•The Tampa Bay Lightning got their yucks from a good-old fashioned game of "strip shootout," where if you don't score on a breakaway, you remove a piece of clothing. The players said they got really excited by the game, which gives a whole new meaning to "high-sticking."

•The Bears ink Jay Cutler to a two-year extension. While he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, he's a better option than Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, Chad Hutchinson, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzell, Kordell Stewart, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Shane Matthews, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, Rick Mirer, Dave Kreig, Eric Kramer, Steve Walsh, Will Furrer, Peter Tom Willis...

•The Yankees take a 3-1 series lead on the ample back of CC Sabathia. Accusations of Sabathia throwing a Rivera-like spitball were refuted when FOX cameras picked up a hot dog vendor in his line of sight, indicating it was only drool.

•Tennessee Papa John's were offering one free topping for every Titans touchdown this weekend. Hope you like cheese pizza.

•In advance of the NFL's upcoming jaunt to London, one British tabloid attempts to bust 10 myths about the NFL. Sadly, the part about a coin toss being used to decide tie games is no myth.

•The NBA expects to have their referees back on the court in time for next week's opener, and none too soon. Did you see that Cleveland game last night? The Mavs were only getting whistled if they actually fouled LeBron!

•To cap the morning off, we've got some video of a ladies room fight at this weekend's Texas/OU game. More like Yellow River Rivalry, amirite?

Caption: England's Andrew Flintoff, kneeling, claims the wicket of Australia's Peter Siddle during the final day of the second Ashes Test cricket match at Lord's cricket ground, London, Monday July 20, 2009. (AP Photo/Tom Hevezi)

I have no idea what that means or what is happening in this photo. But I did learn there are five tests in this historic ongoing series between England and Australia, each test lasts five days (as you know) and the first test this year was a draw. A five-day sporting event that ended in a draw. Hard to believe that cricket hasn't caught on here in the States. I will now go microwave my breakfast.

* * * * *

Welcome to Monday. I studiously avoided the internet since Friday afternoon, but I assume nothing interesting happened anywhere.

Wait ... there's Americans ... there's Americans on the moon?

Over the weekend, the New England Euphoria of the Lingerie Football league held open tryouts to presumably find the next Vince Papale to strap-on shoulder pads and garter belts for this season's LFL. 7 teams from all across the country will field ladies of varying football skill and bra size to for the full-contact sport. What will last longer — this or the World Football League? I wonder if Jim Fassell applied for a coaching job in the LFL first.

The Euphoria will open their first game against the Atlanta Steam on Sept. 18th.

*****

Good morning. It's Tuesday. Getcha self a box of Newports. And Puma sweats.

As Sexy As It Gets In New England [With Leather]
Lingerie Football Tryouts [My Fox Boston]
Panty Raiders [Boston Herald]

Michael Bertin writes about soccer regularly for Deadspin.

Ashley Cole—that's him in the white—seemingly has plenty going for him. He's relatively young (27), he's got a hot plastic wife, and he gets compensated handsomely to do his job, which is a pretty sweet one as he plays left back for Chelsea FC and, when occasion demands, the English national side. But he's also hated. Probably for the reasons above and probably augmented by things like his throwing a hissyfit when Arsenal offered him only $110,000 a week instead of the $120,000 he demanded; and that he may or may not have an open relationship with his wife where she let's him vomit on strange women for pleasure.

So when a casual pass across the England backline by Cole led to an easy goal for visiting Kazakhstan in Saturday's World Cup qualifier, he got booed. The 5-1 final makes it look like a walkover, but Cole's gaffe cut England's lead to 2-1. If not for a Kazakh own goal and sitter of a missed header the scoreline could have easily been in favor (oops, favour) of the guests at that point. And the English fans, never lacking for appetite when a chance comes to eat one of their own, were relentless. For the next 20 minutes, any time Cole got near the ball, sections of the crowd vocally pelted him. The lack of class and appropriateness was all the English papers, the FA, the coach, and the team talked about after picking up the three points.

