•Bobby Bowden says he won't do any fundraising for Florida State after he retires. He'll be living the dream of many of his players, who want to cut the cord with FSU, but can't seem to graduate.

•Commercials featuring Tiger Woods haven't appeared in prime time since Nov. 29. Which doesn't sound right, because I swear every time I turn on my TV, there he is.

•Three-way trades! Don't you love them? The Yankees get the big name in Curtis Granderson, but the Tigers are the big winners with a can't-miss OF prospect, two young starters and a bullpen lefty. The Diamondbacks, true to form, get shat on.

•Danica Patrick will run a limited schedule on NASCAR's Nationwide Series. It'll likely be the first time feminine hygiene products sponsor a car since Jeff Gordon's.

•The Celtics won their 8th straight, pulling away from Milwaukee. Orlando kept pace, meaning the two are tied at 17-4 — and ten teams are under .500. Much like basketball games don't matter until 5 minutes left in the fourth, I'll just turn on the TV in time for the conference finals.

•••••

Happy Wednesday. Go make some instant coffee.

•Danica Patrick has reportedly signed a three-year deal to stay in IRL. Oh goody, instead of seeing her suck in NASCAR, we'll continue to see her suck in open-wheel racing.

•Lamar Odom has canceled his bachelor party blowout in favor of a more intimate affair. Read: he'll be getting a blow jay from a stripper somewhere that's not swarming with paparazzi.

•David Lee signed a one-year deal with the Knicks. The team may think they were successful in preserving cap space for 2010, but Lee is the real winner; he only has to play one more year with New York.

•Jay Glazer goes backstage for Chuck Liddell's "Dancing With The Stars" debut. Want to know what's wrong with America? This show has better ratings than MMA ever will.

•Prospective Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov was called "unpatriotic" by a member of Russia's parliament. I don't know what the fuss is about; there's nothing remotely American about New Jersey.

•Finally, courtesy of Total Pro Sports, we have fishing show host Dave Mercer with a unique ceremonial first pitch. That kind of control could probably get him a job in the AL West.

Patrick has graced the pages of FHM and Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue, but declined an offer to go clothesless in Hef's shrine to womankind. But ESPN The Mag? That's a dealbreaker, ladies, SportsByBrooks reported Thursday night. Darren Rovell did some gumshoe reporting and got comments from Mr. Gary Belsky and Patrick's camp, which was shocked — shocked! — to hear the report. (Your paycheck, ma'am.)

So says Patrick's rep:

Lewis Kay of BNC public relations, which helps represent Patrick, came back with this note. "Danica is NOT confirmed to appear in the issue, nor has she even been approached," Kay wrote.

And from the desk of Gary Belsky, (our emphasis):

"We are not announcing which athletes are participating in The Body Issue at this time," Belsky, wrote in an e-mail. "When we do reveal the participant list, we will not reveal who disrobed and who did not. The photos will answer most such questions, of course; and we will otherwise let the individual athletes reveal, should they so choose, whether they removed all clothing for our shoots."

"Some are fully disrobing, some are not. That's why we're calling it The Body Issue, not The Nude Issue. In every case, the photos are appropriate and tasteful. The Body Issue is a celebration and exploration of the athletic form in all its glory and extremes, situated within the boundaries of taste and the frontiers of artistic excellence upon which ESPN The Magazine and ESPN have built their reputations."

Personally, though, I don't understand the fuss. So what if ESPN The Mag is trying to be a more refined copycat of Playboy once a year? I read it for the articles anyway.

Danica To Bare It All [SBB]
ESPN 'Nude' Issue Rumors Surface [CNBC]

As you can kind of see from the photo, Danica's flags have sprouted angel wings. Patrick appeared on TSN's "Off The Record", which we assume is Canadian for "Best Damn Sports Show, Eh" to show off the new addition to her tattoo menagerie. She also offered up this choice(?) quote:

I love tattoos, actually. ... Something that is that meaningful that it's there forever. Man, if I got another one … I want something with words in it next time. Mine is a checkered flag-American flag with some angel wings and some stars and stuff.

We'd like to say more, but you know what? She's still probably the classiest woman ever to come out of Roscoe, IL.

****

It's been fun, friends. KOGOD is your emcee tomorrow. Take care.

Undaunted by SI, Danica gets even bigger tattoo [SbB]

The photo above left shows how Danica appeared in 2008's SI swimsuit edition, with her U.S./NASCAR flag flying proudly. This year's edition however; no Old Glory. What gives, asked a horny and puzzled nation? SI first said nothing, and then admitted they removed it, but offered no explanation for the act. But today they cracked.

"The Swimsuit Issue emphasizes natural beauty," the SI spokesman told CNBC. "The freckles are left on and, in this case, the tattoos came off."

And tonight, America sleeps the sleep of full disclosure.

In case you're wondering where our leader was today, I'm told that he was moving. If you helped him lug his many boxes of cleaning products and romance novels, he's very grateful, and hopes that he can return the favor sometime. But he's not driving you to the airport!

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin, and for not suing us too often. See you tomorrow when our Camp Northstar lunch special will be "some kind of beef."

