As we now know, the man is actor Michael Cerveris, a Broadway veteran who plays a character called the Observer in a teevee program I refuse to name because it's all so goddamn stupid. According to this Variety story, Fox's staffers have cheekily taken to calling the campaign "Where's Baldo?" He's shown up at football games, NASCAR races, American Idol — just about anywhere he can get within range of a Fox camera, thus enabling the network to furiously jerk itself off. This morning, we had thought that included yesterday's All-Star Game, but then, in response, came the following e-mail from reader Aaron that has made us question everything we've ever believed:

... but in an even more akward [sic] twist- all that was filmed at the Home Run Derby and used last night in the telecast. It wasn't live. Some pics below, including one where I finally was like, "What the fuck is going on with you man?" where he proceeded to be pretty damn cool and take a picture with me.

That photo is the one above. Here's another:

Aaron reports that he was seated in roughly the same area last night and didn't see the guy. If it's true, and Yuppie Gollum wasn't actually at the game last night, this means that Fox dicked around with a live sports broadcast, splicing in day-old video that's more or less a commercial and presenting it as live, undoctored footage. This seems particularly evil, and by an order of magnitude worse than that time they let Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore cross-promotionally dry-hump all over the Busch Stadium infield.

Maybe Fox had its reasons for taping the Observer on Monday. I can think of only one: It's probably unwise to let an actor known for playing John Wilkes Booth anywhere near an event the president will be attending.

*******

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky will be on later tonight. Now, Big Star:

The plot: Strahan plays a retired football star named "Michael Trainor," in order to avoid him forgetting his own name on set. Strahan moves to home to be with his parents and his brother, "Chill," (real creative writing there) who is in a wheelchair and also owns a sports bar. As the pilot unfolds we learn that the restaurant is failing and Michael has somehow lost his NFL millions. So now the two brothers are living at home with their parents and if that's not a recipe for hijinks, I don't know what it is.

The comedic possibilities are endless. Cripple jokes! White boy jokes! Gap teeth jokes! Daryl Mitchell is a pretty likable guy and he's actually paralyzed so that's some legitimate diversity. Strahan is surprisingly not terrible as an actor. It has C.C.H. Pounder! Everyone loves her, right? And the dad has certain ROC like qualities about him. Some of the jokes are not actually "jokes," but that never stopped Everybody Loves Raymond.

Fox may be on to something here. CBS cornered the market on bland inoffensive comedy shows, and despite what you hip youngster might say about them, that market is huge. So Fox is answering with an inoffensive black family sitcom, that is not produced by Tyler Perry, and won't scare off old white people. It's like The Cosby Show meets Two and Half Men, without all that racial stuff.

This thing will either last 15 years or be canceled in the first week.

But right now the Yankees are losing 16 - 2 to Cleveland and Fox is sticking with this game, instead of going to the Cardinals vs Cubs game.

ALERT THE ACLU, BRO! Mercifully, I don't have to find a moving way to say "get some perspective hater" because the Times ran this tearjerker today.

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available in stores and online here, and makes a lovely Christmas gift for the chronic masturbator in your life. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

In 1994, Fox introduced the FoxBox for the very first time to NFL viewers. No, the FoxBox wasn’t a picture of Tracy Pollan’s snatch (HEY-O!!!!). It was the first-ever permanent onscreen graphic that showed you the score of a football game.

Now, this was very good. Before then, the only way you knew the score of the game was coming in and out of commercials. Only sometimes, they wouldn’t show you the score even then, because they were assholes. So I’m glad FOX head David Hill brought the FoxBox into my life, thereby forcing all other broadcast networks to follow suit. Now you and I can watch a game and know the score, which is kind of useful. Makes you wonder why they didn’t think of it before, you know, nineteen ninety-fucking-seven.

I’m also grateful for CBS’ introduction of StatTrax a few years back, which keeps a permanent crawl of other game scores and stats going on the bottom of the screen. This way, I don’t have to get up and walk over to the computer to know that Laveranues Coles has FUCKING FAILED ME YET AGAIN. I play fantasy football, like all of you do (and for you holdouts, kindly go choke on your own shit), so seeing those stats is important, particularly if I’m at a bar or somewhere without web access.

