Now, this is only a hypothetical list — none of these players have been accused or are even rumored to be on the '03 survey testing. The reason A-Rod's name popped up seems a little coincidental, considering that SI's Selena Roberts, one of the writers who broke the original story, is coming out with a book about Alex Rodriguez this May. Most baseball fans (and sports fans, in general) are pretty jaded by all this steroid talk. As long as there is a heartfelt apology attached, then let's move on. But here's a list of players whose careers would be seriously altered should their names pop up.

• Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox: Schilling's been stridently anti-steroid and tireless in separating himself from the needle-injecting evil doers who have tainted his game. He's even demanded that the list of all the players who failed the test be publicly named so that the rest of the innocent players aren't just guilty by association. But what if his name pops up on the list? It would disastrous to his bloody sock legacy, but would also probably get him to shut the hell up for once. Finally.

• Derek Jeter, New York Yankees: Jeter's baseball reputation is pretty untarnished up to this point, that is if you count dalliances with young actresses or sabermetric knobs' conclusions that he's a crappy fielder blemishes. But Jeter popping up on the list of 103 would seem to rattle the baseball purists to the point of no return; if Jeter was using 'roids the whole time, does the fawning over his heart and hustle completely disappear and make him just an ordinary player for the rest of his career?

• Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies: He's consistently hailed as a throwback player and one who overachieves beyond his natural abilities and physicality to put up inflated power numbers. He's soft-spoken, humble, and always seems to say the right thing in public. You know, besides World Series victory parades in front of a live television audience.

• Greg Maddux, retired: He's the consummate "pitcher's pitcher" who's managed to rack up 355 wins throughout his career without overpowering stuff. Always lauded for his work ethic and his ability to out-think opposing batters, his Hall of Fame status could potentially be ruined if it turns out he'd been juicing for the sake of inching up the record books and prolonging his career.

• Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: Leitch hinted that his trainer might have been on the initial Grimsely list back in 2006 and the Emeritus became the most hated man in the Midwest for a short period of time. (My favorite rip on Will at the time came from a writer who said something along the lines of, "He authored a book called 'Life As A Loser.' That's a surprise.") But what if you found out that Pujols' ridiculous slugging percentage and consistency were HGH-enhanced? He would go from perennial MVP candidate to Giambi-like, comeback player of the year candidate depending on how sincere his apology was.

Maddux, a nine-time All-Star while pitching for the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs, started his major-league career in 1986. His 355 victories rank eighth in major league history, one more than Roger Clemens, with Maddux earning his final win by holding the San Francisco Giants to one run over six innings on Sept. 27.

The Dodgers acquired him from the San Diego Padres in August — the second time in three years the Dodgers traded for him to fortify their rotation in a pennant stretch — and he was 2-4 with a 5.09 earned-run average in seven starts.

Every 300-game winner eligible for the Hall of Fame has been inducted, with Maddux, Clemens and Tom Glavine not yet eligible.

Maddux has been one of those guys that just went out and did his thing; he's an odd athlete, really, because nobody will ever jump up and scream, "I saw Greg Maddux pitch! And it was awesome!" He was amazing at what he did, and that Braves staff of the 1990s featuring Maddox, Glavine and Smoltz might have been the greatest ever. Here's hoping he did enough to inspire the next generation of nerdy, unassuming white guys that never get into trouble.

Greg Maddux to retire on Monday [LA Times]

The Cavs victory wasn't the only thing Mistake by the Lakers celebrated yesterday while eagerly awaiting their next 23-cent pizza day. Grady Sizemore homered twice and drove in five runs to propel the Tribe to a 12-0 throttling of the Blue Jays. It's enough to get Indians fans off their ice cream helmet binges. The still-struggling Travis Hafner went 0-for-3 but he did get hit by a pitch. Just keep leaning into 'em like Roger Dorn, Pronk. Aaron Laffey pitched seven inning of scoreless ball to pick up his first win of the season.

Orioles fuck with the DeJesus, still win: David DeJesus went 2-for-3 with a triple and scored two late runs, but Baltimore held on over KC thanks to a three-run homer by Kevin Millar (really?) in the 1st. The win marks the 12th straight win by the Orioles over the Royals.

That's a quality start: Kevin Millwood left with a strained groin after getting two outs in the 1st. I try to do that before the game starts, Kevin. The Rangers bullpen handled the rest. The A's snapped the Rangers 33-inning scoreless streak in the 3rd, but Texas picked up three late runs, two of which credited to the monster that is Keith Foulke, to earn the victory.

Winning Uggla: The Marlins continue to be one of the game's surprises this season while the Nationals, uh, do not. Dan Uggla drove in five runs and Andrew Miller pitched seven inning of two-hit ball to down the Nats 11-0. There's always Five Guys to soothe your sorrow, Nats fans. Mmmmm, cajun fries.

