"Finally, we'd like to point out the Facebook effort "Jort-Out Georgia." People think that by looking like white trash, they'll perform better on the field. Trust us, not even kryptonite can stop Knowshon Moreno." But you know what can stop you from having sex? Writing editorials for your college newspaper. Anyway, Jort-Out Georgia is alive and well on facebook here. And I have to say, as lame and gay as the blackout was at Georgia, the jort-out is close to genius. Or close enough to genius to be equated as such when it comes to SEC football. (Note: literacy and ability to count to one-hundred also suffice.)
On to the games.

West Virginia (-4) at UConn- Are the Mountaineers poised to regain their rightful place at the top of the Big East standings or will UConn hang the first conference loss on West Virginia? Right now UConn is 2-1 with the tiebreak over Louisville and West Virginia is the only team undefeated in conference. In the wake of last night's South Florida defeat the Big East race has now been sliced to a six-team affair. West Virginia has won 4 in a row since bad road losses to mediocre East Carolina and Colorado football teams. But all those wins were in Morgantown/Deadwood. Can they step outside of conference and pull off a win? If you're like the rest of us you'll be waiting with bated breath. (Note, by waiting with bated breath, I mean not noticing at all.)

Northwestern at Minnesota (-7)- Who's about to become the hottest coach you've never heard of in college football? Minnesota's Tim Brewster. That happens when you can bring a top 20 recruiting class in despite a 1-11 record and when you start the next season 7-1. Minnesota in the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1966? Don't stop believing Gophers, don't stop believing.

Michigan at Purdue (-2)- Did you know that Purdue was 2-6? I didn't either. This is a high school girl's slapfest. One of these teams is going to finish 2-10. Which one? The one that doesn't win this game.

Miami at Virginia (-2)- All hail your coastal division champion Virginia Cavaliers. Stop laughing. I wrote last week that this was going to happen. Now it's even more likely. Oddsmakers are starting to take note of the Al Groh resurgence; the line moved from Miami favored by 1 to UVa by 2.

Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5)- Tommy Tuberville limps back to Oxford with a 4-4 record and is almost a touchdown underdog to Ole Miss. Auburn fans are sharpening their knives to lop of off Tubs's oversized ears. Is this in any way justified with his past success? No. Can Auburn attract a better coaching candidate? No. Will this stop them from calling for his head if they lose to Ole Miss? Nope.

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame (-5)- Isn't it amazing how all the criticism of the media love affair with Notre Dame has finally taken hold? There's been virtually no mention of Notre Dame's five wins and they aren't ranked. Wannstedt has had a week to get over the 54 points his team gave up to Rutgers last week. This is just the sort of game Pitt has won under Wannstedt. Or lost by 50. Meanwhile Notre Dame has still not beaten a team with a winning record.

Arizona State at Oregon State (-14)- Is there a media conspiracy that doesn't want to point out that if Oregon State (currently 3-1 in the Pac-10) wins out, they win the Pac-10? You didn't realize they hadn't lost a Pac-10 game since they swamped USC either, did you? The world will be up in arms if Oklahoma slides into the BCS Title game without winning the Big 12. But if USC does it from the Pac-10? No one will even notice.

Tulsa (-7) at Arkansas- The Imma kick the shit out of you former-Arkansas coaching staff victory tour will continue another week. Last week Houston Nutt rolled into Fayetteville and beat his old team. This week Gus Malzahn, Tulsa's offensive coordinator, gets his shot. Tulsa's got the best offense you haven't heard of. They're averaging 625 yards of offense per game and 56.6 points. Averaging. David Johnson, their quarterback, has 32 touchdown passes already. If Malzahn doesn't get a head coaching job sometime soon, there is no justice in the universe.

Oregon at Cal (-3)- Two of the other one-loss Pac-10 teams are playing. What's going to give, Oregon's 278 yard per game rushing attack or Cal's defense that's allowing less than a 100 rushing yards a game. Will this game feature the most weed-smoking per capita on the season? I think so.

Florida (-6.5) v. Georgia- All you need to know about this game comes from ESPN:

Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether.

According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes.

School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day.

Yeah, I can't wait to see this game either. Fuck reading and writing.

Washington at Southern Cal (-47)- The line opened at 43 and quickly moved to 47. Seriously, shouldn't there be a rule that if you're favored by more than 35 over a fellow conference foe that the team you're favored over has to leave the conference for a year?

Texas at Texas Tech (-3.5)- If you're not rooting for Mike Leach to win this game, then you're a communist. If Leach the piriate wins he might get on the team bus, drive to Athens, and allow his team loose to plunder the city. Honestly. I'm just hoping it comes down to the walk-on kicker from 30 yards to win or lose the game. Remember how I keep saying that the winning quarterback of this game has the Heisman locked up? This time I mean it. Colt McCoy has 21 touchdowns, an 81.3 completion percentage, and has thrown for 2285 yards. Graham Harrell has thrown for 28 touchdowns and 3147 yards. In case you've been living under a rock both teams are undefeated. Let the scoring begin.

