Coach of the year? Not quite. Ashton Kutcher has been having a ball as assistant coach to North Hollywood's Harvard-Westlake School freshman footballers. But the feeling isn’t mutual.

"The kids want him gone," says an insider. "They think he doesn't know what he's talking about and can't stand his tough-guy attitude."

Out of the huddle, the kids mock their famous coach and have even given him a special nickname: Ashton Doucher!

Chlorophyll? More like BORE-O-FILL! That's the best you can do, freshmen!? Kids are so uncreative these days. But I guess "That Guy Whose Career Fell Into Demi Moore's Botoxed Pussy" doesn't quite roll off the tongue so well.

Returning to the 'Field of Dreams' location to play a concert ... has special meaning for me," Costner said in a news release. "The movie was significant in my career, and the band is an important part of my future."

Well, there's a quote with a lot of soul to it. Not that we don't mean to support Costner's "career," but we think it's helplessly cute that Costner's "band" — which doesn't have a name — is such a big part of his "future." Oh, and sorry: We love our dad and have even enjoyed a "catch" with him. But anyone who thinks Field Of Dreams is better than Bull Durham needs his/her head examined, if you ask us.

Costner To Return To Field Of Dreams [Philly.com]

Anyway, Bradshaw was on the Don Imus radio show this morning, and he started discussing his "close friendship with Kathy Bates," who also stars in the film. We'll break down the conversation as such.

Bradshaw: "I've got makeout scenes with Kathy. She and I do love scenes."
(palpable pause)
Imus: "You sound out of breath. You're not masturbating, are you?"

Excuse us, we're going to go kill ourselves.

Terry Bradshaw TMI On Imus [To The People]
Failure To Launch [IMDB]

Wait. How about: Jose Canseco shows up at a movie theater after being rejected from the Victoria's Secret fashion show the night before. Wait. Crap. This photo is making it impossible for us to improve on it with a joke. We mean ... would you look at that picture?

Jose Cansefug [Go Fug Yourself]
Jose Canseco: Master Thespian [Deadspin]
Screening The Man For Hurricane Victims [Defamer]

But here's the best part:

[Canseco is] making the rounds of film studios, TV networks and production companies, complete with a demo tape that features the 6-foot-4 former slugger, a black belt in martial arts, deftly twirling a numchuck as a sultry woman in a nightgown lounges nearby. Another scene, shot with Canseco's 8-year-old daughter, Josie, is designed to showcase his more sensitive side.

We don't ask much here at Deadspin. But please, please, please can someone send us that tape? It deserves to be shared with the world.

Taking Some Mighty Swings [LA Times]
Oliver Stone And Jose Canseco In The Same Room. Yep [Deadspin]

Invincible [IMDB]
Vince Papale [Pro Football Reference] (via Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer)

Which brings up an interesting question: Will Comedy Central be more successful at sports than ESPN has been at comedy? You'd think they'd have to be, right?

Only Has To Be Funny [JS Online] (last item)

Anyway, he's a little flashier than we thought: His new girlfriend is Fox Sports correspondent and former Playmate Lisa Dergan. We're not into gossip all that much — no! — but let's just say we doubt Dergan was banging down Podsednik's door four years ago, when he was batting .249 for the Texas League's Tulsa Drillers. It's good to be in the major leagues.

Lisa Dergan [Official Site]

Kutcher is back in the game, according to the Philadelphia Daily News, "punking" Terrell Owens and Allen Iverson. Owens' segment, according to the story, "involves him being a Good Samaritan in an accident that turns ugly when a personal injury attorney shows up." Iverson's seems more fun: He keeps not being allowed by bouncers into his own party while people like Todd Bridges keep getting let in. And at least neither one of them were a little girl like A-Rod was.

Ashton Punks A.I., T.O. [Philly.com]

That's right: Jessica Simpson's personal butt-boy, a Cincinnati native, penned a sports column for the Cincinnati Enquirer on Monday. How is it? Well, the story starts "As I stand in the recording studio in Los Angeles trying to finish my next album ..." Classy.

Apparently, Lachey, while hiding from Simpson's papers-in-hand divorce lawyer, has been keeping an eye on his hometown teams, and he's pissed, or as pissed as anyone in a boy band can really be. He's mostly furious about how Cincinnati Bearcats coach Bob Huggins and Reds closer Danny Graves have been treated by their respective organizations. And apparently he's as cuckolded talking about sports as he is everything else.

I find myself questioning some of those loyalties because of the recent developments involving the Reds and Bearcats. I've tried to complain to Jessica about it, but she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about, so I've written this to assuage my frustration.

Nick Lachey: A Fan's Outrage [Cincinnati Enquirer]

and ...

Evander Holyfield.

Who says boxers lose their dignity when they get old?

Dancing With The Stars [ABC.com]

[By the way, the guy in that photo with Evander is "Retro Bill, The Official DARE Safety Buddy." If that guy can't stop kids from taking drugs, no one can.]

Actor Kevin Pollak came by Busch Stadium on Monday to meet La Russa - through a mutual friend - and discuss a little business. Pollak, through his production company Calm Down Productions, Inc., is interested in turning the book, "3 Nights in August," into a movie. Pollak, who has appeared in movies such as "A Few Good Men," said Buzz Bissinger's book on a three-game series in 2003 against the Cubs through the eyes of La Russa is already structured as a natural, three-act narrative.

We suspect Pollack would love to play LaRussa, but we always thought Paul Sorvino was a better fit. Just put some sunglasses on him.

Movie Maker Eyes "Three Nights" [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

When Seacrest told Solomon on last Wednesday's show that she was voted out, she seemed almost relieved it was over, like Peyton Manning after another butt-kicking from the New England Patriots. ... This was the equivalent of the 35-foot 3-pointer with the shot-clock at one second Bice had killed with a no-instrument version of an obscure hair metal song.

We're still not watching that show, motherfucker.

Kick Out The Sports! [Flak]

We know you're watching the George Lopez Show anyway, so we shouldn't need to tell you this, but if you're in the mood for pained line readings and rapidly declining hairlines, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb and Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper are guest starring on the season (though, sadly, not series) finale of La Demostraci n De George Lopez. The plot involves Lopez's daughter's boyfriend being recruited by Central Florida and Syracuse, and the QBs show up to ... you know ... we don't have the heart to finish this. If you really can't miss this, you're probably on the wrong site. We hear Nick Bakay has some new content today.

The George Lopez Show (ABC.com)

Athlete guest stars on "Raymond" after the jump:

Athlete guest stars on "Everybody Loves Raymond;"

1996 — Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
1997 — Terry Bradshaw
Barry Bonds (seriously. He actually insisted he be credited as "Barry Bond." Ah, Barry.)
Marv Albert
Tommy Lasorda (twice, of course)
Katarina Witt
Kristi Yamaguchi
Roy Firestone (remember him?)
James Worthy
Pat O'Brien (voice only. Naw, just kidding.)
1999 — Cleon Jones
Ed Kranepool
Tug McGraw