So … the first time Spain played Russia at Euro 2008, I used a line from “My Fair Lady” — a movie I’ve never seen, mind you — to emphasize the rain at the game falling gently on the plain. Looking back, it wasn’t the wisest choice considering the mindset of the Deadspin commenting community. Raw steak filets have fared better against zoo carnivores.

Lo and behold, it’s two weeks later, and again Spain laid the smackdown against the Ruskies, winning again by three goals, this time in a thorough, soup-to-nuts 3-0 victory in Vienna. Hopefully citing a bulletproof band like The Clash gains me a little redemption, even if the song brings back memories of the bloody Spanish Civil War.

Hey, if you don’t like the Clash, would “Mean Mr. Mustard” have been more your speed? Safe to guess that Spain coach Luis Aragones, who hates yellow, is a bit of a “dirty old man.” Until Sunday, though, it doesn’t much matter much as it’s time to hail mighty (and muy macho) Espãna.

At least Aragones, who once again defied common sense and subbed off Fernando Torres for the immortal Dani ‘The Umlaut’ Güiza in the second half, gained his redemption. This time around Güiza didn’t attempt to catch balls with his hands, or miss a penalty kick, instead he netted a class goal to put Spain up 2-0 and all but end the life of the Russians. You know it’s not going to be Russia’s day when Güiza nets a classy chip over Igor Akinfeev. That’s assuming the Russians had any life in their thoroughly un-Soviet performance.

Thursday the Russians — especially the world’s next big thing Andrei Arshavin — played with about as much vigor as 11 guys returning from one of Josef Stalin’s old Siberian re-education camps. For all the pregame talk that Russia was about to ascend to the top of the world football ladder, it’s hard to think of a more listless, non-descript showing that what the Russians put forth. Another analogy, perhaps the Russian bears were a little groggy and over-engorged on Dutch oranges and ready for an early hibernation.

Either way it didn’t much matter; Spain strung together its most dominating performance since the days of Phillip II in the 16th century. Stats don’t usually tell the story in soccer, Thursday they did. Spain out fired Russia with shots on goal 11-1. One match report (not official) had the Spanish with a 65-35 advantage in possession. As is the usual refrain, about all Russia did correctly Thursday was show up and put on the uniforms.

Spain didn’t do much differently than their previous four games. It was methodical in passing and held the ball until it could that final pass into the area for a shot. Pretty basic, the Spanish could have played with bellies full of tapas. You could quibble that Andres Iniesta’s service to Xavi was a shot, didn’t much matter as the Barcelona teammates hooked up for the first goal.

There’s really not a whole lot to say about this match. Of the 30 matches played, it’s difficult to think of one where one team simply strolled to a victory, and for it to finally play out in a semifinal is remarkable.

Thursday’s heroes: Fabregas. Like Alec Guinness, genuine class Thursday.

Sergio Ramos. The right back finally showed up Thursday, completing 75 passes and causing trouble for Russia all night.

On second thought: The Arshavin saga encapsulates one of my major peeves about the European game. In certain situations all it takes is one or two standout performances for a player to ascend to “it” status. After his blinding showings vs. Sweden and the Netherlands, Arshavin certainly earned his praise. Still, some of the reports labeled him the next big player, and that’s a little crazy. After getting man-marked out of the game by Marcos Senna Thursday, the 27-year-old’s price tag went down a few Euros. He’ll probably still end up at Barcelona, which is a perfect place for a guy who took some advanced sewing classes (no joke) growing up in St. Petersburg.

Pun-ier Friday morning headline: “Joy of Cesc” or “Russia’s Guus is cooked”?

Tell me once again, who’s fat?: Mentioned a few times during the Euro tournament was that Russia striker Roman Pavlyuchenko was deemed too fat to play. The Spartak Moscow lists his at 84 kilograms, which is roughly 180 pounds or, if you prefer, 13 stone. He stands 6-foot-2. Only in the world of soccer is a player killed for being overweight at that kind of weight. Frank Lampard, Ronaldinho, etc. it reeks of petty jealous and tabloid journalism at its worst. If Pavlyuchenko had a little more accuracy, maybe Thursday’s result changes.

Still special in my book: Held out this long, but boy, how I’ve missed Jose Mourinho. Although you said you were no longer special at your Inter Milan introduction, you’re Adidas ‘Dream Big’ spots beg to differ. “It is … better to be a top man.” That line gets me every time. I’d pay good money for Mourinho to read me the phonebook.

No one else was available?: Guess it beats scoping out Barry Bonds’ groin, but could ESPN have found someone other than Pedro Gomez to send over to Switzerland/Austria? Gomez is a baseball guy first and foremost, and his reports have had about as much bite as a glass of lactose-free skim milk. Overall ESPN’s done a commendable job, but its lack of a serious soccer-head on the ground takes it down a notch. Hell, the ‘Worldwide’ could have shipped over Kenny Mayne (forgive me for typing this) and set him lose in the fan zones. At least those reports would have been entertaining.

Andy Gray line of the day: To Belgium ref Frank de Bleeckere, “If that’s an elbow he wants (sic) to go out on a Saturday night in Glasgow.” (Please ESPN, we need Gray working the final Sunday.)

You still gotta love those wacky Dutch: Various reports from Swiss brewers say that Dutch fans consumed close to 1.3 million gallons of beer during the Euro. The Dutch, kings among men.

Sunday’s match – das Euro 2008 Final:

Germany v. Spain, Erst Happel Stadion, Vienna, Austria (2:30, ABC): Hard to argue with this final. Two world superpowers stocked with household names (well, in Europe at least). The bigger picture is the final pits the classic European achiever (Germany) against the classic underachiever (Spain), which has won 21 straight.

Finals history: Germany, winners: 1972, 1980, 1996; runners up: 1976. Spain, winners 1964; runners up: 1984.

Series: Germany leads 8-5-6, last meeting was in December 2003 where Spain won 3-1 in Mallorca. The nations last met at the Euro in the 1988 Group Stages, with Germany winning.

Coaches: Only a scant 31-years separate Germany’s Jogi Löw and Spain’s Luis Aragones. The gulf in their performances at the Euro isn’t nearly that large, as both have been solid tactically. The only blemish was Löw’s ban for ‘incessant bickering’ during the Austria match. The biggest difference in the coaches is Aragones has stuck with a standard 4-4-2 formation, but will likely need to revert to a 4-5-1 if David Villa is out for Sunday. Löw changed things up from a 4-4-2 to a 4-2-3-1 and found success. In short, in a game with such class on the field the coaches shouldn’t have too huge an influence unless Aragones old age senility rears is ugly head in his last match as Spain coach.

Questions: Can Spain, a traditionally emotionally fragile team, overcome the ruthlessly efficient Germans? … Should past history even matter? … Can Fernando Torres work effectively as a lone striker? … Will Aragones finally give Cesc the start? … Will Spain be able to work its one-touch passing game against the stronger, taller Germans? Can Spain cope for a full 90 without Villa? … Will perceived the slow feet of Per Mertesacker finally catch up with Germany? … Will the Jens Lehmann’s horror-show continue? … Does Spain have the resolve to stay in the match if they fall behind? … Can Bifi Schweinsteiger keep it up? … Can Lukas Poldolski catch or surpass the injured Villa for the Golden Boot? … Will Löw play with two strikers, or try to match up with Spain with five midfielders? … Will the tall, stout German defense frustrate Spain like Sweden did? … Can Spain expose Philipp Lahm did Croatia and Turkey did? … Who’s the bigger babe in the VIP box, Spain’s Princess Letizia or German Chancellor Angela Merkel? (Those power suits get me every time.)

Key matchups: Torsten Frings/Michael Ballack vs. Marcos Senna/Xavi. Whichever of these defense-offense midfield tandems asserts themselves ought to determine the flow of the game, though we know Germany doesn’t need flow to score.

Lukas Podolski vs. Sergio Ramos. As noted above, Ramos was wonderful getting forward against Russia. The speed of Podolski on the break might make the long-haired Real Madrid defender from coming forward. (Either way both guys make the ladies swoon.) Overall, both teams will likely try to pick their spots when the opposing defenders get caught up the field, because Main Street will be clogged.

Player to watch, Germany: Herr Ballack. Der captain probably needs a win in this game more than anyone. Though he’s found moderate success at the club level, winning the Bundesliga four times, he’s had trouble in the big games. He lost in the 2002 Champions League final with Bayer Leverkausen on Zidiane Zidane’s unreal left-foot volley for Real Madrid. He lost the 2008 Champions League final to Manchester United on kicks last month. Oh right, Ballack was part of the German team that lost to Ronaldo and Brasil at the 2002 World Cup and then placed third in 2006. Ballack was invisible vs. Turkey in the semifinals. In my book he’s better than a 50/50 proposition to find the net, either on a freekick or a header.

Player to watch, Spain: Andres Iniesta. He’s a pesky little player that might cause the bigger German defenders to lose their balance. He’ll have to fill the void for Villa, who would have been a weapon in this game. Maybe Iniesta gets lost in the shuffle of marking Torres, Xavi, et al. and rises to the occasion like the 2006 Champions League final.

For the American neutrals: Guess it’s not easy to make a compelling argument to support Germany. Six years ago when the U.S. played Germany in the World Cup quarterfinals in Korea, it appeared we leveled the match when Torsten Frings blocked a ball on the goal line with his hand. Bastards. The disdain for Germany was lessened a tad when I first witnessed Ollie Pocher’s lighthearted sing along “Schwarz und Weiss” two years ago. Pocher’s new Euro 2008 video, not so much. As for Spain? Meh. Barcelona is trendy and Penelop Cruz is saucy. Does that do anything for ya?

Outlook: Pressure is a weird thing in soccer. As we’ve seen time and time again at this tournament, the team with expectations struggles. Wearing the favorite crown is a tough deal, since you’re expected to make something happen, while the opponents have nothing to lose. Sunday, there isn’t really a true favorite. It’s splitting hairs. Odds makers have Germany as slight favorites, around 6-to-5, while Spain is at 11-to-5. The fear, from a neutral standpoint, is for about 60 minutes both sides are too afraid to try anything and the game grinds to a standstill. Though that could happen, it doesn’t seem to be in either team’s M.O. Instead this game is more likely to be back-and-forth game of swings and momentum. If Torres was in a little better form, it’d be a lot easier to like Spain’s chances. Germany, by hook or by crook, will find a way to find at least one goal, likely using its size on a set play. The biggest difference here is that Spain is probably happy just to be playing in the final, whereas Germany’s been waiting for this chance since it lost to Italy in the 2006 World Cup semifinals in Dortmund. It’s a coin flip, but the Germans, who don’t sweat pressure, were my pre-tournament pick so I’ll stick with Die Manschafft. … Germany 2, Spain 1

Would it be a cop out to skip today’s post due to technical difficulties? Not that it’s ESPN’s fault, per se. The Worldwide Leader, against all odds, has done a commendable job covering Euro 2008 ... and then Wednesday afternoon the lights went out during the second half of a thoroughly engrossing semifinal between Germany and Turkey, which I’ve read the Germans won 3-2.

The only thing that kept me and millions worldwide from staring at their television like Tufnel at Sir Denis Eton-Hogg‘s approved all-black album cover for ‘Smell the Glove’ were some murky shots of the Fan Zone in Basel, Switzerland. Sadly, in the year 2008, we were reduced to guessing when a major sporting event was actually completed by gauging the reaction of people waving black, red and gold flags.

For a change, it paid to be inside the stadium press box, as opposed to a couch in my living room. Due to a thunderstorm in Vienna, the worldwide television feed was knocked out midway through the second half … and then again right before Miroslav Klose scored to put Germany ahead 2-1 … and one more time for a total of three just after Germany had gone ahead for good.

Thankfully, the feed returned in the 86th minute when Semih Şentürk yet again bailed out the Turks. We still had picture when Philipp Lahm (listed at 5-foot-7) rampaged through the Turkish defense and scored on a perfect through ball from Thomas Hitzlsperger in the 90th minute. (Not everyone was in the dark; a Swiss feed remained intact and was seen in Germany. Strangely enough, Al Jazeera’s coverage withstood the blackout, too.)

Since the ‘Heidi Game’ was a good decade before my birth, losing picture — and we couldn’t even get audio descriptions since Andy Gray and Derek Rae were inside the Bristol Broom closet — was a totally unpleasant and unexpected experience, especially when you’re supposed to write some analysis mixed with dick-jokes for the next day.

Imagine if, say, the 2006 Final Four game between George Mason and Florida conked out in the second half? In a lot of ways Turkey had a little of that George Mason magic with it, though the Patriots didn’t nearly have the last-second heroics like the Turks. Time will tell if the soccer community recalls Turkey’s run at the Euro the way CBS will likely remind us about the George Masons of the world every March.

Though the technical department in Vienna screwed the pooch Wednesday, ESPN picked the right tournament to starting airing the Euro free of charge to most of America. Mordecai ‘Three Finger’ Brown could count the boring/poor/listless games — Switzerland/Czech; France/Romania and Spain/Italy. That’s not a bad percentage out of 29 games played as of this morning.

It’s a shame in a tournament of ‘can you top this?’ that the best match to date left Americans watching Germans standing alongside the banks of the Rhine celebrating a narrow victory.

Wednesday’s heroes: Lahm, Germany. Ok, he did get taken apart by Sabri Sarıoğlu to allow Turkey to level it at 2-2, but the wee/tiny/pintsized/diminutive/Smurf-like outside back’s cross did set up Klose’s headed goal. On top of that, his run from nowhere faked Kazim Kazim out of his jock and let him sneak into the box unmarked in the 90th minute and rip a blinder into the top net past Rüştü Reçber. The most impressive part of the movement was the finish; how many top line strikers sky that attempt into the 24th row or shank it wide? All that was missing was Gray telling Lahm to take a bow. That could be cancelled out by all the scantily clad Fräuleins throwing themselves at his teeny feet.

Turkey’s entire team. Maybe the Turks ran out of gas. More impressive than coming back from 2-1 down with four minutes left, was how they came out attacking and had Germany hanging on by its fingernails. Shorthanded, Fatih Terim’s men threw caution into the wind from the opening whistle and showed that cynical, anti-soccer isn’t the only way to play. Turkey was unlucky to enter the half at 1-1 and could have easily been up by multiple goals, as Germany looked more confused than Dirk Nowitzki during his rookie season with the Dallas Mavericks.

Turkey, which was mainly an afterthought at the start of this tournament, earned worldwide respect — well, except from the Greeks, Kurds, Greek Cypriots and Armenians (forgetting anyone?). Wonder if Uğur Boral and the rest of his Fenerbache teammates can lead that club to another deep run in the Champions League in a couple months? It would seem far-fetched that Turkey can capture lightning in a bottle again for the 2010 World Cup qualifying campaign, but as long as Terim and his sweat-soaked shirts roam the touchline, the Turks can’t be counted out. (The strongman says he’s stepping down. Maybe the U.S. can hire him?)

Maybe it’s a good thing the telecast feed was spotty. The lasting image of the Turks shouldn’t be of them dejected and face down in the muck.

Who’s more rugged?: A seemingly standard mid-air collision between Simon Rolfes and Ayhan Akman in the first half triggered the tournament’s burliest moment. Rolfes was gushing blood from a gash above this left eyebrow, staining his jersey crimson in the process. Akman seemed okay, until the Turkish medal staff used what looked like a hole puncher to staple a head wound together. Rolfes stayed out for a while as he was stitched up on the sidelines. Consider these two the anti-Cristiano Ronaldos.

Were the hair curlers a little tight last night?: German keeper Jens Lehmann ought to consider purchasing Lahm some fine chocolates or the complete life works of David Hasselhoff, because the former Arsenal No. 1 was beyond abysmal Wednesday. On the first Turkey goal, slapped in by Boral, Lehmann looked more confused than “lionhearted” John Terry when he finished up a game for Chelsea in goal in the game Petr Cech fractured his skull. Already beaten, Lehmann had the gall to yell at his defense, though Arne Friedrich was just standing there watching Boral clean up the scramble in front of the net.

The second goal was tougher, and maybe Lehmann makes a save. Yet the guy bitches like a whiny little girl with a skinned knee, so he deserves the criticism. His howling performance outshined Michael Ballack’s no-show, as Herr Ballack allowed Mehmet Aurelio to completely mark him out of the match.

Andy Gray line of the day: “This tournament should come with a health warning for fans.”

Today’s game: Euro 2008 semifinal No. 2, Russia v. Spain, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna, Austria (2:30, ESPN2, the always thrilling LPGA Tour gets ESPN original today): Only 16 games ago these teams played in the Group D opener. A show of hands for those who thought Russia would still be around instead of say, the Netherlands, Italy or France after Spain’s 4-1 trouncing on June 10? Oh you in the back? You’re the one?

Head-to-head: Spain leads all time series vs. Russia 3-1-0 and 2-1-1 vs. the USSR.

