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New York, 8:54 PM
Wed Dec 16
19 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of elpendejo elpendejo
    12/05/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    thats why you throw out the wife and embrace the trash. and when i die, just throw me in the trash
    /devito'd
     Reply
    InsidiousTuna promoted this comment elpendejo was starred elpendejo was unstarred
    Image of Rick.Felt Rick.Felt
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    WIFE: I shouldn't have to ask you to take out the trash.

    Your answer should be

    You: Well I shouldnt have to ask you for a blowjob either, you know when the last time you gave me one and realize i need another
     Reply
    sir_pantsalot promoted this comment Rick.Felt was starred Rick.Felt was unstarred
    Image of sir_pantsalot sir_pantsalot
    12/04/09

    @Rick.Felt: Wow! Hit the nail on the F'n head. Wives complain all the time about how their husband used to do things but never look back and compare that with BJ's. I love how we are supposed to take out trash or rub their feet with out being asked but when it comes the BJ's women hate to be asked. "I just want to do it when I feel like doing it." Which turns out to be never. Try using that excuse with the trash.

    Wife: Can you please take out the trash?

    Husband: I don't like it when you ask me to take out the trash. I love taking out the trash but I want to do it when I chose to do it (this now means that I will not take out the trash for at least 6 months and if I am asked again then it will be even longer).
     Reply
    sir_pantsalot was starred sir_pantsalot was unstarred
    Image of asliceofbacon asliceofbacon
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    And this is obviously the ugly sister of "you forgot to put the seat down" battle.
     Reply
    Edited by asliceofbacon at 12/04/09 3:34 PM asliceofbacon was starred asliceofbacon was unstarred
    Image of StuperFan StuperFan
    12/04/09

    @asliceofbacon: I had a female roommate in college, she told me I had to put the seat down so she wouldn’t sit on the rim. Obviously I asked "don’t you look?" She said "not always." Naturally this surprised me, so I decided to always put the LID down and see how that went. A few months later I left the seat up and, as I thought, she had something to say about it. I politely pointed out that I had been putting the lid down all this time and if she had no problem lifting the lid why should it be a problem to put the seat down? That shut her up for a while.
     Reply
    ClickClickThud promoted this comment StuperFan was starred StuperFan was unstarred
    Image of ClickClickThud ClickClickThud
    12/06/09

    @StuperFan: Shoulda been thankful you put the fuckin' seat UP in the first place. I ever get complaints about leaving the seat up, I'll be leaving it down while I spray all over it.

    How's that, honey?
     Reply
    ClickClickThud was starred ClickClickThud was unstarred
    Image of Clarence Rosario Clarence Rosario
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    What happens if, as a husband, you are actually more like the wife in these scenarios?
     Reply
    Clarence Rosario was starred Clarence Rosario was unstarred
    Image of Mr. Praline Mr. Praline
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    The missus and I don't ever fight. Ever. It's weird that way, and it's probably because we were really good friends before becoming involved.

    ...But it might also be because Mrs. Praline is a psychiatrist.
     Reply
    Mr. Praline was starred Mr. Praline was unstarred
    Image of SavetoFavorites SavetoFavorites
    12/04/09

    @Mr. Praline: As an android, do you ever have problems conceptualizing "love," or are context clues from media and humans around you enough to help you get the gist of it?
     Reply
    Mr. Praline promoted this comment SavetoFavorites was starred SavetoFavorites was unstarred
    Image of Mr. Praline Mr. Praline
    12/04/09

    @SavetoFavorites: Mr. Praline is currently experiencing the so-called Blush Response, as well as fluctuation of the pupil and involuntary dilation of the iris.

    ...you bastard.
     Reply
    Mr. Praline was starred Mr. Praline was unstarred
    Image of TheStarterWife TheStarterWife
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    In defense of wives, sometimes we ARE annoyed you're not proactive enough because your lack of pro-activity holds us up from the fun time you seem to be having.

