In a letter sent to the leadership group of the Athletes Advisory Council, an attorney for the four cyclists—Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed—not only asked the USOC to apologize, but said the flap was “emotionally devastating” and adversely affected their performances at the Beijing Games, where none of them medaled and only Hammer managed a top-five finish.

I'm normally not a fan of frivolous letters from lawyers, but I happen to partly agree with this one. The USOC were the ones who provided the masks in the first place. What's questionable is whether the situation actually prevented them from medaling. I'd totally request a do-over if I were them.

Armstrong doesn't go on a lot of real dates. "I think it's hard for me, or for anyone in my position, to call someone up and say, 'Hey, can I take you on a date?'" he says. "It's never like that. I meet people casually, while hanging out with friends, so there's less pressure." Sex is something he enjoys, because he didn't get much of it on the Tour. "I had sex if I had the energy. I wasn't one of those guys who believed in the myths about the guy losing his chi," says Armstrong. "But the fact is that if you are riding your bike five, six, seven hours a day, you are not a sex champion. You're just not. You have fatigue, low testosterone, and a lower libido." He grins. "But you know, I never got any complaints."

A painting hangs over a stainless-steel bathtub in his bathroom. "Girls love that tub," he says, "They're always splashing around in it, and I've gotta be like, 'Hey, quit splashing the art!" (It's not immediately apparent if "girls" means his daughters or his lady friends.)

But what if there WERE complaints, and he's whitewashing the whole thing? I demand an investigation. And of course I feel that the only person qualified to lead it is World Anti-Doping Agency president Dick Pound. For obvious reasons.

Lance Armstrong On Dating And Sex: "I've Never Got Any Complaints" [The Huffington Post]

Minutes after the victory, it was announced a rider from Kazakhstan used a banned stimulant.

Dmitriy Fofonov tested positive for a "very heavy dose" of heptaminol after Thursday's 18th stage, said Pierre Bordry, the head of France's anti-doping agency. Fofonov was immediately fired by his Credit Agricole team.

A French police official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the case, told The Associated Press that Fofonov was arrested at his team's hotel and held for questioning.

The Kazakh rider was quick to blame both the "shape-shifting Jews" and the "assholes" from Uzbekistan.

The nut cream was first invented for Tour de France competitor Dave Zabriske (the DZ of the product's name), who is now attempting to make a profit from his raw groinal area. Yes, of course this appears to be an Onion article. That's what I thought at first, too. But this apperas to be real.

“Proper MainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.” — Dave Zabriskie

Questions: Is it waterproof? Can I also use it as sunscreen? Can I get extra spicy?

The more I learn about cycling, the happier I am that I own a car.

dznuts — Protect Your Junk
This Is Real [Deuce Of Davenport]

How do we know that the Tour is finally cracking down on the use of performance enhancing drugs? An Australian is in contention to win it.

Schumaker Upsets Big Guns To Take Lead [Reuters]
Evans Happy With Lead In Tour de France [Radio Australia]

More evidence: He drove a cycling rival to a life of crack addiction.

In a former teammate's words: "Lance Armstrong was already a big star at that point. I think a lot of the young riders that were there were in awe of somebody like that. Chad wasn't necessarily somebody in awe of anything."

Other guy: "Chad walked up to Lance and called him a 'doughboy' and pushed his belly in and Lance got really upset."

Chad: "Needless to say, the next morning I was asked to leave the Olympic Training Center."

Next thing you know ... crack addiction! But you know what? We'd take crack addiction over jogging with Matthew McConaughey. We really would.

Don't Mess With Lance Armstrong [FanIQ]

From the looks of this the car hit the cyclists head-on, and good for the two guys on the left who seemingly managed to avoid the mayhem. It looks like he got just about everyone else. Just terrible. And reason No. 31 that I usually take the bus.