Coaches: Guus Hiddink, master coach, master South Korean pizza endorser. Almost all the credit for Russia’s run to the semifinals is deservedly leveled at the 61-year-old Dutchman. On top of injecting the young Russian team with an attacking verve, he’s awoken a sleeping bear by getting the players to believe they can win it. If Hiddink navigates Russia into the final, his place in the pantheon of recent coaches is complete. (Now only if American fans can get prominent U.S. National Team fans Drew Carey and Rivers Cuomo to plunk down the money to meet Guus’ terms.)

Crotchety Luis Aragonés has Spain on the doorstep, now he better not louse it up before heading over to Fenebache after the tournament. Aragonés has stuck with a 4-4-2 formation, even if it means leaving a player like Cesc Fabregas on the bench to start games. Within the system, Aragonés hasn’t been sky with his substitutions, taking Xavi and Iniesta off a the same time against both Sweden and Italy. Now, replacing Fernando Torres with Dani Guiza? Let’s chalk that up to a senior moment. Far be it from me to question Aragonés legacy for Spanish football, but he’s been a manager since 1974 and the only trophies to his name of note is one La Liga title and four triumphs in the Copa Del Ray – the last in 1992.

Questions: How much of an impact will Andrei Arshavin make? … Did Russia peak vs. the Netherlands, or was it the start of something special? … Will Russia’s defense be able to make adjustments from the first match? … Can Spain possibly hit as many through passes as it did against Russia two weeks ago? … Can the Spanish midfield play a complete 90+ minutes? … Will Spain be able to cope with Russia taking the play to them? … Does Spain revert to it’s history and choke again? … Which teams adjustments pay dividends?

Key matchup: Arshavin vs. Sergio Ramos. Arshavin was a terror on the left against the Dutch. Ramos is billed as one of the world’s best at his right back position, but has thus far played a tournament to forget. Ramos, who loves to get forward, can’t get caught out and allow Arshavin to beat him or provide service for the rangy Roman Pavlyuchenko, who leads the tournament with 24 shots on goal.

Player to watch Russia: Sergei Semak. The Russian captain is the only player in the squad over the age of 30. His task today is to break up the inter-linking of the Spanish midfield to the Spanish forwards. Sounds pretty easy, right?

Player to watch Spain: Fernando Torres. Okay, he only has one goal to his name at the Euro and yes, David Villa tallied a hat trick vs. the Russians two weeks ago. Still, it’s Torres who has the match-winner in his boots today and the package of size and speed that will trouble the Russian back line.

Outlook: The major international soccer press never ceases to amaze me. More than any sport, one good or bad performance makes a team or player the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. (Yeah, I’m guilty too.)

Take Hiddink’s Russia. Two weeks ago when they were destructed 4-1 by Spain it was an afterthought to the tournament, while Spain vaulted to the favorites list. Fast forward to a captivating win over the Netherlands Saturday and Russia and Arshavin are the greatest thing since Metallica and Guns ‘N Roses played Moscow 20 years ago. There’s no doubt that Russia is quality, but all of a sudden they’re the best team in the tournament? That doesn’t seem right. Discount the group stage victory all you like, but Spain’s players are still better than the Russians. If the Russians come out and play an open game, it should allow plenty of room and lanes for the Spanish attackers to operate. Spain can taste glory for the first time since 1964 and should be in good shape as long as it doesn’t sleepwalk through this match like the Netherlands did on Saturday. This has the makings of a 100-mph thriller. Pray there aren’t any passing storms in Vienna. … Russia 1, Spain 2

From recesses of that cidery-sweet buzz, one other memory drifts back from that evening at the Frankfurt Fan Fest, a couple teenagers with mohawks wearing sleeveless “New Türkiye” shirts, with the Turkish flag superimposed over Germany.

The reason this bears any significance whatsoever is today Germany and Turkey play in the Euro 2008 semifinals. Like most Americans, you might not know roughly 2.7 million people of Turkish descent reside in Deutschland. Most entered Germany as ‘guest workers’ in the 1950s, as the nation dug out from World War II.

Moreover, two players in the Turkish team — Hakan Balta and Hamit Altıntop — were both born in Germany. On top of that, a lot of the members of the German U-23 and U-21 teams are of Turkish descent.

Now I’m not a sociologist, and my grasp of the German language is limited to a few key phrases such as, “Damit können Sei bei mir nicht landen.” (That cuts no ice with me). And “Ich möchte keine Bluttransfusion” (I don’t want a blood transfusion). That makes it hard to make any concrete statements about what this match means to the overall German population.

I’d guess that like the majority of Mexican-Americans who root for Mexico rather than the U.S. national team, the ethnic Turks in Germany will likely support the guys in red. (Yes, comparing the German national team to the U.S. national team is like comparing ‘Caddyshack’ to ‘The Love Guru.’) Not sure what this all means to us in the States, but it does add a little extra intrigue.

Suffice to say, all the nation-wide viewings and Fan Zones could be a little tenser than usual, that is, unless the Apfelwein is flowing.

Today’s game: Euro 2008 semifinal No. 1, Germany v. Turkey, St. Jakob Park, Basel, Switzerland (2:30, ESPN): As you’ve probably read over the last couple days, Turkey is extremely neutered due to suspensions (Volkan Demirel, Tuncay Sanli, Arda Turan, Emre Asik) and injuries (Servet Çetin, Nihat, Emre Belozoglu). That leaves a matchup on paper that favors Germany in every single possible category, well, except for karma department and maybe chest hair.

Head-to-head: Germany leads the all-time series 11-3-3, outscoring the Turks 40 to 10. Turkey won the last encounter in an October 2005 friendly 2-1 via the DFB website.

Coaches: Here might be the Turks’ other advantage, in Fatih Terim Turkey have a classic ‘strongman’ who’s fierce eyebrows are enough to inspire a team to victory, and more than make up for the lack of a ‘buffo’ style mustache. Terim’s best moments at the Euro have come throwing caution into the wind and attacking at all costs. With most of his attacks missing, with Terim break the mold and go all defense? He did spend a little time coaching in Italy around the turn of the century. The Turks aren’t going to give up, as long as ‘The Emperor’ roams the touchline.

Meanwhile, Germany’s Joachim Löw looks more like a guy you can bum a cig off outside a rock club on Hamburg’s Reeperbahn. Kidding aside, Löw’s been very tactically astute, changing things up for the quarterfinal win over Portugal. Maybe Löw’s only instructions vs. Turkey are to keep playing for 90 minutes and not to get caught on a counterattack.

Questions: Will Turkey’s magic continue? … Will Turkey have enough healthy players to keep it competitive? And do those healthy players have any juice left after two consecutive epic matches? Can Rüştü Reçber survive a constant German onslaught? … Can Herr Ballack spur his team to victory, again? … Will Turkey be able to keep Germany off the scoresheet? … Will Bifi Schweinsteiger get a pregame pep talk from German Chancellor Angela Merkel? … Will Germany (2-to-5 favorites) enter the game overconfident and get frustrated if they don’t score within the first 15 minutes? … Honestly, is there any way Turkey can spring the upset barring the destiny cliché? … Is any pundit tipping Turkey for the final? … Is thinking Germany will stroll through this game, so obvious that it’s not going to go to script?

Key matchup: Philipp Lahm/Lukas Podolski vs. Hamit Altintop. The three are, for the time being, club teammates at Bayern Munich. As seen against Portugal, Germany started most of their attacks on the left side. Altintop has played right back, but could be anywhere on the right considering Turkey’s desperate situation. Altintop has played well going forward and has a booming shot, but against the quickness of the Germans his defensive shortcoming could be exposed.

Player to watch Germany: Miroslav Klose. The Bayern striker only has one goal to his name at the Euro. Against a relatively inexperienced Turkish defense the 2005 World Cup Golden Boot winner should be able to poach at least one tally. According to one betting site, both Klose and Poldoski are 6-to-5 to score in this match. Ballack is at 13-to-8. By contrast, the best odds for a Turk is Şentürk at 3-to-1. Germany’s 35-year-old reserve forward Oliver Neuville rates at 5-to-2. Suffice to say, the deck is stacked against the Turks.

Player to watch Turkey: Semih Şentürk. The Turkish league’s leading scorer scored what will likely be remembered as the biggest goal in the history of the country in the 122nd minute vs. Croatia on Friday. The Fenerbahçe hitman has already bagged a pair of goals in the tournament, but the other two Turkey goalscorers – Nihat and Arda – will not play. Barring an unlikely 0-0 win through penalties, Şentürk has to find the net today.

Outlook: For what it’s worth, Germany is 4-1 in European Championship semifinal matches. The Germans are used to playing the favorite and should simply pound away at the makeshift Turkish lineup until breaking through. Germany, like everyone, has seen the Turkish resolve and ability to comeback and it could be said that the Germans had to hang on for dear life against Portugal. Still, Germany won’t be comfortable up 2-0 or even 3-0 and this game has the potential to get pretty lopsided. Even if they lose Wednesday, the Turkish run in this tournament could possibly outshine the eventual champions. As we all know, Germany, like Cheese Wagstaff, doesn’t care for sentiment and nostalgia. The Turks fall on their swords once and for all. … Germany 4, Turkey 1

As I write this, it’s approximately 48 hours since Turkey pulled off perhaps the most stunning finish in the history of international soccer with it’ win in penalty kicks in the Euro 2008 quarterfinal against Croatia. Nearly two days have transpired, and I still don’t know what to make of it. All I can say for certain is that the economy of Croatia took a massive hit. How on earth will the people of Croatia get through the coming months?

It’s impossible to even rate this victory in the context of all other sports. Making it all the more amazing is the Turks pulled off an equally epic comeback just to get to the game four days earlier against the Czech Republic. Never say never, but Friday’s win by Fatih Terim’s Turkish side isn’t getting repeated any time soon.

Croatia was in the clear, scoring in the 119th and waiting for the official to blow his whistle. Yet the Fiery (Madness) were undone in stoppage time by a super-long freekick that got between Vedran Corluka and Robert Kovac, dropping serendipitously for Semih Şentürk, who hit it absolutely perfect with his left foot into the top corner, leveling the game. Think how many times guys have missed simple sitters in front of the goal. We could replay the situation a thousand, a million, a billion times, and that scenario isn’t playing out again. Maybe not even in a video game.

There must be Turkish media reports labeling it something akin to a ‘divine strike.’ Who am I to argue? Either way it prompted Turks to dance the Soulja Boy in the streets of the London according to my friend working over there.

And it’s hard not to pity Croatia, which went from a dogpile celebration led by coach Slaven Bilic to catatonic within the span of 15 minutes. You wait four long years and seem on the brink of playing for a birth in the final … and then get knocked out like this? If there is a worse way to lose, please let me know.

What is forgotten now: For 118 minutes this game was crap and instantly forgettable. Surprisingly for two teams that showed so much initiative in the group stages, both Croatia and Turkey played the game not to lose. I was watching this at my friend’s house and we all were nearly asleep, with my buddy Doyle more interested in tracking down a mid-90s Newcastle United jersey than the game itself.

Also lost in the shuffle was that Croatia’s goal by Ivan Klasnic was more the result of Turkey keeper Rüştü Reçber’s gaffe chasing a ball off his line than a moment of brilliance. In essence each team caught a lucky break; only Turkey’s stunned Croatia to the point it never had a chance in ensuing the shootout. The Croatian players would have been hard-pressed to tie their shoes, let alone take penalties.

Now, on the other hand, the weekend’s other match that ended in penalties was instantly forgettable, unless you’re a Spaniard. Spain’s win in penalty kicks over Italy after 120 minutes of play produced a 0-0 score line typified every stereotype to why Americans hate soccer.

1. No goals and few clear chances.
2. Excessive flopping by perceived European Miss Nancies.
3. Suspect officiating.
4. An end of penalty kicks.

Bleech, the only thing missing were the French.

That’s knockout soccer though, and it was Italy’s prerogative to play tactical, anti-soccer against the powerful Spanish attack – just don’t moan when you lose in kicks. If watching seven guys in white shirts swarm around one guy in red, this was your match. For the other six billion people on planet Earth, it tested every impulse of your body to change the channel. Italy is notorious for its ‘catenaccio’ style, where defense rules at all costs. Fittingly, the World Cup holders were bounced in a stadium named after one of the godfathers that that technique, Ernst Happel.

But Saturday’s rousing game between Russia and the Netherlands was Exhibit A why soccer can be such a thrilling sport to follow. Russia’s 3-1 win in extra time is a match you savor, a match that gives you a jump in your step the rest of the day. A match you remember in spite of all the 0-0 slogs.

The credit goes to Russia and coach Guus Hiddink. Matched up against the oddsmakers’ new favorite to win the tournament and a Dutch team that won three group games ( scoring nine goals in the process), Hiddink could have pulled back the oars and played a cagey, tactical match. That’s the conservative, standard approach. Yet since the Russians were so young, Hiddink threw caution into the wind and attacked, attacked and attacked from the opening whistle – leaving the Dutch on their back heels, not the other way around.

Even when Ruud van Nistelrooy scored with five minutes left in regulation, Russia didn’t shell up and get scared. The Russians kept pressing in extra time and broke through twice, mainly thanks to the world’s newest star man Andrei Arshavin.

It’s why you wish more teams would gamble if only a little bit. Say Edwin van der Saar saves those Russian goals in extra time, or the shots go wide and the Dutch eventually win in penalties. At least in that scenario, unlike Italy, the losing team made a valiant effort to actually win the game, instead of playing not to lose.

And in closing, that’s one thing I try to tell people that are leery of soccer. If all you watch is the World Cup every four years or something like the Euro, you’re going to see the game for all its warts because with so much riding on the line. Too often coaches are more afraid to try to win than they are to go to penalty kicks. It’s infuriating because when a team loses in penalties, the coach can shrug at the Russian Roulette aspect of kicks and deflect a lot of the blame. The players and fans? Another story.

It still pisses me off that soccer is basically the only sport where you can advance in a tournament without really trying to win. It might be a strategy, but it goes against most sporting principles in my book.

Weekend heroes: Arshavin, Russia. Chaaaaaaaaaaaaching. It’s not that his club (Zenit St. Petersburg) needs the money, but after his blistering show vs. the Netherlands of Saturday Arshavin is probably the top transfer target of almost all big European clubs and he’ll be able to pick where he washes ashore. (If Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger doesn’t put in a bid he’ll come to regret it.) It’s hard to imagine an attacking player putting forth a better 120 minutes than the pint-sized Russian dynamo did Saturday. Dutch defender Andre Oojer will have nightmares of the Euro punk-pop frontman lookalike for months. Arshavin is the revelation of the tournament to this point. The Spain defense, which didn’t see Arshavin in the group stage, better be ready for some high-speed chases all evening.

Iker Casillas, Spain. Guess they don’t call him Saint Iker for nothing. The two penalty saves were good enough, but he made the save of the tournament denying Mauro Camoranesi by instinctively kicking out his left leg to turn away Italy’s best chance in the 61st minute.

Traitor?: Question: did Hiddink enjoy the Russian victory Saturday, as it put his home nation the Netherlands out? Sure, Roman Abramovich is paying lots of money to coach the Russians, but Hiddink doesn’t bleed green, does he? Then again, he doesn’t bleed Oranje either. If guys from Brasil can turn out for Poland, Spain and Portugal, guess we shouldn’t worry too much about national pride. Maybe the better question is if Hiddink can empathize with his despondent countrymen. (It was reported nearly have of the Netherlands 14 million citizens watched the game Saturday.)

Early bird special: Was Spain coach Luis Aragones up past his bedtime? Did someone mess with his oatmeal? How many other people that follow world soccer are going to sub off Torres for Dani Güiza near the end of regular time? Güiza might have led La Liga in goals, but he was out of his element vs. Italy. As soon as he attempted to come down with a cross by cupping it with both hands and later on missed his penalty. Most of Spain will likely light candles and pray Torres plays 90 (or more) against Russia Thursday.

Second guesses: Would Croatia coach Slaven Bilic have been better served to let someone other than Luca Modric take the first penalty vs. Turkey? Yes, Modric scored from the spot vs. Austria, but didn’t he have any older, more experienced heads available? Same thing for Italian coach Roberto Donadoni Sunday. Alessandro Del Piero has to at least get a kick ahead of Antonio Di Natale.

Wash your face: Perhaps inspired by New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi, Italy striker Luca Toni sported some rather unflattering lip fuzz Sunday. The dirt didn’t help him break his scoreless drought and might have even made him play worse. He might have even botched his team’s best chance when he decided to try an over head kick, when Grosso was rushing to the far post unmarked. Toni was Chuck Barkley turrible at the Euro.

Come back to us: Probably inspired by Adrian Healey’s quickfire one-liners with the Netherlands, ESPN lead announcer Derek Rae took his shot and fell completely flat after Russia’s first goal Saturday saying, “Those wearing orange were peeled like oranges.” Ugh.

Also, since the game was on ABC, Rae decided to arbitrarily stress the second syllable of Russia’s Yuri Zhirkov after the bluer version was used in the previous three matches. At least the Scot labeled Hiddink a, “serial achiever.” As we know, Hiddink abides.

