•Did you hear Lopez Tonight is coming to TBS? Day 1 of the playoffs went just as planned, with the Phillies, Yankees and Dodgers all winning. Wait, back up. The Dodgers? I guess whoever said they have no pitching was mistaken. Getting 3.2 innings from Randy Wolf is more than they could have hoped for.

•Dez Bryant is ruled ineligible not because he met with Deion Sanders, but because he lied about meeting with Deion Sanders. Let this be a lesson to our younger readers: if your parents ever catch you doing something bad, it's best to be honest and tell them you were with Deion Sanders.

•Allen Iverson may miss the Grizzlies' season opener as he recovers from a hamstring injury, but let's get real here: if you're counting on Allen Iverson in 2009 to be a crucial part of your team, you're probably not shooting for the stars anyway.

•Your injured quarterbacks update: Donovan McNabb probably, Tim Tebow maybe, Eli Manning maybe not. JaMarcus Russell isn't injured, but is listed as doubtful to play "football."

•Phoenix pulls out a win and forces the WNBA Finals to a deciding fifth game. This was exactly what the league didn't need; there's no way anyone will be paying attention to the WNBA once the UFL starts up tonight.

•Stars broadcaster Daryl Reaugh predicts Dallas will win their opening game. They don't. Now Reaugh's springing for free tickets for all in attendance. Let's hope he doesn't make the guarantee again; have you seen Marty Turco lately? Reaugh may have to spring for season tickets.

•We close with a link to the top ten hits in youth football. Does it make it sadder or funnier that they're children? We say funnier. A highlight:

Sean Avery's suspension, handed to him for comments he made about ex girlfriends, forced him into anger management classes just weeks into his first season with Dallas. When he can return to play hockey at all is in question.

However, there's no telling when Avery will even be ready to play again. He is at an undisclosed location seeking treatment through a program set up by the NHL players association. When he was suspended, Avery told the Stars he needed help dealing with anger issues.

"Sean needs to focus on his own well-being while the Stars hockey team must focus on playing hockey and competing for a playoff spot," Stars co-general manager Brett Hull said in the statement. "We all need to move forward."

Wow, who would have thought that hockey players were angry? Granted Avery is widely known to be hockey's biggest douchebag and has gone through four teams in seven years. But seriously, you have to some kind of messed up to be forced into anger management by a sport that encourages violent fights during play.

"Mr. Avery has expressed remorse for his recent comments and has sought a professional anger management evaluation," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a league-issued statement. "I will require that he follow through with that process as a condition of his returning to the ice and that he complies with any and all recommendations."

Seriously? This guy has "Man of Leisure" printed on his business cards. Not to sound like Grumpy Old Man, but I remember when "unacceptable and antisocial behavior" was required to play on the fourth line. If anything, Avery should have been forced to play in that game against Calgary so that every goon on the Flames squad could deliver some "anger management evaluations" right there on the ice. Does the league even have goons anymore?

What happened, hockey? You used to be cool.

NHL HANDS AVERY A SIX-GAME SUSPENSION [TSN]

"We are excited about the opportunity to add a player like Sean Avery to our group," said Stars co-general manager Brett Hull. "His ability to play the game with skill and tenacity makes us a better team and is a great complement to the players we have here."

The numbers in the deal have Avery earning $3.5 million next season and $4 million in 2009-10, 2010-11 and 2011-12. Plenty of money to spend on couture pants, shiny shoes, and tissues.

Dallas Stars Land Avery With 4-year Deal [Dallas Morning News]

Hey Ladies! Sean Avery Will "Jerk Off To You Now" [Gawker]

While Mitch Albom was gushing over what a selfless mensch Chris Osgood is on the Sports Reporters this morning for gracefully stepping aside when the Red Wings signed Dominik Hasek, he conveniently ignored the cheap shot Osgood took with the butt-end of his stick to the Stars' Mike Ribeiro at the end of regulation last night in Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals.

Even though Ribeiro retaliated, it would be hard to envision any reaction from the league that doesn't come down heaviest on the goalie. Granted, Osgood has been in net for all of the Red Wings eight consecutive playoff wins and it helps to only have to make 17 saves.

Detroit made up for the loss of center Johan Franzen for the first of two games with a concussion by getting first-period goals by Darren Helm and Henrik Zetterberg. In a series where the Stars look altogether outclassed, a possible suspension of a hot goaltender could be just the thing to help swing a series as it heads to Dallas.

Forget kindergarten. Everything you need to know about life can be learned from old Westerns. You can't trust anyone like you trust your horse. Getting drunk and playing cards is really all the entertainment you need. Real men drink whiskey. People will kill you just to steal your boots. And if you need some iron to take down the local gang of rustlers, you go see the Swede.

The Red Wings have plenty of Scandinavian arms merchants, and they all seem to have scary nicknames. The Mule. Demolition Man. Permanent Owner of the Norris Trophy. Henrik Zetterberg is simply a stone killer. This is a Stockholm Syndrome of a very different sort, one that is so terrifying that fellow countryman Peter Forsberg politely stood aside and let them slangpolska right past his Avalanche.

