You Don't Have Daddy Issues But Your Piece of Shit Father Might

Until recently, I’d never been on the website AskMen.com, I suppose largely because I never had the occasion to ask a man anything. The site’s tagline touts that it is a place where men can become better men, though on my first visit I’m already suspicious that any of my questions will be answered or that I will… » 6/21/15 1:20pm 6/21/15 1:20pm

Don't Screw Up Mother's Day

Moms are essential. Without them, we’d all be just masses of genetic material floating around. They’ve put up with plenty of your crap (in multiple senses), and this Sunday—which is Mother’s Day, in case you were not aware—is as good an opportunity as any to show the various mothers in your life how much you love… » 5/08/15 2:32pm 5/08/15 2:32pm

They're Gonna Crucify Me: A Heathen's Guide To Easter

Life gets more complicated and demanding as you become an adult. Children are not expected to know much of anything—or to understand the meaning and significance of stuff, or to buy their own beer—so long as they interact with the world sweetly and cutely, and from time to time throw in an unprompted I wuv you… » 4/03/15 12:55pm 4/03/15 12:55pm

How To Deal With Valentine's Day, No Matter Who You Are

This year, Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday (FYI: It's tomorrow), making it awfully convenient for those of you planning a romantic weekend getaway and a three-day headache for the rest of us. Let's face it: This holiday isn't the greatest no matter your relationship status. (The media/retail onslaught of… » 2/13/15 3:52pm 2/13/15 3:52pm

How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake

In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble nothing so much as… » 12/20/14 1:51pm 12/20/14 1:51pm

The Drunkspin 2014 Holiday Gift Guide

Are you wondering what to get the beloved boozebags in your life? I bet you're not, right? You're just going to give them all bottles of randomly selected $30 brown liquor, or maybe those stupid little chocolates stuffed with a quarter-squirt of skanky schnapps, or the first gin-and-martini-glasses boxed set you see… » 12/19/14 1:40pm 12/19/14 1:40pm

Holiday Gift Guide: Art Books For All Sorts Of People

I come from a bookish family. We didn't just read books, we owned them. It was no small thing, having your own collection. This was my father's side of the family, Manhattanites with overflowing bookcases and the seeming inability to throw anything away. When it came time for a birthday or the holidays, my family… » 12/15/14 4:25pm 12/15/14 4:25pm

A Holiday Gift Guide For Dads, Who Just Want You To Shut Up

As a dad, I can tell you that what your dad really wants is just a little goddamn peace and quiet so he can read a goddamn book/watch the game/just, like, sit for five minutes without you and your sister doing whatever the hell it is you're doing that's probably going to kill at least one and maybe both of you, for… » 12/04/14 3:17pm 12/04/14 3:17pm

As a Man Ages, He Learns That All He Needs for the Holidays Is Family

My mommy is visiting for the holidays. I'm not so good remembering numbers so I always have to do a little math to figure her age. On my birth certificate it says she was 24 when I was born, in Charlottesville, Virginia, having been delivered by my father's professor of obstetrics—at the apple-polishing time of 5:36… » 12/10/13 2:49pm 12/10/13 2:49pm

Taste Test: Three Weird Santa Candies That Want To Murder You

Our cultural affinity for eating crumbly effigies of supernatural holiday icons (the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Jesus Christ) only seems weird and slightly unsavory until you consider that we're trying to absorb their mystical powers into ourselves, and then it makes perfect sense. Who wouldn't want to fly around in a… » 12/08/12 1:00pm 12/08/12 1:00pm