Getting things shaved into the side or back of your head has become popular again. 1985 rules! First black basketball players brought it back and now it's crossed over to white basketball players. Albeit German ones. Nowitzki's new 'do is appropriate considering he'll be the flag-bearer for Germany at the opening game ceremonies.

But, seriously, shaved head messages are coming back? The people behind Starter Jackets and Skidz are probably rubbing their hands together in glee.

Basketball star Nowitzki to carry German Olympic flag [AFP]
Dirk Nowitzki is excited for the Olympics [Ball Don't Lie]

Fernando Torres is owning shit so far and Spain could be running away with this thing if Torres' first big opportunity didn't go off the goalpost. Jens Lehmann looks overmatched, which is a shocker, and right now Germany's best chances are coming on ticky tack free kicks.

The majority of the first half was pretty sluggish but things have started to pick up. If Germany wants to do anything, it'll stay that way. YES, I KNOW THEY'RE COMPOSED! THEY'RE GERMANS!

• WHAT'S THAT ON ABC'S THE OUTSIDERS? PEOPLE TREATING MONKEYS AS CHILDREN!? Rise, fellow simians, rise!
• Whew. Excuse me there.
• Germans making a good-faith effort to advance the ball at the opening of the half, but Spain maintaining good containment on passing lanes.
• Silva might just want to leave the shooting to Torres.
• Best chance for the Germans so far in the 60th minutes goes wide. And Angela Merkel could use a George W. Bush backrub.
• And Silva comes out at the 66th minute. 'bout time.
• Casillas punches a shot off to somewhere near Madrid.
• Somehow Torres gets a yellow card for colliding on a header. The officiating in this game is horrible.
• That's a big whiff by Marcos Senna right there. However, we've down to the final 10 minutes and the German's aren't coming out with much in the way of a response.
• 
  

So join me, won't you, for some uninformed commentary as the Uefa title is decided in Vienna in a former World War II prison. Fun!

• Julie Foudy continues to make me regret getting an HD TV.
  
• Big T-shirt bad sandwich covers for some shuffling people symbolizing something. A lot of drugs preparation went into this intro.
• Hey, Enrique Iglesias. Apparently Europe is at the pop culture equivalent of 1999 in America. Good to know.
• A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK! THEY'RE GONNA RIP IT OFF...
• Kent Brockman on Spain early on: "Halfback passes to center. Center passes to wing, back to center. Center holds it. Holds it. [Sighs] Holds it."
• Germany getting some good early pressure. Klose has set up some opportunities but no great shots as of yet.
• Yikes. Nearly an own-goal by Germany on the best chance from Spain of either team thus far.
• Spain finally applying some consistent pressure at the 20-minute mark. Torres knocks a header over the goal on a corner.
• Ouf. Torres comes back with a great header two minutes later that caroms off the goalpost.
• And Torres scares the bejesus out of the German keeper, who has to boot it out to avoid getting stripped.
• "Torres has the Midas touch and it's a Spanish treasure!" Torres has been shredding the German defense as he bulled his way past, well, everyone. 1-0 Spain
• Spain comes right back with another great chance but Silva launches a cross pass way over the goal.
• Ballack is bloodied, possibly bowed.
• First half winding down. And Spain has taken control after a few timid charges by the Germans early on. Second half post coming up in a few.

Well, over the weekend, a German court ordered the vibrator's manufacturer to pay $65,000 to the two players, which, all told, is not an unreasonable amount to fork out for an unauthorized endorsement. We still believe this has real potential as a growth industry in the United States and are eagerly awaiting Michael Vick's special "Dogfighter" entry. Just don't let Najeh Davenport make his own model.

German Sex Toy Seller To Pay Damages To Football Stars [Yahoo News]
I'm Getting A Good Vibe From This World Cup [Deadspin]
A-Rod And Big Unit Are Still Available [Our Book Of Scrap]

FC Lokomotive Leipzig has a pretty proud history, but the club fell on hard times and went bankrupt in 2004. A group of fans re-established the team, started at the bottom, and they currently find themselves playing in the 7th tier of German football, to which the American equivalent would be... well... we don't really have one. Maybe your company's softball team, or a women's professional football team.

Fortunately, the weaponry of the fanbase reflects their current place in German football. A lot of cops were injured, mostly by cobblestones and concrete blocks. The club has condemned the violence on their website Courtesy of FreeTranslation.com:

The 1st FC locomotive Leipzig convicted the bad occurrences after the country cup-game against meadow II and dissociates itself on the sharpest of these so named "fans"!

If only any of those so-named "fans" could read.

UPDATE 1-Hooligans battle police at cup match in Germany [Reuters]

Does life get any better than this? Germany weeping and wailing, the country's manhood in freefall and Michael Ballack exposed for the empty sausage casing he is. Wait, it gets even better. Italy, a team described by my favorite newsweekly Der Spiegel as a bunch of "greasy lazy parasites," a team mired in scandal and derided for its negative style and cynical play, took that big chip on its shoulder and ground the Germans into dust yesterday in their own living room.

It took 119 furious minutes before the Mannschaft succumbed to two bolts out of the Blue that sent millions of buxom Italian women diving and flopping through the fountains of Rome. Perhaps more important, the twin daggers from Grosso and Del Piero spared us the eye-misting sight of Lehmann and Kahn hugging it out again just before the Germans won on penalty kicks. Frankly, I couldn't take another ending where Germany overcame a more stylish and technically superior opponent (Argentina, per favor) because they were able to perform in the shootout as if they had no central nervous system.

Oh sure, the Germans, under Klinsmann, had much to admire — a balls-out attacking mentality, a work ethic second to none and Klose, who can play for Arsenal anytime — but just between us frauleins, does anyone other than Angela Merkel think they deserve to have gone further? And, for all his alleged leadership qualities and playmaking abilities that caused Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich to open up a geyser of cash (35 million) for his services, I would still reserve a place for Ballack — actually next to Lampard in midfield — on the All-Multimillionaires Who-Did-Fuck-All-In-The-World Cup team. Am I being too harsh? Only if you didn't see the German captain getting undressed yesterday at the beginning of overtime when Gilardino turned him inside out before sending his shot off the post. Ballack was also involved in the most acrobatic move of the first half when he and Totti engaged in a Cirque de Soleil routine where the latter somersaulted onto the former's shoulders (where, of course, room is at a premium, since Ballack was carrying the entire German team) hoping to cushion his fall on a yellow card for his opponent.

Yes, the Italians sometimes overdid it — they are still the masters of simulated agony — but nothing that registered on my Figo-o-meter. Can we finally say it? Has the statute of limitations on Italy-bashing run out? This is a team of great craft and pugnacity, and, with the exception of the streetfight against the US and 20 minutes of the Australia game when they should have been wearing a mask and snorkel, the Azzurri have played some of the most compelling soccer in the World Cup. Their game may not be as dazzling as the mythic Brazilians (not to be confused with the 2006 Brazilians) or as lyrical as the French, but the amount of skill and concentration required to defend as brilliantly as the Azzurri do cannot be underestimated. In Cannavarro and Buffon, they have the best defender and goalkeeper in the Cup, and, in Totti, they have a head case still capable of conjuring genius, as evidenced by his audacious backheel in the box in OT.

So now the Italians are one game away from lifting the trophy, and I know at least one American who is pulling for them. I mean, if Italy wins the World Cup, what does that make the U.S., which gave them all they could handle in a 1-1 draw? Bruce Arena can take that consoling thought with him on his way out the door.

That I am alive today is a testament to the Gemutlichkeit that I feel toward my German brothers, whom I kid, but really want to see lose, too. And I'm betting that every sentient human being this side of the Rhine feels the same way as Italy goes into tomorrow's semifinal with the confidence of a team that has NEVER lost to Germany in the World Cup. But really, what do I know? I was convinced that Argentina had the Germans' number, too, only to end up with bratwurst on my face when they choked in the penalty shootout. Not that I'm bitter ... but didn't Pekerman live up to his name when he forgot that he had the best young player on the planet, Lionel Mesi, sitting on his bench, and instead put in some defensive-minded lummox for Crespo?

