A helpful and possibly disturbed reader sent a link to this site which features writing best described as "experimental." This story, "The Consummation Of Dirk," is a dreamlike journey through the psyche of Dirk Nowitzki, interspersed with quotes from competitors and analysts, and other potential realities. To sum up, it's batshit insane.

I'm quoting some choice sections, but you really owe it to yourself to read the whole thing.

Then came the summer of Dirk's retreat-into the mountains? The desert? On a single-sailed raft, adrift in uncharted seas? Dogsledding out over northern tundra? Or was it Patagonia, on austral ice, flocks of penguins drawn to him like angels to the feet of the risen Christ? Do we dare see Dirk fishlike, submerged with open eyes, gliding through turquoise waters, abask in the uterine warmth of some equatorial sea?

[snip]

On horseback a young Dirk Nowitzki races teammate Steve Nash down a thin strip of floury sand along the lapping shallows of some sub-tropical sea, the duo's long hair flapping like matched manes in the wind.

Dirk is clumsy on horseback, Nash skillful. Waiting at the finish line, Nash joshes his friend:

"Howdy," he says, doffing an invisible Stetson as Dirk's steed lumbers over the snapped tape.

Dirk chuckles, executes an ungainly dismount. A breeze flutters their similar white riding shirts.

"Steve," Dirk says later, the two of them sipping electric-blue drinks through complexly-looped pink straws, their horses happily gamboling a little ways down the beach. "What could be better than this, Steve? We've got the whole world, don't we?"

Nash stares out at the giant red sun, dipping into the Pacific.

"Steve?"

[snip]

H—: Well, for a guy who's seven-foot tall, his cock was actually surprisingly average.

B—: I always found Dirk to be a tremendously caring, tender lover. He would sort of gently cradle me against that mountainous body of his, stroke my hair almost how you'd like pet a kitten, and just say these really gentle, really just sweet, loving things.

[snip]

Stanford University's A. Horowitz rejects Litgenstein's essentially Oedipal thesis, viz.:

We can no more readily presume Nowitzki's ambivalence to stem from the "maternal lacuna" than we can suggest that the savor of a pretzel derives from the absence of sugar withdrawn: the notion preposterously reduces and self-serves.

[snip]

And Kirk, who was once called Dirk, walked again among the people, bearing good tidings of great joy, peace to the strife-afflicted, communion to those who cried out from the pits of their solitude, hope to all who had abandoned hope, and the people received him with feasting and dance.

Yeah, for some reason Dirk becomes Kirk and is referred to as such for the rest of the piece. But that's not even close to the part that most requires an explanation, so we'll let it go.

The Consummation Of Dirk [The Collagist]

Among the other revelations: It sounds like poor Dirk was madly in love with Taylor, a grifter whom he supposedly called his "little jailbird." You Teutons out there can read the Bild interview here. For the rest of you, The Dallas Morning News has the recap:

According to the article, published on Bild's Web site Monday evening and due on newsstands today in Germany, Nowitzki has started to feel better about his private life recently.

"In the beginning, I was very down and disappointed, sad and furious," Nowitzki said. "But I made a few steps forward and I think someday I will be over it totally."

[...]

The Mavericks' perennial all-star verified that the couple met via an allegedly fluke phone call.

"She told me she dialed the wrong number and was trying to call her brother," Nowitzki said. "We talked, texted and e-mailed a lot over the next three years, but we never met. It was more of an Internet type of flirt.

"We had daily contact, then none for months. But we were friends for so long, we finally met and the first meeting was good. Then in December, we got engaged, but we didn't have a real date for the wedding. She had further plans and wanted to get married in July.

"She was an interesting woman. She was funny and never boring."

Nowitzki was asked about the mockery of Taylor's appearance in some of the unflattering photos that have been published.

"Well, everybody has different tastes," he said. "Some people love Italian food, some don't."

As for the emotional scars left by the difficult liaison, Nowitzki said: "I still want to have a family, but the wounds have to heal first. I want to raise a family and have a couple of small Dirks running around. But it will not be easy to win my heart."

I urge you to read the Babelfish translation, which better captures the felicities of the German tongue. Headline: "I groped in such a way in case of dear."

