Iverson has been relegated to bench duty since returning from a back injury that kept him out for the last month. But A.I. cannot start and stop like normal humans. He need time to get into his rhythm. He needs breathing room. And now that he sees how the other half lives, he doesn't like it one bit.

"I'm in a position now that I've never been in my whole life," Iverson told the Associated Press. "It's harder than I thought it would be. With the back injury, I have to sit out at the start, then go in, then sit again. It's tough to really get going. I take my hat off to the guys who can come off the bench and be effective. It's tough for me. I'm struggling with it."

"I'd rather retire before I do this again," he said. said. "I can't be effective playing this way. I'm not used to it. It's tough for me both mentally and physically. If I'm able to go out there, I should be able to get it done and I can't right now. It's my fault. I have to be able to overcome the adversity and do what I have to do. I just have to find a way to get it done. Not being 100 percent makes it harder, and you can see that I'm not 100 percent."

Gee, I guess someone is struggling to come to terms with the fading of youthful abilities and how it augurs the cold dark embrace of his own impending mortality. Lighten up, would ya?

Curry unfazed by Iverson rant [Detroit News]
Iverson mentions retirement [Philly Inquirer]

Of course, we're dealing with Rasheed Wallace, for whom nothing is embarrassing or extraordinary. Last night against New Orleans he was called for a technical foul—his 15th of the year—and got pulled from the game. Angry about the benching, he swatted a ball boy's towel into the stands, got called for another technical (earning an automatic ejection) and then threw another towel at his own coach! Classic 'Sheed!

Did I mention that there were about eight minutes left in the game, his team was down by two and they would end up losing by three? So not so great on the timing. The Pistons have lost eight games in a row, 17 of their last 22 and 10 of the last 12 at home, are two games below .500 and 17.5 games behind Cleveland in the Central. The Iverson trade has been underwhelming and some are wondering if they should start cutting their losses on the season now.

Here's the funny thing though—they are in second place in the division and still have the seventh spot in the playoffs! Imagine how far they could go if they were actually good.

Daily Dime: Pistons by the numbers [ESPN]
Rasheed Wallace Throws towel into the crowd and will be suspended [Need 4 Sheed]
Suicide lines: 'Sheed ejected/suspended [Ball Don't Lie]

The list of things I do not want has always led with "Photos of a shirtless Bobby Cox," but "Being mayor of Detroit" has to be in the top five. Bing, the seven-time NBA All-Star, a point guard who was named one of the league's 50 Greatest Players of all time, wants the job, however.

On Tuesday Bing won a spot in the Detroit mayoral general election by capturing 29 percent of the vote, to runnerup Ken Cockrel Jr.'s 27 percent, in a special election. The two will face off in May to replace Kwame Kilpatrick, the "Hip Hop Mayor" who resigned in Sept. The resignation was part of a plea bargain in an obstruction of justice conviction stemming from Kilpatrick's affair with one of his top aides. I take it back; Detroit sounds like fun.

The next couple of months should be very interesting, or at least better than watching the actual Pistons. Bing claims that Cockrel has been a part of some dodgy financial dealings, and Cockrel is calling Bing a carpetbagger who only recently moved to Detroit to bank on his fame.

"There are no iron gates dividing me from the people I live with and the community I live in," Cockrel said in a shot at Bing's previous home in a gated community in Franklin in Oakland County.

We should not rest until every major city in America has a former NBA All-Star as mayor.

Bing, Cockrel Will Duel To Be Detroit's Mayor [Detroit Free Press]
Bing For Mayor

For starters, McDyess isn't going anywhere. The Nuggets will buy out his contract—which under the league's convoluted salary rules somehow makes them money. Then they will waive him, he'll wait 30 days and re-sign with Detroit for less money. Samb ("as big a project that there has ever been") is headed to the D-League and may never contribute a single thing ever. So essentially, it's a straight-up trade that the Nuggets believe makes their starting lineup into an actual basketball team and saves them cash. As long as no one tells Chauncey that he's 32 years old.

The Nuggets players seemed disappointed, but coach George Karl is not. "If you look at my history, I've always had good point guards, and we've gotten away with winning (here) without an all-star caliber point guard." That's a polite way of saying, "You're no Gary Payton." Billiups isn't either, but he will pass the ball sometimes and has "always dreamed of winning a championship with the Nuggets," which is sort of like dreaming that Superman would come to your birthday party, but he was just a kid.

