In this final update before we all stop caring about cycling for another year, the sport may have finally found the key to its future success—a hero and a villain. But which one is which? I can probably guess how most of the readers of this site feel, but the truth is that most Americans still love Lance Armstrong. A lot. And most of the world hates America and its champion. A lot. If that's not a recipe for smash mouth, cutthroat, in-you-face bike riding I don't know what is.

Contador arrived back in his homeland to the strains of his national anthem—which Tour officials forgot to play when he accepted his trophy—and then quickly mouthed off about his non-friend Lance, who was obviously not that helpful.

He is a great rider and has completed a great race, but it is another thing on a personal level, where I have never had great admiration for him and I never will."

Lance fired back via his only form of communication, Twitter:

Seeing these comments from AC. If I were him I'd drop this drivel and start thanking his team. w/o them, he doesn't win.

hey pistolero, there is no "i" in "team". what did i say in March? Lots to learn. Restated.

Burn? I guess. Anyway, in just 11 short months both men will be back in France with new teams and then the cycling smackdown is on. If only they would give the riders wifflebats to smack each other with as they dodge spectators on 45-degree inclines, then we'd have a real sport.

With Tour Over, Contador Reveals Dislike for Armstrong [NY Times]
AFP: Armstrong hits back at Contador criticism [AFP]
Armstrong sets the stage to be a Tour de France force in 2010 [USA Today]

Or maybe he's just fine with standing on the podium. Right now he's third, about five minutes and change behind Contador, who kept the lead after the last competitive leg of the race. Usually on the final stage to Paris, cyclists clink champagne classes and play Axis & Allies amongst one another as they pedal to the finish.

The pride Armstrong carries is by no means a secret, but he seems to be content, this year, to be part of a team that includes a champion. At least until next year, when Armstrong slips some extra testosterone into his teammate's bottle of Evian. That'll teach him who beat cancer!

Garate Takes Tour Stage; Contador Virtually Seals Win [Bloomberg]
Chugging Along, His Ego in Tow [New York Times]

* * * * *

Boy, these days sure are dull when athletes stay alive and privacy isn't invaded. There's nothing left to do but buy a foam Wii baseball bat and try to re-live lost childhood moments. Enjoy the textual orgasm of Cohen, Daulerio, And Associates tomorrow. Rinse.

Barring an unforeseen "accident," Contador is in the driver's seat and in great shape to win the Tour next week. Meanwhile, Lance Armstrong has been laid low with painful reminders of his own mortality. After two weeks of posturing and feints and impassioned Tweets, Sunday's Stage 16 sealed the deal. Late in a day of tough mountain climbing, Contador made a break for the finish line and Armstrong could not follow.

I suppose I should lay off a bit and give the man credit for admitting what few other elite athletes are able to—he is not the best anymore. He was beaten soundly on Sunday and because of the odd team/individual nature of the sport, Lance was forced to confess in front of God and Jeremy Schaap that Contador was the man now, and he was merely his supporting cast. Lance will swallow his pride and do his best to help Alberto get his second tour victory. Then he will finish second—okay, after three years off, that's pretty good—and ride off into a sunset of nubile movie stars and rock star orgies. I mean ... being a family man and growing old with Robin Williams. Not a bad deal.

The real winner in all this? Kazakhstan, the Stone Age autocratic backwater that sponsors Contador and Armstrong's Team Astana. Doesn't this inspiring story make you want to move Kazakhstan now?

Alberto Contador says he believes Lance Armstrong's assertion of full support [ESPN]
Cadel Evans tips Bradley Wiggins to win yellow jersey [Telegraph]
LiveStrong, RideWeird [TNR]

You see, back in the ye olde times of the early 1990s, cyclists had to make their own calculations and decisions in the middle of a race. Then some kid named Armstrong came along with his cellphone-sponsored walkie-talkie team and won the whole thing and now riders would apparently forget how to pedal if they didn't have someone whispering in their ear all day. So to try and make things interesting, Tour officials have banned the now omnipresent radios for two stages just to see what happens. (So far nothing. Today's stage unfolded exactly the way everyone thought it would.)