But alas, I still find network scoring graphics to be woefully inadequate. Now, I have DirecTV. So I can bring up real-time scores on the Sunday Ticket menu any time I wish. Which is better than eating bread pudding while receiving a blowjob. But what of those folks who can’t afford Sunday Ticket, or can’t even get access to it? Well, they get hosed on their stats. And that won’t do. Here now, are a couple way to improve the on-screen graphics during gameplay:

FOX must adapt the CBS StatTrax. I’m more apt to watch a game on CBS than Fox simply because CBS displays more stats from other games. Fuck, sometimes I don’t even pay attention to the game. I’m just looking to see the stats move (Cutler got 15 more passing yards! WOOHOO!) FOX just has that little score ticker in the upper right hand corner. Hey FOX, you’re behind the curve. Get with the goddamn times.

If a score changes elsewhere, tell us WHY. Whoa, the Steelers just scored another touchdown? Well, fucking how? I MUST KNOW THIS INSTANT. I demand real-time score alerts, with a little drop down graphic that tells you who scored and how. Is it that hard to flash “Ward – 15 yd TD rec” on the screen? I say no. FOX used to run little score updates on the bottom of the screen with their “duhduhduh DUH DUH DUH!” chime, that told you the most recent scoring play. BRING THAT SHIT BACK.

Also, more Game Breaks please. Those things are little oases of goodness in the shitty game I have to watch. How many game breaks do you get a game? Five? UNACCEPTABLE. I demand fifty of them.

Provide injury updates. This is always fun. You’re checking the scroll to see how your fantasy running back is doing, let’s say Larry Johnson. Only, when the StatTrax comes along, it says that Jamaaal Charles has 15 rushes for 56 yards or something like that. Well, excuse me Mr. Stat Man, BUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING GUY?! Is he hurt? Was he benched? Did he die? Why is this other asshole getting the carries now? I’M IN THE DAAAAARK HERE! Jesus.

Run the yardage leader graphics all fucking game. You know at the half, when they show you the day’s leaders in rushing, passing, and receiving? I love that. Again, there’s no reason not to implement this for the rest of the broadcast. Why do I have to wait until halftime for this shit? I WANT IT NOW, YOU PRICKS!

I realize that many of these graphic improvements will leave little room for actual gameplay. But honestly, half these teams are murder to watch anyway. You’re not missing anything. I want my fucking information, CBS and FOX. And I know damn well the only reason you don’t give me more stats and updates is so the NFL can get more people to sign up for DirecTV and buy Sunday Ticket. Don’t think I don’t know what the fuck you’re up to. You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Redskins at Ravens: Say, is Sunday Night Football sponsored by Sprint? I had no idea. They’re so subtle about it.

Eagles at Giants: One of the more humorous things I saw last weekend were the NFL Play60 ads with Donovan McNabb, which talk seriously about all the ways the NFL is promoting a more “active generation”. According to nfl.com, the program has two objectives:

1. Engaging youth and families in every community to make the next generation the most active and healthy generation.

Now, I find it rather humorous that the NFL is trying to promote a healthy generation when the average NFL player doesn’t live past the age of fucking 52. Here is the second objective of the program:

Helping reverse the childhood obesity trend by 2012

One of the sponsors for the NFL’s effort to get kids from being 400 lb. mongoloids who can only move by slithering around on their own belly grease? Frosted Flakes. Yes, nothing takes off the pounds quite like a bowl of pure sucrose. It may also be difficult for the NFL to get kids to stop being fat, considering that 90% of the ads they see on NFL telecasts are for beer, or for Bob Evans’ new chicken fried chicken deep dish dinner.

Ah, but it gets even better. Go to the Play60 website and you’ll find messages from additional spokesmen like Vernon Davis. Because no one embodies self-discipline quite like Vernon Davis. Why, he hasn’t accosted a girl in over two months! Pretty good for a Maryland grad!

The site also features numerous tips on how to stay fit. Of course, these tips are submitted by readers, so they’re less tips than retarded brain drippings:

FOOTBALLPRO4 shouted on November 20, 2008, 7:55 pm
I PLAY QB AND THE SKINS BETTER GO TO THE SUPER BOWL

KEVIN shouted on November 9, 2008, 10:34 am
go ladianian tomilson rules CHARGERS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

harlie shouted on November 4, 2008, 5:38 pm
i wish bob sanders came to my school

Mikey shouted on November 4, 2008, 5:38 pm
if you dont play football your weak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kids on this site do burn lots of calories with their excessive typing.

