Here are the Marlins' all time leaders in several categories:

Home Runs: Mike Lowell, 143.
Runs: Luis Castillo, 675.
OPS: Carlos Delgado, .981
Wins: Dontrelle Willis, 68.
ERA: Kevin Brown, 2.30.
Saves: Robb Nen, 108.

Here are the five humans who have started the most games on the mound for the Marlins, in order: Willis, A.J. Burnett, Brad Penny, Ryan Dempster, Pat Rapp.

When you conjure up images of those players, not a single one of them is wearing a Marlins uniform. (With the possible exception of Pat Rapp, whom I'm impressed you remember at all.) (Ed. Note: OK, and Dontrelle. Headslapper move there. Voices, heard.) The only Florida Marlin historical figure — as historical as anything that started in 1993 can be — who comes to my mind is Jeff Conine, for some reason. Maybe that weird mascot. Actually, it's just the Manatees. In case you forgot what state the Marlins play in.

Baseball is always trying to whitewash the history it doesn't like and bronze the history it does, so it's not a surprise that the team that has won the second-most World Series in the last 30 years rarely shows up in retrospective packages. (How cruel that the most crushing moment for the Cubs, a team so desperate for a World Series, happened against a team that history has already forgotten, a team barely even noticed at the time.) The Florida Marlins are a nowhere team, an anomaly, an unfortunate wart that keeps popping up every few years, long after you thought you'd taken care of it already. The Marlins are the remainder on a division problem.

That is mean and unfair, you say, and you're of course correct. I would apologize to Marlins fans if I knew where they were. I mean that in every sense of the word. The A's might have lower attendance numbers, but they certainly do have fans. I've never met a Marlins fan. I've met Memphis Grizzlies fans. The passion just isn't there: The Marlins — as an on-field team, not as an organization — have done everything possible to please a fanbase over the last 13 years, and it just hasn't stuck. One of the countless pleasures of being a baseball fan is knowing that, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, no matter what you believe, there is a rabid fanbase out there that thinks just like you do. Fordham basketball, a team that is 2-24 this season, has an active message board, people obsessing about recruits and campus visits and future schedules and budgets for the athletic program. They are engaged.

FishStripes, a nice little Marlins blog for the SB Nation network, dutifully updated fans with five posts yesterday. These were posts from Spring Training, the most lush, hopeful time of the season, the time when even casual fans stretch their arms out and shake off the cobwebs for a new year. Not a single one of those posts elicited so much as one comment. They're fine posts, hearty posts, sturdy posts. And nothing. The Internet was invented for pornography, being able to make Ashton Kutcher aware of your existence and the discussion of baseball. The interest just isn't there. I'm not trying to be mean. The Florida Marlins just aren't happening. And still, they pop up, ever and ever.

They're opening a new stadium in two years, surely set up for more money in Jeff Loria's pocket, who's basically an upgraded version of George Steinbrenner, Steinbrenner 2.0, except Loria doesn't actually care about winning. This is an empty franchise, clogging up baseball history, getting in the way of what everyone wants and expects to happen, in the way of what can be sold and splashed across commemorative T-shirts and mugs. They destroy the story that's attempting to be written. They are the fish in the ointment. They are constant trouble.

The Florida Marlins are chaos. They are nonsense. Bless them for that. This is my favorite thing about the Florida Marlins, and pretty much why I'm always cheering for them. You should too. Somebody should.

•Bringing more misery to the Middle East, the Marlins kicked off an Iraq visit by stopping in on the Kuwaiti Little League. They worked on fundamentals and shared tips for success, and I really think the Marlins will benefit from their lessons.

•Landon Donovan scored his first Premier League goal, in Everton's 2-0 win over Sunderland. Proof that not all American involvement in Merseyside soccer is a bad thing.

•Kurt Warner announced yesterday...that he'll announce tomorrow whether he's going to retire or not. Normally we'd savage him for dragging this out, but in a world where Brett Favre exists, as long as he clears this up by September, we'll be cool with it.

•Nets win! Nets win! Nets win! Their first victory of the new decade, New Jersey topped the Clippers 103-87 to move to 4-40 on the season. Los Angeles drops to 20-34, because every loss to the Nets is worth 10 regular losses.

•Serena Williams and Justine Henin both advance in straight sets, and will meet for the Aussie Open crown on Saturday. But more importantly, they saved us from an all-Chinese final. Since tennis is technically an Olympic sport, that's one sport the Chinese can't pummel us (or the Belgians) at!

