And not just any white folk, mind you. White Americans, a "group that's never been smaller" in the NBA. (You may leave the room now, Steve Nash.) Outside the Lines seems to think the lack of white American ballplayers is a matter of profound concern for the NBA, which is a league by and large run by white Americans, coached by white Americans and marketed to white Americans, and whose white American commissioner once hired a white American political consultant named Matthew Dowd in a transparent effort to win back fans in Middle America — which is to say, white Americans.

You can watch a teaser for the video here, but you'll probably get an idea of what we're dealing with when I tell you that the piece opens with some B-roll of Kyle McAlarney — self-described "consummate backup point guard" — working very hard in a lonely, echoing gym. There's a pretty bar graph or two. There's Mark Schwartz making his Concerned Face and firing some heat at poor Wayne Embry, who bumbles into saying that the NBA's legalization of the zone was a sop to the white kids. And then there's someone, I can't recall who, suggesting that white players like McAlarney don't get a shot because they're unfairly stereotyped as bad defensive players, which, if you're like me, is roughly the point where you threw the remote at the television.

The implication here is that Kyle McAlarney would be in the NBA if it weren't for the pernicious stereotype about white players and defense. There are several problems with this, the most obvious of which is that the stereotype doesn't exist (slow and unathletic, maybe, but that's not the same thing), and even if it did, well, it would shrink in comparison to the enormous pile of happy code words invariably ascribed to white guys: scrappy, gym rat, team player, hard worker, fundamentally sound, plays the right way, etc. I don't pretend to know why there aren't more white Americans in the NBA, and I don't particularly care. This isn't a Serious Thing. (Baseball, with its dwindling population of black Americans, has a Serious Thing, if only because it spent half a century doing everything it could to earn black Americans' indifference.) For OTL to go rummaging around the dark recesses of the league's psyche for some sinister explanation to a piece of demographic trivia isn't just wrongheaded; it's a rite borrowed from the Church of the Aggrieved White Male (Bishop Glenn Beck presiding). The story reaches its absurd apex with McAlarney saying, in all seriousness (I quote from memory):

I'm trying to pave a way for myself ... and for guys like me.

Kyle McAlarney: the Jackie Robinson of white American basketball players. At last check, he was playing for the Fort Wayne Mad Ants of the NBA's D-League, scoring 9.3 points per game.

OTL Promo: Kyle McAlarney [ESPN]

How awful? Let us consult Twitter. First, everyone had questions:

Why is Rick Reilly doing SportsCenter?

Why is Rick Reilly doing Sportscenter highlights?

Why is Rick Reilly doing highlights on Sportscenter?

Why do I have to watch Rick Reilly run down highlights? #gaack

Ughh why is Rick Reilly anchoring SportsCenter now?

why in the hell is rick reilly hosting sports center

What the hell is Rick Reilly doing on Sportscenter?! Make it stop!

What the fuck is Rick Reilly doing anchoring SportsCenter? He is GOD awful. Please stop the insanity.

Why is Rick Reilly anchoring SportsCenter? This is horrendous.

Why is Rick Reilly doing hosting SportsCenter......this is AWEFUL!!!!!

Why is Rick Reilly hosting Sports Center? Why are you shoving him down my throat, ESPN?

Ummm...anyone wanna tell me why Rick Reilly (tm) is hosting SportsCenter?

Seriously- why the fuck IS Rick Reilly hosting Sportscenter?!

Who thought it was a good idea to let Rick Reilly anchor SC?

Who's bright idea was it to put Rick Reilly on Sportscenter?

rick reilly a sportscenter anchor? WTF?

Rick Reilly hosting @SportsCenter ? Nooooooo!!!!!

Then came the reviews. A few were understated ...

I don't like that Rick Reilly is a Sportscenter anchor now.

Rick Reilly looks real uncomfortable co-anchoring sportscenter!

Rick Reilly anchoring Sportscenter...interesting.

