Here's the scouting report on Vecsey, courtesy of Wikipedia: "Vecsey is also known for his cynical, spiteful and acidic style, in which virtually every point he makes is negative. It is extremely rare for him to make any positive assertions. Common targets for his bitter style include Charles "Charlatan" Barkley, Danny "Pigtails" Fortson, "Bye-Ron" Scott, the "Screw-Jersey" Nets, the New York Knicks, Vin Baker's alcohol problems, Shawn Kemp fathering many children out of wedlock and former Nets star Jayson Williams."

It's OK to be a total prick, we guess, if you bring the journalistic goods. But that's the problem. Here are two recent Vecsey scoops: The Pacers' Ron Artest to Seattle for Brent Barry ... and Steve Francis "going to the Denver Nuggets in the next 48 hours" ... At what point, we wonder, does your credibility suffer when you predict things like this? We suppose the bar is higher at, say, the Washington Post, than it is at the New York Post.

But considering all this, is Vecsey at least funny? You tell us: "Following his 1-for-16 misadventure in Game 1 against the Sonics, Mike Bibby, desperate to figure out his shooting problem, drove to the nearest Wendy's to see if its employees could put their finger on it." Um, what?

It's hard to get to know Vecsey on a day-to-day basis, because the Post has the nerve to charge for his back columns. We didn't ask how much, but whatever it is, it's a little too rich for our blood.

Peter Vecsey Archives [New York Post]

"I've listened to this disk all the way through probably seven times since I bought it. I've listened to Harvest along side it, just to see if I could find some context...I don't know. You don't live here in Minneapolis, Bill, but if you did, you'd know that this album is the equivalent of a Sid Hartman column. He's been doing it so long, he knows all of the requisite steps and conventions, but the substance of what he's doing has long since drained out of him." More after the vital statistics:

Name: Sid Hartman.
Writes for: Minneapolis Star Tribune.
Most often heard on: WCCO radio, 830-AM.
Nicknames: Loony Old Sid; Sid Vicious; Siddhartha.
Born: Minneapolis, Min., March 15, 1920.
Attended: Does not have a college degree. Does not have a high school degree. May have been raised by cows.
Estimated length of columns, career: Eight miles.
Best comment by a Deadspin reader: "Sid Hartman is a senile jackass who may or may not have died five years ago."
Line most often seen on Minnesota-area blogs: "Yes, I'm aware that Sid is old and crazy and it's almost kind of unfair to pick on him, but in this case it was just too good to pass up."
Best line in a national magazine: "English sometimes appears to be his second language." — Steve Rushin, Sports Illustrated.
Binkies: George Steinbrenner, Lou Holtz, Bobby Knight.
Most resembles: Old Biff from Back to the Future II.

In the world of sportswriting, Sid Hartman is the crazy uncle who lives in the back bedroom and has been known to show up for dinner sans pants. Yes, he once confused skater Tara Lipinski with Monica Lewinsky. Once in a radio interview, he continually referred to NBA star Spud Webb as Spider Webb. Reading Sid is like listening to one of your Grandpa's crazy stories; it can only end in one of three ways: 1. You get up and leave, 2. He falls asleep, 3. Death.

More from City Pages: "Sid Hartman's Strib column remains a tragicomic must-read for any self-respecting sports fan who isn't already living with a crotchety grandpa barking inanities and spraying food over on the davenport." That gem, written by City Pages sports blogger Britt Robson, sums up a large consensus in the Twin Cities. One of the knocks against Sid is that he writes what he feels like writing and doesn't want to be confused with the facts. For instance, that a new Twins stadium would bring in new businesses to revitalize downtown Minneapolis, when even the Twins are now admitting that would not be the case. Heck, Sid's own paper confirms that in their business section, which Sid evidently does not peruse. Probably ruined that page while clipping out soup coupons.

Sid Hartman Archive [Minneapolis Star Tribune]

(An addendum from True Hoop:

The whole story is told nicely in Roland Lazenby's new book The Show (and no, I'm not getting paid to say that).")

Name: Scott Fowler.
Writes For: Charlotte Observer.
Former Employers: Louisville Courier-Journal, Miami Herald.
Born: Spartanburg, S.C.
Attended: University of North Carolina (Tar Heels).
Most Often Heard On: ESPN "Outside The Lines," ESPN radio.
Nicknames: Opie; The Bland Inquisitor.
Books: North Carolina Tar Heels, Where Have You Gone?; Year of the Cat; Tales From the Carolina Panthers Sideline.
Most Resembles: Ken Berry.
Most Telling Quote By A Deadspin Commenter: "Fowler may be the blandest, most offensively inoffensive columnist working in a big-league town."

