In the later game, the Jazz try to seriously make Tracy McGrady cry by taking a 2-0 lead on the road in Houston. (Those Mormons sure do get feisty!)

But like most of you, we're still hoping for an epic Arenas-LeBron battle in the Cleveland-Washington series. Gilbert looks healthy enough to make this fun. Tonight, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

(Winner of Game 2 brings the juice boxes.)

Twenty of James' 32 points were in the latter 24 minutes, while Arenas — who didn't start — finished with 24 points and missed two shots late in the fourth quarter to try and pull back even with Cleveland. Some might question the tactic of shunning James through the media before the game, but perhaps they didn't insult him enough. What of his body odor? His ability at Scrabble? His naivete when it comes to clicking on random Internet links? Don't relent, Washington. This series is still within your grips.

Phoenix-San Antonio rages onward as today's final post comes to a close, but the playoffs for today are but half over. You're free to get your Dallas-New Orleans series "onward," as the kids like to say at ice cream socials these days. And the rematch between the Jazz Hands and the Rocket Men will commence a little past your bedtime, mister, but you've been good, so feel free to stay up late for it.

And yes, you can have some of that sandwich. There's enough for everyone. Damon Jones didn't finish his.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

For 2007, the sham police were out in full force. Arenas went down with a knee injury toward season's end; to add insult to injury, Caron Butler came up lame, too. The once-proud Wizards became the team everyone wanted in round one, and Cleveland got them. The sweep came easy, and James's play was strong, if somewhat perfunctory. Gil tried in vain to spice things up by chirping loud from the bench, but Biz LeBron was in no mood. Last year had come down to playground tactics, with James whispering in Gil's ear right before he clanked out the game-winning free throws in OT. This time, it was beneath him to trifle.

So now, we head into another installment of the most disjointed, unmentionable rivalry in all of pro sports. Gil missed the entire season with that same bum knee, but now may or may not be ready to step up and star again. No one, not even, Arenas himself, seems certain of his condition. Is he available in spurts? Poised to take up the Barbosa-like mantle of zany instant offense? Or, heaven forbid, will he take his rightful place in the starting lineup by the second game? He's announced his plans to be more of a distributor, but in his few games back it's his scoring that's truly dazzled.

Why all the recap? Because these two teams are perfectly situated to fight each other for years. James and Arenas are two of the most natural-born rivals in the entire league: One entitled, god-like, and barely human, the other a first-class underdog determined to keep himself always fighting the odds. And against James, he — or anyone — will always come up imperfect and strange. But somehow, this feels like a strange coincidence, like seeing two people in one day who bought the same glasses as you. The NBA deserves better than this and indeed, all players involved deserve more.

We routinely say that THIS IS A LEAGUE OF STARS. You can keep your Zydrunas/Haywood matchup, your "worst game coach showdown," and even DeShawn Stevenson's endless rants and raves. I know LeBron thinks it's about him to respond too much, and Gil is mostly focused on working his way back home, but come on. One of you will win this series, but that's not all that's at stake. Look a little deeper, and Brand James took a hit last year — there was that one incandescent game about Detroit, but aside from that he was either rote or unseen. And that Finals debacle has been erased from our collective memory in the sole interest of preserving the world economy, which relies so heavily on LeBron's future worth.

And Gil, my man, this is your moment. Push Stevenson over to the side; his yapping is unsubtle and artless. Last year, you had no problem talking shit while laid up in a suit. You want a challenge? You want to show that you belong up there with LeBron, Wade or Kobe? After 2006, you were getting there; through no fault of your own, that path was lost. But what could be more classically Arenas-ian than taking this series on your back from the get-go? Let Caron and Antawn get theirs; honor what the team has accomplished without you. But for reals, this feels like it was scripted for you to thrive.

In spirit of 2006, from the ashes of 2007, across a landscape of resignation and incidental associations, it's time that LeBron and Arenas recognize that this isn't some fluke. They are both at defining moments in their careers, and like it or not, they need each other. By revisiting the past, they can renew themselves for the future. Let's recapture that LeBron we didn't take for granted. That Arenas whose insanity was matched only by his will. Without this, yeah, it's two Eastern teams, one of which features LeBron. But if we embrace the past here, instead of dismissing it as muddle, this series has the potential to revitalize two of the NBA's most charismatic figures.

Let the West, or the Celtics, worry about the L.O.B. The playoffs are about that, but it's also where reputations come into being. This is two guys returning to their roots, whether they realize it or not. Here's hoping they deliver unto us a real clash of civilizations.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away: Not only did the Wiz drop the game, DeShawn Stevenson rolled his ankle and Antawn Jamison hurt his shoulder diving into the crowd trying to save a loose ball. Ouch. Also, the Bucks may have won the game, but Atlanta's win over Toronto mathematically eliminated them from the playoffs. But good effort, guys.

LeBron fouls out, Cavs still win. Who'd a thunk it? I don't know what's more surprising: That Wally Szczerbiak, Devin Brown and Zydrunas Ilgauskas went all clutchtastic after LeBron fouled out, or the fact that NBA officials are still calling fouls on LeBron. All I can say is somebody's getting a talking to from David Stern tomorrow morning. King James compiled 29 points, 4 rebounds and 5 assists before getting the boot, then watched from the bench as his teammates bailed him out for a change. Wally World hit a jump shot, Brown drained a couple 'throws, and the Z-Man dropped in two buckets to give Cleveland a 113-106 lead. Jason Richardson (31 points, 6 rebounds, 7 assists) drilled a couple threes to pull the Bobcats to within two, but Brown sealed the 118-114 victory with another pair from the line.

