Best shortstop at making outs? The World Champions' Jimmy Rollins. The worst? Jeter, of course. And the Yankee captain was not only ranked 22nd on the shortstop list, one grouchy voter actually called him "the least effective defensive player in the major leagues at any position." Harsh.

Jeter did not comment on this story, most likely because he was too busy frolicking around some secluded beach with Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly.

'Worst' Fielder in Majors [NY Post]

Depending on Jeter's next conquest, he's entering the rarified air of such cooze-hounding heavyweights like Robert Evans, Kelly Slater, and Scott Baio. (Oh, and Bo Belinsky.)

Let's gaze longingly and agogingly (author's note: not a real word) at Jeter's bodycount:

• Scarlett Johansson
• Gabrielle Union
• Mariah Carey
• Jessica Biel
• Vanessa Minillo
• Jessica Alba

Jesus.

Derek Jeter: American Hero [Russakof Rules] (via)(via)
Photo: NY Post

Should we have been mocking Jeter like that, considering all the grief he took from Johnny Lawrence and the Cobra Kai karate dojo?

Derek Jeter Takes Care Of His Ladies [Deadspin]

It appears that Jeter had a late night, three-human tryst in Miami over the weekend, but forgot to pay the ladies' parking fees.

Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday morning spotted "two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking. The girls were wearing what looked like the same clothes they wore the night before - a tight cocktail dress and a mini-skirt. They were making a huge scene because they were asked to pay for parking.

"Obviously, they'd spent the night there," giggled the onlooker, who noted that one of the overnight guests was screaming into the phone, "After last night, he'd better [bleep]ing take care of it!"

Frankly, we're rather surprised Jeter doesn't have some sort of deal in place already; if the Shore Club doesn't already have a two-for-one special, they're clearly negligent.

Sleep With Jeter, Park Free [New York Post]

There's something about guys dressing in drag that, for whatever reason, is frowned upon. Oscar De La Hoya could've easily played his kinky fishnet outfit off as a mere lark: he's just a puppy-faced fellow, who after a flight of tequila shots, has no problem dressing up in a giant hairnet and heels. No big deal, really. Everyone's done it before. Sometimes, even the most virile of men cannot resist the temptation to squeeze into something spicy.

The difference between Oscar De La Hoya and most other recreational transsexuals is that they don't deny it. If it's an isolated incident, it's something that's laughed about later and forgotten about quickly. But, De La Hoya's staunch denial about the incident, plus all of those rumored intimidating phone calls to the dim-witted Scores dancer who gave the photos up and the legal threats, suggest that he's hiding a very, very dark secret.

This is where it gets interesting. We all know athletes become much more appealing if they have a little stink on them. Beneath all of that skill, money, fame, it's nice to know there runs a current of torment, a greasy underbelly that has to be concealed for presentation purposes.

There are so many who fit the profile.

So this week, I'm polishing up my ben-wah balls, purchasing a one way ticket to Taiwan and the Mets fucking suck.

Line drive hit to left field...here comes Iguchi!

Peyton Manning, Into Animal Fisting: 2/1

He had his Wayne Brady moment on "Saturday Night Live" and showed the world he's not just a cannon-armed bumpkin with a corporate price tag on his back. No, he's a self-deprecating regular guy. He can make fun of himself and mock his altar boy image. That's what makes him human. But what keeps him sane is the drop-to-your-knees adrenaline rush one gets inserting a clenched fist inside the wanting anal cavity of a four-legged friend. Be it a bucking horse, a baby calf, a small housecat, or, one time, an unsuspecting howler monkey, Peyton does not discriminate. If there's an opening, he's going in. Cut that meat, indeed.