Dallas Mavericks' Nowitzki talks about relationship with ex-fiancée [The Dallas Morning News]
I groped in such a way in case of dear [Bild, via Babelfish]

FBI agents in Texas have seized recordings of threatening jailhouse phone calls made by Crista Ann Taylor, the ex-girlfriend of Dallas Mavericks All-Star forward Dirk Nowitzki, to the player's attorney, two sources with knowledge of the investigation said.
[...]
Taylor's prison phone calls allegedly contained threats as well as demands for money from Nowitzki, whom she has referred to in numerous media interviews as her former fiancé, and many of Taylor's phone calls were made to the offices of Nowitzki's Dallas-based attorney, the sources said.

This woman is a few crayons short of a whole box. Everyone knows you're supposed to wait until after the kid is born and then go after the money. You know, for the good of the kid.

The pregnancy claim, like most of her life story, is unverifiable. (Thanks for nothing, Patriot Act!) However, we do choose to believe that Dirk was her only source of income, but currently wants nothing to do with her and has made no attempt to contact her since she was arrested in his home back on May 6. She is accused, among other things, of defrauding a dentist to the tune of $10,000 in free tooth work. That's a lot of fluoride.

There is one other point of fact that she wants to be made perfectly clear—Taylor says she was not a stripper! She merely worked in a strip club, as a waitress, using one of her many assumed aliases. Come on, guys. What do you take her for?

Cristal Taylor tells DMN she's pregnant with Dirk Nowitzki's child [Dallas Morning News]

Banks—a former Michigan State Spartan who led the NFL in fumbles his rookie season—was surprised to see Taylor's picture in the paper, connected with another (ok, "a") famous athlete. "This is unbelievable," he said. "This is wild. I can't believe it's the same chick." He says he met Taylor back in 1997 when he was playing for the St. Louis Rams, although she went by several different alias, even back then. He claims that a friend put her in touch with him after Banks didn't hire the friend as his agent. (He "sicced" her on Banks as revenge.)

She called me and wanted to see me; I said, ‘No.' " Banks recalled. "She sent me her picture in the mail and she was just gorgeous. Me being a kid, thinking I was the best thing since sliced bread, I gave her a call and ended up dating her."

Banks said it was a decision he rued almost immediately, recalling "she showed her crazy [side] pretty early." What, specifically, did Banks remember about Taylor's actions and personality?

"Her being very emotional. I remember she camped out in front of my crib one time when I had another female friend in town. She (Taylor) wasn't too happy about that."

Soon, Banks said, Taylor began making harassing calls to him, his agent, his marketing team and even first-year Rams coach Dick Vermeil, "trying to run my name through the mud."

Banks claims that situation did not endear him to Vermeil and it certainly didn't help his career, because let's face it, he's no Kurt Warner. But then the team security got involved and that was that. But his story, if true, lends credence to the current theory that Nowitzki was a nice guy being played by this woman and that Dirk had no inkling of her criminal past when he took her into his home and (allegedly) asked her to marry him. She has been considered a fugitive since 2001 and was transferred to the Jefferson County jail today in order to face theft charges.

Now that Dirk's season is over he concentrate on this full time. Joy.

Former NFL QB says woman targeted him before Dirk Nowitzki [Dallas Morning News]
Dirk Nowitzki: NBA star lover Crystal Taylor worked in strip bar, now in prison [Bild]
Woman linked to NBA star now jailed in Jefferson County [KFDM]

Getting things shaved into the side or back of your head has become popular again. 1985 rules! First black basketball players brought it back and now it's crossed over to white basketball players. Albeit German ones. Nowitzki's new 'do is appropriate considering he'll be the flag-bearer for Germany at the opening game ceremonies.

But, seriously, shaved head messages are coming back? The people behind Starter Jackets and Skidz are probably rubbing their hands together in glee.

