Reader Dave was sharp enough to spot this, sad enough to be watching TBS's studio coverage, and bored enough to rip it for your viewing pleasure. That is, if you consider a slob of a man busting ass "pleasure." Lord knows I do. (The good stuff starts at the 0:15 mark.)

The blame's actually got to go with Ernie Johnson here. Farting on air happens, and if everyone just lets it go, we'll all assume we misheard. But when Ernie calls David Wells on what sounded like air escaping from a balloon, he was forced to come back with the immortal "I just farted."

Former Yankee and Country Buffet enthusiast David Wells gets his licks in on Tim Montemayor's show on Sporting News Radio recently. Let's listen to the fun.

Joe Torre should be called J-Fraud. He managed guys like Jeter — guys that were very easy to manage — those everyday players. But when there were guys under the bubble that were struggling, or basket cases like me I guess, he didn’t want anything to do with us.

Joe, he wasn’t tough on guys, he just treated you like crap. If you weren’t in his little circle — the circle of trust — then he could care less about you. I’ve had quite a few confrontations with him. It’s like guys get to fly early … I had to fly with the team — it’s stuff like that. If you’re going to do it for one guy, you might as well do it for the rest, and that’s what he didn’t do with the majority of guys.

Among Torre's boys, according to Wells, were Paul O'Neill, Andy Pettitte, Mariano Rivera, Derek Jeter and Roger Clemens.

Then, on "The Mason & Ireland Show," 710-AM ESPN Radio in Los Angeles, Wells talked about the line in the Torre book in which he wrote "The difference between Kevin Brown and David Wells is that both make your life miserable, but David Wells meant to."

"I'm kind of like blown away because of the fact that he's coming out and he's bashing," Wells said. "I found out last night that he was bashing me and Kevin Brown. He bashed Kevin Brown as a player, when he said he tried to make his life miserable. Nobody tries to make anybody's life miserable out there on the diamond. You're there for one reason and one reason only, and that's to win. If I was trying to make his life miserable, I would have succeeded.

"What we do as athletes, that's our problem, our business, and a lot of guys have come out and destroyed that," Wells said. "That's why they don't have any friends. You just don't do that, and that's what Joe did. When you break the code, you're a punk."

No telling where this will end; I'm just hoping it doesn't end soon. Any bat boys or security guards who have a Yankee story they'd like to relate? New York cabbie: "Torre was a lousy tipper." That book, co-written by me, will be out in May.

David Wells Calls Out Joe Torre: J-Fraud [Larry Brown Sports]
Wells Comments On Torre's Book [MLB.com]
David Wells: Joe Torre Had His 'Boys' [Newsday]

Evidence came with his half price Margarita-fueled, five-inning effort in his debut for the Dodgers on Sunday; LA beating the Mets 6-2. Our hero (6-8) allowed seven hits and two runs, walked three and struck out two in his first game in 20 days ... not bad, really. The Dodgers are now 3½ games back of wild card-leading San Diego, but with three teams to pass (four if you count the Rockies, with whom they are tied), it looks grim. Rafael Furcal went 3-for-4 and scored two runs. David Wright doubled twice for the Mets, who lead the NL East by six games over the Phillies. Kind of odd, isn't it, that David Wells is employed and Alberto Gonzales is not?

• We Now Join The NL Central Already In Progress. Georgia native Adam Wainwright threw seven innings to get the win as the Cardinals beat the Braves 4-1 powered by Juan Encarnacion's home run. And so our little soap opera shows the Cubs (5-4 losers to Arizona) in the lead, with Milwaukee (5-4 losers to the Giants) in second 1 1/2 games out, and St. Louis in third, two games back.

• We're Calling This. Joe Torre quote following Sunday's 5-4 loss to the Tigers: "We're all right." Translation: "We're screwed. We just have to hope for the wild card now." Curtis Granderson had an inside-the-park homer for the Tigers. The Yankees fell to 7 1/2 game behind the Red Sox in the AL East.

• Howard Huge. All you Ryan Howard fans should know that he homered and had four RBI as the Phillies beat the Padres 14-2.

• Four-Game Sweeps. David Ortiz hit a two-run homer, and J.D. Drew and Bobby Kielty also homered, making a winner of Julian Tavarez (!), the Red Sox beating the White Sox 11-1.

Maybe you've forgotten, but the Dodgers are in the middle of the NL wild card hunt, and they're hoping that a certain 44-year-old who is fond of macaroni and cheese sandwiches will help them reach the Promised Land. David Wells is back in a pennant race! He agreed to a contract Thursday and plans to make his first start on Sunday night against the Mets in New York. It's probably too much to hope for that Wells would face Pedro Martinez is that one, so I'll just be thankful for whomever they throw out there. Wells, of course, was designated for assignment by the Padres on August 9 and placed on waivers four days later. He cleared waivers last week and became a free agent. The funny thing is that he actually could help ... the Dodgers beat the Phillies 5-2 on Thursday (Chad Billingsley (!) got the win), to move 2 1/2 games behind San Diego and a half-game behind the Phillies in the wild card race. Godspeed, Boomer. Hmm, could it be that the only reason he's coming back is to get a shot at some of that sweet Who's The Boss lady action? I, for one, hope so.

• Speaking Of Said Padres And Mets ... After Billy Wagner and Trevor Hoffman (combined career saves: 867) proved worthless and weak, Heath Bell ushered in a bright, new era in relief pitching to lead the Padres over the Mets 9-8. Adrian Gonzalez homered in the 10th to win it, as both Wagner and Hoffman earned blown saves. Bell pitched the 10th, giving up two singles and striking out one to hold on for the save.

