"Merry Christmas, Nikolai Valuev. The judges in Switzerland have a gift for you. Valuev retained his WBA title on scores of 116-112, 115-114, and 114-114, giving him a majority decision win over 46-year old Evander Holyfield in an atrocious fight that joins the running for Worst Fight of 2008." [Bad Left Hook]

The former champion's latest payday comes against the seven foot Russian Nikolai Valuev just minutes from now in in Zurich, Switzerland on pay-per-view. Needless to say, if you did order this fight then you are basically contributing to the fund to mentally cripple one of the best athletes of his generation. Fortunately for Holyfield's head, and all of us who would prefer to not see him develop into a punch-drunk shell of his former self, Valuev isn't the ferocious puncher you might see at first glance. In fact, Valuev hasn't registered a knockout in two years, an 11th round stoppage of Monte Barrett.

For Holyfield to have any success against the heavily favored giant he'll have to stick and move like in the old days when he was stepping up from the cruiserweight division. Whether his middle age body still has the stamina to pull off such a strategy is highly doubtful, and he'll probably wind up trying to out-slug a man who outweighs him by 95 pounds. If he can pull off the upset as a 4/1 underdog Holyfield will become champion for the fifth time.

Pray for Evander. You know he'd pray for you.

Bad Left Hook has the tale of the tape as well as their fantastic round-by-round coverage.

Then, at Holyfield's age, perhaps this is all more like Rocky VI.

Holyfield Will Fight Russian 'Giant' Valuev [San Francisco Examiner]

• Confusing Olympic Photo Ops. Evander Holyfield shows up in Beijing, having his picture taken at Club Bud with recently defeated Australian tennis player Casey Dellacqua and other random tennis players. And Mark Spitz can't get an invite? [Beijing Sports Smog]

• What Is This I'm Signing, Radar? While signing autographs at Cowboys camp on Tuesday, apparently Tony Romo was handed his own helmet by an equipment manager, and he signed it. Tremendous. [The 700 Level]

• Faulty Goggles/Make Me Warm All Ovvverr .... Michael Phelps is flying high with five gold medals, but Speedo is in major damage control after Phelps' goggles failed on Wednesday morning during the 200 meter butterfly. "For the next race, they might want to check that suction, especially on that pair that's made for Phelps. Speedo execs didn't immediately respond to a request for a comment on the company's interpretation of the faulty goggles." [SportsBiz With Darren Rovell]

• Olympic Tech Support . Trying to watch video of the Olympics on NBC's web site has been a frustrating experience so far. Every time I try to do it, my computer cras [Eric 2.0]

A legal notice that ran Wednesday in a small local newspaper said Holyfield’s estate will be auctioned off “at public outcry to the highest bidder for cash” at the Fayette County courthouse on July 1. The 54,000-square-foot home — located on Evander Holyfield Highway — has 109 rooms, including 17 bathrooms, three kitchens and a bowling alley. Meanwhile, Holyfield’s handlers allegedly told the mother of one of his children that he will no longer be able to make his $3,000-a-month support payment. Toi Irvin claims the boxer has already missed two payments, so she has gone to court seeking restitution.

What is it about being a great boxer that automatically makes you bad with money? Here's one problem Joe Louis never had, however: On top of all his other woes, Holyfield reportedly owes $500,000 for landscaping.

Why do mansion owners who are facing foreclosure never take my advice? One word, fellas: Roommates.

For real: Holyfield Must Deal With Being Broke [NBC Sports]
Evander Holyfield's Real Deal Grill

Naw, it couldn't happen. ... right? Well, of course not. Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield agreeing to fight against each other for a third time? Never in a million ... wait, yeah?

There's some preliminary discussion about it actually happening. And this train wreck of an idea was initially started by ... Tyson. Didn't see that one coming:

In an exclusive interview with the Guardian, Holyfield, who has been the world heavyweight champion a record four times, said that Tyson had approached him, through an intermediary, to discuss a rematch after their infamous second fight in 1997 ended in disgrace.

Holyfield And Tyson In Talks Over Rematch Of Infamous Fight [The Guardian] (via Larry Brown Sports)

See, some people think that maybe the next time Holyfield gets pummeled, not only will he no longer be able to calculate pi, he probably won't be able to write his name in the ground with a stick. And that's a problem.

Ron Scott Stevens, the chairman of the New York Athletic Commission, said it would "not be out of the realm of possibility" that the commission would meet to discuss whether to approve such a match.

"Someone who was indefinitely suspended and red-flagged (for poor performance), would probably require some discussion by the commission along with the chief medical officer and the medical advisory board," Stevens said.

Fortunately, there is always Russia. In Russia, concussions punch you!

Seriously, someone should probably do something. All that guy knows how to do is be punched in the head. (Oh, and dance.) But, you know, it might not be all that good for him.

A Holyfield Title Win Could Be Problematic [Yahoo! Sports]

Manufacturer CirTran Corp., based in Utah, approached Holyfield about promoting the $99 grill after he appeared on the TV show "Dancing With the Stars" in 2005. Holyfield dons an apron in a 30-minute commercial that began airing last week describing his product's culinary and health benefits. "I've got a George Foreman grill. It's a good grill," Holyfield, 44, told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "But don't you think the latest grill is supposed to be the best grill?"