Car Plows Into Bike Race In Mexico; One Dead [Yahoo News]

There are no signs of Stella Walsh chicanery here. Tammy Thomas is 100 percent female. Or, at least, before the steroids. Last week, the San Francisco Chronicle (via FanHouse as well) reported that Tammy Thomas experienced:

• A deep voice
• Baldness
• A full beard
• Chest hair

And just in case you feel the need, remember: vomit away from the monitor. Away from the monitor.

Olympic Cyclist Tammy Thomas Convicted in First BALCO Trial [FanHouse]
Cyclist Appeared To Be Shaving Face, Drug Tester Tells Jury [San Francisco Chronicle]

(Aside: Even though twoeightnine found this, I strangely believe him when he says he didn't Photoshop the picture. Which is fortunate, because otherwise I'd have to pay him the standard $75 royalty fee.)

Actually, it got blog Vandermint Auditorium to thinking, and it got us to slowly nodding our head. When you look at the people Armstrong beat over the last six years of Tours de France. Almost every single one of them has been nailed for blood doping.

Now, it is possible that Armstrong just had such natural ability that he was able to win every race while being the only person not to be doping. It is possible.

Lance Armstong Could Not Possibly Have Cheated [Vandermint Auditorium]

German state television — which otherwise is just playing "Sprockets" reruns — has announced that it's pulling all its cameras from the Tour de France because of all the doping scandals.

In response to T-Mobile rider Patrik Sinkewitz's testing positive for testosterone, German channels ARD and ZDF didn't decide to merely cover the incident. They've packed up their cameras and gone home. Despite the fact that more than a million Germans watch the Tour de France, the networks have shelved their coverage until the Sinkewitz case is resolved.

"We cannot wait until the Tour is over," ZDF editor Nikolaus Brender told the broadcaster's lunchtime news. "There is a constant suspicion of doping."

Though we're a little bewildered why, if German television felt that way, they showed up in the first place, it's still a ballsy move. Imagine if American television stations underwent the same maneuver? We'd only be watching the WNBA, one suspects. Oh, and competitive eating. (Maybe.)

German State TV Unhappy About Tour Doping, Packs Its Cameras And Goes Home [Lion In Oil]

To get you up to speed, before he was scheduled to testify against Landis in his suspension hearing, former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond — a longtime anti-doping advocate — claimed that a friend of Landis called and threatened him the night before. What was the threat about?

Well, it appears in an earlier time, Landis and LeMond were such good buddies that they shared deep secrets. Landis confessed to LeMond that, well, he'd kind of cheated by blood doping. And LeMond shared with Landis that he had been sexually abused by an uncle as a child. Landis, being a good Mennonite, decided to use this information against Lemond, having the friend call him and claim they would give up the information that "LeMond's uncle and they would play 'hide the weenie.'" This is really what the friend said. (He even admitted it later in the day.)

LeMond decided to go public with his "secret" anyway, testifying against Landis, burying him in the process. (Justifiably, if you ask us.) And a cycling trial turned into daytime television. "Hide the weenie." Jesus.

By the way, Greg LeMond has now been molested by his uncle and shot. Life's more difficult for bicyclists than we ever imagined, apparently.

The Floyd Landis Case Just Exploded [Steroid Nation]

But it was not to be.

The AFLD had been expected to rule, but agreed to an appeal by Landis to postpone their decision until after the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency rules in May, AFLD president Pierre Bordry said. The AFLD will resume its discussion of the case in late June. The decision came after Landis pledged not to race in France in 2007, Bordry said in a statement he read to reporters in Paris.

So anyway, if Landis is drummed out, the new champ is Spaniard Oscar Pereiro Sio, who finished second in the event and has said recently that he already considers himself the winner. We would like to congratulate Mr. Pereiro, and offer him our, um ... wait. Damn it. ...

On January 18, 2007, French newspaper Le Monde reported that Pereiro has also tested positive during the 2006 Tour de France. It is alleged that salbutamol was found in two urine samples, produced after stages 14 (Mont limar — Gap, in which Pereiro finished 26th) and 16 (Bourg-d'Oisans — La Toussuire, 3rd place). In the latter stage, Pereiro retook the yellow jersey from Landis.

