That's what Anthony Avalos did. Perhaps watching the Yuma, Ariz., boys basketball team play, he thought to himself, "I could beat these kids." And, at 22 years old, he probably could. So he printed out a phony birth certificate and registered as a junior. Never mind the fact that he already graduated high school in 2005.

We had no suspicion at all," says Richard Faidley, associate superintendent for YUHSD. "You could walk across our campus and see a lot of kids with his age appearance."

Also fooled: his 17-year old girlfriend. So when the school figured something was up after noticing misspellings on his "birth certificate," Avalos was charged with forgery and sexual conduct with a minor. Which, honestly, can only help his street cred as he hopes for an NCAA scholarship next fall.

Student Imposter Hoped For Scholarship [KPHO]

Kyle Dennis, a math teacher and boys basketball coach in Boise, is in trouble for giving us one of the best police reports in recent memory:

Dennis "knowingly engaged in obscene conduct...by manipulating his penis with his hands while walking around a Costco store with an erection."

Despite that "knowingly," I might be willing to cut him a little slack here. Who among us can see the amazing deals on bulk pricing and not get at least semi-chubby? Oh wait, there's a pattern.

The documents go on to say that Dennis performed the same behavior at the Costco on 2051 S. Cole Road as well as the Walmart on Overland in June.

Walmart? You pervert.

Coach Charged With Obscene Conduct At Costco [KBCI]

O'Bannon—the number one sales person among all former New Jersey Nets at Findlay Toyota in Henderson, Nevada—is the new boys basketball coach at Henderson International School. Henderson is the same school that the players from Findlay College Prep's boys basketball team attend, because Findlay Prep is not an actual school. Findlay Prep was founded by Cliff Findlay who also owns Findlay Toyota. It's the circle of life for amateur athletics boosters doing favors for former athletes.

Henderson has its own team, but they share a gym with Findlay's "national championship" team that only exists to send blue chippers to top flight programs. I wonder if O'Bannon feels better or worse than he did playing for Jim Harrick.

UCLA great to coach local high school basketball team [Las Vegas Sun]
Previously: Would You Like To Buy A Car From Ed O'Bannon?
High School Basketball Without The High Schools

The Sun-Times is now reporting that four student-athletes at Simeon High School in Chicago, including Rose, had grades changed on their high school transcripts after graduation. The grades were changed for a brief period before the transcripts were mailed to prospective colleges, and then changed back once they were sent. No one knows who changed the grade or why, and it would not have affected their high school eligibility, although Rose and two of the other athletes that were allegedly involved starred on Simeon's back-to-back state championship teams.

The idea that a guy who spent one year in college before jumping to the NBA might have needed (and received) a whole lot of under-the-table help to get into college must surely be shocking and appalling to you, but Rose is already in the NBA so your righteous anger will need to be funneled somewhere else. How about the spelling bee?

Derrick Rose's high school grade altered [Chicago Sun-Times]

The Findlay in Findlay Prep is Cliff Findlay, a UNLV booster who set up a basketball program all by himself. The players live in a house that he paid for and fully stocked with furniture, big screen TVs, food—for when they aren't eating out on the Vegas strip—and Nike clothing. (As assistant coach lives there as their babysitter.) He also pays for all their equipment and travel costs when they go to away games, and he pays (with other "investors") for the $16,000-a-year tuition at the nearby Henderson International School. They do go to school, just not one that has a basketball team. (But they do have a website and a documentary in the making!)

In other words, they get a better deal than most college basketball players, but the team itself is completely independent of any high school federation or its bylines. And it's all perfectly cool with the NCAA.

So this is pretty much what high school basketball is headed toward. Most high school teams—particularly public schools—would never be allowed to play in tourneys like the NHSI, because playing in "national" championships (or any out of state game) is not allowed. But a player can be recruited to independent programs like Findlay, get national TV exposure, lots of free crap, and none of the restrictions of playing for a stupid high school—but I'm sure they're hitting the books hard. Oh, and if a few of the players end up at Findlay's alma mater, UNLV, that's just a happy coincidence.

The best example of what these programs can do for someone is the tale of junior Tristan Thompson. Thompson—who is actually from Toronto—was playing for Bobby Hurley's other son, Dan, at St. Benedict's Prep in Newark earlier this season. He got into argument with his coach during a game and was kicked off the team on a Tuesday in February. By the following Saturday, he was already on the roster at Findaly Prep. Yes, it's that awesome.

"We stress discipline in the house, in the classroom and on the court," says [Assistant Coach Todd] Simon. "We don't claim to be like the public school down the street. But we're not a fly-by-night school that's just putting kids on the court without regard for their education. Every kid who's finished here has been academically eligible to play in college. If there could be 50 more programs like ours, I think the system would be so much better off."

I'm sure it would be. What system are we talking about again?

