Chicken Nugget Smackdown: Wendy's vs. Burger King vs. McDonald's

Little kids can be cool, but there are a lot of obvious arguments against parenthood. Children are demonstrably shouty, snotty, and wobbly, and they are rumored to be very expensive to maintain. It has also been widely reported that children have poor taste in television. These are among the reasons I am not currently… »11/09/15 11:55am11/09/15 11:55am


Burger King's Halloween Whopper Plays Trick-Or-Treat With Your Tongue, Butt

By now you’ve surely heard that ingestion of Burger King’s new Halloween Whopper could lead to a curious and colorful gastrointestinal endgame. I have nothing to add to this lively public discussion, toilet-wise, other than to suggest that if you are either excited or repulsed by this development, you might be… »10/09/15 1:19pm10/09/15 1:19pm

Pulled Pork Smackdown: Subway Vs. Wendy's

During the first several decades of our glorious and persistent fast-food era, America’s low-end, high-speed restaurateurs relied almost exclusively on the cow for protein. And why not? Beef tastes good, and cows are huge, plentiful, and otherwise useless (except the cheese cows, those are cool). But while the… »10/05/15 2:16pm10/05/15 2:16pm

Taco Bell's Dare Devil Loaded Grillers Are Brilliant And Gross, As Usual

Taco Bell is one of the few old-style American fast-food chains still thriving in a reshaped marketplace that increasingly rewards freshness, quality, and nutrition—or at least the perceptions thereof—rather than simply the thrift, speed, and suspect beef upon which the industry was built. The faux-Mexican monolith’s… »9/15/15 4:52pm9/15/15 4:52pm

Pizza Hut's Hot Dog Pizza Isn't Quite Gross Enough

In this strange age of pizza shaming, when Pizzeria Uno has rebranded as Uno’s Chicago Grill, California Pizza Kitchen is deemphasizing flatbread in favor of tequila and quinoa, Domino’s is hawking cheesesteaks, and even Papa Goddamn John is hard-selling chicken poppers, Pizza Hut is staying true to the game. »7/13/15 11:22am7/13/15 11:22am

Fast-Food Guac-Off: Subway Versus Dunkin' Donuts

Sauces and adjectives are the coagulated lifeblood of fast-food “innovation,” because it’s relatively cheap and easy to spike ranch dressing with cayenne dust, refer to the resulting substance as Kickin’, and splort it onto a chicken patty. It’s a slimy move, but what do you expect them to do? Improve the underlying… »6/01/15 2:03pm6/01/15 2:03pm

Chicken Fight: McDonald's Artisan Grilled Vs. Taco Bell's Chickstar

Traditional fast-food sales are in decline in America, maybe because we’re finally smartening up and becoming more reluctant to treat our tongues, wallets, and digestive systems as mortal enemies. We’re still fat, ridiculous bastards, of course, but chain-restaurant sales data indicates that we’re starting to become a… »4/30/15 1:17pm4/30/15 1:17pm

Smackdown! Burger King's Yumbo Vs. The Wendy's Bacon Portabella Burger

Hey, great news: Maybe we're not all going to die young from discount-beef-induced cardiac arrest, after all! Traditional fast-food sales are in decline, and the (admittedly gigantic) remaining customer base is starting to gravitate ever so slightly toward the less-bad-for-you options. »12/23/14 12:31pm12/23/14 12:31pm

Damn, Millennials, Pizza Hut Thinks You're Super Boring

Much of the content of this Washington Post report on the diverging fortunes of delivery pizza giants Domino's and Pizza Hut—the former is thriving, the latter not s'much—passes harmlessly overhead, as remote and incomprehensible as solar wind washing harmlessly over the Earth's magnetic field. Domino's has a… »10/16/14 1:43pm10/16/14 1:43pm

Burger King Sued Over Fed-Up Stabbin'-Ass Manager

Cold onion rings. A peeved customer. A murderous knife-wielding manager. I swear, if you've been to one Burger King, you've been to 'em all. Except you probably haven't been to any of them, since nobody goes to Burger King. Nobody, that is, but Robert Deyapp, who got beat up by a store employee for it. »10/10/14 3:47pm10/10/14 3:47pm

Wendy's Pulled Pork Cheese Fries Are The Saddest Meal

This is not really a review of the Wendy's Pulled Pork Cheese Fries; in order for it to function as a review, I would have to go to a Wendy's location and say, aloud, to a Wendy's employee, "I will have the Pulled Pork Cheese Fries," and I can't even rehearse that without my hands literally punching me in the face of… »10/01/14 3:37pm10/01/14 3:37pm

Burger King, And Only Burger King, Wants To Be Canadian

Burger King Worldwide Inc., a chain of over 13,000 sad, ignored, tumbleweed-strewn burger graveyards in 79 countries around the world, has agreed to fork over around $11 billion to purchase Canadian donuts-and-breakfast chain Tim Hortons Inc., giving the new combined company ownership of exactly one brand that… »8/27/14 2:42pm8/27/14 2:42pm