Derek Jeter, Huge Partial Unbirthing Enthusiast: 3/1

Derek Jeter, for all his potato-faced handsomeness, has always had an odd head of hair. What happens if it ever grows out? Is it Hebrew nap, or brother fro? Or is it worse, like a raging case of the dreaded noggin pube? However, the reason Derek keeps his hair so awkwardly trimmed is not out of vanity, but sexual proclivity. You see, DJ is part of a small minority of men who can only reach climax if his head his completely inserted into a woman's vagina. (Partial unbirthing, for those who have yet to Google.) This is also why it's tough for Jeter to keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Even though he's courted many a starlet, most have quickly ended the relationship after the Yankee shortstop came to bed wearing an oily swim cap. The only one he was successfully "unbirthed" has been Mariah Carey, who was very enthusiastic about it — she even invited conjoined twins into the bedroom with them. Derek wasn't into that, so he quickly split. Needless to say, Mariah's eventual vaginal rejuvenation surgery will cost millions.

Matt Holiday, Red Wing Commander: 2/1

The Rockies' torrid playoff run right now is bringing a lot of attention to a team that's lived in relative obscurity since its inception. But after next week, the whole world could be introduced to the Triple Crown-potential of outfielder Matt Holiday. And if there are any ladies lucky enough to be menstruating during that time, well, they could meet Mr. Holiday in a whole new way. Although he's married, it's told that Matt takes out some of his player aggression in the bedroom, executing a myriad of period-friendly sexcapades to placate his constant yearning for the calming warmth of a blood-caked lady flower. And, If some gals play their cards right, they could even get a chance to have Matt execute his patented "Snoopy Snow Cone Machine" on them. Their odds will increase if they already have a mouthful of crushed ice to greet him.

Annika Sorenstam, Eproctophiliac: 1/1

Though she's a darling on the golf course, she's a demon in the bedroom — especially when she gets a face full of flatulence. Sorenstam realized her fetish at a young age, being deflowered by an older man with untreatable digestive problems. Never able to repeat the orgasms she had with her wind-blasting lover, Otto, she quickly realized that she can manufacture them by having her male partner spread his cheeks and beef in her mouth during foreplay. Sorenstam was almost exposed during a the 2003 Master's when her caddie found some of her Fart Hammer pornography collection in her golf bag. The caddie was substantially paid off to keep quiet, but there's more money for him elsewhere if he gives up the details.

So here's that new Gatorade commercial starring Derek Jeter, John Lackey and the shriveling, dying vessel that once contained Harvey Keitel. We applaud the somewhat innovative ad, but, frankly, we would have enjoyed it much more if, upon spotting Jeter, Keitel had recreated his character from Bad Lieutenant.

Harvey Keitel Scares Me, Sells Gatorade [metroville]

Topps actually printed it this way, and according to Sports Collectors Daily, has no plans to correct it. Making the card virtually worthless. Also, judging from Mantle's pose, we'd say he's in the hole, which means he's batting ... fifth? What? Come on, Torre, you're batting him behind Posada?

Mantle Active Again On 2007 Topps Jeter Card [Sports Collectors Daily, via Fark.com]

Listen son, I know that you were hoping that Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter would someday get back together, so that you and your favorite players would be a family again. But it's just not going to happen. Sometimes, people just grow apart, and there's nothing you can do about it. But both Alex and Derek still love you very much.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, it was mostly your fault.

From USA Today:

On the first day of his fourth season with the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez finally acknowledged his relationship with Derek Jeter has cooled. After insisting for three years that they remained close, Rodriguez said it was "important" to him to publicly confirm what others have said since he joined the team.

"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us," Rodriguez said. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."

It's kind of like that episode where Bart and Milhouse break up, isn't it? Well, A-Rod's new best friend is the New York press, it seems. Although Vecsey tends to hog the Playstation.

A-Rod Admits Friendship With Jeter Has Cooled [USA Today]

(By the way, Jeter would like to say he sees no rift. And on we go with this.)

Darryl Strawberry thinks the Yankees' clubhouse is beset by bad chemistry that can be cured only one way: Derek Jeter needs to "embrace" Alex Rodriguez. "They've got to come together," Strawberry said Tuesday. "It's time for them to mend their relationship and get back to, like, OK, let's have some fun. ... Because I remember them when they were young and they went to dinner together and they did everything together."

