I graduated in '97. Skipped my five year and was dragged to my tenth, where I had a surprisingly great time. It certainly wasn't dull.

First was the party itself. It was kind of amusing that my rather well-to-do Catholic school had our reunion in the party room of a Comfort Inn. The planning committee did a decent job- most importantly, it was an OPEN BAR. Cheap liquor and light beer, but when some pack of girls is asking you to do a lemon drop with them or you're on your third (fifth...whatever) gin and tonic, does it really matter?

I sat at a table with a few people I was friends with. Along with my then-girlfriend, I was next to my best friend and his wife. A friend of ours from the lunch table senior year joined us. Then a guy I sat next to in jazz band and his wife. Another guy we were friendly with sat down...with his life partner. No one batted an eye. Maybe we'd grown up.

After dinner, there were the usual awkward conversations, attempts at dancing, group photos. It's amazing how cliques still cling to each other. I was surprised at the number of people who didn't recognize or even remember me, one of whom I used to do homework with on the phone. Being a natural degenerate, I gravitated to the comfort of the bar rail for a good portion of the night, letting people come to me. The drinks flowing led to some interesting conversations, like the one I had with the son of the Cleveland Indians beat writer. One of my fondest HS memories was when he turned around and punched me in history class during our junior year. He was actually a pretty nice guy.

Not to mention the alcohol-induced benefits of buttons coming undone, cleavage coming out, shirts riding up, and other wardrobe malfunctions. The wife of the guy I was in band with was kind of a flirt, and oh yes, did she have a tramp stamp. At one point in the evening, she was openly hitting on my best friend, right in front of his wife. (They were both too sauced to notice, more on this later.) Two minutes later, she was talking to me and actually scratching at my chest.

The evening wore past 11, and my best friend and his wife were absolutely blotto. At one point they were dancing on the parquet…to no music. They were staying in the hotel upstairs, so I tried to herd them out of the party and into the elevator. Not too tough. The hallway to their room was another story. I fireman-carried each of them 50 feet at a time; at one point the wife was on all fours trying to wedge her head into the ice machine. This took me about 20 minutes, and I came downstairs to a very pissed-off girlfriend.

Her: Where the hell have you been? I want to go home!

Me: Um, we've got a problem.

She would be even more unhappy when we had to help get the two of them to bed, as they were puking their guts out by the time we got back upstairs. It took over two years for my best friend to apologize.

We finally got back just as the reunion was letting out. It felt like things were just getting interesting. The final capper to the night happened as we walked through the lobby. A guy and his girl (or a hooker) had finished up a very obvious and very quick booty call, and were trying to see if they could get out of there with a reduced rate —Via Juancho

Note: Photo above is not from said reunion. No, it's from Googling "high school reunion drunk." Close enough.

Looks like a whole hell of a lot of fun if you ask me, which you didn't. Of course, a trip to the Kentucky Derby infield wouldn't be complete without porta-potty racing. We've discussed the phenomenon before, but check out yesterday's action, complete with racing girls and flying chairs.

Also be sure to check out Spencer Hall's superb Derby wrap-up over at The Sporting Blog; it's Orson's world, we're just lucky to live in it.

Photo Credits:
Spencer Hall/The Sporting Blog
Cameron Smith/SPORTSbyBROOKS
AP/Charlie Riedel
Busted Coverage
Yes But No But Yes
Jack Fleming

So many questions, so little time. When did this happen? Why did this happen? Where did this happen? Who the hell is the drunken boob, why is he wearing a $20,000 white suit, and is he really, as the video alleges, a billionaire? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Update: Should've guessed — Viral marketing. (HT: John)

Update #2: Ethan Jaynes of NESW Sports has figured out that it's probably a Converse viral marketing campaign.

This kid was returning from the dentist, where, it appears, he was given a generous helping of happy gas. Remember that feeling, my young friend; lest your future be filled with restroom stall door collisions.

Greatest part: How he just conks out at the end. I wonder if they drove Phelps home in a car seat?

Little Boy Is Faded After The Dentist [Phil Knows Best]

As soon as this man—whom we'll call Al Davis Jr.—got home on Sunday night, he fired off a strongly worded email to the NFL, the Buccaneers, the Tampa Sports Authority, and our sister site Consumerist, who posted the full email on their site. The gist—a Raiders fan from New Jersey was non-belligerently enjoying the final regular season game in Tampa, when he was rudely and unfairly ejected simply for applauding Oakland's first touchdown.

I feel like I was personally singled out due to my team affiliation, and this was totally unwarranted. I was not intoxicated or found to be in possession of any illegal substances. I was not being verbally or physically abusive to any other fans or players. There were no requests to adjust my behavior prior to this either, which was not causing an issue as multiple witnesses can attest to.

Sounds pretty bad. Well, Al Jr. got a response from the Tampa Sports Authority and he sent it to us, along with his response to their response.

We are sorry that you did not have the experience that you expected to have here at Raymond James Stadium during the Raiders game. We seek to offer each fan a positive experience.

Your inquiry, however, cannot be addressed by our staff due to your ejection by the Tampa Police Department. The TPD records indicate that you were intoxicated and caused a disturbance by cussing and instigating fights, thus your questions must be directed to them, now. Please call *** at ********* and he will respond to your concerns".

So now it's he said, he said. (And cussing! In front of children, no doubt.) So what did he say ... ?

