Deadspin: for your viewing pleasure

Seriously, Watch Football

Tuffy — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 12:45:13 EST

Your non-NFL vegetation fertilizer (hint: not a lot of options)...

• 3:00 - Movie: Edward Scissorhands [HBOP] - A troubled young man tries to find his place in the world despite having hands that damage him and everything around him. If you miss the start of this movie, Roy Williams plays for the Cowboys at 4:15.
• 4:00 - "Golf": ADT Skills Challenge [NBC] - ADT tries to secure a home safely enough to prevent John Daly from raiding its fridge.
• 4:00; 6:00 - Movies: The Love Bug; Herbie Rides Again [TCM] - We know, we know; how can you wait this long for the Herbie marathon to start? You must be hopping from one tire to the other. To the other. To the other.

Some Teams Get All the Brakes

Tuffy — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 11:45:52 EST

In which we make a bunch of money for the capitalists, the dogs are let out, and then there's bowl games as well.

• 12:00; 1:00 - Nonsense: Incredible Dog Challenge [ESPN] - We assume the challenge was to come up with more compelling useless filler than cheerleader competitions.
• 1:00 - College Football: Meineke Car Care Bowl: North Carolina vs. West Virginia [ESPN] - At halftime, a technician will come out to the 50-yard line to show you how filthy your air filter is. Also, your soul for telling your loved ones that a very important football game was on.
• 4:00 - College Basketball: West Virginia vs. Ohio State [CBS] - Man, people in West Virginia have absolutely no reason to venture outside today.
• 4:30 - College Football: Champs Sports Bowl: Florida State vs. Wisconsin [ESPN] - The battle of the huge disappointments... or as I like to call it, NBC's fall lineup! AMIRITE?!? HA! And now Kevin Eubanks and the Tonight Show band...
• 11:40; 1:20; 3:00; 4:35 - Movies: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo; Secret Admirer; License to Drive; Mannequin [Encore] - We'd totally understand if you passed on sports for the day, all things considered.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Josh Zerkle — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 11:45:37 EST

• 1:00 — Bowling: Lumber Liquidators PBA Tour Is there something with those 80s-ish PBA commercials on ESPN that I just don't get? Big hair and tight pants don't exactly inspire me to watch bowling on TV. Even if I do get to wear my own shoes. [ESPN]

• 2:00 — College Women's Soccer: NCAA Division I College Cup Final [ESPN2]

• 2:00 — College Men's basketball: Nebraska at Arizona State [FSN]

• 2:30 — Movie: Batman Begins [FX]

• 3:00 — Golf: Del Webb Father/Son Challenge, final round [NBC]

NFL Coverages detailed in our next post, so quit yer whinin'.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Josh Zerkle — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 11:00:08 EST

• NOON — CFB: Army vs. Navy, CBS. Pittsburgh at UConn, ESPN. East Carolina at Tulsa, ESPN2. NCAA Division II Semi-Final, ESPN Classic.

• 1:00 — CFB: Boston College vs. Virginia Tech, ABC. Movie: Kill Bill, Vol. 1, TNT.

• 2:30 — Golf: Del Webb Father/Son Challenge, first round, NBC.

• 3:00 — CFB: Washington at Cal, FSN.

• 3:15 — Movie: Kill Bill, Vol. 2, TNT.

• 3:30 — MCBB: Duke at Michigan, ESPN.

• 4:00 — CFB: Alabama vs. Florida, CBS.

• 4:30 — CFB: Southern Cal at UCLA, ABC.

• 5:30 — MCBB: Miami (FL) at Kentucky, ESPN.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: How to Stuff a Wild Deadspin

Tuffy — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 12:00:26 EST

• 3:00 — Movie: In the Valley of Elah [MAX] - Woman stands topless in front of you... "ma'am" could be taken as an insult.
• 3:30 — Golf: LG Skins Game, Back Nine [ABC] - After nine holes, Not Tiger is leading Not Tiger while Not Tiger has yet to earn a skin yet. If you're a betting reader, we'd take Not Tiger for the back nine. Or, you know, a nap. We'd take a nap.
• 4:00 — Nonsense: Holiday Celebration on Ice [NBC] - The conception is practically non-existent and you'll probably have to wait for decent execution until spring, but at least it's not the Skins Game.
• 4:15 — Movie: Pajama Party [TCM] - Tommy Kirk plays a Martian that has problems adjusting to normal society. How do we put this... "Martian" is a euphemism. Like if Todd Haynes directed a beach movie. Yes.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: It's a Hard-Knock Life for Us

