JANUARY
Hamas wins elections. Jazz owner Larry Miller pulls Brokeback Mountain from his Utah theater chain when he realizes it's about a gay romance. Coach Janky Spanky makes his triumphant debut. LeBron James' mother is arrested for a DUI and maced. Samuel Alito is confirmed as a Supreme Court justice. Ariel Sharon suffers a massive stroke. Kobe Bryant scores 81 points in a game. Coretta Scott King and Chris Penn die. "ESPN Hollywood" is canceled. Isiah Thomas is sued for sexual harassment. Vince Young and Texas beat USC to win the mythical college football national championship. Sen. Barack Obama tells Tim Russert on "Meet The Press" that he will not run for President in 2008. The Black Table closes up shop.
FEBRUARY
Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face. The one billionth song is downloaded on iTunes. (It's a Coldplay song.) Johnny Weir is the one interesting person in the Winter Olympics. Bretty Friedan, Curt Gowdy and Don Knotts die. The Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Al Michaels is traded to NBC for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. A Denmark newspaper runs a cartoon of Muhammad, sparking violent protests. Big Ben drinks like a champion.
MARCH
Bud Selig commissions The Mitchell Report. Kirby Puckett dies. Adam Morrison cries. "Top Chef" and "Big Love" debut. "Arrested Development" is canceled. Crash wins Best Picture. "Game Of Shadows" hits the stands. An exotic dancer accuses members of the Duke lacrosse team with rape. Jack Abramoff is sentenced. Japan wins the World Baseball Classic. George Mason beats Connecticut to reach the Final Four.
APRIL
Tom DeLay steps down as House majority leader. Suri Cruise is born. Florida beats UCLA to win the NCAA tournament. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals draft Matt Leinart. Stephen Colbert skewers President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Former Illinois Gov. George Ryan is found guilty of racketeering. "You're With Me, Leather" is unleashed.
MAY
"The Hills" debuts. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills separate. Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth on the all-time home run chart. Tiger Woods' father dies, as do Ironhead Heyward and the last Titanic survivor. Barbaro wins the Kentucky Derby but suffers a broken leg at the Preakness. People send emails to Barbaro. Taylor Hicks wins American Idol. Enron executives are convicted. Katie Couric leaves the "Today" show. Carl Monday pesters Mike Cooper. David Blaine attempts to break the world record for holding his breath, but gives up at the seven minute mark. Stuart Scott hosts the proceedings. Henry Paulson is nominated as Secretary of the Treasury. Rick Sutcliffe commends George Clooney for solving that thing.
JUNE
The World Cup begins. The Miami Heat beat the Dallas Mavericks to win the NBA title. Ben Roethlisberger crashes his motorcycle. Abu Musab al-Zarqaqi is killed. The Carolina Hurricanes win the Stanley Cup. Phil Mickelson blows a lead in the US Open. Bill Gates steps down as Microsoft chairman. JJ Redick is arrested for drunk driving. The Senate rejects a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage by a 49-48 vote. Ozzie Guillen calls Jay Mariotti a "fag."
JULY
Floyd Landis flunks a drug test. OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" video goes "viral." Italy wins the World Cup, and Zidane headbutts someone whose name you don't remember. Ken Lay dies. Northwestern football coach Randy Walker dies of a heart attack. Harold Reynolds is fired by ESPN for "inappropriate behavior." Seven train explosions kill 186 people in Mumbai. Mel Gibson is arrested for drunk driving and makes several anti-Semetic remarks.
AUGUST
Pluto is demoted. Bruno Kirby dies. Tony Kornheiser debuts on "Monday Night Football." The FDA approves the morning-after pill. Spinach starts killing people. Chuck Klosterman's "Chuck Klosterman IV" is released. John Mark Karr confesses to murdering JonBenet Ramsey but is lying. Scott Van Pelt courts a lady.
SEPTEMBER
Jason Whitlock is fired by ESPN after an interview with The Big Lead. Steve Irwin is stabbed in the heart by a stingray. Tony Blair announces he will resign. Terrell Owens maybe tries to commit suicide. Katie Couric takes over the "CBS Evening News." Borat explodes at the Toronto Film Festival. Mark Foley quits the House after sexting male Congressional aides. "Fear Factor" goes off the air.
OCTOBER
President Bush admits the Iraq war is "not going well." Red Auerbach and Buck O'Neil die. "30 Rock" and "Friday Night Lights" premiere. Google buys YouTube. ESPN tells its radio affiliates to ignore "underground" websites. The U.S. population reaches 300 million. Cory Lidle crashes his plane into a Manhattan high rise. Harold Reynolds sues ESPN. The St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series, and it is fricking awesome.
NOVEMBER
Michael Irvin says Tony Romo must have had a great, great, great, great Grandma who "pulled one of them studs up outta the barn." Ted Haggard resigns as leader of the New Life Church after admitting to "sexual immorality" and buying crystal meth. Saddam Hussein is found guilty. Robert Altman, Bo Schembechler and Jack Palance die. Democrats take over Congress and Nancy Pelosi becomes the first female Speaker of the House. The Nintendo Wii is released. Alexander Litvinenko is poisoned. "You're With Me, Leather" shows up on the television show "Las Vegas." To this day, no one has claimed credit.
DECEMBER
Saddam Hussein is executed. Gerald Ford, James Brown, Lamar Hunt and Peter Boyle die. Bob Knight ties Dean Smith for most wins in college basketball. Hugo Chavez is re-elected. The American death toll in Iraq reaches 3,000. The Red Sox outbid the Yankees for Dice-K. Robert Gates takes over as Secretary of Defense. Tiger Woods and his wife Elin announce they are expecting their first child.

Tiger Woods
You know, I don't even know what more I can say at this point. Just refresh TMZ every 20 minutes, and you can get up to speed.

"No comment, no comment. No comment no comment no comment. No comment. No comment! No, comment...No comentnocommentnocomment!"

