I've received a handful of complaints from people recently asking me why I, and Congress as a whole, continue to pursue Roger Clemens and the rest of Major League Baseball for the truth regarding performance-enhancing drugs in the sport. I've gotten letters from aggrieved constituents telling me that Congress is wasting time and money, and that we should be working on other "more important matters," such as the war, health care, and so on.

Let me first address those concerns by saying that I believe Congress is already directing plenty of attention towards Iraq, the subprime mortgage crisis and other pressing matters, thank you very much. There ARE over 200 of us, you know. We are able to handle more than one thing at a time. In fact, that's what we're here for. Just because I want to hold both Clemens and baseball accountable for their shared history of steroid use does not mean I am unable to address other issues. We have not, I repeat NOT, pursued this inquiry at the expense of everything else.

As a matter of fact, given that this problem was allowed to fester in the sport for so long, I'd say we were a bit lax in addressing it, probably because of those other "more important" things. This epidemic goes as far back as the 70's. So I regret the fact that we have only gotten around to it just now. Had we been more vigilant, all this would not have been necessary today.

Secondly, it is clear to me that Mr. Clemens was not forthcoming in the least when he delivered his testimony here at Capitol Hill last month. Are we, as a Congress, simply supposed to let that slide? If someone, under oath, is evasive and downright dishonest with us, regardless of the matter, is it right for us to simply ignore it because it's not important enough?

Perhaps you find this matter to be trivial. That's fine. I'm happy to grant you that, much as I may disagree. But I do not believe that the direness of the subject is relevant here. What is relevant is that this man, Mr. Clemens, lied to us. And to let him get away with it would be setting a terrible example for the rest of the nation. Are we supposed to allow perjury on a subjective basis? I submit that would be a grave error. What would then keep others from lying to Congress in hopes of a similar free pass?

You see, I know Mr. Clemens lied to us. He gave testimony that directly contradicted that of his personal trainer, whose testimony was far more concrete. He also gave testimony that directly contradicted the testimony of a former teammate who had absolutely no reason to lie. It is clear to me, and other members of Congress that Mr. Clemens has established a consistent pattern of dishonesty. He is a compulsive liar, who repeatedly evades the truth as a way to avoid having to deal with his own flaws as a human being. It's so crystal clear. I know he took steroids. I know he took HGH.

And, most all, I know that asshole knows what a vegan is.

You may have found it a bit silly when Congressman Bruce Braley asked Clemens if he had ever been a vegetarian or a vegan. But I think Clemens' answer gives us a perfect look at his complete and utter disingenuousness.

"I don't know what that is. I'm sorry."

Oh, really? No clue what a vegan is? This from a gentleman who played in New York City FOR SIX YEARS? He's never even heard the term? I'm sorry, but that is bullshit. The man is 45 years old and has never seen that term used on a restaurant menu, or on a TV show, or in a magazine, or on the news, or in a movie, or at AT&T Park in San Francisco, for God's sake? No teammate ever joked about vegans with him?

My ass.

Look, I'll give you that veganism is a fairly new phenomenon. But it's not some underground movement, like mopery. Vegans have been out there prominently since the 90's. We even have them in Congress. Barney Frank gave me a taste of stir fried tempeh the other day. I thought it tasted like a particularly nutty bowel movement, but I lied and told him it was delicious. There are vegan actors, too. Familiar with little actress known as ALICIA SILVERSTONE, Mr. Clemens?

Your story is unraveling faster than a vegan family rehearsal dinner at Ruth's Chris.

All Mr. Clemens had to do was say, "No, I'm not a vegan," to Congressman Braley, and I think we all would have believed him. He's a big conservative fella. I'm sure he's not spending time mixing new blends with Moby over at teany. But instead, Mr. Clemens had to go way overboard and pretend he didn't even know what a vegan was, just so he could look like a real man's man.

I understand this, under certain circumstances. Sometimes, when I'm watching the TV with my wife and "Access Hollywood" comes on, my wife will ask me, "Who are those two people?" and I'll pretend I don't know. Oh, I know that's Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, and that my girl Spoon only got with Jake after being on the rebound from Ryan, and that Jake may be gay after being caught with Austin Nichols at a Lakers game the other week. I know this stuff. I read People when I go to the dermatologist's office. I just don't tell my wife I know because, well, it just seems a bit girly. If that makes me insecure, so be it.