Tuffy — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 12:20:02 EST

• 12:00 — Movie: Annie [ABC Family] - If your team loses today, you just stick out your chin and grin and say...
• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Georgia Tech at Georgia [CBS] - Stone Mountain will be leveled by the sheer force of will emitted from this game. This will not be enough to convince some that the Confederacy lost.
• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Virginia at Virginia Tech [ESPN] - Thankfully, both schools are located in the real Virginia, saving everyone the trouble of having to get passports updated.
• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - South Carolina at Clemson [ESPN2] - If Clemson wins, the state becomes the state of Clemson on all official documents for one year. If South Carolina wins, the state becomes the Land of Confusion in honor of Lou Holtz.
• 12:30 — Sport: College Football - Kansas at Missouri [FSN] - You can't fool us; these are different states. Sorry, Charlie!
• 1:00 — Sport: Golf - LG Skins Game, Front Nine [ABC] - LG is the sponsor because they realized they could give cells to each player to phone in their performances with.
• 2:30 — Sport: College Football - Bayou Classic: Grambling State vs. Southern [NBC] - Every year, we swear we're going to get into this game. Every year, we fall into a nap and miss the halftime show. Then we flip over to...
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - Florida at Florida State or Maryland at Boston College [ABC or ESPN] - Look, if you can't tell them apart by now, we can't help you.
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - North Carolina at Duke [ESPNU] - You can't fool us; these schools don't play football. Sorry, Charlie!
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - Auburn at Alabama [CBS] - You can call us BETTY.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Charlie Weis Should Do Pushups Everytime Notre Dame Scores

Enrico Campitelli Jr. — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 12:00:03 EST

• 12:00 — College Football: Navy vs. Notre Dame [CBS], Ohio State vs. Illinois [ESPN] - Navy looks to go streaking against Charlie Weis!
• 1:40 — Movie: White Men Can't Jump - D’s, motherfucker, D’s [Cinnemax]
• 2:30 — Do the Dew: World of Adventure Sports [NBC]
• 3:30 — College Football: Minnesota vs. Wisconsin or Maryland vs. UNC [ABC], South Carolina vs. Florida [CBS]
A quick reminder of what happened in South Bend last year:

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Is This How You Kids Go Hawaiian?

Tuffy — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 12:00:43 EST

• 12:00 — Biography: Donny and Marie Osmond [BIO] - "Well, you might like to hear some accordion; make that squeezebox swing." (This is our way to suggest that perhaps this is the day to clean out the eaves if you're not a fan of the football.)
• 12:00 — Sport: Tennis - Sony Ericsson Championships, Final [ESPN2] Venus Williams versus Vera Zvonareva. Vicious. (Confidential to WKND: This is Doha.)
• 1:30 — Sport: College Hockey - Notre Dame at Boston College [ESPNU] - We leave all our college hockey commentary to Geoff from Hoover Street Rag.
• 3:45 — Sport: Auto Racing - Sprint Cup: Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500 [ABC] - Under the new Chase for the Cup playoff rules instituted to keep fans jam-packed with entertainment until the last race, Jimmie Johnson has to race in Phoenix while strapped into a HANS device made entirely from cactus. (And this has been your NASCAR narrowcasting joke of the week.)

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Kristi Yamaguchi Also Has Free Nights and Weekends

Tuffy — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 12:00:48 EST

• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Michigan at Minnesota [ESPN] and Ohio State at Northwestern [ESPN2] - Your Big Ten liver warmups. (Also, Baylor at Texas on FSN and Syracuse at Rutgers on ESPNU.)
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - Alabama at LSU [CBS], Stanford at Oregon [FSN], and Regional Potpourri Theatre (Clemson at Florida State, Oklahoma at Texas A&M, Penn State at Iowa, Your Mom at Our Pants) [ABC].
• 4:00 — Nonsense: Kristi Yamaguchi Friends and Family [NBC] - Special guest star: KITT! He rips through a barnburner version of "Mister Zamboni Man" that will leave your toes tappin' and your foot fungus in the rental skates for the next person. (Honestly, Kristi would open a 7-11 in East Flatbush if you asked nicely enough. And maybe the East Flatbush Herald-Yanker will send a photog?)
• 4:30 — Sport: Auto Racing - Nationwide Series: Hefty Odor Block 200 [ESPN2] - Daddy always said we couldn't drive our way out of a Hefty Odor Block bag. Daddy always took care of his sponsors.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Marcel Mutoni — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 12:00:00 EST

• NFL: NY Jets @ Buffalo, 1:00pm, [CBS]

• NFL: Baltimore @ Cleveland, 1:00p.m. [CBS]

• NFL: Green Bay @ Tennessee, 1:00p.m. [FOX]

• NFL: Houston @ Minnesota, 1:00p.m. [CBS]

• NFL: Arizona @ St. Louis, 1:00p.m. [FOX]

• Running: ING New York City Marathon, 3 p.m. [NBC] (same-day tape)

