The Astros have indicated that if another team doesn’t claim Chacon by Monday, they'll release him and terminate his contract. The player's association will have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever! “Based on the information we have to date, we believe the Astros’ response violates the Basic Agreement,” union general counsel Michael Weiner said. “If Shawn Chacon clears waivers and is released, we will pursue appropriate relief on his behalf.” If Chacon is released Monday, $983,607 of his $2 million salary would be in dispute.

Chacon’s agent, Dan Horwits, said he would wait to see if his client clear waivers before he addresses whether a grievance would be filed. “This is America, you always get a second chance,” Astros pitcher Wesley Wright said. “Hopefully things will work out in his favor and our favor and after ties are cut with the Astros he can move on somewhere else and be successful.” The good news: Pitcher Runelvys Hernandez was called up from Class AAA Round Rock to take Chacon’s spot on the roster.

• Walkabout. Albert Pujols was 4-for-4 in his return, but the Cardinals lost to the Tigers 3-2 when Clete Thomas drew a bases-loaded walk in the 10th. Way to spoil Will's last day, Leyland. St. Louis reliever Mike Parisi (0-4) gave up a leadoff single to Curtis Granderson and intentionally walked Carlos Guillen and Miguel Cabrera before Thomas drew his second run-scoring walk of the day.

• Sing A Sad Song For Phils . Oakland's Rich Harden (5-0) struck out 11 and retired the first 14 batters before giving up a clean single to Shane Victorino, the Athletics beating the Phillies 5-0. Harden gave up two hits over eight innings.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Cody Ross, Florida Marlins. Great catch, but Cody Ross was certainly not bothered by any unruly fans in the outfield on this grab near the fence in center. It looks like a scene from I Am Legend. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands. Wizard Cat gives Marlins fans: Zero wands.

We had the closest thing to it when Astros soon-to-be-ex-pitcher Shawn Chacon attacked Houston general manager Ed Wade. The dispute seemed to be over a meeting that Chacon refused to attend in manager Cecil Cooper's office. Chacon was rather upfront about the "exchange."

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling me. Then I stood up and said 'you better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him because at that point I wanted to beat his (butt). Words were exchanged."

Nice. You likely won't be seeing Chacon in an Astros jersey again, which seems odd; sure, if we punched our boss, we'd be out of a job ... but then again, Gawker Media doesn't have the pitching problems the Astros do.

A reader helpfully sends in Chacon's new baseball card.

When Miguel Tejada met 8-year-old Jacob Scott on Friday, he was so touched by the little boy with muscular dystrophy he promised him a home run. Tejada fulfilled his vow to the youngster by hitting the first of three straight Houston home runs in a 7-4 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. The Astros hit five homers in the game.

"I was so excited," said Tejada, who'd never promised a home run before. "I know it's hard to tell someone you'll hit a home run and do it. But today when I went to lunch with this kid I wanted him to be happy. So I told him I'd do it."

We would like to see Tom Farrey interview Tejada afterwards. "Isn't it true that you actually promised him a ball over the left field wall, rather than over the right? Mr. Tejada? Mr. Tejada? Where are you going?"

Miguel Tejada Gets His Babe Ruth On [MachoChip]
ESPN Plays To Catch A Predator [Deadspin]

Most journalists we've talked to dream of moments like this; you have a guy you know is lying to you, lies to you to your face and then you NAIL him as he scurries away. Everyone else, you know, regular people, think reporter Tom Farrey trapped Tejada and purposely embarrassed him on camera. (In uniform, no less!)

Frankly, we tend to veer toward the latter camp, despite, you know, being ostensibly (theoretically?) a journalist. As Shakedownsports puts it:

E:60's ambush of Miguel Tejada was flat out wrong. It was television at its lowest point. Pure exploitation in order to get ratings. What did Tejada do to deserve being lured into a studio and left bare in front of a camera on live tape-delayed TV? This isn't "To Catch a Predator." Nobody can think to themselves that the guy on camera deserved what he got. Nobody can think ESPN was helping out it's viewers by calling attention to Tejada's real age. It was simply entrapment. Tom Ferry tricked Tejada into lying and then he had the brazeness to keep yelling questions as Tejada left the room.

It is telling that Tejada took tougher questioning about his age than he ever has about steroids.

Apparently there was some sort of pregame argument between Pujols and Houston's Brandon Backe, and that did not spell good news for the Astros. Although Pujols downplayed it. "No matter who gets me mad or doesn't get me mad, I'm going to go out there and play the game the right way every time,'' he said. From AP: "The exchange lasted a few minutes. It involved yelling and ended with Astros manager Cecil Cooper putting his arm across Backe and guiding him away from Pujols. It apparently was over Pujols sliding into Astros catcher J.R. Towles in the eighth inning of the Cardinals' win over the Astros on Tuesday, an event Pujols had already apologized to Towles for." Pujols also had a run-scoring single and Rick Ankiel had two RBI. It was Pujols' first homers of the season. Bradon Looooooper! allowed five hits and three runs in 5 2/3 innings, striking out four. St. Louis is 7-2 in the Central, a half-game up on the second-place Brewers.

• Tigers Win! Tigers Win! Cigarettes for everyone! After scoring only 15 runs during an 0-7 start, Detroit rolled several runs off the assembly line to beat the Red Sox 7-2. Marcus Thames and Carlos Guillen homered, Edgar Renteria had three hits and Ivan Rodriguez got the 2,500th hit of his career for the Tigers, who also drew eight walks. Well, that helps.

• And Now Even The Mets Are Winning. The Mets beat the Phillies? Must be some sort of mixup. Of course, Philly was playing without Jimmy Rollins, but New York still broke a nine-game losing streak to their hated rival, winning 8-2. Eric Bruntlett and his Magic Fingers made two errors at short — he was filling in for the injured Rollins — and Phillies starter Kyle Kendrick walked six in the first two innings. The paradoxically named Angel Pagan had a two-run double for the Mets.