Oh, I'm full of questions today about the surreal weekend of World Cup action that we just witnessed. Here, in no particular order, are a few more:

• Has anyone else noticed that Michelle Lissel of Fox Soccer has gone glam on us, trading in her librarian look for a more pixie-ish bent featuring new hip specs and a sexy bob? Let's hope the boys at Maxim are paying attention.

• Why is it that when England gets knocked out of a World Cup, two things invariably happen? First, they are never beaten fair and square by an opponent's foot. In 1986, there was the fabled Hand of God, and now we have the Testicles of Carvalho. It may not be as mellifluous-sounding as Maradona's brazen piece of chicanery, but judging from the Portuguese defender's face after Rooney stomped his lunchbox, it's a lot more painful. On the other hand, when's the last time that you got kicked in the swingers and didn't have to spend the rest of the day in a fetal position with a bag of ice between your legs? The fact that Carvalho, after much moaning and writhing around, was able to continue playing only minutes later suggests either he has balls of steel ... or is Portugal's answer to Al Pacino.

Second, their marquee player always dissolves in tears. Does anyone remember the sorry sight of Gazza blubbering after he was yellow-carded during England's semi-final loss to Germany in '90? On Saturday, it was David Beckham's turn to do his best impression of Johnny Sack after he was carted away, sobbing and wailing, from his daughter's wedding. When Becks limped off in the 60th minute, the camera caught him all red-eyed before panning to Posh in the stands. It was difficult to glimpse her tears because she was wearing one of the 60 pairs of over-sized sunglasses she had brought to Germany for her three-week stay.

• When, just before the penalty shootout in Germany-Argentina, Kahn came over and put an arm around Lehman's shoulder, did you, like me, hold your breath to see whether Kahn would then use his other arm to smash Lehman's nose up into his brain and render him unconscious so he would get a chance to step in for his bitter rival in goal?. Instead, we got a touchy-feely moment for the ages with the two men clasping hands in a "Deutschland Uber Alles" shake that made my heart soar.

• And speaking of soaring, for a guy who made diving into performance art as a player, doesn't Juergen Klinsmann have some mad ups? When Lehman stoned Maxi Rodriquez' s penalty, Klinsman vaulted at least three feet off the ground and kicked his legs up like Jordan did after hitting The Jumper over Byron Russell. I think it's safe to say that Peter Crouch, all 6-foot-8 of him, has never sniffed the air at that altitude.

• Not that I'm complaining, mes amis footballeurs, but was anyone else as startled as me (and I'm just guessing Carlos Parreira) that no Brazilian defender was within a swath of Copacabana beach of Henry on Zidane's free kick? I mean, Henry was so open he must have felt like Jean-Marie Le Pen at an End to Racism rally.

Perhaps the Brazilians had heard that the last time Zidane passed to Henry was back when the Americans liberated Paris and figured he would never cede the glory to the Arsenal striker, with whom he has always had a cool relationship. But Les Bleus, after almost imploding in the early rounds, have re-discovered the fraternite that drove them to victory in '98, and it's all one big love-in now with Zizou at the heart of it. Against Brazil, it was almost as if he were taunting Ronaldinho, saying "I am the Great Zidane, three-time World Football Player of the Year and until I leave the stage you will always be in my shadow."

• And finally, what upsets you more about Brazil's stunning exit from the tournament? The thought of not getting to revel anymore in their celebrated Jogo Bonito (wait, did we EVER get see it other than in commercials?), or not getting to ogle all those gratuitous shots of Brazilian fans on Deadspin?

...and with this, we get to know Germany a little better. And really, I think this does tell us quite a bit about the Germans and how they see the world.

Phil West of Austin, Texas: "My prediction is France-Germany and some really nasty Vichy France/Arc de Triomphe parade needless trash-talk. My nightmare is Italy-Portugal, which would inadvertently be decided on a penalty kick after a dive and an accompanying (because, you know, 2006 World Cup) yellow card."

Richard Gadsden: "We've been here before, and, unusually, Germany doesn't have the advantage. In fact, Italy are 2-0-2 against Germany in World Cup Finals tournaments, including wins in a final (1982) and a semi (1970). The "bogey team" concept has already been reinforced this year by France's unlikely win over Brazil, so Italy's awesome history over Germany has to be taken seriously."

And footie guru Mike Cardillo was kind enough to send in a detailed report on both semifinal games. It is available, in its glorious entirety, after the jump.

Good idea on all reader preview. Although our knowledge is considerably less than Marcelo Balboa, we manage to get our point across without stammering!

Italy/Germany

Loathsome, contemptale, obnoxious, dispicable. Surpringly were not talking about our German overlords, nay, the greasy-haired, underwear models from Italia.

Meanwhile, the usually stern Germans have taken a cue from German-turned-California Jurgen Klinsmann and have given the host nation a bunch of thrills, amazing with smiles instead of moustaches and bad perms on their face.

That said, that means nothing when they meet Tuesday in the 'Opera House' that is the Westfalenstadion in Dortmund.

If you take the tournament as a whole, Italy has been the most impressive team — including the USA debacle in Kaiserslautern. No opposing player is yet to penetrate Gianluigi Buffon's net.

Also, for all the talk of the Italian football scandal, it's probably brought the team closer together and given them a rallying point.

Meanwhile, the Germans have only played one good team — Argentina — and needed a miracle in kicks to defeat them. Die Mannschaft's only chance is if Michael Ballack plays like the player Chelsea has spent all these Euros on. Don't count on Klinny pulling the right strings.

For some reason this game is going to atone, at least for the Italians, for the Cup in 1990. Italy, as hosts, were ousted in the semifinals by Argentina. My grandfather was in Italia during the tournament and basically described it as dour as if the Pope was shot. (Well...not exactly his words.)

Therefore Italy denies the hosts their chance to become champions on homesoil. Luca Toni with another brace. The Pick: Italy 2, Germany 0

France/Portugal

It's hard to call Portugal a surprise or underdog. The small Atlantic state has continually churned out, fun, attacking players and with Big Phil Scolari at the reigns can lockdown the backline with the best of them. Still, this is only their fourth World Cup and first semifinals birth since the great Eusebio in 1966.

For France, everyone, HOPED they were dead in the Group Stage. Really, even with geniuses like Zidane and Henry you cannot root for the Les Blues. Still, the '98 champs have looked better and gained confidence since dispatching Togo 2-0 and did send Brasil (which played dismally against quality opponents) packing.

This will be a pairing of two teams using the 4-5-1 formation, the difference will be a rested Deco, who sat out the Engerland win with a Red card suspension. France has put too much into the last two wins and their astrology loving coach Raymond Domenech's luck runs out here.

You can't overstate the impact of Big Phil. The players absolutely love him and don't think they can lose with him on the touchline. Did you see him bearhug each and every player after the win over England? They'll atone for losing Euro 2004 on homesoil with a win here.

The pick: Força! Portugal wins it for Nelly Furtado, 1-0.

Therefore, we have Germany vs. Argentina, and it really should be a rockin' good time, yes.

Your live blogger, back from Germany, is Mike Cardillo of That's On Point, and you know that he knows his stuff. So swim the rivers of the comments, follow along after the jump, and let's try to keep it clean out there. If by "clean," you mean "FILTHY."

———————————————————————————-

That's it. Auf Wiedersehen.

Schwarz und Weiss!!!!!!!!!! (Check out that video. Here's the link again. )

It's getting ugly. A pushing match has broken out. Tears for Cambiasso. Too bad.

Argentina clammed up after thier goal. Credit Germany for grinding it out. The agony and the ectasy.

Time to "Stand Up for the Champions."

Wowzers. A tip of the cap Herr Lehmann.

Penalty Kicks....