Cowboys at Steelers: I’m really beginning to loathe the Roy Williams Rule on horse collar tackling. You’re chasing a receiver or running back from behind. You’re trying to get hold of him any way you fucking can. Who gives a shit if you grab his collar? His pads are strapped on. They aren’t going anywhere. You aren’t gonna garrote the fucker if you take him down that way. He’ll live. Let defenders grab what they need to grab to take the guy down: his collar, his scrotum, whatever.

Bucs at Panthers: Holy shit, is Jeff Garcia annoying to play against. HOLD STILL, YOU LITTLE FRECKLY BASTARD.

Four Throwgasms

Falcons at Saints

Three Throwgasms

Dolphins at Bills: Did you know Josh Reed is still on the Bills? Jesus. Shouldn’t he have been released, oh, five years ago? You were supposed to be a good sleeper back in 2003, you bastard!

Anyway, this game represents phase one in the NFL’s grand plan to move the Bills to Toronto in such a gradual fashion that the people of Buffalo (and America, for that matter) fail to notice. With more on this is our Canadian correspondent Gourmet Spud:

“Hey Bills players - tired of being booed by your home fans just because you dropped a must-win against the 49ers, all but eliminating you from the playoffs? Well, you won't have to worry about that in Toronto. And it's not because Canadian fans are overly polite. It's because there will be so few of them at the game, you won't be able to hear it.

“Yep, less than a week away from kick-off, and it's still not sold out. Some blame it on the fact that organizers paid way too much to bring the team here, leading to a ridiculously overpriced pre-season/regular season ticket package that turned many fans off. Most blame it on the fact that The Barenaked Ladies will be in town. Factor in Ted Rogers's dying, and it's looking less likely that the Bills will end up in Toronto, and more likely that they'll end up doing what most people from Buffalo do to become successful - move to Los Angeles (see Gallo, Vincent; Hershiser, Orel; and Goo Dolls, Goo).”

Two Throwgasms

Jaguars at Bears: According to leather-bound Tom Brady submissive Andrea Kremer, Lovie Smith told his team at halftime last week that, “There are two halves of football.” Well, he’s got one up on Jack Del Rio, who still thinks each game is divided into seven trimesters.

Texans at Packers
Jets at 49ers

One Throwgasm

Vikings at Lions: I have a theory about the Lions tank job against the Titans last week. Now I know they’re fucking terrible. And they’re poorly coached. But I think the Lions know, in their heart of hearts, that they only have chance to win a game for the rest of the year, and it’s this Minnesota game. They knew they had no shot against the Titans, so why bother?

They should have beat the Vikings in their last matchup, only to get ripped off at the end by a terrible PI call. So I think they laid down like dogs on Turkey Day not only because they’re all turds, but because they’ve put all their eggs into this basket. This is the one. If they don’t win this one, it’s all over. And as a Viking fan, I have to say, I am scared shitless. At least the Williams boys got a temporary injunction. AND the judge didn't schedule any new hearings yet. God bless the lazy, interminable nature of the judicial system.

Bengals at Colts: Peyton Manning’s been growing his hair out lately, and he’s starting to look so much like Archie Manning, it’s starting to freak me the fuck out. No wonder he turned the ball over 3 times last week.

Raiders at Chargers: Lotta punts in this one. Last week, I watched a punter coffin corner a punt, and I always love it when the line judge starts walking up the sideline to note where the punt went out of bounds. You never know when he’s gonna stop! He’s just like the Price Is Right mountain climber:

Way to overbid on that Cheer detergent, lady. You just sent Sir Edmund Hilary to cold and brutal death. I’d love to see a line judge just keep on walking until he got to the one-yard line on the other side of the field, just to fuck with people.