• Taste The Rockies. Oh Braves, your pitching is so good. Yorvit Torrealba had a three-run homer in a six-run third as the Rockies won their third straight, 12-6. Atlanta used three pitchers; two with ERAs of more than 15.00.

• Now What's Going On Here? Hard to imagine any kid taking a hard line on trading his Zack Greinke baseball cards, but that's the way it could be shaping up. It's Greinke Fever! He threw eight scoreless innings to lead the Royals to a 4-0 win over the Yankees, improving to 2-0 with an 0.60 ERA. KC (6-2) leads the Central Division. Baltimore (AL East) and Florida (NL East) are also in first, in case you are asked.

In fact, our pick makes our stomach turn over a bit, but alas. We think this division's going to be a lot better than people think.

1. Chicago Cubs. We're not ready to go with the "they win the World Series in the 100th year" business, but the lineup is starting to scare us a little.
2. Milwaukee Brewers. These guys reek of slow starters, followed by the firing of Ned Yost, followed by a crazy run to the wild card.
3. Houston Astros. This franchise is absolutely dead in two years. Their last gasp will push them into third place. Congrats, guys.
4. St. Louis Cardinals. The lineup should surprise — watch Brian Barton, kids — but man, is that really Todd Wellemeyer in the rotation? Heavens.
5. Cincinnati Reds. No longer will these guys sucker us in. It'll be fun to see who Griffey goes to, though.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: Yes, yes, the Pirates are still around. Nice stadium too.

We type all this through gritted teeth. Your thoughts? Tomorrow, the National League West.

Whitney Pastorek is a senior writer for Entertainment Weekly magazine. Her words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

A brief anecdote, if you'll permit it:

On May 22 of last year, I drove to San Francisco to see the Astros play the Giants. The game itself was nothing to remember — my scorecard says it was a 4-2 loss, a three-run Giants rally in the 6th nailing our offense-averse coffin shut — but the dude sitting five rows in front of me on that sunny, cool day will be forever burned on my brain. He'd taken notice of my Biggio jersey, and his taunting started with something light and predictable: The Astros sucked, and could I please show him my tits.

I politely ate my garlic fries, and tried not to encourage him. But by the middle innings, the hundred or so patrons seated in our narrow, isolated splashdown gallery were paying more attention to that dude's hollering than to the game itself, because he was unrelenting. At some point in the 7th — or maybe the 8th, I was too irritated to write it down — Dude tired of insulting the current Astros lineup/my anatomy, and moved on to an impressive historical soliloquy involving Houston icons from eras past. "Mike Scott scuffs balls!" he yelled, over and over. "He's a ball-scuffer! Mike Scott scuffs balls!" Against my better judgment, I lashed out to defend my childhood in the only way I know how: "Your mom scuffs balls," I said. The gallery exploded. "Ooooooooooooh!" they cried. Dude sat down and shut up, finally, finally, finally. Somewhere in Texas, I like to think Mike Scott smiled.

I've never had a particularly good experience in San Francisco, honestly — the next day, I returned to the former PacBell to see the Astros lose again, this time by eight runs in front of an entire stadium full of asshats, the kinds of dudes who taunt Morgan Ensberg for kicks; I mean, who taunts Morgan Ensberg?? — but I tell this story to illustrate an important point w/r/t this season's Houston Astros. You see, for the first time, I think I understand the root of the Bay Area's hostility, and I'd like to personally apologize to all Giants fans for judging them without fully comprehending their angst. I now know just how hard it must have been to find your joy with that Barry Bonds guy running around, and I forgive you for lashing out. Because the exact same thing is happening to my Astros, and I think it's making me into a not-so-nice person.

In fact, I'd argue that hacking through the choking media jungle of an ongoing steroids investigation is worse for us Astros fans, because for so many seasons we've been able to happily mind our own business, situated both metaphorically and geographically below the radar. We spent a decade or so accumulating one of the best records in baseball, but still got treated like some mid-market franchise followed by trailer-dwelling methnecks. We drew over three million fans a year, but all anyone saw was the Bush family behind home plate. We made it to our first World Series after a miraculous late-season comeback, and all anyone cared to point out was the slightly racialist lack of African-Americans on the team. Our Hall of Famer second baseman retired, and all anyone knew about him was that he got plunked a lot. But the more I think about it, this debased existence was actually preferable to what's happening now. Now, I log on to my hometown newspaper's sports page, and the only pertinent information about the 2008 Houston Astros' baseball-playing roster is relegated to a side column entitled "Astros Notes." Astros NOTES??

So I'm not going to specifically address the hubris-riddled pitcher who's hanging around like Wooderson with a national press corps in tow. I'm going to save my rant about our too-loyal owner and his tendency to reject common sense for the next time I'm in a Texas sports bar. I shall not address the trade that brought a Mitchell Report-named shortstop to our city a suspiciously short 24 hours before said naming. And I will certainly not go off on a long tangent about congressmen who would rather poke about the checking accounts of athletes than worry about this little war project they started a while back, or sports columnists who waste valuable inches debating who did what to whom in the Billiard Room with Colonel Mustard and a syringe when there are 53 men in Kissimmee, Florida, warming up to play a new season of a wonderful sport that we all love, despite its faults.

Twenty-eight of the 53 players who reported to the Astros' spring training facility this year are new. If you are good at math, you will see that this is more than 50 percent of the roster. I don't know if that's a normal thing for other teams, but it is not often in the modern Astros era that we fans have been asked to throw ourselves behind a group of total strangers. For the majority of my adult life, Biggio and Bagwell have been there to keep us anchored, and it is really—I cannot emphasize this enough—REALLY bizarre to think that the Killer B's will no longer buzz at the Juice Box. The phrase "end of an era" was invented for times like these.

