This spot featuring Roger Federer, Thierry Henry and Tiger Woods premiered in early 2008. Federer went from averaging double digit titles a year before the campaign, to totaling eight wins in the two years since. Henry has become a global goat for his handball. And Woods...you know.

David Beckham's contract with Gillette ran through 2007, the year he became the world's only superstar athlete who managed to fade into obscurity by playing in Los Angeles. Was this year's MLS Cup disappointment a direct result of his association with Gillette? It's tough to be certain, but yes. Yes it was.

This ad featuring Sergio Garcia premiered in the summer of 2008, right after El Nino won The Players Championship. He's 0 for 27 on the PGA Tour since.

Oh, and that other guy in the spot, Ricky Rubio? He had the misfortune of being taken by the Timberwolves, and scurried back to Spain.

The curse doesn't stop at "real" sports. John Cena signed a deal to become a Gillette pitchman in February of 2008, just after winning the Royal Rumble as a surprise entrant. But as well all know, he managed to lose three straight title matches in the next three months.

So how about Derek Jeter? The man's superhuman. Gillette ads, SI's Sportsman of The Year, and no divine retribution. If he manages to get himself on the cover of Madden 11, the universe may collapse in on itself.

It seems like it was only two years ago (it was two years ago) that Our Captain was seen sunning himself on the beach with a face full of Jessica Biel's squat-enhanced rump. Before that, it was those busty teenage girls. This year, it's Minka Kelly from "Friday Night Lights", sprawled out on a dock in St. Bart's as Our Captain watches the tide roll away, wasting time.

If anything, these photos should make pudgy journos reconsider that sentimental MVP vote again because, you know, fuck that guy.

Gallery at PopSugar

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Keep Barry warm tonight.

•If he's going to bang his way through Hollywood, why not try a little acting? Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless man in the new Will Ferrell movie.

•Holy shit. I don't ever want to see the Bears on national TV ever again (not that I get the NFL Network, but you get the idea). Jay Cutler passed the ball to 12 different players; five of them on the 49ers.

•Maybe Jamal Lewis had a point about Browns practices being too rough? DE Keith Grennan ruptured a patellar tendon during yet another one of Eric Mangini's "opportunity drills." If the point of these optional practices is to give players the opportunity to prove to coaches that their knees won't explode, Grennan failed to impress.

•Joe Namath's yellow Lab was declared dangerous and must be muzzled, after it attacked a UPS driver and a nurse. Expect Joe to be running the wildcat offense for his retirement community's recreational period football team soon.

•Cam Ward will miss a month of action after having his leg sliced by a skate blade. Want the only proof you need that players aren't as tough as they used to be? Clint Malarchuk was back in goal a week later.

•An eighth grader was suspended for shaving Bengals stripes into his hair. The school claims it violates their code of conduct on hairstyles, but I think his real crime is being a Bengals fan.

•Tired of the flowchart meme yet? Too bad, because here's a really good one for NHL suspensions.

•Finally, because it's sweeping the Interwebs, it's the Dock Ellis LSD No-Hitter. In cartoon form!

In a brilliant little bit of counter programming—and fortuitous timing—last night's episode of "Let's Watch Fat People Suffer" featured American Hero" Derek Jeter trying to cheer up people who aren't skinny enough to date Victoria's Secret models. What a guy! I'm sure Philly fans will be totally respectful of his courageous stand against obesity and won't mock him at all for the unfortunate title of the show.

* * * * *

On a completely unrelated side note, I forgot how insufferable it is to be in New York City when the Yankees are in the World Series. It's about time the world took notice of this humble burg! This city has suffered so much since the Giants last won the Super Bowl, hasn't it?

Page Six reports that New York brass has warned the women to stop talking shit about A-Rod's ladyfriend to the press, a smear campaign allegedly orchestrated by head Mean Girls Minka Kelly and Laura Posada. Kelly, specifically, is said to be upset with Hudson's constant front row and nightlife appearances.

The Yankees told the girls to be careful who they spoke to about Kate. They are concerned about the ramifications for the players."

The feud between the starlets (though I'm not sure Kate, with how she's looking these days, deserves that moniker anymore) doesn't seem to have torn apart the clubhouse, as Kelly has re-energized Jeter in a way that Vanessa Minillo and Jessica Biel couldn't, while a single and happy Rodriguez is shaking off his October stigma.

No word on whether the ladies disapprove of Hideki Matsui's left hand.

No Hate For Kate [NY Post]

Anyway. When I was a freshman at the University of Science, I took an expository writing course, designed to teach people how to write simple, straightforward essays with a clear premise and supportive, information-laden sentences. The idea was to strip away all non-essential information, so the premise of one's essay shone through, leaving the reader 100%, rock-solidly clear on what point one was making.

While I was taking that course, my classmate Hal Bodley of MLB.com was partying and making out with his girlfriend and cooking up this gem: which gives expository writing, the concept of "the essay," and the notions of clarity and the logic-supported argument a giant middle finger.

Jeter deserving of AL MVP Award

Premise.

Yankees captain's campaign more than simply numbers

Immediate obfuscation of premise. Off to a good start.

If Albert Pujols is a slam-dunk to win the National League Most Valuable Player Award, Derek Jeter is not too far behind to take the American League MVP Award.

Unsupportable jibber-jabber.

Here are Pujols's stats: 1.000/1.000/4.000/5.000. That's right. He is batting a thousand, with a thousand OBP (naturally), and every hit has been a home run, and thus his OPS is a perfect 5.000. (Why aren't people talking about this more? It has to be some kind of record.) He is the best baseball player in the world. Sometimes he hits without a bat just to give the other team a chance. La Russa gave him a day off last week, and he spent it with his family watching "G-Force," and he still went 3-3. Congress just enacted a law making it illegal to watch him play without the aid of a radiation blast shield.

Derek Jeter, on the other hand, is an excellent baseball player having a very, very good year. .331/.398/.469/.867. 17 HR, 101 runs, 192 hits. At SS, which is obviously quite valuable. I will not quibble if he wins the MVP, but it should be noted that Joe Mauer is having a much better year, at the only position more valuable than SS. Mauer is .368/.433/.606/1.039, with 10 more HR. That's a better BA, better OBP, better SLG, and far more HR. For you VORPies out there (hey, VORPies!) Mauer is blowing Jeter's doors off, 81.3 to 59.8. Therefore, Hal Bodley, Derek Jeter is way, way less of a "slam dunk" for his league's MVP than Albert Pujols.

Now…make some crazy arguments why I'm wrong! Go!