Rick Reilly anchoring SportsCenter. #fail

... others, less so:

Reilly sucks Linda Cohen penis! Get him off

Three took an epistolary approach:

dear twitter, please never let Rick Reilly anchor sportscenter ever again...not once, not never...hopefully, joshua

Dear #ESPN, please keep Rick #Reilly off #Sportscenter, for the love of God, the last time he wasn't awkward, he was asleep.

Dear ESPN: What can we do to keep Rick Reilly off of the SportsCenter desk? I am willing to pay something if that helps.

Some could express his awfulness only in relation to other awful things:

Rick Reilly, you are the Mark Madsen dancing of ESPN SportsCenter anchors. #espn #fail

2day..heard Joe Brown call hockey & saw Rick Reilly host SC. Could watch my dog get shot tmrw & 2day would still be my worst day of the week

Rick Reilly has to be the worst Sportscenter Anchor ever. I mean I'd rather listen to an hour of Berman than this fool.

I rather listen to the Jonas Brothers or Taylor Swift than listening to Rick Reilly...smh.

speaking of Rick Reilly anchoring SportsCenter? No worse than hiring Jonathan "The Coach" Coachman from WWE as an anchor.

Rick Reilly on SportsCenter is as brutal as me trying to play basketball.

Egad, they're letting Rick Reilly host #SportsCenter. So it's a choice between turning to a real estate infomercial or gouging my eyes out.

Rick Reilly now mailing in SportsCenter. ESPN pulling a Grady Little with him.

Rick Reilly on SportsCenter = trainwreck

Three cited famous comic idioms:

Rick Reilly on SportsCenter: 2 minutes in, two major mistakes. I expect to hear him bust out a "Sweet Sassy Molassy" any minute now...

ok can we PLEASE get Rick Reilly off the Sportscenter desk?! he is stinkin the joint up right now... boom goes the dynamite!

Rick Reilly is fast approaching boom goes the dynamite territory.

Two expressed nausea and existential dread:

Rick Reilly doing SportsCenter LA...I think I'm going to throw up

Rick Reilly hosting sportscenter is some kind of very bad sign. I may just stay inside for a few weeks.

Certain reviews addressed ESPN directly ...

Rick Reilly is AWFUL on SportsCenter. Never again ESPN.

I'm accepting ideas on appropriate punishments for ESPN for allowing Rick Reilly to host SportsCenter.

Rick Reilly should not be a sportscenter anchor. Please get him off the air

Sportscenter, please stop the Rick Reilly experiment. He's terrible and makes watching my favorite show brutally painful

Rick Reilly should not be a sportscenter anchor. Please get him off the air

Rick Reilly on ESPN @ 6am ouch! Come on guys #fail, seriously you couldn't find anyone else to fill in

DO NOT LET RICK REILLY BE A SPORTSCENTER ANCHOR EVER! Is everyone else sick??

... and others offered career advice to Reilly himself:

Rick Reilly... PLEASE don't do Sportscenter again!

Watchin rick reilly anchor sportscenter is a catastrophe...dude gotta stick to writing dis aint doin dude any justice! CMON SON!!

Words cannot describe how much I hate Rick Reilly on Sportscenter. Stick to writing self-aggrandizing and empty columns Rick!

Rick Reilly. Stop anchoring SportsCenter. And don't read the prompter on a single shot when it's a two-shot open. Stick to writing bro.

Rick Reilly is co-anchoring SportsCenter. Can't he just stay away from TV and stick to a medium where he can just re-hash articles? Ugh...

I agree about Rick Reilly, he was garbage on SportsCenter. He should stick to treacle-sweet human interest stories.

Rick Reilly is not a very good anchor on SportsCenter. Stick to writing.

Rick Reilly has no business anchoring SportsCenter or being on camera period stick with the keyboard.

Rick Reilly is anchoring SportsCenter. Note to Rick: stick to writing...circa 1980. The Tiger comm. from yesterday was completely ridiculous

why the fuck is rick reilly doing sportscenter? just stick to your shitty writing

Why is Rick Reilly anchoring SportsCenter? He is annoying and quite corny, stick to writing.

What is Rick Reilly doing on Sportscenter? Rick, you're a writer, not a broadcaster. Pick up the pen and put the mic down.