•••••

It's Thursday. Make yourself a big cup of coffee—none of that freeze-dried crap—and settle in.

•Shaquille O'Neal showed up in Philly to watch himself in Comcast's 3D holiday show. The Cavs are wondering if they can't trot out the 3D CNN Shaq hologram for the second half of the season.

•Kobe Bryant scored the last seven points of the game, including a buzzer-beating jumper in overtime to push the Lakers over the Bucks. And somewhere, Bill Plaschke is furiously writing a column saying he should have passed more.

•A Free Press columnist makes the argument that the Lions should trade Calvin Johnson, and he keeps a straight face when he says that WR is one of the easiest positions to fill in the draft. Apparently Matt Millen is an unperson, and the Lions' draft history has always been doubleplusgood.

•Kawika Mitchell is none too happy about the Bills signing Richie Incognito, Tweeting that "THIS GUY SUKS BALLS." Considering Mitchell's on IR, even if Incognito literally sucks balls, it'd still be more of a contribution to the team.

•Oh lord. Every Marlins home run in their new stadium will be celebrated with "an explosion of color, lasers, pelicans and at least one jumping marlin." Oh by the way, this little country fish jamboroo will cost $2.5 million, or about how much it would have cost them to keep their closer.

•••••

We're going to get more news on Chris Henry today, probably of the sordid kind. But let's hope there's some good news too.

The Mighty Dan Gross's gossip column in the Philly Daily News has the play-by-play of West's vomit-and-poon-soaked Saturday night in Center City, straight from the limo driver.

West got into a shoving match with some men while leaving a nightclub with five groupies who traveled up from Miami for the last series of the season. He later leaned out the window and yelled at another group of men, who surrounded the limousine. Meanwhile, one of the girls is throwing up all over the back of the car.

Fast forward to West, nearly passed out in front of a federal building.

This motherf——- was laying on the ledge with his flip-flops on," Penny says as the girls tried to make their friend feel better.

Penny says West told him that he would pay for any cleaning, since he has a lot of money. When the limo arrived at the Hyatt Regency Penn's Landing, where the team stayed, West got out of the car with one of the women, and said they were heading to get a towel, but also announced his intent to have sex with his companion, and never returned.

That last line sounds ominous, but since he was at the ballpark the next afternoon, I guess he wasn't swallowed forever by groupie vagina.

Marlins Pitcher Sean West's Wild Saturday Night [Daily News]

Well, not really. But Helms did hit a walk off homer last night to beat the Braves 8-7. And afterward, he credited the altercation between Uggla and Ramirez as the emotional prod the Marlins needed to stay alive:

"It's like us and kids," Helms told the Sentinel. "We have to punish them and two minutes later they're hugging us. It's part of team chemistry. It's like my wife and I say all the time, if you love something you're going to fight."

The "fight" Helms is alluding to began when the slumping Ramirez asked to be pulled from Tuesday night's rain delay so that he could, in Uggla's contention, maintain his NL best .350 batting average (Uggla also complains that Hanley does not try hard enough for someone who is so rich, especially by Marlin standards). But Hanley says he asked to leave because of a nagging hamstring injury, and that money aint a thang, baby.

The tiff, captured in The Sentinel:

If you really wanted to win you would have never come out of the game," Uggla said. "Stand pat."

Ramirez: "Yeah, I'm 0 for 14. They think that's why. I'm still hitting .355. It's unbelievable. And arbitration, I've got arbitration next year so I have to sit on my numbers."

Uggla: "Yeah, you got your $70 million, so f—-—- win. What the f—- you have to come out of the game for?"

"I don't show nobody up on the field. You showed me up on the field! I never do that to nobody," Ramirez said, shouting now.

That's when [Marlins manager Fredi] Gonzalez intervened and asked the media to leave

Marlins Ramirez, Uggla trade verbal barbs in clubhouse [Sun Sentinel]

First, this message that came to us from a tipster unaffiliated with either party:

I found the yankees vs Marlins fans fight taken down [from YouTube] late Mon night. I emailed the director and asked why it was taken down and what his relation to the fight was

His reply was

"they asked for me to take the video down.

The yankees fan wife bought us tickets. thats my relation. my uncle knows them."

So a family friend of Yankee Fan was on camera, which helps explains the ultra sharp images. Good to know. But later on we found this message sent in through the comment section that may or may not be a personal message from Yankee Fan's wife. All sic'd of course and (again) unverified, so judge accordingly.