Browns at Titans: Something needs to be done about Netflix’s website, by the way. They must have the shittiest new movie browsing mechanism ever devised. I click to browse new releases. What comes up? Fred Claus. Who THE FUCK wants to watch that goddamn movie? No one, that’s who. WALL*E is out now, but you’d never know it if you browsed the Netflix site. 88 Minutes? Go to hell, you dicks. I don’t pay you people $10 a month just so you can recommend August Rush. When you click on the new releases section at Netflix, there should be a giant sign that says HOLY FUCK! THE DARK KNIGHT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY! PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING QUEUE NOW, DICKSNOT!

Patriots at Seahawks: Speaking of DVDs, I’ve seen just about enough ads for the Wanted DVD. I get it, Angelina Jolie. You’re all hot and edgy! Oooh, you’ve got tattoos. You’re so WILD! With your pouty lips and four hundred kids! Yeah, you’re about as dangerous as a fucking Maroon 5 album. And Wanted is a retarded movie. “Curve the bullet”? I asked for an action flick. I don’t want fucking Looney Tunes.

Chiefs at Broncos
Rams at Cardinals

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Only,” by Anthrax. Armored Saint lead singer John Bush joined Anthrax in 1992 after they fired original singer Joey Belladonna. The result is the above song, five minutes of sheer balls-pummelling awesomeness. When I was 17, I used to drive a hand-me-down Oldsmobile back and forth to my busboy job. It was originally my grandmother’s. She paid EXTRA money to have the air conditioning taken out of the car, and for an AM-only radio. My only solace from tooling around in this motorized hotbox of death was driving really fucking fast with the windows open (to help air flow) while listening to this song.

Anthrax also did a video off this album for the song “Black Lodge,” which features a young Jenna Elfman getting strapped to a chair and then hand-raped by a creepy old guy.

Boy, I really didn’t need to see that again. No wonder she turned out to be a Scientologist. You don’t come out of a video like that without a few mental scars. Good song, though.

Embarassing Discography I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

The first five Lenny Kravitz albums. No clue why I liked Lenny Kravitz for so many years. I must have just really liked the idea of working in a Banana Republic or something. I had an extended period where I liked everything Lenny Kravitz did. But now I leap across football fields to change the radio dial if one of his songs come on. There are a handful of artists in my life that have inspired in me such a dramatic shift from love to hate. Fountains of Wayne is one. Weezer is the other. I swear to God, if I ever hear “Island In The Sun” again, I’ll go on a seven-state arson spree.

And why are half of Lenny’s songs about Jesus? Sy Kravitz can’t be too pleased about that.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Deangelo Williams. Oh, look who decides to start tearing up the league NOW, only after fucking over every damn fantasy owner for the past three fucking years. This asshole couldn’t beat out Deshaun Foster for carries, and now he’s a world beater? YOU MAKE ME SICK, WILLIAMS. GO STICK YOUR DICK IN A PAPER SHREDDER.

Five Potential Key Injuries
-Aaron Rodgers (shoulder)
-Plaxico Burress (huge life-symbolizing metaphor)
-Calvin Johnson (apathy)
-Gary Brackett (punctured eye)
-Fred Robbins (thigh tuck)

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide pick of the Titans was correct, which makes me 10-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Tennessee, Tampa, Carolina, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick? Minnesota (GAH! JINX!), and shooting yourself in leg. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s CAREER suicide. Silly me.

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“This week, I like Atlanta getting 3 points on the road against the Saints. Hey oceanographers, stop tagging me with fucking tracking devices. I got enough holes in my fin to go to Lilith Fair. Maybe if you tagged yourself a few Jew ears, you could figure out where all that stock market money is disappearing to.”

2008 Nazi Shark Record: 3-8

Great Moments In Sports Poop History
I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I’ll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper!

“Mavs-Heat, Game 5, 2006 Finals. Big Mavs fan. I spent that Sunday afternoon with my girlfriend with plans to watch the game together. We don’t live together and aren’t to the point where we shit while the other one’s in the apartment. We hit an Indian buffet for an early dinner and 15 minutes after plowing through three plates I feel the unmistakable rumble of a Punjabi curry comet approaching escape velocity.

“I consider defiling her toilet but she lives in a small one bedroom and there’s no turning on the shower to mask what’s about to happen. I come up with a story ASAP (which is actually true) about how I’ll be too much of a prick to be around during the game so I’d rather watch it by myself. I’m clenching my cheeks and standing on my toes as I run-walk back to my truck. I hit the road and make it 11.5 of the twelve miles back to my place.