Really? The country that unleashed Georges Boy and Michael on an unsuspecting world is going to tell fans what they can and cannot wear then give the rest of us a cultural lecture on civility? Okay, A) Pussies. Seriously, grow up. In true superpowers, reasonable discussions aren't about if someone will be booed, but about how punitive the abuse will actually be. And B) If the current global economic collapse teaches us anything, it's that people have a right, if not a duty, to boo. No, really.

Part of the U.S. Treasury bailout plan had a provision limiting executive compensation for firms that stuck out a hand. Free market worshippers objected in part because limiting price causes shortages. Sure, it looks that way when you draw out the supply and demand curves, but there is a more fundamental problem with markets for CEOs: they don't price in risk, probably because there's not much of it.

Look at Zheng Xiaoyu. He was the Chinese head of their equivalent of the FDA. After bogus drugs and tainted dog food started killing people and pets across the planet, he was killed. Executed by the government. And that's why the Chinese are going to overtake us. They are communists, and they have a better handle on making markets efficient.

Here, you can be to some degree responsible for the evaporation of several hundred million dollars of wealth and almost nothing happens to you (Jeffrey Skilling being the exception that proves the rule). Something should. Hey, want to be CEO of Goldman? Great, you do a bang up job, you're going to get $200M in base and an unlimited supply of gold-plated strippers to give you a continuous rim job if you like. You fail? You're going to have your head cut off and your rib cage used as a planter for an herb garden, then given to your successor as a reminder of what happens when you fuck things up. Safe bet people would have been far more mindful of the mortgages they packaged into CMO's if that were the case.

With the possible exception of Columbia , world fútbol has a similar problem. There's not much downside risk priced into being a player because, well, save for the odd ankle injury (Warning: not safe for the squeamish), there's not much risk there. So as fans, we have an obligation to bring that to the market. I'm not advocating actual death. I'd have a hard time enjoying my hatred of Ashely Cole if he were a corpse, plus, as the Pre-Columbian Americans figured out, it's just bad strategy. What they gained in short-term post-game ratings by killing the losers they gave up pretty quickly by completely draining the athlete talent pool.

I'm not even advocating booing necessarily. It is kind of boorish, and as far as attacking the psychology of an athlete, it's not particularly creative or effective. But the fact is, there's aren't enough repercussions for screwing up. Against any quality opponent, the goal that resulted from Cole's arrogant lob toward his own box is the difference between a win and a loss, getting out of a World Cup group, advancing in the knockout stages, etc.

I'm all for a prissy twit like Cole making £60K a week (if someone is willing to pay it), but he should be earning every penny of it. And if 20 minutes of booing is the biggest risk he faces at the workplace, then something is wrong with the labor market in soccer.

England Manager leaps to Ashley Cole's Defence [Telegraph.co.uk]
Andres Escobar Own Goal in '94 World Cup [YouTube.com]

"I think the New England Patriots have won the division over the last couple of years, so the New England Patriots are the team to beat," the Patriots' all-world wide receiver said on a national conference call, responding to a specific question about the Jets' seemingly improved chances. Tom was a big, big, big component to make the offense move, and with him gone, we have to find other ways to make the offense move. But we're the team to beat, and we'll see what happens."

How about a real mooning this time instead of the fake variety? That should do it.

Randy Moss To Jetrs: Patriots Are Still 'The Team To Beat' [New York Daily News]

World Cup qualifying in Europe is too easy. I know that sounds ridiculous given some of the results over the weekend—France losing to Austria, Italy needing stoppage time to nip Cyrpus, and England being rescued against Andorra (again) by five inspired minutes from Joe Cole—but in all likelihood those teams are all still going to make it to South Africa. England will probably even be there to compete.

Look at a map of Europe circa 20 years ago. I count 18 countries currently in qualifying that weren't even there when Bush XLI was telling us to read his lips. In fact in Group Six, England's group, the only other country you'd find on that map (provided it didn't specify the Soviet republics) is Andorra. And they didn't start competing in qualification until the 2002 World Cup cycle. It's like England drew the equivalent of four iterations of Kansas City Royals split-squad teams.