Argentina: Cambiasso (SAVED) Germany wins 4-2 on PKs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Germany: Borowski (made) 4-2 ... Germany on the brink !!!!!! (Celo: He has to make this or its over....Duh)
Argentina: M. Rodriguez (made) 3-2
Germany: Podolski (made) 3-1
Argentina: Ayala (SAVED) 2-1
Germany: Ballack (made) 2-1
Argentina: Cruz (made) 1-1
Germany: Nueville (made) 1-0

(Hate to toot my own horn, but I did predict Germany wins 4-2 in kicks....which is good for absolutely nothing.)

My nerves are racing and I really don't care who wins....gotta love the World Cup.

PENALTY KICKS (Brough to you by AIG, official shirt sponsor of the Manchester Bucaneers.) — ....First some U2...odd......OH BABY —- I CAN HEAR IT. FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Germany can't lose.

END EXTRA TIME: that's it. We're going to kicks. Both teams are 3-0 in WC history in PKs. Oh baby.

120' — Argetina with a good FK from Max-Rod...headed out by Ballack.

118' — Tevez roofs another shot. ... Ballack returns after a nice groin rubdown. (Marcelo said it, not me.)

116' — GErman with its best chance. Decent 1-2 with Borowski and Odonkor, Odonkor's shot is right at Franco. ... Ballack is down and out on the sideline getting treatment. He's done-zo. Get the man some fluids!

115' — Yellow on Friedrich for foul on Tevez at midfield. ... Wooooh....a long ranger from Sideshow Coloccini....nearly sneaks under the bar. In fact it hit the top of the bar.

114' — Sideshow Coloccini with a crack from 25....curves wide. Decent attempt.

113' — Should this go to kicks, big edge to Germany and Arsenal-man Lehman...eve with his Hasselhoff perm.

111' — Dave O' Brien seems to really be enjoying Extra Innings....er Extra Time. .... Argentina with a corner. ... over Lehman's net.

109' — Argie corner...headed out by Ballack.

108' — Don't forget the winner of this game is guaranteed two more games with the Third Place game going to the losers of the semifinals.

106' — I'll say again — Where is Diego Maradona? ... Tevez with a crack off the restart, saved easily by Lehman. .... For those three of you here to watch Paintball...you have to wait until 9 p.m. tonight. Ratfarts.

105' — Gonzalez with a blast wide, Argentina's best chance in OT....and we are done with the first half of extra time. Not much happening here. Both sides looked gassed.

103' — For a guy that lives in SoCal, Klinsmann's sideline attaire looks rather....accountant-like. Oh man...how could I forget the US Women's Open is this weekend. Best...event....ever....

102' — Corner for Germany....header by Metzelder sails high, after a collision.

101' — Germany's subs: Odonkor, Nueville and Borowski have certainly made a bigger impact than Cruz, Cambiasso and Franco, thus far.

99' — Ballack fakes getting elbowed in the face, but escapes getting carded.

96' — Yellow to Cruz on an elbow on Lahm. ... Odonkow with some slick work on the sideline. Klinsmann made a wise choice including the young Borussia Dortmund-man.

94' — The neck gash on Tevez is absolutely terrifying. It probably helps give him his edge...but he hasn't done anything since the first half. ... DOB: 'Why haven't we seen Messi yet?" MB: "Because they used all their subs." Brilliant.

91' — I'll say this, I'm glad they dumped the Golden Goal. Not exactly the fairest way to determine things in a game this important. .. Germany looks the stronger going forward, but they have to respect the Argetina counter attack. [I made a mistake, Argetina has used all its subs and we won't see Messi.]

END REGULATION — No matter how this one ends (PKs), you have the feeling both sides are going to be talking about it for quite some time. Not the greatest game, persay, but factor in the pedigree's on the teams in involved it should be an epic finish. How much gas will Argentina have left? Ayala and Maschero have each now played close to 480 minutes of football at the Cup.

90+' — Yellow to Odonkor for a challenge on Cambiasso. ... Argie FK from 40+, probably the last chance in regulation. Ballack heads out and that's it. EXXXTRA TIME.

90+' — Danger for Germany ... but Max-Rod's corner is harmless.

90' — Germany needs to hold some possession, otherwise Argentina might just snatch one up at the last second. ... We have FOUR minutes of stoppage time.

88' — Max-Rod picks up a yellow for diving in the box. ... You can hear the the collective gasp from the crowd each time the Argies break toward the box.

87' — Both teams are trying to go for it in regulation. ... Nueville comes on for Klose. Final change for Germany. Argentina has one in the bank.... Messi? Anyone?

83' — This ought to be some great stuff in the last knockings. It cannot be overstated, when Ballack is on point, the Germans are one of the world's best. .... Meanwhile Peckerman may come to rue those subs he made.

80' — GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLL. Great work from the Germans. Ballack sends in from the left, flicked by Borowski to Miroslav Klose, who buries the header. Fifth goal for Klose. GREAT STUFF. Borowski has really made a difference. Klinsmann pulls the strings. 1-1.

79' — Klose with a chance in the box but can't handle cleanly. .. . The Deutschland chants are getting louder.

78 ' — Where is Diego. Where? The bathroom? ... Crespo off, Inter's Julio Cruz in.

77' — Borowski with a shot. Franco saves cleanly. "He needs time to get into the game."

75' — Tevez commits a foul at the top of the box. Germany with ANOTHER chance. 20+ yards....Ballack lines up over it, along with Podolski. Blasted into the wall.

74' — Bifi off, Werner Bremen's Tim Borowski on for Germany.

73' — Maxi Rodriguez with a chance......wide of the net, barely. Balboa says Rodriguez (with about 1 second to think MUST go far post.)

72' — Riquelme comes off for Cambiasso. Purely defensive move. Could come back to hurt the Argies if Germany is able to equalize. Peckerman knows how to pull the strings, though.

69' — Germany lines up a freekick, yet Abbondanzieri is in major pain after a collision with Klose. He just collasped to the ground. Looks like Leo Franco has to come in. Franco playes for Athletico Madrid. Could be a huge break for Germany. ... Btw...Bifi takes the kick well high.

67' — Germany wins another corner. ... Nothing doing once again. There might be 20+ minutes left, but they arn't playing with much of a sense of urgency.

64' — CHANCE BLOWN! Abbondezieri whiffs coming out on a corner. The ball rolls loose right to Ballack. His attempt is blocked by Ayala's chest. Germany will rune that miss.

63' — The way Ballack is paying its like he's being bogged down by whatever grease he puts into that lush black mane of his.

61' — David Odonko is readying to come in. Remember he had an assist in the 1-0 win over Poland two weeks ago. Will will see Oliver Nueville too? The Germans could use his craftiness. ... SCHNEIDER off ODONKOR on.

60' — Yellow to Maschero. Germans with a great oppurtunity right outside the box on the rightside. Podolski takes it ... skies it well wide and high. Landon Donovan would be proud.

59' — If this result holds up, I would not want to be Jurgen Klinsmann. The knives will be out. The Germans want to keep the party going another week. (Although I would take the Bakers Son to coach the USA.)

57' — Ballack with a chance, but loses the ball again.

50' — Germany trails for the first time in this tournament. The classic German atrribute is that they never stop working and can come back at any time. Considering how Argentina plays, the Germans still have a chance here. The game HAS to open up now. Paging Herr Ballack.

49' — Argentina corner...GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL., Roberto Ayala. Header off the coner. (Dave O'Brien said it was Lucho Gonzalez. Well done.) Lehman, no chance. Perfect ball from Riquelme.

47' — Podolski takes a free kick, that the Argentine keeper comes out to catch.

46' — Man, I could go for a nice plate of Currywurst or a Donner Kebab right now. The players look like they are bogged some with pig intestines. ... Sorin booked on a challenge of Friedrich. He'll miss the next match, should Argentina win.

Pre-second half: Will Germany be content to let this go to penalty kicks? They have to try something offensively. ... When will Argentina unleash Messi? But with Crespo and Tevez do they even have to?

(Hate the way ESPN is covering the Cup? Well everyone's favorite Ombudesman, George Soloman checks in.)

HALFTIME — Want some entertainment from the Germans? Click here. I need to collect myself, maybe eat a sandwich and take an advil after 'Celo's work.