After the game, Bron Bron was still fuming about the foul out. "There were a couple questionable [calls]. I know how to keep myself out of foul trouble for the most part. In my career I've done a great job of that." (Note: Telling the refs "I'm LeBron James, bitches!" doesn't count as "knowing how to stay out of foul trouble." I'm just sayin'.)

Holy home cooking, Batman! Science hasn't cured cancer or even explained why we yawn, but it has proven that last night's game between Toronto and Atlanta should have ended on T.J. Ford's buzzer-beating floater at the end of regulation. However, cunning Phillips Arena officials started the clock early with 0.5 seconds remaining so the bucket didn't count. And it was on to overtime, where the homecourt Hawks prevailed over the roadscrewed Raptors 127-120. The only thing missing was the Atlanta mascot hitting Chris Bosh from behind with a steel chair. Mike Bibby (26 points, 12 assists) hit a three-pointer at what turned out to be the end of the fourth to force the overtime session.

Conan would be so proud. (If, you know, he was a real person.) The Boston Celtics continue to crush their enemies, then drive them forward to the lamentations of the women. Last night's crushees were the Indiana Pacers, who gave it their all in a 92-77 loss. (Yes, that really was their all.) Kevin Garnett put on his MVP pants, scoring 20 points to go along with 12 rebounds and 4 assists. KG also patrolled the paint like a crouching tiger (or was that a hidden dragon?), forcing the Pacers to bomb away from the outside...which didn't work out so well for them (35 percent from the field and 6-for-29 from beyond the arc).

Sweet, sweet history: Boston not only reached the 60-win plateau for the first time since 1985-86, they also matched the record for the best single-season turnaround in NBA history. (FYI: The record is 36 games, originally set by the Spurs in 1996-97, which just so happened to be Tim Duncan's first year in the league.)

The NBA really needs to institute a slaughter rule. Would you just stand by and watch while some poor dude was getting the holy crap beaten out of him? I mean other than when you're watching the Ultimate Fighting Championships. Of course you wouldn't. So why is David Stern forcing the Heat to finish out their horrific season? This team can only take so many 30-point beatings before Chris Quinn tries to kill himself. And since Quinn attended college at Notre Dame, I'm guessing he's Catholic, which means suicide is a mortal sin and he'll never get into heaven. Do you really want that on your conscience, David Stern? Put an end to this madness.

Postscript: Tyson Chandler scored 20 points on perfect 10-for-10 shooting to lead the Hornets to comfy-cozy 106-77 victory. The win allowed New Orleans to hold onto the number one seed in the West. Not bad, huh?

NBA Action is so freakin' FAN-tastic! Knicks versus Grizzlies! Yeah baby...yeah! See, this is part of what's so cool about the end of the NBA regular season: There are games you can just totally ignore the hell out of. (Memphis won 130-114, by the way.)

Revenge game! Hey, Minnesota. Remember that homecourt win you had over Utah a few days ago? Well, the Jazz did too. And they weren't happy about it. But don't feel bad. The 117-100 setback was hardly your worst loss of the season. Utah shot 60 percent from the field and had seven players in double figures, with Deron Williams (19 points, 14 assists, 3 steals) leading the way. Despite the one-sided loss, Marko Jaric had himself a game with 18 points, 5 rebounds, and 8 assists. And damn, man, have you seen his girlfriend? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to become a Yugoslavian beefcake. Hmm, maybe I'll go roll around in toxic waste. That should do it.

Memo to Don Nelson: Your team is so screwed. Dirk Nowitzki made a surprise return and the Dallas Mavericks went off on the Golden State Warriors en route to a 111-86 rout. Josh Howard scored 28, Herr Dirk added 18, and Jason Kidd had one of "those games" (5 points, 11 rebounds, 17 assists, 4 steals). Hey, maybe the Mavs will reach the postseason after all! Thank goodness. It just wouldn't feel like the NBA playoffs without Dallas suffering their inevitable crushing defeat.

What the hell are you doing, dude?! Elton Brand inexplicably returned to action after missing the first 74 games of the regular season to score 13 fourth-quarter points and lead the Los Angeles Clippers to a 102-84 win over the Seattle To Be Named Laters. Nobody really knows why Brand would screw up his team's grand tanking plans this way, but I'm sure it's completely unrelated to the fact that he can opt out of his contract and become an unrestricted free agent this summer. I can't believe you'd even suggest such a thing! The Sonics have now dropped 19 of their last 21 games and would have to win their last seven games - against Houston (twice), Denver, Dallas (twice), San Antonio, and Golden State - to avoid having the worst season in franchise history. But on the bright side, Kevin Durant scored 30. R-O-Y! R-O-Y! R-O...aw, forget it.

No surprises here. I really didn't think the Trail Blazers could put up much of a fight against the Lakers without Brandon Roy, but they did. And lost anyway. L.A. 104, Portland 91. Kobe had 36 points, 13 rebounds, 7 assists, and that goddamn arrogant smile I hate so much. Oh, and Pau Gasol was back with 10 points and 6 boards. Yay.

Yes, we were quite stunned to arrive in Phoenix and learn that Gilbert was encouraging his fans to buy our book.

Have you seen the new book that came out, God Save the Fan? Will Leitch came out with the book. Thank you Will Leitch! Got to give a shout out to Will Leitch and Deadspin for coming out with the book God Save the Fan. I'm just going to tell you guys to go get the book, because I'm in Chapter 2. I mean, the title might be a little hard for some of you to read, especially since me and LeBron James are best friends. It's about me and LeBron and it's somewhere along the lines of "Why Gilbert is Better for the Game than LeBron" ... it's somewhere along those lines. I don't want Cleveland fans to get mad at me, I didn't write the book, I just read it. It's kind of funny because me and him have been best friends over the five years since he's been in this league. I was just grateful being mentioned with him. When I'm done playing and after all is said and done and he's compared in Jordan likeness, I'm going to show my kids the book and be like, "Look at this here. Y'all see this, kids? Told you I was somebody. Y'all thought I was playing." LeBron and I are really friends though, the whole free throw thing in the playoffs was just trash talking.

