Since it's my final post of the day and I've already shit all over the Big Ten, Auburn fans, Tim Tebow and Nick Saban, allow me to share a heart-warming little story with you fine folks, a story I'll call, "The Best Job a Sports Fan Could Ever Have."

Back in what seems like another life, before I moved to New York and was still living in Baton Rouge, I received a call one day from a friend of mine who worked in the sports information department at LSU. He called to ask if I'd like to work for ESPN on the sideline of LSU football home games as a parabolic microphone operator. He said that the network usually hired four locals for freelance work whenever they came to town to broadcast a game and one of the guys who always did it in the past had moved out of town, so there was an opening and he thought I'd be good for it. Naturally, I jumped at the chance, so he put me in touch with some producer or whatever and I was hired over the phone. For the first two years of the Saban regime at LSU I was ESPN's guy (for $200 a game) on the sideline in Tiger Stadium on the south end zone side of the LSU sideline. It was pure heaven. Sadly, I had to give it up when I moved to the northeast. That was sort of tragic, but alas...

Now, if you're unfamiliar with the terminology, the parabolic mic guy is the person you'll often see on the sidelines holding something that looks like a small satellite dish at chest level. The mic is used to pick up many of the sounds you hear during the broadcast of a game: a quarterback calling plays under center, helmets crashing together, etc. The device itself is nothing short of amazing, as you can literally aim it into a crowd of 90,000 people and listen to individual conversations hundreds of feet away, not to mention hearing everything being said on the field and sidelines. So yeah, this gig was quite stellar...imagine not only getting to watch most of your favorite college team's home games from the sidelines AND getting to hear pretty much anything you wanted to hear on the field on top of it. Over the course of the two seasons I did this "job," I learned a number of things. I'll share a few of them with you now:

-Nick Saban has the most vulgar mouth I've ever heard over the course of my life. Now, I pride myself on being a bit of a vulgarian, so I'm not easily shocked by such things, but Saban's use of profanity on the sideline was just over the top. I've been called many things by coaches and I've heard coaches call athletes many things, but I don't think I've ever heard a coach call one of his own players a "cunt" until I heard it come from Saban.

-ESPN is hyper-sensitive to the theft of their apparel. For every game, each of us parabolic mic guys were outfitted with an ESPN vest and we were told we would face harsh consequences up to and including termination if the vests weren't turned back in immediately following the games. It became kind of a running joke between me and the other parabolic mic guys that they were more concerned about the stupid fucking vests than they were for the expensive sound equipment we roamed the sidelines with while monstrous young men crashed all around us.

-Fred Smoot is a trash-talker of epic proportions. Seriously, some of the stuff that came out of Smoot's mouth when he was at Missisippi State was just awe-inspiring. It almost seemed as though he hired a private detective to do background research on all of LSU's wideouts prior to playing them. He was well-informed and his delivery and timing were impeccable. Fred Smoot is the man.

-Former ESPN sideline reporter Adrian Karsten, who committed suicide in 2005 after being convicted for tax evasion, was a massive prick who was almost universally loathed by everyone, players, coaches, and ESPN personnel. I know it's frowned upon to speak ill of the dead but the guy was just an insufferable asshole. God forbid anyone blocked his sightline or stepped on his cord. And now we have Erin Andrews! Why was she not around back then? And on the subject of sideline reporters, Michelle Tafoya is a delightful sweetheart. I still have a slight crush on her.

-Old Cajun ladies who get drunk at football games will often thumb through game programs and speculate on the cock sizes of college athletes. I know this from the many halftimes I spent scanning the crowd for interesting conversations. And now you know.

Anyway, it's been a fun Saturday and below is a funny video of animals competing at sports to make it even fun-er. Enjoy and have a great Saturday night. I'm off to watch the LSU/Vandy game. Geaux Tigers!

From our emailer:

The house is in major disrepair. Neighbors have been complaining left and right. The sprinkler system hasn't worked in over a year, weeds are chest high, no grass left, dead trees. See attached taken this morning. I've heard his realtor can't even get a hold of him. I've heard of neighbors investigating suing him for bringing property values down. While living in our neighborhood he was truly the "boat man". Late night parties, lots of women, loud, obnoxious, didn't take care of his property.

Who else lives in Eden Prairie? Robert Remus aka Sgt. Slaughter. I think the Sgt. needs to make a call to Redskins headquarters and get this thing worked out.

Fred Smoot's House [The Realty House]

Want another testimonial? "It's got chopped up Viagra in it," Portis said. " I'm telling you, it's an aphrodisiac." Now before anyone gets all worked up, Portis was joking. But it's worth noting, again, that the Web site has some incredible copy writers. A new interactive site will launch sometime in the spring; the current site, to give just one small example, asks consumers to "try not to tear the part of the wrap with the bar code as you rush to rip open your smack bars and unleash the chocolate ecstasy onto your tongue."

To which we ask the musical question: You Smackin' it?