• Boof Bonser Alert. Perhaps even more devastating than giving up 30 runs in one game is getting beaten by Boof Bonser. The Man Called Boof pitched seven innings and allowed three hits to get his first win since June 10, the Twins beating the Orioles 5-2. Oh, and three errors by Baltimore helped. Bonser was 0-8 in his previous 12 starts.

• Piazza Delivery. It was career homer No. 424 for Mike Piazza, one of his four hits for five RBI in leading the Athletics over the Devil Rays 12-2.

• Cain Mutiny. Giants starter Matt Cain beat Carlos Zambrano both on the mound and at the plate, San Francisco prevailing over Chicago 4-1. Cain shut down Chicago for seven innings and hit his second career homer. St. Louis lost and and Milwaukee was idle, essentially giving the NL Central race a day off.

Wells continued to hang around, though, even making a postseason start last year for the Padres. But now, the pilot light might have finally died out: The Padres cut Wells this morning after the Cardinals banged him around for seven runs in an inning earlier this week.

"I think Father Time caught up with him," Padres general manager Kevin Towers said. "At times, he showed good stuff, but he was a little more inconsistent. He might have a good outing, but then he'd struggle for three or four. I think the velocity was still there, but the curveball was a little more inconsistent and he was struggling with his cutter. He didn't have a pitch to command the inside part of the plate."

If Wells is indeed done, we feel we must properly salute a baseball original. Before there was El Guapo, there was Wells, the late-night drunken phone calls, the perfect games, the odd obsession with Babe Ruth. Only in baseball could David Wells have ever thrived, and if he's done, we will miss him.

Wouldn't surprise us if the Cardinals signed him, though.

Oh, and of course: The Dugout.

Time Finally Caught Up For Wells [San Diego Union Tribune]
Bottom Of The Wells [Yahoo Sports]

"I don't think I would ever do it because of the fact I personally think it would disrespect the team and your teammates," Clemens Wells told the Florida Sun-Sentinel. "You look at the other players. How are they going to respect you? What are they going to think if you're not there pulling for the team? That's not the Yankee way. The Yankees have changed."

Meanwhile, at a charity golf tournament on Monday, Clemens took time out to explain that his return is, certainly, not about the money.

"I didn't know the details of my contract sitting down yesterday," he told AP. "That's how quick the decision was made to do this."

Wow, just imagine what he'd be making if it were about the money.

Wells Disagrees With Clemens' Special Treatment [MSNBC]
Wells Gets Detention, Call Home To Parents [Deadspin]
Clemens Denies Return Is 'Only About Money' [MSNBC]

(Photo via The Weekly Donut)

"'I wasn't accusing him or anything of the sort. So the [expletive] who did it, or the [expletives] who did it, I think they need to [expletive]. And you can quote me on that. [Expletives].''

As much fun as it might be to simply insert various curse words at random, we prefer to just stay highbrow here and merely insert the word "manhug." That, or maybe, "Steinbrenner."

Wells Attempts To Clear The Air [Boston.com]

"(Barry Bonds should) be a man and come out and say that he did [use steroids]. Don't hide behind the uniform. Don't hide behind the players association. If you're guilty and you got caught, come clean. I think he'd get a lot more respect from people than lying. Unknowingly took 'roids? I know everything I've done. If I'm going to do something to my body, I know what's going in. I'm not going to let someone put a needle in me, not knowing what's in that needle. That's a joke."

"Bud Selig needs to resign. That's what he needs to do. He needs to resign and bring someone in who's capable of communicating with the players association and the owners, as well as the players, because there's so much hatred against Bud right now. It's a joke. Nobody likes him. [Selig] worries about what people say about him and he Googles himself. I'm sure he's going to Google [his name] tomorrow and say, 'Oh, there's Dave talking about me.' You know what? Be a man of your words. He's ducked me for two years."

I once saw David Wells and Todd Stottlemyre drinking together in Cleveland. Wells was holding three cans of beer stacked on top of each other with one hand, while drinking out of the top one. I have attempted this many times since, but my pudgy little hands just can t quite do it.

We just went in the other room and tried this very thing. It is impossible. But we put nothing past David Wells.

Athlete Run-In: Where There Is Tom, There Is Tara [Deadspin]

"I met [yesterday] with Major League Baseball and the Players Association and was happy to have the chance to answer questions about my press conference [Monday] and to learn more about the drug-testing program and on-field disciplinary suspensions," Wells said in a statement released through the players' union.

"Now that I have had this opportunity to sit down and discuss the issues, I better understand the procedures that go with steroid testing. I now know that neither Bud Selig nor anyone else delayed the [Rafael] Palmeiro case and that the Commissioner's Office has worked with the union to improve the steroid policy."

"On-field disciplinary suspensions." "Understand the procedures." "Have had this opportunity." Yeah, totally sounds like David Wells.

Wells Plays Nice [Boston.com]
Wells Gets Detention [Deadspin]

Oh, and we don't think Wells is going to bring Sammy Hagar to the meeting ... but wouldn't it be cool if he did?

Baseball Office Wants Word With Wells In Person [Boston.com]

Choice quotes:

"I don't know what the point was even having a hearing. They said I clearly bumped him and sprayed him with spit. That's coming from a guy that works for the commissioner, so what can you do?"

"I've been tested [for steroids] three times this year, but it's obvious that there's guys getting away with doing it," Wells said. "And he's not doing a thing."

"In the Palmeiro case . . . from what I understand from a few sources, (Selig) said, 'Let's just wait until the Hall of Fame (induction) is over and then we'll suspend (him).' That's what I heard," Wells said. "He probably did it because he didn't want the Hall of Famers or electees to have to answer questions about steroids because its a distraction."

We were all thinking the same thing, obviously ... but Bud Selig isn't our boss.

Appeal Is Upheld; Wells Is Irate [Boston Globe]