For the Pistons, this is a low-risk, high-reward gamble. Obviously, they're good enough to reach the conference finals, but no one believes they're going any further without some change. So they take two big contracts off the books and pray Iverson blows up for the final year of his contract, dribbles circles around Paul Pierce come playoff time, then the Knicks give him $50 million while Detroit polishes another trophy. But in the worst case scenario, they're no better off than they were last year, Iverson leaves anyway, and they start over next summer with a clean slate and more money to play with. Rasheed Wallace now has competition for craziest athlete in the building, but at the very least we'll get a few laughs out of that.

Other results from the big trade: Juwan Howard is out of a job (at least until the McDyess situation is resolved) and Woody Paige threw out his tail bone attempting to pull off a very tortured chess metaphor. Seriously, I have no idea what that guy is saying. J.R. Smith is a rook or something?

How about that hair? The most important question of all though: Will Rodney Stuckey get to keep the his No. 3 jersey? Inquiring minds want to know!

Nuggets ship A.I. to Detroit for Billups [Denver Post]
Looking into the costs of the Billups/McDyess trade... [Denver Stiffs]
Roster Analysis: Detroit Pistons Trade Billups and McDyess to Denver Nuggets for Iverson [Indignant Sports]
Bearings On My T-Shirt [Free Darko]
Photo: AP

Part salary cap move, part "we have to try something new", this is one of those deals that has the potential to shake up future playoff races in both conferences—or their respective player contributions will offset each other and both teams will end up right back where they started. Either way.

There are others infinitely more qualified than myself to discuss the X's and O's of this move, but the fact remains that even if he's on the back side of his career, the name "Allen Iverson" still perks up ears. The Pistons have been to the conference finals six years in a row, but haven't won since 2004, so adding a dynamic player like him gives fans a new reason to hope. On the other hand, Chauncey Billups is a big reason they've gone to those conference finals and he's a fan favorite. Are Pistons fans excited or angry now? Do Denver fans feel burned by the too-brief AI Experience? Will I have nightmares about Kelly Tripucka tonight? The answer to at least one of those questions has to be yes.

Pistons near deal for Allen Iverson [Detroit News]
If true, this is a good trade for both teams... [Denver Stiffs]

When last we saw them: Finished 59-23, first in the Central Division and second overall in the East. Suffered their third straight defeat in the Eastern Conference Finals, this time at the sweaty, leather-scented hands of the Boston Celtics.

Key Dubious Arrivals: Kwame Brown (OH DEAR GOD), Walter Sharpe, Will Bynum

Key Departures: Jarvis Hayes, Juan Dixon, Theo Ratliff

The Good: Despite their recent playoff disappointments, Joe Dumars did not panic and blow up the core he has so carefully constructed. For that reason, Detroit still has one of the best (if not the best) starting fives in pro basketball: Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace, Tayshaun Prince and Antonio McDyess. They also have the "Zoo Crew" (Rodney Stuckey, Jason Maxiell, Arron Afflalo and Amir Johnson) coming off the bench. So they're talented, experienced and deep. Not a bad combination, eh? Furthermore, the Pistons are one of the best defensive units in the league on a yearly basis: They were first in the NBA in points allowed last season (90.1) - which makes them one of two teams (along with the Spurs) to finish in the top three in that category during each of the last five seasons - and third in opponents field goal percentage (.437). Flip Saunders has gone the way of the parachute pants, which is good since he had worn out his welcome and certain players (coughRasheedWallacecough) never fully respected him anyway. New head coach Michael Curry seems pretty well-respected around the league. Oh, and 'Sheed - whose contact is up after this season and therefore could be due for a Contract Year Phenomenon - is always good for a few laughs.

The Bad: Their biggest offseason acquisition was Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown. Curry is a rookie head coach with only one year of experience as an assistant, and even though this is a veteran team that should be able to police themselves, it seems to me they need a strong hand to guide them and keep them in line. This is particularly true since the team has a bad habit of succumbing to hubris and presuming they can just show up and beat anybody. That sense of entitlement has hurt them, and badly, in each of the last three Eastern Conference Finals against teams (the Heat, Cavaliers and Celtics) who simply wanted it more. The core group of starters is aging, and there's a sense that their incredible run of health - Billups, Hamilton, Prince, Wallace and McDyess have all appeared in at least 70 games in each of the past four seasons - has to end some time. Also, historically speaking, teams that continually fall short in the playoffs don't usually make The Leap unless they make some dramatic change or heady signing...and Kwame Brown doesn't fit the bill in either case. Oh, and 'Sheed is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. On pretty much anybody.

