More on the Hail Mary Kid later, but first a field report from La Crosse, Wisconsin.

So I'm with some friends at Oktoberfest in La Crosse, Wis. For those not from the flyover states, it's a festival of public drunkenness in which people try to prove they are the biggest drunken asshole in a sea of 100,000 drunken assholes.

We were at a bar Saturday night and this guy walked in, complete with a Jared Allen-type mullet. Obviously I had to snap a picture with my phone.

A different guy I work with (also from Wisconsin) has continued to maintain he doesn't care about Favre on the Vikings. Today he simply updated his Twitter with "Favre: Go to hell."

I can only guess how Sunday's events impacted mullet/jersey guy, but yeah, Wisconsin isn't taking this well.

-Elliot, Minneapolis, Minn.

It reminds me of the immortal words of Alec "Genuine Class" Guinness, who said: "Who is the bigger d-bag? The d-bag or the d-bag who announces to the world that he is a d-bag by writing in on the back of his shirt? Or Brett Favre?"

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Speaking of Wisconsin, I think my blood is 40% cheese right now. Welcome to Monday in the flyover states.

While the top 10 is naturally dominated by those stuffy Ivy League tools, most of your favorites are represented. Texas, Arizona State, the OSU, Our Lady of Catholic Touchdowns. And yes, of course. The Blue Devils. We are talking about a school that makes you sit through a 12-minute "comedy" sketch about James Bond—in which the actor playing James Bond cannot be bothered to fake an English accent—for a two-second glimpse of Jon Scheyer and Coach K pretending they're with the cool kids. Are you sure you only want to rank them No. 2? (Numero Uno was Brown. They don't give out grades or something.)

Anyway, while we think we've had enough of all the vinegar and water references, this linkbait is the perfect way to piss off a certain segment of the population and I can certainly support that. Today, we beat up on a 12-year-old and reminded the world about that guy who jacks it in libraries. I think our work is done here.

AMERICA'S 25 DOUCHIEST COLLEGES [GQ]

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Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and dooshbags everywhere. Barry P, who always has that fresh feeling, will be here soon. Stay wet, my friends.

But what Walker was caught stealing (hey alright) is a cause for great consternation, even to those of us who may have at one point dated a woman so unclean that seagulls would nosedive at her feet the moment she stepped outside. According to the Richmond Register, the stolen contents stuffed inside Walker's backpack were "a cell phone battery charger, a box of douches and a bottle of feminine hygiene spray."

He may be better off in prison.

Grand Jury to hear football player's case [Richmond Register]
Eastern Kentucky Player Steals, Is, Douchebag [EDBS]

So says "Goal Setting Guru," motivational speaker and all-around-Douchey-McDoucherson Sean Smith, who put out a press release yesterday saying Carroll doomed his team to failure by talking up UCLA so much pre-game.

"As soon as Coach Carroll told the media early in the week that UCLA was going to be their toughest opponent of the year," says Smith, "he made the game much more difficult for his players. The Trojans had all week long to focus on how good the Bruins are and how hard the game would be. So as Saturday's kickoff neared, the team had been sufficiently programmed for defeat."

"What I wish more people understood is that whatever you choose to focus on in any arena, whether it's success or failure, your unconscious mind takes it as a command, as if that's what you're looking for. So by telling yourself what you want to avoid, or by holding onto any negative, limiting thoughts whatsoever, you will always attract difficulty into your life."

As much as we love a good motivational speaker — Smith claims to be "a master at empowering his audiences to overachieve in all areas of their lives," which basically means he gets you shitbags to finally do something with your pathetic lives for through "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" — we have a feeling that Smith might be, oh, pulling random shards of nonsense from his anal canal. We nevertheless would like to see Smith get his hands on Eli Manning; "You must visualize victory through minimizing our Goal Setting Mistakes. Hey, Eli, wake up, would ya?"

USC Trojans Head Coach Programmed His Team To Lose [PR Web] (via Displaced Trojan)