1. Texas is your new consensus number one. Which will surprise a lot of people who haven't been paying attention to the season thus far because Texas lept all the way from number five to claim the top spot. One Shakespeare, William memorably summed up the college football universe by stating "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown." And in the current age of college football this is always applicable. But even more so for Texas. The Longhorns next three games? Missouri, Oklahoma State, and at Texas Tech. So in four consecutive weeks Texas plays the number 1 team (Oklahoma), the number 11 team in Missouri (who last week was number 3), the number 8 team in Oklahoma State, and the number 7 team in Texas Tech. What's that all mean? In one month, Texas plays 4 of the top 11 teams in the country. As if that weren't enough they still have number 16 Kansas hanging out there at the end of their schedule plus a Big 12 Title Game. If Texas wins all these games to get to 13-0 they shouldn't even have to play in the BCS Title Game.

2. What's even more important than losing? Everyone still thinking you're good after you've lost. That's the only way to explain how Florida is already back to number 5 in the country two weeks after a home loss to a below average SEC team in Ole Miss and how Oklahoma is still number 4 in the country after a loss to Texas on Saturday. Oklahoma's next four games are significantly easier than the schedule Texas faces. So if Texas loses one of these games does Oklahoma jump them in the polls or does Texas fall one or two slots only?

Meanwhile, it's looking as if Florida and Georgia will play an elimination game at the Cocktail Party. But if you're a Georgia fan don't you have to scratch you head about the polls now? You were ranked higher than Florida prior to your losses and lost to the number 2 team in the country. Florida lost to an unranked team with no other SEC wins. Both were home losses. Yet Florida is number 5 now and Georgia is number 10? I've argued that Georgia was overrated early in the season, but I don't see how anyone can justify Florida jumping six places after a win over LSU. Basically the Ole Miss loss is already being tossed aside as if it didn't happen. Why? Because the pollsters are all convinced Florida is that good. Even if they lost.

3. Four of the top 11 teams in the country are now in the Big 12 South. Meaning, for at least a season, the Big 12 South has eclipsed the SEC East as the toughest single division in college football. Here's a mess for you, what if Texas wins the South via a tiebreak over Oklahoma then loses the Big 12 Title to a two-loss Missouri team. It could easily happen. Then Oklahoma doesn't win their own division title and leapfrogs not only the conference champion but also the division champion to play for the BCS Title? Yeah, absurd.

4. The fevered dream of Northwestern and Vandy in the BCS title game went down to an untimely defeat with the Dores loss at Mississippi State and Northwestern's loss at home to Michigan State. Sing a sad song with me. I suggest Wonderwall.

5. Overheard from a player on the UT-Georgia sideline, "At least we're not Michigan losing at home to Toledo." Fortunately Toledo is not on the UT schedule this season.

6. Some of you took my lock advice Friday and laid money on Texas Tech as a 20 point favorite. Yeah, that didn't work out so well. As Deadspinner Jason emailed late on Saturday night, "You, sir, make a lousy financial advisor. I'm going to hire Ferdinand Williams to break your kneecaps."

(For those of you who don't know, Ferd Williams was a GW basketball player in the 1996 and 1997 season. Judging from his career shooting percentage, it's very likely he'd swing a hammer to break my kneecaps and instead hit himself in the lower lumbar region.)

7. One month ago I got several emails from people who were racist against the state of Utah about how ridiculous my hyping of the BYU-Utah game was. Still feel that way? BYU is up to number 8 in the Harris Poll. Anyone looking at the top ten and betting on an undefeated team emerging from the Big 6 conferences is a fool (or a Penn State fan since they have by far the best shot). Could an undefeated BYU with a top ten win over Utah on the final week of the regular season really not get a sniff at the BCS Title Game?

8. Mike Gundy has Oklahoma State as a player on the national scene. I have no idea what's going to come of this but it can only be good things. Prior to this you'll recall that Gundy is A.) a man and B. 40. Now he's also in the top ten. Does anyone else get the feeling that the interview process for head coaches at Oklahoma State doesn't even include words? Head coaching candidates just walk into the room, pull down their pants, and throw their gigantic balls on the AD's desk. That's the only way to explain how a school can follow up hiring Les Miles with Mike Gundy.

(Because this never gets old.)

9. Ohio State is not going to play for the national championship no matter what they do the rest of the season. They're still pegged in at number 12. There are 5 one loss teams ahead of them and 6 undefeated teams. In the Harris Interactive poll (which is the one that counts in the BCS), Ohio State actually fell to 13. Consider this the retroactive punishment for 2007 and 2008 losses. Come hell (the return of or high water (an 11-1 finish), Ohio State is not playing for the BCS title.

10. Which team has lost the most based upon an upset loss to a mediocre team? How about Virginia Tech? Beat rapidly fading East Carolina (they've lost three in a row) and worst-case scenerio they're number 4 in the country now. Ouch.

11. Finally, in case you missed the Miami-Central Florida game (which, to be fair, we all did), Central Florida brought their own versions of the Ibis to the house. Miami managed to survive the double-fingered bird salute and triumphed 20-14.

Texas v. Oklahoma (-6.5)- According to Texas fans Colt McCoy is the white Vince Young. Their stats are comparable but it's yet to be determined whether their big game heroics and sanity are equally similar. Although rumor has it that Colt has been rolling into Austin bars shirtless and swilling Patron for months. Make of this what you will.

Meanwhile Sam Bradford of Oklahoma has already thrown 18 touchdown passes. Seriously, 18. Colt only has 16. Both men have thrown 3 picks. So their combined touchdown to interception ratio is 34-6. This would be more impressive if either team had played a legit top 25 opponent yet. But they haven't.

