•Two days after ending his holdout, it emerges that Cincy's Andre Smith has a keep-your-weight-down-fatty clause in his contract. Also, he fractured his foot in his first practice. The two things are surprisingly not related.

•In other hilarious injury news, Daunte Culpepper needed stitches on his foot after a freak carpet accident. That's not a sexual euphemism, no matter how erotic it may seem.

•The feds are investigating allegations that the NFLPA held secret talks with the league. Hey, if the inevitable media shitstorm means I'll finally be able to pronounce DeMaurice Smith's first name correctly, then justice will be served.

•Here's your list of top-selling NFL jerseys. Favre at number 1, Vick at number 4, Brady at number8, and Michael Crabtree at number 20. The connection? In a perfect world, none would ever play a snap for their teams.

•Ricky Williams says he'll play two more seasons, then retire. When questioned about this further, Ricky said, "two seasons? I thought you said two seasoned hams."

•And here's Ron Artest covering Celine Dion, proving televised meltdowns are only career-ending if you suck, Stephon Marbury.

Portion of Culpepper's email to Schefter:

The decision I made in 2006 to represent myself rather than hire an agent has been an invaluable experience. I now understand why so many people within the NFL community are uncomfortable with a player really learning the business. The NFL has become more about power, money and control than passion, competition and the love of the game. Regardless of this shift, player’s rights are still supposed to be a part of this league. Since I will not be given the opportunity to honor the memory of Gene Upshaw by wearing a patch on my uniform this year, I will instead spend some of my energy applying what he taught me about standing up for what is right and not sitting down for what is clearly wrong.

Culpepper fun facts: He nearly signed a baseball contract with the Yankees organization after college, and Mike Ditka wanted badly to draft him as a tight end.

As the Star Tribune points out, this is one of the more dramatic falls in NFL history; at 31, Culpepper is just four years removed from an amazing season in which he had 39 TD passes and a 110.9 QB rating. Daunte, you were always just thinking too much, man; someone was always out to get you. You never just leaned back and enjoyed the ride.

Culpepper Announces Retirement [NFL.com]
Good Night, Sweet Daunte: Culpepper Retires [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

It's always one guy on whom you put all your hopes, and then blasto, poofo, away he goes, destroying your team. A couple of years ago, Daunte Culpepper was the culprit, and The Angry T lists some of history's most soul-destroying fantasy flops. Culpepper only comes in third on the list, following LaMont Jordan's sinking in the bed-and-breakfast swamp last year and, sadly ... Kurt Warner. We will never quite wrap our mind around Kurt Warner's football career; we think it might have been a blip in the Matrix.

That is, until he's starting for our Buzzsaw by Week 9.

10 Guys Who Almost Made You Riddle Your Office With Bullets [The Angry T]

(Our pick for this guy this year? Larry Johnson. Not that daring, we know.)

Last night, after his game-clinching touchdown in the Steelers' win over the Dolphins, Porter kissed coach Bill Cowher on the cheek. And it's not for the reason you'd were thinking (that he was trying to initiate intercourse).

"I love the guy for real man and it was just out of the moment," Porter said. "You know, he was right there hugging me and wouldn't let me go, so I just like (Porter makes a kissing sound) to get him away from me."

Cowher's reaction: "I was pretty excited," a statement we would make fun of were Cowher not pretty much the most heterosexual man on earth. Meanwhile, in the land of non-kissing players, the Dolphins — who represent the heterosexual capital of the United States, after all — have to be someone concerned with Daunte Culpepper, who kind looked like, uh, like he did last year. Maybe he could use some sort or trip or vacation or something.

Jock Talk [OutSports]
Daunte Culpepper [Complete Sports]

This difficult time in the life of Culpepper started, of course, with a simple rookie hazing and turned into Wild On Frozen Lakes. Culpepper is free now, but the other three players are still contesting the charges, which means this surely will be a gift that keeps on giving.

Sadly, this means we must say goodbye to Mr. Culpepper, who probably never belonged in this story anyway, considering he was just playing dice while a dancing woman did some random orifice insertions just a few feet away. We are not sure this will inspire his new teammates to be lead into battle by Culpepper; the whole incident seems to label him a follower, not a leader.