We've delved deeply into the Fowler archives and have actually found some serviceable writing and a few downright interesting pieces. But they all seem to have come before he became a columnist for the Observer. Now, the M.O. seems to be to phone in a few columns a week while he's working on his next book. But perhaps we're not being fair. Maybe there's some real reporting going on here — some actual hard-nosed opinion making. Perhaps there are some startling revelations, such as:

• You know the Duke and UNC men's basketball teams? Apparently there's some sort of big rivalry.
• LeBron James, as it turns out, is a very good player.
• Ha! Those refs sure blew it when they called Tom Penders for a technical. He had fainted!
• The Panthers may have lost the game, but they remain proud.

Our commenter went on to say: "In some ways, that makes him the perfect voice of banking-centric Charlotte, a town full of buttoned-down money drones whose idea of dressing down is khakis, a belt and a golf shirt. But it's absolute murder for those of us who pick up the local sports section in search of some kind of fresh take on the scene."

So yeah, if you see a copy of the Observer lying around Floyd's Barber Shop, avoid sports at all costs. Unless you need the rest.

Scott Folwer Archive [Charlotte.com]

Joe Biddle Archive [The Tennessean]

"This really sent Katz over the edge. In Zorro-like fashion, he began waving his cane menacingly, poking at Borges' chest. The Boston writer advanced on Katz. And then the melee broke out. HBO Sports executive Kery Davis, trying to break things up, grabbed Borges' head. Four other guys jumped Borges from behind, trying to pull him back. Bodies were seemingly flying everywhere, one of them landing on Arum, knocking him down. Adding to the chaos, one of Arum's PR men, thinking he had heard gunshots, dove on his boss to protect him. 'Get the (expletive deleted) off me,' Arum screamed."

"This fellow (Belichick) has cornered the market on convincing people with the help of his friends that no one has ever worked harder than he does and he's out, uh, you know, when everyone else is sleeping, he's working, when everyone else is eating, he's working, uh, I could say something, but I won't ... about uh, how at least some of his time is being spent..."

"Inside a red, white and blue fortress called the Superdome, they let freedom ring last night, and they let freedom sing, and then they played a football game that stands today as tall as the Twin Towers once did as a defiant statue of liberty. On the night they wrapped a star-spangled banner around the neck of terror and squeezed tight, they played a football game that will be remembered as Patriots' Day."

Steve Serby Columns [The New York Post]

Randy Galloway Archive [Ft. Worth Star-Telegram]
Wimp-free Sports [Ft. Worth Star-Telegram]

Steve Kelley Archive [Seattle Times]

(As always, we're taking nominations at tips@deadspin.com)

Name: Dan Le Batard
Columnist For: Miami Herald
Attended: Chaminade-Madonna College Prep (Lions); University of Miami
Nicknames: Dan LeRetard, The Bastard, Billy the Marlin
Most often seen/heard on: Pardon The Interruption, Around the Horn, Cold Pizza, 790-AM "The Ticket"
Most resembles: Kent Dorfman
Best description on Road From Bristol: "He's an arrogant, lying, self righteous prick who should have been fired 100X over for the lies he writes in his column. — JoeyT
Fun rumor: Once dated Heat TV host Jill Martin, who broke it off with him because he was too fat.

What does Dan Le Batard think? He thinks that if you didn't vote for Shaquille O'Neal for NBA MVP, you're a racist. (As preposterous as the first column was, the follow-up, where he attempts to clarify his stance, is even lamer). He thinks that "No one who looks like Steve Nash" should win the award. He thinks that Ricky Williams should have been elected Pope. He thinks that steroid use is no big deal. He has a man-crush on Billy Beane. All of this — save perhaps the Billy Beane part — is what comes from attending the University of Miami. It changes a person. We are convinced that this school should be detached from the rest of Florida and pushed out to sea — but not toward Cuba, which would make Le Batard happy.

Then there is the electronic Le Batard, whose appearances on "Pardon The Interruption," "Cold Pizza," "Around the Horn" and "The Sports Reporters" will probably lead to Earth's destruction sometime in the dim future, when those waves eventually reach an alien civilization with enough technology to takes us out. But as annoying as he is on TV and radio, he's twice so in print. Take this recent lead, about the Miami Heat:

More fun. More athleticism. More volume. More drama. More attitude. More confidence. More electricity. More versatility. More youth. More stars. More bench. More flash. More relevance.

