Why Paternity Leave Is Important, Even Though You’ll Hate It

Every few years, there's a big Hot Sports Take orgy because a pro athlete decided to skip a game for a birth and/or paternity leave. This year, it was Daniel Murphy's turn in the barrel, getting dumped on by Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa after skipping two games after his kid was born. Esiason has since apologized,… » 4/10/14 5:17pm 4/10/14 5:17pm

Why Are Screens Better Than Real Life?

I have three children, and left unsupervised, they will stare at screens until their eyeballs liquefy and seep into the carpet. And so, I spend every single day of my existence wringing my hands over how much screen time is too much screen time for these people. Sometimes I set a timer. Sometimes I say, "TIME IS UP" and… » 3/27/14 4:10pm 3/27/14 4:10pm

Let's Try Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations, A Dessert-Flavored Dessert

Remember ice cream? Oh man, ice cream. There are so many wonderful things to remember about ice cream, but first and foremost—more than the carnival of flavors and colors; the various zany, luxurious toppings and swirls; the fun presentations (Sundae! Banana split! Ice cream cone! Ice cream cake! Root beer float!); the … » 3/08/14 1:00pm 3/08/14 1:00pm

Down With Big Birthday

I have two kids with birthdays coming up and as much as I would like to sidestep the Birthday-Industrial Complex, it's no easy task. There are two levels of peer pressure in the birthday universe: the peer pressure exerted on your children (not that I really care about that) and the social pressure exerted on you, the… » 1/30/14 12:04pm 1/30/14 12:04pm

A Treasury Of Children's Insane Christmas Wish Lists

After I posted my kid's goofy Christmas wish list on Wednesday, we asked you readers to send in some of your own. You were not a disappointment to us. One guy's kid sent in the entire contents of the toy section at Target. Another reader's kid had a list that included a diagram (its instructions and purpose were not… » 12/06/13 1:48pm 12/06/13 1:48pm

My Kid's Insane Christmas Wish List, Annotated

When I was a kid, I would dream up completely insane presents to put on my Christmas wish list—shit that no parent could ever possibly afford and no child could ever possibly deserve. And every year, my parents would tell me before Christmas that I would NOT be getting the little race car I saw on the Obstacle Course… » 12/04/13 11:30am 12/04/13 11:30am

Taste Test: Uncrustables. What Does The Crustless PB&J Say About Us?

One of parenthood's myriad challenges, as any parent will attest, is finding the time in one's overscheduled, playdate- and tedious-errand-choked day to make weirdo peanut-butter-and-jelly-stuffed pierogi to foist upon our frightened and sobbing children. Thankfully, somebody at The J.M. Smucker Company is looking out… » 6/01/13 12:41pm 6/01/13 12:41pm

Feedbag: What The Hell Do I Do With This Arm Roast?

Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to albertburneko@gmail.com. All of them. » 5/22/13 4:25pm 5/22/13 4:25pm