The fact that England will struggle isn't a reflection of any depth in Europe. It's a reflection of England sucking. This was the second (and consecutive) time they were unimpressive against Andorra. Most of Andorra's national team comes from players at Andorra FC. And while domestically based, AFC currently plays in Spain. In the third division. England should have been able to outscore Vince Young's Wonderlic against Andorra. Ergo: England is shit. Sorry, shite.

But they will probably still qualify. They'll finish behind Croatia, have a nervy home-and-home against maybe Poland or Sweden, get bailed out by a late strike from Frank Lampard, draw into a ridiculously easy WC group, detach from reality and start talking about a run to the semis, then lose in the round of 16 to Argentina. Really, it's so predictable it can turn an idiot like me into Kreskin. This is not to pick on England, they've given the world Calculus, penicillin and the Clash. Personally, my life has benefitted greatly from two of those things. That England can be so incredibly mediocre and still advance to South Africa for 2010 just proves the point about Europe.

In fact, qualifying out of CONCACAF, the U.S.'s region, might be tougher than coming out of Europe. And I'm being serious. I'm not saying we're better than England or that CONCACAF is better than UEFA. Our region is overrated and the United States is a second rate soccer nation (although what nobody ever adds is that there are about 12 rates in world soccer, so second is not that bad). More importantly, on the biggest stage, the US shits the bed almost as a rule (but take note Joe Morgan, we're super fucking consistent).

Here's why we have a tougher road than the Euro nance boys: the U.S., we will go topple another government. And I'm not even talking about the last sovereign nation we invaded apparently so our elected officials could hand out no-bid cost-plus contracts to their poker buddies. Vietnam, the Phillipenes, Iran, Chile, we'll destabilize a government and do it without much thought to the long term consequences. Within our qualifying region, we've tinkered in the national affairs of Guatemala, Nicaragua, Honduras, Panama. We regularly force our national soccer team to go where we've disposed of legitimate leaders. It's kind of hard to play in places where they'd like to kill you for fucking up their countries.

Look at the U.S.'s two matches to this point. Game 1 degenerated into an elbowy bloodsport in Guatemala. Game 2 we traveled to a country we've methodically driven to economic ruin over five decades. Neither host thought enough of us to even bother turning on the stadium lights. Hell, we go to Mexico and our players get pelted by Ziploc bags filled with urine and feces. Name one venue where England's players are are likely to get pelted with urine bombs. One stadium besides Wembley that is.

And this is exactly what World Cup qualifying should be. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, it makes awesome sports. Even with the mild surprises in Europe over the weekend, the matches were all painfully boring (cue predictable jokes in 1, 2...) . And that's easy to fix: You meddle with another country, you face them in qualifying.

England should have to play Argentina until the seas rise so high that the Falklands aren't on any map that doesn't also include the Mariana's Trench. They held colonial power over Ghana and Nigeria. Excellent. Every World Cup for the foreseeable future would be free of the Three Lions.

Sure there's a shelf life here—Italy shouldn't be paying for Caesar's imperial ambitions but Belgium should still be paying for Leopold's—and some cases will require some gerrymandering—there are just not enough days in the FIFA calendar to allow Germany to face every country they've tried to invade—but who decided that geography should be the criteria by which this gets organized in the first place? Nobody smart. That's who. Align the qualifying groups by political conflict and there will never be another lifeforce-sucking scoreless draw like Saturday's Denmark v. Hungary match. And, bonus, Brazil can pretty much cut its national defense budget to zero.

US Squeak Past Cuba [Goal.com]

As always, someone in public relations is there to ruin the mood:

"A spokeswoman for the British Olympic Authority said: 'There is going to be the opportunity to celebrate the success through different media. There is a party on The Mall tomorrow [Sunday] which will reflect on the successes and look ahead to 2012.'"

Oh, can we? Can we select the most appropriate media through which to celebrate the success of the Official Athletes of Great Britain and Associated Territories? That shall be so grand! We'll form a series of subcommittees to handle the reception. Dibs on Logistics!

Also, does this mean we'll need to find a new parking spot for our bus?