We're not sure if Gilbert Arenas has a "Gilbert Bump" when it comes to booksales, but even if he's not the Sports Oprah, we are flattered and honored; we didn't even send him a free book. Shame he can't play right now; we could have tried to get him to sign one at courtside. Sure would be more valuable than our dumb signature.

Reading Assignment [Gilbert Arenas Blog]

• Now this is a thug. [The 700 Level]
• Marcus Pollard, he of stupid hair. [DC Sports Bog]
• Kentucky fans might riot soon. [35 Seconds]
• I like where Jamie's head is at. [Mister Irrelevant]
• Packer fans, still crazy in all the right ways. [SportsByBrooks]
• Upsets in the FA Cup [FanHouse]

All seeds held in the first round, which just proves the seeding committee did a good job. (Note: This does not actually prove this.) So the big dawgs are all set for the second round ... and we've got a tough one right off the bat.

No. 4 Seed: Elijah Dukes

Explored the possibilities lent to us by cellular technology.
Impregnated a foster child.
Became a sports radio star.
You divorced, dawg.

No. 5 Seed Gilbert Arenas
Dunked off a trampoline.
Stole a joke.
Helped you with your love life.
Talked to us.

So, who makes the Final Four? Vote, vote like the wind.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

We haven't had any close races in the SHOTY yet. We'll see how this one goes.

No. 5 Seed Gilbert Arenas
Dunked off a trampoline.
Stole a joke.
Helped you with your love life.
Talked to us.

No. 12 Seed Steely McBeam

Introduced as FABULOUS.
Impersonated a Village Person.

So, who wins?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

"If you have a player who plays dead for five years of his contract, and then he has a blow-up year, that's called false advertisement. I don't think you should pay him. Because you pay him, what do you think he's going to do? He's going to go back into hibernation.''

I asked if he was talking about the Clippers' Tim Thomas, for example.

"Yeah,'' he said. "Thank you.''

Now, it's tough to gauge as to whether or not Arenas was actually thinking of Tim Thomas or he was just happy to have somebody complete his sentences. It's quite possible that Thomsen could've just as easily said a few other players and had the same result. Or just lobbed any name out there. You mean, Pol Pot? You mean, Langston Hughes? You mean, Vic Damone?

"Yes," he said, "Thank you."

Agent Zero Hour [SI]

Hi, I'm Will. I run Deadspin. A lot of our readers are fans of you.

The blog guy, hey. You're the No. 1 blogger, yeah.

I wouldn't say that. I think that's Wilbon. [laughs uncomfortably, alone] That guy you were talking to before me, that's the guy who does your blog, right?

Yeah, that's Dave [McMenamin]. He's the guy behind the guy.

How long are the interviews, usually? He just calls you up and asks you questions and writes it up?

Usually about 15-20 minutes, depending on how I'm feeling and the topic. During the season, it's once a week, but he's going to Europe next week with Boston, so that hampers it a bit.

How much time do you spend on the Web, personally?

Not as much as you'd think. I check out my MySpace. I'll go on sites to see what's funny on YouTube.

Do you have any regular sites you check out, sports sites, whatever?

No. Well, yeah, but I can't tell you, I can't put those out there.

So you're saying only porn?

Yes. [smiles]

Excellent. I think one of the reasons you've become popular in a different way than some other athletes have is because of your blog. Do you get a lot of reaction from the site from players or people in the stands? Do you hear a lot about it?

When I do the blog, I have things in my mind that people catch on to. For a while, it was the Hibachi thing that got big. The 10 dollar thing, the making bets with the fans thing, and me getting in trouble for it, people like to yell that out at me too. That was funny, because they're actually paying attention.

I think you appeal to a certain type of smarter fan, like the Wizznutzz crew, who aren't necessarily the Paint Your Face And Scream Obscenities. (Ed. Note: Nope. They just dress up like Wizards.) I think the blog is a large part of that.

Well, some people would rather not go to arenas, they'd rather just sit at home and watch the game at home, or play on the computer. There's a lot of people like that. You've got your video gamers, who just sit at home and play video games all day. So by blogging, and playing video games, I'm actually getting to them.

Have you been to Wizznutzz?

My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.

Do you at least go to ESPN? Do you have an email account?

I don't, no. If someone tells me someone wrote something about me, I'll go check it out, and I'll "log in." [makes actual air quotes]

Do other players come to you and tell you they want to set up a blog, or talk to you about it?

I don't think they know how big it is. There were three other players who blogged, but it didn't really catch on. The business people know about it, but I don't think the players do.

So if you — or, well, Dave, anyway — called out somebody on the site, they wouldn't know about it?

Unless someone in PR told them or something. I talked about Penny, and he came to me and said, "My PR guy told me you mentioned me in your blog. Thanks!"

Has there ever been anything in the blog that Dave's put in that you've asked him to take out?

It's usually the other way around. There's some stuff I wanted in there that they wouldn't let me put in. [points to Dave] Hey, Dave, we gotta give a shoutout to Wizznutzz.

Was the idea to do the site yours?

They actually came to me about it. At first I didn't think I had the time for it, but I thought if Chris Paul has the time to do it, I can.

And nobody reads Chris Paul's site.

That's what I'm gonna outsell him in video games this year. Nobody reads his site.

Do you guys ever scramble to come up with stuff for the site?

That's what it's surviving: I have an entertaining life. I thought I was boring. When I went through my life, I was like, "I sit around and play video games all day. Nobody wants to hear about this." But once I started doing the site, I was like, "Yeah, I do have an interesting life!"