When Jeter passed Lou Gehrig's record that had stood for more than 70 years over the weekend for most hits by a Yankees player, he sealed the deal.

Not that crazy! Aaaagghhhhhhh! My eyes!

Achieving the all-time hit record for a franchise – and I could be wrong here – and pardon me, sincerely, if I am – but I really do not believe I am – but again, if I am, please, please forgive me kind sir, for I am but a humble blogger, and you work for MLB.com, so your expertise in the matter is not to be taken lightly, and I understand that – but in any case, what I was about to say was: achieving the all-time hit record for a franchise is, to the best of my knowledge, not fucking relevant one tiny fucking bit.

Sure, you can argue the honor should go to the Minnesota Twins' Joe Mauer, or even Jeter's teammate, Mark Teixeira, but if the Yankees captain isn't MVP, the voting baseball writers should be investigated.

The BBWAA should be investigated. For giving the MVP. To someone. Who is having. A. Better. Year.

Sure, you can argue that "Revolver" is a better album then David Lee Roth's "Eat ‘Em and Smile," but David Lee Roth's "Eat ‘Em and Smile" should still win the award for best album ever. I mean, that's a no-brainer.

When Jeter collected his 2,722nd hit at Yankee Stadium late Friday night, it was another of those cherished moments in baseball history — like the night in 1985, when Pete Rose passed Ty Cobb's all-time hits record, or 1995, when Gehrig's consecutive games record was shattered by Cal Ripken Jr.

No, sir, it was not. It was not like that. Because Pete Rose broke the all-time record for hits. That's the most fundamental, salt-of-the-baseball-earth record that exists. Hits. He has the most hits. That's so, just, rock-solid and American. And when Ripken showed up that day and went to work, he had been at work every single day for like 13+ years. No sick days, no injury days, no "I don't feel like it" days. And at the time, coming off the strike, what he did really helped the average baseball fan reconnect with the game, I think. It helped take the edge off the "millionaires fighting billionaires" thing that was legitimately threatening the sport. Ripken and Rose transcended.

Derek Jeter broke his team record for hits.

I know the team is a famous team, and has had many great players, but can we get a fucking grip? Does anyone who's not a Yankee fan give a shit about Derek Jeter breaking his team record for hits? He's a great player, he's 35, he's very good at baseball, he's a Hall of Famer. But you're trying to tell me that Derek Jeter breaking his team record for hits was as cherished a moment in baseball history as Pete Rose breaking the ALL-TIME RECORD FOR HITS FROM ALL PEOPLE ON ALL TEAMS EVERYWHERE IN HISTORY?

Oh – wait. No. You're not. What you're actually trying to do is way crazier, which is to tell me that the fact that Derek Jeter broke his team record for hits means that he should be the 2009 AL MVP.

The legendary Gehrig, also a Yankees captain, was beloved and respected and for someone with the same admirable qualities to now hold this record is fitting.

To: the BBWAA

Re: MVP Voting

Hey Guys,

Just wanted to remind you of the guidelines for MVP voting, because there's been some confusion this year. It's really quite simple. You should cast your vote based on these four criteria:

1. Is the player beloved?
2. Is the player respected?
3. Is the player a Yankee?
4. Did the player do something that another Yankee – who was also beloved and respected – had once done?

Any questions, please direct them to Jeannie in my office. She can send you a type-written sheet with these guidelines, which can be mounted side-by-side with a picture of Derek Jeter pumping his fist and will be suitable for framing.

Cordially,

Bud Selig


The MVP Award should go to the player whose leadership and value has contributed to his team's success more than any other individual. Jeter has been that player for the Yankees as they storm to another AL East title.

Derek Jeter is seventh in OPS. On his own team. He is eighth in HR. He is sixth on his team in doubles. Sixth! The guy who hits seventh on the Yankees has an .865 OPS (same as Jeter) and is hitting .319 and plays second base. The guy who hits eighth on the Yankees has 27 home runs. The Yankees have pinch-hitters who are better than anyone on the A's. The Yankees' line-up is looney-tunes. Also, they have some pitchers who are good.

The Twins, meanwhile, have Joe Mauer and fourteen guys who either are Nick Punto or look and play exactly like Nick Punto.

There may be teammates who have higher batting averages, hit more homers, driven in more runs, but no one has been more valuable to the Yankees this season.

There may be more delicious foods than water chestnuts, but water chestnuts are the most delicious food.

You can't just say that. I'm sorry, but Mrs. Wehrtover, my expos teacher, would get out her famous red marker and scribble: ?????? all over your paper and give you a C-minus. She was tough, Mrs. Wehrtover, and she wasn't much of a looker, but she had a heart of gold.

The Yankees are the most successful, renowned team in Major League history.

Relevance to 2009 AL MVP Race: [N/A]

When you think of them, the names of Gehrig, Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle come to mind.

Relevance to 2009 AL MVP Race: [N/A] (And for the record, what I think of is George Steinbrenner being banned for life for spying on Dave Winfield, Chuck Knoblauch's phantom tag on Jose Offerman, and how for some reason when Jeffrey Maier cheated and turned a Derek Jeter fly ball out into a home run, that somehow meant that Derek Jeter = super clutch.)

Years from now, Jeter's name will be uttered in the same breath.

Relevance to 2009 AL MVP Race: [N/A]

All those iconic Yankees made their marks, but none collected more base hits in their careers than Jeter.

Relevance to 2009 AL MVP Race: [N/A].

I'm just going to keep doing this. You guys can skip ahead or something.

Ruth had 2,518 hits, Mantle had 2,415 and DiMaggio, 2,214. It's amazing none reached the 3,000-hit standard.

Did you guys know that if you tried to reach the moon by stacking nickels on top of each other, it would take more than 4 trillion nickels? Isn't that amazing? I agree. So we're in agreement — let's give Derek Jeter the 2009 AL MVP.

"For those who say today's game cannot produce legendary players, I have two words: Derek Jeter," Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said in a statement after the record fell.

…Who said today's game cannot produce legendary players?

"As historic and significant as becoming the Yankees' all-time hits leader is, the accomplishment is all the more impressive because Derek is one of the finest young men playing the game today."

That's a very nice sentiment, Person Who Pretended to be George Steinbrenner and Wrote That. Well done.

When I read Steinbrenner's words, I thought back to a day in his Tampa office at nearly a decade ago when he complained about the fact Jeter's nightlife was a distraction to his on-field play.

Quick reminder: this article is supposed to be about why Derek Jeter is a "slam-dunk" for 2009 AL MVP. We are off course, now, a little, I think.