The Stars should watch carefully, lest Loui Eriksson and Mattias Norstrom pull the same deferential disappearing act in the face of the Rott Pyskander. To counter this gang of blue-eyed killers, the Stars have assembled what sounds like a perfectly deadly tennis team: Brenden. Marty. Brad. Stu. Trevor. Can their popped collars deflect bullets? Do they understand that the cold of the Lapland glaciers pales in comparison to the cold in the depths of Lidstrom's heart?

The Stars do have one true gunslinger on their side. Unfortunately, he no longer laces up skates, has acquired a healthy potbelly, and used up whatever hockey karma he might ever have had in the 1999 Cup Finals. More than the personnel moves, such as acquiring Brad Richards at the trade deadline, GM Brett Hull's greatest contribution to young Stars players like Matt Niskanen and Mike Ribeiro could be to help them learn what it's like to be, and to face, a killer.

Some analysts will tell you that the Stars are a more "complete" team than Detroit. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more complete than having the best defenseman, the two best all-around forwards and an thus-far-undefeated goaltender. The Wings have killed Predators and Avalanche. They've killed just about every thing there is. And now they're coming to kill you, Dallas Stars.

And, if you've got ten minutes or so, enjoy:

No. 4 New Jersey Devils (46-29-7, 99 Points; Beat the Lightning last postseason before getting ass-whupped by Ottawa) vs. No. 5 New York Rangers (42-27-13, 97 Points; Swept the Thrashers before losing to Buffalo in what someone upstate probably considered "The Battle of New York.")

At Devils home games, there's a fairly common chant in the cheap seats: "Rangers Suck," followed quickly by "Flyers Swallow." On the occasion of this latest installment of "The Battle of the Hudson," and with the Flyers lurking in the conference playoffs as well, we feel it's necessary to examine this observation from the Devils' faithful and determine who, exactly, gets it worse: The Rangers or the Flyers?

Taking into consideration the explicit sexual connotation of the chant, the Flyers appear meant to be the more demeaned of the two teams, reaching a punctuated level of emasculating finality. But the swallower, at least to us, infers someone who has reaped the rewards but hasn't put in the effort; someone, for example, who picks up the bowling trophy without ever having seen a pin go down.

The sucker, as it were, infers someone who has put in the work but does not reach finality or reap any reward. True, the inherent homophobia in the chant makes the sucker as humiliated as swallower; but isn't there something more noble about the workmanlike symbolism in the Rangers' sucking rather than the privileged insinuation of the Flyers' swallowing? Especially if the work is the reward for the Rangers. Or, as Pearl S. Buck once said: "To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth."

OK, considering the chant, perhaps using a quote with the word "fountain" may not have been appropriate. Or a quote from someone named "Pearl," now that I think of it.

Key Match-Up for New Jersey: Any Devil against Jaromir Jagr. Ever since the days of Scott Stevens concussing anyone he could lay a shoulder into, the Devils have always had an effective game-plan against Jagr. Whether it's Jay Pandolfo or John Madden or Colin White or David Clarkson, New Jersey will flat out piss Jags off - might like they did when these teams last met in the postseason, and Jagr injured his arm trying to punch Scott Gomez in the back of the head. If the Rangers are going to win, they need Jagr to not be the streaky headache he's been in the regular season.

Key Match-Up for New York: Sean Avery against any Devil. Everyone's favorite asshole has already stirred the pot against Marty Brodeur, Zach Parise and Clarkson this season. Avery scrapped with Clarkson yesterday, in fact. He's not scoring much these days, but Avery certainly knows how to get under your skin and get you off your game. He could be the most annoying thing New Jersey's seen since gay governor jokes.

Worst Case Scenario for New Jersey: The series goes six games, preventing the Devils from setting a franchise record with four sellouts in the first round of the playoffs. (I kid, I kid.) Oh, and four words: Starting Goalie Kevin Weekes.

Worst Case Scenario for New York. Chris Drury fails to conjure up any postseason magic, Lundqvist is outplayed by Marty, and Jagr says "fuck this shit" and gets on a plane for Omsk by Game 3.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Devils in seven. I have tickets to Game 2 in Jersey. Yes, I'm already warming up my vocal chords.

Vital YouTubeage: Teach your children well...even if they're Islander fans:

No. 4 Anaheim Ducks (47-27-8, 102 Points; Current keepers of the Big Silver Thingy) vs. No. 5 Dallas Stars (45-30-7, 97 Points; Wasted three Marty Turco shutouts and lost to Vancouver in Round One)

Has another team gone from somewhat acceptable Stanley Cup champion to completely loathsome as quickly as the Anaheim Ducks? I mean, besides the 1995 Devils?

Seems like just yesterday we were happy for Teemu Selanne on the occasion of his first Stanley Cup; joyful that the Bros. Niedermayer were able to drink from the same silver chalice; happy for J-S Giguere for winning the big prize after dealing with the difficult birth of his newborn son early in the playoffs; and generally in awe of everything George Parros.

