•Rodney Harrison answers T.O.'s "you took steroids" with "at least I won a championship." Guys, guys, let's not fight. Can't we all agree that Harrison was on a championship team because he took steroids?

•A judge refused to dismiss the lawsuit against Ben Roethlisberger, probably because, like us, he's enjoying the assorted insane details about the plaintiff that seem to emerge fortnightly.

•The good: the Phillies clinch the NL East, calling on Brad Lidge to finish the ninth. With two outs already on the board. And a seven run lead. Yup, this ship looks seaworthy heading into October.

•The bad: Jamie Moyer is done for the year after suffering three torn tendons. He's still under contract for next year for $8 million, but who could have seen this coming when they gave a 46-year-old a multi-year deal?

•Michael Vick signs an endorsement deal with Nike, shocking the country. Not because of the dog thing, we're over that. We're shocked because Vick has done fuck-all for his team, and looks to maintain that pace. (UPDATE: "Lies!" says Nike.)

•Stafon Johnson is resting after surgery, and even thanked fans for their support on his Twitter. Oh good, who needs intact vocal chords when you've got Twitter?

•Mats Sundin calls it a 20-year-career. Normally this is where I'd throw in a joke, but come on hockey fans, I wrote two posts for you tonight. Two! That should be enough for you this week.

•Front row seat? Check. Glove, even though you're too old for that? Check. Shit-eating grin? Check. Yes, the Happy Youngster caught another HR ball, this time off the bat of Prince Fielder.

•I will make this a meme if it kills me. Keeping the spirit alive, here's an acoustic cover of Colby Rasmus Fire Burning In The Outfield:

And if we didn't know all too well that ballhawking attracts a weird breed of rabidly entrepreneurial, developmentally arrested adults who will trample small children and good manners for something Cliff Floyd just chucked into the stands, it'd be kind of awesome. Oh, hell, I'll say it. It is awesome. There's something sort of sweet about it, too. The ballhawks have themselves a neat community for their peculiar obsession, just like NAMBLA and Catholics

Have a look at that chart, which I think speaks for itself (though I've yet to determine what this "Competition Factor" is). It seems our old friend the Happy Youngster finds himself a distant second, behind one Zack Hample, who is something of a legend in ballhawking quarters. Hample, as you can see, favors a device that I'm guessing is the one described in this New York Times story:

After placing a thick rubber band around his baseball glove, Hample opens the pocket and wedges a Sharpie pen between the webbing and the fingers, creating a makeshift trap. Using a long string, he lowers the glove onto any ball left unattended on the field that is within his reach.

Hample corrals the ball between the webbing and the rubber band, then lifts the glove carefully into his hands.

I'm more impressed with this Erik Jabs fellow, who it says right here has chased down 125 batted balls. Surely that's harder than lowering some MacGyvery contraption onto the field to scoop up the left fielder's leavings, right? The metrics clearly need some work — adjustments for home runs caught on the fly in crowded pitcher-friendly ballparks, say. A predictive statistic would be nice, too, a sort of ballhawk PECOTA. Seriously. This needs to happen. Someone get Nate Silver on the communicator.

H/T reader Zain

Counting Baseballs [MLBlogs]

Now I would never get all Grumpy McOldschool and tell people how they can and can't enjoy their sports ... but these people need to stop. We all know the tale of the Happy Youngster and his hardball negotiating tactics, but he is not alone. There's Zack Hample (who you've also met before), who charges other people $500 to attend games with him and learn his ballhawking secrets. (He has 4,000+ baseballs from 46 different stadiums.) There's Tom Snyder who asked for a jersey and two signed bats in exchange for Carlos Gonzalez's first career home run and when that offer was refused, asked for the totally reasonable sum of $10,000. I don't think that's how negotiation works.

Ballhawking is now its own sport and people are flying around the country, competing with each other to nab more (and more lucrative) home run balls. It's not about catching a souvenir—it's about catching that valuable milestone that you can ransom back to a big leaguer for swag. Teams are now leery of these folks, knowing that whenever one of their players does something meaningful they have to enter into complex negotiations with some punk in the bleachers. The man who caught Ken Griffey's 600th home run sold it at auction for $42,000, but not before asking for "a few things that were out of hand," according to Griffey.