45+ — Schweinsteiger takes a free kick. Argentina clears it. And thankfully that puts an end to this underwhelming display.

43' — Again, 'Celo is from another planet, calling the Argentina/Holland game one of the best he's seen. Personally I thought it was pretty dull, especially at the end since neither team really seemed to care if they won or lost. ... I don't mean to pile on, but it's painful to listen to. And I think O'Brien mixed up the Argentine schdule, saying they played Serbia first. Whatever. Maybe I'm just ranting here because this game has been so dull. We need a goal quick to make the teams come out of their shell.

42' — Wow, it took this long before O'Brien mentioned the weather. Shocking.

39' — FOUR Germans are needed to strip Tevez at the top of the penalty box. Its only a matter of time before I squeaks past one of the German oaks in the back.

37' — You think O'Brien would like to take back saying that, "German came out blitzing Sweden the first 20 minutes.'"

35' — Typical for soccer. Build up a game to be a classic and of course it turns out to be schizer. (Though as I learned in Germany, shit is shit.)

34' — Argentina free kick, nothing happening.

33' — 'Celo is giving a lecture to Lahm on how to cross the ball. Yep, I distinctly remember you 'Celo, as a defender making numerous crosses during your tenure with the USMNT. ... Lahm, it should be noted is wearing a Lex Luther (the wrestler) style wrapping on his 'bionic' elbow.

30' — A quick word on Bastian 'Bifi' Schweinsteiger. First, his name means, 'pig climber.' Second, his haircut is nothing short of awful. Basically taking a razor and zig-zagging it across, sort of like a mohawk, but not. However this makes him fashionable in German. Last, he endorsed the German version of Slim Jim, 'Bifi.' However instead of a indescriminant brown mish-mash of processed pork endtrails, the Bibi looks like a shriveled up....figure it out.

28' — Podolski with another dumb foul, though it's not going to hurt his 'Q' rating with the German teenie population, who simply can't get enough of 'Poldi'.

26' — Not much going on here. Nerves seem to be at play, both teams appear to be playing not to lose, rather than to win. Of course there are still 65 minutes (plus ET) of football to go.

23' — Our first mention of hte 1936 Olympics. ... Also, we haven't seen a shot of Diego Maradon yet. I would have set the bar at at least four shots of the Argentine icon.

21' — Maybe it's me (or the ESPN mics) but the German crowd sounds very subdued. I guess that old stereotype of Germans being joyless and stern has found its way into Berlin. It's odd because when I was in Germany, the hosts were very jubliant. Flags everywhere. Even the cops got into the fun. ... However in a game this important, its understanble that the crowd is a little tense. Still, seems quiet.

18' — Mertesacker with a shot (after a free kick) that sails well high. ... Tevez nutmegs a German defender and sends it into Sorin. Argies get a corner. Nothing comes from the corner, though Sorin had a free header.

16' — Ballack with a patented run into the box. Takes the flick from Schneider, but puts the header wide. Great chance missed.

15' — Tevez, though just 5-foot-8, is a beast. And in what no doubt rankles many Brasilains, is the best player in their league now with Corithnians. You just wonder, do they pay him enough so it doesn't look like he just spent the night sleeping under a bridge.

13' — Balboa has just talked for about a minute without taking a breath. Something about Argentina players doing the tango. ... Is it just me or does Argentina not nearly look as intimidating in the dark blue kit?

9' — I will conceed that Dave O'Brien has gotten marginally better as the tournament has progressed. Yet Balboa just won't shut up. He takes eons to get his point across. Each play doesn't need a two-minute rambling, incoherent babble. Trying to stay calm.

7' — Germany lines up a FK from 35. Podolski puts it on target, Abbondazieri muffs, but quickly covers up the rebound.

6' — Lahm sneaks up and sets up Ballack from 25 yards. Ballack, who stars in a commerical that airs during each and every Cup game in Deutschland, where he hails a cab for tourists — is stripped of the ball before he can muster a crack.

4' — Our first, of what should be many yellow cards. Lucas Podolski on a silly challenge. Over/under on yellow cards today is eight.

2' — Argentina gets its first chance, a free kick from about 45 yards. Riquelme takes it. And......foul on Argentina.

Disclaimer: We are going to try to lay off the ESPN announcers. Emphasis on try. I rewatched USA.Italy last night any Davey Boy O'Brien said that Italy defeated the hosts to win the 1982 World Cup in Spain. Um no Dave, West Germany did not host the tournament in Espana. (I set the over under on 15 minutes before I go over to Univision.)

Pregame: We just had the captains — Michael Ballack and Juan Pablo Sorin — read something to the crowd. As expected ESPN didn't bother to translate the German or Spanish or offer any idea to what they said. Maybe something about a discount at 'OBI' the German equal of Home Depot , with used match ticket.

Scanning the German team during their National Anthem, I notice neary a moustache resting on the lips on Der Mannschaft, which was the calling card of Rudi Voeller, et al in 1990. Oh right, bad perms too.

Guten tag Internet.

You're looking (live) at the 73,000 seat Olympiastadion in Berlin. Opened in 1936, it hosted the summer Olympics that year.

Most famously Jesse Owens won a ton of gold medals, sticking a great big American up-yours to Hitler. (Expect ESPN's Dave O'Brien to mention this fact at least three times today, likely during a goal.)

Today's first quarterfinal is a whopper of a match-up, pitting three-time winners Germany, the hosts, vs. two-time winners Argentina. The sides met in consecutive World Cup finals in 1986 and 1990. Argentina prevailed 3-2 in front of 114,570 in Mexico City. Der Mannschaft earned revenge, Tuetonic style four years later when they ousted the Albicelestes 1-0 in Rome. The 1990 affair will be remembered for two things — 1. it is widely regarded as the worst WC final, as the lone goal in a foul-filled affair came via a Andreas Brehme 84th minute spot kick. 2. it is the first WC cup I can remember watching.

Overall Germany (and as West Germany) owns a 2-1-1 edge vs. Argentina in World Cup play.

The squads last met in the group stage of the 2005 Confederations Cup, drawing 2-2.

That's enough of a history lesson for today. Regardless of the combantant's pedigree's, this is a mouth watering matchup, worthy of a final let alone a quarterfinal.

Consider:

* Although they haven't played anyone you'd necessarily classify as 'good' or even 'slightly mediocore' Germany is 4-0-0 thus far. Argentina is 3-0-1, with their tie coming a rather meaningless Group C encounter with the Netherlands, after each team had already booked passage into the second round.

* Each team has scored 10 goals, conceeding just two.

* German striker Miroslav Klose leads all scores with four tallies. Meanwhile Hernan Crespo and Maxi Rodriguez each have three, as does Lucas Podolski for Germany.

* Argentine playmaker Juan Roman Riquelme and German midfielder Bastian 'Bifi' Schweinsteiger each have three assists to co-lead the tournament. (Riquelme also has the most touches at the tournament.)

* Both teams are hated by the English, for varying reasons.

Lineups:

Germany

GK: Jens Lehman
Def: Philip Lahm/Christoph Metzelder/Per Mertesacker/Arne Friedrich
Mid: Bernd Schneider/Torsten Frings/Michael Ballack/Bastian Schweinsteiger
For: Miroslav Klose/Lucas Podolski

Argentina

GK: Roberto Abbondanzieri
Def: Juan Pablo Sorin/Fabricio Coloccini/Gabriel Hinze/Roberto Ayala
Mid: Javier Mascherano/Juan Roman Riquelme/Maxi Rodriguez/Luis Gonzalez
For: Hernan Crespo/Carlos Tevez

Players to watch:

Germany — Metzelder/Mertesacker (will be under constant pressure from skilled attackers all day); Ballack (Germany's best player has yet to leave his stamp on the tournament); Frings (battle vs. Riquelme is worth keeping an eye on)

Argentina — Crespo (scored in his last four WC games); Tevez (gets the start over Javier Saviola and Lionel Messi)

That's enough of my yapping.

Get comfortable, this one has penalty kicks written all over it.