Athletes' airport welcome cancelled over safety fears [The Guardian]

• Eli's Escape: Legendary Play In Super Bowl History. "Initially my thoughts were, "haha, Eli got sacked, it's over." Then when that summabitch wouldn't go down, I changed quickly and said "hot damn, he's not going to let his team lose." And that's what happened. With one play Eli willed his team to victory. And let's not overlook what made this play so spectacular — the fact that it was completed on the other end with an amazing catch by David Tyree. That's the type of play where Eli can easily go down or have the pass batted down. Instead it wasn't, and that's when you knew grace was with the Giants. Let's take another look at it." (In case it's taken down, try this) [Larry Brown Sports]

(Ed. Note: Oh, and here's our Times column and our TSN column.)

• Super Bowl Post-Game: Reliving The Giant Victory. "The biggest key to our success tonight was the Giants ability to generate pressure with their front four. They were in Brady's face all game, and even when they didn't create pressure, they threw off the timing of the Patriot offense. The only time that offense looked right was their touchdown drive in the fourth quarter. The Giants pass rush made Tom Brady look like an average quarterback tonight, plain and simple." [Giants 101]

• Welcome To Perfectville. Population: 1. The really big winners on Sunday? Reebok, which filmed this commercial even though they had to strongly suspect that it would never air. [Reebok]

• Kudos And Wet Willies: Super Bowl XLII Edition. "The Patriots: Oh my God! I am still not sure I believe what I just saw. ... The Patriots couldn't finish off the only thing that really mattered in their entire season, winning the Super Bowl. They were outplayed most of the game, had no answers for the Giants' pass rush and couldn't stop Eli Manning when it mattered most." [Big Blue View]

• And Baby, You Better You Believe!. "Anyway, holy fucking shit. I can't begin to explain the bizarre combination of euphoria and disbelief I have coursing through my veins right now. It can't be described. It really can't. There is no word in the English language that can describe the feeling that comes with winning a Super Bowl against a team that was 18-0 and considered the best team to ever grace a football field. There's just no way to describe it. I have been drinking since 4 p.m. I am on a high of vodka and victory that no one has ever tasted before." [Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog]

• Down Go The Patriots! "That's right, Eli Manning is a Super Bowl champion. And as a Dolphins fan, I congratulate Eli and his teammates the way that I would if Miami had won the Super Bowl. They beat our hated division rivals, and kept the '72 Dolphins' perfect record intact. Sure, New England might have gone 18-0, but what do they have to show for it? An AFC East title? And AFC Championship? Wow. Undefeated and that's what you're rewarded with? Sorry motherfuckers, but you got rolled in the biggest game of the season and that's what you'll be remembered for." [The Sports Oasis]

• They Might Be Giants. The following brave bloggers all picked New York to win: The Sports Lounge ... Afraid Of Ed Hochuli ... Monday Morning Punter (KSK) ... Stupid Sideline Reporters. [The Hot Route] (Ed. Note: Oh, and Daulerio.)

Supposedly it's a high ankle sprain. We're not sure this necessarily changes the outstanding gambling opportunity of betting on Brady to win the Super Bowl MVP, but it assured one more addition to the storylines you're already sick of. This one is probably going to outweigh them all; it's pretty tough to beat the gimpy quarterback carrying flowers for Gisele Bundchen.

In related news, Eli Manning bought one of those roses you get at the gas station for $3.99, slipped it in an envelope and shoved it in a mailbox for his lady. Which was sweet, we thought.

As readers of this column figured out long ago, English is not my first language, which, it turns out, could have helped land me the England coaching job. Today, they hired Italian legend Fabio Capello, who doesn't speak a word of English, to lead them to a first round elimination in the next World Cup. This makes perfect sense, given that his predecessor could barely speak it himself, and he 's a native son. In fact, yesterday Steve McClaren was honored — or if you prefer honoured — for his contribution to the language. He received the highest prize, The Plain English Campaign's "Foot in Mouth" Award, for his brilliant assessment of Wayne Rooney of whom he said "He is inexperienced but he's experienced in terms of what he's been through."

To give you a sense of how monumental this feat is, consider that McClaren beat out an American named George Bush, who has had a lock on the competition for nearly a decade.

