Reports: Justice Department Brings The Goddamn Hammer Down On FIFA

According to reports in both the Wall Street Journal ($) and New York Times, a number of FIFA officials were just arrested in Zurich, Switzerland, and according to the Times are expected to be extradited to the United States where they will face charges of “wire fraud, racketeering and money laundering.” The Times » 5/27/15 12:50am Today 12:50am

Carlo Ancelotti Is Real Madrid's Newest Scapegoat

It’s maybe a little disconcerting that Real Madrid—a players’ club if there ever was one; one where the 8th-biggest name on the team sheet likely holds more sway in the future direction of the club than any of the ever-changing coaches thrown aboard then unceremoniously shoved off the managerial merry-go-round after… » 5/26/15 5:40pm Yesterday 5:40pm

The Phillies' GM Is Sick Of All These Fans Who Just "Bitch And Complain"

Phillies GM Ruben Amaro has constructed a team that has put together back-to-back 73-win seasons, and with the club’s current record sitting at 19-28, it doesn’t look like things are going to get better this year. And yet, Amaro would really like for all those disillusioned Phillies fans out there to just shut the… » 5/26/15 3:26pm Yesterday 3:26pm

Jets Look At QB Depth Chart, Sigh Deeply, Name Geno Smith Starter

The Jets have made a lot of impressive decisions this offseason, and that’s not the setup for a joke. Darrelle Revis came back, the already-fearsome defensive line improved with draft pick Leonard Williams, and they snagged Brandon Marshall for a fifth-round pick. There’s a lot of talent everywhere—except at the… » 5/20/15 5:39pm 5/20/15 5:39pm

Report: Marketing Firm Owns Rights To Select Brazil National Team Squad

It probably doesn’t surprise anyone to know that Brazil’s corrupt soccer federation engaged in corrupt behavior, but these newly released documents are pretty alarming. According to Brazilian paper Estadão, the federation sold all sorts of the Seleção’s economic rights to a marketing firm, including final say on who… » 5/19/15 3:00pm 5/19/15 3:00pm

Kevin Garnett Once Headbutted A Wall While Watching Making The Band

Kevin Garnett will probably go down as the most charming crazy person in the history of the NBA, and there are plenty of moments in Howard Beck’s massive new oral history on Garnett to support that thesis. Perhaps no Garnett-related anecdote has captured the man’s essence as perfectly as this one, from longtime friend… » 5/19/15 12:18pm 5/19/15 12:18pm

The Dispute Between Robert Kraft And Roger Goodell Just Got Sexy

As the Patriots and NFL clandestinely negotiate a mutual agreement to avoid legal war, Adam Schefter hints that owner Robert Kraft and commissioner Roger Goodell are now back on good terms. Schefter comes to this conclusion because a source told him that Kraft and Goodell hung out on a couch and hugged Saturday night. » 5/19/15 11:07am 5/19/15 11:07am

Check Out The Cool Things Qatar's Slaves Will Build For The World Cup!

We could rightly be accused of focusing almost exclusively on the negatives coming from the corrupt, morally-deplorable, slavery-fueled, death-riddled, yet inevitable 2022 World Cup set to be hosted in Qatar, so let’s take a change of tack today. Instead of worrying about that nasty business, let’s appreciate the… » 5/14/15 12:56pm 5/14/15 12:56pm

Pats' Ballghazi Defense: "The Deflator" Was Just Trying To Lose Weight

The New England Patriots have officially fired back at Ted Wells’s Ballghazi report, in the form of an impenetrable Wordpress page that might as well be titled Loose Balls: The Truth About PSI. The site contains an attempt by one of the Patriots’ lawyers to fisk Wells’s report, and although it’s an exhausting read,… » 5/14/15 12:14pm 5/14/15 12:14pm

Cristiano Ronaldo And His Teammates Were Really, Really Sad About Losing

We all know how great Cristiano Ronaldo and his Real Madrid teammates are. But acknowledging that doesn’t preclude us from cackling maniacally when they lose, and especially at the distraught looks on their faces when it happens, like today against Juventus. So here are a bunch of pictures of just that! » 5/13/15 6:41pm 5/13/15 6:41pm

ESPN Grills Gronk About Patriots' Balls

Cheerful ogre Rob Gronkowski and Giants receiver Odell Beckham Jr. swung by ESPN this morning to plug some stuff about the Madden cover, but Jay Crawford and Chris McKendry (rightfully) took the opportunity to lob Ballghazi-related questions at Gronk, who answered them by talking about how he likes lifting weights and… » 5/13/15 3:05pm 5/13/15 3:05pm

Report: D.C. Mayor Is Saying "Redskins" Again In Attempt To Woo The Team

Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser has been on record stating that she believes the Washington Redskins should change their name. Lately, however, she’s gone back to saying “Redskins” while talking about the team in public, and it might be because she’s trying to curry favor with team owner Dan Snyder. » 5/12/15 4:54pm 5/12/15 4:54pm

Abby Wambach: FIFA Refused Cost-Free Offers To Replace Turf Fields

Odious moron Sepp Blatter has described himself as “a godfather of the organization of women’s football in FIFA.” Apparently, he didn’t consider an offer to quell the controversy about artificial fields at this summer’s Women’s World Cup by replacing the turf with grass—free of charge, mind you—an offer he couldn’t… » 5/07/15 5:32pm 5/07/15 5:32pm

Barcelona Are Europe's Best Team; Now They Just Have To Make It Official

If the European Cup is worth its weight in silver and prestige, Barcelona should win it this year. That is to say, if the major competitions in this sport are designed to throw the best clubs in Europe into the most demanding possible gauntlet and, in the end, reward the one that’s proved its superiority, then a year… » 5/07/15 4:11pm 5/07/15 4:11pm

Cardale Jones Says He'll Put The Hands On Joakim Noah

During a break in last night’s playoff game between the Cavs and Bulls, Ohio State quarterback Cardale Jones and other players from the national champion Buckeyes were introduced and cheered on the court. Of course, this harmless event led to Jones getting into a beef with Bulls center Joakim Noah, because if there’s… » 5/07/15 11:56am 5/07/15 11:56am

Gronk: "There's Only One Thing You Can Deflate: Deez Nuts!" 

When asked about his thoughts on Ballghazi earlier today, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, a bottle of Muscle Milk come to life, had no comment except to flex his muscles. Given a few more hours to compose his thoughts, Gronk released a video chastising the media for focusing on Deflategate instead of ever asking… » 5/06/15 9:25pm 5/06/15 9:25pm