To all the idiots commenting about my daughter, she was crying because that is not her fathers usual conduct. We don't raise our children to be like that marlins fans son, taking punches at my husband. That's a great example. But when you have marlin low life's and thier wife and child involved in a brawl... they need to stay at their trailer home. Not that I justify what my husband did, he should of walked away from tjose idiots comments about me. The person who put this video on is a scumbag, especially focusing in on my daughter.(and to think he sat there for free thanks to me) . That nasty marlin gringo and nasty wife were out of line. As u can see the cops were very cordial with us and asked if we were OK... And the idiot who made the comment about :your daddys going to disappoint you 300 more times in your life time?? you are so ??? U obiviously had a horrible childhood... I pray u dont have kids. I can't believe i'm even responding, but you all need to get a life.

Tough, but fair. The fact that both messages referenced free tickets for the cameraman certainly lends credence to its authenticity. As does the description of "trailer home" Marlin "gringos." (Hey, she calls 'em as she sees 'em.) But wait there's more! Another anonymous, unverified comment from someone who didn't quite grasp my sarcastic use of quote marks.

Listen again before you slander someone like this. You are sadly mistaken and it amazes me that you can not hear for yourself what he says. His daughter is scared and crying and afraid he got hurt and he says "I'm Fine, I'm fine!" She says why are you are fighting and and he says "I'm not fighting its okay". I happen to know exactly what happened and how this fight started. I won't use names but The Marlins Fan called the Yankees fan's wife names that are so obscene I can not even say them here. He curses her out for five minutes before the Yankees Fan realizes he is talking to his wife. Then he walks over and defends his wife as any man should. By the way, as for the character and type of father this man is.....I happen to live right next door to him. He does not even know this is on the internet yet. He is home playing with his little girl right now who absolutely adores him. By the way, guess who got kicked out of the game...The Marlins Fan guy with the foul mouth while the Yankees Fan got to stay and finish the game with his family. What does that tell you! This all happened at Friday nights game and the next night, guess who was at the game. The Yankees Fan! How do I know..... Because this man whose character you are slandering bought 6 extra tickets to the game to so that my family could go as a surprise for my 10 year old kid who is battling cancer. He really must be the awful guy you all think. Oh and if you think it was a Marlins - Yankees Fight you are sadly mistaken. We came with him in our full Marlins Gear, sat right next to him, and he was thrilled the Marlins won that night for our kid. Maybe you should adjust your misquote and retype your article now!

So there you go. If Marlins Fan really is the instigator—although I wonder what would cause him to hurl so many unsolicited slurs at Mrs. Yankee Fan—then kudos, I guess, to YF for defending her honor. He does seem like a stand-up guy, despite his unfortunate decision to root for the team from the Bronx. Nobody's perfect.

Oh, and if Marlin Fan or any of his progeny would like to hurl some invective our way, we'll be more than happy to publish those too.

Yankees-Marlins Fan Brawl Reveals Truth Of The Human Condition, With Punching [Deadspin]

As usual, we don't get to see what started the fracas, but we do get to see who finished it. Yankee Fan and Marlin Fan are going toe-to-toe across a stadium aisle railing, when Yankee Fan lands a roundhouse haymaker. Then Marlin Fan's wife jumps in. Then their 10-year-old kid gets his shots in. The Marlin Fan comes unhinged, leaping over the railing and sending Yankee Fan tumbling over a row of seats. Bystanders try to "break up" the fight while simultaneously trying to capture it on film. Security is nowhere to be seen. Then comes the shocking plot twist that melts your heart and jerks the tears from your cold, cynical eyes ... Yankee Fan's young daughter bawling her eyes out.

"Quiet, Sweetheart. Daddy's fighting."

But most of all, kudos to the cameraman for keeping his wits about him and getting some rare, super high-quality footage of the elusive stadium brawl. These things are usually more nauseating than The Blair Witch Project, but this guy is a real poet.

Happy Father's Day, everyone!

Fight at the Yankees at Marlins [YouTube]

Video via: ToastedJoe

Unfortunately for Coghlan, his milestone ball was nabbed by Nick Yohanek, a.k.a. The Happy Youngster, a well-known Milwaukee Brewers fan who claims to have caught over 775 balls in his career. When Marlins' officials tried to get this particular ball back from him, they quickly realized they were dealing with a pro.