Sports Illustrated Responds To Taking Off Danica's Tattoo [CNBC]
Danica Patrick Tattoo Update [Gunaxin]

Yes, this is the one day of the year when everyone gets to pretend that barely clothed models covered in wet sand is really a tribute to the athletic spirit. (And we also get to pretend that a thong and see-through silk shirt is really a "swimsuit.")

Danica Patrick is back again for some reason, as are lithesome European tennis babes, but SI did a complete 180 by replacing the NFL cheerleaders with ... get this ... NBA dancers! Crazy, but true! How do they do it, man? How do they do it?

Anyway, you don't even need the magazine, because there's about a million new photos posted on their website so depending on the security in your cubicle, we'll see you sometime on Thursday. For those of you stuck on Deadspin today, here's a small taste:

2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition [SI.com]

And the Mid-Ohio madness finally got to Danica Patrick at this weekend's IRL practice session, because she snapped at Milka Duno, a.k.a, the female racer who has remained neutral on where we should by our Internet domains.

After getting out of her car, Patrick walked to where Milka Duno, the only other woman in this weekend's race, was pitted and confronted the driver about getting in her way several times during the practice.

The confrontation lasted about a minute, but witnesses said was heated and that Duno flung a towel in Patrick's direction as the two exchanged words before Patrick walked away.

Having witnessed many arguments between women in Ohio, it's safe to say that "getting in her way" meant these two were probably fighting over me. I'd be honored to put an amiable end to this scuffle by saying that it probably won't work out between either of them and myself. Long distance relationships are the fool's gold of romantic treasure. They're even worse, than, say, assuming a girl likes you when they really don't even know you exist.

Patrick Has Another Confrontation, Another Mediocre Starting Position [Washington Post]

For the Danica Patrick fans out there, she got knocked out in a minor crash in pit row, when Ryan Briscoe tapped her backside a little too hard, causing her to spin and break her rear suspension. That's certainly no way to finish a race, or a date for that matter.

That's all until Tuesday. Enjoy your Memorial Day burger binge, everyone.

Quite a messy day of Indy 500 practice yesterday, with Danica Patrick's car clipping Dale Coyne Racing crewman Charles Buckman and sending him to the hospital with a concussion. Meanwhile, rookie driver Alex Lloyd hit a wall at 223 mph during a practice run and Mario Dominguez got in a minor wreck tapping the inside wall of the warm-up lane. Also, my Micro Machines sets continue to collect dust at my parents' house. A sad day for racing all around.

Gotta like how quickly and emphatically the commentator springs to Danica's defense. "One of our correspondents has told us she is in no way to blame. We won't hear it! No way, no how! Why, if you so much begin to suspect she's at fault..I'll...I'll..I'll be fit to be tied is what! Harrumph and pshaw!"

Okay, in my mind every one sounds like the gatekeeper in the Wizard of Oz when they're upset.

Sure, Patrick is overhyped because she's a woman, but ... so? It seems odd for people to mock her achievements when, you know, they don't really know anything about IndyCar racing; suddenly, everyone thinks they're experts in something when they probably couldn't name another rider in the circuit.

It reminded us of that racer who said Danica Patrick had an unfair advantage because she was smaller, allowing her car to move quicker. This struck us as quite rich. We have finally found one aspect of sport in which a woman might have a physical advantage over a man ... and people are claiming that it's unfair. Yeah, it's really unfair that men are so much larger than women and can therefore play linebacker.

Most Meaningless Sports Triumphs [The Angry T]

And on her 50th start, no less. That, like, means something, since it's divisible by 10, 5, 25, and 17.38, although that last number doesn't go in evenly. If you know what I mean.

So, hey, congratulations to her, and also to the IRL, for prompting me to write a post about one of your races not rhyming with "Blindianapolis 500." And even a normal, boring Indy 500 post would require some kind of creative hook, This Is Spinal Tap reference, or fiery crash. I mean, one can only repeat "Hey, what's Vin Diesel doing in victory lane?" so many times before people in line at Hot Topic start looking at you funny.

Historic Day [IndyCar.com]

Apologies to race fans, but I'm really only interested if a female wins (three are in the field, Danica Patrick, Milka Duno, and Sarah Fisher), and even then I'll probably just say, "Hey, way to go, lady," and go on about my day. The highlight for me was Peyton Manning waving the green flag to start the race, after which some track announcer guy said, "Bless our drivers and Peyton." Especially Peyton.

There's been rain in the forecast, and there's still a chance that we'll see some showers before this thing is over. Well, you might see them. I probably won't be watching. But feel free to tell me all about it in the comments.

Indy 500 race gets a big weather break [IndyStar]

More athletes have been sobered to the fact that, regardless of their peak physical conditioning, their large paychecks and the fawning adulation of fans, they cannot escape creeping death.

Whether it's Ben Roethlisberger smashing into a parked car, Roderick Greene getting knifed or Barbaro's leaking limbs, the veil of indestrucability has been lifted.