But I certainly wouldn't lie to Congress about Reese and Jake.

You see, what you saw on television from Mr. Clemens' testimony is only part of the story. Congressman Braley and I had a private, off-the-record session with Mr. Clemens prior to the hearing. Here were some of the questions we asked, and some of Clemens' answers:

Question: Have you ever eaten puff pastry?

Clemens: I don't even know what that is.

Question: Do you own any Cole Haan shoes?

Clemens: I don't even know who that is.

Question: Have you ever purchased anything at Sephora?

Clemens: I don't even know where that is.

Question: Are you a fan of Rugkazbah?

Clemens: I don't even know what that is. My mom might know.

You see the pattern of deceit here?! This is man who is not only willing to lie, but has a steadfast determination to avoid the truth at all costs. He has done this at the expense of teammates, friends and even his own family. So don't tell me that exposing him is a useless kind of exercise for the American public. This is the same kind of pathological lying that corrupts every aspect of our society, whether it be baseball, or war, or anything else. And Congress is determined to put a stop to it.

Because that asshole has totally seen a Not Dog before.

You know, the program here at Duke is unlike any other program in Division I basketball. I know other coaches like to tell kids like you that you'll get starter's minutes the second you enroll here, but we don't do that here at Duke. You may start your freshman year, true, but I'm not going to put you out on that court unless I know you're in a position to succeed. I WANT you to succeed. I WANT you to play at your best. Which is why I'm not going to make any empty promises to you. I'd like to think we're a different kind of program in that regard. Yes, I'm here to help you succeed in basketball, but I'm also here to provide kids like you with a game plan for...

Hey! Hey, ref! WHAT THE FUCK KINDA CALL WAS THAT, YOU FUCKING JEW FUCK! Yeah, that's what I fucking called you! Whatsa matter, you don't like it? Tough fucking shit, you fucking bagel-eater! You gonna kick me out of MY goddamn arena, you fucking piece of shit?! You think the 9,314 people sitting here are just gonna let your Jew ass walk out that fucking door?! SWALLOW THE FUCKING WHISTLE OR I'LL FUCKING INTERN ALL YOUR LITTLE JEW BABIES!...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "CHOO CHOO!")

Sorry, bit of business to tend to there for a moment. Anyway, as I was saying, we at Duke don't think of our program as a team. We think of it as a family. But I'm sure a lot of programs are like that. At Duke, we strive to be a bit more unique in that regard. I don't want you to think of the team as a your immediate family, but I want you to think of the rest of the University as your EXTENDED family. The faculty, the students, even the facilities staff. At Duke, we stress the student first and the athlete second. I want you to think of yourself as an individual, and not merely a cog in some big-time NCAA program. It's been my philosophy here for 28 years: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. That means emphasizing making you a good person, and not just a good...

FOUL! FOUL! FOUL! FOUL! How the fuck did you not call that foul, you fucking Jew mongrel shitbag? What, did you listen to your fucking blackie friend over on the baseline? Where is that asshole's discipline? Was he too busy staring at all the young white women in MY crowd? He's not allowed to do that! TRAIN YOUR GODDAMN NEGROES, LIKE I TRAINED THOMAS HILL, YOU FUCKING MAUREEN-DOWD-READING JEW COCKPULLER!...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "WHO'S YOUR MAM-MY?")

What I hope to instill in you is a sense of self-discipline and appreciation of teamwork on the court that can easily translate to how you conduct yourself in all other arenas of life. I've always said to all our kids, you won't be playing this game forever. I'm different from other coaches like that. If I haven't adequately prepared you to succeed OFF the court, it doesn't matter how many games we win. I want all our kids to have a successful life, even if that means they come here and never step on the court. Lots of our kids have gone on to great careers in fields like finance, or investment banking, or stockbroking, or trading, or investment trading, or financial stockbroking. The options are limitless, and we have an alumni network that is HUGELY supportive. I think in many ways that's my proudest accomplishment as coach: seeing these kids mature into...