Yohanek has an extraordinarily detailed account of the whole thing on his website (did you know that every MLB team is supposed to have TWO authenticators on hand at each game? Nick does!). Suffice it to say, it doesn't appear that he's a stranger to bartering for the baseballs he's caught. Nick spoke to EIGHT Marlins' officials (including, for some reason, the team's psychologist), and even had his demands written out for posterity's sake (a Chris Coghlan game bat and signed ball, and a Hanley Ramirez game bat). Finally, Coghlan himself came out to speak with Yohanek. There are two different perspectives on what happened next. Here's Coghlan's:

Coghlan said he gave the fan a signed bat and took a photo with him after Wednesday's game. As Coghlan discovered, that only seemed like a starting point for further negotiations.

"Then he wanted other things that I didn't think (were) fair," Coghlan said.

Coghlan said the fan also asked for tickets to one of the Marlins' upcoming games against the Yankees, along with a ball and signed bat from Coghlan's more famous Marlins teammate, Hanley Ramirez.

"I was trying to be as nice and respectful as I could," Coghlan said. "But I told him he could only get one."

Here's Yohanek's:

Yohanek said his negotiations for the ball began with several members of the Marlins' staff — and after his request for a Ramirez bat was turned down, he requested tickets not for the Yankees series, but for a Brewers-Marlins series at Florida in June.

"I had wanted to attend this series anyway," Yohanek said. "Considering (Marlins) attendance is barely over 15,000 nightly, I didn't feel like this was too much to ask."

At the end of the ordeal, Yohanek gave Coghlan his ball in exchange for a signed bat, a photo with Coghlan, and tickets to that Marlins-Brewers series. Nick defended his hardline stance as follows:

...some people choose to sell drugs to kids. Some people choose to abuse drugs, themselves. Some people choose to get all liquored up and drive their vehicles. Some people choose to be abusive to their wives and kids. Some people choose to rob, steal and cheat. Some people take the lives of others.

Some people choose to snag baseballs at the ballpark.

For Coghlan's part, he found the experience less than pleasant:

"He wasn't the most polite or respectful guy about the whole process," Coghlan said Thursday. "He told me he goes around a lot and catches these balls and holds them for ransom — even though he doesn't say that he does, it seems that way."

So was Yohanek asking too much? Too little? Who's right? Who's wrong? Can't we all just get along?

Let the debate rage on in the comments.

Marlins rookie blasts fan for holding 1st-homer ball 'ransom' [The Detroit News]
5/13/09 @ Miller Park [The Happy Youngster]

Has there ever been a better photo showcasing the youth of the Marlins? I'm curious as to what Anibal Sanchez told Alfredo Amezaga he saw, especially since it was most likely said in some spicy language using a trilled r. And the Marlins are 5-1, perched atop the National League East, looking more and more like a team that's going to give plenty of NL squads trouble all year. The interlocking fingers and magic hole handshake might have to stay with them throughout the season if their success continues.

******

Hola. Monday. Ride your bike down a long flight of stairs.

And, according to this, you expected as much.

If there had really been poetic justice, the last out ever at Shea Stadium would have been made by Endy Chavez. But no; his grounder in the ninth only went for out No. 2. Ryan Church did the honors two batters later, flying to center to end the season for New York; meaning that the Mets will not play in Ocober for the first time since 1994. Who better to preside at the funeral than Lupica, whose column on the whole thing is here. In a bold example of participatory journalism, the hobbit-like columnist watched part the game from "behind section 312," providing many anecdotal examples of mingling with the little people. But that only lasted a couple of innings, at which point he returned to a private box to mingle with Darryl Strawberry.

But now let us hand the mic to Faith and Fear in Flushing, for some final comments.

There is no Shea Stadium. Contemplate that, would you? Consider the width, breadth and depth of that statement. Shea Stadium was. Not is, but was. Shea Stadium constructs all its sentences for the rest of time in the past tense. Shea Stadium was over there. Shea Stadium was where we went. I used to go to Shea Stadium.

This is a situation unlike any I can fathom. I cannot fathom this situation at all. I saw it end. I heard it end. The gates all but shut in my wake. It's no longer where I go. It's where I went. It's unfathomable. Shea Stadium's not there. I didn't want to leave it, but it was going no matter what I did.

Thanks to Meg Blog for the Mets photo above.

It's Not There [Faith And Fear In Flushing]

Sorry, Marlins fans. You'll have to do a lot better to approach the modern Major League record of ... 23.

On September 8, 1916, the New York Yankees came to Philadelphia to play the hapless Athletics. The fans sitting in Shibe Park for the rain-delayed game were outnumbered by the men in uniform. In fact, when the Yankees were at bat, they had more players on the bench than fans in the seats. After an 8-2 win over the Yankees, for the only time in major league history, a team was two games back for every fan in attendance. 46 games back of the first place Red Sox and an announced attendance of 23.