Meanwhile, Capello has collected some silverware himself — nine domestic championships and an Champions League title over the course of his 16 years at Milan, Real Madrid, Roma and Juventus. What kind of leader should England expect? Capello is a self-professed fan of Generalissimo Franco who, I understand, coached Spain to some impressive victories in his time by executing those who underperformed. Some say he was a fascist; I say "a winner's a winner."

Capello's clearly in the Franco mold. He once famously raged at his then star Milan player Paulo Di Canio "your face looks like a penis" (apparently, it takes a dickhead to know one) and, of course, who can forget his pronouncement that David Beckham would never play for Real Madrid again? Certainly not David Beckham, who now finds himself in the odd position of trying to make nice with a guy who had written his epitaph.

But recently, as the above photo shows, Capello has tried to soften his hard-ass image. That will go a long way in the England locker room with twinketoed players like Rooney and Terry. Then again, maybe he's simply saying he's a nutcracker.

England striker Ashley Young has apparently been discovered manually manipulating himself online and talkin' real dirty-like.

As he groped himself 22-year-old Aston Villa star Young said: "I'd love to lick ur ****** making them nice and ****...yeh babe, teasing ur ****."

Ignoring all the rules on handling, he went to huge lengths to show himself off and feverishly bashed out saucy demands like: "I wanna have my **** between ur **** and u ****ing the top of my ****."

Hey, they punctuate like ESPN.com! Anyway, most of these "trysts" were actually shot directly before a game, including one with him in uniform. And here we were, making fun of Sean Salisbury. Shame on us.

England's Ashley Young Is A Webcam Wanker [You Been Blinded]

You see, Henry belted out a version of the Croat national anthem before the 80,000+ crowd on Wednesday, but made a small blunder at the end. The Register explains:

The ditty is "written in the old Croat style", and instead of singing Mila kuda si planina — "You know my dear how we love your mountains" — Henry thundered Mila kura si planina, or "My dear, my penis is a mountain".

Anyway, as Lion in Oil points out, most countries and their people would be so be insulted and mortified by this slip-up that they'd be calling for Henry's head. But not the Croats. They loved it!

Accordingly, Croatians are now calling for Henry to be awarded with a medal and appointed their team's official mascot for Euro 2008. Mate Prlic, of Croatian footie mag Torcida, suggested: "He obviously relaxed the players so why not invite him to Euro 2008 to keep the winning streak going?"

England Flops Shafted By Enormous Todger [The Register]
Croatian Soccer Players Only Wish Their Penises Were Mountains [Lion In Oil]

Imagine how much more pleasant my weekend would have been if only I had heeded Osama's plea and converted to Islam. Normally I listen to my fellow Gunners — and Bin Laden is a well-documented supporter of Arsenal — but in this case I like alcohol too much, and I haven't had a thing for virgins since 2005.

Believe me, I thought about it. With the Days of Atonement nearly upon us, it would have gotten me out of 24 hours of fasting (OK, seven), and I won't have to repent for all the sins I have committed against MLS and David Beckham.

But remaining true to my tribe made watching England open up a can of whup-tuchus with a 3-0 beatdown of Israel that much more painful, to say nothing of the $20 Setanta shook us down for at Kinsale Tavern. After all, when it comes down to choosing between the British and Yiddish, I vote with my foreskin — or what's left of it.

Not that I gave Yossi's Posse much of a chance against the cortisone-injected toes of Gerrard and Terry plus the withering pace of Wright-Phillips who was subbing for the busted, rusting chassis that is Beckham. It's one thing to hold England to a scoreless draw in Tel Aviv, as Israel heroically did in the first leg of their Euro qualifier, but it's asking an awful lot to expect a similar miracle at Wembley where the baying, flag-waving Brits act as if it's still 1966.