    Last night I was making potato leek soup for dinner. I just had finished peeling the potatoes, went over to the trash to throw away the skins, and husband yells excitedly from the living room, "Hey, you have to see this!" about something stupid in the Oregon-Oregon State game. Well guess what, I cannot come right out because the effing trash is full and I have handfuls of sopping wet potato peels in my hands! Wish I could come right out and have fun, but someone has to deal with this mess. If you would have emptied the trash earlier, I could have dumped the peels and seen the play DAMMIT MAKE YOUR OWN DINNER.

    (In husband's defense, he realized by the tone of "MY HANDS ARE FULL" he needed to pause the game and take out the trash.)
     Reply
    TheStarterWife was starred TheStarterWife was unstarred
    Image of I Like Cheap Beer I Like Cheap Beer
    12/04/09

    @TheStarterWife: So you didn't start making soup for your husband until after the game started at 9PM???
    Bad wife!

    / Ducks meat clever thrown at head
     Reply
    TheStarterWife promoted this comment I Like Cheap Beer was starred I Like Cheap Beer was unstarred
    Image of TheStarterWife TheStarterWife
    12/04/09

    @I Like Cheap Beer: Live in the PST.
     Reply
    TheStarterWife was starred TheStarterWife was unstarred
    Image of VegasWasteland VegasWasteland
    12/04/09

    @TheStarterWife: Aah, there is your mistake. Who acutally cooks food on Thursday to Sunday when the game (any game) is on? That is what Chinese takeout and the frozen dinner-in-a-bag is good for.

    /takes out garbage and shuts up...
     Reply
    TheStarterWife promoted this comment Edited by VegasWasteland at 12/04/09 3:30 PM VegasWasteland was starred VegasWasteland was unstarred
    Image of TheStarterWife TheStarterWife
    12/04/09

    @jodark: Old building, old pipes, cannot have a disposal.

    @Barb-A-Rod: What world is this? 6pm means still at the office.

    @VegasWasteland: Would like to live past 45. (Plus, I write about cooking for football, so there is that.)
     Reply
    TheStarterWife was starred TheStarterWife was unstarred
    Image of VegasWasteland VegasWasteland
    12/04/09

    @TheStarterWife: I look at it preparing for the future.

    You know, just long-term self-embalming? Mmm preservatives!

    /Panda Express'd
     Reply
    VegasWasteland was starred VegasWasteland was unstarred
    Image of Las Goteras Las Goteras
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    A good trick: just make up shit that you've "done" and throw them out from time to time. It needs to be unpromted. Examples: "Honey, I spent a few hours yesterday getting the carbon diode out of your fuel capacitor, and it was lucky I did or you're pistons would've been shot." "Man, the gutters are working so much better since I fragmented the a-frames on them, it was worth my afternoon last (insert day she won't remember)." Use these sparingly, but I've found it prevents or at least forestalls the usual nagging.
     Reply
    Silent Q promoted this comment Las Goteras was starred Las Goteras was unstarred
    Image of Silent Q Silent Q
    12/04/09

    @Las Goteras: (insert day she won't remember)

    That day does not exist. They remember every day. EVERY. DAY. Especially the ones where you didn't actually do anythying.
     Reply
    Silent Q was starred Silent Q was unstarred
    Image of Las Goteras Las Goteras
    12/04/09

    @Silent Q: Yea, I actually thought about that while typing it, I guess I should've said "(insert time frame when she was gone shopping)"
     Reply
    Las Goteras was starred Las Goteras was unstarred
    Image of Hustler of Culture Hustler of Culture
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    My recommendation guys is to go back to school. Its a built in excuse for always needing to be doing something besides housework....
     Reply
    Hustler of Culture was starred Hustler of Culture was unstarred
    Image of Dany Heatley Speedwagon Dany Heatley Speedwagon
    12/04/09

    @Hustler of Culture: For a guy currently working on his accounting designation I must say I'd rather take out the trash.