Post Script: The 23 brave fans saw another record that day. Philadelphia outfielder Wally Schang, a switch-hitter was the first major leaguer to hit home runs in consecutive at bats from different sides of the plate.

Actually, the Marlins claim that they sold 11,211 tickets for the game; it's just that most decided not to show up as game-time temperatures hit 90 degrees. "I got enough worries about 30 guys on the field,'' Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez said. "It doesn't seem to bother our guys. They go out and play hard.'' Hanley Ramirez homered and doubled to lead the Marlins past the Braves 5-3. Jeremy Hermida had two hits and an RBI.

"The fans that did come out that's who we play for,'' Nelson said. "I know a lot of people watch us at home, and I do understand, it's hot out here. It's a difficult situation to sit for nine innings.'' Braves manager Bobby Cox extended his major league ejection record to 143, getting tossed in the fifth inning for arguing balls and strikes.

Florida trails the first-place Mets in the East by eight games, a fact that their fan base obviously finds too depressing to face. Come on people, it's the Mets. Do you not remember last year?

Marlins 5, Braves 3 [NBCSports]

Several sources, including the Palm Beach Post and Baseball Prospectus, are reporting that the three-way deal involving the Red Sox, Marlins and Pirates is already done; and just waiting for Brett Favre to send a fax to the Packers. No, that's not right, sorry. Apparently, it's John Grabow holding up the works. Damn it, Grabow!

So here’s what Pee Wee Herman would call the “big but”: the teams, I am told, have not agreed on the specific prospects to be included in the deal. It’s expected that in addition to the principals, the Red Sox would get John Grabow and give up two prospects, while the Marlins would get one prospect and give up two. There’s still a lot of haggling but my scribbling notes make it look like the structure of the deal is:

Marlins get Manny Ramirez, one prospect (Red Sox), and cash (likely covering Ramirez’s remaining salary)

Pirates get Jeremy Hermida and three prospects (two Marlins, one Red Sox)

Red Sox get Jason Bay and John Grabow

There is still potential for this to fall apart over the prospects, but things appear closer now than ever before.

And here's the quote of the day:

The idea of obtaining Ramirez was driven by owner Jeffrey Loria, who is trying to return his team to the playoffs for the first time since 2003, when the Marlins won the World Series.

"Jeffrey is an art dealer. Jeffrey has always collected the world's greatest art pieces. In the game of baseball, Manny is a Picasso,'' said another baseball source with knowledge of the deal. "It doesn't surprise me. Hey, nobody thought Jeffrey would get Pudge (Rodriguez) years ago and, sure enough, he did.

And there you have it; Pudge Rodriguez and Picasso appearing in the same graph. We were done with civilization anyway, right?

We Have A Deal, But ... [Baseball Prospectus]
Marlins Pursuing Manny Ramirez [Palm Beach Post]

Miller has had some complaints about his tatoos — opposing batters have complained that the numerous clowns and fairies and knives or whatever running down his left arm are distracting — but that's not stopping him from getting more and more ink. He's even got pitcher Billy Koch's name tattooed on his ass. And, even though Miller's already got one pitcher's name on his ass, Marlins' pitcher Scott Olsen wanted to stake his own claim of buttock real estate:

Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen, who had been pulled over by Florida police the previous summer and charged with DUI before allegedly being shocked with a taser, approached Miller with a proposition of his own. “He wants me to get his mug shot tattooed on my ass. I don't think that's going to work,” says Miller. “I don't think my wife wants to see Olsen's picture there. So we're not going to go with that.”

What happened to team unity?

Justin Miller Profile [Inked]

Luis Gonzalez's three-run double helped first-place Florida move to 30-20; the first time they have been 10 games over .500 since September 2005. Coincidentally, after Mike Pelfrey (2-6) lasted only four innings and dropped his sixth straight start, the Mets are 23-26; the first time they have dropped three games below .500 since September of 2005. Jose Reyes had two homers for the Mets, but also made an error at shortstop in the first that led to two unearned runs. The Mets have lost seven of eight and 10 of 14 overall.

A New York Daiy News poll, "Are you happy that Willie Randolph is still the Mets' manager?," is running 72 percent against him. But hey, unlike the majority of baseball fans in south Florida, at least they care.