Oookay. Moving right along folks, please welcome your 2006 Tour de France winner, Andreas Kl den.

Needless to say, this could go on for awhile.

Landis Opts Out Of Tour, Ruling Delayed [MSNBC]
Oscar Pereiro [Wikipedia]

Spain's Oscar Pereiro, the runner-up in last year's Tour de France, reportedly tested positive twice during the race for an asthma drug. The French daily Le Monde said the International Cycling Union had granted Pereiro a certificate to use the drug for medical reasons. However, the paper reported that France's anti-doping agency doesn't believe that the waiver was medically valid.

Boy, you know, it's almost like everyone in cycling is blood doping. Crazy. Well, everyone except for Lance Armstrong, of course.

Just Call Off The Tour De France [Steroid Nation]

Gynecologists used lightly vibrating probes to stimulate the female genitals and participants measured the sensations they felt.

"Strange as it might sound, it's kind of like a hearing test," he says.

"From what we know now, and this is the first real study that has looked at this, I would recommend a no-nose saddle."

But he warns that seats with a cut-out or scoop in the middle are no substitute.

So get to work! We'd like that new term on our desk by tomorrow morning.

Now Women Are Getting 'Cycling Penis' Too [ABC South East SA]

Far be it from us to insinuate that Lance Armstrong is still in the heads of the French cycling establishment, but now they're accusing him of breaking into their email.

Betsy Andreu, the wife of a French cyclist and one of Armstrong's strongest detractors, claimed in a deposition that Armstrong signed onto her AOL account and sent emails under her name. And he's not just on email: He's everywhere!

"I think [Armstrong] has hacked my computer and we are currently suing America On Line to find the IP address of who hacked my computer. ... Lance wanted to control everything; anything anyone might say about him and he was ready to do anything to do it." According to Mrs. Andreu, her computer wasn't the only one Armstrong had hacked. She claimed in her SCA deposition in January 2006 that former Oakley sports marketing manager Stephanie McIlvain thought that Armstrong had hacked her computer and had placed a bug in the computer of his ex-wife Kristin as the couple was going through their divorce.

"Stephanie told me that [Armstrong] told her he put a bug in Kristin's computer and every word she typed was sent directly to him. Stephanie was scared that Lance had also hacked her computer." Although AOL refused to cooperate with Ms. Andreu, she told Mandard the she next intended to take the matter up with the Justice Department.

You know, we have no idea why people might think the French are a tad bit obsessed with this whole business. Still.

Lance Armstrong: Cybercriminal? [Cycling News]

(UPDATE: Ms. Andreu, as several have pointed out, is actually American rather than French, but we think the point still stands.)

'bladder disease has returned'

IC Wales.com had some fun with this, and we don't blame them. As for us, we tried our damnedest to come up with a Floyd Landis joke here, but nothing much came of it. Sorry.

Road Sign Leaves Welsh-Speakers Bewildered [IC Wales.com]

(UPDATE: The Welsh seem to have a lot of trouble with this sort of thing.)

The woman on the left in this photo is Danika Schroeter. She finished second in the Canadian downhill mountain biking championships last week, finishing just one second behind Michelle Dumaresq. Dumaresq is the woman in the middle. The lady on the right ... we don't know who the lady on the right is. She's not really important right now.

Dumaresq, the one in the middle, has won the title three years in a row, and this was obviously getting to Schroeter (and her boyfriend). You see, Schroeter and her flame believe Dumaresq has an unfair advantage: She used to be a man. (This is something we always learn just too late.) So Schroeter's boyfriend ran up to the podium and asked her to wear that T-shirt, which said, "100 Percent Pure Woman Champ." Which was probably a reference to Dumaresq's former possession of a penis. Though he might have meant that Schroeter was a virgin. Though we DOUBT THAT.