Nevertheless, those three have survived (for now), but make no mistake — the days when athletes could pop wheelies in elmentary school parking lots and go bowling without their Kevlar vests are long gone. So, I have put on my grim reaper jumpsuit, invited my Wiccan friends over and compiled a list of athletes most likely to suffer an unnatural death in the next year.

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls: dying time's here.

Jump in the fire, after the jump.

————————————————————-

John Daly, Golfer: 1/2

The demons are dark, deep and out of control with everybody's favorite hard-partying golfer. Where do we start? The weight issue. The gambling debts. The depression. The boozing. The utter contempt for his own perserverance. The suicidal thoughts. Daly might be the closest thing to John Belushi we have right now. And those who knew Belushi kind of accepted the inevitability of his fate. Would anybody be surprised if Daly is found in a hotel room, shirtless, with a belly full of booze and donuts in the next few months?

Kyle Orton, QB, Chicago Bears: 2/1

It started last year with the drooling drunken photos, then the public annoucement that he's a just a young guy having fun, but Orton couldn't project his imminent doom any better than if he had tattooed "DOWNWARD SPIRAL" on his forehead. The bloat, the neck beard, the blase "Hey, i'm just here to keep the trains running"-kind of attitude all indicate Orton's paving his own path of destruction. Looking at Orton in recent pictures conjures up images of "American Prayer"-era Jim Morrison. In three months, we'll find Orton spouting off nonsensical poems and invoking dead Indians in a Naperville bar. All hail the American night....

Danica Patrick, Race Car Driver: 4/1

All race car drivers are at risk, obviously, but Danica is saddled with the pressure of winning a race this year and proving to the rest of the world that she's not just a vagina covered in fireproof clothing. With that kind of pressure, she's prone to take more risks than usual in order to prove her legitimacy. Plus, she's a chick. How many females have you seen teaching driver's ed in your lifetime? Exactly.

Marcus Vick, WR, Miami Dolphins : 4/1

How's this sound: Young black man with a chip on his shoulder, a bad temper, a new position, a familarity with firearms in a city with a sprawling nightlife and plenty of opportunities for trouble? Plus, now he has a paycheck. With drive-bys always a threat when Marcus is around, I wouldn't be surprised if the Miami Dolphins coaching staff doesn't conduct minicamp drills in those bulletproof golf carts the Pope used to ride in.

Adam LaRoche, 1B Atlanta Braves: 7/1

Although he's said he's trying to get control of the situation and is currently in treatment, one thing all ADHD sufferers are not good at is responsibility. Once his prescription starts to run out there will be a time when LaRoche is left without his adderrall supply. Imagine LaRoche standing in the batter's box, trying desperately to maintain concentration, he sees the pitcher winding up and the....hey, look how pretty this stadium is at night...Bonk. 98 mph fastballs to the face do not end well.

In an interview with 104.5 The Zone in Nashville, fellow IRL driver Ed Carpenter talked about whether or not Patrick could make it in potential move to Nascar.

I think Danica's pretty aggressive in our cars. I mean, you know especially if you catch her at the right time of the month, she might be trading plenty of paint out there.

By the way, "trading paint" is a racing term for bumping another car for your own advantage. Alarmed, we looked that up.

Patrick, who somehow garnered an invite to the ESPYs while Carpenter did not, said from the awards program that she wasn't offended, saying Carpenter was a "nice guy."

She then paused and looked directly into the camera. "But you better watch your step, Carpenter. Do you realize that I can bleed for a week and not die! You think about that, Carpenter ... you think real hard."

Driver: 'Time Of Month' Could Help Danica In NASCAR [ESPN]

It's Memorial Day weekend, so that means it's time for the Indianapolis 500, which isn't as cool as it used to be, though it helps to have attractive women racing. Growing up where we did, the Indy 500 was pretty much the most awesomest thing on earth when we were a kid, so we're glad to see it coming back.

We're also proud to note that our gasket-obsessed cousin over at Jalopnik will be covering the bejeezuses out of the race, on site, all weekend long right here. They may even drop by and play with us for a bit. Check 'em out all weekend. Vroom vroom!

I Am Indy [Jalopnik]

Racing Star Danica Patrick Gets Hitched [The Huffington Post]

So we're tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt on his recent comments about Indy racing star-of-the-moment Danica Patrick. When asked about Patrick — whom F1 is rumored to be pursuing for their tour — he said, "You know I've got one of those wonderful ideas ... women should be dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances." Now, we just assume this is a joke, because if your domestic appliances are anything like ours, they're mostly green, brown and some strange dark tint of orange.

Ecclestone is also under fire for the disaster at the United States Grand Prix this weekend. We don't know him well enough to be sure he'll be able to take the heat, but anybody who can get away with saying the following — which he told a journalist in February 2000 when previously asked about women in racing — seems like to be able to hang on for a long time.

"She would have to be a woman who was blowing away the boys. ... What I would really like to see happen is to find the right girl, perhaps a black girl with super looks, preferably Jewish or Muslim, who speaks Spanish."

We're told he was kidding then too. We hope.

F1 CEO Compares Women To "Domestic Appliances" [AP]
Bewildered F1 Fans Want Restitution [AP]