Rick Reilly should get a job with FOX News, he's got that smell about him.

A handful offered a technical critique:

Rick Reilly just suigued from one college bball game to another by saying "Now to college basketball". Dumbass.

rick reilly's hosting the 1am eastern sportscenter... right off the top, he's looking at the wrong camera. love it

Will someone PLEASE tell Rick Reilly that he needs to look at Camera 1?

Rick Reilly just did the entire opening of SportsCenter looking into the wrong camera. Made him look blind.

Rick Reilly's hosting Sportscenter LA?? And he already screwed up, looking in the wrong camera. What a douche. GTFO

Rick Reilly is doing highlights on Sportscenter right now. He is AWFUL. You can see him clearly reading the teleprompter. Way to go ESPN.

Worst sports voices #3 - Rick Reilly. Always the cadence of a vaudeville straight man setting up a punchline. Always.

Only Rick Reilly could ruin a John Wall Kentucky basketball highlight...

And, finally, someone asked "the real question":

The real question...does anyone actually like Rick Reilly? I find myself changing the channel everytime he comes on ESPN...

Why, yes, as it happens. There's this guy:

Rick Reilly co-anchoring Sportscenter? I'm all for it!

Sadly, our lone peppy voice was quickly shouted down:

you. must. be. CRAZY. rick. reilly. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKSSS.

Twitter / Search - rick reilly [Twitter]

As you can probably imagine, Stephen A. Smith is partially responsible for this double dealing on ESPN's website. (They still haven't changed it, btw.) He was the first to publish the report that Iverson would retire after his attempt to sign with the Knicks fell through. A report that no one wants to believe. Even SAS admits that Iverson doesn't really want to quit, and John Thompson says he won't allow it to happen, and sooner or later someone is going to need a point guard, so really ... he's not retired.

But he still could be! So until then ... dual contradicting headlines will do just fine. Now who needs another turkey sandwich?

Report: Allen Iverson planning to retire from the NBA [ESPN - thanks JB!]

* * * * *

If you're at work today, I'm sorry about that. I really have no idea what's going on here, but we'll be posting some stuff about something until we aren't anymore. Stick around or don't, but withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy.

The memo, in full:

Our Workplace

Top Story 11/19/09 @ 3:33 PM - Updated: 11/20/09 @ 10:09 AM

A message from George Bodenheimer

My recent ITK message addressed a series of issues and allegations related to workplace behavior at ESPN. It reflected the pride and passion I feel for the work we do and the disappointment that follows when we fail to live up to the high standards of conduct expected of every employee. As we move ahead, we are taking numerous steps to enhance our efforts to maintain a company that shows care and respect for all employees and is free of harassment of any kind. If you have concerns, bring them forward. I assure you we will fully address any circumstance in which we are not living up to our commitment, especially those related to alleged sexual improprieties or discriminatory conduct.

Managers will be held fully accountable for reporting and acting upon inappropriate workplace behavior. Any leader who fails to act responsibly in this regard or whose leadership capability is compromised by their own conduct will not be a part of our Company's future. Our goal is simply stated: for each of us to represent ESPN every day with class, dignity and integrity.

In addition to the measures we already have in place, which can be accessed on ITK , below are some of further steps we will take:

• more frequent and prominent dissemination and discussion of our Standards of Conduct policies

• more frequent, in-person mandatory workplace behavior training at every level

• prominent publication of our employee Hotline number (where employees can anonymously report any concerns) and the list and contact numbers of our HR employee relations specialists

• a complete review of the workplace environment for all entry level positions with particular focus on studio and remote production staffing

• continued engagement of our Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) to provide on-going feedback and assistance in training, mentoring and guiding employees

These are all top-line descriptions of our efforts and HR will be following up over the next 90 days with details. I am confident that positive results will follow.

Thank you all for your support. I want to especially thank the ESPN Women ERG for its advice and counsel over these past weeks — your perspective has been tremendously helpful.