There was some grumbling about the whole thing, but the good news is that it gave Robin Williams an opportunity to do what he does best—make fun of deaf people. Now before you watch this video and say "Wow, Robin Williams is old!" and then feel guilty when he shows off his heart surgery scar, I just wanted to say ... Robin Williams is old. How he became best buds with Lance is anyone's guess, but I guess cycling races are the new like Laker games for insufferable Hollywood types. Until Armstrong stops winning, that is, which will never happen as long as he has his trusty radio and magical wristbands.

With 10th-stage radio silence, Tour undergoes new twist [USA Today]
Lance Armstrong Chats With Robin Williams [Livestrong]

More unholy images of Didi are available here, here and here. But be forewarned - viewing any of them constitutes an irrevocable social contract with the devil for your mortal soul. In hindsight, I probably should have said that before the links.

El Diablo at the Bicycle Races [Orlando Sentinel]

*****
That's it for today, guys and gals, thanks for hanging out. Idiot Barking Dog's on tap tomorrow. Go and fire it up tonight.

Finally—finally!—some closure in the form of a few relatively dickish pullquotes from Armstrong's upcoming biography:

"She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn't want that, but I didn't want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I'd just had kids [Luke, Grace and Bella]," Armstrong, 37, reveals. "Yet we're up against her biological clock - that pressure is what cracked it."

So there you have it: The ticking of that biological clock—oh, these lady-types and their selfish desires to have "families" n' shit!—lead an exasperated Armstrong to pedal away from the too-needy, baby-craving Crow as fast as his trusty Cannondale would carry him. It's hard to blame him, though, as his post-Crow dating life (Kate Hudson, whichever Olsen twin was on conjugal leave from rehab, etc etc) demonstrated a free spirit tearing through Hollywood like a priapic Matt Leinart let loose in an ASU sorority house. But now we're sure he's ready to settle down, and because we've just mentioned the phrase "biological clock" again, we're required to suggest that Armstrong fill Manny Ramirez up with beautiful babies before his gynecologist-prescribed hormones wear off. It's a perfect match, really: Manny's not a nagger, and they're gonna make some adorable, Hall-of-Fame-quality kids.

Lance Armstrong: Sheryl Crow's 'Biological Clock' Led to Our Split [Fox News]

The French anti-doping agency, AFLD, says that Armstrong "violated" their rules by failing to fully cooperate with a testing official who showed up at his house for a random drug test. While Lance's people confirmed the guy's credentials, Armstrong says he asked for and received permission to take a shower—which means he was out of sight of the official for 20 minutes (what no webcam?) and that's plenty of time to fill up the ol' Whizzinator, if you know what I mean.

AFLD said they have the authority to punish Armstong and that could maybe hamper his Tour de France comeback ride this summer. I know it's very difficult to take sides in a battle between Lance Armstrong and the French, but how many times can he escape from their grasp before they finally admit that no one cares about cycling unless an American superstar is dominating it?

Lance Armstrong violated testing rules, French anti-doping agency claims [ESPN]

Armstrong got caught up in a scrum about 12.5 miles from the finish of the first stage of the "Vuelta of Castilla and Leon" near Baltanas, Spain, yesterday. As the road narrowed, a couple of cyclists in the lead pack crashed, taking Armstrong down with them, breaking his right collarbone and possibly aborting his cycling comeback before it ever really got started. (And the same week Matt Lauer hits a deer on his bike? Spooky.) But why am I telling you this, when 140 characters could do the job just as well?

I'm alive! Broken clavicle (right). Hurts like hell for now. Surgery in a couple of days. Thanks for all the well wishes. about 17 hours ago from TwitterBerry

He will return to the United States for surgery, because he's obviously not going to let socialist European doctors cut him up. Lance's next scheduled race was the Giro d'Italia in May, before attempting the Tour de France in July and it's unclear whether he'll be ready in time for either one. Do you even need collarbones to ride a bike? Even if you don't, will someone remind him that he's rich and famous and doesn't need to put his body through this anymore? As he noted himself—he did eventually release an actual written statement (written by a publicist, I mean)—it's pretty remarkable that he hasn't been hurt this badly before, since accidents like this are pretty common. So why not just continue his Tour de Socialites and take it easy for awhile?