Fun Facts: The franchise was founded as the Fort Wayne Zollner Pistons, and their logo was a dude made out of tin cans. (Okay, they're actually supposed to be pistons. I think. You've got to admit the picture is poorly rendered.) Before Hooper, the Pistons' mascot was Sir-Slam A-lot, who, frankly, was much cooler. (By mascot standards, anyway.) Pistons fans (that is, fans attending games at the Palace of Auburn Hills) consume about 175,000 gallons of soft drinks during a season. That's equal to the volume of 103,550 regulation size basketballs or 1,866,702 12-ounce cans of pop. Richard Hamilton is the only player in NBA history to lead his team in scoring without hitting a field goal. On January 6, 2005, Hamilton went 0-10 from the field and 14-14 from the line yet was still the team's highest scorer.

Videotastic extra: Two words: Jingle Bells.

But not everything Dumars touches turns to gold. Don't forget that he drafted Darko Milicic instead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, Chris Kaman, and Josh Howard. He also signed a one-legged Chris Webber, and we all know how that ended.

His latest move: He signed Kwame Brown. Yes, the infamous Kwame Brown. The question is: Why? On the surface, it seems ridiculous, especially for someone as universally acclaimed for his GM skills as Dumars is. After all, Brown is widely considered one of the biggest busts in NBA draft history.

Really, though, signing Brown is a no-lose proposition for Dumars. (Well, unless Kwame starts attacking people with birthday cakes again.) First of all, in case you haven't noticed, most of the big and little name free agents have already been signed. And although it seems like he's been around (and underachieving) forever, Brown is only 26 years old. He's also seven feet tall, 270 pounds and pretty athletic (even if he does have hands of stone). As Hubie Brown likes to point out, you can't teach size.

Additionally, while the Pistons are indeed over the $59 million salary cap, they're under the luxury cap of $70 million. Which means they still had a little money to spend on Brown...and a little money is all they're spending: The two-year deal is worth $4 million per. What's more, Brown can opt out of the second year of the contract, so Dumars might be hoping for a little Contract Year Phenomenon. In other words, that Brown - perhaps sensing this may be his last chance to score a big-time contract - will play his absolute ass off this season (and maybe next season as well) to prove his worth to other suitors.

The bottom line is, Dumars wanted a backup big man on the cheap, and that's what he got. Brown, for all his faults, has career averages of 7.5 PPG and 5.7 RPG...which is about what you want from your backup center. If Brown finally bursts out of his shell and submits a career-defining performance this season - however unlikely - Dumars will look like a genius. And if he doesn't, well, he loses out on a rather small investment out of which little was expected in the first place.

Keith Olbermann seemed genuinely flustered last night when Al Gore took his sweet time taking the stage at Joe Louis Arena to endorse Barack Obama; so much so that he forgot what team Chauncey Billups plays for. Billups was onstage to introduce Gore, and Olbermann had to go to his notes to identify him; at first claiming that he played for the Nuggets. Close ... both cities begin with a D. Come on Keith, you're a former SportsCenter anchor.

Part of the problem was that Olbermann's show was just about to end, and he was frustrated because Gore had not yet reached the stage (those ethanol-powered limos are goof for the environment but slow). Meaning that the upstart Dan Abrams — who reminds me of that kid who you always threw rocks at from your tree fort — was going to get the speech on his show in the following time slot.

Al Gore Endorses Barack Obama [MSNBC]
Keith Olbermann Doesn't Have Much Time For Sports These Days [Awful Announcing]

Michael Curry is the top name to take over, though, just for fun, they should see if they can pry Larry Brown away from the Bobcats.

We always thought Flip would be more effective if he just coached the regular season, and someone else took over in the playoffs. Something to think about, as if he's ever getting another coaching gig. Perhaps he and Hillary Clinton will have a weepy late night phone call.