Both the Texas and Oklahoma offenses average over 45 points a game while each is giving up less than two touchdowns. In a stroke of mathematical precision that has yet to be noted by anyone in either Texas or Oklahoma both teams average margin of victory is 35.8. So something has got to give. (Brent Musberger made himself a legend by intoning the previous cliche with the proper measure of respect.) Just be careful, this game is set for 12 eastern. Set the damn alarm.

South Carolina (-3) at Kentucky- It's rare you see a line move four points. This one has. After opening as one-point favorites the Cats now find themselves three-point home dogs. I have no idea what this signifies. Except somehow I think Stephen Garcia is behind the magically moving line. I'm expecting him to go all Achilles on us and decapitate Kentucky's quarterback Mike Hartline during warm-ups. Word is he blames Hartline for killing Patroclus. Remember where you heard it first. Unless you're a police officer then...ha...lucky guess.

Nebraska at Texas Tech (-20)- It's even rarer I give gambling advice, but right now take all of the money that you've got left in stocks, cash out (go ahead and take your tax losses), and put it on Texas Tech to cover the 20 point line. Seriously, do it. Nebraska has the defense of a southern Theta at a Dave Matthews concert. Which is to say none. Back the truck up at the sports book. Do it now. Do it. (Not that you still subscribe to peer pressure anymore but if you don't do this then I'm telling everyone that you slept with special sheets to keep your mattress from getting soaked when you still wet your bed at the age of 16.)

(Mike Leach will make you one rich ass dude. Trust me.)

Tennessee at Georgia (-12)-- As you're reading this I'm somewhere in the backwoods of Georgia on the Tennessee team bus. If the Vols allow a punt return for a touchdown you'll probably be able to hear me squealing on the television contest. In what might be a Deadspin first, email me if you're driving back from Athens to Nashville. I don't have a ride home since the team is returning home via plane. This is not a joke.

Oklahoma State at Missouri (-14)- This is one of three games that Missouri could potentially lose in the regular season. The other two are at Texas and against Kansas on the final week. They probably won't lose this game but it should be entertaining as hell. Oklahoma State's under the radar. If they can score in the 40's, they won't be after this weekend. Regardless, Chase Daniel and Warren Buffet's album is so going platinum when it drops next week.

Arkansas at Auburn (-17)- How bad is Arkansas? Auburn hasn't scored more than two offensive touchdowns in the SEC this year and they just fired their offensive coordinator, yet they're favored by 17. I'm really just mentioning this game so I can link Tony Franklin clearing out his office. Which they filmed in Alabama. Well, of course they did.

Penn State (-5.5) at Wisconsin- Sooner or later Wisconsin's fans are going to turn on the band and blame their sexual misconduct for all the team's misfortune. But that's in the future. Six quarters ago Wisconsin fans believed they were headed to the Rose Bowl. Now, they're just hoping not to end up in the Motor City Bowl. Yeah, the college football tides turn in a hurry.

Meanwhile this is game 2 of Penn State's march to the BCS Title game. Win and it's looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title. Lose...and it's still looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title.

LSU at Florida (-6)- Just once I'd like to see the world through Les Miles colored glasses. Nothing in life is uncertain to Les Miles. He's the least doubting man in America. As a consequence he's fearless. That's the only way to explain his success. Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at broken places." I disagree, the world has never broken Les Miles. And it never will.

Conversely, the world breaks Tim Tebow after every game. He cries, he mopes, he swears fealty to an angry God. Last year LSU fans got Tebow's phone number, this year, they're gunning for his football life. Which they cleverly informed the referees. Meaning LSU gets flagged for at least two late hits in the first half. The resulting points from those drives will probably be enough to make a difference.

Each week more signs appear behind the stage at ESPN's College Gameday. Some are original and funny (Knowshon Crossing sign with his leaping outline), some are entirely inside jokes (let's make a sign with our friend's name on it and hold it up for three hours early in the morning), and some are deemed offensive and are destroyed by ESPN heavies. Which brings us to the sign posted above, "Lou Holtz Spits, Mark May Swallows." It comes to me via reader Pete and he says, " By 10:05 AM ESPN had already confiscated it and broken it apart, but it did set off quite a commotion the few minutes it was up."

So now you know if you're interested in trying to sneak your sign past the heavies at ESPN, you're out of luck. Unless that sign says, "Lee Corso is a penis", then you may survive for a little while. I've always thought that Gameday doesn't take advantage of this signage enough. For instance, what if they actually made Desmond Howard do something, anything worthwhile on the show, and put him to work selecting the five best signs of the day and bringing them on set for the final segment? Or the top three signs? Actually, given his sense of humor Howard might not be the best choice. But wouldn't this be a great idea? To acknowledge all the fans who show up early in the morning and scream and yell and make the show such a success. Granted "Lou Holtz spits, Mark May Swallows" is not going to make the cut, but for original signs with good humor, wouldn't it be cool to encourage the creativity? Instead of, you know, taking a college kid's sign and breaking it up after deeming it offensive. (Offensive is a stretch here anyway, Lou Holtz does spit and Mark May does swallow...sometimes, or he would die.) Could Pete have gotten away with, "Lou Holtz Expectorates and Mark May Ingests." I think so.