Anyway, the audience started screaming expletives at Dumaresq, goaded by the shirt apparently, and Schroeter was subsequently was served by the Canadian Cycling Association with a three-month suspension. That might seem a bit harsh, but hey, that's life in Canadian women's downhill mountain cycling.

100% Pure Woman Champ 2006 [There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches]

Team Phonak immediately cut ties with him, and the Tour de France people say he is no longer considered their champion, though he has yet to be officially stripped of the title. If that does eventually happen, it will be the first time in the 103-year history of the Tour de France.

Landis, continuing to show that great Landis resolve and determination, isn't giving up the fight. There are likely to be a ton more appeals and denials stretched out over the next few months. This story threatens to become Barbaro-esque with its potential for longevity and annoyance. But at least it will give Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin an opportunity to keep exchanging e-mails:

"Floyd, what's up, it's J. So what bullshit excuse are you going to give people?"
"Well, we've got a whole list of things. New excuse everyday until people believe us. You?"
"Ah, I don't know, man. I might just throw something out there like 'vengeful massage therapist.'"
"You totally don't have the balls to do that."
"LOL! Watch me, man!"
"You're NUTS, man! You are NUTS!"

Landis 'B' sample confirms high testosterone ratio [ESPN.com]
Floyd Landis: His "B" Sample is Positive For Testosterone [Sports Blog at the Polo Grounds]

Tests performed on the cyclist Floyd Landis's initial urine sample showed that some of the testosterone in his body had come from an external source and was not produced by his system, according to a person at the International Cycling Union with knowledge of the results. That finding contradicts what Landis has claimed in his defense.

Now we're just waiting for the second tested sample to come back; if it comes back positive, Landis will be suspended for two years and lose his Tour de France title. And if anything, this whole matter proves just what a great champion Lance Armstrong was. Seven titles, and he was never once caught doping, though, of course, everyone in cycling is doping. That's the truly impressive achievement; Landis couldn't even pull it off once.

New Finding Challenges Tour Champ's Claim [New York Times]

Leg 5: Newton to Marengo [Iowa City Press Citizen]

The night before Stage 17, Mr. Landis said, while gathered with friends and teammates, he prepared for the strenuous mountain stage by drinking two beers and at least four shots of whiskey.

The revelation that Mr. Landis was drinking the night before the test could be significant. According to several studies, alcohol consumption can increase the ratio between testosterone and epitestosterone, which occur naturally in the body. Mr. Landis failed the test because it showed an elevated ratio between the two.

We'll be honest: This was the first we had heard of this "elevated testosterone ratio because of heavy drinking" story. This not only changes our perception of Landis, it changes our perception of all athletes. From now on, any athlete with an unbalanced testosterone/epitestosterone ratio, we're buying his/her jersey.

Tour Winner Floyd Landis Denies Taking Drugs, Does Say He Drank [WSJ.com]

(UPDATE: Here's a very instructive look at whether Landis "failed" a drug test at all.)

Arlene Landis, his mother, said Thursday that she wouldn't blame her son if he was taking medication to treat the pain in his injured hip, but "if it's something worse than that, then he doesn't deserve to win. I didn't talk to him since that hit the fan, but I'm keeping things even keel until I know what the facts are," she told The Associated Press in a phone interview from her home in Farmersville, Pennsylvania. "I know that this is a temptation to every rider but I'm not going to jump to conclusions ... It disappoints me."

Hey, thanks, mom!

Our favorite angle to this, by the way, is one cyling analyst John Eustice brought up on Dan Patrick's radio show. According to ESPN.com, Eustice " thinks Floyd Landis' testosterone test could be a false positive. Landis' testosterone levels were low; just the ratio was off. Landis' cortisone shots or beer drinking could affect that."

If Landis ends up losing the Tour de France for drinking beer ... well, shoot, we think that's worth it, doggone it.

Landis Had Positive Test After Stage 17 [ESPN]
Floyd Landis About To Become Decidedly Less Popular [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Landis is officially denying any malfeasance.)