Look ma, I’m on TV: Certainly my personal favorite development of the Euro is when the camera catches someone in the stands, only for said person to realize they’re on the jumbro-tron (and worldwide televisions) a second or two too late, or at least not quick enough to put out their cigarette. Oddly enough, the saucy female fans the perv camera operators fixate upon never seem to notice.

Today’s games:

None scheduled for the first time in 16 days. Play resumes Wednesday with Germany and Turkey contesting the first semifinal (an underrated rivalry game). I’m taking a day to collect my thoughts and will be back Wednesday morning with a preview of that match. Try your darnedest to hold out that long.

Fall River, Mass. my heart goes out to you. I know that Portuguese people take the utmost pride in the fortunes of their national team. My consolation does little to dull the pain after Thursday’s 3-2 smackdown by Germany in the 2008 Euro quarterfinals. I know you guys believed with every once of your heart that this was the year for Portugal. This was the year to finally carve the name Portugal on a major international trophy.

This was it.

Blame Ronaldo. Blame Big Phil. Blame Ricardo. Blame the field. Blame the rain. Blame the ref. Blame the newly installed field at St. Jakob Park.

None of it matters. Sorry to say this, but for all the skill and world-class talent you guys have, they got dusted by Germany in stunning fashion. Stunning, in that you looked so unprepared for what Die Manschaff threw at you.

How does Bastian Schweinsteiger carve you up like a strudel only two years after doing the same exact thing during the 2006 World Cup third place game? This is Bastian Schweinsteiger. The guy is on wrappers of the Germany version of Slim Jim — Bifi. He scored one goal — one — for Bayern this season. Thursday he scored one and assisted the two others.

Meanwhile, you guys had the best player in the world. Again, the best player in the world, the other guy wearing No. 7 out there — Cristiano Ronaldo. Point to the first Portugal goal before the end of the first half. He set that up. I’ll give you that. Hell, he almost got you level with a shot from the left side in the 44th minute.

But where was he the rest of the game? When Portugal was down 3-1 and gets it to 3-2, how many times did the Winker touch the ball? Granted, I’m watching on television, but was he man-marked out of the game? How is Ronaldo not demanding the ball, running at defenders and simply dominating?

Everyone is entitled to a bad game, and Ronaldo is still without equal, but in a game like this, how does he finish with one shot on target? To add insult to injury, how does Miroslav Klose to get his head/shoulder completely free for the German’s second goal in less than five minutes with Ronaldo standing perplexed in front of him? Were you woozy from Klose rushing past you? Did Arthur Friedrich’s ankle-stomp really hurt that badly? Was your head caught up halfway between Manchester and Madrid?

Ronaldo did say he’s getting an operation on his foot for a lingering injury. Funny how these things always crop up after stunning losses like this. Ronaldo was wearing the captain’s armband by the end of the game; if you’re hurt, it’s your duty to allow fully healthy player the chance.

It’s amazing. How were Simão, Nani and Helder Postiga at the forefront of the Portugal attempted comeback and not No. 7? Ronaldo goes down easier than (insert punchline), drawing fouls from as little as hard-stares by opponents, yet at 3-2 and German coach Joachim Löw ripping cigarettes in his UEFA-sanctioned penalty sky box, how do you not find a way to get a freekick and make them sweat? I’m not saying it’s the right way to play, but it’s the way you always play Cristiano, right?

This isn’t ripping Ronaldo for being a metrosexual icon. Or for being so over-the-top at times it comes off like a cheap Mike Myers villain. If you can’t respect Ronaldo, despite his antics, you don’t like sports.

This isn’t resentment that he’s the best player in the world, either. When the Player of the Year awards come, he’s still the man. The thing is, with the passions of millions of Portuguese across the globe pining for something that’s eluded them for their entire lives and needing a miracle, instead of immortalizing himself in history, Ronaldo was nowhere to be found.

Portugal fans, it will be a long four years until Poland/Ukraine 2012. Ronaldo will be around 27 then. Keep your fingers crossed his international career doesn’t finish like Luis Figo 2.0.

Thursday’s hero: Schweinsteiger, and essentially the entire German team sans maybe Per Mertesacker. Where had Bifi been saving this game? Changing boots before the freekick that set up Ballack’s winning goal? Brilliant! What were the pre-game odds he was Man-of-the-Match 50-to-1? More?

Thursday’s zero: Ricardo, Portugal goal keeper. Caught between stations on two goals. He will never live that one down. Hey, England, how does it feel now considering Ricardo’s heroics knocked you out of World Cup 2006 via penalties, and then two years later his gaffes allow arch rival Germany to advance. Really, if you saw the game, what more can I say about Ricardo? Brutal. (Good game-planning by Germany.)

I am the greatest man who ever lived: All hail the mighty Poldi. What exactly is Lucas Podolski doing ahead of these major international tournaments? He simply cannot be contained on the left flank. And goodness gracious, that hit he attempted midway through the second half from a good 35-ish yards? It would have been one of the best goals ever. Ever. It could have halved the goal post. It’s hard to even think of someone playing better than he has in the last week.

An admitted overreaction, but… Enjoy the Big Phil Scolari era, Chelsea fans. It ought to be fun. Hope he can stay awake for those early morning kickoffs at Hull City. He seemed to have trouble keeping his eyes open in the first half Thursday. Then again, with how poor Portugal looked, would you want to watch?

Weekend Preview (Quarterfinals):

Croatia v. Turkey, Today, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna, Austria (2:30 p.m., ESPN): The good thing here is that the winner won’t be a ‘traditional’ power, both scenarios set up nice drama with Germany in the semifinals. Would Croatia be able to beat the Teutons twice in two weeks? All the Turks living in Germany would make that possibility fun for social demographers.

Questions: Turkey had played from behind for two straight games, can it maintain that intensity yet again? … Despite some wonderful teamwork, will Croatia’s lack of a true goal poacher come back to bite them here? … What will Arda Turan’s price tag be after this one? … Will Turkey survive without Mehmet Aurelio in the midfield and, more importantly, first-choice keeper Volkan Demirel? And can graybeard Rüştü Reçber shake off the rust one more time? … What does Croat coach Slaven Bilic have up his sleeve? … Can Turkey disrupt the Croatian passing game? … Will the newest ‘next big thing’ Ivan Rakitić make an account for himself? … Can the Turk defense survive without Servet Çetin?

Player to Watch, Croatia: Niko Kovac. The longtime mainstay is retiring after this match. He might need to channel vintage Roy Keane and protect his less-hard midfielder teammates (Modric, Snra, Kranjcar) as the Turks figure to be chippy. Kovac needs to keep his head and can’t acquire any silly yellow cards.

Player to Watch, Turkey: Nihat. When I wrote my all-group stage team yesterday, Nihat deserved a spot. He was that good in the amazing win over the Czechs. What a season this guy’s put together, spearheading Villareal’s second-place finish in La Liga and now making the Turks dream big. I pray to the soccer gods he can import some of his knowledge on new Yellow Submarine signee Jozy Altidore.

Outlook: Hate to go on the fence, but this truly could go either way. The Croatians are good, technical and hard to find any flaws. Turkey? All guts. Fatih Terim is called ‘the Emperor’ for a reason. He will not allow his team to give up. This is a rash judgment, but right now I’d rather ink Terim to coach my club team that Scolari, but who knows, maybe Terim can only work with Turks? He might be able to motivate his team, but it’ll have its work cut out to keep the ball off the Croatians feet. Turkey will have to excel on the counter, because the Croats will pass, pass and pass again and wait for the opening and we’ve seen the Turk defense can be exposed, especially with Hamit Altintop going forward. The Turks have shown some magic moments with back-to-back late winners. The odds of a third straight? If they do it, I’ll tip my cap toward the Bosporus … Croatia 1, Turkey 0

The Netherlands v. Russia, Saturday, St. Jakob Park, Basel, Switzerland; (2:30 p.m., ABC): The Guus Hiddink bowl. This game is a great case study in how much coaching matters. Hiddink will know the Dutch game inside and out, so it’s up for his counterpart Marco van Basten to outthink him. Hiddink almost doesn’t have to do anything special. The Dutch, or at least the neurotic Oranje fans, will be constantly eyeing the former Netherlands coach. This might allow his players to sneak like Soviet spy planes over the North Pole in the 1950s. … One thing I’ve failed to mention about the Dutch. Did people such as myself dismiss them because in the officially licensed ‘Euro 2008’ game the Dutch don’t have their real names? Instead names like Michael Terwilliger and Hans Balabaster were used. Just a thought.

Questions: Can the Dutch play any better than they did in the group? … If so, can they maintain that level? … Are the young Russians hitting their strides at the right time? … Will Hiddink’s presence truly mean anything? … Will the Dutch defense finally be exposed? … Where will Khalid Boularouz’s head be at, considering his prematurely born daughter just died? … Will any Russian player sink that low to try to goad a red card from the noted ‘hard-man’? … Again, can the Dutch repeat what they’ve done? .. Are we jumping to over-rate the Russians off one game?

Player to Watch, the Netherlands: Ruud van Nistelrooy. The big forward is making up for a lost 06 World Cup with an inspired Euro. The Russians saw David Villa, Fernando Torres and Zlatan Ibrahimovic in their group, but van Nistelrooy brings a different element to the table. Van Nistelrooy has played the ‘center forward’ position like its written in a textbook in the tournament.

Player to Watch, Russia: Igor Akinfeev. The 22-year-old keeper won the UEFA Cup with CSKA as an 18-year-old, so he’s savvy ahead of his years. He’ll need to keep the rest of his young teammates composed from the backline against what should be a sustained Dutch attack.

Outlook: We’ve seen one version of the Dutch, which attacks, attacks and attacks some more. With Russia we’ve seen three teams, the young team caught under a Spanish Armada. A middling team that caught a break vs. Greece. Finally, a blinding team that spanked Sweden up-and-down the field. Does Hiddink allow this game to be played at 100 mph, where the team with the freshest remaining wingbacks wins? Or does he take the conventional route and play for 1-0 or penalty kicks? With the team Russia has, Hiddink will probably throw caution into the wind. … Netherlands 1, Russia 2

Spain v. Italy, Sunday, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna, Austria; (2:30 p.m., ABC): This is the marquee game of the weekend due to the nations involved. When you think European soccer, Spain and Italy jump right to the forefront. Seriously, this match could set a record for players using hair bands.

Questions: Can Italy cobble a competitive team together without Gattuso and Pirlo? … Or how about a solid defense for that matter? … Does Luca Toni have 90+ plus in him to batter away at the Spanish defense. … Is anyone healthy to play defense for Spain? … And will Sergio Ramos stop doing dumb things? … Is there any humanly possible that if Marco Materazzi starts he doesn’t pick up a red card? … Can Daniel De Rossi lift the Italian midfield up by its scruff by his lonesome? … How does Spain not win this game by multiple goals? … Is the quartet of Torres, Villa, Xavi and Cesc the true ‘holy foursome’ that Brasil wished it had two years ago? … Has Massimo Ambrosini ever played a good game? … Will the fact a couple Italians play in Spain have any impact?

Player to Watch, Spain: Marcos Senna. Though most bill Spain coach Luis Aragones as a racist for his comments about Thierry Henry a couple years ago, the soon-to-be septuagenarian has favored playing the Brasilain-born Senna in the heart of his midfield. His defensive grit should allow the Spain attackers the freedom to pick apart the Italians.

Player to Watch, Italy: Antonio Cassano. No matter what the lineup Donadoni begins with, Cassano should find the field in some capacity be it as a starter or a late sub for Alessandro Del Piero. Cassano is essentially batshit insane, an Italian Milton Bradley, as it were. Considering Bradley is leading the American League in hitting, what’s to say Cassano can’t revive his fortunes on Sunday? He did spend a spell at Real Madrid, so he should be familiar with the Spanish team. With all the injuries and suspensions, Cassano is the one true X-factor for the Azzuri.

Outlook: For the life of me I can’t find a single compelling reason that Italy can win. Spain is better plain and simple. Stranger things have happened. Maybe Roberto Donadoni can find a weakness, but how is Italy going to keep the ball or Spain off the scoreboard? Unless Gigi Buffon stands on his head and Spain hits the post five or six times, it’s not in the cards for Italy. Buffon was able to will Italy through the group, but Spain has too much firepower and is on the same page – something Italy isn’t – and it won’t be enough. … Spain 2, Italy 0

Has enough time really passed that praising Russia won’t get you blacklisted from Hollywood and or certain Chinese takeout joints?

See, when I was a kid all it took was someone busting out NES 8-bit ‘Ice Hockey,’ and impromptu “U-S-A” chants immediately rang out, so long as the hated Soviets were the opponents.

Guess I’m just a relic of a bygone era where Russians equaled the enemy. Apparently the Cold War’s been over long enough that a whole generation of kids have grown up without joking about Mikhail Gorbachev’s birthmark or, to a lesser extent, the daily fear of mutually assured nuclear annihilation. Either way. It’s sad these unfortunate tweens only know the letters ‘CCCP’ as hipster secret code and think Captain Ron was the man who orchestrated the ‘Miracle on Ice’. Gorbachev’s having the last laugh anyways. Russia dropped communism and now flaunts its free market status in our Yankee faces. Hell, they even have a thriving hip-hop scene.

This new Russian frontier allows business magnates like Roman Abramovich to pour billions, yes billions, into world soccer, or his club Chelski. Ambramovich’s personal fortunes, built on oil/energy concerns, lets him personally pay a couple million bucks to Dutchman Guus Hiddink to coach the Russian National Team, and that investment paid off in spades Wednesday.

Russia, not the USSR/CCCP, advanced from the group stages of a major international tournament for the first time when it thoroughly eviscerated Sweden 2-0 in the final matchday from Group D. The fact that it was soccer, not baseball, was the only thing keeping Joe McCarthy’s grave from spontaneously combusting.

Needing nothing short of a win, Russians threw caution into the wind and attacked the hapless Swedes without mercy. Zig-zagging runs, 70-yard passes, dangerous set plays -– all were part of the best Russian front since 1943. Against this, the Swedes held together about as well as that $59.99 Norrebo shelving unit you bought at Ikea last month. It was a fun to see what the Russians would try next, my Yankee blue jeans be damned!

The Ruskies now get an absolutely tantalizing match Saturday afternoon on ABC against the Dutch, whom Hiddink coached at the 1998 World Cup. Wonder if America can drum up any of its now-dormant anti-Russia spirit, or do people just not care any more aside from John Milius? Oh wait, it’s soccer, so 98.2 of Americans probably won’t care anyway.

Wednesday’s heroes: Andrei Arshavin, Roman Pavlyuchenko, Russia. With his second goal of the tournament, Pavlyuchenko all but punched his ticket to a Premier League team of his choice. (Newcastle I’m looking in your direction.) Arshavin would be an intriguing prospect, too, but he plays at Zenit St. Petersburg, which is funded by massive Russian oil company Gazprom, so it doesn’t exactly need the money. Zenit did win the UEFA Cup and has ambitions, so it’s a buyer, not a seller. (It’s only a matter of time before players really start flocking to Mother Russia.)

After sitting out the first two games, Arshavin brought entirely new dynamic to the Russian attack. All day Wednesday Arshavin rampaged around the field like a young Latarian Miltontaking the Swedish defense on one high speed chase after another.

In Guus we Truust. Hopefully U.S. Soccer Federation honcho Sunil Gulati was watching the Russians today. If there’s any way to pry him away from Russia and get him to coach the U.S., it has to be done. Hiddink has now worked wonders with South Korea, Australia and Russia; why not import him stateside? Russia looked awesome Wednesday, playing with an attacking verve from the get-go. It could have been 4-0 or 5-0 very easily. Nothing against current coach Bob Bradley, but a mind like Hiddink could push the U.S. to the next level, not just some Nike ad campaigns. Yes, the US went down foreign coach route with Bora Milutinović a decade or so ago, but it could use some new brains in its think tank, even if it heads into Sunday’s first-stage World Cup qualifier with a paltry 8-0 advantage over Barbados. With Hiddink pulling the strings, Russia has to believe it has a chance vs. the Netherlands. He might single-handedly psyche out the entire Dutch team with his jowelly face.

Ouch: Needing to get a result or go home, Sweden was about as biting as dry white toast, embodied by alleged star striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic. His contribution Wednesday? Trying an audacious overhead scorpion-style kick, only to boot a Russian right in the dome. Yes, he pulled off a move like that against Italy four years ago, but it only proved you can only be that cheeky once and a while. This came two games after he kicked a Greek player in the junk. Ibrahimovic might have the best skill set of any player alive, but he’s got a 1-krona brain and shrinks on the big stage. Jose Mourinho, good luck with him at Inter. If you thought channeling the powers of Didier Drogba was fun, enjoy this.