JANUARY
George W. Bush begins his second term as President of the United States. Johnny Carson dies. The Eagles finally win the NFC Championship Game. Auburn finishes the season undefeated, but USC beats Oklahoma to win the BCS "title." Randy Johnson, on his way to his first press conference as a member of the New York Yankees, shoves a cameraman. Presidents Clinton and Bush Sr. raise money for tsunami relief together.
FEBRUARY
Unable to come to a labor agreement with the players, the NHL cancels its season. Ossie Davis and Max Schmeling die. The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, and Donovan McNabb pukes. An earthquake devastates Iran. North Korea says it has nuclear weapons. President Bush asks for $81.9 billion in Iraq funds. Hunter S. Thompson kills himself.
MARCH
A man named Brian Nichols kills three people in an Atlanta courthouse and escapes, taking a hostage and ultimately surrendering when the hostage "appealed to [his] better nature." Dan Rather retires. The US version of "The Office" debuts. Congressional steroid hearings commence, with Mark McGwire saying he wasn't here to talk about the past and Sammy Sosa pretending he didn't speak English and Rafael Palmeiro totally lying. Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom is found guilty of securities fraud. Congress intervenes in the case of Terri Schiavo, who had lived in a vegetative state for 15 years, before her feeding tube is finally disconnected. Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg die. Illinois makes a wild comeback against Arizona in the NCAA Tournament, cheered on by an orange-clad Bill Murray.
APRIL
Pope John Paul II dies, and Joseph Ratzinger is installed as his replacement. Andrea Dworkin and Sam Mills also die. North Carolina beats Illinois to win the NCAA championships. A train in Osaka, Japan, derails, killing more than 100 people. Prince Charles remarries. Peter Jennings informs ABC viewers that he has lung cancer. Zacarias Moussaoui pleads guilty to murder but denies that he is the 20th hijacker. Eric Rudolph admits he was the Atlanta Olympics bomber. Tiger Woods wins The Masters.
MAY
Lyndie England pleads guilty. Deep Throat turns out to be an elderly, borderline senile W. Mark Felt. Danica Patrick debuts at the Indianapolis 500. Carrie Underwood wins "American Idol." Tony Blair is re-elected. "Family Guy" returns to the air. Tom Cruise jumps on Oprah's couch, because he is really, really in love.
JUNE
Vice President Dick Cheney says the Iraq insurgency is in its "last throes." Gawker Media's gambling blog, Oddjack, is launched with editor A.J. Daulerio. Canada and Spain legalize gay marriage. Phil Jackson returns to the Lakers. Kenny Rogers — the pitcher, not The Gambler — assaults a cameraman. Anne Bancroft and George Mikan die. SEC chairman William Donaldson resigns. Chuck Klosterman's "Killing Yourself To Live" is published. The Spurs beat the Pistons to win the NBA Finals. Mike Tyson fights for the last time, quitting in the seventh round against someone named Kevin McBride. Mayor Michael Bloomberg's plan to build a stadium for the Jets in Manhattan is officially defeated. Michael Jackson is cleared of molestation charges.
JULY
Sandra Day O'Connor retires, and President Bush nominates John Roberts to replace her. Shortly after being awarded the 2012 Olympic Games, London is attacked by terrorists. The NHL and its players reach agreement on a new contract. Wade Boggs, Ryne Sandberg and Peter Gammons enter the Baseball Hall of Fame. The Knicks hire Larry Brown. The New York Times' Judith Miller is jailed for refusing to give up sources. Lance Armstrong wins his seventh consecutive Tour de France. Luther Vandross dies, as does the guy who played Scotty on "Star Trek."
AUGUST
Katrina hits New Orleans. "Six Feet Under" runs its final episode. (Everybody dies, including Gene Mauch and Peter Jennings.) Rafael Palmeiro tests positive for a banned substance and is suspended. Jessica Canseco poses on the cover of Playboy and informs the world that her ex-husband Jose had small testicles. Al Gore's "Current TV" station launches. Vanilla Ice releases his "Platinum Underground" album, featuring the hits "Ninja Rap 2," "Trailer Park Mullet Wars" and "Tammy Faye." Cindy Sheehan camps outside President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. Sports blog Deadspin launches, with its first post, "Stuart Scott Could Be Yours For $25 Grand (Plus Shipping!)."
SEPTEMBER
New Orleans sinks into chaos, Kanye West informs us that George Bush doesn't care about black people, Anderson Cooper is full of careerist outrage and Brownie is doing a heck of a job. Woody Paige eats dog food on live television. Hurricane Rita hits the Gulf Coast. Simon Weisenthal, Chief Justice Rehnquist and Gilligan die. Britney Spears gives birth. The New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets, or NOOCH, take the court. Afghanistan holds elections. Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die In Peace" is released. Roger Federer beats Andre Agassi in the US Open Finals. Jerry Rice retires.
OCTOBER
54,000 people die in an earthquake in Pakistan. "The Colbert Report" debuts. Kyle Orton bears down. Albert Pujols destroys Brad Lidge. The White Sox win the World Series. Ben Bernanke replaces Alan Greenspan. The American death toll in Iraq reaches 2,000. Scooter Libby is indicted. Charlie Weis and Notre Dame almost beat USC, but they don't. Theo Epstein escapes the Boston press by wearing a gorilla suit and sneaking out of Fenway Park. President Bush nominates friend and non-judge Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Rosa Parks dies. Several Minnesota Vikings commit scary, libidinous acts on a boat around Lake Minnetonka. The St. Louis Cardinals play their last game at the old Busch Stadium. Deadspin opens up its comment section, by invite only.
NOVEMBER
Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders may or may not have been making out with each other in a Tampa bar's bathroom. Pat Morita and George Best die. The Eagles tell Terrell Owens to take the rest of the year off. Angela Merkel is sworn in as the first female president of Germany. Clinton Portis starts wearing costumes to press conferences. Scott Stapp releases a solo album. Major League Baseball changes its steroid punishments: 50 games for first offense, 100 games for second, lifetime ban for third. ESPN hosts a series of fake press conferences with fake GM Steve Phillips taking fake questions from real ESPN reporters.
DECEMBER
Iraq holds elections. Will Leitch's "Catch" is released. Richard Pryor dies. Tookie Williams is executed. Johnny Damon signs with the Yankees. Tony Dungy's son commits suicide. The New York City transit strike paralyzes the city. Oprah goes on Letterman's show. The New York Times reports that the NSA has been spying on American citizens. Gambling blog Oddjack is closed and sold by Gawker Media. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals play their last game at Sun Devil Stadium. The September 11 Commission says the country is "alarmingly vulnerable to terrorists." The "time to make the donuts" guy dies.

