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Here Are Some Athletes You Should Bone Instead Of Cristiano Ronaldo

The consensus view is that Portuguese soccer mega-star Cristiano Ronaldo, currently being a weird brand robot in Japan, is not just a good-looking and sexy athlete, but perhaps the best-looking, the sexiest male athlete. But nah. His facial features are too small, his eyebrows too sculpted, his chin too weak, his head… »7/08/15 4:27pm7/08/15 4:27pm

Ronaldo Shills Bullshit Workout Contraption In Ridiculous Commercial

I’m not saying Cristiano Ronaldo is a cyborg, and if he is he’s probably a benevolent one, but if this wild commercial for some weird, obviously scammy Japanese “exercise gear” isn’t really a behind-the-scenes look at Ronaldo’s morning boot-up process, I’ll buy this stuff and have a six pack in no time. »7/07/15 12:00pm7/07/15 12:00pm

Ronaldo Returns Lost Phone, Treats Owner And Her Friends To A Night Out

Cristiano Ronaldo is famous for his many, many goals and the selfish way he goes about scoring them. However, the forward is apparently more than willing to lend a helping hand to a random stranger in Las Vegas, finding a woman’s phone, returning it to her, and taking her and her friends on a night on the town. »7/07/15 10:11am7/07/15 10:11am

Cristiano Ronaldo Scoffs At Championship, Exults In His Own Ronaldoness

For pretty much everyone involved or invested in La Liga, the biggest opportunity on offer during yesterday’s penultimate match day of the season was, seemingly, for Barcelona to wrap up the league title by beating Atlético. Cristiano Ronaldo, though, had his eyes on a larger prize. While Barcelona were crowned kings… »5/18/15 6:21pm5/18/15 6:21pm

Cristiano Ronaldo's Mad Again Because A Teammate Scored And Not Him

We’ve seen this story before, and you know what? We can’t even hate on this. Sure, this is some petulant behavior, but you’ve got to be impressed that Cristiano Ronaldo gives so few fucks about what anyone—even his teammates—thinks that he doesn’t even try to hide his frustration at not being the one to tap in a… »4/30/15 12:15pm4/30/15 12:15pm

Looks Like Cristiano Ronaldo And MLS Are Tugging Each Other Off

Surprise, surprise. There are more whispers and rumors linking MLS with another aging star—in this case, Cristiano Ronaldo. And while the MLS- and Ronaldo-friendly version of events doesn’t make too much sense on its face, it’s not to hard to reverse engineer what’s most likely going on here. (That it might appeal to… »4/24/15 5:11pm4/24/15 5:11pm

Lionel Messi And Cristiano Ronaldo Find Their Final Forms

For a depressingly large group of actuarial soccer fans, this season's thrilling edition of the duel between temporally and cosmically entwined superstars Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi has mainly served as another set of cudgels to club down the other's reputation and legacy. Go deeper, because if you're… »3/19/15 2:39pm3/19/15 2:39pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Reminds Us Why He's So Likable

In a weekend that saw Lionel Messi overtake Cristiano Ronaldo as the Spanish league's top scorer this season, Ronaldo can rest easy knowing his Argentine rival isn't likely to catch up to another one of his records: that of world's most-liked Facebook page. What makes him so beloved? Well, besides the multi-talented »3/16/15 11:51am3/16/15 11:51am

Cristiano Ronaldo Sings, Drops It Like It's Hot At Birthday Party

Real Madrid’s crushing defeat at the hands of rivals Atlético almost put a damper on that night’s previously scheduled party in celebration of Cristiano Ronaldo turning 30. Almost. Instead of feeling too down, Cristiano decided to sing and boogie the night away. Here’s a GIF of his best move from the video above: »2/12/15 12:29pm2/12/15 12:29pm

Cristiano Ronaldo, A Decent Soccer Player, Wins FIFA Player Of The Year

Today, Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo was awarded the 2014 FIFA Ballon d'Or. It's the second year in a row he's been named FIFA's best player, and the third time in his career. The Portuguese winger beat out Argentina's Lionel Messi, German keeper Manuel Neuer, and a bunch of other guys who had no place in the… »1/12/15 5:15pm1/12/15 5:15pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Features A Big Ol' Bulging Dick

Cristiano Ronaldo is, quite deservedly, an icon in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, Portugal—so much so that he has a museum dedicated in his honor. This weekend, Ronaldo was on hand to witness the unveiling of a new statue made in his image. What can we say? The statue is sporting a huge erection. »12/22/14 11:46am12/22/14 11:46am

Cristiano Ronaldo Gets Seriously Mad At Losing Meaningless Competition

Judging by Cristiano Ronaldo's legitimately pissed off response to his team losing what was supposed to be a friendly little contest at a sponsored event, we can add his name to the ranks of Michael Jordan, and other athletes who hate losing even something as small as a coin flip with a fervency unrecognizable to… »12/02/14 3:48pm12/02/14 3:48pm