We have a great company full of hard working, kind, dedicated and generous people. Your efforts and unerring commitment are the foundation of our culture and the keys to ESPN's continuing success.

Hundley went on TV this morning—you can watch the whole thing here—to defend herself against charges that she's some kind of crazy lunatic, because she's totally not. In a lengthy interview, filled with many softly lit questions, she claims that she was not stalking anyone and that Phillips was the one who threatened her, saying he could get her fired if she spilled the beans about their sexcapades. Hundley says that she never meant to hurt anyone, "I simply wanted somebody to get upset enough to have an impact, to get me out of this horrific situation." A situation she helped create, but still ... not a picnic.

Hundley also says that she and Phillips have "resolved their issues," but still hopes that he "would grow up and take responsibility for his own actions." (That's kind of how most Mets fans feel too.) But in an all-time "where do you get off?" moment, she sorta apologizes to Marni Phillips, but does so by saying that now that she's been humiliated in public, Hundley "understands her pain." You know, the pain caused by knowing another woman slept with your husband.

"I've been called things by the public that no woman should ever be called," she said. "I couldn't go a day without getting, you know, 200 messages in my inbox from people that have never met me, just labeling, just calling me names. I've been called the 'C' word. I've been called a whore. I've been called a homewrecker."

Worse than all of that? She was the punchline to Jay Leno joke. "That was my breaking point," she says, and who can blame her? I mean, it would be one thing if Letterman or Conan made a crack about her looks, because that might have actually been funny. But Leno? Heck, I'd even take a Jimmy Kimmel zinger before subjecting myself to that nightmare.

So in the end, the key takeaway here is that if you made fun of Brooke Hundley's appearance, you're basically Jay Leno. Stings, doesn't it?

Exclusive: Steve Phillips' Mistress, Brooke Hundley, Speaks Out [Video @ ABC News]

Daulerio will never admit this, and I probably shouldn't, but on January 23, 2003, we, along with fellow Black Table editor Eric Gillin, a Boston guy, stayed up to watch the debut of "The Jimmy Kimmel Show." We did this solely because Bill Simmons was a writer for the show. I'm not sure what we were expecting to see: Late-night talk shows aren't in the habit of giving guest appearances to lower-tier writers in their first episodes. (The show was a mess: This is back when they were openly drinking on set, and it was chaos. I think at one point, Kimmel tried to deep fat fry a ventriloquist dummy while "guest" Adam Corolla plaintively attempted to remind a piss-drunk Kimmel that "YOU ARE ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.") But it felt important somehow. A television show smart enough to hire Bill Simmons to write for them, well, that was something we couldn't miss. We felt like we knew him.

It's easy to forget this now, now that sports blogs are everywhere, now that Simmons is as much of an establishment figure as Chris Berman, now that the man produces his own television show, but back when he first came to ESPN, in 2001, he seemed like a revolutionary figure. I remember working in a doctor's office in May 2001 and reading his Is Roger Clemens the Antichrist? column. (I was not familiar with his Boston Sports Guy work.) I couldn't believe someone was getting away with this. Today, phrases like "kicked in the gonads," "this was the musical equivalent of U2 asking for a contract extension from their record company on the heels of "Zooropa" and "Pop")" and "looking like he was auditioning for the 'Chris Farley Story'" are familiar Simmons tropes: Everyone writes like that now. But not in 2001. In 2001, Skip Bayless was the "hip" columnist at Page 2. The other column I vividly remember from the period was Simmons' guide to the Atlanta Gold Club trial, which featured graphic descriptions of Patrick Ewing receiving oral sex from two women and this immortal aside:

During [Andruw] Jones's susbsequent testimony, the prosecutor asked which of the women Jones had sex with, and Jones answered, "Both of them," adding, "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." One of my personal favorite quotes from the trial.

