How To Deal With Valentine's Day, No Matter Who You Are

This year, Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday (FYI: It's tomorrow), making it awfully convenient for those of you planning a romantic weekend getaway and a three-day headache for the rest of us. Let's face it: This holiday isn't the greatest no matter your relationship status. (The media/retail onslaught of… » 2/13/15 3:52pm 2/13/15 3:52pm

How To Dump A Friend

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're talking Jayson Williams, Kanye, holiday sex, and more. » 2/10/15 4:32pm 2/10/15 4:32pm

How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake

In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble nothing so much as… » 12/20/14 1:51pm 12/20/14 1:51pm

The Drunkspin 2014 Holiday Gift Guide

Are you wondering what to get the beloved boozebags in your life? I bet you're not, right? You're just going to give them all bottles of randomly selected $30 brown liquor, or maybe those stupid little chocolates stuffed with a quarter-squirt of skanky schnapps, or the first gin-and-martini-glasses boxed set you see… » 12/19/14 1:40pm 12/19/14 1:40pm

Holiday Gift Guide: Art Books For All Sorts Of People

I come from a bookish family. We didn't just read books, we owned them. It was no small thing, having your own collection. This was my father's side of the family, Manhattanites with overflowing bookcases and the seeming inability to throw anything away. When it came time for a birthday or the holidays, my family… » 12/15/14 4:25pm 12/15/14 4:25pm

A Holiday Gift Guide For Dads, Who Just Want You To Shut Up

As a dad, I can tell you that what your dad really wants is just a little goddamn peace and quiet so he can read a goddamn book/watch the game/just, like, sit for five minutes without you and your sister doing whatever the hell it is you're doing that's probably going to kill at least one and maybe both of you, for… » 12/04/14 3:17pm 12/04/14 3:17pm

The Adult's Guide to Finding Drugs When You're Home for the Holidays

If you're old and no longer in touch with your high school buddies, there's one obvious problem with coming home for the holidays: You don't know where to buy drugs anymore. Fear not. We can get through this, together. » 11/25/14 11:19am 11/25/14 11:19am

RG3 Gave The Redskins' Offensive Line Xbox Ones for Christmas

Without anything else to hand off for the rest of the season, benched Washington Redskins franchise quarterback Robert Griffin III rolled up to Redskins park earlier this week with a sedan full of Xbox One consoles for the offensive line that let him get sacked 38 times this year. » 12/26/13 3:12pm 12/26/13 3:12pm

The Last Thing You'll Ever Eat

Turducken? Turducken is nothing. Behold Cthulken. Or Craturktopus. Perhaps Turkrakon. Whatever you call this dark combination of turkey, crab legs, bacon and Elder God, it is the one true Last Supper. » 12/16/13 4:54pm 12/16/13 4:54pm

As a Man Ages, He Learns That All He Needs for the Holidays Is Family

My mommy is visiting for the holidays. I'm not so good remembering numbers so I always have to do a little math to figure her age. On my birth certificate it says she was 24 when I was born, in Charlottesville, Virginia, having been delivered by my father's professor of obstetrics—at the apple-polishing time of 5:36… » 12/10/13 2:49pm 12/10/13 2:49pm

White Christmas Lights Suck. ​Multicolored Lights Are Better.

Every December, homes across America are riven by discord. Spouses square off. Children rise against their parents. Roommates glare at each other across the living room. Even the staff of Jezebel is divided. » 12/05/13 2:24pm 12/05/13 2:24pm

The Best Turkey Frying Disasters on the Internet

It's Thanksgiving — which means it's time to be thankful for morons who attempt to fry their own turkeys. Here it is: The very best of the biggest Turkey Fryer Fails we found on the internet. Be safe! » 11/28/13 1:56pm 11/28/13 1:56pm

Taste Test: Three Weird Santa Candies That Want To Murder You

Our cultural affinity for eating crumbly effigies of supernatural holiday icons (the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Jesus Christ) only seems weird and slightly unsavory until you consider that we're trying to absorb their mystical powers into ourselves, and then it makes perfect sense. Who wouldn't want to fly around in a… » 12/08/12 1:00pm 12/08/12 1:00pm

21-Year-Old Woman's Endless Christmas Wish List Will Make You Want To…

We reiterate that this person is not a child. She is 21, legally an adult, presumably with or on the verge of full financial independence. Each year the Massachusetts woman creates a wish list, filled with every conceivable thing she might want, and sends it out to her entire family. » 11/14/12 3:25pm 11/14/12 3:25pm

Gifts For People Who Like Bacon

Sometimes, humans get a primal craving in the caveman center of their brains that nothing else can satisfy. We'll help you out with this gift guide that doubles as a friend test: if somebody doesn't appreciate one of the delicious or useful bacon-related products, this is probably not someone you need in your life. On… » 12/13/11 5:30pm 12/13/11 5:30pm

Gifts For People Who Drink

You and your friends have decided to exchange gifts for the holidays. And you're stumped: It's not like you're going to get one of your boys clothing or jewelry, and it's not like any of you would suggest something on the order of a "stocking stuffer," since your girlfriend can worry about that. » 12/09/11 5:35pm 12/09/11 5:35pm