Basketball star Nowitzki to carry German Olympic flag [AFP]
Dirk Nowitzki is excited for the Olympics [Ball Don't Lie]

And while Mark Cuban is busy waging a one-billionaire war against the blogging menace, his team is melting down faster than Chernobyl, only without the fun glow-in-the-dark animals and mutant babies: The Mavericks have lost three in a row at home for the first time in years, are 0-8 against winning teams since trading for Jason Kidd, and are about two games from being out of the playoffs. Speaking of J-Kidd, he pulled off a minor miracle by scoring a whopping 7 points - more than double his output from the last two games - and even hitting a semi-clutch three-pointer in the fourth quarter. Didn't help, though. Tim Duncan shot like he had a 20-sided die stuck in his eye but still finished with 19 points and 13 rebounds. Meanwhile, Ginobili was unfazed by The Strangler's strong-arm tactics, finishing with a game-high 26 points to go along with 8 rebounds and 6 assists. Stack led Dallas with 19 points.

Allen and Carmelo achieve mutual gratification...in winning. As of last night, this was ESPN's front-page headline for the Denver/Toronto game: A.I., Melo combine for 69, Nuggets stop Raps. They said, "combine for 69." Uh huh-huh-huh, huh-huh, huh. God, I'm such a 12-year-old. Anyway, Iverson scored 36, Carmelo added 33, and the Nuggets actually held an opponent to "only" 100 points and 50 percent shooting in their 109-100 win. That's a pretty good defensive effort for them. And actually, Kenyon Martin's crazy-man defense on Chris Bosh (6-for-16 shooting, 0-for-1 in the fourth quarter, 4 turnovers) probably won the game for Denver (although Bosh still had an "almost" triple-double of 17 points, 12 rebounds, and 9 assists). Jamario Moon had 15 points and a career-high 15 rebounds for the not-so-mighty dinos, losers of eight of their last 10 games.

Hey, Detroit, you can wake up any time now. The Pistons are just one victory away from reaching the 50-win plateau for the seventh consecutive season, which is almost enough to make you forget that they're only 10-7 since the All-Star break. Almost. Last night, Detroit shot bad (43 percent), defended worse (giving up 53 percent shooting), and lost to Washington 95-83 despite strong efforts from Rip Hamilton (19 points), Tony McDyess (14 rebounds), and Chauncey Billups (11 assists). Antawn Jamison was the Wizards' magic man with 24 points, 12 rebounds, and 0 assists, and Tough Juice tossed in another 17. Agent Zero update: Gilbert Arenas took part in the the Wizards' morning shootaround and expected to get a little PT, but Washington's team doctors wouldn't clear him to play. [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice] And the Hibachi was steamed. [/Arnold Schwarzenegger] About an hour before the game, Gil was heard muttering, "I'm not coming back this year." Then, during the game, he told ESPN, "I was ready, but they went out there with a fishing pole and yanked me back." Ooookay. What, does Gil have some kind of communicable disease or something?

So much for Phil Jackson and the Lakers "owning" the Warriors. The Golden State Warriors built a 26-point lead, let the Lakers back into the game, and then withstood a Kobe Bryant barrage to beat L.A. 115-111. Monta Ellis had 31 points, 7 rebounds, and 5 assists for the Warriors, but Stephen Jackson was Mr. Clutchtastic, out-dueling The Mamba by hitting three-pointers with 38.5 and 8.1 seconds left to cockblock the Lakers' comeback. And while you could point to several reasons why the Lakers lost - 41 point shooting (led by Kobe's 13-for-30), 18 turnovers (including 14 in the first half), and the fact that Ronny Turiaf kind of looks like a special needs child - the real problem was that Phil Jackson recently said that his squad was "the team to beat" in the West. And that's what we like to call the stat curse. Bryant had 36 points, a season-high 14 rebounds, and 8 assists, and Lamar Odom added 19 points and 22 boards for L.A.

• Flippin' The Script. I'd like to be more excited about Nowitzki's 29 points, eight boards, six dimes and three blocks in the Mavs 121-99 win over the Warriors last night. I really would. But I'm afraid he'll just let me down again come May. He can be such a tease. And besides, GS played like ass in this game. Baron Davis scored just 10 points on 2-for-14 shooting. He couldn't do that again if his name was Antoine Walker.

• Fear His Name. Kevin Garnett scored 11 of his 26 points late and held The Yao in check after Pollard and Perkins had fouled out as the Celtics beat the Rockets 97-93. "It was superstar on superstar," James Posey said. "[KG] accepts those challenges, and we jumped on his back and he carried us to a win. Literally."