But, sweet Moses, did Israel have to make it so easy for England, the same England, I might add, that couldn't score a goal against Macefuckindonia? Did they have to play so cluelessly and tentatively that they made Owen and Heskey look like Ronaldo and Ronaldinho instead of a couple of guys who last lit it up against Argentina in 1998? I know Jews don't like to exert themselves on the Sabbath, but how could three Israeli defenders allow Owen to spin like a dreidel in the box and smash in that second goal unmolested? Mercifully, I didn't get to see the first goal because just as Joe Cole curled the ball toward Wright-Phillips — who was as wide open as the Negev desert — Setanta lost the transmission. "That's what happens," said my friend British Brad, as riot police used tear gas to quell all the rowdy fans at Kinsale screaming for a refund, "when you put a TV company in the hands of the Irish rather than the Jews."

Unlike me, British Brad was torn between rooting for his tribesmen or the country of his birth to run up the score, because that morning he had put down five pounds at 12-1 for England to win 4-0. When Micah Richard powered in a free header in the 66th minute, thanks to Owen barging into the Israeli keeper, BB actually looked like he might salvage something from this wretched morning other than the three Guinnesses he had consumed by noon. Me, I took a small measure of delight from watching Benayoun, otherwise useless all game, crunch into his club teammate Gerrard, a tackle that could be heard all the way in Liverpool .. where Rafa Benitez was pulling out the hairs from his chiney, chin, chin, as he agonized over Stevie G's damaged toe. When Gerrard hobbled off, Benayoun must have been hoping that he had improved his chances of getting some more playing time in Liverpool's crowded midfield.

Minutes later, Owen dribbled around the keeper and was about to make British Brad $100 richer when an Israeli defender slid in at the last second to clear the ball off the line. "It's OK," said a forlorn BB, "I still have enough money to last me the rest of my life. So long as I don't buy anything."

In light of Beckham's stellar play with Real Madrid of late, he's on his way back to England's national team. I don't know if he should be terribly flattered, though ... it might not have happened if Ashley Cole, Gary Neville, Andrew Johnson, Micah Richards, Owen Hargreaves and Ben Foster weren't all hurt.

Coach Steve McClaren 86'd Beckham when he took over managing duties, and Beckham might have had every right to tell him to sod off (I think that's what they say), but he took the high road. He expressed disappointment, kept his head held high, and now he's back. Heartwarming.

England has a friendly against Brazil next week and then a crucial game against Estonia in Euro 2008 qualifying.

Beckham recalled for England [Guardian Unlimited]
But Did He Ever Really Leave? [Soccernista]

In every man's life, there comes a time when he has to choose sides. Bud or Miller. Emmitt Smith or Mario Lopez. Gay or straight ... we've all been there. But this weekend I faced the most agonizing choice in the history of my soccer fandom. That's right: England vs. Israel.

In other words, the British vs. the Yiddish. Where do I even begin to tell you how divided my loyalties were? For one thing, I was watching the game with my father, who still wants to believe that Rex Grossman is a Jew. And for that matter, David Eckstein, too. It hardly matters that he raised me to be a sick Arsenal fan. Not that they have any English players.

Still, I have steadfastly suffered through England's shite years (approximately the last 40) and have obsessively followed the fortunes of Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard and the rest of the overpaid, underperforming wankers on a weekly basis. Why, I ask my father, should I now forsake the Lion for Zion?

"Because it's the biggest match ever on Israeli soil, " my father explained, "and last I checked you were Jewish."

"It's not like even all of Israel's players are members of the tribe, " I argued, pointing to the stocky black teenager Toto Tomuz wearing the white and blue. "You never know," my father said, "they used to say the same thing about Sammy Davis Jr."

(more after the jump)

Jewish or not, Toto scared the bejeesus out of England— at least for the first 10 minutes. A 19-year-old Nigerian-born striker whose parents emigrated to the Promised Land when he was three years old, Toto twice wriggled his way behind the England defense only to put the ball wide. "If he had scored, " my father said, somewhat deliriously, "he would have had a lifetime seat at our seder table."

You could forgive my father's euphoria. Though they were both tied with seven points in their qualifying group for the European Championships, the gulf between England and Israel in skill, strength and salaries was as wide as the West Bank. But for those glorious opening minutes, Israel forgot that they hadn't qualified for any major tournament since 1970 and went for the throat. With West Ham's Yossi Benayoun orchestrating the attack, Israel pushed forward, stoked by the deafening chants of 42,000 fans who were in a particularly buoyant mood, given the tension in their country. Perhaps they were celebrating the recent news that Hooters was opening a branch this summer in Tel Aviv.