Alex Rodriguez
Broke unicorn's hearts.
Kissed a mirror.
Met a Spitzer madam.
Dated alleged actress.
Clutched!
Centaured.

JAY MARIOTTI
Began life as a blogger.
Told Roger Ebert to kiss his ass.
Projected.
Pretended he wasn't a blogger.
Wooed the ladies.
Auto-summarized.
Tossed from bar.
Napped.
Lurked.

JANUARY
Sen. John Kerry surprises pundits by winning the Iowa Democratic Caucus. Howard Dean screams. Southern California wins the Rose Bowl to finish first in the Associated Press end-of-season poll, but Louisiana State wins the mythical BCS title. Michael Jackson pleads not guilty to nine felonies. Freddie Mitchell catches a pass against Green Bay. Jack Paar, Captain Kangaroo and Yinka Dare all die. (In separate incidents.) CIA chief Iraq weapons inspector David Kay resigns. Pete Rose admits he bet on baseball in the horribly named book "My Prison Without Bars." President Bush says we should go back to the moon.
FEBRUARY
Russian President Vladimir Putin fires his entire Cabinet. "Sex And The City" goes off the air; Carrie ends up with Mr. Big. Howard Dean drops out of the Presidential race. Janet Jackson introduces an aghast nation to her saggy right boob. San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom issues marriages licenses to gay couples. The Patriots win their second Super Bowl, over the Carolina Panthers, in a game that was a lot closer than any of us remember it being.
MARCH
Marge Schott and John Henry Williams die, and Spalding Gray's body is found. Terrorist attacks on commuter trains in Spain kill 202 people. Martha Stewart is found guilty of conspiracy and obstruction of justice. Sen. John Kerry wraps up Democratic nomination for President. Will Leitch runs his final Life As A Loser column. Richard Clarke goes on "60 Minutes" and claims that President Bush ignore his warnings of an imminent terrorist attack, back in 2001.
APRIL
Pat Tillman is killed in Afghanistan. Google announces it will go public. The Abu Ghraib photos hit. Connecticut beats Georgia Tech to win the NCAA championship. The World War II Memorial opens in Washington, D.C. Phil Mickelson wins his first major at Augusta and pleases Martha Burk by becoming the first champion with breasts.
MAY
"Friends" and "Frasier" go off the air. Terry Nichols is convicted of 161 counts of first-degree murder. Tony Randall dies. Smarty Jones wins the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness. Randy Johnson becomes the oldest man to throw a perfect game. "Let's Get It Started," by the revamped Black Eyed Peas, becomes the official song of the NBA Playoffs. Nicholas Berg is beheaded.
JUNE
Ken Jennings begins his reign of terror on "Jeopardy." Ronald Reagan, Ray Charles and Ralph Wiley die. The Tampa Bay Lightning win the Stanley Cup. The United States turns over power in Iraq to the Iraqi government. The Detroit Pistons end the Los Angeles Lakers' stranglehold on the NBA. Mary Kate Olsen enters rehab for an eating disorder. Bill Clinton's autobiography is released. Smarty Jones loses to Birdstone in the Belmont Stakes. Jack Ryan, the expected Republican contender against young State Senator Barack Obama, quits his Senate race after his actress wife reveals he took her to sex clubs.
JULY
The 9/11 Commission Report is released. Greg Maddux becomes the last man to win 300 games. "Entourage" debuts. John Kerry picks John Edwards as his running mate. A clean-shaven Saddam Hussein appears in court, and his brother Barack Hussein Obama electrifies the Democratic National Convention. Construction on Ground Zero begins.
AUGUST
Russia is rocked by terrorist attacks. The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth cause John Kerry considerable trouble. At the Summer Olympics in Athens, Michael Phelps wins some medals, and the USA basketball team struggles to a bronze medal. Two men in Oslo steal the painting "The Scream." Dick Cheney comes out for gay marriage. Vijay Singh wins the PGA Championship. The Statue of Liberty is opened to the public for the first time since September 11. New Jersey governor James McGreevey resigns and reveals he is gay. Rick James and Julia Child die. CBS brings us Thurston Long.
SEPTEMBER
Pedro Martinez calls the Yankees his "daddy." Al Michaels makes a John Kerry "flip-flop" joke during a Patriots-Colts game. Joey Ramone and Russ Meyer die. Major League Baseball announces that the Montreal Expos will move to Washington, D.C. Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline. Bill Clinton has a quadruple bypass. Rape charges against Kobe Bryant are dropped. The American death toll in Iraq reaches 1,000. Chechen insurgents take a school in Beslan hostage, and ultimately 340 people are killed. George Bush and John Kerry debate. "Lost" premieres. Hurricane Ivan hits. Tom Sizemore puts on a wig to play Pete Rose.
OCTOBER
Something happens with the Boston Red Sox. Amy Poehler joins Tina Fey on the "Weekend Update" desk. Ashlee Simpson lip-syncs. Christopher Reeve, Rodney Dangerfield and Ken Caminiti die. Jon Stewart requests "Crossfire" to stop hurting America. Mark Cuban's "The Benefactor" is canceled after six episodes. Bill O'Reilly is accused of not understanding what a falafel is.
NOVEMBER
President Bush is re-elected. Terrell Owens appears with the old lady from "Desperate Housewives" before "Monday Night Football." Old Dirty Bastard dies. Ken Jennings finally loses. "House" debuts. Elizabeth Edwards announces she has breast cancer. The Indiana Pacers have a minor skirmish with Detroit Pistons fans. Colin Powell steps down.
DECEMBER
The tsunami in the Indian Ocean kills nearly 140,000 people. President Bush nominates Bernie Kerik to head the Department of Homeland Security, and it doesn't go well. The San Francisco Chronicle reports incriminating testimony from the BALCO trial from Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds. Susan Sontag, Reggie White and Lennie Briscoe die. Tom Brokaw leaves the NBC Nightly News. Karl Malone tells Kobe Bryant's wife that one of his hobbies is "hunting little Mexican girls."