Here we go again. Bill Russell. Elgin Baylor. Bob Cousy. Jerry West. John Havlicek. Wilt Chamberlain. Sam Jones. Gail Goodrich. Larry Bird. Magic Johnson. Kevin McHale. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Robert Parish. James Worthy. Dennis Johnson. Greg Kite. Swen Nater. Not a bad list of names, eh? (Okay. Maybe the last two.) Well, now you can add Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Paul Pierce, Pau Gasol, Ray Allen and Lamar Odom to that list. Because in case you haven't heard, it's going to be the Los Angles Lakers versus the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals. [Cue melodramatic music...NOW!]

And let's be totally honest: Who would've thunk it? The Celtics won 24 games last season and Mamba said he wanted to play on Pluto last May. And even as recently as the final quarter of last night's game, this outcome looked dubious. I mean, the Pistons had a 70-60 lead early in the fourth. They were playing at home against a team that's been gak-a-riffic on the road in the postseason. And they were 5-0 in bounce-back games in these playoffs. Boston avoiding a Game 7 looked about as likely as a sequel to Daredevil (i.e., the movie where somebody thought it would be a good idea to dress Ben Affleck up in skin-tight red leather and have him use his superior acting skills to portray a blind dude with super powers).

But the Celtics responded with a 19-4 run and the Pistons were suddenly flat broke. Even a cluster of missed free throws by Garnett and Pierce didn't matter, because David Stern's Amazing Magneto Ray (TM) was knocking Detroit's three-point attempts way off course...and that was that. Celtics 89, Pistons 81.

And in case you were wondering, the answer is yes: Stern and Danny Ainge had a simultaneous orgasm. But the Big Ticket? He's trying to be all cool about it. "It's kind of surreal. Probably hasn't even hit me yet because we haven't slept in about four days, going on five days now. Going to the Finals, I'm just hoping to get some sleep. We're emotionally drained." Not Truth, though. That dude just about had a freaking heart attack.

Speaking of Pierce, he led the Celtics with 27 points (on 8-for-12 shooting) and 8 rebounds. Allen got hot early and finished with 17 points and 6 rebounds. KG added 16, 6 and 4. And let's not forget the Celtics roleplayers, who may not have had gaudy stats but nonetheless made huge contributions. Sam Cassell was only 1-for-5, but that 1 was big. Kendrick Perkins had a huge block late. And James Posey made the defensive play of the night, stealing the ball from an unsuspecting Tayshaun Prince with just over two minutes left and Boston clinging to a four-point lead.

Chauncey Billups scored a playoff-high 29 points for the Pistons, and Rip Hamilton shook off his fake elbow injury to score 21, but those dudes were on their own offensively. Prince (10 points, 3-for-12), Rasheed Wallace (4 points, 2-for-12) and the bench (11 points, 4-for-10) didn't have their back. And now this team's run — which has included six Eastern Conference Finals appearances, two berths in the NBA Finals, and one championship — might be over. Flip Saunders? He might not be back. 'Sheed? He could be gone. Antonio McDyess? He might be bronzed and put on display at the Smithsonian. Times they are a changin'...

But the more things change, the more they stay the same. The same as they were in the 60s and 80s. It's Boston and L.A. for all the marbles. The NBA Finals start on Thursday night in Beantown.

'Sheed's potty mouth. Rasheed got T'd up and T'd off in Game 5, leading to the following "expletive-laced tirade" during his postgame meltdown: "All that (expletive) calls they had out there, with Mike (Callahan) and Kenny (Mauer) you've all seen that (expletive). You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that (expletive). That (expletive) ain't basketball out there. It's all (expletive) entertainment. You all should know that (expletive). It's all (expletive) entertainment." Yup. 'Sheed is (expletive) awesome! Only one problem. He's (expletive) one technical foul away from being (expletive) suspended for one game. Think he'll be on his best behavior tonight? Heh...then you don't know 'Sheed.

Flip Saunders, millionaire babysitter. Don't worry, Pistons fans. Flip's gonna get 'Sheed in line. "Usually when he gets this close in those types of situations, he knows to try to tone it down a little. I'll talk to him." Oh. You'll talk to him. Well, okay then. Problem totally solved. (Note Flip's use of the words "usually" and "try"...)

Ray Allen's love story. His prodigal jump shot returned for Game 5, and Ray made sweet, sweet love to it: 29 points, 9-for-15 from the field, and 5-for-6 from that errogenous zone beyond the arc. The Celtics will need him to keep strokin' it if they're going to come through in Detroit.