Best use of a 18th century tsar: Major, major respect to whomever in the Russian camp created and unfurled the massive banner of Peter the Great before Wendesday’s match. Mind-blowing, in a good way since it reminded me of when I learned Peter used to tax Russian citizens who wore beards. With that I issue a full challenge to Sam’s Army or the American Outlaws or whomever to unfurl a massive relief of either George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt or at the very least Rutherford B. Hayes for the next USMNT match on home soil. William Howard Taft is also acceptable.

Niko Belic half-beard award: I guess we could call it the Ryan Howard (Dunder Mifflin Infinity) award. Either way the entire Greek team except for Nikopoldis had a five o’clock shadow by the end of full time, especially defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos. Considering the defending champs went 0-0-3, they should gladly accept this one-of-a-kind honor. Oh, Spain won with a decidedly second choice team 2-1 thanks to a late header by Dani Güiza.

Line of the day: ESPN’s Andy Gray -– rapidly morphing into this football’s John Madden -– on an attempted challenge by Russia’s Diniyar Bilyaletdinov (I think), “He couldn’t tackle a good dinner.”

All-group stage best XI:

My best of the Group Stages:

GK: Gianluigi Buffon, Italy
Defenders (3): Yuri Zhirkov, Russia; Gabriel Tamaş, Romania; Danijel Pranjić, Croatia; Midfielders (4): Wesley Sneijder, the Netherlands; Orlando Engelaar, the Netherlands; Arda Turan, Turkey; Libor Sionko, Czech Republic
Forwards (3): David Villa, Spain; Lucas Podolski, Germany, Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal

Today’s Game, Quarterfinal 1

Portugal v. Germany, St. Jakob Park, Basel, Switzerland (2:30, ESPN): This is rematch of the 2006 World Cup third place match, which Germany won in a rout 3-0. It’s good enough to be a Euro semifinal or even final. If this game didn’t need any more intrigue, German coach Joachim Löw is banned from the sideline due to his hissy fit against Austria. This will give him time to pen a heartfelt emo ballad to Prime Minister Angela Merkel.

Subplots?: Can Big Phil Scolari lead Portugal to glory before taking Chelsea’s blood money? … Will the new grass field installed hold up at St. Jakob Park? … Will Portugal’s lack of a true center forward cost them against the massive German central defense? … Will Miroslav Klose finish the tournament without a goal? … Can Torsten Frings go a full 90+ with a broken rib? … Will speed and step-overs trump the size and power? … Can anyone else on Germany score if Lucas Poldolski can’t play? … Is Portuguese defender Pepe up to the task in a match of this importance?
Player to watch, Portugal: Cristiano Ronaldo. Easy, obvious choice here. Germany is probably a shade better as a whole than Portugal, but Ronaldo is by far the best player on the field. If Portugal is to advance Ronaldo needs to do something special, perhaps from a deadball spot. We already know German captain Michael Ballack can do this, so the onus falls to the No. 7 Winker.
Player to watch, Germany: Jens Lehmann. Let’s face it, even Lehmann’s own ‘mutter’ doesn’t like him. Maybe all his whining in the press is overrated and at home with son Mats and daughter Lieselotte he’s delightful family man and works at soup kitchens. It still doesn’t change the fact he’s got the kind of face you’d pay money to kick. With Portugal likely firing from long distance, Lehmann can’t afford to fumble his much-hated Adidas Europass ball like he did vs. Croatia. Still, if the game does go to penalties, Lehmann has an edge, and maybe notes hidden in his shoe. Perhaps he should follow countryman Dirk Nowitzki’s lead and sing some Hasselhoff songs in his head, should such a situation arise.
Outlook: In the last three Euros, the Portuguese have gone from quarterfinals, to semifinals to finals. If the pattern holds, it should win this tournament, right? Though Portugal looked good in its first two games, they’re up against it with a German team that might have its number physically. The Germans are just bigger and stronger. Germany’s M.O. appears to crush the hopes of anyone its way, regardless of karma points. In fact I’d tab Portugal against anyone except Die Germans. … Portugal 1, Germany 2 (PKs)

Enough time has passed that I don’t feel too bad about sharing this. When Roberto Baggio skied his decisive penalty kick at the Rose Bowl that fateful July afternoon I crumpled to my knees bawled my 14-year-old eyes out.

A lot of the tears stemmed from the other teams I rooted for (Tigers, Jets, UConn basketball) who had always come up short in my lifetime. With Italy – the place of 50 percent of my ancestry — there was a chance to finally experience the thrill of winning, albeit vicariously.

This was going to be it, but no, Baggio and his silly rattail had to screw it all up.

Fourteen years are a long time, and suffice to say my feeling toward ‘The Boot’ and its football team has changed considerably. Maybe any part of me that wanted to root for Italy disappeared when my grandfather, Frank Cardillo, passed away in 1999. He always loved ‘calcio’ and coached Italian ethnic teams in America for many years. I was too young to recall his joy at the Italians World Cup triumph in 1982. Instead, my grandparents were in Italy for the 1990 World Cup, when the hosts were knocked out in the semifinals and according to my father – via trans-Atlantic phone calls – all of Italia was on collective suicide watch.

Though it’s an affront to my grandfather’s memory, nowadays I find it very difficult to root for the Italian national team. This has nothing to do with the stateside guidos that wear ten pounds of hair gel and skin tight Azzuri shirts who wouldn’t know Dino Zoff if he fell on them.

Basically my new-found hatred of Italy came from the 2006 World Cup, when I watched first-hand from Kaiserslautern all their flopping and anti-tactics against the United States in a memorable 1-1 draw. I was just a rube from the States. I had nothing in common with these underwear models in blue shirts.

Oh, and the fact former Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi stole his Meadiaset mascot Gabibbo from Western Kentucky’s Big Red played a factor.

It’s probably an overreaction, but I’ll forever hold a grudge against Italy. Still, Tuesday afternoon I found that dormant Italian-centric gene bubbling toward the surface when Italy took on France in an Euro 2008 win-or-go-home match in Zurich. Maybe it was more a reflection of my American roots and, hence, my dislike of France at all costs.

Was I thrilled when Eric Abidal gave a Ken Shamrock leg-drag on Luca Toni inside the box, setting up Andrea Pirlo’s first-half penalty kick? Not really, though it was a wonderful first touch control by Toni.

Did I jump for joy when Daniel De Rossi’s freekick took a deflection off Thierry Henry’s foot for the clinched? Meh, a little bit.

On Tuesday I found myself wishing more and more my last name began with a Van or had a couple ‘o’s in a row, as once again the Dutch ran rampant, this time with a easy 2-0 win over Romania. Despite Romania having more to play for, every time I flipped over to ESPN Classic it was the guys in Oranje making plays without so much as breaking a sweat, finally breaking through by Klaas-Jan Huntelaar early in the second half.

The Netherlands had earned the right to rest its players thanks to its collective 7-1 thrashings of Italy and France, and even though Marco van Basten fielded a second-choice side, the XI Dutch on the field weren’t exactly mugs. This is a European Championship, and the players had enough pride to give a game effort, even if comes back to bite them by playing Italy later in the tournament.

Robin Van Persie summed up the Dutch attitude when he scored out of nowhere in the 86th minute and celebrated by swinging his arm in the fashion of a conductor wrapping up a symphony.

In short, I’m Oranje with envy. Sorry gramps.

Tuesday’s hero: Daniel De Rossi, Italy. The man of the match winner, and well-deserved. Beside his goal he was a terror going forward all night. Makes you wonder why he wasn’t in the first game against the Dutch. It also makes you forget his horrific elbow that bloodied Brian McBride two years ago in Germany.

Au revoir: France, we hardly knew ye. It boggles the mind that a team stacked with world-class talents could put together 270 minutes of such putrid play. Blame coach Raymond Domenech’s star charts. Blame the uninspired players. Blame the refs or the wet grass. Blame everything except the retirement of Zinédane Zidane two years ago.

But hey, at least the 56-year-old Domenech proposed to his 31-year-old gal pal after the match, bizarrely saying, “You have to tell people you love them. In such difficult moments, you have to go to what's important. I wanted to show some emotion.”

No one is going to miss the French, but when the creative Franck Ribery got stretchered off in a shock blanket after getting tangled up with Gianluca Zambrotta and suffering a severe leg injury, you knew it wasn’t in the stars. (It was like a bad ‘Rescue 911’ reenactment.)

Domenech, who is under contract two more years, will rightly be slaughtered for his commitment to a defensive-minded team, and the easy target is gray-haired 24-year-old Jérémy Toulalan, who in two games did two things – put his uniform on twice. Domenech also replaced Lilian Thuram in the center of the defense with Abidal, which obviously didn’t work out. There’s a chance Toni beats Thuram in that spot, but it’s unlikely Thuram adds insult to injury and draws the red card. Even then, Domenech never threw caution into the wind, sticking with his defensive-minded approach.

If I cared about the French or was a supporter, the most disconcerting aspect of the tournament was the lack of urgency. Never did the French have the look of winners. They simply waited for something to happen.

It never did.

Hate to delve into this lowest common denominator stuff, but the French truly were, ‘cheese-eating, surrender monkeys’ at this tournament.

It’s his world: The view from my television tells me Gianluigi Buffon looks mildly nuts. He’s got the crazy eyes. If he shook your hand, he’d break it in five places. After Italy scored he ran into the net and shook the netting like Charlton Heston rattling his cage in “Planet of the Apes.” The thing is, he’s proven himself the world’s best shot stopper so he can do whatever he wants, even if that includes wearing a blue skiing vest under his uniform shirt.

16 minutes in heaven: Unforgettable day for France youngster Samir Nasri. The Marseilles midfielder got subbed on for Franck Ribery in the 10th minute and then was gone in the 26th when Domenech reshuffled the deck due to Abidal’s sending off. His replacement? The immortal Jean-Alain Boumsong.

If you don’t know about Boumsong, his name is essentially a walking punch line to the British football media. It’s not like Boumsong is good, but he’s not the worst player of all time either. Is it his fault Newcastle United shelled out £8 million bid for him and signed him for 5½ years? It’s weird; if you make a mistake in England, it forever haunts you. No matter what else you accomplish you’re forever linked to one mistake, like how a pederast has to go door-to-door and introduce himself when he moves.

Worst, celebration, ever.: Antonio Cassano, Italy. The Italian nutter walked off the field in nothing but his underoos and socks. Thank me for no linking it. And while we’re on Cassano, nice dolphin tattoo.

Thanks for playing: Romania. Perhaps in a different group the yellow-men could have gotten into the knockout stages. It was an accomplishment for Romania to even be in Austria, but meh, one goal in three games is nothing to hang your hat on.

Keep in perspective: Yes, defending world champion Italy is in the quarters. Not to rain on their parade, though, but the Azzuri aren’t long for the tournament. Yes, they looked good after scoring the first goal vs. France, and Fabio Grosso did hit the post on a freekick, but they will be without Gennaro Gattuso and Pirlo for the quarters. Spain can’t catch a break, sure, but this is a year it really ought to get past Italy, which will need every brain cell from Roberto Donadoni to formulate a gameplan.

Today’s games (Group D):

Simple equation today. Spain has already won the group and Greece is out. Sweden gets through via win or draw, Russia advances with a win. Easy.

Russia v. Sweden, Tivoli Neu, Innsbruck, Austria; (2:30 p.m, ESPN): If you’re a fan of large, square-jawed men hacking at each other from countries usually associated with ice hockey, this is your match. Sweden looked quite comfortable sitting back and absorbing the pressure in the second half Saturday vs. Spain. That should be a much easier prospect against a Russian team that lacks the quality of the Spaniards. On the other side, Russia is going to have to put a couple more attackers on the field, because its preferred 3-6-1 system might not do it. Sweden may rest its top player, Zlatan Imbrohimovic, setting up an easy second-guess for coach Lars Lagerbäck (who appears to have given up shaving) if they screw up. Russia isn’t bad, but it’s going to have to pound away at Sweden from the start in hopes of squeezing one past Andreas Isaksson. Underrated subplot: Who does Dolph Lundgren support here? He’s a Swede, but most famous for playing Soviet superhuman Ivan Drago. Decisions, decisions.
Guy to watch: Andrei Arshavin, Russia. The one-time Russian captain was out through suspension for the first two matches and should be deployed in this game as they need at least one goal minimum to have any hopes of moving on. He’s scored 11 times in 34 international matches, which isn’t terrible.
Score guess: Russia 1, Sweden 0

Greece v. Spain, Wals-Siezenheim Stadion, Salzburg, Austria; (2:30 p.m., ESPN2): Barring injury to a Spanish starter, this one means next to nothing unless you like shots of Greece coach Otto Rehhagel’s helmet hair. Spain knows it gets Italy on Sunday, so they’ll be on cruise control.
Guy to watch: Dani Güiza, Spain. Considering most of the Spain first choices will be getting facials, why not spotlight Güiza, whose wife — Nuria Bermúdez is apparently ‘road beef’ for most Spanish players. Apparently she used to run with Cristiano Ronaldo and tried to start rumors that she and David Beckham hooked up.
Score guess: Greece 1, Spain 1

Monday afternoon around 4 p.m.-ish (Eastern), 6,000 miles away, on two separate continents, a pair of underdogs tried their darnedest to make history. In Vienna, the Austria national team tried to stun Germany at Euro 2008, while in San Diego palooka golfer Rocco Mediate tried to out-nerve possible-cyborg Tiger Woods in a U.S. Open playoff.

The similarities are too many to ignore.

Mediate and Austria are nobodies — journeymen needed to fill out the tournament — with a shared loved of schnitzel and garish pins. (Ok, a bit of a reach; the schnitzel at least.)

Tiger and the Germans? Another story. Both are cold, ruthlessly efficient winning machines.

Mediate’s task was to dethrone the world’s best golfer in a head-to-head 18-hole showdown, whilst Austria had to topple their one-time rulers and a team they hadn’t beaten since 1978. And for a good while Monday afternoon, both heavy underdogs looked up to the task. Mediate hung with Woods, while the Austrians frustrated the Germans, earning the love of the home fans at the Ernst Happel Stadion.

Like a lot of times in these situations, it’s more of a moment of brilliance from the stars than a collapse by the underdogs. Woods birdied the 18th hole and won on the next hole. Meanwhile, Germany spared itself the blushes, at least until Tom Cruise’s ‘Valkyrie’ is released, when Michael Ballack blasted a V2 rocket off his right foot from 25 yards off a free kick in the 49th minute. These two things happened within roughly 15 minutes of each other.

The underdogs on both continents gave their best efforts, but in the end their attempt to crash the history books fell short and the cruel reality is that their performances on Monday will be lost to the sands of time.

Since this is a supposed to be a soccer thing, let’s focus on Austria. The Euro 2008 co-host was lampooned from everyone aside from Jay Leno; at one point, embarrassed home fans staged a petition to have Austria removed from the tournament. This was a country nestled between powerhouses Mozambique and Thailand for No. 92 in the FIFA world rankings. Austria simply hasn’t had much to get excited about since the fall of the Habsburg dynasty, and that malaise seemingly manifested itself on the national team.

Against the odds, the Austrians channeled their inner Schwarzenegger and knocked Gray Davis out of office, err, managed a respectable account, finishing ahead of last-place Poland in Group B via goal difference.

Look, finishing third in an event that doesn’t hand out bronze medals isn’t exactly the American way (actually, maybe for soccer, it is), but this is Austria — or the much cooler sounding Österreich. Outside of downhill skiing and Sigmund Freud Appreciation Day what else do they have to look forward to? The 2009 release of Sasha Baron Cohen’s, “Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt”? (Yeah, that’ll boost Austria’s worldwide Q-rating.)

That’s more than enough on Austria avoiding humiliation.

Germany’s win, as unimpressive as it might have been, set up a cracking Thursday quarterfinal against Portugal in Basel. And more important, (cue the Ted DiBiase evil laugh) Germany was my pre-tournament pick, so wallet trumps heart when rooting with your heart involves a land-locked central European nation you have absolutely no connection with.

Monday’s hero: We’ll put the sarcasm on hold for a second to give some dap to Croatia striker Ivan Klasnić scoring against Poland. Early in 2007 he received a kidney transplant from his mother, but his body rejected the organ forcing him into another operation. He has to wear a special shield to cover his kidney from direct kicks.

Me me me!: Spanish ref Manuel Mejuto González channeled his inner Placido Domingo and wanted to hog the spotlight for Monday’s Germany/Austria game, as ejecting both coaches from the touchline for what was deemed, “Constant bickering.” Jeez, who knew Joachim Löw and Josef Hickersberger were a married couple of 30 years? At least Löw got a halftime braut out of the deal.

Best name ever: Jürgen Macho, Austria. Translates to George Macho. Sounds like the protagonist of a CBS procedural drama.

Dunder Mifflin Munich: Maybe it’s just me, but German’s pint-sized back Philip Lahm has a dash of the ‘Nard Dog’ Andy Bernard in him.

Foux do fa fa: What is the deal with the German fans and their love affair with fake ‘faux hawks’? I saw this become all the rage at the last World Cup and noticed the trend is still around two years later.