What were all the rumors about? Well, the International Cycling Union said earlier this week that a rider in the Tour de France had failed a drug test, but didn't announce who it was. Since then, it has been confirmed that it was neither a French rider nor a German rider ... and that does narrow it down.

Which, because this is the Tour de France, and Landis is an American, and they never did get Lance Armstrong, means everyone's tongues are wagging about Landis' mysterious disappearance. With all the stories we've read about Landis, it initially wouldn't have surprised us if he were on a week-long bender somewhere, hanging with some guys from a Skynyrd cover band, but we doubt the French know of the LEE-nard SKEE-nard.

But now: MSNBC is reporting that Landis was indeed the one who failed the drug test. Which would explain the mystery.

Where In The World Is Floyd Landis? [AFP]

(UPDATE: Looks like it's testosterone.)

Well, be not confused any longer, friends. It turns out that Gyllenhaal is going to play Lance Armstrong in a movie about the cyclist's life.

Gyllenhaal and Armstrong have become pals during Jake's method process to get to know the sports legend. The actor of Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead fame is even a long-time cyclist and has begun training for the film.

This, of course, will likely end up being the top story to come out of the Tour de France over the weekend, eclipsing Floyd Landis' rather awesome victory, even though he's having surgery soon that could possibly end his career. (The AP story about the win of course quotes Armstrong in the second paragraph; Landis doesn't get to talk until the fourth.)

By the way, we think we can all agree that Sacha Baron Cohen should play the buffoonish French doping investigator, yes?

Jake Gyllenhaal Wants To Play Lance Armstrong [Deadline Hollywood]
Landis Wins Tour De France [Forbes]

Again, congratulations to Floyd Landis. I think it's about time we just moved this race to America, just to save our guys the travel time.

Landis becomes third American to win Tour de France [CBS SportsLine]
Floyd Landis Bikes Through the Pain [ABC News]

So from what I understand, it would take a major catastrophe for Landis not to win tomorrow. The best chance for that is probably a big hangover for Landis, who keeps talking about beer. It's a pretty nice story, Landis winning the Tour, given his bad hip and his comeback from a near-meltdown earlier this week. I don't know if it's enough to make the French forgive him for being American, but it's nice story anyway.

Congratulations Floyd, and hey, sorry Frenchy.

Honchar wins time trial, Landis claims yellow jersey [Guardian Unlimited]
Friday's Foaming Rant: Beer me, Floyd [VeloNews]

To quote VeloNews, which knows cycling much better than we do: "while Landis was expected to go on the attack to salve his injured pride, no one really anticipated a feat of such proportions." He's really doing some amazing things over there, solving that thing, which means it can only be a matter of time until the French go after him with decades of doping allegations, after which he will end up hosting a dumb award show and making stupid, dated jokes about Jake Gyllenhaal enjoying anal sex.

We hope we didn't jinx him just by typing this.

Resurgent Landis Wins Stage 17 [VeloNews]

But we may have no choice. Landis claimed the Tour's yellow jersey on Tuesday after an uphill finish on the grueling L'Alpe d'Huez (coincidentally, those last two words were exactly the sound we made that time we accidentally swallowed sea water). Armstrong has his faults, but life with Lance was never dull. And we have a feeling that a Landis victory would put us all immediately to sleep. You may disagree with all of this, but truthfully, are you ready one day to hear this from your daughter? "Daddy, I'd like you to meet my fiance; Floyd Landis."

Landis Back In Yellow But Still Playing Percentages [The Guardian]

(UPDATE: Within minutes of posting this, he fell off the leaderboard. Awesome.)

Landis says it was a tactical choice to let Pereiro surge ahead, so as not to waste any energy. I don't know anything about cycling, of course, but I'm pretty sure that the Tour de France isn't a "go all-out at every point during the race" type of things. Even Pereiro doesn't seem convinced about his own viability as a Tour leader, saying, "I have to be realistic." And Voigt's take on the situation is, ""Floyd is thinking, 'I give it to him on the flat days and take it back later." So I guess Floyd's still in pretty good shape. I think the Pittsburgh Pirates should try that excuse. "Yeah, we're saving our energy for 2014."