Add to my growing hostility a tremendous sense of confusion, for plenty of other, more recent constants are gone as well: our rotating bench of weak-hitting utility men with four-letter last names; our fragile, broken closer; the entire left side of our infield. Brad Ausmus is hanging in there, but not for long. Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are, I suspect, pretty damn lonely. Geoff Blum came back, so that's something. It never hurts to have a Jose Cruz on your team. But our starting rotation looks like it was cobbled together in the final round of a very drunken and not-particularly-astute fantasy draft, and, like, Darin Erstad? Where the hell did he come from? Am I looking at the Angels roster by mistake? Who are these people?

Here's the weird thing, though. If I put my optimism hat on for a second — and it ain't easy, but I'll do it for you, Deadspin readers — I can see a decent lineup. Roll with me now: Michael Bourn is an unproven entity, but he's got exciting potential and blazing speed. Kaz Matsui is coming off a strong season in Colorado, having at last shaken off the ghosts of his frustrating Mets career. Speaking of former Mets now using their powers for good, Ty Wigginton turned in a decent second half after joining us last July. Carlos Lee is solid as a (giant, lumbering) rock, and Berkman should bounce back if he can stop pulling weird muscles. Hunter Pence should continue along his superstar trajectory if he can stop walking into sliding glass doors. J.R. Towles shows promise behind the plate, and I've got faith that Ausmus will be a terrific mentor for both him and the awesomely-named Humberto Quintero in the months to come. (Just don't let Brad near batting practice.)

Finally, Miguel Tejada is, my god, MIGUEL TEJADA. I don't care if he's eating babies to keep his stats up, so long as they stay up.

Another important factor to consider: We had the best pitching in the league for a couple years there, but we couldn't hit our way out of a T-ball tournament. We've now flipped that equation. If Oswalt stays in character, and Backe comes back strong, and Wandy learns to pitch in cities other than Houston, and Woody Williams sells his soul to the devil, and Paulino continues to mature, and Shawn Chacon—well, never mind so much about him—I think they can maybe hold down the fort long enough for our offense to do some damage. And then they can hand things off to our shiny new bullpen, a bullpen that is guaranteed to work better than last year, when it wasn't so much "closer by committee" as it was "a bunch of pitchers whose reliability hovered somewhere between a drunk Lindsay Lohan and a 1962 Chevy Corvair." Now we've got an exciting setup guy, Oscar Villarreal, and an even more exciting (if totally batshit insane) closer, José Valverde, to bring us home. I don't know if they're Pujols-proof, per se, but I think the days of wanting to shoot myself in the 7th inning are over for the time being.

The 2008 Houston Astros, in other words and despite all the chaos it took to get us here, do not look that bad on paper. Of course, no one can get hurt — and I swear to god, Berkman, if you even think about playing flag football this summer, I will come down to Second Baptist and lock you in the bowling alley myself. But if everyone plays at the top of their potential, I see no reason why we can't put together a winning record with the tools at hand. Most prognosticators have us ranked third or fourth in the division, but if there's one word you can use to describe the NL Central, it's "sucky," and so as far as I'm concerned, anything is possible. I think we've got a real shot at pulling this off. Maybe. I called a couple of my sources. They do not think I am completely off the mark with this assessment. I think they're just as confused as I am.

So, um, let's go 'Stros! You may be getting decimated in Spring Training, but I'll still see you in San Diego for Opening Day. Hopefully by that time, the Steroidal Eye of Sauron will have turned its gaze elsewhere, and we can get back to the simple pleasures of hitting and catching and running and spitting and scratching. I'll be there every step of the way, even if I don't know the first thing about most of you guys. I like meeting new people! And when I make my annual pilgrimage to San Francisco this summer, Giants fans, garlic fries are on me. I will not show you my tits, but garlic fries are on me.

FBI agents in Washington opened the case a little more than two weeks after both Clemens and McNamee appeared at the same House hearing on Feb. 13, each accusing the other of lying. "The request to open an investigation on the congressional testimony of Roger Clemens has been turned over to the FBI and will receive appropriate investigative action by the Washington Field Office," said FBI spokeswoman Debra Weierman.

Meanwhile, the Astros are distancing themselves. This is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better.

FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]
Congress Decides That It's Time ... For The Comfy Chair! [Deadspin]
Astros Owner Might Reconsider Clemens Deal [MSNBC]

In a letter sent Wednesday to Attorney General Michael Mukasey, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Henry Waxman and ranking Republican Tom Davis said Clemens' testimony that he "never used anabolic steroids or human growth hormone warrants further investigation."

Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, who claimed under oath that he injected the pitcher with HGH, is not expected to undergo further investigation.

"We didn't think Roger Clemens was telling the truth," Waxman said. "We feel it's important for (the Justice Department) to take a special look at this (and) see if any laws were violated. It's going to be up to them" whether Clemens will be prosecuted.

So, this is a long way from being over, kids. And despite your protests, you know you want it.

UPDATE: The FBI has officially opened an investigation into Clemens' testimony. Uh oh.

Congress Wants Justice To Investigate Clemens [MSNBC]
Hey Federal Government, Can I Just Burn My Money Instead? [Cousins Of Ron Mexico]
Steroids and the Government — The KB High Horse Rides Again [The KB]
Congress Removes Cushions, Sends Dogs After Clemens [Mind Rite Sports]
FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]

While Clemens told the Houston Astros he will begin his 10-year "post retirement'' contract to work with minor-league players, the 45-year-old hasn't officially retired, Randy Hendricks said.

"Playing next year is still an option, even if a reduced one from prior years,'' Hendricks said in an e-mail yesterday.

We're not sure how much more abbreviated Clemens' contract could become at this point; we suspect that next year, he will just show up in the top of the first, throw one pitch and then walk off the field with his cap held high in the air. And that pitch will, of course, be directly aimed at the batter's head.

We do encourage him to come back, though; it might be fun to see him pitching in a post-Mitchell report world.