More Excedrin, please. Then of course there's the fact that too often he just phones it in. In this column, there are 22 paragraphs, 15 of the short, one-sentence variety. There's more air in this piece than in a typical bag of circus popcorn; it contains fewer insightful thoughts than a Klan rally. But that's our Dan — coasting along, intoxicated by the fumes of his own fame. Dan, if you're going to do schtick, could you at least be funny? Here's an idea: Instead of holding hands with Ricky Williams, try hanging out with Dave Barry for a day or two — you work at the same newspaper, for God's sake.

When the Plain Dealer went looking for a sports gossip columnist, they took a bold chance — plucking Brown out of the Lifestyles section, where he had been giving readers detailed breakdowns of the latest episode of Survivor. Suddenly he was charged with dishing the inside dirt about the Cleveland sports scene, even though he didn't have many contacts. And so, a lot of his columns looked suspiciously, uh, fishy. In one famous column, he announced that the Cavaliers were going to fly LeBron James' mother to all away games. Not true, said the Cavs. Of course, Brown did break the news that Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia was dating Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. If that counts as "breaking" or "news."

But just as often he'll write about what the announcers had to say about the game that night (Brown loves to hang with announcers), or reveal what players had for dinner. True, Brown often asks the tough questions when few in the meek Cleveland sports media will do so. But too often, when he doesn't get answers, he will:

a: Get into a loud locker room argument, or;
b. Kind of, you know, add some writer's embellishment.

What is Brown's future with the Plain Dealer? Sources inside the newspaper are quietly predicting that he is on his way out.*

* = May be completely untrue.

The Sniper [Clevescene]
Roger Brown Archive [Plain-Dealer]

(As always, we're taking nominations at tips@deadspin.com)

A while back we solicited your help in describing the phenomenon that is Skip Bayless, and you came through in grand style. We'll share several of your choicest comments a little later. But first, the vital statistics:

Name: Skip Bayless
Writes For: ESPN Page2.
Formerly Wrote For: Dallas Times, Dallas Morning News, Miami Herald, Chicago Tribune, San Jose Mercury News.
Born: Oklahoma City.
Attended: Vanderbilt.
Most Often Seen On: "Cold Pizza," "1st & 10," "The Jim Rome Show."
Nicknames: Skipper, Old Man Skippy, A1 Toolbox, Fish Hack, Scoop Brainless, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Best Description On A Message Board: "The man is pure evil and would boo at the Special Olympics." — Alex R.
Most Resembles: Beavis.
Best Moment: Eat it, Bayless.

You're a mean, one, Mr. Skip. We imagine Skip Bayless crouched over his laptop in the dark recess of his drafty cave-office high atop Mt. Crumpet, pondering the next Who down in Whoville which he will eviscerate with his terrible, pointy wit. Will it be Tom Landry? Steve Young? Black college basketball players? Place kickers? Innocent little kids? The list is endless — no one is safe. That's because Bayless is one of the founding members of the Cult of Shock Journalism, in which sportswriters, devoid of any real depth or insight or particular talent, instead rely on venomous attacks. Skip Bayless is the journalistic equivalent of a "Your Mother Is So Fat" joke. He's never actually met your mother, and chances are he stole the joke. But saying it loudly enough gets him noticed on the playground. Or, just think a slightly less masculine version of Ann Coulter.

Our favorite Skip Bayless story involves former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman. In his 1996 book "Hell-Bent," Bayless groundlessly speculates that Aikman might be gay. (We hate it when people do this.) Aikman, as rumor has it, went straight to his attorney to find out how much it would cost to beat the crap out of Bayless. Oh, what might have been. But Bayless knows this drill; he's perfected the whack-a-mole art of becoming a moving target. Dallas, Miami, Chicago, San Jose (?), he never stays in one place long enough for someone to pin him down and administer the thrashing he deserves. And now he's hidden in the matrix of ESPN.com, more elusive, and sensationalistic, than ever. It's sad, really. But what can one expect from a writer whose heart is three sizes too small?

But then, you knew all this. Excerpts from your Bayless stylings after the jump.

Skip Bayless must have been doing lines off the blackjack table in Vegas this week because I couldn't believe what he said. He said that Jay Cutler, from Vanderbilt, should be the #1 pick in the NFL draft. I just shook my head. I wonder if he's just an idiot who honestly thinks that or he just tries to be different from everyone else. I think he's just an idiot.