• College women's volleyball: Arizona @ Arizona State, 3:30p.m. [FSN]

• NFL: Miami @ Denver, 4:05p.m. [CBS]

• NFL: Philadelphia @ Seattle, 4:15p.m. [FOX]

• NFL: Dallas @ NY Giants 4:15p.m. [FOX]

• Movie: Super Troopers, 6p.m. [Comedy Central]

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Marcel Mutoni — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 12:00:00 EDT

• CFB: Northwestern at Minnesota, 12:00 p.m. [ESPN2]

• CFB: Wisconsin at Michigan State, 12:00 p.m. [ESPN]

• PGA Tour: Ginn sur Mer Classic (Third Round), 1:30 p.m. [Golf Channel]

• CFB: Pittsburgh at Notre Dame, 2:30 p.m. [NBC]

• CFB: Regional coverage: Florida State at Georgia Tech; Iowa at Illinois; Iowa State at Oklahoma State; or Oregon at California, 3:30 p.m. [ABC and ESPN]

• CFB: Florida at Georgia, 3:30 p.m. [CBS]

• NASCAR: Nationwide Series, O'Reilly Challenge, 3:30 p.m. [ESPN2]

• Movie: How High, 6 p.m. [Comedy Central]

For Your Viewing Pleasure: She Can Strip Your Gears

Tuffy — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:00:35 EDT

• 2:00 — Sport: Auto Racing - Sprint Cup: Pep Boys Auto 500 (from Atlanta Motor Speedway) [ABC] - Jimmie Johnson haters, this may be your last chance to imagine a world where Jimmie Johnson isn't your Sprint Cup champion.
• 3:00 — Sport: Soccer - Los Angeles Galaxy vs. FC Dallas [TeleFutura] - David Beckham haters, this may be your last chance to get your hate on in this continent.
• 4:15 — Movie: Spinout [TCM] - "When her motor's warm, and she's purrin' sweet/Buddy let me warn ya', you're on a one-way street". Elvis just speaks to us sometimes, you know?
Your football lineups follow shortly...

For Your Viewing Pleasure: A Cross-Country Demolition Blog Post Without Rules

Tuffy — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 12:00:58 EDT

• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Texas Tech vs. Kansas [ESPN] - Not pictured: Texas, Oklahoma State and Oklahoma lining up to help expand the rear entry opened wide by Kansas.
• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Illinois vs. Wisconsin [ESPN2] - The Beloit, WI/South Beloit, IL Border War heats up. Beloit College becomes a war college. South Beloit continues to be a war zone.
• 12:00 — Sport: College Football - Minnesota vs. Purdue [ESPN3 Classic] - Places where we made out with college girls for $200, Alex.
• 1:00 — Sport: Breeders' Cup [ABC] - Two and a half hours of fluffing; two and a half minutes of turf pounding. Continued at 3:30 pm on ESPN and off-track betting stations in well-connected states of this and other Unions.
• 1:30 — Movie: Cannonball! [Showtime Beyond] - Bruce Lee would have driven with more intensity, creativity, and used actual facial movements.
• 2:00 — Nonsense: "The JB Awards" [CBS] - We're pretty sure reruns of questionable award shows are against FCC guidelines.
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - Georgia vs. LSU [CBS] - #9 vs. #11 in the Unfortunate Numerology Bowl.
• 3:30 — Sport: College Football - UCLA vs. Cal [ABC] - Prop 8 would declare this matchup illegal. Won't you think of the children? Vote "WTF" on Prop 8.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Sarah Schorno — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 12:00:00 EDT

• Noon NHL: NHL: Tampa Bay vs. New York Rangers [Versus]
• 1:05 MLB: Philadelphia at Milwaukee [TBS]
• 2:00 NASCAR: Amp Energy 500 [ABC]
• 2:30 NHL: Ottawa vs. Pittsburgh [Versus]
• 3:00 PGA: Turning Stone Resort Championship, Final Round [Golf]
• 4:00 LPGA: Samsung World Championship, Final Round [NBC]
• 4:05 MLB: Tampa Bay at Chicago White Sox [TBS]
• 5:00 WNBA: Finals, Game 3, San Antonio at Detroit [ESPN2]

NFL coverage maps and announcing schedules can be found at Awful Announcing.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Shut Up, Shark Bait!

Enrico Campitelli Jr. — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 12:00:14 EDT

• 1:00 — NFL: Green Bay @ Tampa [FOX] — Here is your full NFL distribution map.
• 1:10 — MLB: Marlins @ Mets [MLB.tv] — Heimlich!
• 2:05 — MLB: Cubs @ Brewers [MLB.tv] — CC Sabathia can prove his mettle with a win today.
• 1:30 — Outdoors: Bill Dance Outdoors [Versus] — Because if you're not actually going to leave your house, you can at least see what it looks like outdoors.
• 1:30 — Movie: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach [Comedy Central]
• 4:15 — NFL: Washington @ Dallas [FOX] — Apparently, Emmit Smith doesn't think Terrell Owens is a "true Cowboy."