Clemens May Pitch Next Year On A Shorter Schedule, Agent Says [Bloomberg]

First, Thomas. He hit his 500th homer yesterday and celebrated by ... being thrown out of the game for arguing a strike call late. This reminded us of that stupid Billy Crystal movie in which he throws Kareem Abdul-Jabbar out of his farewell game. Excellently played, Frank.

But not nearly as much fun as Biggio. You have to love a guy who, while notching his 3,000th hit, gets so excited that he runs into an obvious out at second base trying to stretch it to a double.

We salute these men, who displayed the sports equivalent of Miss America falling down right after receiving her crown.

Thank You Craig Biggio [Crawfish Boxes]
First The Achievement, Then The Disappointment [Jays Nest]

• In The Immortal Words Of Elaine Benes: 'Get Out!' It kind of sucks to be Dan Wheeler right now. The Astros reliever came in and gave up three runs to blow a save on Wednesday, as the Athletics went on to beat Houston 7-3. When Wheeler got back to the dugout after being pulled, starter Chris Sampson — who had pitched well for seven innings — attempted to console him with a pat on the back. But Wheeler shoved Sampson away, screaming at him to go to the other end of the dugout. Wait, wha —? Jason Kendall homered (not a misprint) to lead Oakland. "There's nothing going on," Wheeler said. "I love Chris. It was just frustration on my part. I'm a professional, I should be better than that. I take full responsibility." Such drama for a 27-38 team. And we would so like to see a replay of that moment with Carlos Zambrano playing the Chris Sampson role.

• The Empire Strikes Back. Meanwhile the Yankees won and the Red Sox lost, with New York moving to within 8 1/2 of first-place Boston in the AL East. Hey, we're just sayin'. Alex Rodriguez hit his 25th homer in a 7-2 win over the Diamondbacks, and Mike Mussina got his first win in more than a month. New York has won eight straight and 11 of 13.

• Rocked By Rockies. Brad Hawpe is considering starting his own blog after hitting a three-run homer off of Curt Schilling in the fifth, as Colorado went on to a 12-2 win over the Red Sox.

• Just Let 'Em Fight. Florida manager Fredi Gonzalez and Marlins players Taylor Tankersley and Aaron Boone were all ejected after Tankersley hit the Indians' Grady Sizemore in the back with a two-strike pitch in the sixth. It was one of those deals where both teams had been warned not to hit anyone. We're not sure we like this rule; it seems that baseball is going to great lengths to prevent fights that don't ever amount to any sort of violence anyway. "Stupid, just stupid," as Berman would say. David Dellucci broke a tie with a three-run homer in sixth, leading Cleveland to a 7-3 win.

• Last, But Not Least. Felipe Lopez's bases-loaded triple off Chris Ray in the 11th carried the Nationals over the Orioles 9-6.

• Clemens Signs With Yankees For $28 Mil. The Yankees announced that they have signed Fat Billy from Ohio to a minor league contract. Good. I did not want to spend any of my summer evenings rooting for that asshole. I'm going on record right here: 2007 is the year FBfO goes into a serious decline. Serious. [The Joy Of Sox]

• Just Another Overpriced Brick In The Brokedown Palace. Roger Clemens going back to the Yankees? Aw, hell I never really wanted that bloated bastard back here anyway. Honest. I'll have more later. I just... I just can't talk right now... ::runs off crying:: [Surviving Grady]

• Oh Yeah, There Was A Game Today. It's amazing that nobody caught on to Clemens' return prior to the announcement. What a shocker! Oh what I would have given to have been at the stadium. Roger hopes to return by the end of the month. With any luck, it'll be the last 3 days of the month when the Yanks travel to Toronto because I'll already be there. That'd be killer. I might have to make a roadie to Scranton and see a minor league start depending on the timetable. I'm still in utter disbelief that this went down today. Somebody queue up U2's "Beautiful Day." Wow. [Baseball & The Boogie Down Bronx]

• Ex-cellent. Roger Clemens announced to all Red Sox fans that he hates us the second he went to the Yanks the first time. Were you all too fucking blind to see him literally (not figuratively, literally) kissing and rubbing the face of Babe Ruth before every game he pitched for the Yanks? Please, everyone, get on board the "hate Clemens" express. It's so fun! You get to root against that fat traitor swine. I couldn't see how it would make sense any other way. [A Red Sox Fan From Pinstripe Territory]

• The Rocket Returns. We knew George was angry, but we didn't know he was desperate yet. Fire Joe? Hmm. No. How about sign Roger for a bijillion dollars. Oh yes. He's going to pay this guy like he is the savior. And, well, he just may be. Finally, the Yankees getting Clemens means that the Red Sox don't. This was even earlier than expected too. Most believed he wouldn't pitch until June. The Yankees needed this. This is huge. [The Bleacher Teacher]

• Clemens A Yankee. I don't really have a lot to say about it... Basically the Astros offered him the same amount of money(pro-rated 28 gazillion dollars[million]) but only wanted him to pitch 3 months of the season, where Roger wanted to pitch 4 months so he chose the Yankees. Okay maybe I do have a lot to say about it. I think that's a dumb ass excuse and that's all it is, an excuse. He wanted to go back to the Yankees and that's all there is to it. [Houston Crawfish Boxes]

• Clemens Hits The Target Again. What did George Steinbrenner tell Clemens on March 7 in Tampa? Whatever it was, it made an impact. "He had some words for me which I'll keep with me forever. I might share those when this season is all said and done. I'll keep those close to my heart," Clemens said. Is Steinbrenner retiring? Selling? Sick? [The LoHud Yankees Blog]

We didn't get to pay much tribute yesterday to Brad Lidge losing his closer's job already, but hey, it's never too late to show that video from the 2005 NLCS. It's OK to toss this in, it's not rubbing it in, because the Astros won that series. Right?

We appreciated The Dugout's recent take on Lidge, and even this recent YouTube ode to Lidge. Our favorite part about the Lidge saga is that everyone always insists, no, he's fine, really. Just has some bugs to work out. Totally.