• Meanwhile, In The Comments Section. Mets fans are getting restless, and somewhat more creative. Found in the Minor Enterprise comments: The Mets promote 'Bad Baserunning Night' at every home game. This great promotion is brought to you by many of the players, including Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran and even David Wright. See professional baseball players that are well-compensated forget all of the fundamentals taught back in Little League, such as: make sure the line drive goes through; never make the first or third out of an inning at third base; and don't attempt to steal a base when you are down by four or more runs. Fans young and old will treasure this promotion and have 81 opportunities to take advantage of it. To add to the festivities, even manager Willie Randolph gets into the fray. His post-game press conferences will be filled with such inspiring remarks such as: "I've seen it all before," "I'm not concerned yet," and "Last year was last year." Yes, fans. The underachieving group of players that you know and love will thrill you inning after inning with uninspired play that is a direct representation of their fearless leader. A clubhouse divided will give you an entire summer of excitement, and give you ample time to enjoy the NFL once the fall rolls around. — NYSportScene

• Phillies 20, Rockies 5. I had two choices last night; finishing the second half of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, or reading the scoring summary of Monday's Phillies-Rockies game. I did the former, because I figured I didn't have enough time for the latter. Instead I perused the box score, which was fun. Especially telling was the Nos. 6 and 7 spots in the Phils' order who got seven hits and eight RBI between them.

• Ranger Danger. The AL East is still safely in the hands of the Rays (who among you are rooting for a Rays-Cubs World Series, just to watch Piniella?), as Tampa Bay beat Texas 7-3 on Monday. Scott Kazmir won his fourth straight start, striking out 10 over seven innings. Eric Hinske had a three-run homer for the Rays, who have won 16 of their past 17 home games and at 31-20 have the best record in the majors. From AP: Tampa Bay is just the second team — joining the 1903 New York Giants — to have the best mark on Memorial Day after finishing with the worst record in the big leagues the previous season (66-96).

• A Brandon Ship! And Brandon Webb (9-2) continues on his pace to lose nine straight after beginning the season 9-0, giving up up 10 hits in a 7-3 loss to the Braves. Mark Teixeira had four RBI.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners. This great basket catch to rob Jason Varitek of extra bases in the fifth is made even greater by Suzuki reaching up to make sure his hat didn't fall off. A fine way to start off our week. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Six wands.

You remember World War I; or as Randy Johnson calls it, "The thing that postponed my rookie season." Ricky Nolasco allowed three hits over seven innings to win it for Florida. And all those gamblers who saw Wednesday's pitching matchup and still put money on the Marlins, well, you earned that payday, you crazy bastards. “I’m not going to go 33-, 34-0 probably,” said Webb (9-1). “It was going to happen sometime. Losing in this manner, to a guy who pitched a great game, is probably a good way for it to happen.” Webb left for a pinch hitter after allowing six hits and three runs in seven innings.

With Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy in the stands wearing a Marlins t-shirt, Cody Ross homered (the third allowed by Webb this season) for Florida and and Stephen Drew did likewise for the Diamondbacks. Your Hanley Ramirez Update: Ramirez, who signed a $70 million, six-year contract extension Saturday, is 1-for-15 with 10 strikeouts in the past four games.

• Everything Must Go!. Word is that the Padres are about to have a fire sale. Catchers half price! Jake Peavy is already on the DL, and now Chris Young is most likely headed there after getting hit in the face by Albert Pujols' line drive in the third (he's OK). Pujols also knocked Josh Bard out of the game with a slide at home. Look, it will all be chronicled in the next Peanuts TV special: Now You're My Bitch, Charlie Brown! The Padres (17-31) are in last place in the NL West, have lost 12 of 17 games and have the worse record in the majors. The Cardinals got three RBI each from Ryan Ludwick and Troy Glaus, Skip Schumaker had four hits and Rick Ankiel had a two-run homer.

• So, How Soon Can We Have Instant Replay Installed? The umpires screwed up royally once again, this time taking away a homer from Alex Rodriguez (no!) in the sixth. Although replays showed the ball was over the fence, second base umpire Otis Taylor ruled it a ground rule double. A-Rod hit another one, though, and the Yankees beat the Orioles 8-0.