Well, Dave makes it look interesting, anyway.

Totally. I always have something going on.

Because Gilbert knows how how you settle relationship disagreements with your lady.

So we was on 16th and Constitution and she kicked me out of the car and I had to walk all the way to the gym. It was probably a mile, but I had on smaller shoes. You know, I wear 13s, but I had on 12s because they matched the outfit I was wearing so my feet were hurting and I didn't have any cab money to take a cab and that all played a part.

So I went on a strike.

I think all men should do this when they have a disagreement. This is Relationship 101. When you have a fight with "the other," don't answer their calls and don't answer their pages. That usually gets the point across that you're not talking to them. So, I held out for seven days. I went on strike for seven days and stayed at the gym for seven days. I slept in the gym. They got nice couches in there and it just kept me in the gym working on my knee and stuff.

Arenas then explains how that's why he missed an EA Sports promotional event in Toronto; his passport was at home, and because he was "on strike," he couldn't go home and get it. We full expect Gilbert to have his own syndicated advice talk show at some point. We'd surely watch it more than that HBO crap.

Relationships 101 [Gilbert Arenas' Blog]

Yeah, you've all been talking about it. I used someone else's joke. What's the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed.

Mission accomplished.

Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He's no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.

The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I've used it's probably worth a little bit more. I'll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.

Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other people's beats. This is America, the land of the reused.

Do you know those advertising posts that run on this page every Friday? Well as it turns out Will's been stealing all of those lines from movies. The horror

Gilbert Arenas: I Got Jokes
It's Never the Offseason In the Mind of Gilbert Arenas

I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.

I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We're humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack. Now, if you're chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it's like, "There have been 10 shark attacks," I'm like, "Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don't live underwater."

Seriously: We're not sure we're ever gonna like a professional athlete more than we like Gilbert Arenas.

(OK, Ankiel, But that's IT.)

There Are No Such Things As Shark Attacks [Gilbert Arenas' Blog]

(UPDATE: It does appear Gilbert swiped this from a comedian. That's not good, but we still just love the general thought process. But yeah: Don't steal, Gilbert.)

You just know he insisted on that, and that he practiced in a mirror for months to get it exactly right.

NBA Live 08 Commercials Featuring "The" Gilbert Arenas [The Angry T]

But would he actually leave? Gilbert is as popular in the DC area as Jamie Mottram, and almost as handsome. Is he seriously considering bolting, or is it just a contract ploy?

We knew only one man to ask: Our own unsilent majority, rock star at Kissing Suzy Kolber and intern for life at Wizznutzz. The guy is as big an expert in all matters Wizard as anyone we knew who doesn't dress up like a wizard for games. His thoughts about Gilbert's possible exit are after the jump.

As a long suffering fan of Les Boulez, I'd like to invite everyone to just relax. Bloggers and ESPN television personalities alike seem so eager to blow up the non-story of Gilbert Arenas' contract plans. Despite my admitted man-crush on the one called Zero, I refuse to cave in to the media's campaign of fear. His decision to opt out of his existing contract didn't come as a surprise to anyone in or around the organization, yet nobody (from the fans on up) have felt the need to panic because everybody saw it coming.

Ernie Grunfeld, the undisputed leader of the front office, let it be known that he's expected and planned for Gilbert's decision for quite some time. And how could he not? The Washington Post's Ivan Carter has been talking about the possibility for two months. Hell, Gilbert first started talking about opting out last year. Somehow people have gotten it in their heads that "opt out" is a secret way of saying "get me the fuck out of here," when, in reality, it means "it's time to get paid."

I've heard all sorts of reasons why he'd leave but none has been backed by logic. Say what you will about Gilbert's eccentricities, he's always been a logical person (the free agency coin flip was a joke). After three seasons under his contract with the Wizards, Gilbert has developed himself into a superstar both on and off the court. Taking advantage of the clause in his contract in order to secure a new max contract is just downright logical. Gilbert is looking for longterm security and a place where he can build a winner, two things the Wizards have been eager to provide for their young star.

When free agency rolls around 12 months from now, everybody with the means will be throwing max offers at him, but only the Wizards can guarantee him six years. All that's left is sorting out the perks, and Gilbert sure as hell doesn't need an agent to negotiate his yearly cake allotment from his beloved Grandpa Pollin (although obtaining the pit bull treadmills in the locker room could be a stretch, given recent circumstances in the world of sports).

Simply put, there's no reason for to go anywhere else. This is his home, it's where he's raising a family, it's where he's loved, and it's where he reigns supreme as The Black President (which makes him more powerful than Eleanor Holmes Norton) . And if does leave he knows that we'll find him. Remember, we're a bunch of crazy fuckers.

So please everyone, forget the doomsday theories because we've got enough shit to worry about. Just keep breathing, and don't hesitate to call if you forget your mantra.

For a closer look at the financial details, drink in the Kool Aid with Nate Jones over at Fanhouse; he knows what's up. Now I have to get back to the Mothering Hut before Darvin and Jaarko wake up.

-Unsilent Majority, Wizznutzz Intern for Life

Arenas said Saturday that the knee injury he suffered in April and the recent birth of his second child has led him to view his financial future in a different light. "It's very important that I secure my future," Arenas said. "Next summer, I will be in a position to sign a contract that will give me 12 solid years in this league. When I came in as a second round pick [in 2001] that's something I never imagined."

Yes, as we know, Huggies can be quite expensive. At least he didn't say "I have to feed my family." We continue to love Gilbert, but ... seriously, fella.

And while we're in a Raising Arizona frame of mind, we can totally picture Gilbert having the following conversation with a convenience store clerk:

GILBERT: "Do these balloons blow up into funny shapes at all?"
CLERK: "Not unless you consider round funny."