Brad Lidge's Visit With His Shrink [The Big Picture]
Brad Lidge Takes A Well-Deserved Digger [The Fanhouse]
The Saga Of Brad Lidge [YouTube]

Look, guys: We didn't pick the Cardinals! (We still think they'll win the wild card.) Yes, our flirtation with the Brewers continues; we actually picked them to win the wild card at midseason last year. So there's that.

1. Milwaukee Brewers. Best pitching staff in the division, with potential for big power. We're scared.
2. St. Louis Cardinals. Everyone's concerned about the rotation, but we think that'll be fine; we're far more concerned about that, ugh, outfield.
3. Chicago Cubs. Seriously, they should just cut Wood and Prior right now. Everyone will feel better.
4. Houston Astros. We think this might be the worst Astros team of the last few years. We almost wanted to put them behind the Reds.
5. Cincinnati Reds. Boy, Ken Griffey has just been a godsend, hasn't he?
6. Pittsburgh Pirates. If we were more of a real man, we'd act on our hunch about this team. But we're not.

See? No Cardinals! No reverse jinx! Nope! Tell us what you think, if you're more of men and women than we are. And you are.

Well, we're less than a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Houston Astros. Your author is Whitney Pastorek.

Whitney Pastorek is a staff writer at Entertainment Weekly and still thinks having a literary magazine is a good idea Her words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

On behalf of the Houston Astros and in the name of all who wear the rainbow stripes, I offer greetings to you, baseball season — you celebrated summer, you minx! You have come to us once again, a temptress in stretchy pants and funny socks, padding up in your shirtsleeves as we freeze to death and thirst for that first sip of spring; you ensnare us with your siren song of wood and dirt, horsehide and rubber, tar and chalk and foamy warm beer, and we flock to you, genuflect, sit at your hallowed feet. We wait in quiet supplication for you to reveal your mysteries to us. We wait. And then we drive ourselves mad, all in the name of that elusive World Series ring.

But alas, baseball, you cruel mistress, you tease — could there be any pain greater than the aftermath of that World Series win? To read the Deadspin previews to date, I should say not... and I give thanks to the powers above that my hometown does not harbor such an accursed ex-championship team. Why, take the Pirates (please!): 15 straight losing seasons, each one a glaring sign blinking, Dammit, we took this whole thing in 1979! This is so embarrassing! Or how about the Orioles? Sure, they won back in 1966, but all that reminds them of in these lowly days is Hank Bauer is dead. What a horrid cross to bear! And to think, this whole time I was envying the ChiSox for their Series win against my Astros in 2005 — if only I'd known the angst that victory would breed, I certainly wouldn't have wished that upon them, for Chicago White Sox fans are some of my very best friends! Those poor dears, faced with the gut-wrenching knowledge that they are now expected to win yet another World Series title, preferably sometime in this century! Such pressure must border upon the unbearable. How Will Leitch must fear for his recently anointed Cardinals! It is a wonder he can function at all!

Okay, I'm being a little silly. But to be fair, and in the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit to understanding some of the World Series poison myself. After all, as a NYC resident since 1993, I've given plenty of local support to the New York Yankees, whose dark, desperate quest to win took what from 1996 through 2000 was a noble, healthy, farm-fresh team and turned it into a bloated Frankenstein. It is a mercenary transformation most foul, and it breaks my heart.

Oh, by the way, you can stop with the sneering: If you think I was going to even consider giving my patronage to the childhood-ruining Mets, you know less about baseball than you think I do. And anyway, you're missing my point.

What I'm trying to say is that lately, I've been looking at life as an Astros fan in a much, much different way. Houstonians! Don't you see how lucky we truly are? Every extra-inning playoff loss, every late-season win streak that isn't quite enough, every time we make it to the World Series only to get swept and called racists — those aren't pathetic events, they're dodged bullets! Stays of execution! Tiny angel kisses upon our dry, cracked lips! Not only that, but every time we don't win it all we actually gain more of the divine confidence that comes from consistency: We have never won a World Series, and there is little to no chance we will do that this year, so huzzah! Have another inning-ending double play, Adam Everett! Yes, so long as this blessed streak continues, we can go on about our business, secure in the knowledge that God is in his heavens and all is right with the world. Why, I have no idea why I've been so miserable all these years!

Oh wait. Except I do. And no amount of absurdist melodramatic pseudo-rationalization is going to change the simple reality of my trainwreck of a life spent under the spell of the Houston Astros — a life I may bitch about incessantly, but which I would never, ever trade.

Part of the point of these previews seems to be not only to say something about the squad my team plans to field in 2007 but also to prove why I am like this massive superfan and my pain/loyalty/knowledge is worse/stronger/smarter than everyone else's. Um, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. This is for a couple reasons, the first of which being that any conversation in which I "prove" my devotion to the Astros usually ends with the other party wandering away, glassy-eyed, never to bring up sports in front of me again — and secondly, I'm not sure that the way I watch this holiest of all pastimes will read as anything but one long, sappy digression to you people.

See, I'm not a stats hound or a fantasy fiend. While sabermetrics are probably very effective, I'm not interested in taking one of life's simple pleasures and mucking it all up with math. And I'm the farthest thing from a trivia completist, the type of person who remembers the name of Nolan Ryan's 3,000th strikeout victim or the backup second baseman in 1982 or the pitch count when Larry Dierker had a stroke in the dugout. Baseball for me is instead a collection of emotion-drenched memories, an overstuffed warehouse of symbolism and a field of dreams for the future that stretches out long and green and full of possibility. It is a haven of predictability but a lion's den of the improbable; it is rhythmic chaos; it exists outside of time yet revels in the inevitable. It is the complete opposite of virtually everything else in my life, and I speak of it with a reverence that can get really exhausting, really fast.

