Dylan Stableford writes occasionally about tennis for Deadspin. It's called "Droppin' Deuce With Dylan Stableford."

Last night's heavyweight card at the U.S. Open—the best of this year's tourney by far—didn't disappoint. In a battle of big ball smackers with, as we've pointed out numerous times,incredibly hot girlfriends, Serbian impressionist Novak Djokovic outlasted Andy Roddick in front of his relatively reserved home crowd—Brooklyn Decker, new coach Patrick McEnroe, old coach Jimmy Connors, Regis Philbin (who spent crucial points in the third set reading a fucking book)— 6-2, 6-3, 3-6, 7-6, with a combination of hard angles and defensive lobs-turned-winners driven by, apparently, rage over some offhanded comments Roddick had made about Djovokic faking injuries.

Via Djokovic's post-match, on-court interview with Michael Barkann:

"You know, Andy was saying I have 16 injuries in the last match …Obviously, I don't—right? … That's not nice, anyhow, to say in front of the crowd that I have 16 injuries and that I'm faking it."

Djokovic, who dazzled the Flushing faithful last year with his hysterical impressions of fellow players on the tour (he does a pretty good Roddick; YouTube that shit if you haven't seen it before was immediately pummeled with boos. (So much for the goodwill, Screech!)

He later tried to apologize: "I made maybe a mistake by saying that in front of 20,000 people in his city and his favorite tournament."

No matter. Heading his Saturday semifinal showdown with Roger Federer, the Swiss string-master might as well've been born and raised in Queens, 'cuz Djokovic will be about as loved as John Rocker on a 7 train.

In the other Saturday semi, weather permitting, Rafael Nadal will face Andy "Five-Set Prone" Murray, setting up Nike/Don King/CBS dream showdown: Rafa-Roger III. As the Mannings say, it'll be on like Donkey Kong.

On the women's side of the draw, Jelena Jankovic slapped Elena Dementieva (Rick Chandler's favorite) in straight sets, and will face the winner of tonight's match between Dinara Safina and Serena Williams. (The mere sight of her across the net has to be intimidating to other chicks on the WTA Tour. The only difference between Williams and Brandon Jacobs at this point is a helmet.)

Bonus for reading this far: In the girls' draw, 16-year-old Coco Vandeweghe—niece of Kiki—won her quarterfinal match to reach the semis. This is apropos of nothing. I just like saying "Coco Vandeweghe."

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal have looked solid and semi-solid on the hardcourts of Queens, respectively, while James Blake needed five sets to beat Pokey Reese-doppelganger Donald Young in round one and a Belgian with a back injury, who retired, in round two. Next up, Blake plays his bearded compatriot Mardy Fish in a match that is sure to be
filled with awkward anecdotes from Ted Robinson on their torrid bromance.

But Novak Djovokic and Andy Roddick (whose first round opponent, the pesky Fabrice Santoro, melted down in a bizarre tantrum after nearly taking one of Roddick's 147 m.p.h. fastballs on the chin) are playing well enough to ensure proper media attention will be paid to their respectively hot girlfriends.

It's that time of year again. A time when swaths of Serbians, blistering backhands, awkward celebrity interviews and nimble ball boys invade Queens. A time when tennis—tennis!—takes New Yorkers' attention away from the Mets, Yankees, Bret Favre, blogging and the Hamptons for two weeks. Here's what to expect during this year's Flushing fortnight.

THE MEN

Federer-Nadal

A Federer-Nadal final will not happen. Tennis thinks it has its new rivalry. (When Nike hires Don King to trumpet Federer-Nadal like Tyson-Holyfield as "Grapple in the Apple," you know the sport is banking on a sustained battle—maybe without the ear-biting.)

The problem is, Rafa—as he's known for some reason—just isn't that good on hardcourts. He complains about them. He wraps his knees like Tom Berenger in Major League. And for all of his supposed fitness, he tires at the end of the summer like a Dick Enberg montage.

But Nadal's historic late season malaise isn't the only problem with anointing the next Agassi-Sampras. For the first time in five years, Federer has looked … human. He lost in the Australian Open semis, revealed he had contracted mono, got manhandled by Nadal at the French, and, of course, lost the seven-hour, five-set epic with Nadal in the Wimbledon final which, if it weren't for a rain delay, wouldn't have been so epic.

At the Olympics, Federer lost in straight sets to perennial disappointment James Blake before Blake was ousted in the semis. (More on that in a minute.)

Not to mention Federer's lost twice—twice!—in opening rounds this year. Still, it's hard to pick against a Nadal-Federer final in any major tournament. Especially when the rest of the men's field has its set of own problems.

The hot girlfriend box

Most male tennis players have them, holed up in their boxes, with USA cameras fixed on their every reaction. And two of the top seeds on the men's side—Serbian jokester Novak Djokovic and Andy "Sleeve-Picking" Roddick—have two of the hottest: Djokovic and Paraguayan Olympic javelin thrower Leryn Franco (sample tennis
blog headline: "Djokovic Wins the Girlfriend Olympics"); Roddick and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. Why does this matter? It's about motivation. And you have to question whether or not dudes with girlfriends this hot are motivated enough to win.

Blake

James Blake will shock everyone and win. There's no reason to expect this. None. He's had an uneven year—and that's being charitable. His biggest win came against Federer in Beijing, and Blake promptly went out the next day and lost to someone named Fernando Gonzalez 4-6, 7-5, 11-9—complaining after the match that Gonzalez didn't call a ball out on himself. And at the Open, he's on Nadal's side of the draw.

Sleepers. Juan Martin Del Potro and Fabrice Santoro. Del Porto's Argentinean, he's 19 and he's won four straight tournaments, 19 matches in a row. Granted, he hasn't faced a top five player in that span, but who cares? He's got two first names and a "del" thrown in there. Santoro, the pesky French "Magician," is like playing against a human backboard. Roddick gets him in the first round.

The Women

Sorry, fellas. There's no chance of Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic all making out and rolling around on stadium court again this year. That's because Sharapova is out with a shoulder injury that her father Yuri no doubt blames on the lack of bananas in her diet. That leaves Ivanovic, the world's shakiest number one (she won the French but failed to get out of the third round at Wimbeldon). In an odd but refreshing bit of seeding, the Williams sister can't meet in a final this year. They'll have to settle for an unwatchable quarterfinal.

Sleepers

I found one! Five-foot-three Dominika Cibulkova, who ESPN calls "a tiny Slovak with a big heart," has registered upsets over Venus Williams, Jelena Jankovic and Elena Dementieva this year. And China's Li Na, who can claim the shortest name on the WTA Tour, beat Venus in Beijing.

Note to Deadspin tennis fans: I'll be out at the U.S. Open all week. Drop me a line if you'd like to share a $12 beer or ogle Serbian women on the practice courts!