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New York, 2:51 PM
Fri Nov 27
1 posts in the last 24 hours
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Ken, however, is a whole 'nother story.
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Like that asshat Chris Hanson's Axe, for instance.
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So Super Homo Beach Blazer Wearing Volleyball.
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Leitch picked up to a very nervous Daulario. Leitch calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually flamboyantly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Daulario. Why was Leitch trying to distract Daulario? Because he had snuck out from Daulario's with the DUAN only three days prior. It was a eccentric little DUAN... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Daulario got back to the subject at hand: his DUAN. Leitch cringed. Relunctantly, Leitch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the DUAN. Daulario grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leitch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the DUAN and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Daulario took the rice rocket, he had take at least four minutes before Daulario would get there. But if he took the nibbles? Then Leitch would be alarmingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leitch was interrupted by five funny-smelling Bobbybigwheels that were lured by his DUAN. Leitch yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he thoughtfully reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and recklessly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the nibbles rolling up. It was Daulario.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Daulario was out of the nibbles and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Leitch 's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leitch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the DUAN into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Leitch was pleased but at least the DUAN was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leitch flamboyantly purred. With a deft push, Daulario opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling zealous...zealot in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leitch assured him. Daulario took a seat RIGHT next to where Leitch had hidden the DUAN. Leitch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Daulario was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Leitch noticed a annoying look on Daulario's face. Daulario slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leitch felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Daulario asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the DUAN right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Daulario's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Daulario nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leitch could react, Daulario skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The DUAN was plainly in view.
Daulario stared at Leitch for what what must've been six seconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Leitch groped wildly in Daulario's direction, clearly desperate. Daulario grabbed the DUAN and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leitch let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Daulario,' he rebuked. Leitch always had been a little selfish, so Daulario knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leitch did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his DUAN tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leitch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Daulario. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Daulario. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leitch walked over to the window and looked down. Daulario was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Daulario was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Leitch 's place. Daulario had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Bobbybigwheels suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the DUAN. One by one they latched on to Daulario. Already weakened from his injury, Daulario yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Bobbybigwheels running off with his DUAN.
About five hours later, Daulario awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Daulario did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable magical cornfield, Daulario was ridiculously lost. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he remembered that his DUAN was taken by the Bobbybigwheels. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Bobbybigwheel emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha Bobbybigwheel. Daulario opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Bobbybigwheel sunk its teeth into Daulario's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Daulario's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, Leitch was entombed by anguish over the loss of the DUAN. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Daulario... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the DUAN that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Bobbybigwheels, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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*golf clap*
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Just be nice to him, he reads every reply to him and he's going through a rough time right now with his back. [twitter.com]