So I'll spare you all my nattering about how my early years were defined by the sight of Jose Cruz brandishing his bat, the stain of the infield on Bill Doran's shirt, the rush of air when Kevin Bass struck out. I'll not trouble you by reminiscing about the nights I'd listen to Milo Hamilton yell "Holy Toledo!" over the radio I kept under my pillow past lights out. No one wants to hear stories of me sitting, coiled, starving, on my coffee table for the last 10 innings of a certain 18-inning game, or how I fell off it, screaming, when Chris Burke's drive went into the Crawfish Boxes. You'll certainly find it tedious if I rhapsodize about that chilly Texas night spent sitting with my mother in Market Square and watching the end of a long, painful World Series sweep, or how I returned home and held my useless Game 5 tickets one long, last time before the glow of that incredible fall faded and everything went back to normal. Yes. No. We'll not go through all of that.

Because, jeez, this isn't supposed to be about the past! Hello! Quit with the dewy-eyed nostalgia, woman, and jump to the now! What should we be keeping an eye on for 2007?

I'm ever so glad you asked! Reports from spring training indicate our pitching staff is a bit of a fallow field under which some teensy little seedlings are trying to take root, which is good news for sure, since with Andy Pettitte heading back to his abusive ex-boyfriends up north, we're left with Oswalt and about three-quarters of Backe, plus winter acquisitions Woody Williams and Jason Jennings, who I'll take over anyone named Wandy. I have hope that one of our prospects — Albers, Gutierrez, Moehler or Sampson, perhaps — may grow to stand tall as a tree.

Because he seems determined not to be ignored, to Roger Clemens I dedicate the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' biggest hit, and remind him that I know where he lives.

Brad Lidge remains a bit of a broken man, but we try not to talk about that.

On the offensive tip, well, things being as they have been in H-Town the past couple seasons, the pitching staff could throw demon strikeout beans and it still won't matter unless someone remembers to teach the rest of the team how to hit. I remain unconvinced that our post-season moves have helped us all that much in this category, or that Carlos Lee isn't going to implode by June. Meanwhile, Ausmus is spotty at best, Ensberg a bit schizophrenic and Everett generally cute but hapless. Palmeiro only gets up to contribute pinch-hit strikeouts, Burke, Bruntlett, and Scott are unproven in the long term, Hunter "Spring Training Is Fun" Pence is unproven in reality and if Jason Lane and Richard Hidalgo are fighting over anything it's the chance to be the first person to generate a major disappointment in the clutch. So that leaves ... Mark Loretta? Oh dear.

Thank god, then, for Berkman — let's hope he follows in the grand tradition of his fellow Killer B's and turns out to be a lifer. And god bless Craig Biggio, who will play without his wonder twin for the first time at the end of his storied, much-beaned career. I put my faith in the leadership (and leading-off) of craggy Craig, as I have for so many years; I also put faith in the power of Phil Garner's mustache to make magic happen ... even though I fear we will probably come in fourth, behind the freakin' Brewers. Hey, how about we just try and win some games before the All-Star game this year, huh? I don't think that's an unreasonable goal: Win games before All-Star Break. Then we can check in, see how everyone's feeling, and go from there. Awesome. Thanks.

And that, short of a long rant about rabbits, trains and Hummer races, is about all I've got. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go leave another $14.95 upon the altar of MLB.com's seductive but hostile Gameday Audio. It's a beautiful day for a software incompatibility — let's find two!

Last year at his time, we had fun with Reggie Miller's corn maze, which allowed you the unique opportunity to lose yourself in Miller's baggy shorts. Now it's time for another retiring star, Jeff Bagwell, to be honored with his own corn maze in Brookshire, Tex. You have to be careful not to touch the sides when you're near his knee, or the whole place will collapse.

Sorry. We love corn mazes.

Jeff Bagwell Corn Maze [Dewberry Farm]
The Great Reggie Miller Corn Maze [Deadspin]

Which is why, as joyous as we found last night's latest psychological pillaging of Brad Lidge by Albert Pujols, we almost felt bad. Before Pujols' homer in the National League Championship Series last year, Lidge was as automatic a reliever as Mariano Rivera; he was terrifying to even watch. This year? ERA nearing 5.00, sad lost look on his face, general emotional breakdown. It's not like he doesn't still throw hard or anything; something just seems to be gone.

It's scary, because you see it happen to someone like Lidge, and you wonder if it can happen to anyone. It almost makes you want to turn away, because it's so gruesome. Though, of course, we didn't.

If Albert Were A Regular Citizen ... [Get Up, Baby!]

• 1. Shooting Star. As established, we love a good hitting streak, so it is with great pleasure that we present to you this morning: Willy Taveras. Please take a bow, Willy. Taveras ran his hitting streak to 30 games as the Astros toasted the Pirates 13-1 on Sunday, Houston's third straight win. Lance Berkman (5-for-45 going into the weekend) had a three-run homer in the fifth. Taveras has the longest hitting streak in team history, and the way things go around here, it should be over by, oh, Tuesday.

• 2. Oh Manny Boy, The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling. It's a story as old as baseball itself: Red Sox try to get back into AL East race, meet Mariners, who trot out rookie pitcher Cha Seung Baek in Game 3, Red Sox get swept. Raul Ibanez had a grand slam as Seattle won 6-3, completing the Ms' first three-game sweep of Boston since 1989. Manny Ramirez sat out again, in case you were wondering.

• 3. The Cain Mutiny. We had the weirdest dream last night. Dinosaurs once again ruled the earth, our house was made of chocolate, and the Giants were in the playoffs. What the ... No. 3 could come true? Rookie Matt Cain went seven strong innings as The City walloped Cincinnati 8-0, drawing them two games behind the Reds for the NL wild card. The Giants have won 11 of 14.

• 4. OK, Watch The Buehrle .... Mark Buehrle was the winning pitcher — ha, your jaw dropped to the floor just like in the cartoons right then — and A.J. Pierzynski and Joe Crede hit consecutive home runs as the White Sox trimmed the Twins' wild-card lead to a half-game with a 6-1 win over the Conjoined Cities.

