Smackdown: Burger King's Extra Long BBQ Vs. McDonald's Jalapeño Double

At first glance, a horizontally oriented double cheeseburger doesn't seem very flashy: Mankind is well accustomed to taking our meals the long way. Cheesesteaks, ribs, roll-ups, Twinkies, wraps, corn, whatever the hell a hoagie is: All these and more have been served to us on the landscape setting since long before… » 8/13/14 2:36pm 8/13/14 2:36pm

How To Make Hushpuppies, Which Are Man's Second-Best Friend

You may already know one of the many (likely apocryphal) hushpuppy origin stories, in some form or another. A familiar one has an old-timey Deep South cook (possibly a slave, depending on the storyteller's willingness to acknowledge the foundational crime of American history) preparing food for some form of large,… » 8/09/14 10:22am 8/09/14 10:22am

Lay's Cappuccino Potato Chips Are Abominable

The other day, Deadspin's own Albert Burneko thoughtfully suggested we use pork in our New England clam chowder, which of course triggered the tiresome whine-siren of the Regional Food Authenticity Police, who are far more concerned with adhering to the exact chowder ingredients Tom Brady specified in the Mayflower… » 8/06/14 3:23pm 8/06/14 3:23pm

How To Ditch The Pillsbury Dough-Log And Make Your Own Cookies

Ah, the chocolate-chip cookie. Many a confectionery addiction kicked off the moment an impressionable youngster watched a vulgar blue puppet shovel platefuls of these things into his gaping, vacant mouth-hole. This obsession probably also explains why the Sexy Cookie Monster costume exists. (Related: I'm still… » 7/22/14 2:09pm 7/22/14 2:09pm

Fast-Food Fight: Subway's Pulled Pork Vs. Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Burger

There are three main founts of greasy innovation whence spring the majority of new fast-food items. The bulk originate in the wide and shallow Same Shit, Different Condiments pool; they are joined by more ambitious offerings from the genres of Cynical Stunt Food and Honest-to-Ronald Attempts to Introduce Nice New… » 7/18/14 2:54pm 7/18/14 2:54pm

How To Make Seafood Paella, Whether It's Traditional Or Not

Picture the scene! An early summer evening in Valencia, Spain, in the mid-19th century; an aromatic open fire of orange and pine branches, and pine cones, crackles happily in an orchard clearing. A wide, flat pan, enormous, two feet across, sits suspended over the flames. The men, their olde-thymey pants hitched… » 7/12/14 1:02pm 7/12/14 1:02pm

All Shock, No Awe: 7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded, Reviewed

Are you repulsed by the idea of eating prepared food from a convenience-store chain most notable for a sludgy cold-sugar drink with the word "slurp" in the name? Are you fundamentally opposed to having your lunch heated in a machine also used to reinvigorate yesterweek's Go-Go Taquitos? Are you not magnetically… » 7/08/14 3:45pm 7/08/14 3:45pm

God Save Dairy Queen: Scenes From The Fast-Food Franchise Wars

Manhattan's first Dairy Queen opened last month, its arrival heralded by months of agonizingly sincere public debate. Critics bemoaned the suburbanization of their precious city and exhorted responsible New Yorkers to patronize their nearest Mister Softee truck instead, rather than feed the soulless,… » 7/07/14 11:59am 7/07/14 11:59am

How To Make Macaroni Salad, The Very Least You Can Do

"Hey guys, we're having a [variety of outdoor cookout-y shindig] on [date] at [place], and we'd love for you to come! We'll have beer and [variety of greasy meat], and [dude] has agreed to whip up a batch of his famous [really fatty and gross but also kind of delicious side, probably with little pieces of bacon in… » 7/05/14 2:42pm 7/05/14 2:42pm

Here Is Your Independence Day Menu

Hey, it's Fourth of July weekend! Why it seems like only yesterday Paul Revere rowed his boat across the Independence River and discovered America or whatever—but it's been 700 years! Crazy. Spare a moment today to doff your mirrored wraparound gun-range goggles in respect for ol' Paul. Paul and the other guys. » 7/04/14 1:34pm 7/04/14 1:34pm

Runway Food Run Amok: Crowning Aspen's "King Of Porc"

After about 90 minutes at Grand Cochon in Aspen, Colorado, it all starts going to your head. Whether it's a function of being crowded into a century-old ballroom with hundreds of others at an altitude of 8,000 feet, the cumulative effect of spending three days treating wine as one of the four main food groups, or the… » 6/28/14 11:07am 6/28/14 11:07am

M&M's Flavors, Ranked

There's plenty to mock about the leaders of the dude-food movement—Fieri, Zimmern, the Epic Meal Timers—and their bag-tag army of regular doofs united by pork-themed t-shirts and their exaggerated disdain for small plates and Whole Foods. But we're not here to make fun of their indoor sunglasses or their spicy… » 6/25/14 2:22pm 6/25/14 2:22pm

How To Make Pancakes, A Marvel Of Labor And Science

The pancake—the notion of the pancake as a breakfast food—comes to us from an older time, a slower time, a time before boxed cereal. A time when your breakfast choices included grinding wheat into flour, mixing it with liquid, and cooking it, or else just chewing on some un-ground wheat like an asshole. Nobody… » 6/14/14 12:31pm 6/14/14 12:31pm