    /kill me
     Reply
    Dany Heatley Speedwagon was starred Dany Heatley Speedwagon was unstarred
    Image of Silent Q Silent Q
    12/04/09

    @Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Word. Give me the trash any time.

    /up before dawn every day to study for CPA exam before work
     Reply
    Silent Q was starred Silent Q was unstarred
    Image of Hustler of Culture Hustler of Culture
    12/04/09

    @Silent Q: @Dany Heatley Speedwagon: See, your mistake was getting your CPA. I am getting my MBA, while not easy by any stretch, it is not quite as mind-numbing....
     Reply
    Hustler of Culture was starred Hustler of Culture was unstarred
    Image of UpstateUnderdog UpstateUnderdog
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Also, men, surround yourself with friends that hunt, fish, and golf all time and are never home. You can use it to throw in your wife's face when she starts bitching.
     Reply
    UpstateUnderdog was starred UpstateUnderdog was unstarred
    Image of WhatWouldTebowDo? WhatWouldTebowDo?
    12/04/09

    @UpstateUnderdog: Dammit, Upstate, not all of us can be buddies with George W. Bush.
     Reply
    TheStarterWife promoted this comment WhatWouldTebowDo? was starred WhatWouldTebowDo? was unstarred
    Image of Hustler of Culture Hustler of Culture
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Re: buying STAMPs -

    If Mrs. HoC didn't have stamps, I would never, EVER actually mail anything. I would just be incapable of it...
     Reply
    Hustler of Culture was starred Hustler of Culture was unstarred
    Image of Dany Heatley Speedwagon Dany Heatley Speedwagon
    12/04/09

    @Hustler of Culture: What the fuck do you even need stamps for? The last thing I mailed was wedding invitations so since we've been married that would be zero things. You've heard of online bill payments?
     Reply
    Dany Heatley Speedwagon was starred Dany Heatley Speedwagon was unstarred
    Image of Hustler of Culture Hustler of Culture
    12/04/09

    @Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Every like 4-5 months there is something I need to mail. I am with you on autopayments, a single book of checks will last me years and years...
     Reply
    Hustler of Culture was starred Hustler of Culture was unstarred
    Image of UpstateUnderdog UpstateUnderdog
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Best time to take out the garbage is when the kids are acting up, gives me 45 seconds of peace and quiet.
     Reply
    UpstateUnderdog was starred UpstateUnderdog was unstarred
    Image of thetaxman thetaxman
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Or another corollary:

    Me: (5 minutes after noticing the wife is doing [menial task x]): "Do you want me to help with [menial task x]?"

    Her: "no, that's fine"

    /not really fine, if you had to ask it's too late.
     Reply
    Drew Magary promoted this comment Edited by thetaxman at 12/04/09 2:39 PM thetaxman was starred thetaxman was unstarred
    Image of Chamomiles Davis Chamomiles Davis
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Dear Drew,

    Please get out of my head.

    Sincerely,

    Chamomiles Davis
     Reply
    Chamomiles Davis was starred Chamomiles Davis was unstarred
    Image of Phintastic Phintastic
    12/04/09

    @Chamomiles Davis:

    and Phintastic.
     Reply
    Phintastic was starred Phintastic was unstarred
    Image of drewheyman drewheyman
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    You actually have it good, believe it or not. I'm married to a messy girl, and having to handle all those boring domestic tasks myself totally blows.

    Seriously, she's like a 35% trash shooter, and goes for fewer rebounds than Shawn Bradley. And that's the easy stuff.

    Oh, and that angry reminder thing your wife does -- where you then do the task she's angry about -- doesn't work on women. They just get hurt and fake cry or pout or whatever, but don't actually do the task.
     Reply
    Clarence Rosario promoted this comment drewheyman was starred drewheyman was unstarred
    Image of Clarence Rosario Clarence Rosario
    12/04/09

    @drewheyman: Christ, you and I need a support group.
     Reply
    Clarence Rosario was starred Clarence Rosario was unstarred
    Image of Muggs Bigglesworth Muggs Bigglesworth
    12/04/09

    @Clarence Rosario: Does she leave the kitchen cabinets open after she takes something out of them? Does she open up a bag and leave the plastic strip lying around? Are there half-drank glasses of water scattered?