I want to know which ESPN guru is in charge of deciding whether a sign is offensive or not. I'm picturing this bespectacled guy sitting in front of a large HD screen on the Gameday bus, television images reflected off his glasses, laptop in lap, and googling sign phrases with laser-like focus. Then he has like fifteen guys dressed entirely in black (the ESPN shockforce), snaps his fingers, and Gino Torretta goes outside and wreaks havoc. Either that or they borrow David Pollack from CBS and send him out to say, "Golly gee, y'all should have known better," and Pollack throws the signs down and then skips from one side of the sign to another, smiling at you all the while, as he destroys your sign.

Anyway, if you've ever wondered whether ESPN brings the muscle to break down offensive signs, now you know. On to 8 other things I noted from this week's games.

1. Someone finally stopped Tim Tebow on a 4th and 1 shotgun sneak. That team was Ole Miss. Prior to this stop, South Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, and Ole Miss had all been victimized by the Tebow fourth down sneak leading to victories. It was believed by many, much like the four minute mile, that this play simply couldn't be bested. And then Ole Miss stopped it. A Houston Nutt coached team stopped it. Wow.

When this final score was announced at UT-Auburn, there was a roar throughout the stadium. A roar so loud that the Florida guys with their sleevless t-shirts and the Florida girls with their bingo wings, felt a sudden chill of air on the backs of their exposed arms. Here's the play.

Note how Ole Miss sends every single player storming into the center of the line. There isn't a single player more than two yards from the line of scrimmage. If Florida goes play action here, they win. Or even with the Tim Tebow jump pass.

New theory: Florida can't handle the rural SEC schools. Ole Miss has won two in a row in the Swamp, Miss. State sent the Zooker packing, and Auburn's owning of the Gators is well-chronicled. There's something about cows that spells Gator disaster. Otherwise how to explain the incongruous site of Ole Miss fans mocking the Gator Chomp with a derogatory chop of their own in Gainesville.

2. Wisconsin blows a 19-0 lead at Michigan and loses. As if that weren't bad enough this was the biggest second-half comeback in Michigan stadium history. That's 500 games. This is one of those losses where if you're a Wisconsin fan you find yourself sitting outside in the fading light staring off into the coming darkness thinking, "No matter what happens, Michigan is always going to be better than we are at football. Always." Michigan had 5 turnovers and only 21 yards of offense in the first half. And they won.

Wisconsin had an undefeated team, was favored, and choked away the second half. How painful was it? Wisconsin scored on a two-point conversion to tie the game but was penalized and failed on the second attempt.

3. Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton is the worst quarterback in my life at UT. He was 8-23 for 67 yards against Auburn. To say that this game was an atrocious display of football is insulting to the word atrocious. From UT giving Auburn a defensive touchdown by failing to execute the always complicated handoff, to Auburn's quarterback, Chris Todd, having the arm strength of a girl's power puff quarterback, this thing was epically bad on every level.

How bad? Auburn's fans booed their team while they were leading in the fourth quarter. How bad part two? Jonathan Crompton's entire quarterbacking skill seems to consist of throwing the ball really hard. He didn't complete a pass for the final 20 minutes of the game. At one point, though, he did manage to throw a three-yard slant pattern 400 miles an hour. No one on earth could have caught this thing. Yep, he's Ricky Vaughn. My book is going to be awesome. It might just end up being an itemized roster of how much money Jonathan Crompton has cost me.

There was no joy in either fan base aw we left the stadium. Everyone looked like they'd just witnessed an execution.

4. Duke beats UVa 31-3. Meaning that Duke, Northwestern, and Vanderbilt are a combined 12-1 this season. The only loss among the three? Northwestern beat Duke. All three are likely to go bowling. As if that weren't enough ESPN's College Gameday just announced yesterday that they're coming to Vanderbilt for the game against Auburn this weekend. Seriously, Vanderbilt is hosting College Gameday. Any Tennessee fan who said that losing offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe wouldn't hurt was a fool. Duke is probably 1-3 without him, UT is 3-1 with him. Anyway, the big news here is that Vanderbilt becomes the smartest school since Williams-Amherst to get College Gameday. I'm expecting signs that are so insulting, biting, and smart that ESPN isn't smart enough to note their sublime subterfuge. Don't disappoint me Vandy, don't disappoint me.

5. Alabama eviscerates Georgia. Much to the chagrin of Georgia fans, I've been one of those people who has been saying all along that Georgia was overvalued relative to the other teams in the SEC. But even I was shocked by this outcome. 31-0 at the half? Imagine how bad it would have been if Georgia hadn't blacked out the stadium.

What's the only thing worse than watching your team lose 14-12? Having to drive back across the whole state of Alabama and listen to Crimson Tide radio announcer Eli Gold have 48 orgasms on the radio.

Here's Eli, pictured above. By the way, can Alabama fans back me up on this, is Eli the only radio announcer on the Crimson Tide broadcast capable of speaking in sentences? Everyone else he had on-air with him just spoke occasional words and then uttered sounds after. How did they select these guys? Worse, who did they beat out? Eli Gold sounds like a Shakepearean actor and his co-workers sound like stand-ins for the missing link.

6. Oklahoma is your new number 1 team after the dust setlles on Saturday's results. The Sooners dispatched TCU 35-10. Four of the top ten lose. Alabama slides in at number 2 after their pasting of Georgia. Three teams from the Big 12 join two from the SEC. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what the hell is going to happen for the rest of the season is a damn fool. Survival is the operative word. Are we headed towards another two-loss national champion? Perhaps.