The Boss had learned his shortstop had been out late the night before a game at a birthday party.

"Let me put it this way: I think Derek had better pay more attention to the ballgame than he does the women," Steinbrenner said. "I love him, but during the season, I want him completely concentrating on the team."

To seal the relationship not too long after, the Boss and Jeter made a Visa TV commercial that made light of the Jeter's late-night escapades. It was hilarious.

To: the BBWAA

Re: MVP Voting

Hey Guys,

Sorry – huge mistake in the last memo. Forgot to add – and I know you already know this – that your vote for 2009 AL MVP should also take into account whether the Yankee you are voting for has ever made a fucking VISA commercial. And it goes without saying that your vote should take into account whether or not Hal Bodley thought the commercial was humorous.

Sorry about cursing in this letter,

Bud Selig

Jeter, 35, grew up a Yankees fan and has worn the prestigious pinstripes with pride.

What are we even talking about, at this point?

Through Sunday's games, Mauer leads the AL with a .366 batting average. Jeter is fourth at .332, with 17 homers, 63 RBIs and 192 hits.

This is just dropped in, to the middle of this argument, with no explanation. It's like writing a long, long essay about how Brazil is the largest country in the world, and then casually mentioning, thirty paragraphs in, that Russia is actually way bigger.

For now, though, talk of the MVP Award is far down Jeter's list of priorities.

The closest he's come to the honor was in 2006, when he finished second to Minnesota's Justin Morneau.

2006 is the year this article should have been written. Derek Jeter absolutely deserved the MVP in 2006. Led the league in VORP. Morneau was a horrifyingly bad choice – 13th in VORP (Mauer was 4th) and was the winner due mostly to things like RBI and maybe Canadianness or something. 2006 = Jeter, easily. 2009 = Mauer. Although, now that I think about it, has Mauer broken one single career team record in anything?! Or done one credit card commercial with Carl Pohlad?!?!

Gehrig was MVP just once — in 1936, when he batted .354 with 49 homers, 152 RBIs and 205 hits.

Seriously. What are we talking about?

"I've always had a tough time in my career enjoying things as they happen, because I'm always trying to look to the next game," Jeter said. "It was devastating and a great disappointment not getting to the playoffs last year. Returning is our main goal now."

Why put this quote here? This has nothing to do with the previous paragraph, and less to do with the next. Were she to read this, Mrs. Wehrtover would get out her famous red pen and write, "This is fucking nonsense" and set your essay on fire. Then she would remove the pencil from her hair and take off her glasses and oh my God Mrs. Wehrtover is a super hottie!!!!

Around the Yankees clubhouse, Jeter is the MVP.

To: the BBWAA

Re: MVP Voting

Hey Guys,

One last thing. It goes without saying that you should also take into consideration what the Yankee players think.

Kanye was framed,

Bud Selig

Manager Joe Girardi won't say that, but puts his sentiments this way: "Derek is doing everything for us. He's stealing bases, playing good defense and getting on base early in the game.

"The way he gets us started is incredible. He's up in the first inning, and it is like he's saying, 'It's time to play right now. Let's get started. Let's not wait three or four innings to go after them.'"

This is the longest article ever written. Thank God I don't have to analyze it for no reason and send it to someone I've never met so he can publish it on a blog I don't write for.

I think it's pretty goddamn obvious that Derek Jeter should be the MVP. I mean, we've established that he set the Yankee career record for hits this year, which is traditionally a rubber-stamp for AL MVP. We've established that he and his owner once filmed a commercial for a credit card company, which should end the debate right there. But just to be extra, extra sure Derek Jeter deserves the 2009 AL MVP, can we just real quick check in with Johnny Damon to make sure that Damon can characterize Jeter with one of the most boring and least-descriptive baseball clichés known to man?

When outfielder Johnny Damon came to the Yankees after playing for the Red Sox, he said, "There's something about Derek that I found out: He makes everyone around him play better."

Well there you go. That about does it. Although, there is some question, regarding Jeter's candidacy for 2009 AL MVP, about whether he wears the pinstripes with the requisite pride both on and off the field.

Jeter is not only a leader when he's wearing the pinstripes in the clubhouse and on the field, he carries that same persona away from Yankee Stadium.

Man, Bodley – you are covering every conceivable angle of Derek Jeter's candidacy for 2009 AL MVP. I mean, I do still have some MVP-related questions in re: whether Jeter takes time for people who approach him, even on dark days.

I can never remember him embarrassing the Yankees. He seems to always take time for most anyone who approaches him, even on dark days.

Check. Great work. And I'm glad you do nothing at all to explain what the fuck "He seems to always take time for most anyone who approaches him, even on dark days" means. Because that is definitely a crystal clear sentence, when you are talking about whether someone should be MVP of the AL.

...this is arguably Jeter's finest year and it will be a shame if MVP voters don't examine closely his season. It's much more than mere numbers.

Amen, brother. The MVP is about taking time for most anyone who approaches someone, even on dark days. It's about VISA ads and being 21.5 runs behind the league leader in VORP and wearing the pinstripes with pride. It's about calm eyes, and making people around you better. Winning the 2009 MVP is about the sum total of all the hits you have gotten for a specific team from 1995 to the present, and whether or not anyone else who has ever played for that team accumulated more hits. The 2009 AL MVP is about the Yankees, and Lou Gehrig, and Babe Ruth, and things Johnny Damon has "found out." It's about intangibles, dammit. Intangibles.

He has to be the AL MVP.

I couldn't agree more.

"He" is Joe Mauer, right? I kind of tuned you out for a while. I assume you mean Joe Mauer.

First you ruin baseball, and now you're ruining sportswriting. Is there nothing you won't fuck up, steroids?

BRONX BOMBSHELL: DEREK JETER SAYS HE USED STEROIDS

Awesome! I hope this is real, and not a "what-if" gambit!

Well, what would you do if ESPN interrupted your regularly scheduled programming for that one?

Damn. It was a "what-if" gambit.

To answer your "what-if" gambit: I would be mildly surprised for eleven seconds, then I would nod slightly at the non-news that another huge star had taken steroids, then I would chuckle to myself while thinking about what Mike Francesca would say about it. ("Not today. Not in The Bronx. Not with all the ghosts looking down from heaven. Not Derek Jeter. Not like this...not like this..."). Then I would turn the channel to see if anything good was playing on Starz HD West. Maybe "You Can Count On Me" or something. I can watch that movie over and over again without getting bored. Unlike the movie called "Baseball Players Did Steroids."

Would it be enough to make you shred your season tickets, douse your baseball cards with charcoal fluid and delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list?

