OK, this end of the couch is the Raiders—ta da! Mike Vick on the Raiders: how about that?

OK, now—swoop!—he's on the TV stand, and the TV stand is the Vikings, and that Tonka truck we just knocked off the TV stand is Tarvaris Jackson. Poor Tarvaris!

This is why there's no point in pre-thinking about the NFL. Till yesterday, the argument about Vick came down to one of two propositions: he would sign with a team that knew what it was doing, or he would sign with a team that did not know what it was doing. If he was still valuable, the Patriots or Ravens would find something useful for him to do; if he was a scatter-armed has-been, the Raiders or Vikings would take him. The signing itself would settle most of the questions.

So, naturally, he goes and signs with the Eagles. Do the Eagles ever know what they're doing? This is not a rhetorical question. This is an actual ongoing mystery.

It is possible that the Eagles, having rallied to last year's NFC championship game after humiliating Donovan McNabb with his mid-season, mid-game benching, have decided to ratchet up the cruelty of their psyops another notch—that McNabb, back-stabbed once already, will raise his game even further to avoid being back-stabbed again, this time with a prison-sharpened toothbrush. That would be dumb.

It is also possible that the Eagles, whose offense consists of having one brilliant five-foot-eight guy catch or carry the ball 60 times a game, are keeping Vick around to take over the catch-and-run duties when Brian Westbrook's limbs finally fall off from overuse. That would be sort of smart.

Or maybe Andy Reid will forget that he even has Vick on the roster, and then, in the third quarter of a game in Week 12, will absent-mindedly send him into the game to punt. That would be the Eagles.

PHOTO: VIa SI via Getty Images

"He should. All it was was dogs. They act like they don't even like pit bulls. That's the funny thing about it. I got pit bulls. I got to put them under a different breed just to travel. You can't fly pit bulls nowhere.

"It's not even like they were fighting cocker spaniels or something they like. They don't even so much care about pit bulls. Nobody."

So if I'm understanding this correctly, if it's a breed such as pit bulls that no one likes then it's ok to fight them? I'm building my hockey mom ring right now.

Joey Porter Senses a Pit Bull Paradox [The Sporting Blog]

Today, just a few days after he called the Eagles' PR office, Daulerio showed up at his office and was greeted by James Clark, a "security representative" of the NFL. (He was an unannounced guest.) And he had all kinds of questions.

Mr. Clark and I had about 10 minutes of conversation that he wrote down on his yellow notepad, most of which was me explaining how I found nothing in any of the conversations I'd had with other people that was worth reporting. However, Mr. Clark explained that the league had received a call from the Eagles, and that this is what the NFL does in certain criminal matters — regardless of how, in this case, unfounded or questionable the source of the allegations may be.

So, I never published the story— I had nothing, really — and, yet, the NFL felt it had just enough loosely based info to send someone over to check it out without even the courtesy of a phone call. So, either these rumors (with a big, blinking capital "R," remember) have a little more credibility than suspected, or the Eagles are completely paranoid right now and have resorted to public relations buffoonery by turning a non-story into one.

OK, this is kind of a fun game. Everybody, let's come up with "rumors" that we've "heard" about NFL players, and see if we can get James Clark to visit us.

We'll start: "Sources" hear "stories" of Jeff Reed's illegal and rampant cockfighting ring. What will the NFL do about this national disgrace?

The NFL And The Eagles Are Highly Sensitive To All Matters Dog-Related [Philadelphia Magazine]

The details of McNair's situation seem as bad, if not worse, than Michael Vick's.

In March 1994, police in the New Jersey Borough of Paulsboro shot and killed a pit bull for biting and locking onto a neighborhood dog. They suspected the dog belonged to McNair, and discovered six more chained in his yard. He agreed to move them. On March 30, 1996, McNair was charged with cruelty to animals, failure to obtain licenses and keeping animals for the purpose of fighting on his property in East Greenwich, N.J. Animal control officers found up to 22 pit bulls, including 17 adults and five puppies. "I've never seen anything like it," Gloucester County officer Charles Barone told the Philadelphia Daily News in a story dated April 4, 1996. Police Chief William Giordano told the newspaper: "These conditions are deplorable."

The Rocky Mountain News reported later that year that the dogs were attached to heavy automobile towing chains. Some of the dogs were found in standing water, and many were scarred. Several had fresh wounds and one had a broken leg.

McNair has already paid his fines and served his probation, so we don't quite understand the notion of firing him, as some have called for. But we certainly have a better idea now how that whole USC running back logjam resolved itself: Halfback fights!

Southern Cal Now Engulfed In An Ugly Dog Cruelty Scandal [Bruins Nation]

On Thursday Vick got his first taste of the legal process when he was served with a summons courtesy of the U.S. Marshals. Tommy Lee Jones was unavailable for comment so we'll go with the next best thing, The Smoking Gun.

The Smoking Gun has learned. The Atlanta Falcons quarterback, 27, was processed in the marshals office in the U.S. District Court in Richmond (Vick apparently slipped unnoticed into the building). Along with posing for mug shots, Vick had his various tattoos photographed by a marshal.

Vick Protests In New York City
Mug Shots, Fingerprints For Vick

• Vick cancels youth football camp: The good news is that registration is now open for Michael Vick's Youth Dog-Fighting Camp.

• Falcons owner sends out letter to fans: "...[The] current public situation concerning Michael Vick puts us in a particularly difficult spot because of the daily attention it is receiving in the media, and our inability to respond because we don't yet have all the facts with which to deal."

• Bills linebacker Josh Stamer piles on: "I think anyone who involves themselves in [dog-fighting] should be thrown in jail." (h/t: Fanhouse)

• There were rumors — since debunked — that there was a mass animal grave found on Vick's property. But what does it say that everyone was perfectly quick to believe it?

• Vick reportedly had a "dog yard" in South Carolina that investigators are looking into. (h/t: Pro Football Talk)

• The local prosecutor says the Feds joining the fray won't keep him from doing his own investigation. Yes, but perhaps a little comp will inspire him to do his own investigation better.

• And the capper: Vick's cousin, Davon Boddie, says the entire thing is just a conspiracy.
— D.S.

"He's a pit bull fighter," the source says of Vick. "He's one of the ones that they call 'the big boys:' that's who bets a large dollar. And they have the money to bet large money. As I'm talking about large money — $30,000 to $40,000 — even higher. He's one of the heavyweights."

As deplorable as most of us find dog fighting, doesn't a man have a right to find something he's good at? At his day job, Vick's just a guy with a QB rating lower than that of Eli Manning, Jon Kitna, and David Garrard. But in the pit? Michael Vick is a heavyweight. He's not unlike any average accountant out there who spends all day getting hassled by his boss, but at night, on his own time, finds comfort in the fact that he's the most accomplished snuff film director in the entire county.

Source: Vick 'one of the heavyweights' in dogfighting [ESPN.com]

Via ProFootballTalk, Chris Landry of Fox Sports says Ray Buchanan, a former teammate of Vick's, told him some things that make Vick's "I don't know anything about this" defense even less credible. From PFT:

Said Landry of his discussion with Buchanan: "He tells me that Michael has been into this dog fighting for so long that . . . .he not only knew about, he is behind all of it, he's paying for all of it. . . . Apparently, he's into it big time."

Landry also said that Vick was actively recruiting teammates to become involved in the "sport." The audio of the Landry interview can be heard right here.

Ah, Michael. If only he'd have realized how much better this situation would've been for everyone if he had just the rabid, bloodthirsty dogs fight his little brother.

Rumor Mill [ProFootballTalk.com]