• Decagon The Halls With Boughs Of Holly. Move over ... um ... Mark Aguirre? No, that can't be it. John Salley? Let's try Fennis Dembo. Whatever. Richard Hamilton's 20 points made him the 10th-leading scorer in Pistons history, and he added nine assists and seven rebounds to help Detroit earn its 10th consecutive victory by killing Washington 106-93.

• Back On Track. What in the world has gotten into these Portland area kids? One minute they're out shoving referees and making bongs out of Sprite cans, the next minute they're winning 14 of 15 games. Brandon Roy fought through a poor shooting night to score 24 points to help his Blazers to a 90-79 victory over the woeful Timberwolves. Al Jefferson posted 29 points, 16 rebounds and no Bills in the loss.

For the record, I was against moving Jason Terry to the bench from the very beginning. But he seems to take to it; scoring 31 points to lead Dallas over Houston. "He just had that look in his eye and his shot really looked good,'' coach Avery Johnson told AP. "We are very surprised when he misses; we're kind of spoiled these days.'' Terry scored seven straight points in the third quarter, then he opened the fourth quarter with a 3-pointer, giving Dallas the lead. Nowitzki had 19 points.

And dear tiny infant Jesus, we thank you for Mavs Moneyball, which provided us with the above excellent NASCAR report.

• Wade Right In. Dwyane Wade reported no problems related to his left knee or left shoulder — both of which were operated on May 15 — after his first full contact practice on Monday. But the Heat (0-3) still doesn't know when he'll be ready to return to the lineup.

No site captures this feel more than the great Free Darko, which we read like a doctor's chart every day during the NBA season. They understand the dichotomy between individual achievement and collective glory, and how those are not mutually exclusive. And they've got a way with letters too. Right now, they're actually doing a writeup on every single NBA player.

Therefore, we've asked them to look at the arcs of certain players going into this season, what 2007-08 means to them, their teams and their legacies. They'll be previewing a player a day, up to tipoff next Tuesday.

Today: Dirk Nowitzki. Your author is Bethlehem Shoals. His words are after the jump.

————————-

If sports really resembled sports talk radio, Dirk Nowitzki would've gone out like T-Mac: wounded, weeping, and painfully aware of his imperfection. Instead, when last we saw Dirk, he was accepting the 2006-07 MVP, commendation for a superb, but empty, regular season.

This award marked the completion of his Avery Johnson-sponsored makeover. When Dirk first entered the league, he was a fantastic creature, the kind of felicitous monster that makes grown men rub their eyes and giggle. He came from a far-off land, tutored in a forest to overthrow convention and challenge assumptions. But griffins don't break bottles and unicorns never slobber; even as a star Dirk remained magical and aloof, the epitome of a Dallas team that was both breathtaking and disposable.

Then came Avery, a holy-rolling basketball firebrand determined to make the Mavs legit. Under Nellie, Dirk had shot when he felt like it, from any spot that felt right. He shared top billing with Steve Nash and Michael Finley, rarely caring if he came off as the franchise player. In a sense, he was the anti-go-to-guy. Avery changed all that, expecting Dirk to use his size, quit with the haywire threes, get to the line and just generally command respect.

And you know, it worked. Dirk became a smarter, more imposing player, albeit one that didn't always carry himself like the king of the border. What mattered was that he became the Mavs' anchor, their rock. Johnson built an offense around him, and the team ruled the games that mean nothing. In the Warriors series, though, Dirk Nowitzki's past flashed before him and swallowed his eyes. A Don Nelson-coached team, more demented than Dallas had ever dared be, assaulted Dirk with chaos-as-order. There were no positions, no sets, and no logical problems to be solved. The Warriors neutralized Nowitzki with a poison he knew all too well.

Most pundits saw Dirk's disappearing act as proof that he wasn't cut out to be El Hombre, that he was soft and lacking in giant nuts. The MVP meant less than nothing; it was a cruel irony that sang out Nowitzki's shame. But I've always felt that the trophy, and its burden, belonged every bit as much to Avery. He sold Dirk a bill of goods, training him in the ways of Popovich. And then, all that rationality proved to be no match for the very credo Dirk had abandoned.