“I’m sweating profusely, sound like I’m in labor, and pull off into a side street and into an empty parking lot with a bamboo grove blocking the view to the street. I fire a grizzly salvo into the leaves, wipe with the boxers and throw ‘em on the hot, wet mess. It wasn’t until the ordeal was over that I realized I had just shit on a church. Karma’s a motherfucker. -Colin”

Dude, just poop in the girl’s apartment. You shit on a church because God was trying to tell you something.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Jim Haslett
Tom Cable
Mike Singletary
Rod Marinelli
Herm Edwards
Norv Turner
Romeo Crennel
Gary Kubiak
Jack Del Rio
Mike McCarthy
Lovie Smith

Lovie gets on strictly for that “two halves of football” speech. What a nimrod. Also, Marvin Lewis gets taken off the chopping block after reports this week that Mike Brown will not fire him. I should have known better. The Bengals buy out contracts about as often as I watch films by Baz Luhrmann.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Whoopie pies! It’s like a chocolatey hamburger with lard in the middle. Or a very round Suzy Q. Mmmmm. Oreo has new snack cakes out called Cakesters. You can’t fool me, Oreo people. That’s a fucking whoopee pie and you know it.

One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"Don’t you dare stop, you fucking hot rod, you."

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Hoegaarden! So very dirty-sounding. So very tasty.

Random FKS-Style Tidbit

This is Steve Burns, original host “Blue’s Clues.” I watch reruns of this show with my kid every day. Steve is all right. He and I are cool. But the new host who replaced Steve in 2002? Well, that asshole’s name is Joe. AND JOE LICKS BALLS.

Look at this guy. What a douche. He’s clearly trying too hard to be popular. Steve was way cooler. And Joe’s new opening song for the show is gay. “Another Blue’s Clues day… HOORAY!” Yeah, whatever Joe (which isn’t even your real name, DONOVAN). You make a lousy step-host. Even Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper think you look like a tool in that dipshit sweater you wear. STEVE ROOLZ!

Robert Evans’ MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL’s MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

“Baby, your front-runner for the NFL’s MVP thus far is Ray Lewis of the Ravens. Tough? You bet! Edgy? Damn right. I know the fella has had a scrape or two with the law, but that’s just the kind of street experience that gets you far in this town, baby! I remember when we were casting for The Cotton Club, we only wanted soul brothers with at least six stabbings on their resume. There are some things you just can’t ACT, and loving to cut people open is one of them!”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

The Hollywood Knights. Just an absolute treasure chest of a movie. It’s like American Graffiti, only it has tits, and farting, and flaming bags of shit, and urinating in punch bowls. Plus upskirt cheerleader shots. Tuck THAT into your chin flaps, George Lucas. Plus it has Robert Wuhl in his only tolerable role ever as Newbomb Turk. “Good night, Officer Lawnmower!” I still can’t believe Newbomb turned down a chance to nail Fran Drescher. SHE WAS IN HEAT, TURK!

They played this flick on Showtime late nights every week when I was a kid. And if you don’t think I wanted to reenact the assembly scene every time I had to attend a real assembly at school, then you don’t know me all that well. God, I really need to see this movie again now. Skip all the parts with Tony Danza, by the way. They’re pointless.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace ‘accidentally’ with ‘repeatedly’ and replace ‘dog’ with ‘son’.”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: The extremely fetching Mila Kunis. I liked Forgetting Sarah Marshall and thought it was pretty funny. But c’mon. Like Mila and Kristen Bell would ever really fight over THAT guy. I haven’t seen a screenwriter have a wet dream like that since Leaving Las Vegas.
-For the gals: One Tree Hill star Chad Michael Murray. So dreamy.

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“I’M A LEAD FARMER, MOTHERFUCKER!”
-Kirk Lazurus

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Photoshop by 289.