7. Don't look now but BYU is going to cause some major BCS headaches. They moved up to number 8 and only play one top 25 opponent for the remainder of the season (at home against Utah on the final week of their regular season) With all the attrition up top could BYU end up in the title game? Yeah, they really could.

8. UConn took down Louisville to go to 5-0 and reach the top 25 at 24 with fellow top ten crasher South Florida from the Big East. Which brings us to a second crazy thought, could BYU and South Florida end up in the national championship game? Looking at both of their schedules they'll be favored to be undefeated come season's end (with the possible exception for USF's season finale on December 6th at West Virginia). Fans would demand a playoff then, right? Right?

But, before we get to the weekend's six most interesting games, a bit more on USC-Oregon State. I hope you got a chance to watch. Thank God for Thursday night football. Otherwise this game would have kicked off on whatever crappy Fox affiliate carries the game, you'd have seen a score update sometime around 11 and started madly flipping through your cable channels to find out whether or not you even got the game. Only to find out that you don't get the station. Or if you did get it, you'd already be out the bar wallowing in your own team's loss or celebrating their victory. Thanks to the Thursday broadcast we at least had the opportunity to watch what went down.

Games like this are what make college football the most unpredictable sport in America. Oregon State was a 25 point underdog. In the entire NFL season there won't be a 25 point underdog. The crowd was out of control, Oregon State got a couple of good breaks (a would-be interception turns into a touchdown pass with four seconds left in the first half?) and USC proves their mortal.

Why do I enjoy watching and writing so much about college football? For the way momentum takes over the game. College players are held sway by the powers of their emotions much more than professional players. And a huge part of that is college crowds. Did you see how crazy the Oregon State students were? It was a mosh pit that featured a football game. There's a purity to this sporting emotion, a fullness to the hate. I firmly believe that Oregon State students hate USC. Their perceived arrogance, their perfect tans, their sunglasses, their fake breasts, their jock-itch, their Song Girls, and their constant ESPN-fellation. So much distate is manufactured for public consumption these days that I just don't believe most of it. When it comes to college games, I believe it.

It's rare that I watch a sporting event featuring teams I don't care about and think, "Man, I wish I was there." Last night I wished I was in Corvallis, Oregon. Corvallis. Forget pointing to Corvallis, I couldn't even point to the correct region on a map of Oregon. And neither could you. But last night, I wish I was there. And so do you. Anyway, here's your primer on the six most intriguing games of the weekend

UConn at Louisville (-2.5)- Apologies to the UConn fans who have been emailing asking how I haven't noted UConn's inexorable rise to Big East dominance. UConn's 4-0 but looked bad against Baylor last week. Louisville is 2-1 since their debacle at home against Kentucky. Why is this game worth watching? Because the line jumped out at me and because last year's game featured that immortal called fair-catch that turned into a punt return touchdown. This play was the difference for last year's UConn win. Anyway, this is another strange UConn line. Louisville is favored even though they haven't done much of anything this season. Does UConn have the strangest lines of any team so far this season? I think so.

Arkansas at Texas (-27)- Arkansas fans are sitting in their outhouses, tearing pages off the old Sears and Roebuck catalogs repeating over and over again, "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius," "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius,", "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius." Which makes them all sort of sound like elementary school kids saying they don't believe in the Bell Witch while they turn around in circles in front of a mirror. (Did people only do this in the South?) The theory was that a reflection of the Bell Witch would appear in the mirror. Anyway, what do both of these scenerios have in common? Merely saying the same thing over and over again, doesn't make it so. Arkansas is the worst team in the SEC by a wide margin. Should be some fireworks. Unfortunately for Arkansas, they couldn't refuse to reschedule this game after Ike.

Marshall at West Virginia (-15)- If Bill Stewart found a way to lose this game would he survive the night in Morgantown/Deadwood? I don't think so. What's more, I think it would turn into one of those The Wire-esque murders where everyone in the whole stadium knew what happened, why it happened, and who the shooter was but no one would talk. Come Sunday morning a few weary souls just trudge up the muddy hillside overlooking town and pound in an old wooden cross, say a few words ("A lifetime ago, Bill Stewart beat Oklahoma. Them was the days.") and life moves on. But, surely, surely, Bill Stewart isn't going to follow up road losses to East Carolina and Colorado with a home loss to Marshall, right? West Virginia fans would respond if they weren't so busy digging out their end-times shelter and restocking it with pork and beans.

Tennessee at Auburn (-6.5)- The reason I'm in Birmingham is to head over to this game. Going to Tennessee games is becoming like Chinese water torture. You know the drip of watery failure is coming, you're just not sure when. Will my team fumble inside the five, get a punt blocked for a touchdown or allow a punt-return for a touchdown, false start on a key third down play or jump offsides on a key third down play, there are so many questions and so few answers. Having said all that, anyone who has a clue what's going to happen in this game is a fool. The only certainty is it's going to be like two bingo winged Florida chicks kissing, painful yet you cannot look away. True story, former Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges was at last week's LSU game and sat in the stands quizzically staring down at the field. Thinking, "You fired me for this?"

Wisconsin (-6) at Michigan- Michigan and Tennessee's lockstop of college football awkwardness continues for yet another season. These programs are mirror images of one another. As I've said before, Michigan and Tennessee are to college football what dry humping is to sex. Both teams get you worked up and excited and then, inevitably, let you down and leave you chafed. There's a really good double entendre here with the spread offense but I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, Wisconsin is the last, greatest hope of the Big Ten not named Terrelle Pryor.

