•Ben Roethlisberger was pulled out of practice after his lineman rolled up on the back of his leg. If it turns out to be a serious injury, I fully expect to see the Boston papers claiming this season shouldn't really count. Right, guys?

•Another day, another world record for Usain Bolt, this time in the 200m. Honestly, if we doubt all outlandish baseball numbers, and that's in a sport where strength is only a small part of the skill set needed to succeed, why do we get excited over track records?

•Documents on FSU's cheating scandal will be made public after a judge's ruling that will "rip the heart out of the NCAA." The NAIA is waiting to swoop in and eat their heart, thereby gaining all their power.

•A Vick goes back to jail for a probation violation, but it's Marcus Vick, so you won't see teams eagerly awaiting his release. Which is a shame, because it's only a 20-day sentence, so he'll be sprung in time for opening night.

•Because no UFC heavyweight champ has every defended their title more than twice (seriously), you might want to tune in for Brock Lesnar's first defense against Shane Carwin.

•If you subscribe to the Jessica Simpson theory of a certain type of woman ruining a player's productivity, you might want to stay away from Reggie Bush this year. Apparently he's back with Kim Kardashian.

•After Gary Sheffield was denied a contract extention, he demanded his release and was benched last night. The Mets said they won't cut him, but if they really want to punish him, they ought to give him that extention.

•And here's why mascots should be banned:

In case those haters on ESPN didn't tell you, Gary Sheffield had the game of his life last night, driving home 10 runs on five — count 'em, five — homers. Of course, such an outburst probably shouldn't have surprised us. Turns out, Sheffield is leading the Mets in dingers. He's also hitting .277 and is 40-years-young.

OK, you caught me. One of the above statements isn't true. Bet you can't guess which one!

If you chose the first, well, you win. Shucks.

*****

Good Saturday morning, and sorry for the late start. It's going to be one of those days, so send in your best to ben@deadspin.com, and let's make it a thriller.

Said Sheffield on Saturday of Cabrera, who supposedly held Sheffield while teammate Carmona pounded his head:

"He'll get taken care of, trust me," Sheffield said. "If you take a cheap shot at me, I'll never forget it. I won't forget it until the day I die."

Then this exchange through the press:

In Saturday's editions of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Cleveland catcher Victor Martinez was quoted as saying, "He didn't say nothing going down to first base. If he wants to do something, then charge right there. He just walked to first base with that attitude. Who is he? Shut your mouth and keep playing the game."

When told of Martinez's remarks on Saturday, Sheffield replied, "Who am I? Tell him to check the stats. How many years he have? He's going to learn respect. Somebody will teach him respect. Trust me. ... He ain't done nothing in this game. Anybody can have a couple years. Do it for 20 years, and then come talk to me."

Who charges the mound from first base following a pickoff attempt? Only Gary Sheffield. Moral of story: Do not start brawls during seasons when you're not using the cream.

Sheffield Still Steaming [SFGate]
War Of Words Continue In Aftermath Of Sheffield Brawl [Detroit Free Press]
Sheffield Gunning for… Asdrubal Cabrera? [Waiting For Next Year]

On Thursday Sheffield took some more swings at the Yankees manager, comparing him to Jim Leyland, and possibly Mussolini. Let's look in on the fun: "(Leyland is) real. That's all there is to it. You get it both ways — the positive and the negative — and he's real about both sides. I don't have to clear up nothing. I meant what I said, said what I meant — and I stand by it. Like I said before, you can do whatever you want with my words, I don't really care. If I lose friends, so what. I don't need friends. I've got plenty of friends. I don't really take myself too seriously. Whatever comes my way I just react." Torre responded: "It's all going to go back to the comments. I don't want to go there." Asked if he might talk to Sheffield if he had a chance, Torre said: "Probably not." Sheffield was 0-3 with two walks on Thursday as Carlos Guillen did all of the heavy lifting in the Tigers' 8-5 win over New York. Guillen's grand slam in the first, off of Mike Mussina, set the tone, and Ivan Rodriguez also homered as the Yankees took their third straight loss after winning nine of 10.

• The Hunt For Red October. Let's get this party started, uh huh ... The Cardinals are just 2 1/2 games back in the Central after beating the first-place Brewers 8-0 on Thursday, and to prove that they are truly in contention, Yadier Molina is now a power hitter. Molina's two home runs (!!) led St. Louis, which swept the three-game series, outscoring Milwaukee 28-7. (Chicago, which beat the Reds 12-4, is a half-game out). Adam Wainwright allowed two hits over seven innings.

• Raising Arizona. Don't look now, but the Diamondbacks have won eight straight series; including 19 of their past 24 games after a 6-1 win over Florida. They're now three games up on the second-place Padres in the West.

• The Thrillies. OK, if you don't beat the Nationals when your ace is pitching, you need to pack it in. But the Phillies don't need to pack; Cole Hamels got his 14th win in a 4-2 triumph. And so Philadelphia ascends into second place in the East, a half-game ahead of Atlanta (9-3 loss to the Giants) and three behind Mr. Met (10-7 loss to the Pirates)

• Los Angeles 4, Toronto 3. What? The Angels won at Rogers Centre? Must be some sort of paperwork mixup.