So lets assume that I was in fact intoxicated and causing a disturbance by cursing and instigating fights. I feel like the worst decision would have been to release me outside of the stadium. I would hope that individuals acting in the manner described above were either arrested or detained until they were settled down. Tossing a drunk person trying to start fights back out into the public doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

Like i said before though, I wasn't drunk. I did have a couple beers outside of the stadium, but I wasn't drinking inside the stadium. I was not breathalyzed or given a field sobriety test by the officers, so I'm not sure how they made that determination.

I'll admit I probably cursed at some point in the first quarter and a half of the game. I wasn't directing it at any fans, but I'm sure a "F*uck yeah!" as the Raiders forced another punt popped out at some point. I would have felt it was totally reasonable for someone from the Tampa Bay staff to pull me out my seat, and ask me to adjust my language. [Emphasis added]

Ahhhh ... so now the story is changing a bit. Maybe he did have a couple of beers and maybe a "fuck yeah" or ten?

It would make no sense for me to instigate fights. I was a stand-alone Raider fan with two Buccaneer friends and a neutral friend with me in what I think may have been a Tampa Bay season ticket holder section. I cannot imagine anything dumber than trying to pick a fight when I was completely surrounded by Bucs fans. After the first 3 minutes of the game, I didn't speak to a single Bucs fan, but was thrown out immediately after the Raiders first scored with 10 minutes left in the 2nd quarter.

If I may play devil's advocate: One might argue that being a Raider's fan makes no sense, but we all know that community's legendary reputation for decorum and restraint. Also, the above picture was included in the latest email, apparently as some sort of proof of this person's soundness of judgment.

I don't know if this was a joke or not either, but I was initially let out of the cell and after they typed some info into a computer, they asked if I was aware of any outstanding immigration violations. They put me back int the cell and then let me out a few minutes later and asked if I had ever gone by the names "Esteban" or "Emmanuel". Once I assured them I hadn't they took me out of the stadium, but I felt like that was just a very weird exchange.

The pic I attached is from a tailgating group who let my friends and me join them before the game. It seems like I was able to get along pretty well with a group of hardcore Bucs fans. Still haven't heard anything from the NFL or the Bucs.

So let's examine the evidence again:

• A Raider's fan
• From New Jersey
• Wearing an innertube
• Probably swearing
• Possibly using an alias
• Definitely drinking Natural Ice

I'm starting to think Al Jr. got off easy.

Tampa Bay Handcuffs And Ejects You For Rooting For The Opposing Football Team [Consumerist]

The Sydney Morning Telegraph reports:

Valentin Maslakov, Russia's head coach, said: "By competing in such a condition, he has disgraced all Russian track and field athletes. I will ask our federation to suspend Ukhov for a year."

Why was he drunk? Well, with refreshing candor, his manager says: "There's no denying that Ivan was drunk, but he had a fight with his girlfriend and was also upset at failing to qualify for the Olympics."

Of course. And now, once more, the jump.

Boozy jumper in strife after quarrel with bar [Sydney Morning Herald]
Drunk jumper soon to be drunk bum [With Leather]

Russian high jumper accused of jumping under the influence of red bull and vodka [FanHouse]

A British Olympic Association spokeswoman said: "He was at London House yesterday celebrating his achievements and rolled over the bonnet of a parked taxi that was waiting outside.

"The driver was not very happy and got out and there were some police officers already there who spoke to the driver. It ended up very good-natured with photos being taken of him, the driver and his medals."

So he was out with his medals? Is this common?

Olympic hero's drunken celebration [Lancashire Evening Post]

Do you know how much vodka it would take to get a horse drunk? Those bastards have to weight about 1,000 pounds. Unless the guy used a fire hose to pump the vodka into the horse for about 90 minutes, I'll remain unconcerned about the horse's health. In fact, I will remain unconcerned about the horse under most, if not all, circumstances.

If horses are athletes, then I say we start treating them as such. If it's wrong for Maurice Clarett to get his goose on, then it's wrong for Mr. Ed, too. If Brian Urlacher showed up vodka-drunk to a playoff game, would be chastise the bartender who put the vodka in him? No sir. No, it's time to put the blame here exactly where it belongs ... on these spoiled, millionaire, thug horses.

What kind of message does this send to all the young colts and fillies out there? That it's OK to show up for your job drunk? Someone's got to get these horses under control, or they're going to start throwing basketballs and gentle slaps at one another.

Hair of the horse? [SI.com]
Yep, horses do respond to Vodka. (We know you've been wondering) [The Big Picture]

No one has complained publicly about seeing Sutton water the plants outside the school, which has to mean that no one saw him do it, because seeing Eddie Sutton's johnson is something you'd have to assume that anyone would complain about it.

The video was taken 14 months ago, and at least one policeman was unable to confirm the nature of the bottle that Sutton was holding. "It could have been ice tea. Who knows?" said the copper.

Yeah, that's always the first thing I think when I see a guy peeing on a middle school. "He's probably all tanked up on Lipton."

Peeing on a School? [Sports. Music. Blog.]
Video Showed Sutton Holding Bottle [NewsOK.com]

That is a lot. But unfortunately for Coach Sutton, it falls just short of cracking the Top 15 in the BadJocks BAC Ranking of Athletes. It falls short of Charles Woodson's .24 when he was arrested at his own charity golf tournament, or Fairfield University football coach Joe Bernard's .23, when he rammed his car into five different parked cars.

So it's fortunate that the coach didn't cause more damage than he did. And I wish the best of luck to his rehab counselors.

Eddie Sutton charged with DUI after .22 test [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
BadJocks BAC Ranking of Athletes [BadJocks.com]

"We don't want to risk our core mission of rocking out and bringing funk to the funkless."

Yes. Yes he did.

Stanford Tree Fired For Alleged Drunkenness [SF Gate]