Worst, miss, ever.: Mario Gomez, don’t take a bow. Maybe a curtsey would be more fitting. Inside the first five minutes against Austria, Miroslav Klose shaked and baked through the defense and put the ball at Gomez’s toe on a wide-open goal. Gomez roofed it, but still had a chance to try to head it (weird physics, I know) but didn’t even bother. If he starts Thursday vs. Portugal, Löw needs his head examined.

Adios, Polska: Thanks for playing, Poland. For finishing fourth in Group B we have some lovely Casio keyboards and BK Knight sneakers as parting gifts. Guess losing 3-0 to the United States on home soil in March wasn’t a good omen for the Poles.

Crossing fingers: ESPN moved the Adrian Healey/Andy Gray team to the top game today. Wonder if they’ll continue with them in the knockouts when there is only one match per day, or will it be split between the Derek Rae/Tommy Smyth tandem? If ESPN is smart they’ll get their money’s worth from Gray and keep him in the broadcast broom closet.

Today’s Games (Group C)

Two teams from the ‘Group of Death’ (ugh) gets their last rites today (double-ugh). The Netherlands is through as group winners. Dark horse Romania gets through no matter what with a win and could get by with a draw, assuming France and Italy also draw. It’s a real life version of Hank Scorpio asking Homer which his least favorite country (nobody ever picks Italy), but instead of being scorched by a giant laser, the loser here gets an early vacation. Joking aside, this is the only group stage finale that picture-in-picture is a must.

France v. Italy, Letizgrund, Zurich, Switzerland (2:30 p.m., ESPN): Here’s the set-up. We have the 2006 World Cup finalists in a do-or-die match, and even then they both need outside help. We also have two teams that are quite familiar, since they came out of the same qualifying group. For the record, France won 3-1 way back in 2006 thanks to a brace from Sidney Govou. They drew the other match 0-0. Considering the stakes neither side can come out for the dreaded scoreless result. So far these two world titans have matched results, chumpatization by the Dutch and draws with a cagey Romanian side. At least Italy showed a little life vs. Romania and might be inspired by keeper Gianluigi Buffon’s heroic penalty stop. France hasn’t shown anything and coach Raymond Domenech probably equates it to the phases of the moon or some astrological bullshit. If he doesn’t field an attack-minded XI to challenge the shaky Italian backline his miserable tournament will be over. The French really haven’t shown any kind of resolve and seem to be waiting for Zinadine Zidane to walk out and save their bacon. Unless he decides to headbutt the entire Italian team in the dressing room, Les Blues will have to do it on their own. France has better individuals from a skill standpoint, but Italy seems to be clicking a little more as a team, which might prove the difference.
Player to watch: Luca Toni, Italy. To this point the only image of Toni is with his hands out and his eye-bulging in exasperation due to numerous missed chances. If Italy has any shot the big No. 9 has to find the net against a suspect French defense.
Score guess: Italy 2, France 1

Netherlands v. Romania, Stade de Suisse Wankdorf, Berne, Switzerland (2:30, ESPN Classic): As soon as they qualified Romania was the team most likely to take the mantle from Greece as defensive-minded outsiders. When Romania was lumped in this group, my early darkhorses pick lost a lot of credence. Still, in two games they’ve played defensive anti-soccer to a ‘T’ thanks to a solid backline headed by Christian Chivu and Gabriel Tamas. That defense, though, takes a hit with center back Dorin Goian out due to yellow card suspension and midfielder Mirel Rădoi out due to a facial fracture. The question here, is what does Dutch coach Marco Van Basten do with his lineup? Does he pull back the oars or keep the momentum of the Oranje machine rolling? It would probably benefit the Dutch to take it easy because most of their players bones appear to be made from glass. If France or Italy sneak by, they could see them again in the semifinals and their 3-0 and 4-1 tricks might not play as well the second time. Either way, Romania has to come out and attack for the first time so it will be interesting to see if the Dutch defense can hold up in a mildly pressurized spot.
Player to watch: Bănel Nicoliţă, Romania. The 23-year-old was billed as a possible break-out player and hasn’t done much in two games. Perhaps Romania coach Victor Piţurcă loosens the strings and allows Nicoliţă to do something. He is from the ‘Roma’ community, which is by my estimation the PC-term for gypsies. (Insert joke here.)
Score guess: Netherlands 1, Romania 1

Apologies: Superman had kryptonite, I have proofreading. Yesterday there were a couple mistakes in the post, so yeah, I know there isn’t a classic arcade game ‘Missile Captain’ it’s ‘Missile Command’. Don’t send Roy Shildt after me.

So there I am Saturday afternoon thinking to myself as Russia ground out a 1-0 win over Greece, what did I get myself into? I had to watch these games in order to do these daily writeups, but after a solid week of five hours of matches per day, even an ardent soccer fan like myself has his limits.

I finally sympathized with Mruczek, the head official of video game scoreboard ‘Twin Galaxies,’ whose life is devoted to watching endless VHS tapes to verify classic gaming scores. In short, Saturday I felt the same way, only with soccer replacing ‘Mappy,’ ‘Joust’ and ‘Missile Captain.’ Oh, and of course, without a krieg ‘Total Recall’ t-shirt. (Yes, “I needed some air.”)

Approximately 24 hours after questioning my sanity, I was equally bewildered, but in a much more different way. Turkey’s stunning, thrilling, unbelievable, memorable, improbable, etc. 3-2 victory over the Czech Republic in a Euro 2008 win or go home match, left my head spinning worse than a large French vanilla coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and my cell phone buzzing. In a steady rain, the Turks rallied from a 2-0 deficit in the final 15 minutes and somehow won the game and avoided penalty kicks. (If it ended in ties, thanks to a million tiebreakers, PKs would have been the decider.)

In all honesty, there’s nothing on par with what the Turks pulled off. It was a thousand to one shot. Everyone likes to rip on soccer for lack of scoring, but the Turks fired in three in 15 minutes thanks to a massive gaffe by Czech keeper Petr Cech. Like I’ve said before you can hate soccer, but you can’t hate a game like this. Even ESPN studio host Rece Davis seemed genuinely impressed.

The Czechs dominated the first half, and it never looked like the Turks were going to get back in the game. Czech ogre Jan Koller scored on a header to make it 1-0, as they dominated possession. Hopefully someone captured Turk coach Fatih Terim’s halftime speech. Did he literally threaten his team about, “going to see ‘The Turk?’” Death by public stoning? Looking at Hedo Turkoglu naked?

Whatever he barked out worked, as the Turks were a completely changed team and threw everything –- even the kitchen sink -– at the Czech goal. Still, they were down 2-0 on Jan Polak Jaroslav Plasil’s acrobatic ninja kick midway through the half. (Polak finished the game with a makeshift diaper on his head to stem the red tide from a gaping wound on his forehead. Oh, he also hit the post a few minutes later. Safe to say he didn’t sleep Sunday night.)

Still, the Turk resolve held as they kept pressing and firing, as the Czech’s amazing lost all their nerve defensively. What’s so crazy is that the Czech defensive foursome (Grygera, Rozehnal, Ujfaluši and Jankulovski) plus Tomas Galasek had a combined 296 international caps. Why, with the finish line starting at them, did they let in words of Lebowski, “the plane crash into the mountain?”

Turk hero Arda Turan began the comeback when he lashed a cross off Petr Cech’s finger tips into the net. It only got worse for the Czech and Cech. The Chelsea keeper is in the elite class of stop stoppers, but had a blunder/gaffe/howler for the ages when he couldn’t handle Colin Kazim Richards cross, allowing Nihat to pounce.

It got worse for the Czechs minutes later when Nihat got behind the line and beat Cech over his head in the 87th minute. Good thing Czech coach Karel Bruckner is already retiring, because he’d be crucified for this epic collapse.

That’s the thing that might get forgotten; as wondrous as the Turk comeback was, it was an equally awful Czech meltdown. Even when it got to 2-2, they had to at least get the game to the penalty shootout.

This tournament’s been epic already, and the next two weeks have elevated beyond must-watch status. It’ll be tough to top Sunday’s tilt, but we can all hope. What else is there on at 2:30 in the afternoon anyway? ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ reruns? ‘Tyra’?

Fittingly, a week after Jim McKay died, Sunday was truly, ‘the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.’

Weekend’s best:

Best performance (team): The Dutch. Absolutely blinding display against France Friday afternoon. It’s a safe bet a lot of Americans ordered some orange jerseys after Wesley Sneijder’s wonder-goal.

The Turks. Like Costanza at Play Now Sports, tough to weed out as they came back from 1-0 down to win for the second straight game.

Best performance by a wild west gunslinger: Gianluigi Buffon, Italy. Not only did the black bandana clad Italian No. 1 stop Adrian Mutu second half penalty kick Friday afternoon in Zurich, he also robbed a couple stagecoaches en route to Geneva after the match. Kidding aside, with Cech’s meltdown and Iker Casillas letting in a soft goal for Spain, Buffon gave himself some distance in any future best keepers in the world debates.

Best performance by a Gilette Mach 3 razor user: David Villa, Spain. Meticulously groomed ice-pick sideburns and soul patch? Europeans are just different, I guess. Oh right, he scored a stunning goal at the death vs. Sweden, hauling in a 50-yard pass and weaving past Petter Hansson and Olof Mellberg and slotting calmly by keeper Andreas Isaakson for his fourth goal of the tourney.

Guissepe Franco Award (best goal from a prematurely balding player): Arjen Robben, the Netherlands. Get this man some Procede. His goal Friday, about 50 seconds after France had scored, was simply audacious. Was there even an angle on it? Simply marvelous for a guy that doesn’t look a day under 47.

Best performance by a guy with one-name: Nihat, Turkey. The sunken-eyed Villareal striker cleaned up Petr Cech’s epic blunder then beat the Czech offside and buried the winner right under the bar. Folk songs are currently being penned in his honor.

Best performance by a guy named Libor Sionko: Since the Czechs were dumped Sunday, time to praise the out-of-nowhere showing by Sionko on the right flank, who’ll likely be signed by a club with “Borussia” in the name line within the next 48 hours.

Best line: ESPN’s Adrian Healy after Sneijder’s wonderstrike at the death of the Netherlands 4-1 win over France, “It’s a Dutch Oven and the French are toast.” Did he have that written down, or did he channel his inner Craig Kilborn on the spot? Regardless, not bad from the Bristol broom closet.

Best burly shove: Sweden’s Johann Ellmander delivered a massive hockey-style hip-check to Spain’s David Silva in first half stoppage time Saturday, but didn’t get called for a penalty.

Best upgrade: ESPN swapping Andy Gray to the lead game on Sunday (Turkey/Czech) and relegating the impishly annoying Tommy Smyth to the meaningless Portgual/Swiss affair. Gray’s candor is unparalleled, especially when he called out Hamit Altintop for faking an injury to stop a Czech attack. Gray called it an, “embarrassment.” Moving in Gray made the usually stuffy Derek Rae much more tolerable, so what if Gray sneaks out for a round of golf.

Best mullet: Turkey’s Tuncay Sanli, who could have doubled for the lead singer of Quiet Riot in the ‘Metal Health’ video.

Weekend’s worst:

Worst gaffe part 1: So, Greek keeper Antonios Nikopolidis is hailed as a George Clooney look-a-like in his home country. Saturday against Russia the silver-haired shot-stopper had his ‘Batman and Robin’ moment, sans molded plastic nipples. For whatever the reason Nikopolidis ran about 10 yards off his line to chase a cross, missed the ball, -flapped at it, and in his absence Russia scored on the open net.

Worst gaffe part 2> No need to pile on, but Petr Cech, your billing as one of the world’s top goalkeepers took a major hit Sunday. Yeah, it was raining and all, but there are no excuses for dropping that cross and allowing Nihat’s equalizer. Again, not to pile on, but Cech hasn’t been quite the same since fracturing his skull, or maybe not the same since Chelsea broke up the William Gallas-Ricardo Carvalho-John Terry defensive troika…or maybe he just had a bad day at the worst time possible.

Worst HD moment: Spain coach Luis Aragones’ liver spots, although on the plus side they are the most prolific liver spots since Marge Simpson painted C. Montgomery Burns in the nude.

Worst miss: Thierry Henry of France had a 1-v-1 on Dutch keeper Edwin Van der Saar and roofed his chance into orbit. If ‘TH14’ were wearing red, he buries it.

Worst fake injury: As mentioned before, Hamit Altintop caught a ball to the chest and went down like it was a bullet out of Niko Belic’s Desert Eagle.

Worst Zidane moment: Volkan Demirel, Turkey. What on earth was the Turk keeper thinking when he shoved Jan Koller in injury time and got sent off? Koller may have gone down like a sack of potatoes, but you’ve got to show a little more poise there. Now Demirel is out for the quarterfinal against Croatia, meaning either the ancient Rüştü Reçber or the inexperienced Tolga Zengin has to play. The Turks are also without Mehmet Aurelio due to yellow card accumulation.

Today’s games (Group B)

Austria v. Germany, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna (ESPN, 2:30 p.m.): Germany is 20-8-6 all-time against Austria; give them 21 wins if you want to count the Anschluss. It’s hard to believe the pre-tournament favorites, Germany, are already in an Armageddon match with their neighbors to the south, who themselves could advance with a win and a little help via Croatia. It is worth noting Germany hasn’t advanced from the group stage of the last two Euros, but this one is sitting on a plate, even if Lucas Poldolski, Marcell Jansen and Philip Lahm don’t play. Austria’s poor goalkeeping is the difference here, though the hosts could look to 1978 for inspiration, when they sent Germany home from the World Cup. The way things are going at the Euro, anything is possible…but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Player to watch: Michael Ballack, Germany. “Hi I’m Michael from Germany.” Herr Ballack’s disappearing act from the first two games is one of the underrated subplots of the tournament. Against a weaker opponent the midfield general should return to form – pointy spiked helmet, optional. Guess he’s worn out from introducing himself to the worlds smallest teams in those Adidas spots.
Score guess: Austria 0, Germany 2

Croatia v. Poland, Wörtherseestadion, Klagenfurt, Austria (ESPN Classic, 2:30 p.m.): Croatia likely takes a set break, considering its already clinched the group. Poland needs to win – by a couple goals – and have Austria turn back Germany by less goals. Confusing enough? Put it this way, Poland needs a minor miracle, like me getting a date with Polish-born model Joanna Krupa.
Player to watch: Ebi Smolarek, Poland. If the Poles have any hopes of advancing to the knockouts, the ‘Hash Bomber’ needs to put one (toke) over the line.
Score guess: Croatia 1, Poland 1

Dear Barclay’s Premier League mid-table club owners —

Please find a way to sign Croatian coach Slaven Bilic as soon as Euro 2008 finishes. He might wear an earring on the touchline, but don’t let that scare you away from spending your hard-earned British Pounds on the 39-year-old.

Yes, he might play in a metal band, but he also holds a Law degree.

More important, he beat the England National Team twice in qualification, including a 3-2 stunner at Wembley Stadium. (Okay, most primates could outwit Steve McClaren, but still.)

As a neutral American observer from across the pond, having Bilic rocking on the sidelines will make me more willing to watch your club play. And if you give Bilic the time to learn English better, imagine what it will do for his song-writing career. Imagine the depth and introspection.

So want your supporters to get excited when inevitably they’ll finish somewhere between eighth and 12th in the table? Get Bilic to sign on the dotted line and at worst he writes a thrashing jam about it.

You’ll thank me later.

Rock on,

Mike Cardillo

——————————————————————

Thursday, metal man Bilic led the Speed of Sound Tour, err, the Croatian National Team to an impressive 2-1 victory over the hated Germans in Klagenfurt, Austria. The sound and fury of the men in the checkers, coached by the Rawbau guitarist, left German coach Joachim Löw and his emo-styled bangs shaking their heads in bewilderment.

It’s doubtful we’ve seen the Germans with so much self-doubt and confusion since the days of the Wiemar Republic. After declaring themselves as serious tournament favorites in their opening win over Poland, the Germans are left needing a victory over Austria, which drew Poland 1-1 via penalty kick in extra time, next week to advance.

Yeah, Lucas Podolski snatched a late goal to make it 2-1, but the fury you expected from the Germans in the final 10 minutes never arose, aside from Bastian Schweinsteiger drawing a mindless red card for retaliating after a tackle.

For today though, let’s spread the praises of the Croats. The first goal scored by Darijo Srna was the result of about 15 passes strung together to bring the ball up the field, triggering a James Hetfield-style, “Ye-awh” from Bilic.

The second was the result when Hasselhoff, err, Jens Lehmann made a minor fumble, allowing Ivica Olic to clean up the mess.

The Croats are a good mix of grool hard-men like the Kovacs, and the skilled attackers of Modric and Kranjcar (who blew two clear chances to make it 2-0). Plus, they place their hands over their hearts during the national anthem. (See, they’re just like us!)

Everything goes back to Bilic, who seems to have a glint of Jose Mourinho in him even if he doesn’t fancy expensive man-scarves, which he more than makes up for with the brazen earring. Bilic appears to be channeling the playbook of Jürgen Klinsmann from the 2006 World Cup, where a youthful coach inspired a young-ish team and celebrated right there with them. It’s doubtful that Klinsmann wrote and recorded the German song for the tournament, like Bilic did for the Euro –Vatero Ludilo (Fiery Madness).