Just to remind, Sheffield told Andrea Kremer on HBO's "Real Sports" (a.k.a., "What The HELL Happened To Frank Deford?"):

"I know when I was there, the couple of blacks that were there, every one of them had an issue with the organization. They had an issue with Joe Torre. They weren't treated like everybody else. I got called out in a couple of meetings that I thought were unfair."

Later in the same interview, Sheffield came with this nugget of wisdom: "Steroids are something you shoot in your butt." Someone alert Tim Hardaway!

Anyway, Sheffield isn't exactly renowned for his restraint, so basically calling out the entire Yankees organization for being racist should probably be taken with a large grain of sodium. But then Kenny Lofton — a guy so popular he's played for 11 teams in 16 years — chimes in saying, "Gary knows what he's talking about," and suddenly, we've got a scandal. We're sorry, a "scandal."

Torre remains mum on the whole issue, and so far, his only character witness has been Darryl Strawberry, for whatever that's worth. (Derek Jeter, being "only half black," probably can't help either.) During last night's ESPN broadcast, Joe Morgan surprisingly refused to come to Torre's defense, saying, "you really have to be a member of the team to understand what goes on in the clubhouse." The whole telecast — which is pretty much the weekly mass for The Baseball Establishment" — played up the "scandal" more than you might have expected; one would think calling out a baseball legend as a pseudo-racist would require a more stable witness than Gary Sheffield.

That said, we're going to enjoy this; any organization that, according to Sheffield, treats Jason Giambi "like a man" is bound to have countless more skeletons in their closet. Does Torre hate Japanese players too? We hope the Yankees don't sign any Eskimos.

As you'd suspect, The Nation Of Islam Sports Blog has plenty to say about this.

Because that's exactly what Sheff did, popping his 12th grand slam of his career and 22nd homer on the season, as the Tigers beat the Mariners 6-3 in Seattle. Take note, kids: a real professional always leaves his inane comments off-the-field.

• I'm Confused. Diamondbacks beat the Padres 8-3 on Friday night, improving to 10-1 all-time against Maddux. How does that make any sense? Hasn't Maddux won like, a lot of games or something?

• Singing Winds, Crying Second-Half Beast. Johan Santana throws seven scoreless innings to lead the Twins over the A's, 5-3. Get this: Santanta is now 41-4 with 427 strikeouts in games played after the All-Star break since '03. Try and digest that shit, man. 41-4!

• Mama, There Ain't No Denyin'. Scott Kazmir strikes out seven; Rays blind Clemens and the Yankees, 6-4.

• On teammate Shawn Green missing a game with the Dodgers because of Yom Kippur during a crucial pennant stretch: "Religion is an important thing as long as you worship the right God."

• On the '04 Red Sox: "They're a walking disaster. They act like they're tough, how they care so much about winning, but it's all a front. They're just a bunch of characters."

• On carrying a gun (he also took one to school in eighth and ninth grade): "It ain't changed because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them."

Don't ever change, Gary: Don't you change.

Best Of Gary Sheffield [100 Percent Injury Rate]
Who's Your Black Tiger? [The Dugout]
Gary Sheffield, Unlike You Latin Pushovers, Will Not Be Controlled [Deadspin]

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do — being able to control them," he told the magazine.

"Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man.

"These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

I don't believe that the front offices of Major League Baseball are above trying to take advantage of anyone, but at the same time, the notion that all Latin ballplayers are pushovers ... well, teammate Carlos Guillen might disagree. Anyway, I hope Major League Baseball keeps pissing Sheffield off ... at this rate, sometime in June he'll be accusing Bud Selig of murdering Anna Nicole Smith.

Gary Sheffield's Got A Theory [Signal to Noise]
Sheffield has theory why fewer blacks play MLB [ABC13]
Gary Sheffield Will Rip The Lid Off Of It [Deadspin]

He's appealed his suspension, and says if it's upheld, he'll rip the lid off a conspiracy in baseball and their devil sandwich made of lies and hubris.

Sheffield suggested to the Detroit Free Press that he would expose a "conspiracy" within the game if he is not cleared of wrongdoing."

"Once they see the tape, and they still suspend me, then we're going to talk about this conspiracy that's going on," he said. "If it ain't no conspiracy, then I shouldn't be suspended at all."

Well, here's hoping that suspension is upheld. I'm rather curious about what Mr. Sheffield has to say. Besides, he could use the extra time to counsel Elijah Dukes.

Sheffield, Bard appeal three-game suspensions [SI.com]

• Not-Quite-Fighting Erupts In Detroit. Oh, The Averted Horror. All kinds of barking and near fisticuffs in Detroit on Monday, and in the end Gary Sheffield settled it all with his bat. No, not that way; he homered off of Daniel Cabrera in the fifth — after arguing with Cabrera a few pitches before — and the Tigers beat the Orioles 8-4. Cabrera had hit Sheffield with a pitch in the third, and the pitcher was yelling at Tigers manager Jim Leyland in the fifth, which set off Sheffield. "You back your manager," Sheffield said. "When Cabrera started chirping at him, that's when I said something." Sheffield then homered deep to left — a two-run shot — and took his sweet time traversing the bases, which put everyone back on edge. Later that inning, Detroit's Miguel Tejada started toward the mound to get at Jeremy Bonderman, who had thrown a pitch at his ankles. Miguel was intercepted, however.