Wizards Expected Arenas To Opt Out [Washington Post]

That's why, as an Arenas AND Wizards fan, it freaks me out so much that Arenas is opting out of his Wizards deal after the 2008 season to re-jigger his long-term financial security. I appreciate that, but it makes me nervous.

He says he wants to stay with the Wiz, but - remember - this is the player who claimed made his free-agency decision between the Wizards and the Clippers by flipping a coin 10 times... then when the coin came up 8 times for the Clippers, he picked the Wizards. (He later said he made that story up, but still: Anyone who would make that kind of story up won't necessarily follow conventional thinking, like re-signing with the Wiz offers his best chance for the most money. For Gilbert, I just don't think that "max" money is his primary motivation.)

Why am I freaked out? Because what team WOULDN'T want to try to lure Arenas? Forget that he's the best combo guard in the NBA. More importantly, he's the NBA's most unique personality. As a fan, if your team can't win a title, being wildly entertained is the next-best option.
— D.S.

Arenas Says He Will Opt Out of Deal in '08 [Washington Post]
Gilbert Photo Gallery [Wizznutzz]

Fresh hot and ready, it's Obama-Arenas 2008 campaign shirts: A campaign team that could change the way you think about politics.

Show your support for the only campaign that promises to:
-Legislate the No Snub Left Behind Act.
-Promote universal health care.
-Pardon Chico DeBarge
-Pursue alternative energies incentives: offer bacon grease subsidies.
-Offer comprehensive immigration reform: illegal immigrants can fast-track their citizenship by defeating Homeland Security Czar DeShawn Stevenson in a 3-point shooting competition, an initiative that will be dubbed: "I Want To Feel The Face of Freedom."
-Redecorate the Oval Office as an exact replica of the Lt. Castillo office set from Miami Vice.
-Annex Wheaton Plaza. Crush the resistance movement by cutting off edible underpants supply to Spencer Gifts.

Can the McCain/McIlvaine ticket promise you all that?!

No. It absolutely cannot. So get the shirts and join the party.

OBAMA/ARENAS '08 Official Black Presidential Campaign T-Shirts [Mothering Hut]

Like pretty much anyone who loves the game of basketball, we are distressed to hear that Gilbert Arenas is going to be out two months and miss the playoffs. There was no player we were looking forward to watching more; it has been a blissful, breakthrough season for Agent Zero, and it really shouldn't have ended like this.

We look to Wizznutzz to guide us through the darkness:

I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.

It's gonna be hard.

Gilbert Arenas Out At Least Two Months [ESPN's True Hoop]
Mothering Hut Fashions Make It To Prime Time [Wizznutzz]

But the Wizznutzz crew has a serious challenge today from Chuck Klosterman, who digs deep into the Arenas ethos in an upcoming edition of The New York Times' sports magazine PLAY. (Full disclosure: We have a story in the next issue of PLAY as well, but it's not nearly as good as Klosterman's.) The general (and simplified) thesis of Klosterman on Arenas: His weirdness is not necessarily a construction but a pure and honest expression of a unique and consistently calculating soul. The money quote:

"Sometimes you have to create your own legacy, and that is what I have done. There is no quirkiness about me. I just lash out at things, but it's lighthearted. The freak part of me is not that I'm going to take 60 pills to get attention. I'm not that kind of freak. I just like to watch the Gummi Bears on TV. I'm not Ron Artest. I'm a character. The things I do, the things I say — these are things I sit in my house and think about. I know what I'm doing."

When you get past the "Arenas watches the Gummi Bears!" soundbite lunacy, Klosterman does an outstanding job of pointing out why Arenas' weirdness is less interesting in of itself, and more fascinating because it's so open and admitted. And why, seriously, it's damned near impossible not to root for Gilbert Arenas.

Vote For Gilbert [PLAY Magazine]
ENORMOUS AGENT ZERO INCITE 2 [Wizznutzz]

(UPDATE: Wait ... The Gummi Bears have a show?)

As always, the greatest moments of All-Star Weekend happen when the "game" isn't actually on, and The 700 Level found perhaps the best one. During a commercial break, Gilbert Arenas — of course — decided to satisfy a lifelong curiosity and, playing along with the "entertainment," dunked off a trampoline.

We guarantee you every member of the Washington Wizards front office, when they saw Arenas walking over to the trampoline, went into cardiac arrest. Oh, and what this must have done to Abe Pollin's prostate.

Gilbert Arenas Dunks Off A Trampoline At All Star Game [The 700 Level]

Gilbert... did not get his 50. Unless he meant that his points, field goals attempted, free throws attempted, rebounds, assists, steals, turnovers, fouls, and three pointers attempted would all combine to equal 50. In that case, hey, mission accomplished. Gilbert called his shot. That number was 52. And the final score was Blazers 94, Wizards 73.

In 33 minutes, Gilbert had 9 points, was 0-of-8 from behind the three-point line, 3-of-15 from the floor, and had 2 assists against 5 turnovers. The "Zero" in "Agent Zero" today referred to his production. Gilbert's at his best when he's not trying to force the greatness, but letting it come to him.

Trail Blazers @ Wizards Game Info [NBA.com]

What if I told you that at a Wizards practice yesterday, Gilbert Arenas and DeShawn Stevenson had a contest where Gilbert shot 100 one-handed college three-pointers vs. DeShawn Stevenson shooting 100 two-handed NBA three-pointers... and they bet $20,000 on it. Would that pique your interest? Might that be something you wanted to watch?

Well, with many thanks to the exceptional D.C. Sports Bog... here you go, complete with Gilbert's taunting, flopping, and poor attempt at backspinning:

Gil vs. DeShawn [DC Sports Bog]
Gil vs. DeShawn, the Video [DC Sports Bog]

Also, there's breaking news. Such as the fact that he would gladly give up an NBA season to return to college and play against Duke.