Prediction: Germany 2, Argentina 2 (Germany wins 4-2 in PKs)

Now that we've gotten rid of all the riff-raff — the Americans and their MLS-worthy skills, the Spanish and their hateful monkey-chanting fans, the Oranje, who we now know REALLY is made up of red and yellow, and a couple of whistle-happy referees who I trust have been shipped off to Gitmo — and now that Dave O'Brien and 'Celo have been deported from Germany (oh wait, that was just a dream) ... what are we left with?
Well, some kick-ass soccer, for one thing. I don't know about you, but I've been unable to detox from the World Cup even on days where there are no games. Fortunately I've been able to pore over my old Deadspin posts and relive all the hilarious "Hirshey squirts" jokes. But even those bon mots don't compare to the febrile anticipation I feel as I await today's quarterfinal between Germany and Argentina, those proud soccer uber-powers and, of course, two of my favorite places to go look for war criminals in the off-season.

(C'mon, you knew I was going to shtup in one Nazi joke in a Germany-Argentina preview. I promise I'm done, though — unless the Germans advance).

This is a matchup to savor, one that, if the brackets had been different, could easily have been the final, just as it has been twice before. Argentina won in 1986, Germany four years later. History favors Argentina, which hasn't lost to Germany in 16 years, but location favors the Germans, who are riding a flag-waving, horn-tooting, anthem-singing wave of nationalistic fervor not seen since the Wall fell in 1989. "We are very confident," warned German coach Juergen Klinsmann, who has morphed from California surfer bum pariah to swashbuckling messiah in the space of four emphatic victories. "We will go in with total aggression and total passion, and we'll see how Argentina reacts."

Klinsmann, a lively, stylish goal-scorer in his day, has rebuilt the Mannschaft in his image. Where once Germany relied on its ruthless power and unrelenting work rate to steamroll opponents into submission, it now attacks with verve and precision. Miroslav Klose (or as he's known on Der Deadspin, "The Closer") and Lukas Podolski are the main predators, but it's the captain and Chelsea midfielder — oh how it hurts to type those two words — Michael Ballack who drives the team forward. As always, the Germans are well-organized at the back with big, strong Teutonic specimens (their two central defenders stand 6-foot-5 and 6-foot-3), but that length and physical menace, which hold them in good stead in aerial battles, can expose them when faced with fast, tricky forwards.

Costa Rica's Paulo Wanchope burned them for two goals in the opener, and Argentina has a quartet of gunslingers — Crespo, Saviola, Tevez and Messi — more lethal than him. They also have the great Riquelme, who was the fulcrum of that now legendary 24-pass movement that basically separated Serbia from Montenegro once and for all, and Maxie Rodriquez's electrifying 30-yard volley against Mexico still stands as the goal of the tournament. Oh yes, did I mention that both their coach Jose Pekerman and their captain Juan Pablo Sorin are Jewish, according to New Republic striker Franklin Foer via Goal Post. Not that that stuff matters to me, but it might spell the end for Maria Mueller.

You might remember that Frau Mueller, 94, was recently found slumped over in her chair by her son. A doctor was summoned and after checking her pulse, declared her dead. That's when Frau Mueller reportedly sprang up from her chair like Klose in front of goal and declared "Not likely, not until I see if Germany wins the World Cup. There's still life in these old bones yet."

Enjoy the game, Frau Mueller, there's always 2010.

And we're already down to fifteen. The Germans took care of the Swedes this morning with typical German ruthlessness, winning 2-0. Lukas Podolski scored twice within the first twelve minutes for the Germans, and a Swedish missed penalty kick in the 53rd minute buried them for good. My brother watched the game at an airport with a Swedish woman sitting next to him, crying her eyes out. But he bought her a beer, so I think she was OK.

At three o'clock, it's Argentina vs. Mexico, for the right to face Germany. Argentina's been arguably the most impressive team of the tournament thus far. Mexico... well, Mexico advanced because their group included Angola and Iran. If Groups E and C are the Groups of Death, then Mexico's Group D was the Group of Delicious Cupcake Frosting. They accumulated a 1-1-1 record there, while Argentina sports a 2-0-1 record, including a 6-0 thrashing of Serbia & Montenegro.

Germany 2-0 Sweden [BBC Sport]
The New Group of Death [WorldCupBlog]

That was all very technical, of course; what's really fun, as always, will be the crazy home-country fans, who will be looking to send the crew into the Round of 16 in style. Yeah: Germany vs. Ecuador.

We were going to live blog the Costa Rica-Poland game right alongside this, but the live blogger of that game is stuck with technical problems. So this is your lone live-blog this morning. It's Benny Hsu, purveyor of The Sports Pulse. You can email him with your thoughts, follow along in the comments and hey, enjoy the bringing the rock, rockers.

Post game: The Germans are going to party tonight like it's 1999. Thanks for those few who may have followed along with me. Thanks to Will for the opportunity to contribute to the best sports blog out there. Enjoy the rest of the World Cup games.

92:08 The referee blows the final whistle. 3-0 butt whooping. Germany wins the group. Their opponent will be decided later today. If England ties or wins they will win the group and avoid a matchup with Germany. Though as a soccer fan that would be a dream matchup.

90:00 Free kick just outside the box for Ecuador. Again the Germans with a huge wall up. This time the shot goes way low. Corner kick for Ecuador.

89:00 Ecuador looks lethargic out there today. They looked worse than Togo and that's pretty bad.

86:44 A strong shot by Ballack that is saved by the goalie. It actually seemed to knock him back because it was struck so hard.

83:00 Pace of the game is slowing down. Germany still trying to score but fumbles the ball when they get close.

80:41 I don't vote for the man of the match but my vote is for the little boy, Jose, in this ubiquitious Nike commericals. Second place would be Klose with two goals.

76:00 Ballack "DRIVES IT!!" as JP said. Driving a Mercedes instead of a Volkswagen probably.

74:40 Borowski with a yellow card. I missed what it was for and with the confused look on his face he missed it too.

73:36 Another mention of the scenario for the USA team. They need to play like the Germans basically.

71:00 The Germans set up a nice wall and the ball sails way over. Not the first them there's been a nice wall in Germany.

69:00 Foul from behind and Ecuador with a nice chance with a free kick from the top of the box. I always wonder how the opposing players communicate each other and with the referee since everyone's from a different country. Since Chinese is the most spoken language on the planet, I'll assume that's how they communicate.

66:00 First substitution for Germany. Klose comes out but Ballack is still in the game. Surprising. I wouldn't want to risk injury or a second yellow care for a match that is one sided. Hope the plan doesn't backfire for Klinsmann. He might have to hide in the Afghan caves if Ballack got seriously hurt.

63:00 Ecuador makes their first subsitution. It's two names I've never heard of before so I wont' bother to look it up.

62:00 I'm glad soccer is not like baseball where the coaches/managers have to wear the uniform. It'd be even worse if they had to wear shin guards and long socks as well.

59:00 Again Podolski almost had another goal. Ballack with a nice run to goal and a short cross to Podolski. They must be going for Argentina's record of six goals in this World Cup.

56:39 GGGGOOOAAALLL!! I'd be losing my voice if I wasn't typing it. Podolski finally gets his goal on a nice cross from Schweinsteiger. All he had to do was redirect the ball. 3-0 now Germany.

52:50 Podolski has a great opportunity on goal but just shoots it wide. They show the mandatory shot of Klinsmann's reaction to the missed goal. Thanks to a two goal lead, it didn't look like he was going to turn into the Incredible Hulk.

51:00 First yellow card of the game given to Valencia. He went studs up into Ballack's ankle. Somewhat similar to the Mastraoni foul in the Italy game. Dangerous foul. Ballack is walking off and the country of German can breath.

48:50 Tenorio gets a shot off the Lehmann. He finally had to make a save. No sweat though. He's with leather.

45:40 Lots of traffic inside the box and almost another goal for German. This time it was Podolski who had the best chance.