Flip Saunders, drama queen. Flip is still flippin' the you-know-what out about that bear-hug foul Paul Pierce committed against Chauncey Billups. "I told the referee when I was standing there, 'We've got New England Patriots that are here. (Tedy) Bruschi had a tackle like that in the Super Bowl. So I don't think that's allowed in basketball." In other news, Flip would also like the league to look into that foul Kevin McHale committed against Kurt Rambis in the 1984 NBA Finals. "Randy Macho Man Savage had a clothesline like that against Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III. So I don't think that's allowed in basketball."

Kevin Garnett. In game 5, KG scored 33 points (11-for-17) and hit the game-clinching freethrows, but, well, here's what he did down the stretch: 6:48 - Turnover. 5:51 - Turnover. 5:08 - Missed jump shot. 4:04 - Two made freethrows. 3:32 - Two made freethrows. 2:38 - Missed jump shot. 0:18 - Missed jump shot. 0:03 - Two made freethrows. So basically, in clutch time, KG was 0-for-3 from outside and bobbled the ball away twice. He did add four important freethrows, as well as the two game-clinchers off the forced foul...but still. That wasn't exactly a clutchtastic performance. Teams don't usually win elimination games on the road when their best player can count his clutch playoff performances on one finger.

Doc Rivers farts in his critics' general direction. Some people say Doc can't coach. Others say that he is, in fact, the Forest Gump of NBA coaching. But that don't bother him none. "I've always laughed at some of the criticism. I was joking with someone the other day, and I told them, just answer me this: 'Why would someone listen to a guy that hasn't played, hasn't coached? Some of the guys have never even been reporters - they're bloggers.' Who's the fool, me or the people listening." Wow. I guess you can include Doc Rivers in the anti-blogger camp. I mean, what do we really know, anyway? I'm too busy drooling on myself and shitting my pants to really blalsdjlruouwoerfjs...

Chris Webber, still trying to remain relevant. Who cares what this guy thinks, right? The Associated Press, apparently. Somebody dredged the comments he made about Flip Saunders on TNT at halftime of Game 4 of the Sixers-Pistons series ("No disrespect to Flip, but it doesn't matter what Flip says."), and of course Webber chose to clarify his statements. "All I was saying was that the Pistons are the most veteran team besides San Antonio and both of those teams have leaders in the locker room. I like Flip and think he's a good coach. I predicted the Pistons to win it all and you can't do that with a bad coach." Isn't it funny how often pro athletes, even the washed-up ones, get misquoted?

Doc Rivers seeks his Captain's bar in Obvious. So sayeth the Doctor: "We don't want to go to a Game 7. We want to win this now if we can. They're not going to let us win it. We're going to have to come in and take it." Wait, Doc. Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe they will let you win if you ask really nicely and promise to throw in some My Little Pony stickers. The worst they can do is say "no," right?

Paul Pierce: Not tired, as far as he can tell. Here's the Truth on maybe being tired: "The only thing on my mind is getting a win, getting a step closer to being in the NBA Finals. I don't think fatigue is going to be a factor for the rest of this series. The guys physically for the most part are feeling good, and it's all about mental toughness right now." So...the Celtics must win using the power of their minds? Why does that worry me?

Rip Hamilton. The Phantom of Auburn Hills injured his right elbow in Game 5. The funny part of this particular ouchie is how it happened: By wrapping his arm around Ray Allen's neck during a rebounding scrum. I guess sometimes injuries are Karmic. Anyway, he'll play in Game 6, but it'll be interesting to see whether his arm-flailing form is affected.

Kendrick Perkins. According to Flip Saunders, "Perkins is eating us up." Need I say more?

The prediction. Detroit pulls out a close one before taking a nap in Game 7.

It's just like a Whitney Houston song. Only cool. Ray Allen has had a hard few weeks since his jump shot left him for Jason Kapono. There have been tears. There have been regrets. One night, Ray-Ray was so upset he brushed and flossed his teeth only seven times before going to bed, and his early morning finger-tapping sequence — all five, then the middle three, then finally his middle finger — was all out of whack. But now that his jump shot has returned from its little tryst, Ray's Obsessive-compulsive Disorder is back on track...and so is his game. And that sound you just heard was a collective "Hallelujah!" from his coaches and teammates.