At some point Michigan has to recognize that their defense isn't that bad and stop forcing the offense to give away points running an ill-suited scheme, right? Just to keep the games close. Probably not, but they should. If you're a Wisconsin fan this line being so low is a bit alarming. You're having your best season in a decade, Michigan is having their worst, and Michigan is still only a six point underdog?

Alabama at Georgia (-6.5)- Georgia fraternity guy riding through campus in his Toyota 4-Runner discussing the game: "Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black! Woof, woof! Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black! Woof, woof. Turn up the Dave Matthews, dude. Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black!"

Did you hear that Georgia is wearing black jerseys? That's huge. They're having a blackout. Which is different than keeping black's out of the game. That would limit the offensive explosiveness. Hopefully no one makes the latter mistake in a show of excessive blackout glee.

Without a doubt this is Saturday's best game. If Georgia wins they're number one in the country, if Alabama wins do they have a legit argument that they should be number one in the country? Maybe. But, remember, Alabama's strength coach thinks Georgia's wearing black because they're going to a fucking funeral.

(It's at the 1:04 mark and is kind of hard to hear. Not so hard to hear that Mark Richt hasn't run with this and been appearing dressed entirely in black for his press conferences.)

Strength coaches are the craziest bastards connected to sports. Seriously, they are. Usually you don't get to hear what they say because it's so graphic even 18 year old football players are like, "Man, I don't think he should have said that."

1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

The State newspaper has Spurrier's response:

“You need to call the university police and ask them what happened. I wasn’t there,” Spurrier said. “I’ve just heard second-hand reports that there was a little fracas, a little tussle between some people we don’t know and some of our football players. ... We’ll let the police and university tell us exactly what happened and what we need to do.”

So was it a fracus or a tussle? A donnybrook or a scuffle? The world awaits. The five players involved were (right now South Carolina fans are holding their breath and turning red) "receiver C.C. Whitlock, offensive lineman Terrence Campbell, defensive lineman Melvin Ingram and defensive backs Akeem Auguste and Antonio Allen." You can exhale now, none of these guys are that important. They're the same five guys who weren't even good enough to play in a loss to Vandy.

As if this weren't enough, the article is rife with speculation that this incident was "gang-related." Thanks to the Gamecock student newspaper's interview of Biology student Tommy Nguyen, that speculation seems fairly well grounded in truth. "Nguyen overheard the instigators of the fight shouting and yelling as they hit the victim. What Nguyen overheard indicated the fight may have been gang-related.

"At first I thought [I heard] 'Bloods' or something like that. Once they started hitting him they kept saying 'What's up Red?'" Nguyen said.

Five players involved in lunchtime brawl [The State]
All out brawl breaks out in GMP [Daily Gamecock]

8. UVa at UConn (-12.5)- Remember how Al Groh was supposed to revitalize Cavs football? Yeah, those dreams have long since passed. Now dontfirealgroh.com gets more and more frustrating each week. Already Cavs fans are rooting for the good ole days when their players were being arrested at gay bars to return. But has it really gotten to the point where a UConn team that scored 12 points on Temple, Temple!, opens as a favorite by more than 12 over Virginia? Yep, that time has come. UVa beat UConn last year 17-16. But you have to take UVa with that spread, right?

7. Oregon (-8) at Purdue- This game will take 5 hours to play and end with a score of something like 56-49. The new college football rules designed to shorten the game have no prayer of helping here. Joe Tiller is the most reliably average of all Big Ten coaches. He's good for 7 or 8 wins a year (10 bowl games in 11 seasons) and will inevitably have at least a single game in September that makes you think Purdue might be a factor. Then, they aren't. Unless it's sleeting and his mustache freezes. Then, you have to watch.

Oregon is probably USC's most legit challenger in the Pac-10 and no one has mentioned them all season. Why? Because as much as the Pac-10 complains about a lack of media attention on the East Coast, the only Pac-10 teams that get any West Coast media attention are in major markets in California.

The most interesting thing about this game? Both teams had a bye coming in. Why? (Note, evidently this is not true. Both teams actually played games; Purdue-Northern Colorado and Oregon-Utah State. Even still, I stand by my bye week statement.) The second most interesting thing about this game, Oregon is traveling to Indiana for a football game. Again, why? This is one of those cross-regional games that makes no sense. Does Purdue bring in northwest recruits? No. Does Oregon hit up Indiana for players? No. Have Purdue and Oregon fans been clamoring for this match-up? No. So, why play? Just so the Pac-10 and the Big 10 can play another game on the same day as USC-Ohio State that no one on earth will remember? Brilliant.

But look at all the pretty touchdowns.

6. Auburn (-10.5) at Miss. State- Last year Miss. State and Sylvestor Croom found a way to beat Auburn at Auburn. Now, Auburn has a new quarterback, a new offensive coordinator, a new defensive coordinator, has looked mediocre in two wins thus far and they are favored by two scores in a road game. This makes zero sense to me. Granted State has looked horrible, but even when State wins they look horrible. How could you not take MSU here? I'll tell you, if Croom makes the mistake of scheduling the team fieldtrip to the only escalator in Starkville on the Friday before this game. Last year three starters were injured trying to walk the "magic stairs."