Halftime: In the first half the Germans domainted. They had three shots on goal (scored 2) while Ecuador has the goose egg. I don't see many hard and nasty fouls. Probably because both know they are moving to the round of 16 and are risking no major injuries on both sides. Wonder if Klinsmann will take out starters to save their energy and avoid second yellow cards.

I can imagine both teams in the locker room playing online poker or playing FIFA on the XBOX 360. That's how laid back this game feels.

Whittlz is threatening to get a pedicure unless Ecuador turns this game around. Let's hope the 2nd round bring us more action.

45:00 That is the half. Thanks to Klose the Germans have a 2-0 lead in this game. Ecuador looks content to look forward to the next round. Enjoy halftime but try not to stare directly at Julie Foudy.

43:03 GOOOOOOAAALL again for Klose! Ballack puts a nice chip pass to Klose who takes a touch to the right to avoid the goalie and has an open net to shoot. Great goal scorers finish opportunities like this. Two goals in the game for Klose.

40:00 So far there have been 18 fouls in this game but no yellow cards. That must be a record in this World Cup. The USA/Italy game was just about to have 2 red cards by this point.

37:08 Lehman still hasn't had a shot on goal on him. Ecuador gets a shot off but it was headed for the seats.

36:15 Quick counter for Ecuador but there were two yellow jerseys against four white ones. I know that's more white than yellow even though it's early.

33:44 Hard foul on Ballack. He got an elbow to the head by Guagua. Elbow to the head but not even a yellow card.

32:49 Not much to say about Ecuador. So I will say that the main currency in Ecuador is the US Dollar. I never knew that.

32:00 Free kick opportunity from outside the 18 yard box for Matt Damon look alike captain Michael Ballack.

29:15 Podolski has a break away but the goalie comes out to kick the ball away. Ballack had an open goal from 40 yards away but sails it wide right.

28:18 Again another mention and discussion about the USA game. I have a feeling this will be a common theme this whole match. Especially if this turns into a one sided game.

27:32 The crowd is not booing but they're saying "HUTH" for defender Robert Huth. What a last name.

26:08 Costa Rica has scored and leads 1-0 over Poland. Poland was expected to finish second in the group behind Germany. So far they haven't scored a goal yet. We know that feeling.

24:30 Klose with another chance to score but the ball was a bit too fast for him and grabbed by the goalie. Again the goalie has the Ecuadorian flag painted on his face.

21:39 First player down in the game. Kaviedes goes down in a lot of pain. But quickly is brought back to life.

18:54 The quickest goal in a World Cup finals match, as recognised by FIFA, is 11 seconds, scored by Hakan Sukur of Turkey against Korea Republic at Daegu, Korea on June 29, 2002.

18:19 Germany again with another great play down the sideline. The cross came back to the middle but was shot over the goal.

16:00 We are reminded again the situation for the USA game. We must pray basically.

13:52 Germany applying the pressure still. Ecuador has taken out some of their starters including top scorer Tenorio. Having a tough time stringing passes. It shows.

10:57 Quickest goal for Germany since 1978. It was a great goal as well. Time for an extra beer.

08:31 All the possession thus far has been mainly in the German half of the field.

05:53 That is the first time I have ever seen a short pass off a free kick and then immediately another foul. It is like 5 yards to the right this time.

05:08 Foul outside the top left corner of the penalty box. Dangerous situation for Germany. They are looking to dominate this game for the home fans in Berlin.

03:40 GOOOOOOALLLLLL!!!!! Not off the corner kick but the ball kept alive afterwards! Goal scoring machine Klose drives the ball about 10 yards away an drills it into the goal. He then does a backflip to celebrate.

03:00 First corner kick of the match goes to Germany.

01:00 Ecuador already with their first real scoring chance on a cross but saved by Lehmann.

00:00 Germany sporting their classic white and black uniforms. Ecuador comes out in their yellow jersey, with blue shorts, and red socks.

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I'm excited to be live blogging this game. Thanks to Will for giving me the space. I hope to do my best to give you play-by-play during the next two hours.

Preview:Ecuador has certainly impressed so far this World Cup and they currently have the lead in the group based on the goal differentials. A draw for them would be enough to give them first place in the group and avoid a clash with England. Germany on the other hand needs to win this game if they are going to finish first so there will be plenty to play for here. The Germans are going to be fielding their strongest line-up for this game despite the fact that Captain Michael Ballack is carrying a yellow card into this game. Word out of the Ecuadorian camp is that they may rest players sitting on a yellow card for the knock out stage. They may be content to just be at this point now and will start to make preparations for the knock-out stage regardless of who they draw. Carlos Tenorio will be held back by Ecuador as he nurses an injury and coach Suarez may make as many as 5 moves for this match.

For those who get excited about World Cup gambling today Germany is favored by one goal with the over/under total goals at 2.5. If you are betting you would have known this already.

Announcing Crew: Today we thankfully don't have to listen to the yelling of Glen Davis and Shep Messing. Instead we are in the presence of an all American team of JP Dellacamera and John Harkes.

JP has worked with ESPN since 1985. He's been the lead commentator for the last three Women's World Cup. JP is the man who called the USA vs China 1999 Women's World Cup penalty kick shootout final. Who can forget hearing " The shot-save, Scurry!" Or you forgot to make room what happen when you mix mentos and a 2 liter soda.

John Harkes made his debut as a soccer commentator this World Cup. One of the most accomplished American soccer players ever, John Harkes was a fixture in the midfield for the National Team as captain in the mid 1990s. He led D.C. United to two MLS titles in '96 and '97. Starred as Ed McIlvenny in the 2005 movie The Game of Their Lives, a film about the United States' historic 1-0 victory over England in the 1950 World Cup. Also in that movie? The oldest son from "Home Improvement" and Gavin Rossedale from the band Bush or husband of Gwen Stefani. In 1994, Harkes appeared on People magazine's annual "The 50 Most Beautiful People" issue. Hard to believe by looking at the picture above.

Babe for the match:
Finally, this is for those who only come to the live soccer blog to look for the babe of the match. Since Will did not provide one in the picture I will help. When I think of Germany, only one supermodel comes to mind. Auf Wiedersehen (Semi SFW)

OK, I admit it. Like my European ancestors before me, I underestimated the Germans, and now I'm paying the price. I find it difficult to sleep, to eat, to have any hope for the future. Ringing in my ears are yesterday's thunderous chants of "Deutschland, Deutschland," and all I can see are stiff-armed salutes and young German thugs brawling with riot police in the streets. The only thing missing was Leni Riefenstahl's highlight reel on "SportsCenter."

Let's face it: When the German boot comes down on the Polish throat, can anyone rest easy? But perhaps I'm overreacting. The Poles are not the Argentineans, or even the Dutch, the Germans' two most likely opponents in the next round. But for 90 minutes yesterday, I was dancing the polka as the Poles tied the Germans' lederhosen in knots. It almost looked as if Poles would escape, but if history tells us anything about the Germans, it's that they don't go gently into the guten nacht.

Just when you thought that the Polish-born German strike force of Klose and Podolski had blown one too many chances, and that the Soccer Gods in the guise of the crossbar had smiled down on the Poles, calamity struck. When the Polish defender Radoslaw Sobolewski was harshly sent off 15 minutes from the end, reducing the side to 10 men, the Germans went all 1936 on them. Even the goalkeeping heroics of Poland's Boruc were not enough to counter the revived German onslaught.

When Oliver Neuvile ran 20 yards to slide in a pinpoint cross from fellow substitute David Odonkor in stoppage time, causing German coach Juergen Klinsmann to do his gyrating Taylor Hicks imitation on the sidelines, ESPN's Eric Wynalda articulated what many people were thinking: "The Germans are good enough to win it all."

But I'm not handing them the Cup just yet. Let's not forget that they took 90 minutes to break down a pedestrian, albeit gritty Polish side, and that the victory was their first over a European team in the final stages of any tournament in a decade. I still think they're slow at the back and their midfield, judging by the way Ballack got into his teammates' faces and his constant gesticulating when passes went astray, is not exactly full of Gemutlichkeit.