Fred Smoot, however ... that's a player you can get behind. So to speak.

Sex Boat Charges Dropped Against Culpepper [Minneapolis Star Tribune]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Judge Kevin Burke questioned the attorneys as he tried to define a legal definition of a lap dance, saying he knows of no relevant case law.

Both attorneys claimed that the details in the criminal complaint were not specific enough to reach what is typically considered a lap dance. ...

Prosecutor Steve Tallen responded in court that he thinks it's clear what the definition of a lap dance would be and that he didn't need to be more specific in the criminal complaint. He said that if Burke dismisses these charges, he would refiled them with more specifics about lap dances.

Man, the world just isn't the same if it doesn't have Mike Tice as a head coach in it. We claim no expert knowledge in the growing field of The Specific Parameters Of Lap Dances And Their Various Permutations, but we rest easy, knowing that the Minnesota legal system is all over it.

Hearing On Vikings Boat Scandal Focuses On Defining Lap Dance [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

Culpepper had demanded a trade, even though he was most of last season and wasn't particularly effective the short time that he played. The Vikings received a second-round pick in return. The move could free up Drew Brees to sign with New Orleans, which could have draft implications as well.

You what the good news is, though? There are tons — TONS! — of boats in Miami. What could possibly go wrong?

Report: Culpepper To Dolphins [Orland Sentinel]

Anyway, Vikings Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams have asked the charges filed against them regarding the Lake Minnetonka incident be dropped because of racial bias against them, claiming that other people on the boat who were white were not charged. They claim the (white) captain of the boat "touched a woman's exposed breast with his mouth while he piloted the boat." Which, by the way, is exactly what happened on our boat trip, minus the captain, exposed breast and "woman."

To remind you of the full charges in the case, both Culpepper and Williams were accused of receiving lap dances ... and that was about it. (The real fun involved Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.) These are lighter "offenses," we think, than trying to drive a boat with a boob in your mouth. We agree with the two Vikings and encourage Minnesota authorities to arrest the captain as well, so that he, and the woman, might tell their testimony. Slowly.

Culpepper Raises Race Issue In Boat Party Charges
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Two of the four players indicted in the whole Lake Minnetonka double-dong fiasco pleaded not guilty yesterday to misdemeanor charges and have "demanded a jury trial." To repeat the initial charges for each player, Culpepper is accused of "getting a 'lap dance' from an unidentified, naked female," and McKinnie, getting his money's worth, "picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her ... at a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat." Yeah, beat that rap. Why deny it? Hell, pay the freaking fine, take the pats on the back from teammates and go on your way.

Moe Williams, the third Viking indicted, is in court today. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Culpepper, McKinnie Plead Not Guilty To Charges In Boat Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

(Update: Fred Smoot has now plead not guilty as well. To blatantly steal from commenter MTD: Best. Exhibit A. Ever.)

Some blogger we've never heard of but will be checking out from now on named "Zembla" has combined two of our favorite stories of the year — the Vikings sex boat and the Miami Hurricanes' scary dorm rap — and created a mashup, wondering what the Seventh Floor Crew would be like if Vikings were involved.

Bryant McKinnie: "Big Nick" (who "slings dick"). Bryant McKinnie is 6'8, 343 pounds, so he's got the "big" part covered. Despite the myriad of sex acts detailed by the Seventh Floor Crew, Big Nick is the only one to discuss cunnilingus. As McKinnie is the only Viking accused of picking up a naked woman, placing her on the bar, and performing oral sex on her, this seems like the perfect match.

We appreciate any Baseball Prospectus-esque discussion of sex boat/dorm gangbang shenanigans, so we're pretty big fans.