5. Oklahoma (-20) at Washington- Can you imagine what will happen if the officials, feeling sorry for Washington's excessive celebration penalty last week, blow another call on the west coast in favor of a Pac-10 school against Oklahoma. I'm rooting for this to happen just to see Bob Stoops storm the field and choke the head ref to death with his headset cord. Otherwise the Ty Willingham death march is likely to continue.

4. Michigan (-2) at Notre Dame- The fact that Michigan is favored in this game speaks volumes about Jimmy Clausen's hair. Because if you've watched Michigan's offense thus far they look like Australian aboriginees being instructed in how to build websites without first learning to read. Yet, amazingly, the over/under on this game is 37. How? The score of this game is going to be 13-10 Michigan and after it's over, Charlie Weis's amazingly invisible crotch is going to be soiled. But not for long. Immediately after he soils himself, Notre Dame fans will arrive to lick up his mess. All the while exclaiming, "Oh, yeah, Ty Willingham's the one who really blows. This isn't a blow job, this is just a European crotch cleaning."

3. Kansas at South Florida (-3.5)- This game is actually being played on Friday which means 99% of college football fans are going to think, man that sounds like a good game. Only the game will already have been played before we realize it's going on. Which is a shame because Kansas's Mark Mangino and USF's Jim Leavitt are the two angriest coaches on the sideline not named Mike Gundy. Kansas hasn't lost since John Brown's Raid but South Florida is favored at home. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what's going to happen in this game is a fool. USF is the moderately attractive girl of college football. Except she's bipolar. One party she's ski-polling two guys while sitting on the drier, the next weekend she's worn a navy pantsuit to the party and is crying into her Cranberry Diet Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm sure this is tough to take for USF fans.

Hopefully for Mark Mangino's sake he'll avoid having his picture taken alongside oranges this time.

2. Georgia (-7.5) at South Carolina- Steve Spurrier is reverting to 1994 and plans on alternating between his two quarterbacks, Smelley and Beecher. Neither of them is any good and they're probably not going to be able to throw bubble screens to wide receiver Kenny McKinley, who has an injured hamstring. Meanwhile, Georgia comes into town incensed because Mark May didn't invite Knowshon Moreno onto the set and let him demonstrate his great leaping ability by tea-bagging Lou Holtz. Also, former Georgia defensive end David Pollack is now a member of the CBS announcing team. In what capacity, I'm not sure. There's a strong part of me that wants his only role to be high-skipping into the press box while barking with Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson walking calmly behind him.

This game may be the last chance Steve Spurrier has to prove he's still relevant. Otherwise he sinks to 1-7 in his last 8. It's also one of two early SEC East games (the other is Florida-UT) where every other SEC East fanbase needs to be rooting for the underdog to win so chaos rules in the SEC East.

1. Ohio State (-11.5) at USC- Too much has been said about this game already. And the most interesting question, hasn't even been answered. How much does USC have to beat Ohio State (sans Beanie) by to guarantee that Ohio State has no chance to play in the BCS title game? 30? 40? I'm interested in the number because I really have no idea.

The Atlanta-Journal Constitution has the exchange:

Richt: “Yeah. They missed the boat or didn’t do their homework or whatever. I don’t know how they couldn’t have noticed that as thorough as it seems like that are most of the time. But it’s going to make our highlights for a long time.”

Then Brett Jensen of “TotalUGA.com,” a website that covers Georgia athletics for ESPN, piped in.

Jensen: “I spoke to some people up in Connecticut about that today. They said Fox, who had control of the game, didn’t put that in that highlight in the highlight package they sent up to the satellite.”

Richt: “You’re kidding me? [Starts laughing] Oh, so you throw Fox under the bus? I threw you under the bus and now you throw Fox under the bus. That’s the way it works.”

I think it's clear that both Fox and ESPN hate Georgia, their fans, their coach, and their running back. Both networks will stop at nothing to strip the Bulldogs of their rightful glory.

Richt: ESPN didn't do their homework [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

The ESPN conspiracy against Georgia [The Big Lead]

At long last, we've reached the start of college football season and the end of our sojourn through the top 25. Thanks a ton to all our 25 writers for helping us get ready for the new season. Our final preview is brought to you by Doug Gillett of Hey Jenny Slater. Do enjoy. By the way, the above picture comes courtesy of a reader email letting us know that Matthew Stafford is a fixture on the freshman sorority introduction party-scene. If I were a Georgia fan this would make me feel better about his maturity in the pocket. Guy's making solid decisions off the field. Also, how many years of income would you give up to be Matthew Stafford in Athens for a month? Post the analysis in the comments. I'm going with two years. Minimum.

BIGGEST STRENGTH

The vast majority of the attention given to Georgia in the offseason has focused on our offense — specifically a public-intoxication offense, a drunk-driving offense, an assault offense, and several others. (Thank you, I'll be here all week.) But defense is what's driven the Dawgs all throughout Mark Richt's tenure, and it's what's going to drive us this year. Our defense returns all but two players; we bring back our entire starting linebacking corps and three of four D-linemen, and the one guy we lose in the secondary, free safety Kelin Johnson, is replaced by a sophomore (Reshad Jones) who actually finished the '07 season with more tackles than Johnson had despite having only two actual starts. In fact, Jones and WLB Rennie Curran were responsible for the team's practices being moved to sparsely inhabited Ware County in the spring, as the speed with which they hurled themselves at ball carriers caused regular sonic booms that were deemed intolerable by Athens residents living near campus. Last year we only returned three defensive starters, yet still managed a top-20 finish in total D, holding opponents to an average of 323 yards per game; this year I don't think the fans or coaches are going to be satisfied unless we hold at least one team to negative net yardage. I'm hoping it's Georgia Tech, but that's just me. There are some issues there.