Smack: You've Never Tasted Anything Like This [DC Sports Bog]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

The 49ers were the first to make a move in the giant fiscal orgy, giving an 8-year, $80 million contract to cornerback Nate Clements. The Titans were also in the market for Clements, presumably to replace a certain troubled cornerback who's only happy when it rains. They might be forced to keep Pacman now. Oh well ... someone has to support the strippers of Nashville.

The Falcons gave a fullback, former Raven Ovie Mughelli, a six-year, $18 million deal. Finally, they start to surround Michael Vick with some legitimate offensive weapons.

The Patriots gave an assload of money to stud linebacker Adalius Thomas. I'm assuming on the "assload" part, contract terms weren't immediately available. NFL contracts prohibit the use of the term "assload." Just because it feels like it's appropriate to mention here, Bill Belichick is a genius.

Guard Derrick Dockery got $49 million over 7 years from Buffalo. Not that it's not a worthy signing, everyone needs a few good linemen... but it seems befitting of Buffalo to go out and make a big free agency splash on a guard. That'll sell some season tickets.

And the Redskins, never to be left out, when there's money to spend, gave London Fletcher $25 million over 5 years, and Fred Smoot is rumored to be docking in Washington soon, too.

A flurry of action on first day of free agency [MSNBC]

Smoot is unable to talk, though, which will come as great news to at least 2% of his colleagues in the NFL. He has been exchanging text messages with Childress, though, so you can relax, women of Minnesota. Smoot's digits are still fully functional and capable of dishing out pleasure in high doses.

Vikings CB Smoot breaks jaw in car accident [ABC13.com]

We were just forwarded this shot, from an MSNBC gallery, from last Sunday's Vikings-49ers game. You might not be able to tell from the photo — perhaps you are distracted by the ass — but the defender on the play? None other than Fred Smoot.

Tell you what, that guy ... one track mind.

So how are the Vikings keeping themselves busy? The gang at Kissing Suzy Kolber imagine how the week off is going for various players, including our pal Mr. Smoot.

Monday: Discreetly find hooker and attach her to milking machine. Realize the atrium of City Hall isn't discreet enough.
Tuesday: Call McKinnie. Discuss potential sexual encounters that do not involve the penis. Agree to try space docking.
Wednesday: Try space docking on woman flown in from Buckhead. Fail. Spray pussy with Lysol.
Thursday: Study coverage technique on tape. Realize tape is actually a copy of "The Country Bears". Curse Misssissppi State education.
Saturday: Call Sly Croom. Congratulate him for being black.
Sunday: Watch Goodfellas. Tell friends Jimmy Two Times is favorite character. Go get the papers get the papers.

If the various scenarios posited here aren't what's actually happening in Minnesota this week, we'll be extremely disappointed.

Vikings' Bye Week Itinerary [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

That's essentially what he and Bryant McKinnie did. The NFL finally went came down on Smoot and McKinnie yesterday for their role in the Lake Minnetonka sex boat scandal. Each of them were fined one game check, which equates to 1/17th of their yearly salary. For Smoot, it was $82,352, and for McKinnie, it was $41,176. Here's Smoot's reaction:

"That is over with. I don't know why people bring it up. They finally fined us. That's so much last year. What are you still talking about it?"

Why? Because you shoved the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, that's why. Am I not supposed to be amused by that? Come on, Fred, let's be real here. If you don't want me to be amused when you shove the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, then maybe you should, I dunno... do it at home?

That does not happen every day, Fred Smoot, and I'm not ashamed to admit that those kinds of things help to make my life worth living. If I was fined $1 for every time I smiled or laughed because of your naughty nautical misadventures, my fine would probably be bigger than $82,352.

Smoot, McKinnie fined in `Love Boat' incident [KRT Wire]

Presenting the next member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

The Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat. Final tally: 84.2 percent.

All inauguration speeches are encouraged (as are, since they still haven't come out, pictures from the boat).

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

No word on whether or not that's Fred Smoot's locker ... but that's a pretty good guess, no?

The reason the picture exists, in Real World Truth terms: A fumigation firm is trumping its work helping the "Vikings to be one of the NFL pioneers in protecting their athletes from microbacteria in the locker room and on the practice field." Of course it is.

Honestly, someone from the Vikings' PR department probably should have checked this over, yes? Unless that's actually Brad Childress in the mask. Which we wouldn't rule out.

Proud To Fumigate Vikings [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

I'd like to go on record as saying that I don't think that's a good idea. It would be nice to get Smoot and McKinnie involved in more things that are beneficial to the public, but you can't take the risk of Fred Smoot showing up in the children's ward with a double-donger. I'm not saying he would... but you just can't take that risk.

So before it disappears completely, I think we should all take the time to thank Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie, and anyone else who made this happen. Yes, we sympathize with those who were victimized and/or pleasured (it's such a fine line). But still, we recognize one of the world's all-time most amusing sports stories, and we're thankful that it took place in the age of sports blogs.

Thanks again, Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie. We owe you.

Smoot, McKinnie both plead guilty [FoxSports]
The Fred Smoot "Bump 'n Run" Double-Headed Dildo [the mighty mjd]

As far as we can tell, it has no real connection to the famous Fred Smoot, leader of the Minnesota boat cruise and famed double-dong representative and aficionado.