As we head into 2007-08, Dirk Nowitzki sits at a crossroads. Avery Johnson helped him get recognized as the league's Most Valuable Player. Johnson got the team to the Finals in 2006, and then proceeded to put together seven months of irrefutable excellence. Dirk will do as he is commanded, and we'll get another chance to see just how legit Dirk/Avery is. But if they once again collapse (2006) or get blindsided (2007), Avery Johnson might not be the coach for 2008-09.

Where would that leave our valiant Teuton? This spring, he was harshly reminded of where he came from. That back-handed MVP isn't a referendum on his soul; it's an opportunity for reflection. As Dirk grinds out Avery's will and makes that unconvincing gladiator-grimace, will he think about Stephen Jackson? Will he wish it were he running wild on the Warriors? Or is this his temptation in the desert: Dirk, starved for pride and identity, must confront S-Jax and his false promise of Warriors paradise.

Of course, if the Mavs win it all, this angst becomes moot. However, there's a sizable chance this won't happen; if Avery moves on, or Dirk finds himself relocated, then the gangly German will enter a new phase of his career. In college, there was this thing called Hegel, and it went like this: When opposites collide in history, a new day is forged. It's as if GWFH sent a message to the future to direct his younger countryman.

It's normal for players to go through several phases in their career, usually as a function of experience and bodily changes. Dirk stands poised to enter a third phase of his prime, which is pretty much unprecedented. His wild years defied the logic of the "career year;" last season, he proved it to be something of a sham. At least for him. It's hard to imagine exactly what would come next, but that's part of what makes Dirk Dirk, the wonder that Avery has tried so hard to wring out and replace with kerosene. Would it be surprising if Nowitzki — one of the more exceptional players of our age — needed to find his own way of winning?

Either that, or Dirk's a spineless fake who doesn't deserve that max contract. But you already knew that.

It was not a good night to be a Dallas fan last night — it really hasn't been a good year to be a fan of any Dallas sports team — but it's really not a happy experience to be Dirk Nowitzki right now ... and it probably won't be for quite some time, writes True Hoop.

And now, instead of a champion, Nowitzki is only, until further notice, a pretender. I wonder how he'll feel, next week, when — most likely — he is summoned somewhere besides a Dallas home game to pick up the MVP trophy. It's a trophy he has earned. As much as he is in character fading from tough defensive schemes in these playoffs, he was also in character scoring 53 taking similar shots this time last year, and dominating all regular season long. The MVP is a regular season award, and this was his regular season.

But the more Nowitzki is lauded as the MVP, the more he is responsible for his team. And the more he is responsible for the team, the more he has disappointed. I wonder if that trophy will make him feel anything but worse. That little trophy, assuming he gets it, will be, in a perverse way, the precise reason someone somewhere is probably writing a column right now saying that Nowitzki should be traded. If this becomes the first MVP trophy ever to be tossed off a bridge, I won't wonder why.

And Mark Cuban remains silent.

The Spotlight Is Burning Dirk Nowitzki [True Hoop]
The City Of Dallas Is Experiencing One Of The Worst Sports Years Ever [WBRS Sports Blog]

We thought Bill Simmons' pregame breakdown of this series was rather dead-on — whatever criticism Simmons might receive, the guy knows his NBA — and until the last three minutes, you had to wonder if Dirk Nowitzki would retire post-game, because he clearly would be too ashamed to show his face in public again. And then ... he woke up, and a series that had, in just five games, covered just about every possible subplot added one more.

This is a series we desperately do not want to end, and we're already counting down the minutes — just 36 hours until it goes batshit crazy in Oakland again tomorrow night — until it fires back up again. That's too much time to wait. We suspect no matter what happens the rest of the way, this is the series from these NBA Playoffs that everyone will remember. And we're still only five games in.