• With A Heavy Heart. Talk about a rough day to go to work. Braves pitcher Tim Hudson got word on Sunday that his college teammate, Josh Hancock, was killed in an auto accident, and his grandmother had died. But Hudson still pitched on Monday, going eight innings in the Braves' 5-2 win over the Phillies. Andruw Jones won it with a three-run homer in the ninth. Hudson and Hancock played at Auburn in 1997.

• Park Closed For Repairs. The Marlins ruined Chan Ho Park's debut for the Mets, as Hanley Ramirez homered to lead a 9-6 win. But anyway, welcome back!

• Pirate Booty. Did you know that Jason Bay has 100 career homers? His two-out shot in the eighth led the Pirates over the Cubs 3-2.

The final standings:

Gary Sheffield, New York Yankees: 32 percent (425 votes)
Johnny Damon, Boston Red Sox: 19.8 percent (263 votes)
Steve Finley, Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim: 14.1 percent (187 votes)
Gabe Kapler, Boston Red Sox: 8.5 percent (113 votes)
Vladimir Guerrero, Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim: 7.0 percent (93 votes)
Scott Podsednik, Chicago White Sox: 5.9 percent (78 votes)
Jermaine Dye, Chicago White Sox: 5.3 percent (71 votes)
Aaron Rowand, Chicago White Sox: 4.8 percent (64 votes)
Hideki Matsui, New York Yankees: 2.7 percent (36 votes)

Thanks for voting. Now, stay tuned. The news will come out eventually ... it always does.

Who's The Mystery 'Roider? [Deadspin]

That said, we take them Ultra Seriously. Ahem. Here's a sample one:

This beloved catcher sure likes to play games with his other women. When he's not accusing them of messing around on him (the nerve!), he's denying their existence at the hotel, making them cry, and playing mind games with their confused little heads. Looks like he's playing games on AND off the field ...

Well, it's not Mike Piazza, because the 12th word isn't "men." (Come on, Mike, we kid. Kind of.) Are there any other beloved catchers? How about another one?

This "religious" AL Easter prefers to hook up with girls through... different means than his teammates. A source tells us that he isn't even responsive to girls he once felt attracted to — never answering their messages, never calling back... could it be "CHRISTIAN GUILT" kicking in?

Hmm. This could be missing the line, "Tends to not get along with men with huge heads." Hey, even if this blog is fake, this guessing game is fun. Wanna play?

On the DL [Blogspot] (via ohnotheydidnt)

Grumpy Gus blog Can't Stop The Bleeding has the scoop this morning of fired-up message board postings about Sheffield allegedly doing his fearsome bat waggle with notorious groupie Marvett Britto. As everyone knows, no source is more reliable than an anonymous message board poster, but hey, if it did happen, we're suspecting Gary's smart enough not to freaking film it.

Killing Sheff's Good Name [Can't Stop The Bleeding]
Sex Tape Scandal Involves R. Kelly, Sheffield's Wife [VH-1]

According to radio DJ guy Ben Maller, Yankees outfielder Gary Sheffield, while appearing on the ridiculously named "CMI: The Chris Myers Interview," blatantly accuses his old buddy Barry Bonds of — get this — using steroids.

"This guy came in the same time I did, we had the same amount of home runs, and all of a sudden now he's got two, three-hundred more home runs than me as if I wasn't even playing? ... Something's wrong because he doesn't work harder than me."

The Sheffield-Bonds feud is hardly new, but it has always amused us, particularly Sheffield's famous "he stole my chef!" petulant rant. Considering that Sheffield is apparently the only athlete who says they "accidentally" took steroids that anyone believes — a faith that has always confused us — it will be fun to watch any potential aftermath.

By the way, back to that "CMI" thing; we don't know how much money we'd pay to watch Chris Myers sift through corpses but, uh, we doubt it would be much. But it's more than we'd pay to watch him interview people.

OK, now go enjoy your football game.

Sheffield On "CMI" [BenMaller.com]
Severing Bonds [SI.com]

Internet Fertile Ground For Steroid Rumors [Baltimore Sun]
Rumors Spread Via Blog [The Sports Frog]

And you know what? We don't see what the big deal is. Sheffield says that Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't the real leaders of the team. He says that he doesn't hang out much with other players. He says R. Kelly didn't really have sex with his wife. And he says the New York media is full of jerks. Oh, and he's a Christian. Sorry: We're missing all the fire here. What's so offensive about this story again? Why are we still talking about this?

You have to love the New York media: The best way to kill a story is by, you know, having it actually be published.

Gary Sheffield Is The Yankees' MVP: Just Ask Him [New York Magazine]