Although he fined a couple players for sneaking out to a Zagreb disco ahead of a qualifier, it wouldn’t be shocking if Bilic was caught with the fans ripping cigs, shotgunning warm pils and partying like a rock star after Thursday’s win in Klagenfurt. For one night at least, Croatia (Hrvat!!!) earned it for winning Group B and, more important, neutering the Germans worse than Clemenceau and the boys at the Treaty of Versailles.

Just remember, you can’t exactly dust for vomit … and there are still four more games – if you’re lucky – to go.

Thursday’s heroes: Danijel Pranjic, Croatia. Hard to single-out one Croat on a day they made Germany look like Austria in disguise, but Pranjic came from left back and eviscerated the pairing of Philip Lahm and Clemens Fritz, forcing Germany to changed things up in the second half. His cross set up Darijo Srna’s goal.

Ivica Vastić, Austria. The 39-year-old Croatian born substitute drilled a 92nd minute penalty kick as coolly as you can, keeping hope alive for Austria. He also earns a lifetime supply of beer from Austrian brewer Ottakringer Brauerei, which is nice.

Artur Boruc, Poland. The new papa came up huge in the first 20 minutes, turning away numerous Austrian shots, as the co-hosts shot out of the gates. I’m not going to hold it against him that he gave up a late penalty kick; guess he’s no Brad Friedel. (Also more importantly, Boruc has the one Polish name that is easy to spell.)

Der German ödd couple: Christoph Meltzelder and Philip Lahm. Meltzelder is a giant, rocking one of the only full beards in the tournament. Lahm is might have been a body-double for Verne Troyer in that dreadful new Mike Myers flick.

Angry, a little?: The most bizarre exchange during ESPN’s coverage had to come from Rob Stone, a perceived soccer-guy. After Andy Gray said there was no such thing as an ugly goal, Stone came out of leftfield with this one at halftime of Austria/Poland, “Is there such thing as an ugly prom date? (restrained laughs at the desk)…there is.” You could hear Julie Foudy groan, but Stone wasn’t done. “Hey, she deserves it, but not enough.” Guess someone didn’t have such an enchanted evening. Good thing it’s hard to imagine Stone’s prom date was actually watching him host “Euro Today.”

Weekend preview

Friday (Group C)

It’s a shame these games are both Friday noon-ish, because they’re the most intriguing of the next three days.

Italy v. Romania, Pro Letzigrund, Zurich, Switzerland (11:50 a.m., ESPN2): Italy was flat-out putrid vs. the Netherlands on Monday while Romania played a rigid, defensive game against France taking one shot in the process. The Azzuri should tinker with the lineup, while Romania is going to have show a little attacking impetus, though they could conceivably take the draw seeing they play the Dutch last and beat them twice in qualification. Maybe the biggest question is if Italy can get any spark from its midfield.
Player to watch: Andrea Pirlo, Italy. If you get the Universal HD channel, they’re been running the 2006 World Cup film. It’s stunning to watch in HD. You forgot how great Pirlo was in that tournament pulling the strings in the midfield and creating danger from freekicks. He’s only 29 and needs to channel his 2006/07 form to cut through the yellow-clad Romanian midfield.
Score guess: Italy 1, Romania 0

Netherlands v. France, Wankdorf Stadion, Berne, Switzerland: (2:30 p.m., ESPN2): Absolutely intriguing match-up because of what transpired on Monday. The Dutch blitzed Italy 3-0, while France slept-walk to a 0-0 draw with Romania. It’s impossible to think the Dutch can play as good as they did and will surely be tested by a desperate France side that will be forced to take it out of first-gear. This will probably come down to coaching, as in whether Marco van Basten or Raymond Domenech make the right adjustments from the previous match. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but this one could have some goals in it.
Player to watch: Karim Benzema, France. The 20-year-old is touted as the next big player from France. With Thierry Henry nicked up and the only other options up from Nic Anelka and international neophyte Batetimbi Gomis, Benzema needs to create havoc in front of an untested Dutch defense.
Score guess: Netherlands 2, France 2

Saturday (Group D)

Sweden v. Spain, Tivoli Neu Stadion, Innsbruck, Austria (11:50 a.m., ESPN2): Pretty straightforward here, if either side wins they essentially wrap up the group. These two teams came out of the same qualifying group, Sweden winning 2-0 at home about in late 2006, while Spain won 3-0 in Madrid about a year ago. Wonder if Spain feels any pressure to dispatch the Swedes as quickly as they did the Russians?
Player to watch: Andreas Isaksson, Sweden. The Sweden No. 1 basically had to simply stand on his line Tuesday against the Greeks. He’ll be under a lot more pressure Saturday. He didn’t play much for Manchester City this season, so maybe that becomes a factor against the Torres-Villa tag-team.
Score guess: Sweden 1, Spain 2

Greece v. Russia, Wals Siezenheim Stadion, Salzburg, Austria (2:30 p.m., ESPN2): Don’t’ want to break-out the diehards only chestnut, but …
Player to watch: Roman Pavlyuchenko, Russia. The baby-faced 26-year-old leading-scorer in the Russian Premier League did net late vs. Spain. Maybe he’ll do it again to give Russian a lifeline to the final matchday.
Score guess: Greece 0, Russia 1

Sunday (Group A)

* Portugal is through to the quarterfinals.
* The winner of Czech/Turkey advances. If that ends in a tie, all hell breaks lose, since they’ve both scored two goals and let in three. There’s an outside shot there could be an impromptu penalty-kick shootout if full time ends in a draw. And if that ends in a draw, it’s revolvers at 20 paces. (Don’t think about it too much or your head will explode.)

Switzerland v. Portugal, St. Jakob Park, Basel, Switzerland (2:30 p.m., ESPN2): Hard to say what happens here for a lot of reasons. Will the Swiss show up and try to at least get a win for the home fans, or have they already confirmed their plan tickets to Ibiza? Portugal on the other hand likely won’t show much and could give some reserves a little bit of run. Barring a massive loss or Turkey or the Czechs winning by a couple, Portugal is top of group, so they can’t fool around trying to set up if they play Germany or Croatia in the quarters.
Guy to watch: Ludovic Magnin, Switzerland. To his credit, came off as maybe the only likeable guy on the co-hosts.
Score guess: Switzerland 0, Portugal 2

Turkey v. Czech Republic, Stade de Geneve, Geneva, Switzerland (2:30 p.m, ESPN Classic): By far the single must-watch of the four weekend fixtures. Basically this is the old Mussolini-inspired, ‘Win or die’ match. This is going to be a banger, with lots of physical play that could go back-and-forth until the final whistle. The Czechs are better, but the Turks won’t go down without a fight in front of what figures to be a pro-Turk crowd. When people talk about soccer’s ‘atmosphere’ this is a game they’ll talk about. Again, must watch because neither team can just sit back and let things happen. Instead they’ll both have initiative from the first whistle.
Guy to watch: Milan Baros, Czech. The well-traveled striker showed glimpses of his 2004 form when he won the Golden Boot in Portugal against Portugal. Against the less-pedigreed, yet more rugged, Turk defenders he’ll have to make something happen.
Score guess: Turkey 1, Czech Republic 2

There’s no sense convincing you why Wednesday’s Portugal’s 3-1 win over the Czechs was an absolute pleasure to watch. No, this wasn’t the best 90 minutes ever assembled. It simply brought out the best from two world-class teams, stocked with technically gifted players.

It contrasted the flair and step-overs of the Portuguese to the textbook movements by the decidedly post-Communist Czechs. This is why a tournament like the Euro is a must watch for sports junkies. You might not exactly drool over soccer like I do, but you have to respect a game like this from a purely sporting level.

From the start there was a sense this could be a good one as soon as the strains of “A Portuguesa” began to resonate around the Stade de Geneve. It set the stage for the contrast between the XIs from the get-go.

Notice the Portuguese players belting out the song with all their hearts -– much like the fans in the crowd (and my friend Ed Mello.) Compare it to when the dour Czech Republic as its anthem -– “Kde domov můj?” (Where is my home?) — rang out. Very stern. Very rigid, yet intimidating. (Perhaps a country-wide search for a new anthem is in order? A little bleak, no? Better yet, make it a reality television show so everyone makes a couple Czech koruna.)

The sides were different in mentality, but shared a philosophy of playing quality soccer and an affinity for tattoo parlors, too.

The first goal for Portugal from Deco was instantly forgettable, save the double-fumble from the usefully peerless Petr Cech. Twice he couldn’t get possession of the ball whilst prone, allowing Deco to bull the shot from short distance. If there’s one apparent weakness in Cech’s game, it’s that he gives up a lot of long rebounds off shots.

Then game was on, though, nine minutes later when Libor Sionko threw his body on the line to head home from a corner, with an assist via-body-block of the nearest defender by teammate Jan Polak.

The Group A heavyweights traded blows the next hour or so. They even shed a little blood when Sionko caught Paolo Ferreira in the eyebrow, prompting the Chelsea-defender to get some of that gunk used in boxing.

When Portugal forward Numo Gomes is throwing his body in front of balls to block shots and Milan Baros is making 50+ yard snaking runs, you know you’ve got a doozy on your hands.

Around the 60-minute mark I began to worry that the teams would ease off the throttle and become complacent and settle to split the points. Would they stop playing since a draw would help them both?

Didn’t matter, Ronaldo thumped home the knockout blow from a square centering ball by Deco, ripping it past Cech at a tremendous velocity low to the ground. The man who almost everyone tipped to start at the tournament had opened his goal account.

Still, the Czechs didn’t roll over until the bitter end. Sionko found a free header in the box in the 83rd minute. There were a couple occasions were the occasions the Czechs placed service into the box and couldn’t get a final touch on it.

The final Portuguese goal was cruel fortune for the Czechs. At the end of a grueling 90-minute affair, Deco (I think) took a super-quick free-kick 60 yards in the air to Ronaldo, who had about 20 yards of freespace to all sides. Ronaldo wasn’t selfish and slipped it over to an unmarked Quaresma on the left to officially end it.

Ronaldo aside, there probably wasn’t a lot of highlight clip stuff in this one. It was simply a high-level match between two very good international teams. Portugal’s quality at the end was the slight difference.

It made watching Switzerland/Turkey an hour or so later all the more a test of endurance — albeit one with a fantastic finish. The level of play was already a notch below the first game. There were lingering hostilities due to a fight two years ago, but a drenching raining and water-logged field at Basel coupled with desperation on both sides made it a different kind of game altogether.

It was a game more won with heart and guts (or maybe flippers) than grace and skill, which ushered out one of the co-hosts with a 2-1 defeat.

The first Swiss goal — Eren Derdiyok’s low crossing pass to Hakin Yakan — stopped in a puddle before settling at his foot, like something out of a blooper reel. Maybe the sloppy conditions and the Keystone Cops play that ensued was the only thing to make this game tolerable. ESPN should have cut the commentators mics and cued up the ‘Benny Hill’ music.

Turkey’s equalizer was well-worked with a nice cross from left by Nihat, but the head-in by Semih Senturk would likely have been saved by most keepers in this tournament.

Wednesday we saw both spectrums of how the beautiful game can be played, a technical top-class duel and a knock-down, drag out mud fight. To quote numerous characters from the best series television has ever produced, “The game is the game.”

Wednesday’s stars: Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal. Goal. Assist. Wink.

Volkan Demirel, Turkey. The Trekkie favorite was immense in goal for the Turks, with a couple late saves and punches in insanely sloppy conditions that kept Turkish hopes alive and allowed Turan to score his late-winner.

Lookalikes: Via a reader. … Swiss coach Kobi Kuhn and ol’ Gil from ‘The Simpsons.’

The new jam: Somehow the White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’ has become the new favored tune for supporters to sing across Europe. It’s even popped up this season at MLS matches. Still, nothing tops the Kop at Anfield singing it to the tune of ‘Jav-ier Masch-eran-o.’

Rico….suave: It’s coming. Wait for it. If Portugal keeper Ricardo makes it July without committing a gaffe, it would be a surprise. He might have done well in PKs vs. England two years ago, but yikes. Midway through the second-half he decided to do a drag-over of the ball on his own touchline right in front of Sionko. Let’s not even talk about his movement off the goal line.

Look, we gotta clear this up before we leave the house: How did Swiss and Turk fans both show up wearing red to the game Wednesday? A tad confusing, no? Underrated subplot from this game, the cross from the Swiss flag vs. the Islamic crescent of Turkey.

Gwah?: What were four guys dressed in Celtic jerseys doing in the midst of Turkish fans in Basel? Well done mates. … Perhaps a double ‘Gwah’ is for the most unnecessary chest hair of the tournament when Turkish coach Fatih Terim decide, what the hey, lets skip a top button, or five. … Why does Big Phil Scolari announced he accepted the Chelsea coaching job only hours after leading Portugal over the Czechs? Not good for karma. That gets a ‘Gwah’ as well.

Poor Mooch: Can’t his friends give him a teeny little piece of P’Zone?

Thursday’s games (Group B):

Croatia v. Germany, Worthersee Stadium, Klagenfurt, Austria (11:50 a.m., ESPN2): Croatia will need to show a little more zest than it did against Austria three days ago, even so they might not have enough to slow down the focused Germans.
Player to watch: Torsten Frings, Germany. With the Croats likely to field three attack-minded midfielders (Kranjcar, Modric and Srna) the German No. 8 shirt will need all his energy to disrupt their play and shield his defense.
Score guess: Croatia 1, Germany 2

Austria v. Poland, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna, Austria (2:45 p.m., ESPN2): Nothing personal, but this might be the most unappealing game left in the tournament. Neither team is likely going to advance, but they still want to have at least a win to show for themselves. This is their chance to do it. Depending on the outcome, toward the end, things could get pretty 1980s NHL-style chippy between Austria’s Emanuel Pogatetz (arguably the worst/least skilled player at the tournament) and an unlucky Polish defender.
Player to watch: Ummm…how about Sebastian Prodl of Austria? He’s pretty tall and might score if he gets his head on the ball at a set piece.
Score guess: Austria 1, Poland 1

It might come off as strange on a day that David Villa nets the first -– and probably last -– hat trick of Euro 2008 to begin talking about his strike partner Fernando Torres (or as I just arbitrarily call him, “Fro”).

Torres was at the heart of the first Spanish goal in their 4-1 thumping of Russia in the Group D opener in rainy Innsbruck, Austria. His layoff, after a nice, deep movement, did all the hard work; Villa simply had to steer it into the net.

When Villa’s strike found the netting, he went immediately toward Torres and hugged him like it was going out of style. Not to get too graphic, but they were writhing around on the wet turf, locked in each other’s embrace like a newborn South American monkey clinging to its mother in the tree canopy.

That’s the power of Torres, aka El Niño.

In one season at Liverpool, he made the entire red-half of Merseyside and millions worldwide Gay For Torres. All other sporting man-crushes pale in comparison. Maybe it’s the headband, the blonde locks, the freckles. (Wait, this is starting to get weird.)

Whatever your feelings tell you, there’s no denying that Torres could be on the cusp of becoming one of the world’s all-time best forwards. Roughly a decade ago the world expected big things from Dutch striker Patrick Kluivert, but it never came together for the well-traveled player, who, until Villa, was the last to bag a hat trick at a Euro competition back in 2000. (Kluivert did his trick in the first half of a 6-1 quarterfinal win over Yugoslavia in Rotterdam.)

Though you could say he announced himself to the world at the last World Cup, Torres has the chance here to pull the Spain team up by their flowing locks and win the country its first major tournament since 1960. So yeah, Villa bagged a hat trick Tuesday, but if Spain’s going to win this thing, it’s Torres who will be the matador plunging lances into the opposition.

Tuesday’s heroes: David Villa, Spain. Three goals for the ‘Robert Smith’ full-name-on-jersey Hall of Famer. The third goal in particular was a great individual move, faking the Russian keeper out of his jock. Safe to say his inevitable transfer to an English team (Chelsea, cough cough) went up a few million Euros.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Sweden. The giant Swede broke his massive goal drought dating back to October 2005 with a stunning thunderbolt off his right boot that came out of nowhere and bristled off the hand of the Greek keeper. Prior to the goal his only impact on the game was absorbing a kick to the junk from Greek midfielder Giorgos Karagounis.

A scary thought: It’s a necessary evil for ESPN to cross-promote the NBA Finals during the Euro telecasts, but is it necessary for Tommy Smyth to offer his two cents on “Celtic”? It’s not a big deal, but hopefully Norby or Skipper aren’t planning a Smyth for A. Smith swap.

Coaching genius: Spain coach Luis Aragones is a lot of things. Old. Possibly a racist. Paunchy. The 69-year-old has been in charge of Spain since 2004 and hasn’t done all that much in that time. Tuesday he committed to a 4-4-2 formation, which meant Arsenal hero Cesc Fabregas found himself on the bench, with Marcos Senna and Xavi favored in the central midfield. Spain got two first half goals and then subbed off Torres for Cesc -– who scored the final goal in extra time. See, everybody wins.