March Madness Comes To High School Hoops Is That A Good Thing? [Sports Illustrated]
The Season [Picture via]
Findlay Prep Basketball

In typical Jordan fashion, Marcus scored a game-high 19, and sealed the 69-66 championship victory for Chicago's Whitney High by going 4-of-4 from the line in the last three minutes. As an aside, it has to be pretty surreal to wear a headband with your dad's likeness on it. This is a feeling that only children of Michael Jordan...and possibly Hulk Hogan...will ever know.

Jordan's other son, Jeffrey, is a sophomore guard at the University of Illinois. His team was bounced from the NCAA tournament earlier this week by twelfth-seeded Western Kentucky. Guess which son rode home in the back seat?

Jordan's son wins state championship [Rivals High]

Just before North Lawndale's Friday semifinal game against Champaign Centennial, an Illinois High School Association administrator noticed that North Lawndale's uniform was, well, not uniform:

The uniform violation broke a National Federation of State High School Associations rule that states the torso of the jersey - the area from an imaginary horizontal line at the base of the neckline extending to each armhole, down to the bottom hem and from side seam to side seam - must be a single solid color. Also, the side inserts (stripes) must be centered vertically below the armpit, and those stripes can't be more than 4 inches wide.

Sure, whatever you say. Basically, the stripes on the jersey can't wrap around the front or back of the jersey. As you can clearly see in the picture of the young man to your left, North Lawndale's stripe has chosen to wrap itself around the front of the jersey. The end result is that North Lawndale was assessed a technical foul at the beginning of the game and then, of course, lost by one. Thing is, North Lawndale had worn the jerseys all season and claimed they knew nothing about no "uniform violation". The IHSA, however, calls shenanigans:

Kurt Gibson, the IHSA's assistant executive director in charge of boys basketball, said he had warned the team of the violation several times over the last two years, including at the team's shootaround Thursday at Carver Arena.

Sounds like North Lawndale should've just scored 2 more points if they thought this was going to be a problem.

North Lawndale penalized for illegal uniforms [Chicago Tribune]

The game was a regional final between Wisconsin Dells and River Valley, and with scored tied at 56, Dells senior Jade Royston heaved a desperate half court prayer just moments after he missed two free throws (he's an 80% shooter) that could have put the game away. His team had already blown a 10-point fourth quarter lead, had one player injured, another fouled out and no time outs left. But other than that, everything turned out okay.

"It was the longest 1 second of my life," he said.

The ball banked off the glass cleanly and swirled briefly around the rim on its way through the net. Game over, as signaled by the eruption of the crowd and the flood of the Dells students onto the floor.

"The crowd was loudest I've ever heard in my life," Royston recalled. "The video doesn't do the sound justice. I was screaming as loud as I could and I couldn't hear myself. I tried to stay on feet as long as I could. People were crowding around, and I fell to the ground and they piled on top of me. I was so excited I don't think I felt any pain ....

"The whole town, everybody knows who I am," the 6-foot senior guard and UW-Oshkosh recruit said Monday evening via cell phone, his voice tinged with amazement. "People I've never met before are coming up to me and saying, "Great shot, great shot.' Some people carry on 10-minute conversations with me and I never even get their name.

Yeah, he's almost as popular as the water slides.

Half-court shot wins regional for Dells, instant celebrity for Royston [Capital Times]

The Harlem High boys team was warming up for their Northern B divisional game with Shelby when one of the Harlem players attempted a dunk. The result is as you see it here — Boom goes the dynamite! The problem is that an obscure rule in the state handbook states that any pregame warmup glass-shattering dunkage will result in that player's team forfeiting the game.

This has caused a great controversy in the state on Montana, as you can see in the comments. Questions abound. Why are dunks allowed during games, but not during warmups? Should an entire team lose its season because one player decided to rattle the rim? Was the backboard defective, and should it have been inspected before the game?

There's a Harlem in Montana? Yes, there is.

Well at least this prevented any negative cheering by the fans.

Backboard, Harlem's Title Hopes Shattered [Great Falls Tribune]

I even thought of installing it once with one of my high school teams — Tom Brady might have been the designated barker, can't recall — but never had the heart to do it. It's just too stupid. But it's also effective, as Grace Lutheran Middle School of Jacksonville, Fla.,demonstrates here against an unknown opponent this past December.

As you see here, on an inbounds play beneath the basket, you send one player toward the baseline, where he gets on all fours and barks like a dog. Thus distracted, the opposing team doesn't notice your 5 guy cutting to the hoop where he receives the pass for an easy layin. Here's another example, this one which actually won a high school game (the pink uniforms only make it better).

Still confused? Let's draw it up on the chalkboard with Coach Kige Ramsey.

Now Hop On One Foot [Deuce Of Davenport]

Last Friday night, his team—Southwood High in Wabash, Indiana—was trailing cross-town rival Northfield by nine points with 46.1 seconds to play. That's when Spencer decided to go to work. He drained two straight threes, stole a loose ball to set up a third trey, stole away another on the ensuing possession, then went the length of the court with 5.1 seconds left to hit the game-winning shot at the buzzer. I'd say that was a pretty good night.

(I guess he's also the quarterback of the football team and has thrown at least two career touchdown passes, so that's nice too. News can take awhile to bubble up from Wabash.)