We hope that these two crazy kids will indeed find a way to get together, hopefully over drinks at a dimly-lit cafe in the Village, followed by a movie (The Holiday?). And the sooner the better, so that Strawberry can move on and save other relationships, such as George Karl and Isiah Thomas. Lil' Ronnie and Reggie Wayne. Adrian McPherson and the Tennessee Titans Raccoon ...

Jeter Must Embrace A-Rod, Strawberry Says [MSNBC]

Jeter had been expected by many to win the award, which would have been his first and was probably his best chance. But Morneau, who also had to beat out teammate Joe Mauer, had the votes, thanks mostly to the vaunted Minnesota media bias.

It continues to strike us as amazingly unfair that a man like Jeter, a scrappy underdog that doesn't get much recognition, just can't get the respect he deserves. We hope that someday he'll no longer be ignored by the national media and maybe even finally garner some endorsement opportunities. Maybe a perfume, even?

Well, if your girl is partying on Jeter's boat, you're pretty much screwed, aren't you? That's really all she'd have to say. It might not be Jeter himself, but someone on that boat is going to be doing things to your girl that he'd rather not do.

"Oh, hi honey, I'm calling from Derek Jeter's boat."
"Then I don't have a chance in hell of every making you happy, do I..."
"No, not really. Seeya!"

If the girl happens to be one of the ones snuggling up to Jeter in the above picture, then I apologize, sir, for adding to your misery. But come on, it's Derek Jeter, what are you going to do? I wish him the best of luck as an Alfresco Flirt.

Hello, beautifuls! [metromix.com]

Derek Jeter has a cologne. That link there allows you to put in your email address for updates on "Driven," Jeter's new scent through Avon, and since we are obsessed with the smell of Hustle and Leadership, you can bet your purple lips that we signed up. Life Without Limits, indeed!

The press release is enough to make a man very, very happy. We'll skip Jeter's quotes about "something men would want to wear" and skip to the product description:

"The fragrance, a Fresh Fougere, is a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice. It will be housed in a sleek blue bottle with a silver cap, which will feature the fragrance name."

"Chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice." Strangely enough, this is Yankees clubhouse slang for Alex Rodriguez, Joe Torre and Sidney Ponson.

Derek Jeter's "Driven" [Avon]
Avon Teams Up With Derek Jeter to Introduce a Signature Men's Fragrance [PR Newswire]

The five players in the shot, taken back in February 1997, are Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Gonzalez, Rey Ordonez and Edgar Renteria. We imagine the poor photographer, being told he was in charge of the swimsuit shoot this year, then realizing that he had suddenly, tragically, been reassigned.

Seriously, though, how did this photo shoot start? "OK, everyone, you're the biggest, most up-and-coming shortstops in the game today, so we wanted to get a shot of all of you together. Now ... off with those shirts, people. Come on, come on, we're all adults here."

Sports Illustrated's Landmark Moment in Homoeroticism [PaulKatcher.com]

In light of the news that the government of Iran is banning athletes "with an effeminate look," we send our condolences to the Iranian national baseball team. For a while, you probably had a chance to talk A-Rod into playing for you guys. But now, man, you're not gonna get any of these guys. Sorry.

Iran Says No To Girly Sportsmen [Breitbart]
A-Rod Explores His Options (Again) [Deadspin]

1. Ah-cha-cha-cha! We made the rather brutal mistake of staying up to watch the end of the A's-Yankees game last night/this morning. Seeing the Yankees lose in the last at-bat wasn't enough to make up for our early-morning grogginess. The good news: Derek Jeter's apparent habit of showing off Jazz Hands! every time he crosses home plate. By the way, Bobby Crosby got hurt. Again.

