Lionel Messi And Cristiano Ronaldo Find Their Final Forms

For a depressingly large group of actuarial soccer fans, this season's thrilling edition of the duel between temporally and cosmically entwined superstars Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi has mainly served as another set of cudgels to club down the other's reputation and legacy. Go deeper, because if you're… » 3/19/15 2:39pm 3/19/15 2:39pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Reminds Us Why He's So Likable

In a weekend that saw Lionel Messi overtake Cristiano Ronaldo as the Spanish league's top scorer this season, Ronaldo can rest easy knowing his Argentine rival isn't likely to catch up to another one of his records: that of world's most-liked Facebook page. What makes him so beloved? Well, besides the multi-talented » 3/16/15 11:51am 3/16/15 11:51am

Cristiano Ronaldo's Forehead Saved Real Madrid's Ass

Ugh. Uggggghhhhhhhh. Just when we looked so close to seeing this shaky Real Madrid team gag up their 2-0 first leg lead in the Champions League to Schalke, of all teams, up sprang that leaping salmon Cristiano Ronaldo to save the day. » 3/10/15 5:54pm 3/10/15 5:54pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Sings, Drops It Like It's Hot At Birthday Party

Real Madrid's crushing defeat at the hands of rivals Atlético almost put a damper on that night's previously scheduled party in celebration of Cristiano Ronaldo turning 30. Almost. Instead of feeling too down, Cristiano decided to sing and boogie the night away. Here's a GIF of his best move from the video above: » 2/12/15 12:29pm 2/12/15 12:29pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Sent Off For Kicking, Slapping Dudes

The world's top soccer player earned a straight red today at Córdoba after the referee caught him kicking and later slapping opponents late in Real Madrid's La Liga match. » 1/24/15 12:18pm 1/24/15 12:18pm

Cristiano Ronaldo, A Decent Soccer Player, Wins FIFA Player Of The Year

Today, Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo was awarded the 2014 FIFA Ballon d'Or. It's the second year in a row he's been named FIFA's best player, and the third time in his career. The Portuguese winger beat out Argentina's Lionel Messi, German keeper Manuel Neuer, and a bunch of other guys who had no place in the… » 1/12/15 5:15pm 1/12/15 5:15pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Features A Big Ol' Bulging Dick

Cristiano Ronaldo is, quite deservedly, an icon in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, Portugal—so much so that he has a museum dedicated in his honor. This weekend, Ronaldo was on hand to witness the unveiling of a new statue made in his image. What can we say? The statue is sporting a huge erection. » 12/22/14 11:46am 12/22/14 11:46am

Cristiano Ronaldo Gets Seriously Mad At Losing Meaningless Competition

Judging by Cristiano Ronaldo's legitimately pissed off response to his team losing what was supposed to be a friendly little contest at a sponsored event, we can add his name to the ranks of Michael Jordan, and other athletes who hate losing even something as small as a coin flip with a fervency unrecognizable to… » 12/02/14 3:48pm 12/02/14 3:48pm

FIFA Announces Who Will Stand Next To Ronaldo When He Wins Ballon D'or

As inevitable as Cristiano Ronaldo's impending Ballon d'Or victory has been, this year's award campaign has been especially tedious. So we're happy that FIFA's announcement of the three finalists brings us one step closer to being done with the whole thing. » 12/01/14 1:19pm 12/01/14 1:19pm

This Cristiano Ronaldo Ballon D'Or Campaign Is Getting Really Gross

UEFA president Michel Platini made a pretty reasonable comment in Madrid earlier this week, saying in his opinion the Ballon d'Or should go to a German player after the country's success in the World Cup. The statement set off the Real Madrid spin machine though, and the team took matters into their own hands. » 11/28/14 11:16am 11/28/14 11:16am

Xabi Alonso Forced To Apologize To Ronaldo For Stupid, Fake Controversy

Remember that dumb story Real Madrid pitched to their stooges at Marca yesterday, where some milquetoast statements of Xabi Alonso's were folded, kneaded, and ultimately transformed into direct insults to former teammates Cristiano Ronaldo and Iker Casillas? Well, it worked. » 11/21/14 11:45am 11/21/14 11:45am

Meet Marca, The Hilarious Propaganda Arm Of Real Madrid

It's maybe a little difficult for Americans to grasp just how deeply and blatantly in the tank the European press can be for the local XI. And no one is deeper and more blatantly in the tank for the local XI than the media in Spain, where the local XI means either Barcelona and Real Madrid and where the address of the… » 11/20/14 1:59pm 11/20/14 1:59pm

Book: Ronaldo Refers To Messi As "Motherfucker" Behind His Back

According to Cristiano Ronaldo, the constant comparisons to and ranking of him and Lionel Messi are slightly annoying but ultimately disregardable facts of life. According to a new book, though, Ronaldo takes the rivalry much more seriously and has a whole behind-the-scenes protocol for how he and his teammates deal… » 11/11/14 1:57pm 11/11/14 1:57pm

Cristiano Ronaldo Enjoys His Own Crotch, In Cake Form

Ah yes. We've reached the first anniversary of walking brand Cristiano Ronaldo's underwear line—which you may remember from our previous coverage. In celebration, Ronaldo's team has memorialized the occasion by baking him a cake. Of his bulging crotch. » 11/04/14 12:17pm 11/04/14 12:17pm

Ronaldo's Girlfriend Reacts To Flirty Jokes With Coldest Ice-Grill

Just look at that face. Yes, it's the face of Irina Shayk, super model and Cristiano Ronaldo's long-time girlfriend, but it's also the face of a woman that is FED. UP. with jokes about her man's underwear modeling and waxing regimen. » 10/29/14 4:02pm 10/29/14 4:02pm

Today, El Clásico Is The Only Thing That Matters

For as world-stoppingly important as it feels every time Real Madrid and Barcelona take the pitch against one another, we've actually become a bit inured to them over the years. If it seems like there are about eight El Clásicos every season nowadays, it's because there pretty much are: in the past four years, the two… » 10/25/14 10:43am 10/25/14 10:43am

Cristiano Ronaldo Likens Ugly Tackle To Rugby; Rugby World Turns Stupid

Cristiano Ronaldo was none too happy about his early exit from last week's Champions League match between Real Madrid and Ludogorets, necessitated by this late challenge in the final minutes. After the game, the winger described the tackle thus: "It was a very ugly tackle and it seemed as if we were playing a game of… » 10/06/14 6:18pm 10/06/14 6:18pm

James Rodríguez Opens La Liga Account With Beautifully Struck Goal

Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez may not have any understanding of soccer tactics, but he does know flash when he sees it, and Colombian World Cup standout James Rodríguez is certainly flashy. With Madrid up 1-0 in today's game against Deportivo La Coruña, Rodríguez took a pass from Karim Benzema at the top of… » 9/20/14 11:32am 9/20/14 11:32am