• It's A Dye Job. Jermaine Dye's go-ahead three-run homer in the sixth, and solo homer in the seventh, led the Blanca Stockings to a 7-2 win over the Indians, Cleveland's fifth straight loss.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Blake DeWitt, Los Angeles Dodgers. Two fine plays by the third baseman, but Wizard Cat must warn you that MLB.com is showing commercials in their highlight videos now, including one here for MLB.com Mobile Team Alerts. Wizard Cat is furious, and will likely claw someone's testicles in the very near future.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Perhaps you remember this somewhat controversial Sports Illustrated cover from March of last year. The story examined how the effects of global warming may be causing dramatic weather swings, thus changing winter sports, and resulting in more baseball rainouts. But even SI didn't know how prescient the cover really was.

The same day the federal government added the polar bear to the endangered species list because of global warming, South Florida water managers agreed to take a yearlong look at how melting ice could raise sea levels that could claim the southern part of the state.

Coincidently, the district's governing board on Wednesday met in Sebring, northwest of Lake Okeechobee, which Board Chairman Eric Buermann pointed out was once Florida's southern tip. "It may be again," Buermann said.

The SI article was controversial because, predictably, global warming naysayers did not want politics mixed with their NFL dogfighting news. Fine. But when the Marlins' fan base is reduced to these three people, don't come crying to me.

Study: Will Rising Ocean Submerge Part Of South Florida? [Orlando Sentinel]
Environmental Journalism At The Crossroads [Stanford News Service]

It's easy to dismiss the Miami entrant in the Senior Circuit. Some have even called for the franchise to meet a Pompeii-like fate. Yet these latter-day Diogenes' conveniently succumb to amnesia when the subject turns to the twin banners captured in the Big Series by the Spearfish. And while the gaseous trashman and angry art dealer in the corner office have taken it upon themselves to swing the demolition ball at championship rosters, attention must be paid to the fact that this current crop of caviar is playing winning hardball ahead of schedule. The Swinging Swimmers are back in form, and their gonfalon flies atop their divisional grouping for a good reason.

The Briny Ballers achieved their latest left-columner thanks to Dan "The Owl" Uggla. The Wise One's second of a brace of Long Socks capped a triptych of tallies in the eighth innings. This Swedish Surprise propelled Santiago's Sluggers to a Seventh Straight W, 5-4 over their Washington Generals (where's Red Klotz lately?), who have fallen a lucky seven times in the eight (count 'em) times they have played against Vice City in the campaign's opening weeks.

The Ugg-Boot was the first participant to tickle the dish, giving the tourists a short-lived lead against Capital protagonist Shawn "Maple Leaf" Hill. Dan went deep in the sixth innings to edge his nine closer to the leaders, also off the twirler from the North Counties. Then came the decisive rally.

Prior to that decisive moment, there was bi-partisan approval for the One-Hit Wonder, Aaron Boone. The Knuckle-Cracker socked one that actually left the green space in the second innings, not his first Deep Drama since the one that sent the 'Stripes to the Fall Classic many moons ago, but seemingly so (for you Chadwickians out there, he has hit 31 trippers since that fabled Fly). Bob's Boy surprised further in the following innings. A twin-tally blast off the ash of Ronnie "Proud Papa" Belliard was itself a stunner, and gave the Taxed-Without-Reps a 3-1 lead. "Shiner" Scott Olsen was seen muttering to himself in a Ruthian rage out on the anthill, and was clearly still upset when the Tidewater Terror, Ryan Zimmerman, scratched out a bat-handle blooper. One-Hit strolled to the dish, and put paid to his moniker by lashing a clothesline that Alfredo "Double-A" Amezaga couldn't corral with his cesta. By the time the pill was returned to the K-Zoo Krazy, Boone had legged out a rare triplet, and the Natty ones led 4-1. Lastings "High-Five" Milledge failed to extend the lead, rolling out to the coffin corner. It would prove a pricey failure by the budding Biggie Smalls.

Shiner Scott reduced the swelling after that tricky third, putting round ones on the big board for the following three innings. But he didn't get the V. That went to Logan "French Kiss" Kensing, who gave up a ducksnort, as is his wont, but held the punchless politicos without a tally in the seventh innings. That set the stage for the decisive chapter.

Luis Ayala was the unfortunate insurance hurler for the N's, and he walked under a ladder when Amezaga legged out a bounder that Wes "Daily Show" Helms couldn't turn into a putout. The May-retta Masterstroker, Jeremy Hermida, then sheepshanked the day's entertainment by jerking an all-too-candid Ayala offering into the starboard stands. For the hapless hurler, not as unfortunate a happenstance as his injury in the in the final furlong of the World Baseball Classic, but disheartening nonetheless.