All you need to know about Hample is that he brings a hat and shirt for both the home and away teams to every game, so that he can change clothes to match whichever team happens to be taking practice. Pretending to be a fan so you can get someone to throw you a batting practice ball isn't a hobby, it's a sickness. Plus, there's a lesson to be learned in the fan who gave Adam Dunn his 300th home run ball back for free. Dunn gave him more goodies—a signed jersey, three signed balls and tickets—than anyone.

Fans Play Hardball After Snagging Even Obscure Milestone Home Runs [Wall Street Journal]

The Happy Youngster (real name: Nick Yohanek), you'll recall, was the guy who caught Marlins rookie Chris Coghlan's first home run, then demanded a bounty from the Marlins in return.

Miller Park Drunk came up with this t-shirt. And here's Right Field Bleachers' take:

"The Happy Youngster" makes me sick. This guy is pathetic, greedy and delusional to think his novelty "celebrity" is anything more than a hokey gimmick. Grow up, guy. Give foul and non-milestone homerun balls to kids instead of hoarding them for your stupid collection/obsession that somehow validates you life. Kids grow up imagining hitting a big league homer. This guy was fortunate enough to do it, and you wedged your dorky head and unjustifably inflated ego into his moment to - what? - score a few tickets and a signed bat. Eat shit, geek.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's Tom Haudricourt weighs in:

Maybe he should also detail how he held up Geoff Jenkins for his 200th home run ball a few years by demanding Prince Fielder autographed bats, etc. Nothing like holding balls for the highest ransom, huh? He talks about classy moves in his blog. Would you call that a classy move on his part? Why should Geoff Jenkins have to go and ask Prince Fielder to sign stuff so Jenkins can retrieve a milestone homer? If you were a true Brewers fan, wouldn't you make it easy on a player who was the face of the franchise all those years?

And here are some Milwaukee fans who wandered over to the Miami Herald's Fish Bytes blog:

BrewCityBill: On behalf of all TRUE Brewers fans, I apologize! This guy's a serial a-hole who brings down good name of the hardworking people of Milwaukee. Our mamas raised us better than that. Peace.

Happy_Youngster Sucks_My_Cock: Happy Youngster sucks. I wish he wasn't a Brewers fan. I like how he tries to play it off as I just asked nicely. This guy is a give me, give me, give me, give me type of person. He is only concerned with what he gets out of a deal. ... Don't cut this guy any slack. Hammer him. To me, this guy is more worthless than Steve Bartman

Jay: As a Brewers fan, I hope that guy takes the next ball into the stands off a sensitive area.

Ray: It is one thing to negotiate for items from the player that hit the ball, But to make that player beg a team mate for it is wrong, He did the same thing to Jeff Jenkins wanting a signed bat from Prince. This guy is a tool and he gives all Brewer's fans a bad name.

Drew: Happy Youngster also likes to push other people out of the way to get his cherished HR balls. He should be banned from Miller Park....or at least banned from the bleachers. He gives all us brewer fans a bad name.

And he's not a real cop - he's one of those rent-a-cops you see late night at the mall. Paul Blart has more clout than this guy.

Joe: It'd be one thing if this "misunderstanding" was a one time thing. He's been known to do the same thing to Brewer players.

As a Brewer fan, I apologize to Coghlan for the crap he had to deal with.

Lloyd in Green Bay: Don't think all us Brewers fan are like Happy Youngster. Most of us are longsuffering diehards and also very nice and respectful people. Sorry one of our so called "fans" is a selfish greedy idiot

Cooper: That guy is a jerk. I say this as a Brewers fan. I am ashamed he is also a fan of the Brewers. Please don't judge all Brewers fans by this dolt. ... I have other names for the guy, but I am not sure how much language is allowed here.

So who created this monster, you might wonder? Well, none other than our pottymouthed friend Matt Vasgersian! On his web site, the Happy Youngster recounts the day in 1999 he caught two balls in the same game:

As the celebration in the left field bleachers ensued, Brewers TV announcer and former big league catcher Bill "Rock" Schroeder stated to all of Wisconsin and beyond, "There's a ball for a happy youngster."