YOU FUCKING JEW COCKSUCKER! You are trying to STEAL this game from my kids, you fucking stitched-up twat! This happened all the time to my fucking parents when they were in Poland. Some fucking tricky Jew would ask for their help, but they'd use their sneaky Jew phrasing to screw them over later! I won't let you Jew my kids out of this game! This campus is 10 percent Jewish, BUT WE KEEP THOSE KIDS IN THEIR OWN FRATS FOR A REASON! I'M STRIDENTLY AGAINST ABORTION UNLESS IT MEANS THE GRADUAL PHASEOUT OF YOUR FUCKING SPECIES, CHRIST-KILLER!...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "WE HATED YOU IN JEW-NO")

Now, you're gonna have to work hard. All our kids work hard. But the reason they work hard is because they see the end result of all that dedication. And, again, I'm not just talking about basketball. We're different here at Duke. I want you to dedicate yourself not just to game study, or your classes. I want you to dedicate yourself to your relationships, and your intramural activities. There's so MUCH here to take advantage of, and all our kids do. If you look at our team now, you'll see an enormously diverse group. Some of them are from New Jersey. Some are from Connecticut. Some are from New York. And a couple more are from New Jersey. And they all have divergent interests. Jordan Davidson likes Coldplay, whereas David McClure prefers David Gray. And, the irony is, it's this shared dedication among them all that allows them to be so different! Isn't that amazing?...

TEN SECONDS! TEN SECONDS! TEN SECONDS! His foot was over the line? FUCK YOU. Fuck you and you fucking family and FUCK your children and FUCK whatever children they end up having, which I hope is none. You are a fucking mold on our society, you fucking Jew bastard. You are no longer welcome here at Cameron. I hope one of our students finds you and douses you with kerosene and lights you aflame in front of your wife...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "JEW'RE EN FUEGO!")

So that's the pitch. Like I said, my focus is completely on our kids. If I never win another basketball game again, but kids still turn out great, then I feel like I've done my job. And I think Duke is different in that regard. Don't you?...

Es ist ganz gleich, aus wessen Judenkopf diese Enthüllungen stammen, maßgebend aber ist, daß sie mit geradezu grauenerregender Sicherheit das Wesen und die Tätigkeit des Judenvolkes aufdecken und in ihnen inneren Zusammenhägen sowie dan letzten Schlußzielen darlegen!!!

(slams fist on scoring table)

Die beste Kritik an ihnen jedoch bildet die Wirklichkeit! Wer die geschichtliche Entwicklung der letzten hundert Jahre von den Gesichtspunkten dieses Buches aus überprüft, dem wird auch das Geschrei der jüdischen Presse sofort verständlich werden. Denn wenn dieses Buch erst einmal Gemeingut eines Volkes geworden sein wird, darf die jüdische Gefahr auch schon als gebrochen gelten!!!!

(slams fist on scoring table)

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "DEATH TO THE JEWS!")

Like I said, we're very special.

My name is Matt Walsh. For seven years, I was employed by the New England Patriots as a PR intern, a video assistant and, later, a college scout. I was never a "coach", so to speak. Instead, I was one of the myriad anonymous employees who performed several basic tasks that helped the coaching staff develop and execute their game plans. That primarily included videotaping.

The Patriots, as you may have guessed, employ more of this type of assistant than any other team in the NFL. There were over 500 of us working out of the main branch office in Foxborough. And there were at least 236 video assistants each at the team's satellite offices in Miami, New York, Indianapolis, Buffalo, San Diego, Green Bay, Guadalajara, and, well... you get the picture. This, of course, is why Coach Belichick has said he's never heard of me. He's right. He barely knows any of the team's 40,000-person workforce.

In fact, next to the United States government, the New England Patriots are the second largest employer in the nation, having recently overtaken General Motors. And, in some cases, the Patriots have been contracted by the government to do video surveillance on their behalf. In certain cases, it's hard to know just where the Patriots begin and the National Security Agency ends. It may surprise you to know that only 1 percent of the Patriots' revenue is derived from football-related businesses. The rest is income derived from subcontracting agreements they have with the Pentagon, Beijing and various business conglomerates.

Spying isn't just a tactical advantage for this team. It's their very reason for being. The football is just a convenient, high-profile front. The spying isn't a means to an end. It IS the end. Do you really think the Patriots would launch high-powered optical satellites (satellites with over 100 times the viewing resolution of the Hubble Space Telescope) into orbit just so they can win a lousy football game?