Of course, it was only a matter of time until England's nerves settled, and they cranked up their offense. And what an offense it was! A slow, deliberate buildup that could put you to sleep before they crossed the midfield line. With Israel packing 10 men behind the ball and turning their penalty area into an impregnable fortress, England opted to hoof speculative balls down the left flank to Aaron Lennon or over the top to Andy Johnson. England's latest tactical genius Steve McLaren had counted on Lennon's and Johnson's speed to burn the Israelis, but aside from a few nervous moments Israel's stout defense was equal to the challenge. Bolton's Ben Haim did particularly heroic work in front of goal, essentially turning Rooney into his bee-yatch and causing the England striker to lose his legendary sangfroid. Rooney and Ben Haim exchanged trash talk and shoves, but the Israeli hard man left the field with his swingers intact.

England's reputation, however, was in tatters, as the game ended in a double bagel 0-0, marking the fourth consecutive match in which England has failed to score and causing their supporters in the crowd to serenade McClaren with a chorus of "What a load of rubbish." Of course, it could have been worse. As Pino Zahavi, Israel's answer to Scott Boras, predicted before the game, "If England stumbles in Israel ... they will drink McClaren's blood."

Well, each to his own. My father and I celebrated Israel's moral victory by drinking a couple of Stellas and making a date for yesterday's U.S.—Ecuador friendly in which Benny Feilhaber was making his first start for the national team.

Go, you Yids!

So yesterday was a key Euro 2008 soccer qualifier between Croatia and England, everyone all fired up, everything second counting ... and then goalie Paul Robinson made the mistake of his life.

You really hate to see that. Fortunately, nobody makes a big deal out of soccer in England.

Good Grief [That's On Point]

Wales 1-5 Slovakia. Welsh goalkeeper Paul Jones was so excited about making his 50th cap today that he decided to make his head look absolutely ridiculous. Dennis Rodman saw that and said, "eh, that's a bit much." And if he would've just changed that 0 to a 1, and put a dash in between the numbers, he'd have had an accurate score prediction on the back of his head. Wales ended up getting pounded, and some Welsh barber wasted an awful lot of time.

Scotland 1-0 France. The old maxim "if it's not Scottish, it's crap," was proved true again today. The Scots are atop the Group B qualifying after their win over France today. The French actually had two goals in the net, but both were called back by offsides calls. Theirry Henry, continuing with his fine form this evening, bounced one off the post. France controlled the play for much of the day, but they couldn't capitalize, and Scottish defender Gary Caldwell buried them in the 67th minute.

England 0-0 Macedonia. Check out the mighty Macedonians, holding strong at Old Trafford. They gave England all they could handle today, limiting their chances, and narrowly missing a few of their own. Things had been going swimmingly for England under Steve McClaren to this point, but today, they were awful. Steven Gerrard picked up a second yellow card, too, so he won't be making the trip to Croatia on Wednesday.

European Championship Qualifying Scores [ESPN Soccernet]

England 5-0 Andorra. England continues to beat some international ass under the tutelage of Steve McClaren. I know it's just been Greece and Andorra, but they rarely killed anybody under Sven Goran-Eriksson. Credit the Andorrans for trying their hardest to cheat, though, taking some borderline tackles, and flopping like fish (or a woman, for that matter) on Latrell Sprewell's boat. Jermain Defoe and Peter Crotch scored twice each for the Brits, and Steven Gerrard got one of his own.

Scotland 6-0 Faroe Islands. Proving once again that if it's not Scottish, it's crap. That may not be entirely fair, actually... the Faroe Islands actually tied Scotland twice recently, in 1999 and 2002. No such luck today as Kris Boyd had two goals for the Scots. The Faroe Islands, in an illustration of just how bad they are, lost their opening qualifying game against Georgia, 6-0. 6-0 to freaking Georgia. Georgia