Fast forward a season, and Selanne and Scott Niedermayer are lazy veterans whose procrastination and eventual success may lead to a rewriting of the NHL rulebook; the Ducks are viewed as a collection of physical brutes, led by perhaps the most talented thug this side of Tupac in Chris Pronger; heck, even Parros's mustache doesn't turn the key anymore.

Meanwhile ... hey, remember when everyone was about to hand Dallas the Stanley Cup after the Brad Richards trade? Well, since then, he's been outscored (12 points) by both of the forwards who went to Tampa Bay - Jussi Jokinen (18 points) and Jeff Halpern (14 points). The Stars are also missing defenseman Sergei Zubov, which would really hurt if they had a chance in hell of winning the Stanley Cup this season.

Key Match-Up for Dallas: The Stars' power play against the Ducks' kill. If Dallas has a prayer of winning this series, it needs hang goals on that Anaheim defense whenever it can - especially with the Ducks missing scorer Corey Perry and having a second line that fluctuates between being pointless and worthless. Anaheim's kill was 12th in the League; Dallas went 9-for-23 on the power play in its five wins over the Ducks this season and 0-for-15 in its three losses. I'm no math major, but...

Key Match-Up for Anaheim: Chris Pronger's elbow against any player whose head is about that height. Pronger just finished his suspension for trying to break a Ryan Kesler scissor-lock by slicing off Kesler's leg with his skate. Please recall last postseason, when Pronger was suspended twice for violent infractions against smaller players. This does not bode well for Mike Ribeiro.

Worst Case Scenario for Dallas: After a one-postseason reprieve, Marty Turco's five-hole once again becomes as well-trafficked as the Lincoln Tunnel.

Worst Case Scenario for Anaheim. The offense is non-existent, Marty outplays Giggy and Pronger has another "episode" that derails his postseason.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Ducks in six. Turco's good for a couple of wins, but Anaheim's physical advantage is too much for the Stars. And Dallas losing the first round is, at this point, a rite of Spring.

Vital YouTubage: Trying to win a truck with a parody of "The Office." Needs less Duck, more Schrute.

More Arnie/Ducks photos found here.

The Rangers, they get no coffee. The Rangers outshot the Stars 41-18 and thoroughly outplayed them for 60 minutes on Sunday, yet it was those same New York Rangers who ended up on the wrong end of a 3-2 scoreline at Madison Square. Brendan Morrow scored the game winner early in the 3rd period, and as a result, gets the Glengarry leads. Jaromir Jagr will meet with the Nyborgs in the morning.

Jamal for Mayers. Manny Legace stopped 24 shots for the shutout and Jamal Mayers scored twice as St. Louis beat Calgary 3-0 at the Scottrade Center. Quietly, the Blues are having a stellar campaign - they've won six of seven, outscoring the opposition 17-9 in the wins. Of course, people are having a hard time noticing. From NHL.com - "The largest cheers from the crowd came during the first period when the University of Missouri fight song was played in a tribute to the school's football team that earned a No. 1 ranking in The Associated Press poll this week for the first time since 1960." Sigh.

Untouchable, like Elliot Ness. Sunshine state supremacy was fully restored Sunday as the Anaheim Ducks knocked off the LA Kings 3-2. Red hot Ryan Getzlaf scored a pair - he's riding an eight-game point streak - and the Ducks have now won three straight over the Kings after dropping the season opener 4-1...but that shit happened in London. Cali is where the Ducks "put they mack down." Werd.

Welcome back, Brent. Don't let the door hit you: For 29 other franchises, Brent Sopel is a journeyman defenseman blessed with a solid grullet. They'd be shocked to learn, then, that the man called "Sopes" is an absolute cult hero in Vancouver. Here's something you didn't know about Brent Sopel: he dropped acid at the 1988 Monsters of Rock show at the Kingdome and totally freaked out during "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions. But he totally pulled it together for "Still Loving You." *

Anyways, Sopes was at his finest on Sunday, recording two delay-of-game penalties as his Blackhawks lost 2-0 to the Canucks in Vancouver. Brendan Morrison's game-winner came during while Sopes served the first one. An appreciative Vancouver crowd applauded.

*didn't actually happen.

The headline is a quote from Slap Shot, which is both a hockey movie and the first thing I think of when anything hockey-related comes to my attention. The clip is a remarkable sequence from a Thursday night game where Patrik Stefan blew the equivalent of a 2-inch putt, and the commentator acted like he just blew a giraffe in front of a live television audience.

He goofed, for sure, and it is embarrassing. But "the most embarrassing thing you've ever seen in the National Hockey League"? Come on, guy. You've seen those television ratings, right?

Patrik Stefan bungles, Hemsky scores [YouTube]
Stars Overcome Stefan's Monster Mistake [nbc5i]

Off Wing Opinion points us to this rather insane Web page for Dallas Stars winger Jussi Jokinen.

Jokinen, who is from Finland, is very pink.

Oh, and ... well, so sexy, we guess. Off Wing guesses that maybe this is some sort of normal thing in Finland for hockey players to do. Maybe?

For the record, Todd Zeile dresses like this every day. But he doesn't count.

Jussi! You Got Some Explaining To Do! [Off Wing Opinion]