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Leave the Ball, Take a Walk to the Dugout

Enrico Campitelli Jr. — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 11:30:13 EDT

• 12:00 — Golf: PGA Tour Championship [NBC] - Kim vs. Sergio for a Ryder Cup rematch.
• 12:00 — College Football: Michigan State @ Indiana [ESPN] - Unfortunately, this is not a basketball game.
• 1:00 — College Football: Wisconsin (9) @ Michigan [ABC]
• 1:10 — MLB: Marlins @ Mets [MLB.tv] - Forecasts call for rain and a bullpen explosion.
• 3:55 — MLB: Nationals @ Phillies, Cubs @ Brewers, Yankees @ Boston, KC @ Minny [FOX] - Watch Master Moyer and learn.
• In Progress — Movie: Knocked Up [Cinemax] - I'm just traying not to stare.
• 12:00 — Movie: The Godfather [A&E] - Either his brains or his signature would be on the contract.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Marcel Mutoni — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 11:35:45 EDT

• In Progress — Golf: Ryder Cup [NBC]
• 12:00 — College Football: East Carolina at North Carolina State [ESPN]

• 1:00 — MLB: Boston at Toronto [TBS]
• 3:00 — College Football: Arizona at UCLA [FSN]
• 3:30 — College Footballl: Florida at Tennessee [CBS]
• 3:55 — MLB: Minnesota at Tampa Bay [FOX]
• 3:55— MLB: Milwaukee at Cincinnati [FOX]
• 7:30 — Movie: Casino Royale [Showtime]

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Shall We Play a Game?

Enrico Campitelli Jr. — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 12:15:11 EDT

• 1:00 — NFL: Oakland @ Kansas City [CBS] — This is a National Fucking Football League game where one head coach may be playing for his job ... in week two. Hopefully I will not get fired after day two.
• 1:00 — NFL: Bears @ Carolina [FOX] — Get to know Matt Forte and Kyle Orton.
Here's the link to the NFL broadcasting distribution maps.
• 1:30 — MLB: Toronto Blue Jays @ Boston Red Sox [TBS] — At least it's not the Yankees.
• 2:00 — Bowling: US Women's Open [ESPN] — Bowling with the ladies is more romantic when it's in Romeoville, Ill.
• In Progress — Movie: WarGames [AMC] — How about Global Thermonuclear War.
• 3:00 — Movie: My Cousin Vinny [A&E] — Any movie that features Joe Pesci in flashy suits is alright in my book. While Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for her performance, it's not as memorable as the one she gives in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Whoa.
• 4:00 — NFL: New England @ NY Jets [CBS] — Dilemma: Do you cheer for Cassel even though he's on the Pats or for the Gunslinger? At least we can hope for Belichick and Mangini to kill each other.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Let the River Run, Indeed

Tuffy — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:45:09 EDT

• 12:00 — College Football: Navy vs. Duke [ESPNU] - Get to know the young men that you will silently curse when they blow by you for promotions in six years.
• 2:30 — Movie: Working Girl [A&E] - Joan Cusack only lost this Oscar because she had to compete in the Best Supporting Actress category with her co-stars in this movie, specifically Sigourney Weaver and her own hair.
• 3:30 — College Football: Michigan vs. Notre Dame [NBC] - This game was last relevant when that haircut was.
• 3:30 — College Football: Georgia vs. South Carolina [CBS] - Get to know the young men that you will loudly curse when they blow an assignment over the middle in three years for your local professional football franchise. (By the way, pack a lunch.)
• 3:30 — MLB Baseball: Spin the Wheel [FOX] - We guess one of these games might happen: Atlanta Braves-New York Mets, Detroit Tigers-Chicago White Sox, Milwaukee Brewers-Philadelphia Phillies. Seems like swimming upstream to us, though. (By the way, one cannot swing one's deceased feline without bouncing off a college football game kicking off at 3:30 pm. Plan your back injury that prevents you from completing the yardwork accordingly.)

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Sarah Schorno — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 12:30:00 EDT

• Postponed - NASCAR Sprint Cup race will be held tomorrow.
• In progress - College Football - check here for national breakdown.
• In progress - PGA: BMW Championship, Third Round [NBC]
• In progress - Tennis: US Open [CBS]
• 2:00 - Movie: The Replacements [Cinemax]
• 3:30 - Phillies at Mets, Detroit at Minnesota, or Arizona at Los Angeles Dodgers [Fox]
• 3:30 - San Diego State at Notre Dame [CBS]