I have several questions.

1. After A-Rod, Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro, Sosa, Clemens, Giambi, Manny, Ortiz, and like 8200 others, why would one more star player make me shred my season tickets?

2. Charcoal fluid? Do you mean "lighter fluid?" "Charcoal fluid" sounds like something that you spray on something else to make it smell like charcoal. (Which I call: Axe Body Spray.) (Boom! Take that, Axe Body Spray!)

3. The phrase "...delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list" is the textbook definition of an adult writing about something "the kids" do when they don't really understand what that thing is. This isn't a question so much as an exhortation: please, people who don't really understand the internet – stop trying to use internet lingo. If you don't, I will text message your MySpace vlog and lol cats to the bit torrent meme!

If I ever see Jeter's name attached to the hip of performance enhancers, I'm done. I mean it — I'll never watch another big league game again.

Just, hang on a second there, sparky. Really? Really. If Derek Jeter did steroids, you would never watch another baseball game again. Ever. Not this year, not next year, never. Wojo is WoDone with WoBall, if Derek Jeter has done steroids. When everyone else, in every sport, has done steroids.

I call bullshit on this, frankly, because: although I personally hate steroids, and all they have done to tarnish the game I love, a pretty fucking hefty amount of famous and popular players have done steroids, and Wojo, like the rest of us, is still watching baseball. Because it's baseball, and baseball is awesome, even if every single player worth a damn since 1992 has been jamming llama testicle suppositories up his butt to make himself run faster. It's baseball. It's fun. Baseball!!!!!!

Also, grammar quiz: what kind of insane literary device is the phrase "attached to the hip of performance enhancers?" a) Metonymy b) vernacular idiom c) utter nonsense d) Grumbletorp-noun phrase?

The answer is e) bad.

Because if Captain Pinstripes could do the Vitamin S deed, then anybody can.

Bad news, Wojo. Anybody can, and most of them did. And for the record, "Captain Pinstripes" is the name you should use to make fun of Jeter, and his bulletproof reputation in the national news media. It really sounds like you're making fun of him, when you call him Captain Pinstripes. It's like calling him Calm Eyes McGee.

Also, metaphor quiz: what kind of writing is "do the Vitamin S deed?" (a) good (b) cool (c) awesome (d) funny? The answer is: (e) no.

Jeter's name is where I draw the line in the PED sand. He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing.

Me too, for the record, since he has been pretty statistically consistent (yeah, I used "consistent" – deal with it) in his career, he's not a big power guy, and his head hasn't ballooned outward like a giant loaf of baking bread. And, he admittedly seems like a good dude who has his priorities in the correct order. But you probably have another reason for thinking this...

It seems so, well, beneath him.

Oh – right. Derek Jeter exists on a higher spiritual, moral, and dare I even say yes I think I do dare say physical plane than the rest of humanity. Derek Jeter's face is carved into the side of Egyptian sarcophagi that predate him by thousands of years. Derek Jeter floats eleven inches off the ground. Derek Jeter's urine is legal tender currency in Asia.

That is also a good explanation.

He is the one player who I actually think would walk away from the game if he thought he had to cheat to compete.

The one player? Tell that to Randy Velarde!

Bonds, who didn't need to cheat but did anyway, was undone by an ego the size of Alcatraz.

Is that big? I honestly don't know whether Alcatraz is a big or small prison. Which brings me to my next point: why use a defunct prison as the b-side in a hyperbolic metaphor? Just because Bonds played in San Francisco? Jeff Kent had a temper as hot as the roof of the TransAmerica Pyramid. Chase Utley's swing is a cheesesteak of perfection^[1]. Feliz Hernandez is Microsoft Office.

^[1]"Chase Utley's swing is a cheesesteak of perfection" is a registered Food Metaphor Trademark of FireJoeMorgan.com, Inc., LLC. No reproduction, retransmission, or other use of the Food Metaphor "Chase Utley's swing is a cheesesteak of perfection" is allowed without the express written consent of FireJoeMorgan.com Inc., LLC, and its parent companies: Fremulon Ins., Inc., Raytheon, General Dynamics, Boeing, Halliburton, AIG, and the Peoples' National Bank and Trust of Kaesong. All rights reserved.]

Clemens, the pathological liar who tries to intimidate people into believing his gum-wrapper-thin explanations, cheated because he was "The Rocket" and you're not.

Also, money, maybe, was a factor.

Not Jeter. I can see him marrying Mariah Carey before I see him squirming in front of a Congressional hearing with the lawyered-up Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. I can see him in a Boston Red Sox uni before I see him smirking his way through PED revelations like Manny Ramirez did in Los Angeles.

Not Jeter. No way. Here are some words I would use to describe Jeter: I would say his most admirable legacy is his respect for the game. I would also say that his career has attained mythic status. And I would definitely say that someday, Jeter will leave the game the way he played it – with class.

Oh – hang on. Sorry. Those are all things that Sports Illustrated said about Mark McGwire when he retired. Because at the time, it seemed like they were true. Then, later, it turned out that they were wrong, because Mark McGwire was eating camel pancreas and drinking tapir prostate extract and rubbing Bald Eagle semen on his gums and basically cheating the whole time.

Nobody in baseball definitely didn't do steroids. It doesn't mean everyone did. It just means nobody definitely didn't. It's their bed – they have to lie in it.

Now, again, I personally don't think Jeter is using, or has ever used, PEDs. But let's just cool it with the hagiography, okay? As the saying goes, "When you write a hagiography of a baseball player, you make a hagio out of graph and y." (That is nonsense.)

Also, I like that Jeter's pedestal is so high, the worst fate Wojo can imagine befalling him is marrying Mariah Carey, who is pretty effing hot and also rich and famous.

I'm not a Yankees honk. In fact, I want to scrape my ears with a steel-haired barbecue grill brush every time I hear play-by-play man John Sterling do that grating, "Thhhhhhhhhhhhe Yankees win!'' thing.

Me too! All is forgiven. I take it all back. This article is awesome.

But how can you not admire the way Jeter treats his craft? He is the template for baseball professionalism.

No he's not. He's about the same amount of "professional" as about 300 other guys. He's just more famous. If Jeter had played for the Brewers his entire career, he'd be Robin Yount. Still great, still in the Hall of Fame, but not slobbered over. (And, I am going to point out for the millionth time, Jeter didn't exactly come to ARod's defense when he was getting booed while in a slump a few years ago – and that was after he had come to Giambi's defense in a very similar situation.)

That's why I'd need a year's worth of Dr. Oz therapy sessions if it turns out Jeter did the steroids deed. And I'm not the only one.