• 5. All Is Well In Cardinal Land. OK, we'll admit it; not even we were sure who Gary Bennett was until this weekend. (Kidding: We love you, Gary.)

• 1. Rocket Booster. Roger Clemens finally got some support, both from his offense and catcher Brad Ausmus, to pitch the Astros to a 5-2 win over the Pirates on Thursday. It was the 345th career win for Clemens, who needed a pep talk from Ausmus during his six-inning stint. "I didn't feel like I had a lot of life," Clemens said, "and then Brad came out and said it's as good as ever." And doggone it, people like me.

• 2. The Haunted Series. What is this spooky hold that the Royals have over the Red Sox? Curt Schilling, of all people, was abused for 10 extra-base hits as the Royals rallied once again for a 5-4 win. KC had nine doubles and a homer to sweep the three-game series.

• 3. Blue Skies Again. Kenny Lofton and the Dodgers; pretty impressive lately, you know? Lofton singled in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth as LA assumed first place in the NL West, beating the Rockies 4-3.

• 4. Oops! Alex Rodriguez's rushed throw for an E in your scorebook helped the White Sox beat the Yankees 5-4, as Chicago took the series 2-1. NY still leads Boston by three games in the AL East. Rodriguez made his 19th error of the season as the White Sox scored four in the second. "It's just frustrating," Rodriguez told the AP. "You can't give those guys extra outs." Mm-kay.

• 5. Now On Sprockets, It Is Time To Discuss The Indians. Ryan Garko (we have his insurance) hit his first career home run and had four RBI, to lead Cleveland over the Los Angeles/Anaheim/Long Beach Angels 14-2.

Retro Clad Padres Hang On To First [San Diego Union Tribune]

In case anybody out there was wondering who our favorite Fox Sports Net affiliate is ... why, it's Fox Sports Southwest, now that you mention it!

You're With Me, Leather T-Shirt [Gawker Shop]

• 1. Free Willy. So, is Ozzie Guillen on double-secret probation now? According to Bud Selig and White Sox GM Ken Williams, he is. And as if the Baseball Gods were testing the manager's new restraints, Chicago erased an eight-run deficit against the Astros on Sunday, only to lose in 13 innings, 10-9. Houston avoided a three-game sweep and broke the White Sox's nine-game winning streak. Tadahito Iguchi tied it with two out in the ninth with a grand slam, but Willy Taveras' RBI single in the 13th won it for Houston.

• 2. Somewhere Up There, Harry Caray is Mispronouncing Justin Morneau. Not even the return of Derek Lee could roust the Cubs from hibernation, Chicago suffering an 8-1 loss to the Twins as Minnesota registered a three-game sweep. Brad Radke threw seven shutout innings, and the Twins won their 14th of the past 16. Minnesota still trails first-place Detroit by 11 games, though.

• 3. We're Not Worthy! Jose Reyes went 4-for-5 for the second straight day, and Carlos Beltran had a three-run home run (his 20th) as the Mets beat the Blue Jays 7-4. Reyes extended his hitting streak to 13 games and is hitting.561 over his past 57 at-bats.

• 4. He Just Keeps Rollin' Along. Combined, they've hit 731 career homers — take that, Barry Bonds — and individually they're pretty impressive as well. Ken Griffey Jr. hit career homer No. 549 and Adam Dunn, well ... you do the math ... also had a homer to lead the Reds over the Indians 4-2. Griffey passed Mike Schmidt for No. 11 on the all-time list.

• 5. Livan Sells Cartoon Balloons In Town. Livan Hernandez won for the first time in four starts, and Royce Clayton had a three-run double to lead the Nationals over the Orioles 9-5. Hernandez, by the way, credits a midnight showing of the movie Tourismo the night before the game as the inspiration for his win. Um, OK.

(Oh, and the Cardinals haven't played in a week. Fancy that.)

You're asking: Hey, is there any way we could follow along with Clemens the way that ESPN cuts in on him? Of course you can! It's the Web! Off the Baggie will be live-blogging the game, and hopefully they'll capture all the B12 excitement.

Remember, everyone: Christ himself has come down from the mountaintop and is allowing you to watch him pitch. Please, do try to look appreciative.

Roger Returns [MLB.com]
Joe Mauer And Some Pitcher Guy [Off the Baggie]

Considering the Astros are four games under .500 and we just saw Clemens pitch three months ago — which he lost, by the way, inspiring the lead paragraph, "Roger Clemens was looking for a much better finish to his brilliant career" — we're having a hard time firing ourselves up for the extra hour of "SportsCenter" being devoted to the experience. But it'll be on anyway, where we can hear Harold Reynolds say, "He's still got it!" and John Kruk grumble a bit, make an armpit noise, maybe pass gas.

We do wish Roger good luck. We do remind him, however: The minor leagues have a different testing policy. So be careful while you're down there.

(Sorry!)

Lexington Legends [Official Site]
Roger Gets The Jordan Treatment [Deadspin]

Clemens, 43, has signed a one-year deal that is believed to be worth about $3.5 million per month, which will probably equate to about $10.5 million for the season, depending on when exactly he returns to action. ... An announcement is expected as soon as today.

Some had suspected Clemens might spurn the Astros' advances since they're already 7 1/2 games out of first place. If true, it's worth noting — hypothetically speaking, of course — that Clemens' return date would allow Michael Jordan-like steroid suspension theorists to continue their froth. No matter, what, though, the real question is: Is he going to keep doing that Icy Hot thing? Oh, and who's gonna do his laundry?

Clemens To Sign With Astros [Newsday]

(UPDATE: Astros and Clemens are denying the report. Ball's in your court, Newsday.)

(SECOND UPDATE: And now it's official. So much for those denials.)