Oh, you are so naïve.

Coach Belichick has long believed that, in order to gain an advantage over opposing players and/or Tiananmen Square street protestors, you must study their entire social orbit. That means spying not just on them, but the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know.

That means YOU.

Oh, we've been watching you, all right. I've got an entire shipping container just for your reels alone. I even have you up on the monitor right now. Here you are:

Look familiar? I bet it does. I know you better than you know yourself. You sit there all day, only leaving the computer to take a shit or get a new Pepsi from the fridge. You haven't had a meal with proper company in over a month. You stay up late at night constantly refreshing this page, hoping against all hope that the "at" symbol followed by your screen name will pop up in someone else's comment, giving you the slightest glimpse of hope that you are not quite so alone in this world.

You keep meaning to get out when it's nice outside but just can't bring yourself to do it. You haven't taken out the garbage or washed a dish in over a year. You have a framed Big Lebowski poster over in the corner that you were too goddamn lazy to actually hang on the wall. You like to get shitfaced by yourself on those big Bud cans. Not the 18 oz, tall boys, but the fucking huge 24 oz. fuckers. While drunk, you like to sing along to old 80's hits. Scandal seems to be your fave. Shootin' at the walls of heartache, BANG BANG!

The calendar of yours up there? Blank.

See? I know you. I know that makes you a bit uncomfortable. You didn't think that Lives Of Others movie could happen here, did you? Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. We wired every inch of that one-bedroom apartment. A rat couldn't move two inches in your crawlspace without clotheslining himself. Your sister let me grope her boobies in the back of a Town Car just so I wouldn't let anyone know you own Four Weddings And A Funeral on DVD. You don't make a single move without me or the Kraft family knowing about it.

So I know what you're wondering. And the answer is yes, I have taped you masturbating. On several occasions. Even today. I may not work for the Pats anymore, but I still get the live feeds on my Dell. Before you even brushed your teeth or put in your contacts this morning, you fired up the laptop and went straight for Asstenderizers.com. You amassed a small pile of leftover take out napkins on your desk along with that small bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care your mom bought you a while back. Then you sat ass naked on your office chair and started going to fucking town while watching a German fisting video.

I notice you have a hard time working the track ball with just your left hand. May I suggest a mouse?

After you were done, you wiped yourself off and then, WITHOUT WASHING YOUR HANDS, ate Honey Smacks right out of the box. I can't tell you how many of my old co-workers over at CentComm were horrified by that. We all thought you would shower after that. But you didn't. Turns out that morning jerk for you is just a warmup of sorts. You decided to cruise the gossip sites, then landed on those pics of Lindsay Lohan ass naked in New York magazine, which then led you straight back to Asstenderizers.com with your dick out.

It seems to be a pattern of sorts for you. You always seem to think you are done masturbating for the day, only to find something that stirs up the echoes all over again. It's really quite fascinating. Or, at least, it would be if you looked like Marisa Miller.

You buy pornography even though it's readily available to you on the Internet. I see you bring home DVD's all the time in black plastic bags. Sometimes, you can't even make it through the DVD menu without blasting your manjelly into a pair of Wigwams.

Now, I don't want you to worry about any of this. Obviously, we have no reason to make this footage public. I'm pretty sure the public isn't exactly screaming out for it. It will only be viewed by Patriots staff, along with Federal employees who have a minimum-level security clearance and some top-level executives at Unilever, who are working on a new maximum strength line of Purell hand sanitizers.

But other than that, no one ever has to know. Even though I was unceremoniously fired by the Patriots, I'm still a big believer in how they do business. And I believe that Bill Belichick is a true visionary, by which I mean he has the technology to see visions of you working the joystick any time he pleases. Does that help him win football games? No, but that hardly matters anymore.

What matters is that we live in a whole new world now, where people have embraced convenient new forms of digital communication at the expense of hijacking their own privacy. Coach Belichick knew the world was going this way and decided to take advantage before anyone else did. He was simply ahead of the curve. Soon, EVERYONE will be taping your private Tug Of Love sessions.

Admit it: it's a bit of a turn-on, isn't it?