Not to rub it in: How’s it feel today, England? It was bad enough that Croatia needed a penalty kick to stop Austria –- the worst team in the field. Today Russia was run off the field by Spain, the final five minutes aside. These two teams edged ahead of England in qualification. Is it beating a dead horse to suggest Steve McClaren should be exiled to the most remote Orkney Island?

A modest proposal: This goes out to Vlad Putin and the rest of the Kremlin politburo. Why not opt for all Russian national sports team to revert back to the “CCCP” Red Army stuff? It would be a definite psychological edge. (Sorry. Not a lot to say about the Russkies; their names are too difficult to type anyways.)

At least they’re fair: During the Spain/Russia game, there was an on-screen graphic noting Spain’s notable wins during its streak. It included the likes of England, Greece and Sweden. Somehow the 1-0 win over the U.S. National Team in Santander last week didn’t quite ring out in Espana.

If it ain’t broke?: Greek coach Otto Rehhagel set his team up for failure Tuesday. Yes, the Greeks shockingly won the 2004 competition on the basis of air-tight defense. Against Sweden they went with a sort of 5-4-1 formation, which stifled the Swedes until a moment of individual brilliance by Ibrahimovic and later one of the sloppiest goals you’ve even see bungled in by defender Petter Hansson. (Sweden coach Lars Lagerback wasn’t much better as he looked befuddled by Greek’s defensive formation until his foil Zlatan bailed him out.)

Take away the goals ,and if it ended 0-0, Greek would have been in a touch of trouble. Before the game, most would say the winner of this game would advance out of Group D. Playing for a draw, or simply hoping for a fluke 1-0 win, put the Greeks on a tightrope. It basically left them needing to beat Russia and hope for a draw against Spain, or pray the Swedes flounder.

Ugh. The Greeks made me whistle at their back-passing from the comfort of my couch.

Four years ago Rehhagel was like a guy continually rolling sevens. Tuesday he crapped out right away.

So this explains it: It took a little time to figure out why the Euro highlights were interspliced with Rolling Stones concert shots on ESPN. (Keith Richards, another HD fright.) Greek keeper Antonios Nikopolidis was the Stones’ original drummer.

Where’s your head at?: Best line from the ESPN studio today? From Julie Foudy who said Ronaldo can, “Score from anywhere, with any part of his body.” (Form your own jokes; even she laughed, catching herself as soon as the entendre slipped.)

Today’s Games (Group A)

Czech Republic v. Portugal, Stade de Geneva, Geneva, Switzerland (11:50 a.m., ESPN2): Both teams have three points in the bank, but this is a massive game because if the winner (if there is one) likely avoids Germany until at least the semifinals. The Czechs have won four straight in this series. Expect Portugal to carry the bulk of play, with the Czech’s trying to spring a counter-attack. The Czechs would be wise to try to play for a win, since playing Turkey in the final group game could be tricky. Look for Ronaldo to make his first impact, possibly from (many) deadball oppurtunities.
Guy to watch: David Rozenthal, Czech defender. The Czech back four — Jankulovski, Ujfalusi, Grygera and Rozenthal — were stout vs. the toothless Swiss Saturday. They’ll be under massive pressure from the Portuguese and Rozenthal might be the weakest link and could even give up a penalty, though if there’s a game Portugal’s lack of a center forward comes to haunt them, it’s this.
Score guess: Czech Republic 0, Portugal 1

Switzerland v. Turkey, St. Jakob Park, Basel, Switzerland (2:30 p.m., ESPN2): Normally a pairing of these two countries doesn’t conger images of war. Today, at least, it should. Flashback to the second-leg of the 2006 World Cup qualification playoff, when the teams rumbled in the tunnel in Istanbul after a wild game that saw Tuncay Sanli bag a hattrick and a combined nine yellow cards. The brawl left Turkey with a closed-door ban for a couple matches. Look for the Turkish fans to flood over from Germany (aka New Turkey) to drown out the passive Swiss partisans. Oh right, both teams probably need all three points to even dream of advancing. (Note: Turk captain Emre is out with an injury.)
Guy to watch: Tranquillo Barnetta, Switzerland. Maybe the one top-class player on the Swiss side has a chance to assert himself her and keep Switzerland’s hopes alive. The Bayer Leverkausen wide man has nice pace and decent shot. Against the Turks he better have an eye for goal, or the home nation could go goalless at the Euro.
Score guess: Switzerland 1, Turkey 1

For me, scratch that last one.

Over the first three days of Euro 2008 I was couch-less, for reasons best not shared. (Look, we don’t know each other that well yet.)

You really tend to forget how important the role your couch plays whilst watching sports. It’s always there for you. It never complains. It might not get All-Star votes, but it’s definitely one of those intangible “glue guys” that ties everything together.

Finally, when Italy and Holland kicked off around 3 p.m. I had a couch. As I write this, I’m working on my new “ass groove.”

Life is good.

It’s not exactly so great for France coach Raymond Domenech. Already an eccentric and loathed by the international press, the would-be thespian prickly relationship ought to only get further strained after his bizarre lineup selection that played a role in a snore inducing 0-0 draw with Romania Monday afternoon in Zurich that with only further the ‘soccer = boring’ argument for Americans.

Remember, Domenech has said that he’s chosen players based on their astrological sign. This nugget gets recycled a lot, but it seems fairly far-fetched. It’s more likely a way to deal with the press without actually answering the question. Maybe Bill Belichick ought to try it.

Then again, the way the French played today it looked like they were auditioning for roles in a play. Not a lot of killer spirit.

Though the French didn’t lose, getting only one point against Romania -– the perceived weak sister of the ‘Group of Death’ -– won’t sit too well with Les Blues. Specifically, playing two holding midfielders in Claude Makalele and Jeremy Toulalan against a weaker team then dropping 20-year-old phenom Karim Benzema into a deep-lying role will have Domenech skewered, not that he probably minds what the ink strained wretches think.

France, a tournament favorite, did play without two of its all-time greats, Thierry Henry and Patrick Viera. Still, these guys aren’t spring chickens and were components in the country’s World Cup win, which was 10 years ago.

Again, it’s hard to pity the French, especially at soccer. Though, during the game I began to wonder why it’s so patently American to bash the French. Yeah, they’re snooty to our socks & sandals tourists. And of course, they never can quite live down their Vichy France days.

Yet, we Americans tend to forget that contributions of General Lafayette in the Revoluntionary War against the British. What about the Statue of Liberty? That came from France.

In recent times the French have yielded Daft Punk, model Laetitia Casta and that episode of ‘The Sopranos’ where Carmella thought she saw a dead Adriana in Paris.

Meh.

Those aren’t enough to make up for Monday’s listless effort against the game Romanians, but Domenech will probably be envied by Italian coach Roberto Donadoni who is going to be raked over the coals from Milan to Sicily after his team’s stunning 3-0 defeat at the hands of the Dutch. The big talking point will be a toothless Azzuri lineup that only featured one player under 30 and plenty of out-of-form AC Milan players.

Honestly, did Italy play with any shape today? Did Donadoni even show film? He got thoroughly bested by Marco van Basten, and that’s pretty hard to accomplish.

This is as stunning a loss as France dropping the 2002 World Cup opener to Senegal 1-0, after winning the previous World Cup and Euro. Italy now has a Mike Francesa caliber yuge hole to dig itself out from if it hope to complete such a double after a blinding performance by the Dutch.

There are two ways to look at this, the stunning loss by Italy or the great display by the Netherlands. Let’s just say Monday, Euro 2008 finally arrived as the ‘Brilliant Oranje’ put together a display in Berne that will remembered from Eindhoven to Gronigen for years to come.

Look at the postgame quotes. Van Basten couldn’t find one poor performance from his XI, while Italian keeper Gianluigi Buffon was left to apologize to the nation for his team’s showing. Frankly, when that happens, you know it’s a true stinker since athletes always deflect blame.

In short, Italy got chumpatized.

Typically the Dutch are everyone’s second-favorite team in these tournaments due to their attractive play. Against type they entered this tournament with a huge cloud of uncertainty and people like me didn’t pay them much never mind. The absolutely pure joy the players felt as they celebrated with the fans, showed how much the players wanted to win this one for themselves and for the nation.

A couple years ago I read a book called “Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Football” by British writer David Winner. The book details how around 1960 the Dutch came from nowhere and began to produce players the likes of which the world had never seen before, namely Johann Cruyff. There’s a lot of weird stuff in there about artists painting around lines and stuff that made my eyes glaze over. Yet it dealt with a lot of the Dutch insecurities about a lot of things in life, basically down to how their country could be flooded at any moment by Mother Nature or its neighboring countries, namely Germany – which as West Germany bested the Dutch masters in the 1974 World Cup final.

The basic theme of the book, I suppose, is that the nation produced beautiful, attractive teams, but something in their inner psyche held them back until Marco Van Basten led the Oranje to the Euro 1988 triumph. Of course since that day, the Dutch have always been a threat to win a tournament, but haven’t gotten past the semifinals.

And on the eve of this tournament most lamented the death of Cruyff’s ‘Total Football’ and how the team could barely win ugly against teams like Albania.

Perhaps a stunner like today is the jolt in the national psyche that will finally propel the Dutch back to the top. This was a class showing from soup to nuts. You can never discount negativity as a reverse motivating factor in sports. All month the Dutch heard how they were crap and not expected to do anything, meanwhile the Italians were lavished as title contenders.

The Dutch in one fell swoop -– well two beautiful counter-attacking brushstrokes –- let out all the frustration to the elation of the lowlands. They were, on this day in Bern, brilliant once more.

All you need to know is that after the first matchday, Group C is flipped on its head. Friday’s second round of matches are now 100 percent must-watch with co-favorites Italy and France fighting for their lives.

Monday’s heroes: Mirel Radoi, Romania. The entire Romanian team did a good job befuddling the French attack. Radoi was right in the middle of most of it, plus he completed 87 percent of his passes. You could say Romania played the ‘cynical’ game, what with no putting a shot on French keeper Gregory Coupet. Instead, they deserve some praise for a resolute, tactical game that got them off on the right foot. The Romania defense featuring guys like Gabriel Tamas and Christian Chivu knows how to smartly take a punch.

Gio van Bronckhorst/Dirk Kuty, the Netherlands. The tireless running of these two on the counter attack resulted in two goals and got the Dutch dreaming of the magic of ‘Total Football’ again as both attacks were triggered from saves at the other end of the field.

Goal of the tournament (so far): The Dutch’s second goal vs. Italy Monday was something even the now-grim Johan Cruyff would applaud. It came via a lickedy-split counter attack on about four touches. Rafael van dar Vaart sailed a long pass to van Bronckhorst, who’d cleared the ball off his goalline, he then crossed from left midfield to Dirk Kuyt racing up the right sideline. The Liverpool-man nodded it down and Wesley Sneijder jumped into the air and channeled his inner Daniel Larusso and thumped it past Italian keeper Gianluigi Buffon.

Brilliant movement for the Brilliant Oranje Monday. Sneijder must have been inspired by that excellent Nike first-person ad directed by Guy Ritchie, which has been toned down for America.

The case against HD: Rasheed Wallace’s mystery spot has company, in the form of France’s Franck Ribery. To his credit, after a brutal car wreck, he declined plastic surgery which would have concealed his facial scars, but yikes. Take me back to 480i when he’s playing.

Oh, those wacky Dutch: Native American feathered headdresses. (See photo up top.) Orange lion tails and horns. Oversized milk maid pigtails. Cowboy hats. Essentially anything goes for being a Dutch international traveling fan as long as you wear your ‘Oranje.’ They’re like Oakland Raider fans, only slightly less into slasher movies.

The best thing about the Dutch is they are so good-natured -– and that’s not just because a certain botanical item is legal in Amsterdam.

At the 2006 World Cup I was camping outside Frankfurt, just as it was beginning to get swarmed by the Dutch ahead of their match against Argentina. The Dutch wear prepared. This middle aged guy had what had to be a custom-made hammer (for driving tent stakes) with a bottle opener on the other end.

All this makes me feel all sorts of rotten insider for giving the Dutch minimal chance ahead of the tournament.

Hup Holland, Hup!

Group of Death: Can we jointly start a search for a term to replace “Group of Death?” It’s a tad morbid, eh? Moreso, it’s tired and played out. It’s lifespan is kaput. Suggestions are welcome.

The odd couple, Italian style: Could there be two more different players than Marco Materazzi and Andrea Pirlo? One is covered in tattoos, was famously the butt of Zidane’s head in the last World Cup final and plays as closely as a prison inmate as you can. The other almost certainly carries a European man purse and is described in words like ‘graceful’.

Justice, Italian style: There is no doubt in the world that Ruud van Nistelrooy was a good three yards offside on the first Netherlands goal vs. Italy. You know what? After the 2006 World Cup there’s no sympathy for the Italians. Hell, he might not have made much of an impact internationally, but AC Milan striker Pippo Inzaghi made his name living on the offside line. (There was an Italian off the pitch at the time, which might have technically kept van Nistelrooy onside. Either way, it’s time the Italians didn’t catch a break.)

Underrated: One thing that deserves to be noted was the strong, workman performances from Dutch central midfielder Orlando Engelaar, who plays for TC Twente. Pretty sure Donadoni didn’t have him targeted in the gameplan. He was tall, which was an asset and technical enough not to make many mistakes. A recently promoted (English) Premier League team would do well to make him an offer before it’s too late.

Today’s games (Group D):

Spain v. Russia, Tivoli Neu Stadium, Innsbruck, Austria (11:50 a.m., ESPN2): This game is either going to be very close to the vest and cagey or a total Spanish rout. Croatia appeared a little overrated due to beating out England in qualifying, that could count double for the Ruskies. The only thing that might hold Spain back in this match is the massive pressure heaped upon them, otherwise it’s Red (Jersey) Dawn.
Player to watch: Fernando Torres, Spain. Sunday, Germany’s Lucas Podolski made his mark with two goals. The tournament is still waiting for someone to step up and claim it as his own. Torres has as much a chance as anyone and could poach a couple against an out-of-it-depth Russian defense. He’d be best advised against watching any Pau Gasol mix-tapes ahead of this match.
Score guess: Spain 3, Russia 0

Greece v. Sweden, Wals Siezenheim Stadium, Salzburg, Austria (2:45 p.m, ESPN2): No one expected Greece to win four years ago. No one even knows they qualified this time around. If it’s possible, Greece could once again surprise and might even play a more attractive game this time around. Sweden for the last decade has managed to qualify for the last five major internationals, but are one of those teams that seem to take up space. Somehow the Swedes get the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but this team is ready to underachieve.
Player to watch: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Sweden. The Inter Milan striker gets a lot of juice from the Nike PR reps, but seems to shrink on the big stage. He did score a ridicously cheeky goal against Italy at Euro 2004, but since then hasn’t done much since. He didn’t score at the 2006 World Cup nor the Euro qualifying campaign and had a falling out with coach Lars Lagerback and sat out a few matches. The big Bosniak could be the world’s best, if he ever stops believing his own hype.
Score guess: Greece 1, Sweden 0

There’s truly nothing like the experience of 70,000 sweaty people heading for the exit of Giants Stadium as a lightning storm and sudden downpour all start happening at once. That’s what happened in the closing minutes of the United States 0-0 draw with FIFA’s No. 1 ranked team Argentina Sunday night.

Racing toward the tunnel in the construction-ravaged Meadowlands complex — yes, they are building an indoor ski run in Dirty Jersey — that lead to my parked car, I encountered a sole man amongst the madness wearing a Polska jersey. Heading into the match a few hours earlier I’d see a bunch of Polish fans, but didn’t want to get a drunken beatdown by asking them about the team’s 2-0 loss to hated rival Germany. This time I figured enough time had passed and offered a little consolation with a shrug and half-smile.

“We had 12 shots. They had four. What can you do?” the guy said.

He’s right on a lot of fronts. Soccer, especially at the international level is a cruel game. There is no room for mistakes. Factor in that major tournaments only occur every four years and if you screw up, no one in your country is going to forget. (Kasey Keller, Oguchi Onyewu, I’m looking in your direction.)

Poland, Austria and the Swiss all found this out the hard way this weekend.

Perhaps the Poles shouldn’t have tempted fate when a Polish tabloid printed the photoshopped dandy of coach Leo Beennhakker with the severed heads of German captain Michael Ballack and coach Joachim Loew.

Funny? Yes.

Smart? No.

Hasn’t history taught us enough not to rile up the Germans? What’s truly scary is that the Germans — the pre-Euro favorites — probably impressed the most of the eight teams this weekend with an efficient performance against the underdog Poles. The Germans are maybe the only team you expect will find a way to score every match. With their half of the draw decidedly weaker than Groups C and D, the Germans only threat for a date on the June 29 final is Portugal.