If only Spike Lee had been courtside he could have rubbed it that guy's smug little directing face.

Knights stun NF at buzzer [Wabash Plain Dealer]
Southwood vs Northfield 2/20/2009 [YouTube]

A double forfeit, which is really no surprise, because this was a huge mess. Both teams were put on restrictive probation, which means that they can only play in the regular season. So Talladega High will advance to the AHSAA Class 5A Final 4 next week in Birimingham, and will draw a bye for its first game due to Carver-Montgomery being kicked out.

But this is only the beginning, evidently.

"The probationary period is on-going at this time," AHSAA Executive Director Steve Savarese said. "We will not reach a conclusion on the probationary period until all the facts are in. But they will be on probation for a while."

No ejections, fines or suspensions were discussed. The punishment is only for boys basketball programs at each school. "There will be additional assessments," Savarese said. "But right now we had to deal with the immediate."

Yeah, it's going to take a while for officials, and police, probably, to sift through this video. Somehow I get the feeling that the many combatants chose not do as the signs suggested and "think pink."

There were 11 students detained by police following the brawl, which occurred at Alabama State's Acadome, and all have been arrested. Charges filed by Alabama State include "assault, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, failure to disperse and inciting a riot."

At the time the fight erupted, Carver-Montgomery held a 52-37 lead with 6:23 left in the game.

Of course all of this will be recounted in a Randy Newman song sometime in the near future.

AHSAA Rules Carver-Montgomery And Valley Are Out Of State Tournament; Talladega In Final Four [Alabama Live]
Carver, Valley Placed On Restrictive Probation [AHSAA]

The Hiawatha High School boys basketball team lost to host Indian Creek on Jan. 30, so the Hiawatha players evidently decided to strike back the only way they knew how. Urine and popcorn, everywhere. Just like my Super Bowl party.

The carnage was photographed and presented to Hiawatha school officials, who then asked the offending Hiawatha players to step forward. Only one of them did so. But officials determined that the amount of urine "was too much for just one person," and thus decided to cancel the remainder of Hiawatha's season. And there is no joy on the shores of Lake Gitchigoomie tonight.

"They said there was too much urine to be one person," said Webster, whose son is a senior on the varsity team. "They apparently, in the investigation, decided there was more than one person. I don't know how you can determine what it was after it had dried."

Webster said that the administration demanded that all of the members of both the varsity and freshman/sophomore teams write letters of apology to Indian Creek.

I would think that a Hallmark Sorry I Pissed On Your Wrestling Mats card would suffice, and in fact, I may have some old ones on file. I'll check. Anyway, Hiawatha players and parents are fighting back, trying to salvage the season. We'll let you know how that goes.

Bathroom Incident Ends Hawks' Season [DeKalb Daily Chronicle]

What started as a hard foul with 6:23 remaining in the 4th quarter during the 5A Boys State Basketball Playoffs, turned into a free-swinging donnybrook under the basket, which eventually emptied both benches and made its way into the stands. For close to two minutes it seemed like everyone inside the Alabama State University Acadome landed a punch.

At Al.com's "Sentelligence" blog, many of the commenters are offering their own theories as to how something like this could happen. One person in particular is really surprised considering, you know, Obama is our president now:

I didn't vote for Obama, but once he was elected I was really hoping that having a black man as president would change this type of behavior. Looks like they still respect Snoop Dawg more than Barack!

Oh, Alabama.

And the biggest fight here seems to be between the guy in the green shirt and his own pants, which continually fall around his ankles. At the time, Carver-Montgomery was leading Valley 52-37 when play was stopped. But Alabama State High School Officials are reviewing all the footage/carnage before they declare a winner.

Big brawl erupts at basketball game at ASU Acadome [USA Today]
High Schools face disciplinary action after melee [Montgomery Advertiser]
Brawl erupts during Carver-Montgomery vs. Valley game; fight spills over into stands [Sentelligence]

PHOTO: Montgomery Advertiser

Johntell Franklin of Milwaukee Madison High School showed up late to his high school basketball game on Saturday night, but he did have a good excuse—his mother had died that day from cancer. The team thought about canceling the game, but Franklin told them to go ahead without him. Then he surprised everyone by showing up in the second quarter and asking to suit up. Unfortunately, his name was not in the scorebook so that meant a technical foul and two free throws for the other team ... and Madison ended up losing the game by two points!

Ha, not really. The team missed the free throws intentionally:

Womack gathered Madison's players around his bench, on the other end of the court, and was trying to reel in their emotions when he saw something odd out of the corner of his eye: Instead of swishing through the basket, the ball rolled slowly across the end line....

"Darius set up for a regular free throw, but he only shot it two or three feet in front of him," Rohlman said. "It bounced once or twice and just rolled past the basket."

"I did it for the guy who lost his mom," McNeal said. "It was the right thing to do."

Then the two teams went out afterward and ate pizza together. (That part is true, actually.) These kids today and their crazy sportsmanship!

Out of tragedy, sportsmanship has a shining moment [Journal Sentinel]