Thus:

Artie Lange
Claimed that someone ejaculated on Joe Buck's bare chest.

I'd have to think that's enough, yes?

Dad didn't look much happier. "AJ better know what the hell he's doing there." He did. We wish Hamilton all the best in his ongoing struggle with addiction, and marvel again how much different it looks when a professional athlete falls off the wagon than it does for the rest of us. When they do it, they take shots off the breasts off beautiful women. When we do it, we vomit on the Buck Hunter game and urinate ourselves.

Josh Hamilton
Relapsed.
Found defenders.
Pleads human.
Chilled in Jesusland.

JANUARY
Maurice Clarett scores a touchdown in double overtime to help Ohio State beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl and win the mythical national championship. Republican choose New York City as the site for the 2004 national convention. The Miller Lite catfight commercial airs for the first time, and the Buccaneers beat the Raiders in another boring Super Bowl. "Chappelle's Show" debuts. The United States deploys 62,000 troops to the Middle East. Scientists find a winged dinosaur fossil in China. R. Kelly is arrested on child pornography charges. The Black Table launches.
FEBRUARY
Space shuttle Columbia explodes, killing all seven astronauts onboard. Saddam Hussein gives an interview to Dan Rather on "60 Minutes." Colin Powell argues the case for an invasion of Iraq to the United Nations. Phil Spector is arrested and charged with murder. A fire at a Great White concert in Rhode Island kills 100 people, including the band's guitarist. The city of New York selects Daniel Libeskind's design for the new World Trade Center building. Osama bin Laden warns of future attacks, and Donald Rumsfeld claims the broadcast is proof of a link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. Mr. Rogers dies. Not much happens in sports.
MARCH
Elizabeth Smart is found nine months after she was kidnapped. Kirby Puckett goes on trial for sexual assault. Chicago wins Best Picture, and Roman Polanski Best Director at the Academy Awards. The Believer magazine launches. SARS strikes Asia. Donald Rumsfeld says the Iraq war won't cost more than $60 billion. Broadway musicians strike. People magazine introduces the world to Doug Christie's wife. War in Iraq begins, with shock, and with awe.
APRIL
Michael Jordan and his Washington Wizards fail to make the NBA playoffs. Sen. Rick Santorum, when asked about gay marriage, says: "Society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality." Freshman Carmelo Anthony leads the Syracuse Orangemen to the NCAA Championship. PFC Jessica Lynch is rescued from a Iraqi hospital. Baghdad falls; the Pentagon says fighting in Iraq is "mostly complete." Roy Williams tells Bonnie Bernstein he "could give a shit about North Carolina right now." Nina Simone dies. The Des Moines Register runs photos of Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy drinking with students. "A Million Little Pieces" is released. President Bush re-appoints Alan Greenspan.
MAY
President Bush announces "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq and declares an end to combat in Afghanistan. New York Times reporter Jayson Blair resigns from the newspaper. "Moneyball" hits bookstores. Mad Cow disease is discovered in Canada. Eric Rudolph, the Atlanta Olympics bomber, is arrested in North Carolina after five years on the run. An Algerian earthquake kills more than 2,250 people. The first Democratic presidential debate features Howard Dean, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Carol Moseley Braun and Al Sharpton. The Matrix Reloaded disappoints everyone.
JUNE
England decides to forgo the Euro. Martha Stewart is indicted. Roger Clemens earns his 300th win and 4,000th strikeout, in the same game. Gregory Peck, Strom Thurmond and Katherine Hepburn die. Hillary Clinton's book "Living History" is released. U.S. authorities foil a plot to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. The San Antonio Spurs beat the New Jersey Nets to win the NBA championship. The "Do Not Call" national registry is created.
JULY
John Abizaid, commander of allied forces in Iraq, warns soldiers than they'll be deployed for yearlong tours. Robert Novak reveals Valerie Plame's identity in a column. Baylor basketball player Patrick Dennehy is shot and killed by former teammate Carlton Dotson. Mike Ditka signs up as a spokesperson for Levitra. Saddam Hussein's sons are killed. Kobe Bryant is arrested and charged with rape in Colorado. Barry White and Bob Hope die. "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" debuts.
AUGUST
Several millions, including residents of New York City, suffer from a massive blackout. The blaster worm attacks computers. Baylor coach Dave Bliss tells his players to lie to investigators and claim the late Patrick Dennehy was selling drugs to pay his tuition. "Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman is released. Lance Armstrong wins his fifth straight Tour de France. Charles Bronson dies. Michael Vick fractures his fibula in a preseason game. Chemical Ali is found. Bill Parcells comes out of retirement to coach the Dallas Cowboys. The slate of candidates for the California governor's recall is locked in and includes Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Larry Flynt, porn star Mary Carey and Gallagher. Mitch Albom's "Five People You Meet In Heaven" is released.
SEPTEMBER
Gen. Wesley Clark enters the Presidential race. Hurricane Isabel hits. "Hey Ya" makes white people dance. Shane Mosley defeats Oscar de la Hoya. President Bush asks Congress for $87 billion to aid the fight in Iraq. John Ritter, Johnny Cash, Leni Riefenstahl and George Plimpton die. Britney Spears and Madonna kiss at the MTV Video Music Awards.
OCTOBER
Bartman. Rush Limbaugh admits an addiction to Oxycontin on his radio show and goes into rehab. David Kay says there are no WMDs in Iraq. Bartman. The last Concorde flight lands. Arnold Schwarzenegger wins the recall to become governor of California. Aaron Boone homers to win the American League Championship Series, but the Florida Marlins beat the Yankees in the World Series. Elliott Smith dies of two stab wounds to the chest. Bartman. The DC sniper trial begins. LeBron james scores 25 points in his first game, a 106-92 loss to Sacramento. Wildfires spread through California. Bartman.
NOVEMBER
President Bush signs a bill banning partial birth abortion. Michael Jackson is booked on suspicion of child molestation. The NFL Network launches, though probably not in your house. The DC sniper suspects are found guilty. The Massachusetts Supreme Court rules in favor of gay marriage. "Arrested Development" debuts.
DECEMBER
Al Gore endorses Howard Dean for President. An earthquake in Iran kills 30,000 people. Suicide bombers blow up a commuter train in Moscow, killing 50. "Life As A Loser," by Will Leitch, is released. The morning after pill is approved by the FDA. Sen. Paul Simon dies. They got Saddam.