Yesterday day was Bastille Day, which I guess is kind of a big day in the Tour de France. In a French guy wins the stage, the country apparently will go nuts for him, but unfortunately for France, they never win anything. A Ukranian guy won the stage. All I know about Bastille Day is that when I was in high school, and I wore too much cologne, my mother would say to me, "You smell like a French whore on Bastille Day."

Landis loses Tour de France lead [Fox Sports]
Ukrainian Puts a Damper on a Bastille Day Party [NY Times]

We mean, the guy's riding a horse. Come on! Where are the angry Frenchmen now?

(All right, fine, this is a rather slight item. It's the day before the Fourth, and no one's working today. Bear with us.)

A Fan Riding A Horse [Yahoo Photos]

(By the way, that's not Barbaro, is it? We always he was just faking that injury to get away from the media limelight.)

As for the actual doping contest—excuse me, the Tour de France—Americans are in 2nd and 3rd place after the prologue. George Hincapie and David Zabriskie finished behind Norwegian Thor Hushovd. I don't know if he's any kind of a favorite to win the race, but he should win some kind of an award for being named Thor Hushovd.

I'm glad there's still one sport that Americans can dominate, but I don't know why it has to cycling. Maybe it's not even that we're great at cycling, maybe we're just great at not getting caught doping. And of course, I'd sincerely appreciate any and all comments and/or e-mails about The Tour, since I know not a thing about it.

Four of top five '05 finishers won't start Tour this year [ESPN.com]
Lance skips France to bike in Iowa [Des Moines Register]

With about 10km to go, Cancellara reached a railroad crossing, whose barriers began dropping as he passed through. The first chase group - Hoste, Van Petegem and Gusev - reached the same spot with the barriers clearly down. They went through, anyway. When Boonen, Ballan and Flecha arrived, race officials stopped them and were forced to wait about 15 seconds as a train came barreling past.

If Rob Schnieder made a movie about cycling, I believe that's how it would end. With the bad guy having his quest for victory ended by a train with bad timing, as he sits there and seethes while the protagonist cruises to victory and gets the girl.

Maybe we should check the train schedule before the race next year, race organizers.

Paris-Roubaix; Fabian the giant killer [VeloNews]

For those of you wondering about your chances of hooking up with Crow, take a few minutes to consider that seven victories in the Tour de France and one victory over testicular cancer wasn't enough for her. I tend to think that the "Baby, I'm an invited commentor at Deadspin.com" pick-up line will fall short. But you might want to try, "Baby, I've got two balls."

Ouch. I'm sorry about that. I don't know what comes over me sometimes.

I just wonder who's getting custody of the puppy. If the little guy is still alive.

Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow Break Up [Yahoo! News]

Lance Armstrong Puppy Updates! [Deadspin]

We imagine someone in either Armstrong's or Sheryl Crow's camp screaming at a poor intern to keep faxing out press releases updating the world on the health of the inventively named Rex. But the real best part of the story:

Chris Orton, who heads the hospital s cardiac surgery team, performed the valve replacement operation on Rex. He says the puppy is through the most critical stages of the procedure but will remain on blood thinner for the next three months.

That's right: Armstrong's dog is now on blood thinners. You know what? We bet there isn't even a dog at all.

Armstrong's Puppy Has Heart Surgery [MSNBC]
ESPN Has Derailed [The Mighty MJD]

But let's just say, hypothetically speaking, that Armstrong, definitively, was nailed for using performance enhancers. What would the reaction be? Would it be Palmeiro-esque? Or is he too much of a hero now, too friendly with Dubya? We're curious about this. We have a feeling no one would really care; it's cycling, after all. And he's from Texas.

Armstrong Hit With New Doping Allegations [Reuters]