Allen scored a playoff-high 29 points on 9-for-15 shooting — including 5-for-6 from over the rainbow — and he hit a Charles-Barkley's-ass-sized shot with a minute to go to fend of a furious Piston rally that had cut a huge Celtic lead to one. And thanks to this blissful reunion, Boston won 106-102 and is now a single game from returning to the NBA Finals for the first time since those halcyon days when shorts were so short that an overly enthusiastic dunk might expose a random testicle. Wow. Didn't know I was going there...

Kevin Garnett had 33 points (his playoff-best for this year) and Kendrick "The Beast" Perkins played like it, going off for career playoff-highs in points (18) and rebounds (16) ... which Detroit coach Flip Saunders to say: "Perkins is eating us up." (Should we change his nickname to "Pacman"? Or is that taken?)

The Celtics' honor roll continued with Rajon Rondo (7 points, 13 assists, 4 steals) and Paul Pierce (13 of his 16 points in the first half, 5 rebounds, 6 assists). And it's a damned good thing that all their starters played so well, considering they got a sum total of 3 points from their bench (including a Super Mario! from Eddie House).

Considering their defense got shelled (51 percent shooting for Boston), and they got gangbanged on the boards (42-25), the Pistons were lucky to even be in the game at the end. But after building a 17-point third-quarter lead, the Celtics pulled out the prevent defense they used in Game 3 with similar effect: Detroit went on a 21-8 fourth quarter run that cut the lead to four with just under five minutes to go. Rodney Stuckey — who hit a big three-pointer to draw the Pistons within one with 1:22 to go — accidentally hit a foul shot he meant to miss (so Detroit could get it back) with about 4 seconds left. You really should have seen the look on his face; it was classic. KG then finished things off with a couple free throws.

Chauncey Billups led the Pistons with 26 points and 6 assists. Rip Hamilton, who strained his right elbow in the closing ticks, had 25 points, 6 assists, and 6 turnovers. And Rasheed Wallace added 18 points and his sixth technical fouls of the postseason (Said 'Sheed: "A lot of those foul calls, cats were flopping and falling all over the floor!").

Game 6 is Friday in Motown.

Gisele Bundchen. Tom Brady's supermodel pet was in attendance at Game 2, when the Celtics' perfect home playoff record came to a sticky end. Bitter New Englanders will also note that Gi was at Super Bowl XLII, where the Patriots' perfect record got blown to smithereens. (Hold on...MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...okay, I'm done.) My point is actually a message to Tom Terrific: Leave the bitch at home. Bros before hos, dude. Bros before hos. (I'm sure Tedy Bruschi is free.)

History lesson. In Game 5 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals, Larry Bird famously stole a lazy inbounds pass and fed a streaking Dennis Johnson for a layup, and the Celtics beat the Pistons 108-107. In Game 5 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals, Detroit held Boston to six field goals in the final 17 minutes and ended up winning in overtime 102-96. In both cases, the team that won Game 5 won the series. I'm just sayin'.

This could be your last chance, Part I. In Game 4, Antonio McDyess partied like it was 1998, to the tune of 21 points and 16 rebounds. The dude played — CLICHE ALERT!! — like there was no tomorrow. And Doc Rivers wants his squad to learn from that. "I think the veterans really get that. I think the young ones always think there's another opportunity. The whole thing is to show them how close we are, the sense of urgency they have to have. Because the other team has it."

This could be your last chance, Part II. Flip Saunders thinks some of the Pistons should also be following in the footsteps of Old Man McDyess. "He knows that you can't take any of this for granted. Some of our guys have been in six straight conference finals, which is an amazing achievement, but for some of our guys, this is the first time. Dice knows that, at this point of his career, it could always be his last. And all our guys need to realize that. You can't just expect there to always be a next time." Yup. Just ask Dwyane Wade.

This could be your last chance, Part III. Doc doesn't have to worry about Paul Pierce. He gets it. "We don't get this opportunity too much in our careers. We have to go out and play like it's our last, because you never know when this is going to happen again. We have to find some way, somehow to get a win at home and bring that momentum back to Detroit."

The power of positive thinking. Kendrick Perkins moves like he's in one of those dreams where you run like you're underwater. You know the ones? Anyway, he may be Mr. Molasses, but he's still impressed and inspired by the confidence dripping off of The Mid-sized Three. "They never panic, especially Ray, Paul and KG. They're always poised. They never talk negative, even after the loss they stayed positive. It was like, 'Don't even worry about it. We aren't losing any more games at home.'" Speaking of those dudes...