1. Yes you are the only one. Dr. Oz is a cardiac surgeon and anti-aging specialist who goes on Oprah a lot. It is unclear to me how he could help you. Are you saying you would have a heart attack? Or that you would need botox? Or something?

2. Stop saying "did the [steroids] deed."

Yankees fans would go into permanent mourning if Jeter betrayed them. A-Rod's steroids admission they could handle; he was a free-agent import. Jeter, though, was born and raised by the organization. You think Yankees and you think Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, Munson, Reggie and Jeter.

For the record, Babe Ruth was not "born and raised" by the Yankee Organization either, obviously. Roger Maris was signed by Cleveland and also played with KC before joining the Yankees in 1960. Reggie Jackson played for the Yankees for five seasons, and with other teams for sixteen seasons. But whatever. They're all True Yankees.

Here's the thing, you guys. The Yankees are just better than other players. That's the deal. They're better. They're better. Just accept it. There should be two Halls of Fame, I think. One for human players who excel at baseball, and one for Yankees. And maybe a third for True Yankees Who Knew How To Win. Paul O'Neill, Tino, Brosius, Chad Curtis, Ramiro Mendoza, Jeter, Rivera, Girardi, Posada, Pettitte, Bernie, Wells, Cone, and that's fucking it. (And somehow Don Mattingly, even though he won exactly nothing, but fuck you, he was a winner.) They would be housed in a separate building, and admission would be $10,000. They would have gold-plated plaques, and visitors would have to take off their shoes out of respect for the True Yankees and would also have to view the plaques through special like astronomy glasses so as to avoid their retinas being burned out by the sheer beauty of the True Yankees' memorialized visages. And offerings could be made, maybe – that would be nice. Slaughtered goats and sprinkled holy water and incense could be burned in front of fucking Paul O'Neill's fucking plaque because he so totally Knew How To Win and was Such a True Warrior and True Yankee that it seems like the least anyone could do when given the monumental once-in-a-lifetime fucking chance to be in a True Yankee's plaque-i-fied presence for like 30 seconds, and maybe see the remnants of a water cooler he smashed to bits after striking out looking in the third inning of a 5-2 win over the Royals in early June because he is such a True Warrior even though someone else on another team who does that is a Punk and a Hot Head, is avert one's eyes and slaughter a goat or something out of Respect for the Greatest Fucking Humans Who Ever Walked The Fucking Earth.

Whatever. One man's opinion.

It's unclear why I just went off on Paul O'Neill, who has nothing to do with this article at all. Oh well. I really should get my delete key fixed.

Can you imagine if Albert Pujols, the man who eventually replaced McGwire at first base, was a syringe enthusiast?

Yeah, I can. Super easily. You know why? He exhibits the #1 correlative behavior: he plays baseball. Everyone who plays baseball, it turns out, might have done steroids.

City officials would have to set up a baseball suicide prevention clinic at Busch Stadium. Cards fans adore Pujols.

I adore Pujols. But that doesn't mean he definitely never did steroids.

A Jeter steroids admission would be the deal-breaker for me.

Develop premise for article. Repeat premise. Goto 10.

Pujols, too. If those guys went pharmaceutical, I couldn't go to a big league game if Bud Selig paid me.

Yes you would. This is insane. Yes you absolutely would, whether or not the commissioner of the sport paid for your tickets. You would, because you like baseball. Don't be that douche who said "If George Bush is elected I'm moving to Canada!" and then didn't move to Canada.

Who would it be for you?

Ken Griffey, Jr.? If The Kid did it, I'm gone.

No you're not.

Chipper Jones? The same.

No. Dude, no.

Mariano Rivera? I'd think about it.

No you wouldn't.

Joe Mauer? The sound of weeping followed by my baseball resignation letter.

The sound of you going about your normal life followed by you watching baseball.

Jim Thome? Baseball's nicest guy wouldn't do that to us, would he?

Possibly. And he wouldn't have been doing it "to you." He would have been doing it to be better at baseball and make a ton of money.

Tim Lincecum? Sadness if The Freak was a fake.

Sadness, sure. As well as continued baseball watching.

Trevor Hoffman? Hells bells, please not Hoffman.

Trevor Hoffman doing steroids wouldn't even be the main article on ESPN.com.

Yuniesky Betancourt? I'd Yunies-keep going and never look back!!!!

I'm just kidding. He didn't write that. The last one was David Wright.

So far the game has survived the depressing revelations. It sort of coagulates, scabs up and then heals as best as it can.

But there could come a time when the PED damage reaches a tipping point. For me, the magic number is 2.

The number of minutes it took you to write this article? The number of people who agree with you? The number on a scale of 1-10 of how surprising it would be if any baseball star were revealed to be a steroids user?

Jeter's jersey number.

Wojo out.

He seems like he's probably a pretty solid guy all-around (talking about Jesus, but it applies to Jeter too). He's engaged to Minka Kelly (again, Jesus). The point is, sportswriters love Captain Intangibles like North Koreans love birthday cake (this is a new racist stereotype I'm trying to start, pass it around). He's a "throwback." He "plays the game the right way." He "ingests petroleum waste product and converts it into silky velvet fabric suitable for tailoring into handsome robes or luxurious bedding material." You've read all of these clichés before, particularly the last one.

Get ready for some more: Allen Barra of the Wall Street Journal is a sportswriter, and he thinks Derek Jeter should win the MVP despite the pesky fact that Joe Mauer is a better candidate. Why? Staple your pants to your legs, because otherwise they might fly off due to your outrage and surprise:

The Case for Derek Jeter, MVP

In the movie industry, many recipients get an Oscar years after they really deserve one, and often as a kind of lifetime achievement award.

In the music industry, Grammy voters honor musical acts that don't even belong to the category in which they're nominated (Jethro Tull, Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance, 1989). Therefore, LPGA golfer Se Ri Pak should win the AL MVP this year. In the television industry, Entourage's Kevin Dillon has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor for 17 years in a row. Therefore, Kevin Dillon should win the AL MVP this year.

Paul Newman, for instance, took one home in 1987 for his performance in "The Color of Money," and Martin Scorsese in 2007 for directing "The Departed." Both could just as easily have been given the Academy Award several times earlier in their careers. Baseball's Most Valuable Player awards are no different...

Read that again: "Baseball's Most Valuable Player awards are no different." Really? The MVP award is no different from the Oscar race? Not one difference? Tilda Swinton is exactly analogous to Mark Teixeira? The sound editing in Master and Commander is 100% the same as Miguel Cabrera?