"D'Antoni said that after I scored 54 on them and made my prediction to score 50 on the Blazers that he'd like to see what I'm going to do against Duke. I thought it was funny because if I have the chance to go back to college, I'll give up one NBA season to play against Duke. One college game...that's five fouls, right?...40-minute game...at Duke, they got soft rims...I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."

Mike Krzyzewski cut Arenas from the U.S. National team last summer, and Arenas will get his revenge even if he has to pull a Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School to do it. Just one snag in the plan: Which school would Agent Zero play for? We think that Iona would have an opening.

Actually we'd just like to see Arenas attempt to spell Krzyzewski without breaking the Internet.

Arenas Wants To Hand Coach K, Duke A Lesson [MSNBC]
NBA Blog: Gilbert Arenas [NBA.com]

• The Hibachi Will Not Run On Solar Power. So ... we're assuming that the Gilbert Arenas Revenge Tour is good for only one win per team? That's kind of lame. After scoring 54 against the Suns the last time the teams played, Arenas scored 31 — but started 1-for-6 from the floor — on Tuesday as the Suns clobbered the Wizards 127-105. Steve Nash scored 27 points for Phoenix on 11-for-13 shooting and had 14 assists as the Suns won their 14th straight. Remember the teams' previous meeting in Phoenix, when Washington won in overtime as Arenas scored 54 and was yelling "Hibachi" after each of his scores? That was fun.

• Are You Not Entertained? When do the Suns next play the Mavericks, because we kind of want to see that in person. Let's see ... March 14. In Dallas. Well, maybe one of them will fall apart by then. Dirk Nowitzki's 33 points, 10 rebounds and eight assists led the Mavericks to a 111-95 win over Orlando on Tuesday, Dallas' 35th win of the season, and 21st in their past 22 games.

• The Dynamic Duo Strike Again. Meanwhile, the Nuggets are preparing to crash the party, as they claimed their fifth straight win in the second round of the Allen Iverson/Carmelo Anthony Experience Starring Steve Blake. Anthony, in his second game back after a suspension, scored 34, with Iverson scoring 21, as Denver beat Seattle 117-112. Blake had two key 3-pointers in the late going. Iverson also scored his 20,000th career point, which was subtracted from his game totals and sent to the NBA Hall of Fame in a ziplock baggie.

• All The NOOCH That's Fit To Print. Hey, and Iverson's old team is even winning! Kyle Korver had 25 points as Philadelphia beat New Orleans 102-96.

• Zero Calories, Zero Aftertaste. That Kobe-as-MVP talk is a little premature, don't you think? Gilbert Arenas is making a strong case for himself; his 3-pointer a the buzzer capped a 51-point effort in Washington's 114-111 win over the Jazz. "MVP? That trophy is given out at the end of the year," Arenas said. "This is (37) games into the season, so you can't do too much about it. Right now, Steve Nash is above everybody. You have to really do something dramatic in this league. If Kobe averages 35 with an 81 and he didn't get it, you have to do something else in this league to overtake what Steve Nash has done." We agree.

• I Am the Sun King. Meanwhile, the Suns have won 10 straight after their 137-122 win over the Grizzlies on Monday, in which Amare Stoudemire had a season-high 42 points. And we think we all saw this coming. You have to admire Memphis for just showing up these days.

• Cook Turns On The Heat. The big showdown: Kobe Bryant 25, Dwayne Wade 35, and Brian Cook 25 ... wait, what was that last one? Former Illini Cook, averaging 7.0 points per game going in, hit the go-ahead 3-pointer in overtime as the Lakers beat Miami 124-118 on Monday night to snap the Heat's four-game winning streak.

• Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte. Milwaukee's newest player, 5-foot-5 Earl Boykins, scored 30 in his second game for the Bucks, and 7-foot Andrew Bogut had 27 points and 11 rebounds in Milwaukee's 99-91 win over Charlotte.

Witness the following exchange after last night's win over the Bulls, from blogger Information Leafblower:

Leaf: "Gil, how would rate your swag tonight?"
Gilbert Arenas: [laughs] "It was a mellow swag until the end."
Leaf: "Is there a scale? Can you get better than phenomenal or is that the top?"
Gilbert Arenas: "No, phenomenal is the top. Phenomenal swag is the top swag."
Leaf: "So mellow swag is in the middle?"
Gilbert Arenas: "Yeah, you're just chilling."

We have no idea how this guy doesn't have his own church yet.

Leaf Vs. Agent Zero, Round Two [Information Leafblower]

Busta [Rhymes, we presume] just got out on bail and when he came out people were jacked up. I'm not sure he knew where he was. He kept telling us we were dressed too nice and we needed to get loud. And he kept wishing us a happy '07 like it was a New Year's party. Finally at the end, he wished Gil a happy birthday, and said "that mother[effer's] been puttin' some serious mother[effin'] points on that scoreboard."

Whenever I saw Gil he just looked like a kid in a candy store, as if he couldn't believe all of this was here for him. Every time he got around the crowd, people started the MVP chant. All of the other white dudes kept giving us the knowing head nod. Yeah ... we're white AND we're at Love!

This is pretty close to what our last birthday party was like, though rather than an ice sculpture, we had karaoke. That counts, right?

"He Looked Like A Kid In A Candy Store [The Fanhouse]
The Key To Any Good Party Is The Ice Sculpture [Deadspin]

"Everybody get drunk and make bad decisions." That's his advice? And I'm supposed to trust his shot selection?

Oh, and here's a shot of the Gilbert Arenas ice sculpture. I think this picture was taken later in the party, because it appears to have been pretty well melted. Either that, or Calvin Booth spent ten minutes humping it.