See, picking a Bayless column that stands out as the worst is hard to do. Considering he makes himself a constant spectacle of stupidity, it was hard. Still, here are the worst of the worst. His inability to understand any movie not presented in utterly linear fashion. His desire to limit the NCAA basketball tournament to major-conference teams. His ridiculous promotion of Mike Williams after the draft. His utterly impractical suggestion to eliminate kickers from the NFL. Of course, nothing will compare to his absolutely hemhorrage-inducing "feuds" with Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens.

If you can find it, look around at the Chicago Tribune archives for the letters to the editor about Skip leaving back in 2001. It's amazing how much hatred there was. Columns about how Sammy Sosa was a fraud and a jerk compared to the upstanding and friendly Barry Bonds, demeaning most of the other sports figures there...I believe it was taking on Joey Meyer that got him run out of town though.

Skip, I;d like to bash you over the head with this flaming crowbar covered in wasps.

You should ask Troy Aikman for his take on this talentless controversy making for controversy sake dickhead. After Bayless suggested Aikman may bat for the other team, Aikman reportedly asked his agent or lawyer what it would cost to punch Bayless. I hated every waking moment he was in my city of Chicago.

I can't even look at (his) picture. It burns. BURNS.

Bayless is as lazy as Woody Paige looks.

Skip Bayless Archive [ESPN]

30 percent: Great pick. Deadspin is my number one choice for all my sports news. Is there anyway we can meet you sometime, so that we might hug you for bringing such joy into our lives?
35 percent: You're morons. Bob Ryan has more talent in his left nut than you dolts. You've probably never been laid.
35 percent: We can't believe you didn't do Dan Shaughnessy.

So, to support (for a week, anyway) solidarity among our readers, we'd like to solicit your opinion. We have already selected next week's winner: The infamous Skip Bayless, the guy who seems like everybody's least favorite columnist. (Even if his "hometown" is now Page 2.) We encourage you to send us your best Skip Bayless rants, either in the comments or at tips@deadspin.com. And you can also nominate future hometown columnists. But for now ... enjoy digging into Bayless. Sharpen those talons.

Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks: Bob Ryan [Deadspin]
Skip Bayless Archive [Page 2]

Bob Ryan Archive [Boston.com]
Bob Ryan [Wikipedia]

Peter Kerasotis Archive [Florida Today]
Peter Kerasotis: Worst Columnist In America [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

C.W. Nevius Archive [San Francisco Chronicle]

Stephen A. Smith Archive [Philly.com]
Unpardonable Interruptions [Slate]

We didn't mind Souhan when he wrote for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram or the Dallas Morning News, or even in his early days at the Star-Tribune. Because he was a reporter then. But something happened when he was "promoted" to columnist. Some examples:

"Brad Johnson strolled through the Vikings' locker room this week wearing a red jersey and a backpack.

The jersey represents the fragility of NFL quarterbacks, and thus quarterback careers, signaling defenders not to hit him in practice.

The backpack symbolizes the mobility that has been required of him throughout his career."

?????

Also, it seems he has an unfortunate propensity for using Hurricane Katrina references.

Of course Souhan famously feuded with George Steinbrenner as the writer refusing to vote for Hideki Matsui in 2003 Rookie of the Year balloting, maintaining that because Matsui played previously in Japan, he wasn't really a rookie. (Comical slide-whistle sound effect here). You know, when you're arguing with Steinbrenner, and Steinbrenner comes off as the rational one, it's time to step back and take stock of your life.

Jim Souhan Archive [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

"What? You lose the privilege to disagree just because you re rich? When I hear people say, 'Just shut up, take your money and buy some suits,' I hear something else.

Hey, just shut up and be happy you ve got your seat on the bus."

Whoa, slow down, Atticus Finch. Scout needs some help with the ham costume before you head back to the courthouse.

Bob Kravitz Archive [Indianapolis Star]

Bud Poliquin Archive [Syracuse.com]

"An office that was once as forbidding as Dorrell's perfectly pressed sweat pants — how does he do that? — is now one big living room.

His daughter's drawings are on the door, snacks are on the counter, and a neatly folded blanket and pillow are on a leather couch in the corner.

Where kids used to sit on the edge of their seats, they now feel comfortable enough to sprawl on their backs.

While Dorrell sometimes sleeps here, so do his players."