    FULL DISCLOSURE: Not married.
     Reply
    Clarence Rosario promoted this comment Muggs Bigglesworth was starred Muggs Bigglesworth was unstarred
    Image of Clarence Rosario Clarence Rosario
    12/04/09

    @Muggs Bigglesworth: Dude, are you sleeping with my wife?!?!?
     Reply
    Clarence Rosario was starred Clarence Rosario was unstarred
    Image of Muggs Bigglesworth Muggs Bigglesworth
    12/04/09

    @Clarence Rosario: Don't get me wrong, living with the possible future Mrs. Bigglesworth has been great. She does the laundry, no questions, often hits the grocery (on Sundays) alone, and cleans the bathroom on the regular.

    But I'm just saying. If she doesn't close the fucking cabinets when she's done with them, I'm going to give myself an aneurysm.
     Reply
    Edited by Muggs Bigglesworth at 12/04/09 5:30 PM Muggs Bigglesworth was starred Muggs Bigglesworth was unstarred
    Image of David Hume David Hume
    12/04/09

    @Muggs Bigglesworth: I'm one of those guys that cooks and has planted the flag in the kitchen, claiming it as my domain. Sometimes, if I'm doing something big, like baking, I'll do my own dishes, because like a mechanic is to his wrenches or a carpenter his chisels, I don't mind caring for my tools, and there's a way the mixer or the food processer needs to be washed, you know?

    Then I come in later and my otherwise lovely, smart, sweet and wonderful girlfriend has placed a dirty dish, or an empty container of chocolate milk in the sink in the formerly pristine kitchen. That's an eye-twitch/temple vein throb moment.
     Reply
    David Hume was starred David Hume was unstarred
    Image of Muggs Bigglesworth Muggs Bigglesworth
    12/07/09

    @David Hume: She spent a large portion of yesterday cleaning. Scrubbing the bathroom, sweeping the bedroom, putting odds and ends away. I felt kind of guilty. The dishes were done, the sink was spotless.

    Then, this morning, there was a bowl in the sink.

    Rage.
     Reply
    Muggs Bigglesworth was starred Muggs Bigglesworth was unstarred
    Image of Dany Heatley Speedwagon Dany Heatley Speedwagon
    12/04/09

    In reply to Of Matters Concerning Mandatory Husband ESP
    Garbage and recycling are my domain. I do them every week, I sort, I bag, I take it all to the garage. It gets done and never a compliment but also never a complaint so I'm cool. HOWEVER when the wifey is home alone and has to take something outside to the blue bin does she sort it at all? FUCK NO. She will take a box from whatever and it's still filled with styrofoam and packing plastic and all that shit and the box isn't broken down and she'll just throw it in the blue box. I go out to sort for garbage in the freezing cold the night before and what the fuck do I find but a box full of fucking shit taking up all the space in the goddamned blue bin and I have to spend 5 minutes freezing my balls off to break it up and shit. EVERY FUCKING TIME SHE DOES IT I tell her politely you can't do that. Does she listen... no.But I get the proactive fucking speech all the time. Guess what, preparing the trash before it goes to the curb is being motherfucking proactive!
     Reply
    Edited by Dany Heatley Speedwagon at 12/04/09 2:44 PM Dany Heatley Speedwagon was starred Dany Heatley Speedwagon was unstarred
    Image of sir_pantsalot sir_pantsalot
    12/04/09

    @Dany Heatley Speedwagon: It makes me want to shake a bitch when there is a large box taking up all of the space in the trash bin. When I open it there is nothing but air inside. I take the trash out but it seems that everytime I am out of town or something she finds a large box to throw away.
     Reply
    sir_pantsalot was starred sir_pantsalot was unstarred
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