2. Where Is Everybody?. We know the weather wasn't great in Seattle yesterday, but, uh, since when is the weather great in Seattle? The Mariners announced only 20,051 paid attendance yesterday, the second-lowest total in Safeco Field history.

3. Easy There, Lefty. Not a good day for marquee lefthanders yesterday; both Houston's Andy Pettitte and Minnesota's Johan Santana got hammered. They gave up a combined 23 hits in 10 innings to Florida and Toronto, respectively. Did you guys see that? We did a straight sports item.

4. That Didn't Take Long. Nomar Garciaparra went on the disabled list again. In other words, no real position change for him after all.

5. Welcome To Oak-town. It's a good day for underground gay porn collectors of Northern California; noted thespian Kaz Tadano was traded to the A's by the Indians. He might have been excited for a moment before realizing the guy trading for him was this Billy Beane, not this Billy Bean.

Via The Airing Of Grievances, comes this New York Post gossip item:

Could the world's hottest lingerie model really be a virgin? That's the mind-boggling claim that's landed Victoria's Secret sexpot Adriana Lima on the cover of the new GQ, which dubs her, "The World's Most Voluptuous Virgin." In a brief Q&A with writer Lisa DePaulo that accompanies some steamy beach shots of the Brazilian bombshell, Lima says, "Sex is for after marriage. [Men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me."

Lima's most famous ex: Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. Which might explain that every time he came to the plate the season he was dating Lima, he kept squeezing every bat until it shattered.

Sinfully Pure [NY Post] (via The Airing Of Grievances)

MLB Player News [Rotoworld]

That's actually from DerekJeter.com, an advertisement for Jeter's annual golf tournament, the Derek Jeter Celebrity Golf Classic. The advertisement, of course, isn't for you; last year tickets were "sold" out before anyone even got their "invites." We suggest the photo gallery from last year's event, which includes Warren Sapp eating everything in site, Michael Jordan (in a rare public photo) and Harold Reynolds ... EMCEE.

Anyway, yeah. Get your tickets ready. We bet Steinbrenner and Cashman haven't gotten their golf clubs out just yet, though; just a guess.

DerekJeter.com [Official Site]

• Jeter, in a shocking betrayal of clubhouse etiquette, says that teammate Jason Giambi is "an easy person to root for and support."
• Owner George Steinbrenner is "like his father," but "more difficult to deal with" but that he's "able to motivate himself."
• His parents love him, he loves them and sometimes he'll tell his mom in the stands — using his eyebrows — that he's going to try to hit a home run for her.

The expose runs Sunday night; your world shall be rocked like it has rarely been rocked previously.

Jeter Speaks On Giambi [CBS News]
Mike Wallace's Dogged Pursuit Of Truth [Deadspin]

. The Yankees are mad at an ad that apparently insinuates the show's cameras accompanied shortstop Derek Jeter's night on the town with a female companion.

Of course, they didn't and Yankees spokesman Rick Cerone called the effort "low-rent tabloid." ESPN said it was merely promoting a show on eligible bachelors.

Cerone told the Journal-News of White Plains, N.Y., "I've already had guys tell me, "Don't ask me to do anything for them.'"

However, we do hear that host Mario Lopez has been known to follow Jeter's rejected flames around, raising his eyebrows rapidly, saying, "You know, I was on 'Saved By The Bell.' I was!"

More Bad TV [St. Petersberg Times] (fourth item down)

That said, Barry's site is an improvement about Jeter's; we guess it's more exciting to write about not playing. In his latest "journal" "entry," Jeets tells us that playing the Red Sox is no big deal, Robinson Cano is fun to play with, the upcoming weekend should be "fun" and, our favorite, "It's too early to worry about who is in first place. It's more important how we're playing, and if we play well, things will work themselves out."

Not that we were expecting Jeter to start detailing his late nights at Marquee or anything, but you know next week he's going to tell us how he takes games one at a time and gives 110 percent, because that's all you can give.

Derek Jeter's journal [DerekJeter.com]
BarryBonds.com [Official Site]