The opening weekend yielded two trends worth noting. None of the four games ended in a draw and the favorites won them all. Things should change starting today, but for the first two days, form held.

Eating my words?: For all the talk of why to watch the Euro, if you tuned in for the opening game and more specifically the opening ceremonies you probably saw something which you can never un-watch. My goodness, where does one get their start in stadium ceremony design? Where do you find yourself thinking, I want 200 people prancing around under giant cubes?

It was truly awful. A nightmare of Tetris crossed with Missy Elliot videos and their baggy outfits with a mix of ceramic alpine skiers and cows dashed in. Trust me, it was worse than it sounded. (Apparently ‘Hooray for Everything’ was booked.)

The game wasn’t much better.

Saturday’s heroes: Czech defensive midfielder Tomas Galasek and Portugal defender Pepe. Galasek gets many points for his gravity-defying, audacious header from near the halfway line that sprung the only goal in the Czech menace’s victory over the Swiss. Pepe, gets dap for a couple actions. First, despite being Brasilian by birth, he sang along to the Portuguese national anthem. Second, he came forward from a defensive spot and scored the first goal for Portugal on a one-two pass. Solid day.

Sunday’s hero: Lucas Podolski, German attacker. “Poldi” didn’t play a ton for club team Bayern Munich this season, with just 10 goals in 40 appearances. Consider him the anti-Rooney, as in, he’s okay for club and amazing for country. He added to his amazing haul in a German shirt, netting twice for der Manschifft Sunday against Poland. That brings his account to 27 in 49 international games.

Oh right, he’s also the son of Polish parents.

Pass the Leroux Blackberry brandy.

Pass the haggis, too: As you once said yourself in pre-recorded dialogue for a “FIFA” game, “Take a bow, son.” Andy Gray you’ve already elevated yourself to the status of best ESPN soccer analyst … ever. Granted, you weren’t exactly matched up against the 1927 Yankees of commentators, but still, quality stuff on the first weekend for the former Everton hero.

You’ve forever indebted to me for putting Tommy Smyth in his place debating German strikers. Using the ESPN ‘Axis’ to show how the Croats cheated about 10 yards forever to set the play that resulted in a penalty, brilliant.

Zero sum soccer: Let’s be honest. If Switzerland didn’t host the tournament, there’s little chance the Swiss qualify for the Euro. Other than the fans with five o’clock shadows ripping cigs and dressed as the traditional “Swiss Miss,” there’s no compelling reason to keep the home of untraceable international financing in the tournament. (What happened Hollywood, why did the Cayman Islands replace the Swiss for shady banking dealings?) Think of the Swiss as the San Diego Padres of the tournament. They want to use their homefield advantage and do as little as possible to score and still try to win. With all-time leading scorer Alexander Frei out of the tournament, maybe they can come up with a work exchange and lease Adrian Gonzalez to play center forward for a couple weeks.

A path to madness: Call me crazy, but Saturday night I found myself pondering what exactly the players from the Czech Republic found themselves doing after the 1-0 victory over the Swiss? It’s hard to imagine they went out boozing, what with a bunch of games left to play. Still, it’s beyond my comprehension they went back to the hotel and grabbed a bucket of KFC and poped in the DVD of “Rush Hour 3.”

It’s a safe bet crafty silverfox coach Karel Bruckner sat back with a gass of vino and played some cards. The rest of the team? Video chat with their adult film star girlfriends? A trip to the tattoo parlor? Headband shopping?

Starting to figure it out?: Kudos to ESPN for decreasing the massively intrusive and massively annoying scoreboard it has deployed in previous soccer matches. Gone is the horizontal bar that takes up the entire top sixth of your picture. Replaced is a small bar listing team and score … as it should be. My guess is this is due to UEFA restrictions on to what can be on the screen beside the game, otherwise unscrupulous telecom provides could Spam the set with gambling ads and the like.

The fact that commentators are working from a broom closet in Bristol is a minor quibble – except when the audio from the stadium cuts out. It would be nice if Derek Rae ever finished his thoughts. Saturday he mentioned Swiss striker Marco Streller was booed by the home crowd in a recent game, but never explained why.

Sunday, he mentioned Croatia coach Slaven Bilic is a part-time metal musician. We need to know the name of the band, which probably explains the out-of-place earring. (For the record thanks to the Inter-nets, the band is called Rawbau and they wrote the official Croat anthem for the tournament — Vatreno Ludilo (Flaming Madness). Klaus Meine and the rest of Scorpions don’t need to watch their backs.)

Too bad the “B” team of Gray and Adrian Healey can’t supplant the established Rae and Smyth. It’s possible they’ll set a new record for jokes told during a sportscast.

8-bit wonders: I know for a fact I’m not the only one who thought the Puma-made jerseys worn by Austria and Switzerland had the numbers printed on the back that looked like something from an NES game, or maybe even ‘Mario Paint.’

Another drinking game: In Europe, the forearm tattoo is the NBA equivalent of a neck tat. Every time you see a guy with ink on the forearm, take a drink. Double it when it goes across the entire bicep like the Czech’s Zdenek Grygera.

Yet another reason not to smuggle hash: Oliver Stone might have been right with ‘Midnight Express’ — don’t try to smuggle hash out of Turkey. You might end up with a guy like Turk defender Servet Cetin as a cellmate. He’s only called “Ayibogan,” which translate into ‘man who could choke a bear.’ To his credit he did give Ronaldo a burly shove within 30 seconds of the match.

Good start: Though their shins were likely sore, Portgual did enough to get a 2-0 result over Turkey and start their campaign on the right track. Big Phil has plenty of horses to work with, which is a scary thought. Neat and tidy.

Poor Austria: Within two minutes the co-hosts were given a dubious penalty decision against Croatia. The Austrian fans already showed they were much more krieg than their Swiss counterparts, but had their party ruined before it even started.

Austria wasn’t that bad, except for Emmanuel Pogatetz butchery. Austria played with passion, the skill was simply lacking. The home fans who wanted to petition UEFA to boot them from the tournament hopefully had a change of heart.

Croatia, meanwhile, got the gift penalty decision and didn’t do much of anything but still got the three points. That’s how it goes sometimes. At least their uniforms looked nice.

Today’s games:

Romania v. France, Pro Letzigrund, Geneva (11:45-ish ESPN 2) —‘We all went down to Montreaux, by the Lake Geneva shoreline. Sorry, there’s a 99.9 percent this match will not cause any smoke on the water. Fire in the sky? That’s another story.

This match is a true curio. Is Romania to be taken seriously? Does France have the guts to get all three-points here? It could be a match where Romania lays it on the line for 85 minutes and then loses it on a moment of individual brilliance from a French player.

Player to watch: Lilliam Thuram, France – Does the 36-year-old defender have anything left to guard the Romanian attack spearheaded by Adrian Mutu? Thuram is well-liked and well-respected in the game, but is he so much so that nobody wanted to tell him to pass the torch a long time ago?
Score guess: Romania 1, France 1

Netherlands v. Italy, Wankdorf Stadium, Berne (2:30, ESPN2) — Must not make a wanker joke. Must not make a wanker joke.

Sooooooo, this is another as the Brits say, ‘cracker’ of a match. Unlike every unlike tournament of the last 30 years, the Dutch enter with little — if any — expectations. Meanwhile, Italy is the holder of the World Cup and returns a lot of the same faces from that squad. The question here, will one of the teams play not to lose, or with it be a cagey draw?

Player to watch: Rafael van der Vaart, Netherlands. This is a guy that’s talked up to be a huge player, so this is really put up or shut up time against the rugged Italian defense of Gino Gattuso and Daniele De Rossi. Either way, the cameras better find his wife Sylvie in the crowd.
Score guess: Netherlands 0, Italy 1

Good grief! What is an American sports fan to do these days?

The NBA finals could be decided by a bearded Spaniard and a tatted-up Frenchman.

The NHL has more unpronounceable last names than a Russian nuclear warhead disposal manual.

Baseball is getting taken over by the East and the Caribbean.

And let’s not even get started on the Olympics and our lack of medals in dressage and badminton.

At least Big Brown probably counts as an American (USA! USA!).

So let that be my preamble to why, as an American, you shouldn’t loathe yourself if you find yourself watching or at the very least intrigued by this month’s European soccer champions from Austria/Switzerland, hereafter Euro 2008. If you can allow yourself to watch the French Open (or the highlights) you can watch a little bit of the beautiful game. For what it lacks in sassy miniskirts, it certainly trumps in hair product and man-crying.

With the advent of satellite television, the Internets, etc., there’s no excuse for us Americans to continue to keep our heads buried in the sand on International sporting events. (Ok, you get a pass on the Afghani buzkashi classic.) The days of watching soccer and turning into a commie-pinko are long gone. This is an important sporting event, that, if we’re lucky, should be fun to watch.

In short, the Euro, ladies and gentleman, is the international sporting event to wrap up in this summer, compared to the festivities in Beijing come August. Less smog, less soft-focus NBC features and, most likely, less human rights violations — though Italian defender Marco Materazzi might have his say on that.

All the games are on, gasp, the Worldwide Leader in Sports. Unlike last time the four-letter word held the rights to a major soccer tournament (2006 World Cup), it seems the bosses in Bristol are treating this one seriously. Apparently they finally realized if they can let guys with British accents analyze golf and tennis, they can do it for what derisively known in some quarters as “Yankee Kickball.” And hey, if they continue to do a crap job, we can mock them behind their backs.

Now that’s the big picture.

At this point you’re probably still telling yourself, ‘Who is this guy?’ and ‘Soccer sucks.’

I’ve taken this much of your time, so let me introduce myself. I’m just a guy that for whatever the reason has allowed the soccer-bug to take over my life. I’ll never claim to be a “expert.” When I make a mistake, I admit it.

All I’m trying to do is offer an opinion on the games from an American perspective and hopefully make the tournament more enjoyable to those just discovering the game or even the so-called ‘soccer snobs.’ Admittedly, David Hirshey left a huge yarmulke for me to fill here at Deadspin — and I’m not even Jewish, though the do-it-yourself home circumcision kit is in the mail.

Again, if you’re not my father and made it this far reading, you’re likely still asking, “Why the hell should I watch a bunch of European Miss Nancies flopping all over the field in a game that could end in a tie!”

Since everyone loves lists, here’s a couple:

1. Cristiano Ronaldo. Forget that the Portuguese star wears my hair gel than the entire cast of ‘American Idol.’ Forget the fact that if you saw him in a bar, it would take every once of restraint to fight from socking him right in the chops.

Just know that despite his massive hype, he is almost guaranteed to pull off a move at the Euro that will make you shake your head in amazement and fist in anger — at the same time.

2. Poland striker Ebi Smolarek is nicknamed the ‘Hash Bomber’ after he failed a drug test while playing in Amsterdam. He claimed it was because he ate a ‘space cake.’ Hey, Josh Howard, don’t get any ideas.

3. Open play. If you’re only memory of major international soccer is the 2006 World Cup, throw it out. That tournament was pocked by cynical play, millions of tackles and few goals. Though the pressure will be almost as great at the Euro, coaches are probably more willing to let their stars free and play an attractive game — if only in the group stages.

Euro 2004 in Portugal was thrilling, well, except when eventual champions Greece played. If the action in Austria/Switzerland is half that, it should be pretty good. For what it’s worth, a 0-0 tie can still be fairly tense and exciting.

4. There will be blood. Despite what ESPN might lead you to believe in the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, it’s not that crazy. Trust me. I live in Connecticut. Yeah, “Derek Jeter Sucks” t-shirts are really threatening. Meanwhile, it’s hard to find a game where an entire nation will be on edge when Poland plays Germany on Sunday. I think these two neighbors might have some history. Might. World War II or something? Not quite sure since Tom Hanks wasn’t there. (Don’t get fooled. With smaller stadiums and tickets at a premium, hooliganism will be a smaller, side issue.)

5. No England. Too many people that follow soccer in America are obsessed with all things England. Wonderful. It’s nice that the Three Lions missed out on qualifying on the last day, when they lost to Croatia. For one, it saves us the inevitable England loss in penalty kicks in the knockout rounds. And more importantly, it cuts down the ESPN David Beckham mentions from 4,801 to a more manageable 3,298. This means the cameras are free to pan over him at Lakers games in the NBA Finals.

6. Don’t worry about nationality. If you don’t have an ethnic rooting interest in the Euro, channel your inner Brasilian and sell your passion for the highest bidder. Turkey, Portugal, Spain and, yes, even Poland, all have naturalized Brasilians in their ranks.

A team worth getting behind: Romania, which still has villages much like the one Borat fictitiously came to American from. It would be a fantastic story if the Romanians emerged from the so-called, “Group of Death” featuring powers Italy, France and the Netherlands. Need another reason? Star striker Adrian Mutu once tested positive for coke, thus banning him from all EA Sports soccer games, turning his name in “Murgu.”

7. Ricola. You gotta love the Alps as hosting backdrop, if only for their giant antique fugal horns and inspiring the classic ‘Price is Right’ game ‘Cliff Hanger’.

8. All the games are in HD, meaning Poland coach Leo Beenhakker’s nicotine ravaged face will looked all the more craggly and withered.

9. France coach Raymond Domenech is on record for picking his starting XI via astrological charts, thus giving us another reason to mock the French. (Sadly, no mimes in the midfield.)

10. National pride. Despite the ease of switching nationalities, this is still a spectacle on the strength of national pride. A good percentage of all these players are already well-off, but they play for the hopes of a nation. And unlike, say, USA Basketball, it’s still a honor to put on your national team’s uniform for an event like this.

If all else fails, there should be some pretty hot chicks prancing around in next to nothing in the crowds.

Breaking down the field:

Der favorites: Germany
Serious contenders: Italy, France, Portugal, Spain
Darkhorses: Croatia, Greece, Netherlands, Czech Republic
Could surprise: Romania, Russia
Thanks for playing: Switzerland, Sweden, Poland, Turkey
Auf wiedersehen: Austria

Funny names:

Andreas Ivanschitz (Austria); Jerko Leko (Croatia); Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany); Demy de Zeeuw (Netherlands); Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink (Netherlands); Cosmin Contra (Romania); Răzvan Raţ (Romania) and finally, Russia’s Yuri Zhirkov (say it aloud for full effect).

Weekend Games

Saturday — Group A:

Switzerland v. Czech Republic, St. Jakob Park, Basel (ESPN Classic, 11:30 a.m.) – The tournament opener and the Swiss probably have to win to have a realistic chance to advance. The Swiss might get a homefield lift, but could also be hard pressed to score for the entire tournament. The Czechs limp into without either of its well-known midfield virtuosos – Tomas Rosicky (injuried) or Pavel Naved (retired) – and are a massive X-factor. Czech fans own the most simplistic, yet terrifying chant in all of sport, as a red-clad block of menace simply chant, “Ches-ky.”
Player to watch — Marek Matejovsky, Czech, he plays at now relegated English Premier League team Reading will probably slot into the playmaker roll for the long-toothed Czech, which feature only three players under the age of 25.
Match guess — Switzerland 0, Czech Republic 1

Portugal v. Turkey, Stade de Geneve, Geneva (ESPN Classic, 2:30 p.m.) – Portugal kicks off what it hopes is its championship campaign against the Turks. Even though this game is in Geneva there is a chance it could turn violent and ugly, especially if the Portuguese embarrass the Turks too many times with step overs.
Player to watch — Since everyone’s looking at Ronaldo, watch for new Chelsea signing Jose Bosignwa to make some noise coming up from the right back position.
Match guess — Portugal 3, Turkey 1

Sunday — Group B

Austria v. Croatia, Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna (ESPN2, 11:45 a.m.) — Everyone expects co-host Austria to roll up into a fetal position and plead for its life. This might not be the walk-over the Croats plan. Croatia gets a result, but it comes late. If Austrian coach Josef Hickerberg were a smart man, he’d plan a pregame pep talk from a certain Governor of California. (That plan might not be the greatest, because despite some uni-brows, Croatia won’t be psyched out as much as Lou Ferigno.)
Player to watch — Luka Modric, Croatia. Already signed to Premier League team Tottenham, this player could truly breakdown at this tournament.
Match guess — Austria 0, Croatia 1

Germany v. Poland, Worthersee Stadium, Klagenfurt, Austria (ESPN 2, 2:30 p.m.) — Gear up all your World War II references. This ought to be a battle.
Player to watch — Kevin Kuranyi, Germany. The Schalke 04 player probably has an chip on his shoulder after being left out of the squad for the 2006 World Cup.
Match guess — Germany 2, Poland 1

On record predictions:

Normally, I loathe predictions, but here are mine. Feel free to mock me when the Turks win the whole thing.

Group winners: Portugal, Germany, France, Spain
Group runner-ups: Czech Republic, Croatia, Italy, Greece

Quarterfinals: Portugal over Croatia; Germany over Czechs; France over Greece; Spain over Italy

Semifinals: Germany over Portugal; Spain over France

Finals: Germany over Spain

Golden boot: David Villa (Spain)

That should do it for one day. Let’s keep it clean and come out soccer-ing.