What Simmons was doing was so different from what anyone else was doing that it didn't even seem to be the same medium. They were letting him do this? (Eventually, they would stop, somewhat: That Gold Club column got a solid scrubbing from ESPN back in 2007.) Other sportswriters hated Simmons immediately, ostensibly because of those tired Doesn't Sit In The Press Box arguments, but mostly because he was connecting with people, he was proving that the empty Verse Chorus Verse of the inverted pyramid and Fire The Manager! wasn't going to cut it anymore. Simmons was talking about sports the way people actually talked about sports. It's no wonder he was so disliked by the insiders and so embraced — tentatively at first, like a viral meme that spread, have you seen this guy? — by the masses. He gave hope for a lot of people — including, yeah, me, and Daulerio, and Gillin — that maybe the landscape for this shit, maybe it existed.

That turned, of course. It always does. Eventually the obsessives began carping — I think the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 was when the minor Bill Simmons Is A Douche! movement began — and the mainstream folks, unable to deny his success any longer, began meeting him halfway, featuring him above everyone else on the site and encouraging their own writers to impersonate him. (That Rick Reilly sits next to Simmons on ESPN.com's front page today is wonderfully surreal: No one's reputation as Sports Wit suffered more from Simmons' ascendance than Reilly. He morphed from Jim Murray to Henny Youngman, seemingly in a matter of weeks.) Sports blogs blew up, including this one, sites that put the Establishment (whatever that was) in their crosshairs and started firing, ultimately blasting in every possible direction, no matter what got hit. Inevitably, Simmons would become a target. He was the biggest name — to us, anyway. But even in those attacks, sometimes justified, sometimes not, there was always a little bit held back. After all, everyone still read Simmons: No matter how many Karate Kid and Teen Wolf references there were, you still always read him. You still took him seriously, even if it were to trash him. Nobody does that with Jay Mariotti, or Bayless, or Reilly. (Honestly, when's the last time you seriously read anything by those guys?) They're easily dismissed. They've been mailing in their work for a decade. No one has ever accused Simmons of that.

A large part of Simmons' appeal has always been that sense that you knew him, that somehow you were invested in his success. Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman will sell more books in their lifetime than Simmons, but people don't wait in lines spanning around the block just to have them sign their book like they do for Simmons. (A search for photos of Simmons brings up hundreds of shots of him posing with fans.) People want to know what his wife's like — type "Bill Simmons" into Google, and the second hit is "Bill Simmons wife," and the fourth is "Bill Simmons wife picture" — and what his kids are like and whether he's different in Los Angeles than he was in Boston. This is all absurd, of course. The guy types into a computer at a coffee shop all day. But it's what fans have always done with Simmons, even those who purport to hate him. Simmons turned into an indie rock band from the early '90s. "He's hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon now? SELLOUT!" We treated Simmons like he was a guy from our neighborhood who made it big, like it was important that he remember the little people who got him there. In a way, he kind of was.

Now there he is, atop the New York Times Bestseller list, as establishment a pedestal as one can imagine. Simmons did something incredibly rare, particularly in our fractured, niche media world: He made the culture come to him. His triumph is his own, but, in a strange way, it feels like a victory for all of us. The sports culture needed changing, and Simmons is walking evidence that it can, and did. Somewhere out there, there's a college student with a viewpoint different than everyone else, and he/she will show up and change everything too, exposing Simmons (and the rest of us) the way he did to Reilly. That'll happen again. Thank heavens. Good ideas win out. Perseverance and new perspectives break through. The old rots and washes away. Sometimes the good guys win.

(Photo via this outstanding Flickr set.)

Sports Media Challenge, which helped produce the segment for SportsCenter every weekday since April, says they had a six-month contract that simply expired, but that they will continue working with ESPN to create other online, social media-type stuff for the network's other properties. But if you're an up-and-coming young sports blogger who has been dying to hear Sage Steele read a pithy quote from one of your posts on the air ... it's not happening. Yeah, sorry about that.

Sports Media Challenge - Training and Consulting for Sports Personalities [SMC]

We've worked hard to establish Deadspin as the Worldwide Leader in pictures of little kids falling off racing sheep, but we always knew that someday the sport would outgrow us and eventually capture the hearts and minds of miniature rodeo fans everywhere. After all ... we never had the budget for a "mutton cam."

We're so proud of those little guys! The children too, I guess.