Well, sure, and I for one am happy that our grill technology is not standing still. That's because I know that the Russians are now laboring to perfect their Nikolai Valuev Beast From The East People's Mechanized Grill. One false step could leave us lagging dangerously behind in the Grilled Meats Race. And speaking of that, Holyfield will climb gingerly back into the ring on Oct. 13 to fight Russia's Sultan Ibragimov at Moscow's Khodynka Ice Palace arena. Holyfield, still fighting. Great Googly Moogly.

Someone Just Give This Guy A Grill Endorsement Already [Deadspin]
Holyfield Vs. Foreman II: Battle Of The Grills [MSNBC]

Leave it to the Russians.

Evander Holyfield has been given the chance to become a five-time world champion at the age of 44. The American will face WBO heavyweight title holder Sultan Ibragimov in October after the Russian's scheduled opponent pulled out citing illness.

We can no longer decry the brutality of boxing to the sad souls who take part in its cruelty. We all know it, and we're just piling on. Fortunately ... human beings can take steroids. That helps.

Holyfield Lands World Title Shot [BBC News]
Steroids Taint Evander Holyfield's Career [The Fanhouse]

Back when Holyfield was Savarese's age, boxing officials in New York revoked his license to fight because it looked like he wasn't very good at it anymore. But, four fights into his comeback, he's undefeated, and last night's win will probably earn him a title shot against one of the 29 world heavyweight champions out there.

So I congratulate Evander Holyfield on not being actually killed in the ring yet ... and I'm happy for him that this fact makes him one of boxing's top heavyweights.

Holyfield Hammers Out Win Over Savarese [The Boxing Times]
Holyfield's hard lefts hammer Savarese in 10-round unanimous decision [ESPN]
Evan Field wins decision over Lou Savarese [William K. Wolfrum]

"OK, now everybody listen up. The key to being a successful Houston Texan is to ... wait ... is HGH legal in football? No? Oh, well, don't worry: Take it anyway, you'll sit out four games, no one will care, it's the NFL. Anyway, what was I saying? Dancing. Yes. Dancing is ... you gotta ..."

(passes out)

Evander Talks To Texans [AP Photo]

Meet the Champ! The winner (the highest bidder**) of this classic and pristine automobile with only 8,307 miles will be invited to meet Mr. Holyfield on his 200-acre estate property for the delivery of the vehicle. Autographed photos of Mr. Holyfield and the winner will also be taken at the time of delivery and sent to the winner.

So, how much is this car gonna cost? Oh, only ... one million dollars. Yow. The good news: You could probably take the keys and just not pay; Evander probably won't remember anyway.

1997 Bentley ContinentalT [eBay]

Bad news for Evander Holyfield. He won last night, which means his comeback is going to continue. After beating the hell out of Jeremy Bates last night, Holyfield says he wants a Top 10 fighter next.

And a Top 10 fighter would certainly a be a large departure from Jeremy Bates. I don't want to knock the guy, but he is what he is: a journeyman hired to make Holyfield look good. Holyfield, who's always been small for a heavyweight, had a significant advantage over Bates in height, reach, speed and quickness, and God was probably rooting for Holyfield, too. A TKO in the second round ended it (for a live-blog of the event, click here).

When "Holyfield V, The Final Chapter," is over, no matter how it ends, it's probably not going to turn me into a huge Holyfield fan. Perhaps this is unfair to him, but he's either going to get busted up, and I'm going to think the entire comeback was morbidly sad, or he's going to actually win a heavyweight belt, and I'm going to think the entire heavyweight division of boxing is morbidly sad.

There are 1,827 world championship belts in boxing anyway; can't we just make one up and call it the Evander Holyfield Heavyweight Championship, give that to him, and hope he goes away?

Hoyfield batters Bates in comeback bid [The Mercury News]
Live Blogging: Garcia-Sanchez, Holyfield-Bates [KO Corner]

This is all part of Holyfield's plan to win the heavyweight championship back again, ideally by the Beijing Olympics in 2008, for whatever reason. He says his next fight, if he is to win/survive this one, is against a ranked opponent.

Holyfield, if you'll remember, has been begged by many to retire for almost a decade now, thanks to a variety of ailments, and was considered a hero for overcoming them to carry the Olympic torch in 1996. This is going to end badly. Someone should probably help him, right? Like, shouldn't someone say something?

Holyfield, Now 43, Returning To The Ring [Fox Sports]

Just to be enablers, some people are actually encouraging this, while the rest of us are wondering exactly how John Salley might opine about a live death on his network. (He does have some experience in describing other people's deaths.)

Seriously, though: Someone should probably say something here, shouldn't they? Like, tap him on the shoulder, distract him with a dancing show or something?

Holyfield To Return In August [East Side Boxing]
Don't Count Holyfield Out [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]
That Sound You Hear Is Teri Hatcher's Rapid Footsteps [Deadspin]

Holyfield, who has had extreme difficulty trying to get a state boxing commission to license him to fight again, says he might leave King and try to fight in another country if King can't get him one at the appropriate price.

This is what has happened to Holyfield; he is making people side with Don King in the name of decency. It's one thing when Jerry Rice or Dennis Rodman hang on too long to their past athlete glories. But at least their jobs don't involve getting hit in the face.

Holyfield's Quest Remains On Ropes [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]