Lenny Dykstra
Featured black men on the cover of his magazine.
Charged charter flight to his mother's credit card.
Hammered by HBO. (Finally.)
Filed for bankruptcy.
Played dirty.
Slept in car.
Pawned the rest of his belongings.

PREVIOUS NOMINEES
Erin Andrews

Erin Andrews
Joked with Bill Cosby.
Turned 31.
Hit by foul ball.
Attacked by tiger.
Snooped in a hotel.
Confirmed the snooping.
Caused kvetching.
Splashed across New York Post front page.
Called 911.
Posed for GQ.
Talked to Oprah.
Went back to work.
Busted that peeper punk.
Seriously, check out that dude.

• There are only eight nominees, rather than the 16 of years past.
• These eight nominees are unseeded.
• We will be announcing a nominee a day through next Friday, in alphabetical order.
• Voting will begin the morning of Monday, December 14, and a winner will be announced on Wednesday, December 16.
• Then everyone can move on with their lives.

Yes, this might be a little jarring to some of you, (CHANGE! BAD! YOU'RE RUINING IT! ETC.) but I've found that SHOTY seems to drag on and on, and by the time you get back from the holiday break, everyone's forgotten who or what or why they're supposed to be voting. So Leitch and I picked 8 people we felt exemplified the true spirit of SHOTY-ness (whatever that is) and we'll just have one big vote at the end so chubby-baby-loving rubes from Kansas can't stuff the ballot and piss everyone off.

Tomorrow, Emeritus will reveal the first nominee.

JANUARY
The Euro debuts as an international currency. The Miami Hurricanes defeat the Nebraska Cornhuskers to win the mythical national championship. Argentina's national congress approves its fifth president in a fortnight. Tom Brady and the Patriots beat the Raiders in the snow, in the infamous Tuck Rule game. President Bush declares the "Axis Of Evil" in his State of the Union speech. Steven King announces he will retire from writing "after five more books." Guantanamo Bay opens. Fox News overtakes CNN in cable news ratings. Journalist Daniel Pearl disappears.
FEBRUARY
Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 50th year on the throne. High school junior LeBron James appears on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Daniel Pearl is beheaded in a video that circulates on the Internet. The New England Patriots shock the football world by defeating the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl. Donald Rumsfeld invents the term "unknown unknown." R. Kelly sex tape is leaked. At the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Long Island teenager Sarah Hughes pulls off an upset win in female figure skating, but the Games are marred by paid-off judges. John Walker Lindh, the "American Taliban," pleads guilty. "Family Guy" is canceled by FOX. Chuck Jones dies. The United States announces new guidelines on mammograms, advising women to undergo the procedure at the age of 40, rather than 50, as had previously been the norm.
MARCH
Investigators officially close the Whitewater probe. Milton Berle, Billy Wilder and Dudley Moore die. Ariel Sharon proclaims Yassir Arafat the "enemy of the entire free world" and declares Israel to be at war. Denzel Washington and Halle Berry end racism by winning Oscars. The Connecticut women's basketball team finishes undefeated by winning the national championship. Hulk Hogan faces The Rock in the main event of WrestleMania X8. Alan Greenspan declares the recession "over."
APRIL
Hugo Chavez resigns as president of Venezuela but returns to office two days later. Robert Blake shoots his wife. Tiger Woods wins his third Masters, his second in a row. U.S. Senate rejects Arctic drilling. The Maryland Terrapins beat the Indiana Hoosiers in a boring NCAA championship game. Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes is killed in an SUV accident. Bush adviser Karen Hughes quits. Michael Jordan and his Washington Wizards fail to make the NBA playoffs. Oprah Winfrey announces she is ending her book club.
MAY
The White House admits it received explicit warnings in August 2001 that Osama bin Laden planned on attacking "within" the United States, and FBI head Robert Mueller says a future Al Qaeda attack is "inevitable." Chandra Levy's bones are found. "The X-Files" goes off the air. Sam Snead dies. Spider-Man breaks the record for box office opening weekend. MIke PIazza holds a press conference to let everyone know he's not gay. A China Airline plane crashes, killing all 225 people on board. Tom Brokaw announces he will retire after the 2004 Presidential election.
JUNE
Jack Buck and Darryl Kile die within a week of each other. "The Wire" premieres on HBO. The Justice Department arrests Jose Padilla in a "dirty bomb" plot. Brazil wins the World Cup. In the last NBA game on NBC, the Lakers complete a four-game sweep of the New Jersey Nets in the NBA Finals. Martha Stewart, under investigation for insider trading, tells CBS anchor Jane Clayson "I just want to focus on my salad." Lennox Lewis knocks out Mike Tyson. Tyco Dennis Kozolowski is indicted on tax evasion charges. Hamid Karzai is elected president of Afghanistan. Martha Burk and The New York Times begin their offensive against Hootie Johnson and The Augusta National Golf Club for not allowing women. "American Idol" debuts on FOX, with hosts Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman. Scotty Bowman leads the Detroit Red Wings to the Stanley Cup, then retires. Ken Caminiti confesses his steroid use to Tom Verducci at Sports Illustrated. WorldCom admits its falsified profit statements. Dee Dee Ramone dies.
JULY
Ted Williams dies. (Kind of.) Lance Armstrong wins his fourth consecutive Tour de France. Nine miners in Pennsylvania are trapped in a mine shaft for 77 hours, but are rescued. "20th Hijacker" Zacarias Moussaoui pleads guilty, then withdraws the plea a week later. The Senate holds hearings about a potential war with Iraq. The House votes to give airline pilots guns. The Baseball All-Star Game ends in a tie.
AUGUST
Lakers announcer Chick Hearn dies. US Air files for bankruptcy. CNN pays $34,000 for Al Qaeda training footage. Scientist Steven Hatfill denies responsibility for the anthrax attacks. Former Bush adviser Brent Scocroft warns in The Wall Street Journal that an invasion of Iraq would hurt the war on terrorism. Baseball owners and players agree to revenue sharing and a luxury tax, averting a strike. Four Arab men in Detroit are charged with running a sleeper cell. Lisa Leslie becomes the first WNBA player to dunk.
SEPTEMBER
White Sox fan William Ligue and his son attack Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa. President Bush argues his case for invading Iraq to the United Nations. Pete Sampras defeats Andre Agassi in the U.S. Open finals, his final Grand Slam championship. Johnny Unitas dies. The United States men's basketball team loses three times at the World Basketball Championships, finishing sixth in a 16-team field. Kelly Clarkson becomes the first "American Idol" winner. Dr. Phil premieres.
OCTOBER
Shoe bomber Richard Reid pleads guilty, and John Walker Lindh is sentenced to 20-years-to-life in prison. Sen. Paul Wellstone of Minnesota is killed in a plane crash. Jam Master Jay is shot and killed in Queens. Tim Montgomery sets the 100-meter record in 9.78 seconds. Warren Zevon is the lone guest on an episode of "Late Show With David Letterman," in which he discusses his fight with inoperable lung cancer. Snipers John Muhammad and John Malvo wreak havoc on the Washington DC area. The Anaheim Angels beat the San Francisco Giants in the World Series, thanks largely to a five-run comeback in Game 6. President Bush explains to the nation, in a live televised address, why he must invade Iraq.
NOVEMBER
Iraq allows UN inspectors to search their country for weapons of mass destruction. Emmitt Smith passes Walter Payton as the NFL's all-time leading rusher. Republicans re-take the Senate and increase their advantage in the House. "Around The Horn" debuts. The EPA relaxes the Clean Air Act. Tyrone Willingham goes 10-2 in his first season at Notre Dame. "Divine intervention at its best," says Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White "That's what this represents to me and, more important, to Notre Dame and Notre Dame football. Tyrone should have been here. Thank God he is here."
DECEMBER
Al Gore announces he will not run for President in 2004. Tony and Carmelo Soprano separate. BET founder Robert Johnson becomes the first black owner of a professional sports franchise when he buys the expansion Charlotte basketball franchise for $300 million. Trent Lott says that if Strom Thurmond had been elected President, "we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years." He resigns as Senate Majority Leader two weeks later. Gawker.com launches.