E:60 Mutton Bustin' [Full report @ ESPN]

Tears, anger, underage drinking. Last night apparently had it all. Pictures and stories from the front lines ahead. Everything [sic] of course.

[Top photo from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder"]
[Tweets via The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen]

7:02 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder":

"The line for the bill simmons signing at professor thom's is absurdly long. Lots of people hoping that they are selling books at a bar."

9:22 p.m. from Joe M. From Brooklyn:

"i am happy to say, without any reason to lie, that i have the FIRST book bill simmons singed in the entire NYC!!!

It was tough to get it but i did, i was 10th online and wasnt allowed in the bar because i was underage, but i did not let that stop me! Thanks to Bill's publicist she told bill he should sign my book (and a couple of other underage fans) right inside the bar before he actually walked in! it was amazing, there were hundrands of ppl and i was out of there by 7:15!!

I got him to write "this is ourrrrrrrrr country"! Havent put the book down since i got it!!

Love you bill!"

10:44 p.m. from Phil, aka "Peter Cavan":

"Subject: I met Bill Simmons!!

Ok, not really, since I didn't get to shake his hand. But he did sign his book for me.

I got to Professor Thom's at 6:45 pm and the line was already around the corner and down the block. They handed out wristbands around 7 and told us that if we already had the book we could go inside the bar. I didn't have the book yet as I hadn't decided until 5 today that I was going to the signing. So I waited in line with a few other Deadspin readers and several hundred strangers. The line behind me continued to grow until it reached 3rd Avenue.

By 8 pm we had turned the corner and could see the WS game through the windows of the lounge next door. At 8:30 I was inside the bar. That's when we learned how they were running the signing. They called us up in blocks of 20 based on the numbers on our wristbands. My number was 5872 and they had just reached 5700. It took about 10 minutes per block of numbers so I figured I had about another 90 minutes to wait. The bar was ridiculously crowded. People were pressing in from outside, people with signed copies were trying to get out, and many, many people were sitting at the bar watching the game. Surprisingly, the mood wasn't all that bad. I got to meet CPSL as he and his girlfriend were leaving. Around 9 pm they told us that if our numbers hadn't been called yet we should wait outside, so I went around to 14th St, got a sandwich and came back about 20 minutes later. At 9:45 I went back into the bar and bought my copy of the book from the Borders staff working at the back. A few minutes later and it was my turn to meet the man himself.

The signing itself happened so fast I hardly had time to think about it. They had Simmons and a few other guys sitting at a table at the back beneath a large TV. One of the guys looked like Jack-O. Simmons was standing up and signing a book for someone who seemed like one of his friends (based on the conversation that was wrapping up). He was taller and thinner than I expected. He sat down again and I stepped up to the table. He said hello and I thanked him for taking the time to sign for all these people. Then I told him I'm not really an NBA fan but that maybe I'd become one after reading the book. He said he thought I'd like it. He handed me my book and I made a quick exit from the bar.

My legs are tired from standing, I'm $23 poorer and I missed half the WS game. And I suppose I have to read the book now. On the other hand, I did get to eat a great sandwich from Thai Me Up. So I got that going for me. All in all, not a bad night."

11:22 p.m. from "Taish":

"I wore my Knicks Starbury jersey and Simmons let out a big laugh when he saw me wearing it. I was one of the first 30 people to get mine signed but I heard he stayed for 4 hours until everyone had a chance to get a signature. He even signed books outside of the bar for those who weren't 21 and couldnt get in. He's a good guy."

11:37 p.m. from Jeremy C.:

"I'm a Cubs fan (was wearing a Cubs jacket) and had the Sports Fella sign my book thusly (calling back his post '04 column to Cubs fans). The line / bar situation was a bit fubar, but once things got rolling, he got through 20 people every 9-10 minutes."

11:42 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder" (again):

"After a three hour wait, a bouncer that looked a lot like ving rhames, several smoke breaks and chickening out on having simmons inscribe "avoid the clap" I finally got Jacko to sign a copy of a book right before the Phils broke things open in the 8th. What a magical night."