Since 2007 Fox has broadcast the BCS Games. Sure, this was a little awkward because Fox didn't carry college football on the network during the regular season, but it worked. Kind of. Now, ESPN has done what ESPN usually does — gone and outbid the competition for the rights. (Doesn't it kind of make you wonder why ESPN didn't buy them initially?) Fox paid $320 million to broadcast the games from 2007-2010. ESPN is prepared to pay more. And now, like all bidding wars, the two parties are sniping back and forth at one another.

From CBS Sports:

"We are currently in the process of finalizing with ESPN a television rights agreement for the BCS games that will be played January 2011 through January 2014," BCS coordinator John Swofford said. "ESPN has been a great supporter of college football and we are excited to be completing a future deal that will give them an even larger presence in the postseason."

This, of course, has not endeared ESPN to the head honchos at Fox. "Even with today's vast economic uncertainties, Fox Sports made a very competitive bid to keep broadcasting BCS games free to every home in America, one that included a substantial rights fee increase, and certainly as much as any over-the-air network could responsibly risk," Fox spokesman Lou D'Ermilio wrote in an e-mail.

What does all this mean? That ESPN now controls every major bowl game in America. Yep, ESPN has a monopoly on bowl season. Guess what that also means? No playoff until 2014 at the earliest. And even then it's not likely. Why? Because ESPN needs the programming content of more bowl games than a college football playoff would ultimately allow. Yeah, 34 bowls might suck for the average fan, but that's perfect for a voracious sports programming network. Don't believe me? With this deal ESPN/ABC will now televise 29 of the 34 match-ups. Check it out for yourself at this year's bowl television schedule. Go ahead and plug in ESPN for every Fox telecast except the Cotton Bowl. Bowl season monopoly—thy name is ESPN.

At least we know that ESPN always represents the best interests of sports fans. I'm sure the network would never stand in the way of a playoff when the New Mexico Bowl is already scheduled.

What else does this teach us? That college presidents and the BCS can't claim they're doing this for any reason other than more television money. After all their pompous talk about academics, in the end, it's all about the money, yo.

Fuck all of you.

Fox opts out of BCS after 2010, ESPN close to finalizing deal [CBS]

2008 Bowl Television Schedule [College Football Bowl Schedule]

UPDATE: This deal was already in place back in April for the BCS to continue through 2014. ESPN just simply "bought" those rights, but will just own the television rights, not the BCS. But BCS coordinator John Swofford said he's willing "to listen" to President elect Obama's idea for a playoff. [ESPN]

Yes, we're at war, our economy is a hellstorm of failure and strife, and our leaders continue to bicker with each other in a neverending scorched Earth propaganda battle, but ... never forget that there are sinister enemies out there who want to kill us in our sleep. Oh, wait ... and we have grown men playing sport to distract us from all that. Have fun everybody!

• Credits: "WORLD SERIES '08 TEASE
WRITER + PRODUCER: MICHAEL HUGHES
DESIGN + ANIMATION: CLAY LIPSKY & JASON BOGNACKI
AUDIO: JIM MITCHELL"
Via here

Anyway, do you like the Jim Gray? Do you not like the Jim Gray? Let us know.

By the way, there is not a second vote for his hair, or a debate about who would win in a fight between Gray and Mitch Albom.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

This is going to run daily, until you decide you don't like it anymore, and then we'll scrap it and pretend it never happened. We are not going to give any of our own thoughts: We want you to go into the polling place with no outside influence. It's nice and simple: Do you approve of the job a particular media member does, or not?

We kick off the series with FOX's Troy Aikman, the lead analyst for the NFL. Vote freely, to your heart's content.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Just click the appropriate button on the "censor setting" page here, and you can either carry on like Tommy Lasorda, or Ned Flanders. Because life is exactly like that, you know? It's like having a devil and an angel on each shoulder at all times. So I signed up and went in there, clicked on "censor," and went to the home run derby story comments, where I wrote "I like tits." Hey, who doesn't? The comment immediately showed up like this: "I like BLEEP." I wonder how many words are flagged. Who made up the list? Is asshat on there? Craptacular? Titmouse? Hmm.

From Fox: "Feeling brave, mature, and adult-ish? Or just want to get in touch with your inner sailor? You can choose to have FOX Sports do nothing, and leave all those R-rated words alone. If you do, you may see some coarse language from time to time in the community. Don't say we didn't warn you!"

Cursing, on the Internets? Certainly not!