Mad Old Dog Collects Meaningless Milestone:: Greg Maddux picked up his 350th career win, becoming one of nine pitchers ever to do so, in a Padres' 3-2 win over the Rockies. Next up on the list: Roger Clemens at 354. Better start juicin'!

He continued to pitch, with the embarrassment of giving up six runs after the first inning, and actually made it all the way to the seventh inning, allowing his bullpen to pitch just one inning. If there was a category of respect you never gave Greg Maddux before ("Well, sure, he's great at defense, pitching, pitching in the playoffs ... but how does he handle getting his ass beat the day after his team plays a 22 inning game? Heh?!), then consider your Bingo card completely filled.

Also, credit goes to Arizona's Conor Jackson, who could have batted for the cycle in the fifth inning by casually strolling to second for his double, but he stretched that into his second triple of the night.

It's Always Those Last 12 Runs That Getcha. Kansas City was looking to steal a game in Oakland behind Brian Bannister, but Mr. Staircase Support didn't get a lot of run support. And his 2-1 lead evaporated in the sixth inning behind four Oakland runs. Then the game got all nutty with eight more in the eighth for a 13-2 demolishing of the Royales with cheese. Bobby Crosby had two doubles and a 3-run home run for 5 RBI in all, and Chad Gaudin pitched seven, struck out eight, and allowed just six baserunners.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say "It's Only April?" The Baltimore Orioles still have a better record than the Yankees. Certainly that'll change once they start playing th.. oh. Baltimore welcomed in N'yawk and then rickrolled them by roughing up Phil Hughes en route to an 8-2 victory. The only guy who knocked in runs for the Yankees was — good thing you didn't place bets on this one — Chad Moeller. Daniel Cabrera was good enough in his start, walking just two batters, far lower than the manager's pre-game target number of 18 walks for the control-stricken hurler.

So, They're Awesome Again, Until Further Beatdowns, Correct? I can't keep track of all these large-margin games for the Tigers. Either they're "in trouble" or "World Series contenders." There can't possibly be any middle ground here. Last night Kenny Rogers found enough magic thumb solvent to stifle the Jays for just four runs over 6 1/3 innings, then prayed that the Tigers brought their wooden bats and not the delicious tubes of cotton candy. Edgar Renteria had a two-run home run and the Tigers lineup had 7 doubles in their 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Wooden bats.

Mommy, The Weekday Editors Are Fighting Again. With the Cardinals taking it to the Metaphorically-Sized Giants 11-1 last night, I have to wonder if Will's team beating Rick's team will have any lingering effects once they return to the writing grounds on Monday. I don't want any awkward posts between them. Matt Cain couldn't escape the fourth inning, where Albert Pujols layethed the "run of home" into the stands, and Todd Wellemeyer is now 2-0 after an impressive start against the Giants lineup. Because if you look closely, there a couple of baseball players in that Giants lineup. No, don't go searching for them now. You've got chores to do, young man.

Maddux had been joking the whole week before about how he the best way to pitch to Bonds was, "you just walk him. I mean, it's not that hard to throw four a couple of feet outside." But Greg Maddux didn't become Greg Maddux by not being rabidly competitive, and he went after Bonds all four times, forcing him to go 0-for-4. And he did it in that confounding, elliptical Maddux way that we've all admired for decades.

Whatever your thoughts on Bonds and the legitimacy of his record, this was a moment to revel in: A Hall of Fame pitcher, in the last days of career, testing what he had left against another Hall of Famer. And despite history glaring at him, he took Bonds four times. For all the other clutter, it was a pure baseball moment. It reminded us how much we love Maddux, and baseball.

We do not expect such moments from John Lannan tonight. No offense, John.

Bonds Picks On Somebody His Own Size [Newsday]

"Hey Greg, I've got one for you," Brian Giles said to new Padres teammate Greg Maddux last month. "Why was the mathematics book depressed?" Giles said. After the 333-game winner pondered the question for a few seconds, Giles slowly delivered the punch line. "Because it had a lot of problems inside."



Giles laughed as if he were the second coming of Robin Williams, slapped Maddux in the left arm and walked away. Maddux, appearing perplexed, resumed answering questions from a reporter. Giles returned a few second later, speaking slowly, like an athlete who took too many shots to the helmet. He stared into Maddux's bemused face. "Greg, here's another one. What kind of waves are the really small ones in the ocean?" Pause. "Micro waves."



Giles giggled and walked back to his dressing stall. A trace of a grin appeared on Maddux's face. Then Maddux resumed the interview. Giles returned in about 30 seconds - naked - and said, "Greg, what kind of language does a porcupine use? "Spine language." Maddux belly-laughed. Giles roared and, now content, the right fielder made a triumphant return to his clubhouse stall. "I guess it's funnier when he tells the joke without wearing any clothes," Maddux said.

We don't want overstate this, but it's very likely that Brian Giles has a serious mental disability and needs professional help.