Okay, that's a bit of a willful misreading of Barra's meaning. I hope. But you can't set up a comparison between two different contests and then use one contest's shitty, flawed reasoning to justify the shitty, flawed reasoning in the other. I mean, you can. But you shouldn't, unless you want to be a terrible, terrible human being. Is that what you want to be? Fine. Go ahead. Do it. No, I understand. Do it.

...and the New York Yankees' Derek Jeter might well wind up as baseball's Paul Newman for the 2009 season.

But with dreamier eyes. ***SWOON-BONER-SWOON!!!***

The Yankees currently have the best record in the major leagues, and many observers think the primary reason is Mr. Jeter, who, at age 35, has rebounded from a subpar 2008 season to one of his best years ever.

Hey, I'm an observer. Here are my reasons the Yankees currently have the best record in the major leagues:

Reasons 1 through 201,448,189: The number of dollars in their 2009 payroll. Currently $65+ million more than the next team, the Mets.

Reason 201,448,190: Mark Teixeira. .918 OPS. (Using OPS as a quick and dirty stat 'cause a lot of you understand the scale.) 33 HR.

Reason 201,448,191: Alex Rodriguez. .912 OPS. 24 HR.

Reason 201,448,192: Jorge Posada. .899 OPS. At age 38! As a catcher! 20 HR!

Reason 201,448,193: Johnny Damon. .886 OPS. 24 HR.

Reason 201,448,194: Robinson Cano. .879 OPS. 23 HR.

Reason 201,448,195: Hideki Matsui. .862 OPS. 23 HR.

Reason 201,448,196: Nick Swisher. (NICK SWISHER!!!!) .851 OPS. 23 HR.

And also Jeter. Jeter's probably been the most valuable guy of the bunch, but this lineup is absolutely loaded. As of the writing of this sentence, September 6, 2009, 6:41 pm Pacific Time, there are seven Yankees with .850+ OPSes and at least 20 HR. And Jeter's not even one of them!

Let's not forget the addition of C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett. Or the undead genius of Mariano Rivera, who has a 64/10 K:BB ratio at the age of 300. The point is, the Yankees have the best record in baseball. The Yankees are the best team in baseball. But how much extra credit should Jeter get for that?

He's done it against all expectations-no team with a 35-year-old starting shortstop has won a World Series since the Yankees with Phil Rizzuto in 1953.

Yeah, but...but...the seven other guys mashing the living shit out of the ball. And the 900-odd millions of dollars of starting pitcher meat added in the off-season. Derek Jeter isn't exactly a hero for going to war with these guys.

Mr. Jeter has been batting at or around .330 since spring, and-with about 30 games still to play-he has hit more home runs than in any season since 2005.

And Jason Bartlett is hitting .334 and has a higher slugging percentage than Jeter and more steals and the same OBP and that's why you see all these articles about Jason Bartlett for MVP. Right? Right???

Twelve of Jeter's 17 home runs have come in the matchbox-sized toolshed that is the new Yankee Stadium, by the way. And his OPS is 68 points higher at home. Just saying.

He is running the bases as he did years ago, with a stolen-base success rate of more than 80%. His critics have always focused on his fielding, where by most objective yardsticks he has ranked as mediocre or worse. But this year, according to John Dewan, author of "The Fielding Bible," "Derek Jeter is having the best year defensively since I began tracking him with defensive metrics in 2003."

Good to know. Keep in mind, of course, that "the best defense of Derek Jeter's life" ranks somewhere in between "the best fiscal responsibility of Mike Tyson's life" and "the best not-getting-assassinated-ness of James Garfield's life."

No one would argue that Mr. Jeter's statistics are better than those of Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer...

End of article. Right? Right?? Right??? No. Not right.

...the current favorite in the MVP sweepstakes, who is leading the American League in batting (around .370), on-base percentage and slugging average.

And VORP and WARP3 and EqA and well, gosh. Leading in everything. INCLUDING AMOUNT OF DESERVEDNESS OF WINNING THE MVP AWARD.

For that matter, there are several players, particularly Detroit's Miguel Cabrera, who are outhitting Mr. Jeter in batting average and have better power numbers.

There sure are. Jeter is 30th in the AL in slugging. He's being outslugged by Shin-Soo Choo, Luke Scott, J.D. Drew, Juan Rivera, Michael Cuddyer, Michael Young, Jason Kubel, and six other guys in his own lineup. Joe Mauer is being outslugged by no one. He's first in slugging. Number one. He's also first in OBP.

The case for Mr. Jeter as American League MVP is being made by more subjective arguments.

Your subjective arguments interest me greatly, Mr. Barra. Subjectivity is the cornerstone of some of my favorite disciplines, including:

Astrology

Feng shui

Tarot card reading

Phrenology

Dowsing

Cryptozoology

Palm reading

Biorhythms

Crystal healing

Urine therapy

Dianetics

"How do you measure the value of inspiration and professionalism?" asks Marty Appel, author of "Munson: The Life and Death of a Yankee Captain."

With…um…a…an inspirationamometer and a professionalismfantasmatron! With these two scientifically accurate and mathematically precise instruments, we can readily measure that Derek Jeter is 3.6 times as inspirational and a whopping 14.9837482348920011070110010001001 times more professional than that shiftless sluggard Joseph P. Mauer!

Why, Mauer hardly registers a 9 x 10-19 on the professionalismfantasmatron! And people were suggesting we give HIM the MVP?! The nerve!

"Some people will argue that intangibles don't exist, but in the ninth inning of close games everybody believes in them."

This is actually correct. Whenever the ninth inning of a close major baseball game rolls around, everybody — everybody — millet farmers in Zambia, metallurgists in Taiwan, notaries public in Lithuania — spontaneously let intangibles into their hearts and worship once again at the altar of Captain Intangibles, Derek Sanderson Jeter. I believe this is the premise of the new ABC show "Flash Forward."

Thurman Munson's and Mr. Jeter's personalities were different; Munson was surly and pugnacious, while Mr. Jeter still projects the image of boyish enthusiasm he had as a rookie in 1995. But, says Mr. Appel, the two share one important characteristic: "They both lead by example and performance. They helped make their teams better just by being there. No one ever slacked off with either of those guys on the field."

Except the time that Nick Swisher spent the entire 7th inning of a game against the Rays playing with a Bernese Mountain Dog in right field. Remember that? That was crazy. Why didn't people make a bigger deal out of that? He wasn't even wearing a uniform or a glove! He was wearing cargo shorts and a fishing hat and all he did was keep throwing a frisbee to that goddamn dog.