The Mid-sized Three. Boston's menage a trois shot 11-for-38 in Game 4, and you don't need a degree in matheology to know that's bad. Kind of like eating yellow snow or crossing the streams. They need to shoot better - and by "they" I mean KG and Truth, because Ray-Ray's a lost cause - for the Celtics to win, well, any more games.

Chauncey Billups. Mr. Big Shot might have to change is name to Mr. Shoot Him And Put Him Out Of His Misery. He's been truly, truly awful. Like, worthy of a Waltonism-level awful. But don't worry. It's not the hamstring. It's his timing. Or it's all in your mind. Or something. According to Flip Saunders, anyway. "I think his leg is fine; I think he just needs to get his timing back. If you notice, he's playing better late in games, and I think some of that is just from getting into a rhythm. It isn't about how he plays, it is about how the team plays. When we lose, it is going to be his fault, and when we win, he'll get the credit. That just goes with being a point guard."

Rodney Stuckey. Here's what's depressing if you're Boston: Stuckey is playing so well it almost doesn't matter how Billups plays. Seriously. This kid is good. And confident. And he scares me. Where's my blankie?

Calling all leprechauns (and the ghost of Red Auerbach). According to Sam Cassell and other Celtics, the visitor's locker room in the Palace of Auburn Hills was hot before Game 4. Like, fry-an-egg-on-your-head hot. Shenanigans? You'd better believe it. I bet Red was rolling over in his grave, because that was his old trick. Think the visitor's locker room will be hot, or cold, or under water for Game 5? You'd better believe it.

Calling all passers. You know what's worse than a steaming hot locker room? Bad ball movement. That's what the C's had in Game 4: 12 assists compared to 14 turnovers. Ugh. Of course, that number would probably be a little higher if they had, I dunno, hit some shots.

Bold prediction. The Celtics win by some positive number.

The Dice Man cometh...once every 10 years. Let's go over the Boston Celtics' Game 4 checklist. Shut down Chauncey Billups (10 points, 3-for-12) and Tayshaun Prince (7 points, 3-for-12)? Check. Contain Rasheed Wallace (14 points, 5 rebounds, 5 blocked shots)? Sort of check. Limit Rip Hamilton's scoring opportunities (20 points, 8-for-10)? Well, at least he didn't get 30. That's everybody, right? Right?! Oops. Not right. Very not right.

Antonio McDyess — who apparently discovered the Fountain of Youth over the weekend — had his best playoff game since April 27, 1998, scoring 21 points, grabbing 16 rebounds, playing lockdown defense, providing energy, inspiring his teammates and turning pure evil into delicious candy. Thanks largely to his unexpected transformation back into the Dice Man of the late 90s, the Pistons ran away with a 94-75 victory over the Celtics.

Said McDyess: "You only have so many opportunities, and they're limited, especially for me. I'm at the end of my career, and I just feel like leaving everything on the floor." And that "everything" includes a giant, smoking crater that used to be the Celtics.

Still, Antonio's big game aside, the Leprechauns did not play well. They shot 31 percent. They hit only one of their nine three-point attempts. They got 10 of their shots stuffed. They had more turnovers (14) than assists (12). And their defense on the Pistons — who shot 51 percent and committed only 7 turnovers — wasn't exactly the stuff of legends.

Boston's Mid-sized Three of Kevin Garnett (16 points, 10 rebounds), Paul Pierce (16 points, 8 rebounds) and Ray Allen (11 points) also failed to deliver, missing their first seven shots and combining to hit 11-for-38 for the game. But the Celtics used The Stern Button for their 39 free throw attempts to stay in the game...until the fourth quarter, anyway. And that's when the Pistons shut them down.

Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "They bumped us off our spots and were more physical and aggressive all night. Usually the winner is the team that was more aggressive."

Yup. And now the series is tied 2-2. Game 5 is Wednesday in Boston.

Kevin Garnett (22 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) played the role of high priest, and role players like Kendrick Perkins (12 points, 10 rebounds), Rajon Rondo (14 points, 4 assists) and James Posey (12 points, 4 rebounds) were his faithful acolytes. Huh. Not sure what that makes Ray Allen (14 points, 5-for-16, 6 assists) or Paul Pierce (11 points, 4 rebounds, 5 turnovers). Maybe I should have skipped the magic analogy, or used Harry Potter references again.