Btw, hard to tweet left handed. about 6 hours ago from Tweetie

You said it, brother. I think.

Lance Armstrong breaks collarbone in crash [AP]
Armstrong to be fit for Tour de France [AFP]
Giro out, Tour in doubt as Armstrong crashes [The Australian]

Actually it was a surprise doping test by Tour de France officials, who took blood, urine and hair samples in their neverending quest to prove Armstrong isn't on the up-and-up. Perhaps the biggest news here is that Armstrong said he was "surprised" by this. If you're a part of his Twitterati, you got these messages:

"Yet another 'surprise' anti-doping control. 24th one. This one from the French authorities. Urine, blood, and hair! Classic.."

"So I'm clear - never complaining about these tests. Def part of the job. Feel targeted? Of course. But anything to prove I'm clean. Onward."

Forgive me, but it kind of does sound like he's complaining. And as far as a cyclist proving that he's clean, it's been established that that's impossible; there are just too many loopholes. Armstrong should get used to the fact that as long as he races professionally, someone in a lab coat is going to be following him with a small glass jar.

Armstrong will compete in the Giro d'Italia in May, and will try for his eighth Tour de France title in July. Perhaps he'll reach the triple-figure blood test plateau by then as well.

UPDATE: Apparently they took "six clumps of hair" from Armstrong for testing, and he's still going on and on about it.

Lance Armstrong Twitter Feed
Armstrong Feels 'Targeted,' Hair Sample Taken [NBCSports]
Can Athletes Prove They're Clean? In A Word, No [ESPN The Magazine]

As you saw on Sunday, Lance Armstrong had a run-in with The Yellow Devil, a fake syringe-toting fan who got a little too close (both metaphorically and physically) during stage 7. Armstrong shoved the portly Devil into a snow bank, but I wouldn't suggest the same tactic with Antler Guy, whose magnificent eight-point rack serves as nature's natural defense against performance-enhanced cyclists.

According to several message boards, Antler Guy has been a fixture along every stage of the Tour so far, running along with the cyclists on inclines, such as during Sunday's stage 8 at 5,123-foot Palomar Mountain near San Diego. I assume that he's somehow associated with the Tour's eventual winner, Levi Leipheimer, who is a native of Butte, Montana.

Nearly 3,000 spectators camped out on the mountain overnight — mimicking fans on L'Alpe d'Huez at the Tour de France — with many waiting for the brief chance to run alongside the cyclists for a few yards with the hope of getting on TV. Well, on Versus, anyway. Like these guys.

But Antler Guy is a different breed. Ed Rader took some photos of him last year which infinately better than the one I took from my TV screen yesterday. He also talked with Antler Guy and filed this report on the Canon Digital Photography Forum:

thanx guys! i talked to the antler guy and you have to remember the term fan is derived from fanatic!

i'm sure if he isn't on you tube he will be soon because he will be with the race all the way to pasadena.

this guy was an animal. you'll note he was wearing sidis with MTB cleats. you could hear the clack of metal like a steel shod clydesdale as he trotted up and down the hill, never busting a sweat.

the antlered one was warming up before the riders arrived and when they did he ran along with each lone rider, each grupetto offering words of encouragement and water.

all hail antler man!

Meanwhile, Yellow Devil got into it with a couple of cycling fans over on the Bicycle Blog message board, as he tried to explain his scuffle with Armstrong.

Yeah, that's called assault, and it's just another reason why I am completely over Lance Armstrong. The sooner he retires, the sooner we can get rid of the hordes of one-note fans who are screaming for lance while he's supporting his teammate. How many Armstrung-out fanatics even know the name Leipheimer?