Clubhouse Chemistry Winning Formula? [San Diego Union Tribune] (via The Smittblog),

• 1. We Would Have Said Juan Marichal and Sandy Koufax, But Whatever .... Greg Maddux and Jason Schmidt went old school on Sunday, with the Dodgers finally beating the Giants in 10, 1-0, on Russell Martin's leadoff homer. It's not often that the names of classic 1960s pitchers are invoked in connection with the current NL West (like, never), but Giants manager Felipe Alou gets a free pass after this one. "It was a classic Dodger-Giant duel," Alou told AP. "It could have been Jack Sanford and Don Drysdale." You know, it's quite possible Alou thinks his team won. Maddux and Schmidt each threw eight shutout innings, the former allowing only two hits. LA has won 15 of its past 16, after a 1-13 start following the All-Star break. As for the Giants, well, those records are sealed.

• 2. Juiced. Get ready for the Travis Hafner Special at Denny's; he has equaled Don Mattingly's single-season record for grand slams with six. It came during Cleveland's 11-run first inning in a 13-0 win over the Royals.

• 3. Dream Weaver, Can You Help Me Make It Through The Night?. Sorry to spoil Jered Weaver's high, but we're going to have to say "Livan Hernandez" right now. Weaver became the first pitcher since you-know-who in 1997 to win his first eight decisions, throwing a six-inning three-hitter as the Angels claimed a 5-3 win at Yankee Stadium. Hey, isn't that the same Yankee Stadium where a certain Jeff Weaver once toiled, mostly in vain?

• 4. Our Sincerest Apologies, Detroit. Well, the Tigers aren't "suddenly slumping" anymore. We're afraid we jinxed them last week when we called the AL Central race in their favor. Sorry. We had vowed never to violate the Prime Directive and meddle in your affairs. The White Sox won 7-3, to take a three-game sweep and come within 5 1/2 games of first-place Detroit.

• 5. Time For Your BoSox Injection. Hey, another grand slam! Mike Lowell slammed, and then dazzled, to help the Red Sox to an 11-9 win over Baltimore, drawing Boston within one game of the first-place Yankees in the AL East. Lowell, playing third, made a great backhand play to throw out Melvin Mora for the game's final out. Lowell hit a grand slam in the first.

Of course, one musn't forget the team that Maddux left, the Chicago Cubs, which has dealt with decades of futility and now must deal without the calming, adult, mature nature of a Hall of Famer in their dugout every night. It's about class; it's about dignity.

But don't just take it from us; listen to former teammate Ryan Dempster:

"We've been sharing locker space for three years," [Dempster] said. "It's kind of weird not having him there to talk about golf or talk about pitching, farting on each other, whatever it is."

We'll confess: It has many years since we played organized sports — high school, of course, four-year backup catcher in baseball and freshman year backup strong safety in football; our presence on the team was the equivalent of having a third-string kicker who's a girl — but we very much remember farting on our teammates before games. Of course, they didn't have greenies back then, so we needed something.

By the way, that photo is of Dempster spraying Cardinals fans with a hose at Wrigley Field last week. Jerk.

Ex-Mates Feel Void Left By Maddux, The Clubhouse Sage [Chicago Sun-Times]

• 1. Mr. Blue, You're Doin' It Right. Greg Maddux hasn't pitched a no-hitter since Little League — which was, what, 50 years ago? — but he came close in his Dodgers debut. The 40-year-old had barely unpacked after his trade from the Cubs when he pitched six hitless innings, missing out on a chance for a no-hitter because of a 45-minute rain delay. The Dodgers went on to beat the Reds 3-0. "After 45 minutes, we didn't want to take a chance," manager Grady Little said of pulling Maddux. "He said he had a no-hitter in Little League that would last him the rest of his life. We have priorities now." There's no such thing officially as a six-inning no-hitter in the majors, by the way, so Maddux was out of luck even if it continued raining.

• 2. Chase Of A Lifetime. The hitting machine that is Chase Utley continues to chug along, as his three hits on Thursday extended his hitting streak to 35 games. Utley singled in the first and added two more hits in the Phillies' 8-1 victory over the Cardinals. It's the 10th-longest hitting streak in major league history, in case you were wondering. Oh, and the Cardinals are making us miserable.

• 3. A Lidle Goes A Long Way. Cory Lidle went six strong innings in his first start with the Yankees, and Bobby Abreu had three hits (he's 5-for-13 in three games since joining NY) as the pinstriped-ones beat the Blue Jays 8-1.

• 4. Meet Beat The Mets. Dontrelle Willis went eight innings to outduel Pedro Martinez as the Marlins beat the Mets 4-1. This puts Florida just four games back of the Reds and the Diamondbacks in the NL wild card race.

• 5. Shin-Soo Choo Koo, Mrs. Robinson. David Ortiz hit a grand slam in the ninth to lead the Red Sox to ... oh, no, that's wrong. Sorry; force of habit. The Indians' Jake Westbrook became the first pitcher in 18 years to win despite allowing 15 hits, as Cleveland beat Boston 8-7 behind Shin-Soo Choo's grand slam.