BIGGEST WEAKNESS

Widespread doom and gloom was predicted for last year's offensive line, which consisted of two returning starters and three freshmen — yet under the direction of new OL coach (and future Exalted Hero of the Bulldog Nation) Stacy Searels, they allowed only 15 sacks and paved the way for a thousand-yard rushing season from true freshman Knowshon Moreno. So when this year's line had to replace two starters, including 2nd-team All-SEC center Fernando Velasco, I was like, “Pffft, whatever, we're gonna be fine.” But then left tackle Trinton Sturdivant tore every freaking ligament in his knee in fall practice, including several that were previously unknown to medical science, and I officially started to worry. Knowshon's still going to get his yards — as will fellow tailback Caleb King, most likely — but without Sturdivant to protect Matt Stafford's blind side, it's going to be incredibly difficult to keep Staff's jersey as clean as it was last year. Stafford is actually a better scrambler than he's ever gotten credit for, but the pundits seem to have pegged 2008 as the season he breaks out as a passer and starts adding zeroes onto the end of the NFL paycheck he'll start receiving sometime in the next few years, and it's going to be hard for him to meet those expectations if he's busy being chased all over the southeastern United States by the Kirston Pittmans and Eric Norwoods of the world. (Ordinarily this would be a great spot for me to segue into a passive-aggressive whine about how diabolical Georgia's schedule is this year, but y'all are all intelligent, attentive people who have surely read up on that already, so I'll move on.)

(Knowshon loves the same parties. And slightly askew pink hats.)

DISEMBOWELING

My immediate instinct — as is that of most Georgia fans at this point, I'm sure — is to lay into Urban Meyer, he of the third-person references and the ongoing pouting over Georgia's end-zone celebration in Jacksonville last year. But I've probably done that to death, so howsabout I piss in Steve Spurrier's Cheerios for a little while. After years of being the Great Satan to Bulldog fans everywhere, the Ol' Ballcoach fell off our hate-dar a little bit by moving to Columbia, South Carolina, after the end of the 2004 season, but whatever humility he gained through a self-imposed exile to college-football Siberia was gone by Week Two of last season. After beating Georgia in Athens — his first such victory in three tries at South Carolina, and the Gamecocks' first win over the Dawgs since 2001 — Spurrier decided the time was right to pop off about how overrated Georgia was, given that the Dawgs had at that point lost five straight SEC East games. What Steve, in his hubris, evidently forgot was that South Carolina's talent level leaves him considerably more vulnerable to karmic bitch-slaps than he ever was at Florida, and not only did his own then-sixth-ranked Gamecocks proceed to lose to Vanderbilt at home, that loss kicked off a five-game season-ending face plant that left the 'Cocks 6-6 and dateless for bowl season. Those Homecoming losses to Vandy sure are a bitch, ain't they, Steve?

Toward the end of that spirit-crushing streak you could start to see in Spurrier's face that little twinge of regret over paths not taken, wondering if he might have been better off spurning the Gamecocks entirely four years ago and simply taking up golf full-time; few things would please me more than for a relentless Georgia ass-whupping this year to be the loss that sends him over the edge. The thing is, South Carolina could actually be pretty good this year, assuming that any of their QBs manage to excavate their heads from their respective rectums, but if there's any justice that won't happen until long after the Dawgs meet the 'Cocks in Columbia on September 13. When I was working at The Red & Black during my junior and senior years at UGA, we'd have an unofficial contest in the newsroom after each year's Georgia-South Carolina game to see who could come up with the most offensive headline for the game recap — trust me, “Dawgs Spank Cocks” was nowhere near the worst of what we came up with — and for the sake of the fresh-faced, idealistic young reporters now following in our footsteps at the R&B and carrying on our proud tradition of giving Georgia's journalism school a bad name, I want the Dawgs to pound the 'Cocks unmercifully this year. (See what I did right there?)

Ahh, the Coaches' Poll, when petty grievances come to light via the always democratic method of allowing 61 hated rivals to determine their best team. And who do the coaches anoint with their highly important preseason ranking? The Georgia Bulldogs. Wow. So Georiga is higher ranked by national coaches than they are by their own conference media and coaches. Proving, once again, that trouncing a Hawaii team that at least 8 members of the SEC would have beaten is certain to increase your national profile with people who have no clue about college football. Notre Dame is awesome!

By the way, highly important isn't sarcasm in regards to this poll. The preseason rankings matter more in college football than any sport in America. Because, inevitably, where you start often determines how high you're able to finish. Or, worst of all, if you start somewhere outside the top ten and two teams in front of you never lose, you're screwed. Fairness, equitability, reason: thy name is college football.

Six teams received first place votes (Georgia, Southern Cal, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Florida, and LSU) and Georgia received just 8 more first-place votes than USC. Interestingly it also appears that Steve Spurrier has stopped voting Duke in the top 25. Since the Dukies didn't get a single top 25 vote. Either that or Spurrier can't bring himself to now vote for a team helmed by Tennessee's former offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe.

At the very least, we're 27 days from college football season. And if you have a soul or you have a pulse (and you're not from Long Island) you can't fucking wait.

Top 25 Coaches' Poll [USA Today]