10 Ways to Handle Your Wild, Crazy Family This Holiday Season

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Unfortunately for many of us, all of those deep fried turkey faces and iced gravy drums come at a price: having to spend time around that mangy group of creatures you call a family. But don’t fear, you shivering, nude snowflake: we’ve got you covered. Just follow our… »11/25/15 12:15pm11/25/15 12:15pm


Five Liquors For Your Friend Who's A Lush But Not A Concerning Lush (Yet)

Booze is good. Booze-snob culture is ... less good. Don’t let that put you off buying booze for yourself and people you like and, hell, people you don’t like this holiday season! Here are some of our recommendations, none of which will put you much out of pocket and none of which will shame you if your asshole… »11/23/15 12:20pm11/23/15 12:20pm

How To Survive A Long Car Trip With Your Kids

It’s that time of year. Time to visit those weird, faraway relatives in weird, faraway places, where the Target and the Costco and the Whole Foods are all switched around. It’s time to roll down hundreds of miles of dear old Ike’s eight-lane American dream, leaving one suburban hellscape for another. It’s time for the… »11/20/15 11:43am11/20/15 11:43am

The Best Stores to Buy Any Type of Halloween Candy

I’ve never really lived in a neighborhood that drew a lot of Trick-or-Treaters, but that doesn’t keep me from buying Halloween candy. Obviously, this is a task I take very seriously because, even if zero children visit my house, I want to get the as much delicious, seasonal sugar as I can for my money. »10/16/15 11:50am10/16/15 11:50am

You Don't Have Daddy Issues But Your Piece of Shit Father Might

Until recently, I’d never been on the website AskMen.com, I suppose largely because I never had the occasion to ask a man anything. The site’s tagline touts that it is a place where men can become better men, though on my first visit I’m already suspicious that any of my questions will be answered or that I will… »6/21/15 1:20pm6/21/15 1:20pm

They're Gonna Crucify Me: A Heathen's Guide To Easter

Life gets more complicated and demanding as you become an adult. Children are not expected to know much of anything—or to understand the meaning and significance of stuff, or to buy their own beer—so long as they interact with the world sweetly and cutely, and from time to time throw in an unprompted I wuv you… »4/03/15 12:55pm4/03/15 12:55pm

How To Deal With Valentine's Day, No Matter Who You Are

This year, Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday (FYI: It's tomorrow), making it awfully convenient for those of you planning a romantic weekend getaway and a three-day headache for the rest of us. Let's face it: This holiday isn't the greatest no matter your relationship status. (The media/retail onslaught of… »2/13/15 3:52pm2/13/15 3:52pm

How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake

In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble nothing so much as… »12/20/14 1:51pm12/20/14 1:51pm

The Drunkspin 2014 Holiday Gift Guide

Are you wondering what to get the beloved boozebags in your life? I bet you're not, right? You're just going to give them all bottles of randomly selected $30 brown liquor, or maybe those stupid little chocolates stuffed with a quarter-squirt of skanky schnapps, or the first gin-and-martini-glasses boxed set you see… »12/19/14 1:40pm12/19/14 1:40pm

Holiday Gift Guide: Art Books For All Sorts Of People

I come from a bookish family. We didn't just read books, we owned them. It was no small thing, having your own collection. This was my father's side of the family, Manhattanites with overflowing bookcases and the seeming inability to throw anything away. When it came time for a birthday or the holidays, my family… »12/15/14 4:25pm12/15/14 4:25pm

A Holiday Gift Guide For Dads, Who Just Want You To Shut Up

As a dad, I can tell you that what your dad really wants is just a little goddamn peace and quiet so he can read a goddamn book/watch the game/just, like, sit for five minutes without you and your sister doing whatever the hell it is you're doing that's probably going to kill at least one and maybe both of you, for… »12/04/14 3:17pm12/04/14 3:17pm

As a Man Ages, He Learns That All He Needs for the Holidays Is Family

My mommy is visiting for the holidays. I'm not so good remembering numbers so I always have to do a little math to figure her age. On my birth certificate it says she was 24 when I was born, in Charlottesville, Virginia, having been delivered by my father's professor of obstetrics—at the apple-polishing time of 5:36… »12/10/13 2:49pm12/10/13 2:49pm