Damn, Millennials, Pizza Hut Thinks You're Super Boring

Much of the content of this Washington Post report on the diverging fortunes of delivery pizza giants Domino's and Pizza Hut—the former is thriving, the latter not s'much—passes harmlessly overhead, as remote and incomprehensible as solar wind washing harmlessly over the Earth's magnetic field. Domino's has a… » 10/16/14 1:43pm 10/16/14 1:43pm

Burger King Sued Over Fed-Up Stabbin'-Ass Manager

Cold onion rings. A peeved customer. A murderous knife-wielding manager. I swear, if you've been to one Burger King, you've been to 'em all. Except you probably haven't been to any of them, since nobody goes to Burger King. Nobody, that is, but Robert Deyapp, who got beat up by a store employee for it. » 10/10/14 3:47pm 10/10/14 3:47pm

Wendy's Pulled Pork Cheese Fries Are The Saddest Meal

This is not really a review of the Wendy's Pulled Pork Cheese Fries; in order for it to function as a review, I would have to go to a Wendy's location and say, aloud, to a Wendy's employee, "I will have the Pulled Pork Cheese Fries," and I can't even rehearse that without my hands literally punching me in the face of… » 10/01/14 3:37pm 10/01/14 3:37pm

Burger King, And Only Burger King, Wants To Be Canadian

Burger King Worldwide Inc., a chain of over 13,000 sad, ignored, tumbleweed-strewn burger graveyards in 79 countries around the world, has agreed to fork over around $11 billion to purchase Canadian donuts-and-breakfast chain Tim Hortons Inc., giving the new combined company ownership of exactly one brand that isn't… » 8/27/14 2:42pm 8/27/14 2:42pm

Fast-Food Fight: Subway's Pulled Pork Vs. Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Burger

There are three main founts of greasy innovation whence spring the majority of new fast-food items. The bulk originate in the wide and shallow Same Shit, Different Condiments pool; they are joined by more ambitious offerings from the genres of Cynical Stunt Food and Honest-to-Ronald Attempts to Introduce Nice New… » 7/18/14 2:54pm 7/18/14 2:54pm

My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday's Endless Appetizers

What if I told you that mozzarella sticks never had to end? That for $10, you could eat for free (for $10) for the rest of your natural life? That there exists a spot in the space-time continuum in which it is always Friday? That there are free refills on all Slushes™ excluding Red Bull® branded items?… » 7/18/14 11:33am 7/18/14 11:33am

Chick-Fil-A's Grilled Chicken: The Emilio Estevez Of Chicken Sandwiches

Eating at Chick-fil-A is always a personal conflict. How do you decide between its super-friendly employees and quality food on the one hand, and the antiquated social views at the top of the company on the other? For the sake of loyal Foodspinners, I put that conflict aside to to help mediate another one: Should you… » 7/17/14 3:43pm 7/17/14 3:43pm

All Shock, No Awe: 7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded, Reviewed

Are you repulsed by the idea of eating prepared food from a convenience-store chain most notable for a sludgy cold-sugar drink with the word "slurp" in the name? Are you fundamentally opposed to having your lunch heated in a machine also used to reinvigorate yesterweek's Go-Go Taquitos? Are you not magnetically… » 7/08/14 3:45pm 7/08/14 3:45pm

God Save Dairy Queen: Scenes From The Fast-Food Franchise Wars

Manhattan's first Dairy Queen opened last month, its arrival heralded by months of agonizingly sincere public debate. Critics bemoaned the suburbanization of their precious city and exhorted responsible New Yorkers to patronize their nearest Mister Softee truck instead, rather than feed the soulless, character-less… » 7/07/14 11:59am 7/07/14 11:59am

Big Mac Vs. Whopper: The Ultimate Burger Smackdown

It's been a rocky week for the USA. We were let down by our Supreme Court and our soccer team, and we head into a potentially hurricanous Independence Day licking our wounds and pondering our mistakes and just kidding, we fucking RULE, and that's partly due to geographic good fortune and relatively sound governance,… » 7/03/14 1:20pm 7/03/14 1:20pm

Taco Bell's Quesarito: A Fast-Food Love Affair Gone Awry

Hybrid foods are hit or miss. When they're honest attempts to expand the human dining experience by combining the virtues of two or more complementary yet previously segregated items, the results can be extraordinary. Pizza bagels, peanut butter cups, and Jell-O shots are classic examples of disparate foods joining… » 6/19/14 1:36pm 6/19/14 1:36pm

Torin Yater-Wallace Is The Stoner-Philosopher Of The Olympics

There is no one in the world I would rather have to guide me through the intricacies of a food court than an 18-year-old freeskier from Colorado. Torin Yater-Wallace, now America's greatest sporting hero after raiding the Olympic Village McDonald's for a pile of cheeseburgers, was tracked down by Yahoo's Jeff Passan » 2/13/14 1:23pm 2/13/14 1:23pm

Your Handling-Lots-Of-McDonald's-Food-At-Once Problems Are Solved

Hey guys, remember back when you'd go to the drive-thru at McDonald's, and you had to, like, read the menu and, like, pick some stuff to eat, and then friggin' tell the guy what you wanted, and then you drove up to the window and opened your mouth and they fired all the food at your face with a giant slingshot? Man,… » 9/09/13 4:34pm 9/09/13 4:34pm