That said, if they do beat Argentina or Holland, I'm packing up my family heirlooms and moving into a neighbors' attic until 2010.

It's Germany vs. Poland, and the home crowd is sure to be fired up. Though it always makes us nervous when Germans get fired up. It just does.

Your live blogger is John Bolster, sports editor at Penthouse magazine and an all-around outstanding fellow. After the jump, the live blog begins. Have fun, and feel free to email us any thoughts.

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We couldnt have said it better ourselves. Thanks for playing, folks. See you next week for Portugal-Mexico.

Will to Team Penthouse: "Okay, this game RULES!"

Well that's it. As Gary Lineker famously said: football is a game of two halves, of 45 minutes each, at the end of which Germany wins. And Poland is pretty much out of Germany 'O6.

93:00 Poor Boruc. His valiant effort goes for naught: Germany wins, 1-0. Eighty-five years of futility, and counting, for Poland against German soccer.

91:00 So much for "It's just not their day," which is what Balboa just announced: Germany scores! Super-sub Odonkor sends it in for Neuville, who slides and pokes it past Boruc.

90:00 Holy Claudia Schiffer!! Germany hits the crossbar twice, one right after the other! Klose, then Ballack. Amazing sequence. But Poland clears it away.

88:00 We are staring the dreaded nil-nil draw in the face here. That's close to a loss for Poland. But it has been a good game, especially the second half. Borowski just misses from distance for Germany.

87:00 Boruc is making everyone forget about Jerzy Dudek. Neuville offside.

84:00 "Polish women are the hottest women in Europe," says Lalas. "Except for the Italians. And the Spanish. And the Portugese girl from 'Love Actually.'"

80:00 Fantastic weaving run into the box by Lahm, he shoots ... Great save by Boruc! Moments later he does it again, stoning Neuville from eight yards.

78:00 Let's review: Poland has never beaten Germany. Germany has not lost in this stadium in 13 straight games. The top two Polish-born players play for Germany. And now Poland is down to ten men. Good times.

76:00 Red card!! Sobolewski is shown a second yellow—he's gone. Our Man at the Valley: "Good call!" Lalas: "B.S. Homerism!" There you have it.

74:00 Dave O"Brien: "Hard to tell who's louder, the German fans or the Polish fans. What do you think?" I don't know, Dave. This is a little off the path, but how much do you think I can bench press?

70:00 Didnt Poland get crushed by Ecuador? asks Lalas. Poland looking solid. Germany takes off Podolski and adds Oliver Neuville. Lalas predicts a counterattack goal for Poland.

68:00 Another fine play by Odonkor: Excellent cross cleared out by a sliding Poland defender. Jelen taken down going the other way, by Odonkor. Yellow card for the sub.

66:00 Germany substitute Odonkor shows his speed, rounding his defender at the baseline and drawing a corner. Which....comes to nothing. Again.

64:00 Ballack takes a knock. Free kick Germany from 40 yards...headed out! Klose pings the rebound—great save from Boruc!

62:00 Klose and Baszczynski square off after challenging for a 50-50 ball. Then Klose makes nice. Bet Klose can't spell Baszczynski. After typing that twice, he will be known as 'B' from here on out.

60:00 Not much rhythm to the game. Tense atmosphere, but the passes in the final third are lacking.

54:00 Der Kaiser looks like he's choking on a brat, says Marc Schwartzteiger.

51:00 Little technical difficulty. Germany corner lands in the box! Poland clears. Schneider plays it right back in...Klose misses! Our Man at the Valley: "That was Klose! Thanks, I'll be here all the week."

Second half kickoff: Did we mention that both of Germany's strikers were born in Poland? If not, our bad. They were. That's gonna add to the sting of a Poland loss if that's what happens.

Halftime: Germany starting to percolate. We're getting the "Jose +10" commercial. Best part: when the little kid tells Defoe to get in goal. "Hey, Defoe—In goal" And he tosses him the gloves.

46:00 Great dummy by Schweinsteiger frees Lahm on the left wing! He crosses for Podolski...Podolski misses!

46:00 Lalas: Is Ballack even playing. The German captain has donned his invisibility cloak for this one.

44:00 Lalas: There's the Lehmann we know and love—as the big guy spills a corner kick. Luckily for him no Poland striker gets on the end of it.

41:00 Podolski holds the ball well in the box, then lays it off to the Climber of Pigs, who shoots high. Our Man at the Valley has props for Marcelo Balboa: "He's doing well. He's stepped up his game over the last two telecasts."

40:00 Lalas just served up some brats here in the Penthouse lounge. This in no way indicates where our sympathies lie.

39:00 Another free kick denied by a solid Poland backline.

36:00 Quick turn and shot by Podolski. Boruc saves. Frings is out with "a problem with his nose", according to Dave O"brien. Have we heard enough about how bad Dave O'Brien is? No? Okay: Dave O'Brien is to soccer broadcasting what Sammy Hagar was to Van Halen. Scratch that: Dave O'Brien is to soccer broadcasting what Gary Cherone was to Van Halen.

34:00 Nasty challenge from Smolarek on Freidrich. That's gonna leave a mark.

33:00 Yet another German corner, from Schweinsteiger, goes for naught.

31:00 Germany wastes a corner kick. Their set pieces have been lacking tonight.

30:00 Yellow card for Sobolewski gives Germany a free kick in their favorite spot: 35 yards from goal on the wing. Pig-Climber swings it in...Boruc claims it.

28:00 Jelen drives from the left side, shoots a bouncer that Lehmann handles easily. Are you Jelen? (Sorry. That was Lalas.)

26:00 Free kick deflects off a German defender's back, cleared away.

25:00 Poland is hanging tough here. They won two consecutive corners a minute ago, and now they've drawn Frings into a foul at a dangerous spot.

23:00 Lalas wants to know where you get a haircut like Schweintsteiger's. Our Man at the Valley clarifies defintion of Schweinsteiger's name: 'person who climbs on pigs'. Why did they need a phrase for that?

21:00 Great ball into the box by Lahm! Klose on the end of it—just misses tucking in inside the far post! Lalas: Poland might want to mark the leading scorer on Germany's team.

19:00 Nervous moment for German backline as a free kick bounces around the area, finally cleared.

17:00 Friedrich shuts down a Polish attack on the right. Our Man at the Valley asks, Why does O'Brien insist on reading graphics to us? Does he think we're illiterate?

15:00 Poland free kick on the right side of the box: Swung in and blocked short by Lahm.

14:00 Lalas points out that no German team has ever won the World CUp without a mullet in its ranks.

9:00 Klose shoots from the left side, at the six. Nice save by Boruc. Not to be confused with Borat of Kazakhstan.

8:00 Shot of Klinsmann on the bench. Was it us, or did anyone else think he was a little TOO happy after Germany's goals against Costa Rica? It wasn't like they were playing Brazil or anything.

6:00 Schweinsteiger has a shot from distance blocked. According to a German friend of mine, "Schweinsteiger" , loosely translated, means "pig f*****".

We're off!

That oughta fire up the lads.

Coach Janas told Reuters yesterday, "One day we have to win against the Germans. I hope very much that it will be tomorrow."

Poland has never beaten Germany. Period. In the 85 years they've been playing each other.

Ballack is back for the Germans. Poland is bumming about this development. It gets worse:

Kickoff:

So here we go: It's Germany v Poland from Dortmund. Brats versus Kielbasa.

Joining us today in the cubicle—er, I mean shag-carpeted, gold-fixtured swinger's lounge—is Greg Lalas, site director of goal.com. Our Man at the Valley will also be chiming in from an undisclosed, remote location.

Good afternoon, folks. We are coming to you live from Penthouse World Headquarters in the heart of New York City.

The first game, of course, is between host Germany and Costa Rica. The Esteban Germans are favored, though we can pretty much guarantee we'll have fun rooting for Costa Rica.

Remember: We're about 20 years behind on our soccer, so please don't make too much fun of us when/if we get something wrong. We have never been to either one of these countries; they're in Africa, right?