Fin.

Here it is, in full:

A Message from George Bodenheimer

Top Story 10/23/09 @ 4:19 PM

ESPN is clearly one of the most dynamic companies in the world and we take great pride in our work. Our success often leads to media stories about our business and people. Those stories are often very positive, but not always.

During the last few days, we have received a fair amount of unwanted media coverage, including a series of Internet posts where the editor expressly stated that many of these items were based on rumor and that they had not attempted to verify their accuracy. Compounding this issue is my disgust that some of our own unidentified employees are leaking materials to the media thereby contributing in a significant way to these destructive efforts. As you know, we have policies that govern how and who should be in contact with the media regarding the company. I feel it is very important to make clear to all employees that violating these policies is a serious offense which can, and very likely will, result in the immediate termination of employment of the offending employee.

ESPN has a hard working, creative culture that produces outstanding content every day. Our culture and our people are the keys to our continuing success. I also want to reaffirm our commitment to maintaining a workplace where all employees have the opportunity to grow, are free from harassment of any kind and are respectful and positive toward each other.

If anyone feels that we are not living up to our commitment or that your work environment, either in our offices or at any remote location, is of concern, you can and should bring that to the attention of your supervisor, your HR business partner, our HR Leader Paul Richardson, Ed Durso or to me personally.

Our mission is to serve sports fans. Our values call for us to show care and respect for all employees. I want to assure you the leadership of ESPN is committed to achieving both.

EARLIER: George Bodenheimer Requests That ESPN Employees Stop Telling The Media Who's Boinking Whom

Of course, the announcement came late on Sunday night because they thought we wouldn't be paying attention. (They were correct!) It's not clear what happened between Wednesday when Phillips was "granted" a leave of absence and today when the network decided he had to be canned. But even the front page of ESPN.com announced the dismissal in very understated tones.

"Steve Phillips is no longer working for ESPN," network spokesman Josh Krulewitz said in a statement. "His ability to be an effective representative for ESPN has been significantly and irreparably damaged, and it became evident it was time to part ways."

I'll say. Just in case you have trouble parsing that statement, it seems he was fired not for having sex with a subordinate or sexual harassment or creating an unsafe work environment or even for cheating on his wife. He was fired for being an embarrassment to the company. That's where the line is, in case you were wondering. Krulewitz would not comment when asked about the employment status of Brooke Hundley, the 22-year-old production assistant who slept with Phillips and then began a steady campaign of harassment toward his family. For all we know she might still be working there, but probably won't be getting promoted anytime soon.

More tomorrow, of course....

Baseball analyst, former Mets GM Phillips fired by ESPN [ESPN]
ESPN fires Phillips after sex scandal [NY Post]
ESPN fires Steve Phillips after ex-Mets GM admits affair with production assistant Brooke Hundley [New York Daily News]

UPDATE: ESPN now says Hundley no longer works there, but did not say whether she was fired or quit. Also, Phllips has entered a "treatment facility," although I can't imagine what for. [Yahoo]

One former ESPN employee, joyful at the great cleansing that is taking place today, said that many of the staff — from talent, to programming directors, to producers — live life on the road similar to that of the professional athletes they cover. In fact, there's a road code that many a Bristol swordsman abides by when gallivanting across the country. This individual, who started off giving us the definition of "road beef," (thanks for that!) went on to introduce to a couple more words familiar with many a Worldwide-leading employee:

Importing: "This is when you have a girl on the road but then fly her in to another destination. Women of this caliber may or may not be let out of hotel, either for fear of being outed or because they are not that attractive."

Covering Your Bases: "Many of the guys on the road would often import one girl, but then go out at night without her for the chance of an upgrade."

Fantastic.

Now, obviously today has caused a "major panic" over at Bristol headquarters according to those who work there or who know people who work there — especially with the many married male employees. Here's a typical email:

I've never had sex w/ anyone at ESPN....

But, uh, I just got to Bristol and between me and you, you've to got a lot of people sleeping with a rosary tonight.