An identity was born.

After the 1999 season, I spoke with Bill Schroeder's broadcasting partner Matt Vasgersian (the best in the business...boy, do I miss him). I revisited that Saturday evening game of '99 and he remembered the call. He even remembered who hit the home runs (bizarre!?) He suggested I start wearing a bright yellow shirt with "Happy Youngster" emblazoned on the front. He gave me his e-mail address and told me to let him know when I'd be at the park the following season so they could give me a quick plug on TV.

The identity had laid dormant until Tuesday, May 16th, 2000. That's the game the yellow shirt made its debut. I e-mailed Vasgersian as he instructed. I told him I'd be in the front row of the left field bleachers with my new uniform...well, a bright yellow shirt.

Yohanek credits Vasgersian with making "the nickname household during the 2000 season," though of course most of those households fall somewhere in the vicinity of the Menomonee River Valley. Below, watch a video of the Happy Youngster in younger, happier days (look for the cameo by Vasgersian, in which he somehow manages to not say anything offensive):

The Happy Youngster is a douchebag who makes us all look bad [Miller Park Drunk]
In the News [Right Field Bleachers]
Fan Drives Hard Bargain for Coghlan's First Home Run Ball [Fish Bytes]

Unfortunately for Coghlan, his milestone ball was nabbed by Nick Yohanek, a.k.a. The Happy Youngster, a well-known Milwaukee Brewers fan who claims to have caught over 775 balls in his career. When Marlins' officials tried to get this particular ball back from him, they quickly realized they were dealing with a pro.

Yohanek has an extraordinarily detailed account of the whole thing on his website (did you know that every MLB team is supposed to have TWO authenticators on hand at each game? Nick does!). Suffice it to say, it doesn't appear that he's a stranger to bartering for the baseballs he's caught. Nick spoke to EIGHT Marlins' officials (including, for some reason, the team's psychologist), and even had his demands written out for posterity's sake (a Chris Coghlan game bat and signed ball, and a Hanley Ramirez game bat). Finally, Coghlan himself came out to speak with Yohanek. There are two different perspectives on what happened next. Here's Coghlan's:

Coghlan said he gave the fan a signed bat and took a photo with him after Wednesday's game. As Coghlan discovered, that only seemed like a starting point for further negotiations.

"Then he wanted other things that I didn't think (were) fair," Coghlan said.

Coghlan said the fan also asked for tickets to one of the Marlins' upcoming games against the Yankees, along with a ball and signed bat from Coghlan's more famous Marlins teammate, Hanley Ramirez.

"I was trying to be as nice and respectful as I could," Coghlan said. "But I told him he could only get one."

Here's Yohanek's:

Yohanek said his negotiations for the ball began with several members of the Marlins' staff — and after his request for a Ramirez bat was turned down, he requested tickets not for the Yankees series, but for a Brewers-Marlins series at Florida in June.

"I had wanted to attend this series anyway," Yohanek said. "Considering (Marlins) attendance is barely over 15,000 nightly, I didn't feel like this was too much to ask."

At the end of the ordeal, Yohanek gave Coghlan his ball in exchange for a signed bat, a photo with Coghlan, and tickets to that Marlins-Brewers series. Nick defended his hardline stance as follows:

...some people choose to sell drugs to kids. Some people choose to abuse drugs, themselves. Some people choose to get all liquored up and drive their vehicles. Some people choose to be abusive to their wives and kids. Some people choose to rob, steal and cheat. Some people take the lives of others.

Some people choose to snag baseballs at the ballpark.

For Coghlan's part, he found the experience less than pleasant:

"He wasn't the most polite or respectful guy about the whole process," Coghlan said Thursday. "He told me he goes around a lot and catches these balls and holds them for ransom — even though he doesn't say that he does, it seems that way."

So was Yohanek asking too much? Too little? Who's right? Who's wrong? Can't we all just get along?

Let the debate rage on in the comments.

Marlins rookie blasts fan for holding 1st-homer ball 'ransom' [The Detroit News]
5/13/09 @ Miller Park [The Happy Youngster]