Anyway, I'm sure the "reverse slack-off effect" that Jeter has on layabouts like Jorge Posada and Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez is way more valuable to his team than the 160 points of OPS Mauer has on him. 160 points is roughly the gap between Jeter and Ryan Theriot.

To which Mike Ozanian of Forbes.com

I call bullshit. That is not a real person.

adds: "Jeter has been the anchor on a team that could have been derailed by injuries to key players like Alex Rodriguez. Winning has to count for something."

Anchoring has to count for something. It's a thing we made up to make Jeter sound good. Let's just give him 10 more HR for anchoring — we can do that, right? I'm sure he inspired his no-talent teammates to hit at least 10 more bombs through sheer anchoriffiscosity.

Winning and consistency have been Mr. Jeter's trademarks throughout his 14 seasons as a Yankee starter. He's been the linchpin for six pennant and four World Series winners. The Yankees have been the winningest team in baseball since he was given the shortstop's job, and are the odds-on favorites to go all the way this year. He has more hits than any shortstop ever, having passed Luis Aparicio a few weeks ago, and he will soon pass Lou Gehrig on the all-time Yankees hit list.

Barra makes some great, great points here. The Yankees won the World Series in 1996. We should probably reward Jeter for that. They won 114 games in 1998. Shouldn't we give Derek Jeter the MVP in 2009 because of how awesome that was? Gosh. We owe Jeter so much and we have so few ways of thanking him for his work. MVP that man!

Proposal: we give the 2009 AL MVP to Willie Mays. I know he retired in 1973 and he played all 22 seasons in the National League, but did you know he was one of the all-time greats ever to play baseball? I bet you hadn't even heard of him until you read the sentence I wrote two sentences ago. Seriously: Willie Mays for 2009 AL MVP. If we're really going to follow the Paul Newman late-in-life Oscar win model of award-giving, you absolutely cannot remove Mays from the debate.

He is on pace to threaten Pete Rose's all-time record of 4,256 career hits.

Pete Rose: 4,256 career hits.

Derek Jeter: 2,718 career hits.

4,256 - 2,718 = 1,538 more hits to go.

Derek Jeter is 35 years old. Assuming that age has absolutely no effect on his performance (always a safe assumption), he would have to continue his pace of approximately 194 hits a year for 8 more years to match Pete Rose. Which means at age 43, he would have to be shattering the record for hits by a 43-year-old (currently held by Carlton Fisk, with 111 hits). And he would have already broken the record for hits by a 42-year-old (Luke Appling, 148) and a 41-year-old (Pete Rose, 172).

Anyway, I'm pretty sure "vaguely, potentially, possibly having a scintilla of a chance of getting within shouting distance of Pete Rose's hit record within the next ten years" is the number two criterion on the ballot for MVP voting. I haven't read it in a while, but I would bet a ham sandwich on it.

And yet Mr. Jeter has never been voted the MVP. In 1999, most baseball analysts thought that the Yankee, who batted .349 with 24 home runs and a league-leading 219 hits, was the best player. But sportswriters chose Texas catcher Ivan Rodriguez. In 2006, the analysts again favored Mr. Jeter, who batted .343 and stole 34 bases, but the writers went with Minnesota first baseman Justin Morneau.

[Kennedy voice] And the only way we can right these wrongs is by committing...another...wrong! [/Kennedy voice]

(raucous applause, women fainting)

"I think there's always been a bit of resentment toward Derek outside of New York, where he is worshipped," says Dave Fleming of Bill James Online. "There's an assumption that New York players have an unfair advantage when it comes to MVP voting, but in the case of Jeter and other New York ballplayers like the Mets' Carlos Beltran, I think you might say there's a counterargument: namely, that to play in New York might cost you votes."

There's always been a bit of resentment toward handsome guys, who always seem to do well with women. But you might say there's a counterargument: handsome guys don't do well with women. Oh wait. There is one tiny thing that's wrong about that: it's completely idiotic.

So, if Mr. Jeter does slip by Mr. Mauer for this year's award, who's to say it isn't fair after all?

Logic, reason, objectivity, empirical evidence, and 400 years of the Francis Baconian scientific method that characterizes rational thought in modern human society.

And who's to say Paul Newman didn't deserve that Academy Award in 1987?

William Hurt, James Woods, Bob Hoskins, and Dexter Gordon. Completely coincidentally, the five of us chatted long into the night over glasses of Calvados about a week and a half ago. Let's just say the wounds haven't healed.

Still, there is a question as to whether the MVP award really means all that much to Derek Jeter. As he put it on Aug. 23 after the Yankees beat the Red Sox-a victory that Mr. Jeter paced by hitting a home run on the game's first pitch off Boston ace Josh Beckett-"I'm not thinking about winning any awards right now. The only award that matters is that fifth World Series ring."

Joe Mauer, meanwhile, issued a different statement to the press after going 2-4 with a walk against the Cleveland Indians. "Fuck the World Series," said Mauer. "Seriously. Write that down. Fuck the World Series. If I ever win a World Series ring, I will literally just take it and fuck the tiny ring-hole." Mauer punctuated his remarks with a graphic, thrusting pantomime, presumably of what he would physically do to the World Series ring. Mauer added: "I don't give a flying goddamn about winning. I am an awards guy. I'm Joe Fucking Mauer. I only care about individual honors. How many times do I have to tell you guys that? Mauer out, fuckfaces!" Mauer then urinated on a picture of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett holding hands and stormed out of the clubhouse whistling a pro-al Qaeda anthem that he wrote himself earlier in the day.

•What kind of Cinderella story ends on a Wednesday? Melanie Oudin's, apparently. But no worries. She lost to Caroline Wozniacki, who's cute and legal.

•In other Oudin news, did she look a little distracted last night? It might be because an affair between her tennis coach and her mother broke up her parents' marriage.

•For every tackle of Michael Vick, a Philadelphia animal rescue will donate 5 bags of dog food to a shelter in the opposing city. Perhaps not helping the cause of fighting animal cruelty, 5 bags of dog food exactly equals one losing racehorse.

•Derek Jeter ties Lou Gehrig atop the Yankee hit list at 2,721. Now all he needs is to get one more hit and/or live past 37.

•Swine flu decimates Ole Miss, sidelining 27 players. Initial suspicion has settled on coach Houston Nutt, known for spending time among Razorbacks.

•US Soccer pulls out a much needed win in World Cup qualifying. And if you deny that CONCACAF is trying to make the Yanks lose, how do you explain scheduling them against Trinidad AND Tobago?