I'm over it, and I hope someone kicks his ass if he races in France. — posted by Blogger yellodevil : 2/21/2009 11:32:00 AM

Yes, but can Lance do this? (from near the Stage 2 competition last week in Santa Cruz).

Update: Looks like Antler Guy sometimes doubles as Longhorn Dude.

Tour Of California ... Sierra Road [Canon Digital Photography Forum]
Advertise on NYTimes.com
Leipheimer Wins Third Consecutive Tour Of California [New York Times]

The bike was returned by "a local citizen," who brought it to a Sacramento police station on Wednesday. It had been stolen from a locked truck after Armstrong had used it before Stage 1 of the Tour of California on Saturday.

A Facebook group called "1 Million Citizens Looking for Lance Armstrong's Stolen Bike" had grown to 1,282 members by the time word of the Trek's return hit the Internet on Wednesday. While there was no obvious link between the bicycle's return and internet forces rallying to Armstrong's aid, online campaigns helped make life tough for the thief or thieves, said Sergeant Norm Leong of the Sacramento police force.

"All the technology involved really kept the story alive and moving," Leong said. "It was clear that most of the people in the community were looking for this bike. It makes it hard to transport the thing; you can't ride it or sell it...it is that hot of an item."

Armstrong had also been keeping the searchers updated via his Twitter feed. All in all, it is believed to be the most comprehensive use of technology to detect a sought-after item since our highly successful recovery of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Late Wednesday, the "1 Million Citizens" Facebook group gathered to celebrate the bike's return, as seen in the video below.

Sacramento Police Recover Armstrong's Stolen Bike [San Francisco Chronicle]
Lance Armstrong's Twitter Feed
Lance Armstrong's Unique Time-Trial Bike Recovered By Police [KTXL-TV Sacramento]

In a letter sent to the leadership group of the Athletes Advisory Council, an attorney for the four cyclists—Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed—not only asked the USOC to apologize, but said the flap was “emotionally devastating” and adversely affected their performances at the Beijing Games, where none of them medaled and only Hammer managed a top-five finish.

I'm normally not a fan of frivolous letters from lawyers, but I happen to partly agree with this one. The USOC were the ones who provided the masks in the first place. What's questionable is whether the situation actually prevented them from medaling. I'd totally request a do-over if I were them.

Armstrong doesn't go on a lot of real dates. "I think it's hard for me, or for anyone in my position, to call someone up and say, 'Hey, can I take you on a date?'" he says. "It's never like that. I meet people casually, while hanging out with friends, so there's less pressure." Sex is something he enjoys, because he didn't get much of it on the Tour. "I had sex if I had the energy. I wasn't one of those guys who believed in the myths about the guy losing his chi," says Armstrong. "But the fact is that if you are riding your bike five, six, seven hours a day, you are not a sex champion. You're just not. You have fatigue, low testosterone, and a lower libido." He grins. "But you know, I never got any complaints."

A painting hangs over a stainless-steel bathtub in his bathroom. "Girls love that tub," he says, "They're always splashing around in it, and I've gotta be like, 'Hey, quit splashing the art!" (It's not immediately apparent if "girls" means his daughters or his lady friends.)

But what if there WERE complaints, and he's whitewashing the whole thing? I demand an investigation. And of course I feel that the only person qualified to lead it is World Anti-Doping Agency president Dick Pound. For obvious reasons.

Lance Armstrong On Dating And Sex: "I've Never Got Any Complaints" [The Huffington Post]

Minutes after the victory, it was announced a rider from Kazakhstan used a banned stimulant.

Dmitriy Fofonov tested positive for a "very heavy dose" of heptaminol after Thursday's 18th stage, said Pierre Bordry, the head of France's anti-doping agency. Fofonov was immediately fired by his Credit Agricole team.

A French police official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the case, told The Associated Press that Fofonov was arrested at his team's hotel and held for questioning.

The Kazakh rider was quick to blame both the "shape-shifting Jews" and the "assholes" from Uzbekistan.