Lake Minnetonka And The Seventh Floor Crew [Zembla]

• Fred Smoot is officially a defensive genius... first time in history a DB has been able to cover two receivers. — import
• Fred Smoot the mastermind behind Cover 2. — DynaMo
• Weird thing is, Culpepper got up a minute through the lap dance and Brad Johnson replaced him. Everyone thought the lap dance was far more entertaining/satisfying after Duante took off. — BadClown
• the only way this could possibly be anymore entertaining is if mike tice was pacing the deck with clipboard in hand relaying sex acts to his players..."ok smoot, with mckinnie down up front, you're the back door bandit on the next play." — Large
• I've seen my share of terrible things on the internet, but there is something inherently dry-heavy about the Bryant McKinnie part of this story. Those strippers should just be thankful Kleinsasser was not on board. — David Gilmore

Honestly, we've been laughing about these all day. Wanna be a member of the party? Drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com and tell us why you can rock the house.

The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Fred Smoot: Was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.

Daunte Culpepper: Got a "lap dance" from an unidentified, naked female. During this "lap dance," Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.

Moe Williams: [Williams is witnessed] in the area by the downstairs bathrooms receiving a "lap dance," which involved the "dancer" dancing bare-breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of his female partner.

Bryant McKinnie: [McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. ... At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.

So now you know. Some conversation topics for all your holiday parties this weekend.

Vikings Charged In Bawdy Boat Case [The Smoking Gun]

The news just came down: Four Vikings have been charged with misdemeanors for their part in the sex boat scandal earlier this year. The big name is Daunte Culpepper, which is funny, because all the good sex happened after he got off the boat. (The Vikings were better once he got hurt, you see. Laugh, please.) Also named were Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie and Moe Williams, a short-yard specialist 'til the end.

[Attorney Stephen] Doyle said sex acts were performed in front of employees, and many of the employees were fearful for their safety. The boat captains decided to end the cruise early and turn around because of the activities.

The good news is that there were no federal charges filed. The bad news is that next year's rookie party is going to be at a playground, with Grimace, the Hamburgler and a smattering of very nervous minimum wage McDonald's workers.

Four Vikings Charged In Boat Case [Minneapolis Star Tribune]

(As always, you can find all the best info at The Smoking Gun.)

There are no bids yet, which we find pretty surprising. Maybe the problem is the size of the shirt: Men's Extra Large. Somehow, we have a hard time thinking the guys at the bar on Sunday will find that shirt incredibly cool.

By the way, we're trying to figure out if Daunte Culpeppers myriad of knee injuries is going to make it more difficult to set up another cruise, or less.

Vikings Sex Cruise Retro Vintage T-Shirt [eBay]
We're Guessing Tice Got On The Wrong Boat [Deadspin]

Here it is 15 days after the incident and its still making headlines almost every night. As someone who can almost "pass" for a few different races, I would never normally pull the race card, but at this point I'm almost convinced that if this were concerning a group of white athletes, it wouldn't be scrutinized so highly for this long. The media are such vultures...chasing the players around through the mall, camping out at their neighborhood entrances, all trying to get a storyline.. and we wont even talk about the tabloid papers offering the hundreds of dollars for the pictures. I in no way condone their actions, neither do I fault everyone who attended the cruise because everyone didn't know what kind of smut would unfold. I just hope that everyone doesn't believe everything that the media says because I know this will sound crazy, but it really wasn't that bad.

Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD? That does sound crazy, woman! Come on. Culpepper ... he's the one who brought out the Randy Moss mask for a little "role-playing," right? RIGHT?

NFL Wives Club [Yahoo Group]
We're Guessing Tice Got On The Wrong Boat [Deadspin]

• Bad Jocks is all over this story. Their interesting wrinkle: The Vikings players involved could have broken the federal statute "The Mann Act," which became law in 1910 to "punish those accused of taking women across state lines for the purpose of prostitution." Their complete archive of info on the case is right here. BadJocks was born for this story.
• According to the Pioneer-Press' "Whispers" page — because everyone whispers in Minnesota — the price for players to get on the sex boat was $5,000.
• Players on the boat included Daunte Culpepper, Bryant McKinnie, Fred Smoot (of course) and a very engaged Mewelde Moore, who pleaded, "Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look, I'm engaged. So none of that. That will put me in trouble." So you know.
• Oh, the Vikings got their ass handed to them by the Bears yesterday. In case anyone was still paying attention.

Vikings Sex Boat Orgy Scandal [Bad Jocks]
"Whispers" [Pioneer Press]