UPDATE: Wizznutzz has their own details on Gilbert's Party, and... you really don't want to miss these.

THE WHOLE TOWN IS GOING CRAZY ABOUT THE JOLLY SWAGMAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! [The Wizznutzz]
Exclusive Arenas Express Soiree Incites!! [The Wizznutzz]

Gilbert Arenas Wants His Guests Drunk [NBA FanHouse]
More Guerilla Media from Arenas's Big 2-5 [NBA FanHouse]

• Who Owns This Place? We love it when players just go off for no apparent reason; and not in the bad Carmelo Anthony way, but in the good, Gilbert Arenas just scored 60 way. That's right, Agent Zero went a tad insane on Sunday at The Forum — or more so than usual, anyway — and scored 60 on the Lakers, the first time anyone has done that since Wilt Chamberlain. Washington beat Los Angeles 147-141 in overtime, and Kobe Bryant has to be thinking 'What do I have to do?' after scoring 45 points of his own.

• Where's The Big Love For Jazz? Meanwhile, Utah is sneaking around with an 18-6 record that no one seems to notice, even though it's the second-best mark in all of the NBA. Le Jazz beat the Pacers 104-94 on Sunday, holding Indiana to 36.5 percent shooting.

• Mr. Big Shot, Who Do You Think You Are? Jason Maxiell filled in for Rasheed Wallace's sore ankles and had 17 points and 12 rebounds, including the clinching shot with 6 seconds left, in the Pistons' 97-93 win over the SuperSonics.

• Yao, Baby. Yao Ming had 32 points and 10 rebounds, Rafer Alston had 24 points, and Tracy McGrady had zero points (still sidelined) as the Rockets ended a three-game losing streak, winning 108-103 vover the Clippers.

"He says it every time he shoots. Everybody hears it - whenever Gilbert talks, everybody hears. He really was screaming it this morning in the shootaround, so 'hibachi' it is. He's on fire, so 'hibachi."'

"You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi."'

Arenas Helps Lead Wizards Over Bobcats [Forbes.com]
Hibachi! Arenas Stays Hot In Win Over Bobcats [NBA FanHouse]

PlayStation 3, Nintendo Wii
Man, I couldn't get it. I stood outside no hours and got nothing. That's when you sit in your room and try to use your celebrityism. I didn't get nothing. I knew I should have called and said I was D-Wade. "Um, hello, this is D-Wade ... This is LeBron ... Can I come over there and get one of them?" Then I would have had one.

Actually, I do love coming to the NBA Studios because it means I'm going to be on TV. I'm about to get ready to do the Ahmad Rashad show . That's great. That's the second time of my career. I'm getting big now! People, I'm getting big. Y'all better watch out. Me and Ahmad go back like stocking caps and waves. We're gonna be tight.
All-Star Voting Time
I know ballots are out. I know Puffy had the Vote or Die, you know, with them shirts. You know, I want to have, "If no one votes for me, I'm not going to do anymore blogs."

It is a wonderful, replenishly awesome read, and we can't get enough of it. We find it hypnotic. We think we're gonna have a hamburger and call it turkey too.

Gilbert Arenas' Blog [NBA.com]

(Photo from the invaluable Wizznutzz Arenas photo gallery.)

No site captures this feel more than the great Free Darko, which we read like a doctor's chart every day during the NBA season. They understand the dichotomy between individual achievement and collective glory, and how those are not mutually exclusive. And they've got a way with letters too.

Therefore, we've asked them to look at the arcs of certain players going into this season, what 2006-07 means to them, their teams and their legacies. They'll be previewing a player a day, up to tipoff next Tuesday.

Today: Gilbert Arenas. Your author is Bethlehem Shoals. After the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

In '05-06, Gilbert Arenas was putting up a wondrous 28.2 points per game at the break, but failed to make the All-Star team. Indignant and emboldened, he got in on a technicality the week of, and then looked jittery and out of place the few times he touched the ball. He propelled his Washington Wizards to their second straight playoff visit, only to have LeBron's shadow bury this accomplishment. In a scorching six-game series, the Mad Cuban went blow-for-blow with The King, only to choke on a pair of late game free-throw misses so strange they were almost forgivable. Team USA? Came, saw, impressed, offended ... and was cast out under a cloud of right wing conspiracy. Revenge has been promised.

Arenas has claimed that he's not quirky, and no athlete today does as much to confuse — and charm — us fans as Agent Zero. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation for all of his legendary pranks and habits, and maybe the press has gone out of its way to paint this interesting guy as a nude maniac. But the bottom line is ... well, there is no such solid thing. How exactly do you make sense of the NBA's most eccentric figure asking a reporter what eccentric means? A borderline superstar so underrated he becomes a scrappy underdog? A reckless, streaky performer who logs endless hours in the gym? A shoot-first point guard who's virtually impossible to dislike? Calling anything "Zen-like" should be avoided at all costs, but at this point Arenas is more bottomless riddle than one-note lightweight.

The question lingers, though, if Gilly Gil can indeed raise up and hit that rich note required of true franchise gawdz. FreeDarko is all for the uniqueness, and certainly the NBA could use a few more full-fledged personalities like His Zeroness. Still, it's hard for a leader to rally others if his emotional logic makes sense only to him, or requires extensive rationalization. Even if he cedes the veteran wisdom responsibility to the distinguished Antawn Jamison, his cohorts still have to be able to trust his game, feel the power, if they're going to strap their fortunes up on top of his back. Arenas may not have as many flaws as Iverson, but the Answer sets a clear tone for others, while Arenas-as-motivation is like getting your Scripture through a translation engine.

