It's not like Beckham struts to the plate to "Enter Sandman" or "Hell's Bells," like the dominant closers of the era, or even to a five-second clip from some flavor-of-the-week rap. Beckham's choice: "Your Love," by The Outfield. You know the one:

"Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I wanna say
You know I like my girls a little bit older
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight"

Try getting it out of your head. I dare you. It's impossible.

Just ask other major leaguers. Kelly Johnson, on the Braves, recently switched to The Outfield after earning a blessing from Beckham, who, apparently, owns the MLB rights to the song. (If song-granting permission is anything like the art of swapping jersey numbers, Beckham could have earned some serious swag from Johnson. Like Outfield concert tickets, or something.) Rumor has it Eric Byrnes also uses "Your Love," but he never talked with Rabbi Beckham, who assured reporters that "he was going to investigate."

With such a heinous crime unsolved, there's only one thing to do: I-Team, assemble!

Beckham Starts A Trend [Sox Drawer]
Braves Player Steals Our Savior's Entrance Music [Tremendous Upside Potential]
UGA's Beckham thriving in big league moment [AJC]

All hail the Purple Power mouth guard, developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia and embraced by Byrnes, Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. Byrnes, in the Arizona Republic:

"I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring," the Diamondbacks outfielder said.

Get this man a chart of the human body, stat.

But Mad Scientist Anil Makkar, inventor of the device, swears it's true:

"The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body," Makkar said. "So what we're basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. ... It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength."

And just listen to this testimonial by the Diamondbacks' Mark Reynolds:

"It's supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit," the third baseman said.

You going to try it out?

"No."

I think we all know that this will never really catch on until Alyssa Milano starts using one.

Byrnes On Growing List Using Mouthguards [Arizona Republic]

Byrning Heat Trailer - New Eric Byrnes Show debuts Sept. 1

All props to ClueHeywood, who sent this in, and adds: "It's kind of funny. Funnier still is that two of those players probably won't be with the team next year."

Byrning Heat Trailer — New Eric Byrnes Show Debuts Sept. 1 [MySpace TV]

The Chicago Sun-Times brings home the money quote:

"I'd prefer not to have a grown man standing there looking at my pickle, but if they have to do it for the sake of the game, I'm in. They watch the whole thing."

It's a good thing men are administering the drug tests, though. If it were women, more than likely it'd be impossible to keep that thing down on a regular basis. Although that seems like the kind of endurance test that the WACKY AND COLORFUL Eric Byrnes might enjoy.

First In Line [Chicago Sun-Times] (fourth item down)

I didn't realize how many degenerates sit there at home and watch television and surf the Internet and look for ways to belittle people. People should not be concentrating on what I'm wearing and what my hair looks like. They should be concerned with my flow and the knowledge coming out of my mouth.

For the record, we had no particular problem around these parts with Byrnes' "flow" or "knowledge" or anything else that was coming out of his mouth; we simply pointed out that if you're going to put a guy in a tie, you might as well pretend he didn't just finish licking a toaster. Byrnes' is expected to be back on FOX tonight, so if any of you degenerates out there feel like watching Jenny Zelasko not be scared of the pomaded caveman next to her, you'll have the opportunity to view it and then surf the Internet for all your belittling needs later in the evening.

Byrnes' Night [AZ Snake Pit]
Eric Byrnes Showed Up To The Set At Least [Deadspin]

(We would, however, like to commend Byrnes for calling Scott Spezio's unfortunate facial hair construction "The Tickler," with a smirk, while Zelasko looked for somewhere to hide.)

(Photo via Can't Stop The Bleeding)

But ... we should probably talk about Eric Byrnes. As a ballplayer, we've always liked Byrnes, though a little of the scrappy hustle schtick goes a long way. And he doesn't sound any more foolish on television than John Kruk. But Lord, man: Nobody at ESPN has a freaking comb? Look at that guy! Not that we can particularly talk, but we're veering into Yahoo Serious territory here. With this and Barry Melrose on "SportsCenter" this morning, it was enough to make us long for the chin hair of Chris Duncan.

We understand that Byrnes is a free spirit — as much as a "free spirit" as any professional baseball player can be — and that he was to, like, express himself ... but come on, you've already got him wearing a tie! We look forward to seeing if Encino Man is back on the telecast today; perhaps he just stick his head in a toaster and eliminate the middleman.

ESPN Can't Find A Comb For Eric Byrnes [Flash Warner]

(Photo via Can't Stop The Bleeding)

Yes, it is now time to meet a man who has somehow decided to devote his life to Blue Jays' outfielder Vernon Wells. Aside from being the proud owner of one of Wells' jocks, which he painted gold, Canyon's big project right now is to try and get Wells onto the All-Star roster. And there is nothing he will not do to get your votes, as you can see in this disturbing video from his website. It's kind of hard to describe, but a reader tries:

The disappointing part is that "Maniac" from Flashdance comes on the PA just as he's getting stopped by security. One can only imagine "it" flopping around in his wet boxer briefs as the sweet sounds of Michael Sembello are pumped through the stadium. Ugh. Good God, man.

We have a damp, gray feeling right now, as if we will never be cheerful again.

Vote Vernon Wells! [MLB Blogs]
Life, Baseball And Eric Byrnes [MLB Blogs]

(UPDATE: It's worth noting that many, many people think this guy is on the Blue Jays payroll.)

Some of the world's biggest names in surfing took on swells that reached up to 50 feet in height. But one of the most interesting sights of the day, according to our man, involved Byrnes.

Byrnes was with a group of people watching from a boat. These waves are huge and dangerous, but all of a suddden there's this 12-year-old kid out there on a surf board, just hanging out a little beyond the break. He's not in danger, but if he paddles in a few feet he will be. So Byrnes and these guys start yelling for the kid to paddle into the break. They're saying "Come on! Go for it!" I couldn't believe it.

It appears that the kid had enough sense not to try it. And blabbing to us about this is one thing, but I hope no one told the kid's mom. Or this woman, for that matter.

Maverick's Surf Contest [San Francisco Chronicle]
Life, Baseball & Eric Byrnes [MLB Blogs]

"July 30: The Good News: An RBI double his second time up! The Bad News: He got picked off second two minutes later."

"July 31: The team didn't win. Oh well, it's not Byrnesie's fault the White Sox scored 9 runs."

"Aug. 1: Byrnes left 3 on base, 2 in scoring position."

"Aug. 3: With a runner on first and two out, Byrnes looked at a fastball for strike 3. Oh, how I hate called strike 3!"

Down the Left Field Line; Life, Baseball and Eric Byrnes [MLB Blogs]