FoxSports.com Goes Brezhnev on Us [SportsbyBrooks]

Piniella said that expecting similar production (from A's shortstop Marco Scutaro, who hit well in the divisional series against Minnesosta) would be "like finding a wallet on a Friday night and looking for one on Sunday and Monday, too."

Four minutes later, they had moved to different subjects and Piniella said something in Spanish. "The bilingual Lou Piniella," Brennaman said.

Lyons said: "Lou's habla'ing some Espa ol there, and I'm still looking for my wallet. I don't understand him and I don't want to sit close to him now." The three laughed and continued calling the game.

After the clever "habla'ing some Espa ol" line, I'm not sure I even understand what Lyons is saying there. He doesn't want to sit next to Lou Piniella because he's speaking Spanish? Lou Piniella steals wallets because of his Hispanic heritage? I don't know what he's saying. I don't get the joke enough to even know how much of it's racist, and how much it's just Steve Lyons being a total doofus. Given his track record, though, I don't blame Fox for pulling the plug.

It was about a month ago that he made fun of a fan with low vision who was using a magnifying device to watch a game, and Lyons also got into some trouble for things he once said about Shawn Green's Jewish heritage. You can find that passage in the Sandomir article, too.

Fox Fires Lyons Over Racial Comments [New York Times]

I haven't made fun of Tim McCarver nearly as much I should, recently. I offer this as an apology, and I applaud the Fox network for letting it go. Some other networks seem to have a problem with poking fun at themselves.

The YouTube title, by the way, is "Tim McCarver Flaskback." I think that's a typo, and supposed to be "Flashback," but "Flaskback" also could be appropriate.

Tim McCarver Flaskback [YouTube]

We have no problem with attractive women on our television screens; in fact, they make regular appearances. But we'll confess considerable annoyance with Barberie during her Fox NFL Sunday stints. She had the Jenny McCarthy problem: Just a little too much "Hey, I'm in your face, 'cause I'm ONE OF THE GUYS!" for our tastes. Oh, and also, she knew about as much about football as our socks. (That is to say, her football knowledge is comparable to that of our socks; reports as Barberie's expertise on our physical footwear are heretofore unconfirmed.)

We can't say we're particularly surprised she's leaving, especially now that Joe Buck is on staff. For some reason, we have a hard time imagining Buck doing wacky sexy banter schtick, you know?

Barberie Gone [Inside SoCal]
It's 40 Percent More Joe Buck, Every Sunday [Deadspin]

The bride-to-be is Michelle Graci, a 27-year-old model and former Miss New Jersey. I try not to make a habit of evaluating mens appearances, but um... well, congratulations, Jay. You've outdone yourself. I mean that. You've really, really, really outdone yourself. Again, congrats, and may the new Mrs. Glaver never ever wake up and say to herself, "Hey, why the hell did I marry Jay Glazer?"

So keep your head up, lonely Deadspinners. If a Fox sideline reporter can make a pull like that, then hey, Deadspin commenters can't be in that bad of a shape, can they?

Michelle Graci, Jay Glazer [New York Times]

I think there's a good chance that the interviewer, David Asman, is masturbating under the table. Images of Anna in various whorish poses flash by in the background as Asman refers to Anna's "sexy poses" and "wonderful poses" while seeming as nervous and giddy as a junior high boy at his first school dance. Of course, he might just be excited because he gets to mention Anna's hatred of PETA and Michael Moore, things he likely finds equally as titillating.

You can see the entire interview and read a transcript here. If you want.

Fox's Asman touted Anna Benson's "wonderful," "sexy poses" during interview on Cavuto [MediaMatters.org]

I don't even know if I can watch the second half. Every time their graphic changes at the top of the screen, everytime they update the down-and-distance, everytime the little snowplow drives across the top of the score, I'm getting sleigh bells jammed into my ear. Fellas, we know it's Christmas. We get it. I caught on after the 348th jingle of the bell. Christ. It is the most irritating thing about their football coverage, and this is a network that employs Terry Bradshaw.

The Patriots lead 21-0 at the half, and I hope it gets worse so I can stop watching and avoid further punishment.

Then we realized it was a typo. Whew.

Fox News [Official Site]