A Semi-Competent Father's Guide To Volunteering At Your Kid's School

One of the best parts of being a dad in public is the generalized expectation that you are basically a greased-up Kevin James playing banana-cream-pie Jenga with the Queen Mum. Remember those early solo outings with your baby and the generously low bar that you were held to? Doors held open, the fawning looks from the… » 5/18/15 2:52pm 5/18/15 2:52pm

Sounds On My Newborn Son’s Sleep-Therapy Machine, Ranked

My wife recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy that we named Ellis. He is a prodigious eater and likes a warm bath. (We have experimented both with a white foam tub and a mesh blue one that resembles a patio chair. I prefer the latter on all counts with the exception of its aquatic-themed design, which is insulting… » 5/05/15 11:28am 5/05/15 11:28am

Daylight Savings Should Be Made Permanent

You know what was awesome? Yesterday. Yesterday was the first Daylight Savings day of the year, and the first Daylight Savings day of the year always feels like someone released you from a Siberian prison. The sun shone gold upon the melting snow. Children frolicked out on the street. Neighbors walked around the… » 3/09/15 12:56pm 3/09/15 12:56pm

A Squeamish New Dad's Guide To Diapers

In Act of Valor, the 2012 movie where real active-duty Navy SEALs play fictional active-duty Navy SEALs, there's a moment where two elite, hardened warriors are discussing fatherhood, and one of them mentions the scariest thing about it: diapers. If fucking SEALs can't handle diapers, is there any hope for the rest… » 3/02/15 11:28am 3/02/15 11:28am

Jimmy Kimmel Got Some Doctors To Take An Educated Crap On Anti-Vaxxers

When Jimmy Kimmel isn't being a quasi-comedian whose life mission is to think up ways of lying to as many people as possible simultaneously in his quest for easily YouTubeable viral sensations that he can then sell ads against so as to turn a larger personal profit, the dude makes sense. The above clip, in which… » 2/27/15 5:08pm 2/27/15 5:08pm

How To Throw, And Survive, A Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party

You can get away with the extended-family-plus-cake setup for your kid's first, oh, four or even five birthdays. Sure, you might invite one or two chums from preschool or the neighborhood, or the close-in-age cousins, but really: So long as there are candles to blow out, cake to eat, presents to open, and… » 2/20/15 1:13pm 2/20/15 1:13pm

The Hater’s Guide To Chuck E. Cheese’s

I have a son who turned six a few weeks ago, and we needed to do something to acknowledge the milestone, even though turning six doesn't really mean anything. I have long been an advocate for the abolition of BIG BIRTHDAY, but kids have a knack for teaming up with the Birthday Industrial Complex to wear you down. … » 2/13/15 2:51pm 2/13/15 2:51pm

Don't Read These Beloved Children's Books To Your Kids

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids. My daughter is seven, but before she was old enough to go to preschool, I watched her when she was awake and worked odd hours from home while she slept. My son is two, and we're on the same schedule, except that I've recently joined the jobless recovery, so now it's all toddler,… » 2/09/15 2:50pm 2/09/15 2:50pm

Hey, Get A Load Of This Evil Doctor

The Washington Post has a profile today of Dr. Jack Wolfson, an Arizona cardiologist and holistic medicine, uh, doer or whatever, who's made something of a name for himself by providing a flimsy, fraudulent rime of expertish cover to the reprehensible, morally criminal anti-vaccination crowd in the U.S. It's really… » 1/30/15 3:58pm 1/30/15 3:58pm

Times Of Day To Have Some Damn Peace And Quiet Around Here, Ranked

When you are a Sad Dad, one of the things you spend the most time pining for—after, like, an actual grown-up date with your spouse, a window of more than five minutes in which to take a shower, and relief from the constant background awareness of your own bottomless inadequacy—is some damn peace and quiet. "Can we… » 11/17/14 3:59pm 11/17/14 3:59pm

My Kid’s Insane List Of Reasons To Be Thankful, Annotated

I have an 8-year-old who has something of an overactive imagination, which is a good thing for a child to have, in theory. There are entire 10,000-word think pieces and scientific studies now about how all playgrounds should be replaced with an open field and a giant barrel of sticks so that kids can go construct… » 11/17/14 2:22pm 11/17/14 2:22pm