JANUARY
George W. Bush is sworn in as the 43rd President of the United States. Jennifer Capriati overcomes her past drug addiction and wins the Australian Open. Former President Bill Clinton pardons campaign contributor Marc Rich. ABC reality show "The Mole" debuts, hosted by future CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. Beloved broadcaster Al McGuire dies. Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin announce they are separating. The Baltimore Ravens beat the New York Giants in the most boring Super Bowl of all time. Affirmed dies. Affirmed.
FEBRUARY
Dale Earnhardt suffers a fatal crash in the Dayton 500. Paranoia over foot-and-mouth disease takes over England. Vince McMahon's Xtreme Football League debuts, with "He Hate Me" and Matt Vasgersian and Jesse Ventura broadcasting. A bloated Matthew Perry enters rehab. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman shock the nation by declaring that they are seeking a divorce. When asked by David Letterman how her life is different, Kidman says, "I can wear heels now." Ariel Sharon is elected prime minister of Israel.
MARCH
Bob Knight is hired as coach of Texas Tech. Gladiator wins Best Picture. Alonzo Mourning returns from kidney disease to play for the Miami Heat. America backs out of the Kyoto climate pact. Dick Cheney has his second angioplasty in four months. In the midst of an energy shortage, California suffers rolling blackouts to save power. Talk show host Morton Downey Jr. dies, of lung cancer.
APRIL
Joey Ramone dies. Duke defeats Arizona to win the NCAA men's basketball championship. Arnold Schwarzenegger announces he will not run for governor of California in 2002. A Japanese newspaper offers $1 million for a naked picture of Ichiro Suzuki. Race riots break out in Cincinnati after a white police officer shoots and kills an unarmed black man. Albert Pujols grounds out off Mike Hampton in his first major league at-bat. Former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic is arrested in Belgrade. Tiger Woods finishes the Tiger Slam. A U.S. plane and a Chinese plane crash over Chinese airspace, and China officials keep the U.S. plane's 24-person crew hostage for 11 days. Bill Simmons' publishes his first piece on ESPN.com, "The Nomar Redemption."
MAY
The U.S. Supreme Court rules to allow disabled golfer Casey Martin to use a cart on tour. Pearl Harbor opens. Brendan Lemon, editor of Out magazine, claiming that his boyfriend is a current Major League Baseball player. Chandra Levy disappears. Vince Carter attends his college graduation in the morning and misses a shot with 2.0 seconds to lose Game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals in the evening. Chuck Klosterman's "Fargo Rock City" is released. Harvey Pitt is approved as chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission. "Walker, Texas Ranger" goes off the air.
JUNE
Congress passes President Bush's $1.35 trillion tax cut. The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Philadelphia 76ers in the NBA Finals. Tom Cruise sues a man who claims he has a videotape of Cruise having sex with a man. Timothy McVeigh is executed. The Atlanta Gold Club Trial ends. "The Producers" wins 12 Tony Awards. Ray Borque wins his long-awaited first Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche. Jack Lemmon and Archie Bunker die. Luke and Laura of "General Hospital" divorce.
JULY
The U.S. House of Representatives votes to ban human cloning. Tom Green and Drew Barrymore marry. Beijing is awarded the 2008 Olympic Games. "Sopranos" star Robert Iler is arrested for robbery and marijuana possession. Cal Ripken homers in his final All-Star Game. Mariah Carey enters an undisclosed New York City hospital after suffering an emotional breakdown.
AUGUST
Vikings offensive lineman Korey Stringer collapses during a practice and dies of a heat stroke. Bill Clinton is paid $10 million to write his memoirs. Pop singer Aaliyah dies in a plane crash. Dave Winfield and Kirby Puckett are enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Gary Condit admits he had a "very close relationship" with Chandra Levy. The San Jose CyberRays win the first ever WUSA championship. Nothing in the world is wrong.
SEPTEMBER
Famed film critic Pauline Kael dies. Four hijacked plans crash into both World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania, killing a total of 2,976 people, not counting the 19 hijackers. All airplanes are grounded, causing John Madden to offer a ride across the country to ice skater Peggy Fleming. People are sad. Michael Jordan announces he is returning to basketball with the Washington Wizards. Tom Brady takes over for an injured Drew Bledsoe as quarterback for the New England Patriots. Bob Dylan's "Love And Theft" is released. Eric Dickerson makes his debut as a sideline reporter for "Monday Night Football."
OCTOBER
The United States begins airstrikes on Afghanistan. O.J. Simpson is acquitted in a road rage case. Barry Bonds breaks Mark McGwire's three-year-old home run record, ending the season with 73. Author Jonathan Franzen refuses Oprah Winfrey's request to make his book "The Corrections" part of her book club. Derek Jeter makes the tag play. Letters laced with weaponized anthrax are sent to various media and government offices. "Pardon The Interruption" debuts. An Ontario newspaper reports that Bud Selig plans on contracting the Montreal Expos and the Florida Marlins after the World Series. Michael Jackson's "Invincible" hits stores. Rush Limbaugh announces he is deaf. Mark McGwire is pinch-hit for by Kerry Robinson in his last plate appearance. Everyone is still drinking.
NOVEMBER
Ken Kesey and George Harrison die. The government announces it will train doctors to recognize the symptoms of smallpox. Kyle Turley rips a helmet off a New York Jet opponent and throws it across the field. A plane bound for the Dominican Republic crashes in Queens, killing 265 people. The Arizona Diamondbacks beat the New York Yankees to win the first World Series ever to be completed in November. "24" debuts on FOX. Baseball owners vote 28-2 in favor of contraction. Mark-Paul Gosselaar joins the cast of "NYPD Blue." Everyone is still drinking.
DECEMBER
The Taliban collapses. Winona Ryder is arrested for shoplifting. Notre Dame fires Bob Davie as head football coach. Osama bin Laden releases a videotape in which he laughs and boasts about the September 11 terrorist attacks. Enron files for bankruptcy and evaporates most of its workers' 401(k)s. Rudy Giuliani is chosen as Time magazine's Man of the Year. Eric Crouch wins the Heisman Trophy. Everyone is still drinking.