Two outs later, the Owl licked the lollipop, and the Pelagics took the lead. The District Dandies had a couple of cracks at Sunshine State Pen Men, but neither Renyel "Lemon" Pinto nor Kevin "Mild-Mannered Reporter" Gregg allowed their drinks to be Mickeyed, and the brooming was confirmed when Jesus "Soft J, Easy to K" Flores tapped a bulge back to the astigmatic Gregg. A septenary sweeping. And it is no Deadly Sin to take Pride in the feat, Ye Fans of the Fishes.

Aside: The Reconstituted Rajah, Hanley Ramirez, had a rare library game, chipping a mere bingle in a quartet of plate showings. But Double-R took no small comfort earlier in the day by Hancocking an extension to his contract. The new Monty Hall will swell Hanley's pay envelope to $70 million over the next six years, up from a Skid Row salary below half a million. More to the point, it establishes this Valiant of VORP as the biggest fish in the school, the face on the side of the Marlins' dorsal fin. When a third trophy comes south to reside in the case on Dan Marino Boulevard, it will be Hanley carrying the team's colors over the hill.

With Boston's 5-4 loss to Baltimore on Tuesday, the Rays moved a half-game ahead of the Red Sox to record another historic first: both Florida teams are in first place at the same time in May. The Marlins (also 23-16) lost to the Reds, 5-3, but are still 1 1/2 games ahead of the Phillies in the NL East. J.P. Howell III (3-0) went two scoreless innings for the win. Rays bloggers are whistling Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah out of their asses, as Clark Griswold would say.

• Wedge Politics. Cleveland got seven hits one night after manager Eric Wedge ripped his hitters for poor preparation at the plate. The Indians are now a half-game out of first in the AL Central after Paul Byrd and two relievers combined for a 4-0 win over the Athletics; Cleveland's fourth shutout in seven games. Ryan Garko did the honors on offense with a three-run homer.

• Fire Millen? Time to check in on the Tigers, who at 16-23 are last in the AL Central. Tuesday's 3-2 loss to the Royals gives Detroit a 2-8 record over its past 10 games. Kansas City's Jose Guillen, who was hitting .165 on May 5. has gone 10-for-18 since then, with five doubles, to raise his average to .216. He had a two-run double on Tuesday.

• Big Unit Playing Out The String. Randy Johnson didn't look so hot and lasted only five innings, but it was enough to get his 287th career victory, 8-4 over the Rockies. Stephen Drew's three-run homer was the big blow. Johnson (3-1), who gave up four runs on nine hits, left the clubhouse without talking to reporters. What an all-around pleasant fellow.

• Down In Old Napoli, That's Amore ... Jered Weaver, he of the 7.02 ERA, suspended his general suckiness of late to throw a one-hitter over seven innings in the Angels' 2-0 win over the White Sox. Mike Napoli's sacrifice fly in the eighth was all the offense needed.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians. One of two tremendous plays by the Clevelanders on Tuesday (second baseman Asdrubal Cabrera had the other), center fielder Sizemore — who owns two cats — makes this diving catch with no outs in the sixth off the bat of Oakland's Kurt Suzuki. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at wizardcat@live.com.

The Florida Marlin's attempt to draw, well, anyone to their ballpark with the attraction of an all-male space eater cheerleader squad made the rounds when it was first announced. Well, the montage sequence of preparation is over. They've run the treadmill with a T-bone steak dangled on a string in front of them. When the Marlins hold their home opener tomorrow, we'll finally have an answer to this article's burning question: Can manatees learn to dance?

And how many can do it on the head of a pin? Too ontological?

It's a team of 16 planetesimals ranging in weight from a petite 225 to a Raven Symone 435. And one harried choreographer to mold them into a disciplined gelatinous unit.

Modeling each step in front of her panting apprentices, choreographer Vanessa Martinez-Huff watched their moves in the studio mirror, halting the music every few beats to correct missteps. Her motions were smooth and her voice cheery.

In her eyes was a look of stifled panic.

"I see people leaving to get hot dogs!" she admonishes them. "You want to keep them in the stands! Do you want to lose out to a hot dog?"

"Can they bring me one?" asks Steve Bauer, a 280-pound food service vendor, drawing high fives from the other Manatees.

Now, an actual manatee high five I would pay to see. With their short flippers and rotund bodies, they'd just collapse into one another. Apparently two of the 16 went down with injuries during the preparations and they just up and replaced them. But I thought manatees were endangered. More shady envirotricks from the people who brought us Earth Hour!

Update: Here's a video of the tryout. Woohoo! Loogit that blubber fly!