•Like chicken wings? Not anymore you won't:

Lots of smart people have made the case for Mauer, and to them I'll add that, as late as Aug. 18, Mauer's batting average was higher than Teixeira's on-base percentage (and today it's still above Morales' OBP). If VORP is your thing, the distance between Mauer and Jeter is roughly the same as the distance between Jeter and Marco Scutaro, and Mauer missed all of April. He is so self-evidently the MVP, even by the discredited standards of the old school, that the fact there is even a question makes you wonder if the awards discussion is not so much a proxy war between the statheads and the deadline poets as it is an argument between people who are paying attention and those who are trying to make a tee time.

The latest entry in the genre is Allen Barra's brief on behalf of Jeter, whose resurgence is at least partly due to his playing in a stadium with the rough dimensions of a rice cooker. You can probably recite the argument by heart:

The case for Mr. Jeter as American League MVP is being made by more subjective arguments. "How do you measure the value of inspiration and professionalism?" asks Marty Appel, author of "Munson: The Life and Death of a Yankee Captain." "Some people will ­argue that intangibles don't ­exist, but in the ninth inning of close games everybody believes in them."

Thurman Munson's and Mr. Jeter's personalities were different; Munson was surly and pugnacious, while Mr. Jeter still projects the image of boyish enthusiasm he had as a rookie in 1995. But, says Mr. Appel, the two share one ­important characteristic: "They both lead by example and performance. They helped make their teams better just by being there. No one ever slacked off with either of those guys on the field." To which Mike ­Ozanian of Forbes.com adds: "Jeter has been the ­anchor on a team that could have been ­derailed by injuries to key players like Alex ­Rodriguez. Winning has to count for something."

The campaign for Teixeira was inevitable. He has driven in a fat load of runs for the team with the best record in baseball, and even reasonable people think that should count for something. (It shouldn't, but whatever.) And someone was bound to bring up Morales, undeserving or not, if only because he's put up the most surprising numbers on a team that has put up a lot of them. Jeter is another matter entirely. Barra admits as much, writing, "No one would argue that Mr. Jeter's statistics are better than those of Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer." An MVP for Jeter wouldn't be an award for performance; it'd be an honorarium for Jeter's lengthy service to the sportswriting profession as a catch-basin for all its loose ideals about hustle and leadership and sportsmanship. (It'd be cousin to the vote that put Jim Rice in the Hall of Fame not because he deserved it but because he could be turned into a living PSA about steroids.)

Baseball is full of unworthy MVPs — Jimmy Rollins and Justin Morneau come readily to mind. But at least for them, people had the better sense to make specious arguments on faulty statistical grounds rather than specious arguments on matters of character. Jeter's MVP would be a case of the mythmakers congratulating themselves on the quality of their myth, of sportswriters swallowing their own line of arrant bullshit.

The Case for Derek Jeter, MVP [Wall Street Journal]
RandBall: Jeter as AL MVP over Mauer? [Star Tribune]

Rice explained that the All-Star chumps you see today, can't compare to genuine American heroes of Jim Rice's day. They didn't have the rock and roll and the drugs back then, so their old timey brand of baseball was pure and good. Unlike the kind you see from that hippie Derek Jeter.

Guys that I played against and with, these guys you're talking about cannot compare ... We didn't have the baggy uniforms. We didn't have the dreadlocks," Rice said. "It was a clean game, and now they're setting a bad example for the young guys." [...]

Flexing the muscles in his right arm, Rice said, "That's all the steroids you need. ... It's called God-given talent."

So remember kids—say your prayers and eat your vitamins and you too can wait 15 years to get into the Hall of Fame on a sympathy vote. Then you can badmouth the existing generation of baseball players all you like.

Hall of Famer Rice takes big leaguers to task [AP/USA Today]

Most of last night's episode about the life of "Baseball Wives"—who may be true, but are not from Hollywood—could have easily been cut and pasted into a Lifetime Original. It was a perfectly non-confrontational look at the life of someone married to a professional athlete. There was talk of meet cutes, adorable proposal stories, cuddly kids, and rousing on-the-field successes. Plus, there was the tear-jerking dark times. Drugs. Kids with head diseases. They even discussed David Eckstein without using the word "gritty." Then things took an ugly turn, when some dude decided to spill the beans about players' "extra curricular" travel activities.

Nice job, narc. Not that Heidi Hamels or Jennie Daigle (neé Finch) have to worry about that. Even Laura Posada is the type of lady whose man always comes home on time. But when Derek Jeter is your husband's designated wingman, anything is possible.

Joe Girardi and Derek Jeter, with tears streaming from their blotchy red eyes, remembered painful days of their youths yesterday when Yankee Stadium accidentally hired the guys who were supposed to be working the summer league game next door. Problem was, though, that no one informed the players — silly Mr. Steinbrenner — and they naturally assumed they were dealing with professionals.

When Jeter stole third base in the first inning and got in under the tag, he expected to remain there. Because he was safe, you see. But, umpire Marty Foster told Jeter, the ball had beat him to the base, so the tag wasn't necessary. Yer out! Jeter argued. Girardi argued. The skipper was tossed by Foster, even though Jeter had beaten him there.

"Getting the play right is one thing," said umpire crew chief John Hirschbeck. "But how you handle it and what you say is equally important. It used to be if the ball beat you to the bag, you're out. But it's not like that anymore with all the cameras and replays. You have to make a good tag. You can't just lay your glove down in front of the base."

That's not what they told Foster, who continued to umpire the game, collected his $50 and escaped to the car before angry parents could accost him for his egregious error — not the erroneous call, but the rationale. Every umpire makes mistakes. Some are worse than others, but in the first inning of a July game, the sting of the brainfart would have proven fleeting. Foster's folly, rather, was his juvenile excuse.

All he had to do was tell the truth. My bad, Jeet, get you next time, when you swipe that phantom tag in the ninth inning. Make up a dirty lie. I don't care what you felt, he tagged you, so get back to the dugout. Try to distract him. Hey, who's that sitting next to Kate Hudson in the front row?

That, sir, is a Little League softball coach. You'll be seeing more of her type soon.

Umpire told Jeter he didn't need to be tagged out [Star-Ledger]
Jeter's running error leaves him at odds with Girardi [Daily News]

The long rain delay at last night's Yankees game left enough time for the YES network to show the pre-game national anthem, where one lucky local softball team stood with rapt attention next to some of their heroes. Melky Cabrera appears to be more annoyed by the whole spectacle than Jeter does.

And this girl just can't stop smiling. The one on the right.

H/T: Fackyouk

*****

Good morning. It's Wednesday. Flick it.