JANUARY
Y2K doesn't kill us, but it could have. David Letterman has quintuple bypass surgery. Dan Marino plays his final game, a 62-7 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point" is released. Kurt Warner and the Rams win a thrilling Super Bowl over the Titans, but dot-com commercials dominate the storyline, most notably the infamous Pets.com sock puppet, voiced by Michael Ian Black. AOL and Time Warner merge. The deal, surprisingly, is not delayed while AOL waits for its roommate to get off the phone.
FEBRUARY
In their race for the Republican nomination for President, John McCain upsets George W. Bush in New Hampshire, but loses in South Carolina amid allegations of dirty tactics on behalf of the Bush campaign. Ray Lewis is arrested on murder charges after an incident outside the Super Bowl. Dave Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius" is released. The Mariners trade Ken Griffey Jr. to Cincinnati, where he grew up. Marty McSorley hits Donald Brashear in the back of the head with his stick. Charles Schulz, Tom Landry and Jim Varney all die, though not at the hands of McSorley.
MARCH
Vladmir Putin is elected as president of Russia. Boomer Esiason is fired from "Monday Night Football." The NASDAQ collapses, signifying the end of the dot-com boom. Budweiser's "Whassup?" commercials debut. Sports Illustrated profiles University of Minnesota wrestler Brock Lesnar. Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan compares pitcher Rick Ankiel to Sandy Koufax. Dan Marino turns down an offer from the Minnesota Vikings to continue his career. Rangers pitcher Darren Oliver tells a reporter he's voting for George W. Bush because "it would be cool to know the dude in the White House."
APRIL
Michigan State, behind Mateen Cleaves, wins the NCAA Championship. "ESPN: An Uncensored History" is released by an independent publisher. Metallica sues Napster for pirating their songs, followed soon thereafter by Dr. Dre and Madonna. Mike Morgan pitches for his record 12th different major league team. Cal Ripken gets his 3,000th hit. "Hollywood" Henderson wins $28 million in the Texas Lotto. In a related story, the NBA approves the sale of the Dallas Mavericks to Mark Cuban.
MAY
The ILOVEYOU virus attacks gullible home computers. Boo.com burns through $160 million in six months. Malik Sealy dies in a car accident. Daniel Snyder signs Jeff George to a multi-year contract. Eminem's "The Marshall Mathers LP" is released to an unsuspecting public. "Party of Five" and "Beverly Hills 90210" go off the air. Lynn Swann is hired to serve as a sideline reporter for the upcoming Ray Lewis murder trial.
JUNE
The Los Angeles Lakers win the NBA Championship. Nancy Marchand, the actress who played Livia Soprano, dies. Mike Tyson knocks out someone names Lou Saverese in the first round in Scotland. Jeff McGregor writes in Sports Illustrated that "sportswriters will soon be dinosaurs, driven to extinction by the Ice Age of the Internet." Scientists announced they've sketched a rough draft of the human genome. Steve Young retires. Photos reveal that Mars has water. Frank Deford refers to Anna Kournikova as "the Jezebel of sweat."
JULY
ABC announces it is hiring Dennis Miller to broadcast "Monday Night Football." Pete Sampras wins his record 13th Grand Slam title. Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady sign free agent contracts with the Orlando Magic. Chuck Knoblauch hits Keith Olbermann's mom with an errant throw. A Concorde jet crashes minutes after takeoff from Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris, killing all 109 on board and nine people staying at the Relais Bleu hotel in the town of Gonesse. Kobe Bryant performs a rap concert at Los Angeles' House of Blues.
AUGUST
Tiger Woods wins the PGA Championship, his third major of the year. "Dora The Explorer" debuts. Firestone recalls 6.5 million tires after reports of faulty design. Gay con man nudist Richard Hatch wins the inaugural season of "Survivor." Obi-Wan Kenobi dies.
SEPTEMBER
The 2000 Summer Olympics begin in Sydney, Australia. The opening ceremonies are hosted by Bob Costas and Katie Couric. Many sports no one will watch for another four years happen, and winners are declared. Indiana fires longtime coach Bob Knight after he grabs a student's arm for saying "'Sup, Knight?" The San Diego Chargers announce Ryan Leaf as their starting quarterback. The Global Millennium Summit is held at the United Nations in New York City. Tiger Woods signs a $100 million endorsement contract with Nike. Nomar Garciaparra and Mark Grace fight over actress Lauren Holly.
OCTOBER
The Yankees and Mets meet in the Subway Series, and Roger Clemens throws a broken bat at Mike Piazza. The USS Cole is bombed by terrorist group Al-Qaeda and their elusive leader Osama bin Laden. Patrick Ewing plays for the Sonics. The PlayStation 2, hailed as the "future of entertainment," is released. Television programs "CSI" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" debut. Serbian president Slobodan Milošević leaves office. Allen Iverson records his first single, "40 Bars," which features the lyric, "Everybody stay fly get money kill and fuck bitches/I'm hittin anything in plain view for my riches/VA's finest fillin up ditches, when niggaz turn to bitches/die for zero digits; I'm a giant, y'all midgets." Joe Buck, 31, calls his third World Series.
NOVEMBER
The United States Presidential election between Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore ends in a virtual tie, and each candidate's representatives do battle for a month. Former Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth's murder trial begins. Daunte Culpepper declares on the cover of Sports Illustrated that he "wants to be the best quarterback ever." Bill Clinton becomes the first sitting President to visit Vietnam. Hunter S. Thompson begins writing for ESPN's Page 2. Former Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne succeeds in his race for the U.S. House of Representatives, but Illinois State Senator Barack Obama does not.
DECEMBER
The Texas Rangers sign shortstop Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $252 million contract. Mario Lemieux announces he is returning to the NHL after a three-year retirement. Department store Montgomery Ward goes out of business. Mike Mussina signs with the Yankees and officially destroys the Orioles franchise. The Supreme Court stops the presidential recount in Florida, handing the election to George W. Bush. Victor Borge dies.

