Cristiano Ronaldo Scoffs At Championship, Exults In His Own Ronaldoness

For pretty much everyone involved or invested in La Liga, the biggest opportunity on offer during yesterday’s penultimate match day of the season was, seemingly, for Barcelona to wrap up the league title by beating Atlético. Cristiano Ronaldo, though, had his eyes on a larger prize. While Barcelona were crowned kings… » 5/18/15 6:21pm 5/18/15 6:21pm

Cristiano Ronaldo's Mad Again Because A Teammate Scored And Not Him

We’ve seen this story before, and you know what? We can’t even hate on this. Sure, this is some petulant behavior, but you’ve got to be impressed that Cristiano Ronaldo gives so few fucks about what anyone—even his teammates—thinks that he doesn’t even try to hide his frustration at not being the one to tap in a… » 4/30/15 12:15pm 4/30/15 12:15pm

Looks Like Cristiano Ronaldo And MLS Are Tugging Each Other Off

Surprise, surprise. There are more whispers and rumors linking MLS with another aging star—in this case, Cristiano Ronaldo. And while the MLS- and Ronaldo-friendly version of events doesn’t make too much sense on its face, it’s not to hard to reverse engineer what’s most likely going on here. (That it might appeal to… » 4/24/15 5:11pm 4/24/15 5:11pm

Lionel Messi And Cristiano Ronaldo Find Their Final Forms

For a depressingly large group of actuarial soccer fans, this season's thrilling edition of the duel between temporally and cosmically entwined superstars Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi has mainly served as another set of cudgels to club down the other's reputation and legacy. Go deeper, because if you're… » 3/19/15 2:39pm 3/19/15 2:39pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Reminds Us Why He's So Likable

In a weekend that saw Lionel Messi overtake Cristiano Ronaldo as the Spanish league's top scorer this season, Ronaldo can rest easy knowing his Argentine rival isn't likely to catch up to another one of his records: that of world's most-liked Facebook page. What makes him so beloved? Well, besides the multi-talented » 3/16/15 11:51am 3/16/15 11:51am

Cristiano Ronaldo Sings, Drops It Like It's Hot At Birthday Party

Real Madrid's crushing defeat at the hands of rivals Atlético almost put a damper on that night's previously scheduled party in celebration of Cristiano Ronaldo turning 30. Almost. Instead of feeling too down, Cristiano decided to sing and boogie the night away. Here's a GIF of his best move from the video above: » 2/12/15 12:29pm 2/12/15 12:29pm

Cristiano Ronaldo, A Decent Soccer Player, Wins FIFA Player Of The Year

Today, Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo was awarded the 2014 FIFA Ballon d'Or. It's the second year in a row he's been named FIFA's best player, and the third time in his career. The Portuguese winger beat out Argentina's Lionel Messi, German keeper Manuel Neuer, and a bunch of other guys who had no place in the… » 1/12/15 5:15pm 1/12/15 5:15pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Features A Big Ol' Bulging Dick

Cristiano Ronaldo is, quite deservedly, an icon in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, Portugal—so much so that he has a museum dedicated in his honor. This weekend, Ronaldo was on hand to witness the unveiling of a new statue made in his image. What can we say? The statue is sporting a huge erection. » 12/22/14 11:46am 12/22/14 11:46am

Cristiano Ronaldo Gets Seriously Mad At Losing Meaningless Competition

Judging by Cristiano Ronaldo's legitimately pissed off response to his team losing what was supposed to be a friendly little contest at a sponsored event, we can add his name to the ranks of Michael Jordan, and other athletes who hate losing even something as small as a coin flip with a fervency unrecognizable to… » 12/02/14 3:48pm 12/02/14 3:48pm

This Cristiano Ronaldo Ballon D'Or Campaign Is Getting Really Gross

UEFA president Michel Platini made a pretty reasonable comment in Madrid earlier this week, saying in his opinion the Ballon d'Or should go to a German player after the country's success in the World Cup. The statement set off the Real Madrid spin machine though, and the team took matters into their own hands. » 11/28/14 11:16am 11/28/14 11:16am

Xabi Alonso Forced To Apologize To Ronaldo For Stupid, Fake Controversy

Remember that dumb story Real Madrid pitched to their stooges at Marca yesterday, where some milquetoast statements of Xabi Alonso's were folded, kneaded, and ultimately transformed into direct insults to former teammates Cristiano Ronaldo and Iker Casillas? Well, it worked. » 11/21/14 11:45am 11/21/14 11:45am

Meet Marca, The Hilarious Propaganda Arm Of Real Madrid

It's maybe a little difficult for Americans to grasp just how deeply and blatantly in the tank the European press can be for the local XI. And no one is deeper and more blatantly in the tank for the local XI than the media in Spain, where the local XI means either Barcelona and Real Madrid and where the address of the… » 11/20/14 1:59pm 11/20/14 1:59pm

Book: Ronaldo Refers To Messi As "Motherfucker" Behind His Back

According to Cristiano Ronaldo, the constant comparisons to and ranking of him and Lionel Messi are slightly annoying but ultimately disregardable facts of life. According to a new book, though, Ronaldo takes the rivalry much more seriously and has a whole behind-the-scenes protocol for how he and his teammates deal… » 11/11/14 1:57pm 11/11/14 1:57pm