Anyway, it wasn't about Boston's individual performances. It was about their defense. They held the Pistons to 38 percent shooting - including 1-for-13 from downtown - and outrebounded them 44-28. Rip Hamilton scored 26 points, but he was only 8-for-18 from the field. Chauncey Billups (6 points, 1-for-6, 4 assists) played like his hamstring was missing. Tayshaun Prince (4 points, 2-for-11, 4 rebounds) played like he was keeping Chauncey's hamstring company. And Rasheed Wallace eventually fouled out after a frustrating night of trying to keep up with KG.

Still, all that being said, the Pistons cut a 20-point Boston lead down to only nine with about three minutes left, thanks mostly to the fact that the Celtics went into the NBA-equivalent of the prevent defense: Walking the ball up the court, trying to waste time, putting up rushed shots before the shot clock could expire. In short, playing not to lose their lead instead of trying to extend it. Which is stupid, and ugly to watch, but I guess it worked.

And Doc Rivers was totally underwhelmed. "I think our guys just assumed we would eventually win on the road." If you say so, Doc. And on the other end of the spectrum, Flip Saunders is all life or death. "They got home court back. [The next game] is a crucial game for us - the biggest of the year."

Game 4 is Monday in Detroit.

"Rest is not an option." So said Kevin Garnett after the Celtics defeated the Pistons 88-79 in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, adding "So we don't even think about that." And based on the way Garnett played — a game-high 26 points (11-for-17), 9 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 blocks, and several Lou Ferrigno-style flexdowns — I wouldn't blame Doc Rivers if he replaced that glass of warm milk KG drinks before bedtime with a couple dozen bottles of 5-Hour Energy. That cat didn't need any rest. And neither did the rest of the Celtics.

Boston hit 52 percent of its shots, forced Detroit to miss almost 60 percent of its and won the battle in the paint 44-22 to remain undefeated at home in the playoffs. And KG wasn't the only leprechaun bleeding Celtic Pride. Paul Pierce had 22 points, 6 rebounds and 6 assists. Kendrick Perkins looked like a real NBA center by grabbing 10 rebounds. And Rajon Rondo (11 points, 7 assists, 5 steals) outplayed Chauncey Billups (9 points, 2 assists).

As has been the case throughout pretty much every game in every series of these playoffs, the third quarter pretty much decided who would win. Boston outscored Detroit 28-17 in period numero tres. And even though that wasn't the ball game, it sort of was the ball game, you know?

Whether it was the layoff, the Celtics D, or the outcome of last week's stunning season finale of Smallville, most of the Pistons starters were off their game. Antonio McDyess was the best of the lot with 14 points (5-for-10) and 11 rebounds. But Billups, Tayshaun Prince (16 points, 7-for-16), Rip Hamilton (15 points, 5-for-13) and especially Rasheed Wallace (11 points, 3-for-12, roasted by Garnett) all kind of sucked. For them, anyway.

Detroit coach Flip Saunders scoffed at the excuses, saying that neither the layoff nor the Smallville finale — which he said turned out pretty much how he'd expected — had anything to do with his team's disappointing failure. "It wasn't a matter of rust as we had too many mental mistakes. We weren't in the right situations on some offensive sets. We weren't in the right situations on some defensive rotations. When you do that, it messes up the whole team and the whole team looks a step slow." Well, there you go. That explains it.

Game 2 is in Boston on Thursday night.

Fun fact: New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick attended last night's game and actually sat near the Detroit bench with some mummy-like woman (see above). There was no word whether he was standing over Flip Saunders' shoulder with a video camera at any point, but the Celtics had their offensive game in weeks. It's...it's almost like they knew what kind of defensive sets the Pistons were going to run. Especially after halftime. Hmmm, I wonder...

Funner fact: In the days leading up to Game 1, Ray Allen said: "I would rather have the rhythm" of regular competition than extra rest "because (with) the rhythm you don't have to guess from one day to the next" how you'll play. Well, Ray-Ray sure maintained the rhythm he established in the Cleveland series, scoring 9 points on 3-for-10 shooting. So yeah, maybe there was at least one Celtic who could have used some time off.