Fast-Food Smackdown: McDonald's Mozzarella Sticks Vs. Wendy's Bacon Fondue Fries

Cheese trails only corgis and dead British men as a stimulator of exaggerated public devotion. Forgetting for a blessed second the “lactose intolerant” cowards who try to hide dime-store haterism behind their genetics and intestines, we all stand ever ready to declare undying love for good old thickened milk.

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Chicken Nugget Smackdown: Wendy's vs. Burger King vs. McDonald's

Little kids can be cool, but there are a lot of obvious arguments against parenthood. Children are demonstrably shouty, snotty, and wobbly, and they are rumored to be very expensive to maintain. It has also been widely reported that children have poor taste in television. These are among the reasons I am not currently…

Burger King's Halloween Whopper Plays Trick-Or-Treat With Your Tongue, Butt

By now you’ve surely heard that ingestion of Burger King’s new Halloween Whopper could lead to a curious and colorful gastrointestinal endgame. I have nothing to add to this lively public discussion, toilet-wise, other than to suggest that if you are either excited or repulsed by this development, you might be…

Taco Bell's Dare Devil Loaded Grillers Are Brilliant And Gross, As Usual

Taco Bell is one of the few old-style American fast-food chains still thriving in a reshaped marketplace that increasingly rewards freshness, quality, and nutrition—or at least the perceptions thereof—rather than simply the thrift, speed, and suspect beef upon which the industry was built. The faux-Mexican monolith’s…

Fast-Food Guac-Off: Subway Versus Dunkin' Donuts

Sauces and adjectives are the coagulated lifeblood of fast-food “innovation,” because it’s relatively cheap and easy to spike ranch dressing with cayenne dust, refer to the resulting substance as Kickin’, and splort it onto a chicken patty. It’s a slimy move, but what do you expect them to do? Improve the underlying…

Chicken Fight: McDonald's Artisan Grilled Vs. Taco Bell's Chickstar

Traditional fast-food sales are in decline in America, maybe because we’re finally smartening up and becoming more reluctant to treat our tongues, wallets, and digestive systems as mortal enemies. We’re still fat, ridiculous bastards, of course, but chain-restaurant sales data indicates that we’re starting to become a…

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