Though, if you're keeping that dirty mind, you can read whatever you want into that logo. Maybe he's more connected than we thought.

Smoot Construction [Official Site]

The St. Paul Saints, the minor league baseball team ran by Mike Veeck, is giving away miniature Minnetonka Queen boats for the 30th anniversary of the Love Boat and "may remind fans of another well-known Twin Cities area vessel that has been in the news. " The date is May 27, and one forgives Fred Smoot for showing up and thinking the "Love Boat giveaway" would allow him a very different freebie that it actually does.

By the way, other Saints promotions include "VHS Demolition Night," the "Buddha Giveaway" and "Billy Murray Bobblehead Night." The Saints are just about the only thing we can think of that makes us sad we don't live in Minnesota.

A Boat Load Of Promotoins Set For 2006 [Saints Baseball]

(UPDATE: Do not anger Minnesota residents, apparently; the mailbox was flooded almost immediately. It's not like we don't like Minnesota; every time we've been there, we've enjoyed ourselves. It's just that, you know, it's kinda cold. That's all. Honest.)

Anyway, Vikings Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams have asked the charges filed against them regarding the Lake Minnetonka incident be dropped because of racial bias against them, claiming that other people on the boat who were white were not charged. They claim the (white) captain of the boat "touched a woman's exposed breast with his mouth while he piloted the boat." Which, by the way, is exactly what happened on our boat trip, minus the captain, exposed breast and "woman."

To remind you of the full charges in the case, both Culpepper and Williams were accused of receiving lap dances ... and that was about it. (The real fun involved Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.) These are lighter "offenses," we think, than trying to drive a boat with a boob in your mouth. We agree with the two Vikings and encourage Minnesota authorities to arrest the captain as well, so that he, and the woman, might tell their testimony. Slowly.

Culpepper Raises Race Issue In Boat Party Charges
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

But if you happen to be Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, this is very good news. Because while Mr. Snyder hasn't shown that he has a particularly good eye for talent, he does have a lot money, and in a year, he might have permission to turn the NFL's off-season into his own personal spending orgy. And if you're a free agent in the NFL this offseason, I would recommend a one-year contract.

I'm not even sure how this would work. Would there be anything stopping a team from offering Ricky Williams $8 million per year and a brick of hash for every touchdown he scores? Could someone offer Fred Smoot $10 million, payable in gift certificates to Carnival Cruise Lines and Uncle Tito's 24-Hour Dildo Shop?

NFL on the Road to Ruin? [NorthJersey.com]

Impressively, our man gangsta Grimace came in a close second, followed by Fred Smoot and Maurice Clarett. Nobody is all that frightened of Jim Mora, Jr., which is a point in everyone's favor, we think.

Full results below. As always, thanks for making your voice heard.

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Henceforth, a Deadspin poll: Which sports-related personality would you least want to run into at a McDonald's? Poll will be open all night and most of the day tomorrow.

It's a tougher call than you might think. Vote below.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Two of the four players indicted in the whole Lake Minnetonka double-dong fiasco pleaded not guilty yesterday to misdemeanor charges and have "demanded a jury trial." To repeat the initial charges for each player, Culpepper is accused of "getting a 'lap dance' from an unidentified, naked female," and McKinnie, getting his money's worth, "picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her ... at a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat." Yeah, beat that rap. Why deny it? Hell, pay the freaking fine, take the pats on the back from teammates and go on your way.

Moe Williams, the third Viking indicted, is in court today. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Culpepper, McKinnie Plead Not Guilty To Charges In Boat Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

(Update: Fred Smoot has now plead not guilty as well. To blatantly steal from commenter MTD: Best. Exhibit A. Ever.)

"Never in my life, ever," said Smoot when asked if he had ever been through a season like this one. "It just didn't go like I expected."

One suspects if every season were like this one, Smoot would be too exhausted to actually play. The good news: Smoot's picking up some endorsements from the whole ordeal. We're big fans of Bubbles' testimonial.

Disrupted Season Keeps Smoot Unusually Quiet [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
Fred Smoot's Endorsement Deal [The Mighty MJD]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Some blogger we've never heard of but will be checking out from now on named "Zembla" has combined two of our favorite stories of the year — the Vikings sex boat and the Miami Hurricanes' scary dorm rap — and created a mashup, wondering what the Seventh Floor Crew would be like if Vikings were involved.

Bryant McKinnie: "Big Nick" (who "slings dick"). Bryant McKinnie is 6'8, 343 pounds, so he's got the "big" part covered. Despite the myriad of sex acts detailed by the Seventh Floor Crew, Big Nick is the only one to discuss cunnilingus. As McKinnie is the only Viking accused of picking up a naked woman, placing her on the bar, and performing oral sex on her, this seems like the perfect match.

We appreciate any Baseball Prospectus-esque discussion of sex boat/dorm gangbang shenanigans, so we're pretty big fans.

Lake Minnetonka And The Seventh Floor Crew [Zembla]