Not surprisingly, it's anyone's guess what a "mature" Arenas would look like. While he's rarely given the same harsh treatment as some of his peers in combo-dom, his critics would probably suggest fewer shots, a move to the two, better discipline, and so on. I can't imagine Coach Jordan wouldn't like to have a little clearer idea of what Arenas is doing, thinking, or planning from second-to-second. And as a fan, I would like to see the guy find a middle-ground between good-natured insouciance and dead-eyed fury. The truth is, whatever Gilbert does, it won't resemble the usual clich s of "putting it all together" or "getting with the program." If Arenas can turn his unpredictability into flexibility, and the rest of the Wizards can undergo the counseling necessary to see things his way, the NBA's holy fool might be hailed as a visionary in a season or two.

Then again, it might be that, like Iverson, Arenas is an incandescent gamble that can only pay out so much. Stifling or grooming this cheery vortex might backfire; we might be forced to admit that Arenas is what he is, is what he is because of how he is, and will only go as far as that will take him. At this juncture the man is such a high-profile enigma — try wading through recent NBA coverage without bumping into a piece on him — that the world might not allow him to change. Especially if the shift is more subtle, come May, you still might be bombarded with Gilbertology 101 even if real observers can smell the difference. Dismal as all this sounds, it's the perception Arenas will be up against this coming season, as he tries to shed some of the same reputation that's now starting to make a household name out of him.

The Machine trained himself to sleep on the couch, because he doesn't like women touching him.

Gil felt like someone was controlling his shot from the stands when he missed those free throws against the Cavs.

The Stealth says he bites Awvee Storey while they wrestle. (Who doesn't, really?)

Gil: "When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert." I just fill it up, so no one can leave messages."

This last one is our favorite. Just to get this straight, Arenas immediately turns off his cellphone and calls himself with messages so no one will call and leave messages. There's a mad genius to that that's just breathtaking.

Agent Zero Stories Galore [DC Sports Bog]

If you haven't heard, the Washington Wizards' new slogan for the 2006-07 season is "Go All In," which is possibly a reference to Gilbert Arenas' love of playing online poker at halftime and is definitely not something that makes much sense. To quote DC Sports Bog:

There are several scenarios that would make you go all in in poker, right?

1) You have the best made hand, someone else is on a draw, and you want to end things.
2) You're bluffing.
3) You're short-stacked and desperate.
4) You actually do have the best hand and want to get paid.

I don't see any of these scenarios applying to the Wizards, circa 2006. They don't have the best team, they have no reason to bluff or be desperate, and it's not like they're ahead in this hand, metaphorically or otherwise, although I have no idea what that means.

Bullets Fever looks at this in more detail. As far as slogans go, it's not as bad as the Cardinals' famous "Red Means Go," but, you know, we still don't understand it.

Arenas Goes All In [DC Sports Bog]
All In [Bullets Fever]

"I had my house converted to the Colorado altitude, so I am always above sea level," Arenas said Monday at the Wizards annual pre-training camp media day. "I had to put a tent in one room, and then they are going to come during training camp and fix the whole house. Then I have a portable tent I'm taking on the road."

The idea, he said, is for him to not get so tired during the fourth quarter of games. And that doesn't sound half as crazy as some other stuff in the Arenas file:

• Revealed last year that he sometimes plays online poker during halftime.
• Wears No. 0 because, he says, he was supposed to get zero minutes at the University of Arizona.
• Told Washington Post that because he was cut from the U.S. world championship team (although officially he left due to injury), he would "exact revenge on Team USA assistant coaches Nate McMillan and Mike D'Antoni" by scoring 100 points each on their respective teams, Portland and Phoenix.
• Said that he got himself in shape for training camp this year with a week of boot camp with "a military dude in San Francisco."
• Once attempted a free throw in a regular season game by bouncing the shot off the floor, missing badly.
• While with the Warriors, once took a shower at halftime in full uniform.
• Two years ago, spent Christmas with 200 kids, taking them all to see The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
• Before every game, hides a teammate's jersey somewhere in the locker room to makes him look for it.

Arenas' House Converted To 'Colorado Altitude' [MSNBC]

Generally speaking, we think it's silly for online writers — who are the only ones free from the PR/press pass/everybody-play-nice circle jerk of commercialized athletics — to salivate over press passes as if they had, at last, been invited to the ball. But we will make an exception when the folks from Free Darko sit courtside for the United States-Puerto Rico international game.

They hang out with Brad Miller at a Best Buy, ask Jim Gray if he likes being single and even give a shirt to the man Gilbert Arenas himself. We are fascinated by USA Basketball and have read countless stories about the first game. This is, without question, our favorite.

Free Darko At The Hem Of USA Basketball [Free Darko]

If LeBron and Damon Jones are done making love, that is. No doubt here about who's on top in this relationship. By the way, did Damon Jones bother to run down to the other end of the court after he hit that shot?

Anyway... where to start with last night's game? So many highlights. Of course, there's Damon Jones' game winner from the corner. An assistant coach was assigned to actually brush the dust off of Damon Jones, who had been used about as often as a razor at Pau Gasol's house. He comes in completely cold and sticks a game-winner. Admirable. Of course, he's pretty much exclusively a three-point shooter, he was brought in for one reason only, and he was left completely unguarded.

And Gilbert Arenas... well, he's probably not enjoying his day today. I'd imagine he's behaving a lot like Mikey in Swingers, the morning after Sue pulled out his gat and then called Mikey a little whiny bitch. An 82% free throw shooter steps to the line in a situation with the season on the line, and he misses both. Ouchie. And not only that, LeBron James, in the post game press conference, gleefully tells the world about how he trash-talked him between free throws and got in his head.

I hope the Wizards can improve in the off-season, perhaps giving LeBron vs. Gilbert a chance