Game 5: Warriors 112, Mavs 118 - We Got To Pray... [Golden State Of Mind]
Sorry, Dirk, You're No MVP [Bill Simmons]

We never really noticed it until Monday afternoon, when KNBR Radio's Ted Robinson brought it up, but Baron Davis' stellar play against the Mavericks so far might be the best point guard performance by a beard since Walt Frazier led the Knicks to the NBA title in 1973. Sure, other beards have performed well in the clutch; most notably Bill Walton's for the Trail Blazers in 1977. And let's not forget Clifford Ray's beard, which teamed with George Johnson's gigantic 'fro to form a center tandem that led the Warriors to the NBA title in 1975. But at the point guard position, has there ever been a MVW (Most Valuable Whiskers) candidate to beat these two? We can't think of one.

Small wonder then that Dirk Nowitzki is struggling against the Warriors so far. If this is what passes for a beard in Germany, it's no wonder the Mavericks are down 3-1. On Monday, Dallas coach Avery Johnson boldly addressed the beard issue, and did not pull any punches.

"I'm tired of hearing about how they've taken him out of his game and any lack of confidence. You're just not supposed to have that, all right," said Johnson of Nowitzki. "I wasn't the best of players and didn't have the best of skills, but you were not going to shake my confidence. We need all of our players to be confident, to be resilient, to be persistent and that's what I want to see tomorrow. If I don't see it at shootaround, I'm going to be highly upset."

OK, technically not about beards, but we can read between the lines. Will the Mavericks be able to muster enough facial hair to stave off early elimination? Stay tuned.

Mavs Coach Angry With Nowitzki's Attitude [MSNBC]

• The D Is For Dirk!. How's your German? Before long we will all be ruled by Dirk Nowitzki ... his master plan included sacrificing teammate Jerry Stackhouse with two flagrant fouls on Tuesday, and a season-high 38 points. It all meant a 108-105 win by the Mavericks over the Jazz. Stackhouse was ejected at the end of the third quarter. Nowitzki hit a pair of free throws with 10.2 seconds remaining to wrap it up.

• Is There An 'L', Pat? Pau Gasol's 25 points and 13 rebounds, and Mike Miller's 14 points in the third quarter led the Memphis Grizzlies over the Los Angeles Lakers 128-118. That's right, Grizzlies over Lakers. Memphis scored 42 points in the third quarter, a franchise record.

• San Antonio Keeps On Keeping On. The Spurs just look more and more like they're expecting to still be standing when all of this is over. Not flashy, just incredibly efficient. Tim Duncan's 16 points led San Antonio's 98-84 victory over Portland. Oh, another factor in the Spurs' success? They can knock you down with magic!

• The Artist Currently Known As Prince. So Larry, sure you don't want to step in and coach these guys? It must have seemed like old times for Brown, viewing the game from a luxury box, as Tayshaun Prince scored a career-high 33 points and Richard Hamilton had 22 to lead Detroit to a 98-89 win over Philadelphia. Hamilton scored his 10,000th career point in the second quarter.

NOTE: Check out MSNBC's NBA home page. Notice antything odd this morning?

Update: They've fixed it, obviously.

• Dirk Is OK, Folks. Despite an early Dirk Nowitzki panic (the Mavericks forward left in the first quarter with "blurred vision"), Dallas continued its magical winning ways, beating the Raptors 117-98 for its 11th straight win. Josh Howard scored 26 points for the Mavs. Nowitzki said that he expects to play Friday against Sacramento. Owner Mark Cuban seems to be pretty much ignoring the streak on his blog, by the way, instead making sure that you choose the right TV for that special Christmas gift.

• All That Jazz. The losing streak is over! Utah (13-2) tops San Antonio to end the nightmare that was a stretch of two consecutive losses.

• Net Gains. Another losing streak ended (six games) as Vince Carter scored 23 points and Jason Kidd had 19 to lead the Nets over the Celtics 106-103.

• Magic Ink. OK, Dwight Howard scored 24 points and had 12 rebounds to lead the Magic over the SuperSonics, 94-84, for their fifth straight win. But that's not the real story. Before the game, Dan Steinberg of D.C. Sports Blog unraveled the startling mystery of Gilbert Arenas' latest tattoo. Enjoy the journalism here.

• The Sun Also Rises. Phoenix almost blew a 22-point lead, but Steve Nash simply would not let that happen ... not on his watch. His eight points during a 19-5 fourth-quarter run led the Suns to a 102-91 win over the Rockets.