My Beloved Stuffed Animal Needs A Bath, And I'm A Nervous Wreck

Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her. » 3/18/15 4:18pm 3/18/15 4:18pm

Daylight Savings Should Be Made Permanent

You know what was awesome? Yesterday. Yesterday was the first Daylight Savings day of the year, and the first Daylight Savings day of the year always feels like someone released you from a Siberian prison. The sun shone gold upon the melting snow. Children frolicked out on the street. Neighbors walked around the… » 3/09/15 12:56pm 3/09/15 12:56pm

A Squeamish New Dad's Guide To Diapers

In Act of Valor, the 2012 movie where real active-duty Navy SEALs play fictional active-duty Navy SEALs, there's a moment where two elite, hardened warriors are discussing fatherhood, and one of them mentions the scariest thing about it: diapers. If fucking SEALs can't handle diapers, is there any hope for the rest… » 3/02/15 11:28am 3/02/15 11:28am

Jimmy Kimmel Got Some Doctors To Take An Educated Crap On Anti-Vaxxers

When Jimmy Kimmel isn't being a quasi-comedian whose life mission is to think up ways of lying to as many people as possible simultaneously in his quest for easily YouTubeable viral sensations that he can then sell ads against so as to turn a larger personal profit, the dude makes sense. The above clip, in which… » 2/27/15 5:08pm 2/27/15 5:08pm

How To Throw, And Survive, A Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party

You can get away with the extended-family-plus-cake setup for your kid's first, oh, four or even five birthdays. Sure, you might invite one or two chums from preschool or the neighborhood, or the close-in-age cousins, but really: So long as there are candles to blow out, cake to eat, presents to open, and… » 2/20/15 1:13pm 2/20/15 1:13pm

The Hater’s Guide To Chuck E. Cheese’s

I have a son who turned six a few weeks ago, and we needed to do something to acknowledge the milestone, even though turning six doesn't really mean anything. I have long been an advocate for the abolition of BIG BIRTHDAY, but kids have a knack for teaming up with the Birthday Industrial Complex to wear you down. … » 2/13/15 2:51pm 2/13/15 2:51pm

Don't Read These Beloved Children's Books To Your Kids

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids. My daughter is seven, but before she was old enough to go to preschool, I watched her when she was awake and worked odd hours from home while she slept. My son is two, and we're on the same schedule, except that I've recently joined the jobless recovery, so now it's all toddler,… » 2/09/15 2:50pm 2/09/15 2:50pm

Hey, Get A Load Of This Evil Doctor

The Washington Post has a profile today of Dr. Jack Wolfson, an Arizona cardiologist and holistic medicine, uh, doer or whatever, who's made something of a name for himself by providing a flimsy, fraudulent rime of expertish cover to the reprehensible, morally criminal anti-vaccination crowd in the U.S. It's really… » 1/30/15 3:58pm 1/30/15 3:58pm

Dad Removes Son's Tooth With A Golf Ball And Some String

We've got a few dads on staff, and so I asked them if this video, in which a dad whacks the hell out of a golf ball that is attached to a string tied around his son's loose tooth, is an example of good or bad dadding. » 12/31/14 12:03pm 12/31/14 12:03pm

OH GOD THE FLU IS GOING AROUND!!!!

Hey, you! Did you hear? THE FLU IS GOING AROUND! Oh, sweet Jesus strapped to a fuck gun! THE FLU! It's around! Out there. Possibly far, but also possibly near! People have it! The neighbor has it! Your dad has it! The whole Winklefart family has it! I heard 30 kids in Darla's second grade class ALL missed… » 12/23/14 2:15pm 12/23/14 2:15pm

The Amazing True Story Of My Exploding Balls

The hardest part was shaving my balls. Before you go in for your vasectomy, the literature says, you should hop in the shower and shave all the hair off the surgical area. I called the office the day before surgery to confirm that I had to do this. » 11/20/14 4:32pm 11/20/14 4:32pm

Times Of Day To Have Some Damn Peace And Quiet Around Here, Ranked

When you are a Sad Dad, one of the things you spend the most time pining for—after, like, an actual grown-up date with your spouse, a window of more than five minutes in which to take a shower, and relief from the constant background awareness of your own bottomless inadequacy—is some damn peace and quiet. "Can we… » 11/17/14 3:59pm 11/17/14 3:59pm

My Kid’s Insane List Of Reasons To Be Thankful, Annotated

I have an 8-year-old who has something of an overactive imagination, which is a good thing for a child to have, in theory. There are entire 10,000-word think pieces and scientific studies now about how all playgrounds should be replaced with an open field and a giant barrel of sticks so that kids can go construct… » 11/17/14 2:22pm 11/17/14 2:22pm

My Third-Grader, The Politician

Election Day, always a big event in D.C., was a whole lot bigger than normal here this year, if only in the McKenna household. Neither control of the U.S. Senate nor the fate of Obamacare factored into its bigness. Nah. This was all about Eddie running for office. » 11/06/14 5:41pm 11/06/14 5:41pm

I Turned Out OK In Spite Of Corporal Punishment, Not Because Of It

Drew Magary's post yesterday on corporal punishment and parenting inspired a great deal of feedback, including a long, thoughtful email from a reader named Jason Mello, which, with his permission, we've reprinted below. » 9/17/14 2:53pm 9/17/14 2:53pm

Why Do People Hit Their Kids?

There's an old episode of What's Happening!! where Roger fucks up, and his mom decides to beat his ass (this is actually the plot of every episode of What's Happening!!). So his mom asks Rerun for his belt, only Rerun is 300-plus pounds, so when he takes out his belt, it's like eight feet long. And Roger's mom… » 9/16/14 11:11am 9/16/14 11:11am

Be Cool Like I Used To Be: A Nervous Father's Guide To Boyhood

The main thing that qualifies me to write about Richard Linklater's Boyhood from a panicked new-ish father's perspective is that I had to wait three weeks to see Boyhood even after all the rapturous reviews came out, on account of having fled New York City in terror a couple years ago so I wouldn't have to raise… » 8/06/14 12:36pm 8/06/14 12:36pm

"Next Week ... Is My Seventh Funeral For Someone Younger Than Me"

Drew Magary's piece this week on over-competitive kids (and parents) mentioned Fairfax, Va.'s prestigious W.T. Woodson High School, where six students have committed suicide in the past three years. Below is a lengthy, remarkable letter we've received from Ryan Mull, a recent Woodson graduate. » 7/17/14 1:10pm 7/17/14 1:10pm

Brett Favre Unqualified To Discuss Safety Of Football, Says Sportswriter

Only the parents of boys are welcome in the discussion of whether it's unsafe to let children play football. So says Mike Florio, a collectible commemorative helmet-phone in the employ of NBC Sports, who's mad at Brett Favre for expressing reservations about whether he'd encourage his non-existent son to play the game. » 7/16/14 4:25pm 7/16/14 4:25pm