How To Ditch The Pillsbury Dough-Log And Make Your Own Cookies

Ah, the chocolate-chip cookie. Many a confectionery addiction kicked off the moment an impressionable youngster watched a vulgar blue puppet shovel platefuls of these things into his gaping, vacant mouth-hole. This obsession probably also explains why the Sexy Cookie Monster costume exists. (Related: I'm still… » 7/22/14 2:09pm Tuesday 2:09pm

How To Make Seafood Paella, Whether It's Traditional Or Not

Picture the scene! An early summer evening in Valencia, Spain, in the mid-19th century; an aromatic open fire of orange and pine branches, and pine cones, crackles happily in an orchard clearing. A wide, flat pan, enormous, two feet across, sits suspended over the flames. The men, their olde-thymey pants hitched… » 7/12/14 1:02pm 7/12/14 1:02pm

How To Make Macaroni Salad, The Very Least You Can Do

"Hey guys, we're having a [variety of outdoor cookout-y shindig] on [date] at [place], and we'd love for you to come! We'll have beer and [variety of greasy meat], and [dude] has agreed to whip up a batch of his famous [really fatty and gross but also kind of delicious side, probably with little pieces of bacon in… » 7/05/14 2:42pm 7/05/14 2:42pm

How To Make Pancakes, A Marvel Of Labor And Science

The pancake—the notion of the pancake as a breakfast food—comes to us from an older time, a slower time, a time before boxed cereal. A time when your breakfast choices included grinding wheat into flour, mixing it with liquid, and cooking it, or else just chewing on some un-ground wheat like an asshole. Nobody… » 6/14/14 12:31pm 6/14/14 12:31pm

Do Not Wear A Suit With Shorts

Men's shorts are OK. (Women's shorts are also OK, but they are much more obviously OK, and not what we are talking about.) Summers get hot around this part of the solar system; why swaddle those vast swaths of leg-skin behind fabric when you could use them, sensibly, to radiate your body's internal (and rising) heat? » 6/09/14 5:04pm 6/09/14 5:04pm

How To Cook A Pork Shoulder On The Grill: A Good Day's Work, For Once

A truth of the modern workplace is that you do a lot of tedious bullshit—meetings and reports and conference calls, spreadsheets and data entry and friggin' change-controls, office politicking and ass-kissing and -covering, long hours and long commutes and long/haggard/grey faces and exhaustion—for the production of… » 5/31/14 1:44pm 5/31/14 1:44pm

Your Open Relationship Is Horseshit

There was a dude on Reddit today who proposed an open relationship with his girlfriend, only to have the whole thing blow up in his face when his girlfriend managed to score vestigial lovers and he couldn't do likewise. Any normal person will tell you that, unless your name is Gene Simmons, open relationships are… » 5/19/14 5:09pm 5/19/14 5:09pm

How To Make Hummus For Yourself, Like A Real Friggin' Human Would

If you live on earth, your local supermarket has a lot of packaged hummus in it. Different brands and varieties, different accompanying flavors and garnishes—roasted red peppers! pine nuts! roasted garlic! spinach and artichoke hearts! XXXtreme Buffalo-Ranch Frito-Blast Flavor Dirt!—and so on. This is because people… » 5/17/14 1:46pm 5/17/14 1:46pm

How To Cook And Eat Whole Shrimp (Yes, Even Their Heads)

Generally speaking, we like shrimp. Your local supermarket testifies to this: Multiple sizes of shrimp of various provenance on display at the seafood counter; shrimp prepared and flash-frozen in wild variety (OK, maybe not wild variety, but anyway Captain Gorton breads them at least a couple of different ways) over… » 5/10/14 1:05pm 5/10/14 1:05pm

How To Make Chili Oil, AKA Liquid Fun

The problem with condiments is that even if they're theoretically intended to enhance or complement the flavors of a given dish, too often they just swamp those other flavors instead. Take, for example, ketchup, the iconic condiment: It doesn't taste bad (and anyone who tells you it does is more interested in… » 5/03/14 10:39am 5/03/14 10:39am

How To Make Fish Tacos, Perfection Now And Forever

Hell no, I don't need to persuade you to make fish tacos. Pfft. No way. It's spring; the sun is shining in a blue sky; birds were singing outside your open window when you awoke this morning, because you left your window open overnight, because that is what you do in springtime, because you are not Gargamel, and in… » 4/26/14 2:17pm 4/26/14 2:17pm

How To Hard-Boil Eggs, For Godly Or Ungodly Purposes

Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly) (I mean, we are talking about boiled eggs, and we are gonna have to calibrate our "interesting" scale pretty generously here), hard-boiled eggs, when made properly, receive a much softer boiling than soft-boiled eggs. The "-boiled" is what confuses things: It makes you think… » 4/19/14 1:09pm 4/19/14 1:09pm

How To Grill A Flank Steak, The Steak For Socialists

We are Americans (no, not you, Canadians) (OK, you too, c'mon over here ya big galoots), and we like big hunks of steak*. To be precise, we like our own big hunks of steak: We like to saunter into Bob's House of Steak all bowlegged and gimlet-eyed like John Wayne and order for ourselves some great obscene wad of… » 4/12/14 1:32pm 4/12/14 1:32pm