Match is about to begin, so after the jump, join us for all the live-blogging you could possibly handle. Please feel free to leave your own comments or email us with your thoughts as well. Enjoy, or at least try to.

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1:50: And that will wrap it up. No World Cup host has ever lost an opening game, and it remains so today: Germany 4, Costa Rica 2. Six goals, some yellow cards and a rollicking crowd. Hard to argue with that as a starter. Enjoy Mr. Cardillo's Ecuador-Poland rundown in about an hour. Thanks for dropping by.

1:46: So much for the keepaway: Germany blasts in a "40-yard rocket," and this will officially do it. The guy who hit it — whose name, once again, we can't spell — looks like a tennis player from the '70s. In the 87th minute, it's Germany 4, Costa Rica 2.

1:43: About 10 minutes left. Keepaway continues.

1:42: From a reader: "Dave O'Brien has driven me to Univision. No "you can't teach speed" comments, about the same camera angles and NO tape delay."

1:38: Germany still trying to play keep-away — is that how you spell "keep-away?" — and they're bringing in the equivalent of a run-out-the-clock team. Out comes Klose, who scored the two goals, and it comes a faster ballhandler. We guess.

1:32: And here comes Costa Rica again! They must have two shots right now, and they're both goals. Seventeen minutes left, and it's Germany 3, Costa Rica 2. And we've got a stretcher out here for a hurt player, but he walks it off. In solidarity, the paramedic flops. (We kid!)

1:30: Germany is now officially playing keep-away.

1:29: O'Brien unleashes a groaner; "Whoever says you can't use your hands in soccer, that's a total misnomer."

1:27 Corner kicks are always fun. Not as much fun as when someone tries to head the ball and misses, though.

1:23: Damned database! Went so slow that we're a couple minutes late on Miroslav Klose's second goal, a fun head-to-goalie-to-foot combination. Always fun. Sums up our prom. Germany 3, Costa Rica 1. Costa Rica is making some substitutions.

1:18: The general consensus is that broadcaster Dave O'Brien is talking WAYYY too much. It's as if he has to show off that he knows who the player with the ball is by announcing it every time someone touches the ball. We feel we should cut him some slack; this is hardly his beat.

1:12: This is when the game starts to slow down a bit; Germany's job right now is just to poke around for a while until something frees up. If nothing frees up, the poking is fine. Sixty-three percent possession for Germany so far, which, when you add that to be 9/10ths of the law ... well, we were told there would be no math.

1:06: We're back. A correction from before: Costa Rica has scored a goal before in the World Cup, so we either heard wrong, or the announcers are full of it. Probably both.

HALFTIME: GERMANY 2, COSTA RICA 1

12:46: We're into stoppage time ... and now we're at halftime. Germany 2, Costa Rica 1. Who says they don't score in soccer? We'lll be back after we listen to the siren song of Julie Foudy at halftime.

12:44: Germany now has 11 shots on goal to Costa Rica's 1, and they're completely in control. Still just 2-1, though.

12:42: Aw, some dude just got popped in the face with the ball. Sorry. That's always funny. We're nearing halftime.

12:40: A friend of ours was telling us how his father consistently gets the name of our parent company wrong, called it "Gonker." We think half the Germany team might be named "Gonker."

12:38: Germany has obviously dominated this game, yet they're still only up by one goal. We know that's like being up 10 points in football, or four runs in baseball, but it still feels close.

12:36: Something we're learning, right now: It's much more difficult to live blog a game when there are no commercial breaks. We probably should have thought about that.

12:33: By the way, our first yellow card. Our broadcasters helpfully explain what a yellow card is, and to their credit, they do a good job of not being too condescending, the way our dad is when he tries to explain the infield fly rule to our mom.

12:31: Costa Rica's goaltender looks like the pretentious art teacher on "Six Feet Under." But man, did we just sound lame typing that.

12:29: We know hitting the ball with your chest is a key part of soccer, but we really don't see any reason for "chesting" to every be used as a verb.

12:25: We'd like to point out that they're serving Budweiser at the World Cup this year. We love a good Bud, but we can understand how that might make some cantankerous.

12:22: Germany leads in shots 7-1, but is only up 2-1. One of the Costa Rican players just missed a breakway, and Announcer Dave said, "he just almost had a magical moment there." Is that possible? Can you almost have a magical moment?

12:20: Miroslav Klose scored the goal; he had a hat trick against Saudi Arabia in the last World Cup. But hey: Who HASN'T scored a hat trick against Saudi Arabia. (Don't answer that.)

12:17: The announcers just said, "This crowd has gotten awfully quiet." We're sorry, but there's no way a Woirld Cup crowd ever gets quiet. For a moment, the paused from screaming to "gasp." And now they're screaming again. We're 17 minutes in, and two goals ... and then ANOTHER Germany goal! It's like a pinball machine! These teams are coached by Paul Westhead! The guy who scored the goal — and we're not going to be able to spell his name — is apparently celebrating his birthday today. We never imagined them celebrating birthdays in Germany. Germany 2, Costa Rica 1.

12:14: Hell, this game isn't even a pitcher's duel anymore; Costa Rica scores on a play that was this close to being offsides. That's the first goal in Costa Rica World Cup history, we're told. It was fun to look in one corner of the Munich stadium and see a bunch of Costa Rican fans just going NUTS. We're already excited. Germany 1, Costa Rica 1.

12:11: Lahm scored the goal. He's a defender. Here is his German Wikipedia page. This looks like every guy who caused us not to get a girl in high school.

12:09: GOALLLL!!!! Germany scores, and the crowd goes crazy, saying whatever things they say in Germany to express joy. It sounded like a big collective grunt. Germany 1, Costa Rica 0.

12:07: There was a shot on goal by Germany, but it went high. Marcelo just said, "It's gonna take some time to get some rhythm into this game, which is good, because it has none so far.

12:03: One of the things we find strange about soccer? The refs are kind of like celebrities. The guy doing today's game has a headset and ripped arms that make him look like a Madonna dancer.

12:01: The much-maligned broadcaster Dave O'Brien — whose familiarity with soccer rivals ours — is doing the game today, and we still aren't quite sure he's not using a green. He's with a guy named Marcelo, and you know what that means: He's got a mullet!

11:59: With all the talk of steroids and HGH and greenies in baseball, it's refreshing to get back to something that represents heartland American values: Soccer! Let's do it!

• 1. Achtung!. OK, first of all, the Germans would like you to know that they are very sensitive about their history. A warning to fans, especially of the English persuasion: do not taunt Germany with your goose-stepping antics. Any goose-stepping will result in jail time. (A rule that could have been put to better use in '41, but better late than never we suppose). Also, no fake German helmets, or jokes that feature Goebbels. Anyone beginning a limerick with the line "There once was a dictator named Adolf," will be fined. Anyone seen mocking a Volkswagon is subject to arrest. Well, we don't see anything that could possibly go wrong.

• 2. They're Lovely In Goal. There may not be an uglier, more detestable player in International Football currently that No. 2 keeper Oliver Kahn. Unless it's No. 1 Jens Lehman. (Nice way to get sent off in the Champions League Final). — (thanks to Mike Cardillo).

• 3. Welcome To Sprockets. I Am Your Host, Corney. Third division club FC St. Pauli is currently owned by an openly gay, cross dressing theater owner, Corney Littmann (ranked No. 2 on FourFourTwo magazine's biggest 'Nutters' list). The club wears brown uniforms, attracts punks and greens and American Corey Gibbs once played for it. — (thanks to Mike Cardillo).

• 4. Mercenaries R Us. Of Germany's main striker options, none were born inside the countrie's borders; Gerald Asamoah (Ghana), Miroslav Klose (Poland) and Lucas Poldoski (Poland). Also, coach Jürgen Klinsman actually resides in Los Angeles and is under heavy fire for that, as well as adopting American training methods. By the way, current It-boy Bastian Schweinsteiger's last name, literally translates to, "Pig Climber." — (thanks to Mike Cardillo).

(Tomorrow: The United States.)