By a bad decade, we're not talking about fads that inevitably evaporated. (No Elian Gonzalez, or "Livin' La Vida Loca.") We mean people and concepts that, on December 31, 1999, were respected and/or revered, reputations that were devastated by the last 10 years. If this decade would have never happened, they would have been a lot better off. The last decade exposed them as not nearly as lasting as we once thought they would be.

The rest of the month, I'll be doing year-in-reviews, twice a week, but we kick you off with this photo gallery, inspired by the fantastic Inventory: 16 Films Featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls, 10 Great Songs Nearly Ruined by Saxophone, and 100 More Obsessively Specific Pop-Culture Lists by The Onion A.V. Club. (Thanks to A.J. Daulerio, Joe DeLessio, Drew Magary, Ben Mathis-Lilley, Mike Ryan and Bill Scheft for their suggestions on some of these.) Click the photo gallery to enjoy, and leave us your own suggestions in the comments, if you feel so inclined.

Roberto Benigni.
Blockbuster Video.
Bobby Bowden.
Chuck D.
Minnie Driver.
David Duval.
Janeane Garofalo.
Nomar Garciaparra.
Mel Gibson.
Alan Greenspan.
Dennis Hastert.
Helen Hunt.
Hummers.
Michael Jordan.
Craig Kilborn.
George Lucas.
Mike Martz.
Mark McGwire.
Chris O'Donnell.
Sarah McLachlan.
Moby.
Newspapers.
Liz Phair.
Colin Powell.
Pluto.
The Record Industry.
Michael Richards.
Ripped Fuel.
John Rocker.
David O. Russell.
Salon.com.
Mike Shanahan.
Alicia Silverstone.
M. Night Shyamalan.
Kevin Spacey.
Caring About Howard Stern's Personal Life.
The Wachowski Brothers.
Harvey Weinstein.
Ricky Williams.
Kerry Wood.
Women's Soccer.

You might have seen this earlier today:

Here's Courtney's own fawning-but-meaningful tribute to the Sports Guy's literary achievement:

One of my favorite Espn men is doing a book signing today. Bill Simmons, he is their MOST talented sports writer. I am a big fan of his and have heard he may be a fan of mine. I have some DVDs that I am going to bring him. A little gift for him. I want to buy some of his books and have him autograph them. I thought they would be good gifts for my brother and dad. What do you guys think from a guy's point of view? Is this a good gift? I thought so; I am going to take pics with him also. Can't wait! This is why I need to go get my nails fixed. I can't show up looking busted! Lol.

I was so nervous standing in line. I had butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to make sure he liked my gifts that I brought. He was so happy to see me. He hugged me and rubbed up against my titties. My pussy was so wet! I wanted to do him right there!! He was so sweet as he asked me who my favorite sports teams are. I can't wait to read his book. I bought four total!!

Or... he made the culture cum to him.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry P rocks the party that rocks the body electric or something in a little while.