Make A Ham Sandwich, Dunk It In Cream Sauce, And Call It A Croque Monsieur

I often wonder whether the infamous French grouchiness isn’t born of resentment over the fact that the most fertile, bountiful turf in all of the Western world has given them only the third-best cuisine, behind both Spain and Italy. That’s gotta blow. Everything grows in France, and beautifully, and then those damn…


Make Your Own Ramen, A Rich, Hearty Tribute To Your Terrible, Broke-Ass Meals Of Yesteryear

It seems like real-deal ramen has become a thing, which is cool. Ramen is great. Here’s an especially cool thing about ramen, though: we all get to say we were down with ramen before it was cool, because we were all slurping down bowls of ramen when it was just about the least cool thing imaginable. Behold!

Utica Greens Are The Dopest Meal You Can Make With "Greens" In The Name

We do this thing in my house where we arbitrarily shoehorn green things into the family diet, generally in quantities insufficient for any real nutritional purpose. Most often, this takes the form of a small bowl of sad lettuce splashed with cheap balsamic and presented as some sort of pre-dinner hazing ritual: We…


Burger King's Hot Dogs Are A Tasteful Middle Finger To Uppity Fast Food

Hey, bud, want a burrito? For real. I appreciate you: For the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you’re statistically unlikely to be the shrieky dude who lives upstairs. But mostly for the way you click. Damn, you click so good. So I would like to give you a burrito. Or more specifically, I would like to transfer…

Fast-Food Smackdown: Burger King's Jalapeño Chicken Fries Vs. Taco Bell's Quesalupa

Life, being pain, will sometimes trap even the most careful fast-foodie in the burgerless hellscape of a bullshit “real” restaurant that offers six total options: beef, chicken, this kind of fish, that kind of fish, some mushroom-pasta thing, and a wild card that is probably duck or beans. The meat-hunk choices seem…

How To Make A Pepperoni Cheese Football, And Two Other Super Bowl Party Delights

Whether you’re hosting or going to a Super Bowl party, you’re going to need food. Instead of mailing it in with a bag of tortilla chips, impress your friends by making one of these three no-cook meat dishes. We followed the recipes and tried our results, then sent the bologna cake back to hell, where it belonged.