But look at the upside:

And then there's this email, which is a little more typical(UPDATE):

I worked there for 11.5 years from 1985 to 1997...

That Lacey story seems pretty damn tame

Back when the company was much smaller there were regular parties that a lot of the company attended - needless to say there was a lot of fucking going on afterwards.

A lot of that culture remained moreso with the older employees that became executives...they were a scummy lot. smart, sure...talented, definitely....sleazy middle aged guys that felt they could proposition younger female employees with regularity - you bet.

yes, I still have friends there. the guys are by large all "locker room" humor guys, whether in bristol or on the road. I don't view inter-office relationships between people who don't fall under one another's command as a big deal and I don't think anyone else does either. we lived in the middle of connecticut for christ's sake, and trust me when I tell you, when we went out at night to bars in hartford it was slim pickings - the best options were always fellow espners.

What was disgusting were the executives though, even the ones I like and admire professionally. Hey, if a girl wants to fuck her boss, I'm not going to stop her. but when she is viewed in a seemingly preferential manner, then you start to get irritated. the sad part, even with the anonymity of the internet is that you'll never hear 1/10th of the stories. Especially with the fucking that occurs on the road with runners, stage managers, etc - the girls that aren't staff employees in any sense and are making shit money. the majority of the people that stay there more than 2 or 3 years stay there forever - they are the types that max contribute to their 401K, feel that working at ESPN is the coolest place in the world even after making shit money for a few years and working long hours doing work that a "nutless monkey could do".

Along with hiring lots of smart, dynamic personalities, and always a ton of cute girls in the last 10-15 years, they also hire straight up sports nerds who think nothing of working terrible hours and having no life. they can not get promoted for 7 or 8 years and are still happy being grunts.

fact is, working at espn is their life. they are away from family and friends constantly, they start their in their 20s and wake up at 30 realizing they gave the best years of their life to central connecticut. they have no girlfriend, travel all the time on weekends, and end up marrying a production assistant.

there are good, wholesome execs at espn that are surely embarrassed by this and would relish the opportunity to clean up the place. I worked in sportcenter, programming and remote production, a rarity. one area you need to dig into is remote production. you guys always focus on the studio side like it is the only element of production at espn (JED DRAKE). remote has always been responsible to as much and in the past, much more. before eoe, films, game shows, a crazy amount of studio shows, remote was responsible for everything on espn and espn2 but sportscenter.

the (JED DRAKE) guy that runs that dept is world class scumbag - fucking his secretary, production assistants, trying to fuck interns and having to fly across the atlantic to apologize to her parents after an incident
at the wimbledon...

other manager there are equally as bad - one had a fetish for blondes, another certain big time football producer openly hit on girls, another producer propositioned another producers wife and was threatened with a beating...it goes on and on and on... again, production assistants fucking other PAs, APs fucking PAs, producers fucking PAs that don't work under them - I have no problem with any of this, even if they happen to be cheating...

its the sexual harrassment that kills me...and not in a sense that the women are being mistreated because I think in almost every case, these girls are fucking the talent and fucking their bosses for the same reasons any other girl does at a company - she wants to, even if it has no bearing on her role at the company.

what is brutal are these execs that want to fuck anything that moves, then try to remain a respected authority figure and tell their staffs right from wrong, and make their employees feel like they might be getting the shaft for the fat pig that fucked the boss after the latest going away party

it is a weird, and in a cultural sense, very incestuous place! many have always maintained that if not in manhattan, if the place was at least in stamford it would be a lot more culturally normal

PS - I changed some dates, name, departments to protect myself

See? It's the location.

There seems to be no consistency to how the employee code of conduct is enforced over at ESPN. Can you bang an intern? Are you subject to harsher penalties if you're married? It's so murky.

Still awaiting comment on ESPN for that policy...

But, for now, ESPN, go in peace. I hope that 6 p.m. meeting went well. I think the one person who probably enjoyed this the most today (besides Nick Denton) is Sean Salisbury. He's somewhat vindicated.

****

Consider this your DUAN!

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry will be here in a bit. Go Phillies.

Sleep tight, Bristol...