The officer, Jeffrey Olesen, was relieved from duty after a fan found him, his wife and one of his wife's friends enjoying each other's company in a Minute Maid Park unisex bathroom. The witness, to his credit, wasn't just running out to narc on the bad man and his two ladies; he saw the policeman's gun and thought an assault was taking place.

We can think of all kinds of horrible things a police officer could do to lose his or her job. This isn't striking us as one of them. There are no criminal charges at this time. We bet the guy ends up with a medal.

Fan Claims HPD Officer Had Sex With Two Women In Minute Maid Bathroom [KHOU] (with video!) (via The Red Reporter)

And of course, those numbers are likely way higher than what reality would actually dictate, and that $1,667 per pitch is a very conservative estimate. In addition, Clemens, as noted here, lives in Houston, his son is a member of the Astros organization, and he and Astros pitcher Andy Pettitte are like, total BFF. It's hard to see much of a downside here for ol' Rog.

Clemens has said that he won't be playing in May, but a decision about where/if he's going to play could come sometime soon. If the offer of $20 million really did happen, and he doesn't take it, someone really should consider kicking his ass.

$20 million for the Rocket? [SportsJustice]
Interest in Clemens Is Low-Key and Far Away [New York Times]

• 2. Baseball Comes Out Swinging. Wasn't this new steroids scrutiny supposed to be an early advange to pitchers? Not so far. Major League teams are hitting .270 so far this season, the highest opening week since 1961. Home runs (216) are up 10.6 percent and average runs scored per game at 12.40, the highest in the latter category since 2001. (All of this according to the Elias Sports Bureau). Doing his part has been Jim Thome, who hit his fourth homer of the season in the White Sox's 5-3 victory over the Tigers, ruining Detroit's home opener. Thome hit only seven homers all of last season with the Phillies, who then dealt him to the White Sox, and are now maybe kicking themselves; that is, when other teams aren't doing it. Freddy Garcia went six innings for his 100th win.

• 3. Well, This Looks Familiar. The Dodgers pummeled Pittsburgh in the Pirates' home opener, 8-3, and this time manager Jim Tracy got to see it from a different angle; the Pirates' dugout. The former Dodgers' manager is 1-7 so far with the Pirates, thanks in part to Jason Repko, who homered and tripled to drive in four runs for L.A. It's Pittsburgh's worst start since 1974, when they were also 1-7 ... but they did go on to win the division title that season, so step back from the ledge, Bucs Faithful.

• 4. Biggio, 40, Glad No One Timed Him On That Sac Fly. Craig Biggio motored home on a sacrifice fly in the 12th inning to give the Astros a 5-4 win over the Nationals at Minute Maid Park, in a game noticable for its absence of Washington manager Frank Robinson. The former MLB Director of Discipline was serving a one-game suspension stemming from his actions during Thursday's game with the New York Mets. Robinson was ejected for arguing after Jose Guillen was beaned by Pedro Martinez. On Monday, Nationals starter John Patterson hit two batters, by the way.

• 5. Now Hitting For Alex Rodriguez, Rupert Gee. Should Yankees fans be worried that David Letterman struck out Johnny Damon last night? As part of his guest appearance on The Late Show on Monday, Damon went to the street outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in Manhattan and took some cuts with Letterman pitching ... and struck out. If, that is, if you count the first and third pitches as called strikes, which they were. Letterman then pitched to Billy Crystal, and Yankees manager Joe Torre stepped out of the crowd to pitch to Damon, with better results for the former Red Sox star. Damon's only intelligible answer to a question all night, by the way, was his wish that no one throw anything at him when the Yankees visit Fenway Park May 1-2.

"They said, 'You've got no chance,' they told me," Clemens said. "I said, 'I'm going to get it tomorrow, right?' And then she goes, 'No chance, we're going to the game.' So we couldn't get dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing about them was there were about 50,000 of them at Anaheim Stadium, Korea and Japan.

We imagine Clemens having a similar discussion last season, after reaching on a single against the Dodgers, with first baseman Hee Seop Choi.

"So, hoss, I'm glad I've got you here. Listen, my guy is charging me $25 for a shirt and $40 for a suit. Doesn't that seem insane to ya'll? Forty bucks? Is that what you charge? You surely charge less than that, right?"

Clemens Gets NL Ring [ESPN]

The real story of the NL Central, like every year, involves those damn Cubs. Are the sports gods out to get them? As Cardinals fans, we say yes. Obviously.

Our guaranteed-to-be-wrong predictions:

1. St. Louis Cardinals. Sidney Ponson, baby; Sidney Ponson.
2. Chicago Cubs. If they don't finish this high, Dusty Baker is toast, by the way.
3. Milwaukee Brewers. Prince Fielder is baseball's version of Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Except without braces.
4. Houston Astros. We have seen enough Enron Field the last couple Octobers to last us a lifetime.
5. Cincinnati Reds. The groupies in Cincinnati, Mr. Arroyo, are a step down, we're afraid.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates. We think it would be better if his name were "Duke Zack." Sounds tougher.

Tell us your predictions in the comments, buckos. Bring it.

We re only a couple of weeks from Opening Day, so it s time to start previewing the season. Inspired by an old feature on The Black Table, we re going team-by-team and distributing Four Things You Don t Know about them. If you have suggested oddities on your team, send them to us at tips@deadspin.com. Today: The Houston Astros.

• 1. They Had the Worst Uniforms Known to Man. Ah yes, remember the rainbow jerseys? Sometimes called Rainbow Guts, the Astros in 1975 debuted orange, yellow and red striped jerseys that would be around in some form through 1993. Originally made by Sand-Knit, they were inexplicably popular with fans and began a fashion trend which spread to recreational softball teams, high schools and colleges — notably Seton Hall, Tulane and Louisiana Tech.

• 2. They Are Smarter Than Your Team. Infielder Eric Bruntlett scored a 1560 on the SAT and attended Stanford. Catcher Brad Ausmus attended Dartmouth. Brad Lidge attended Notre Dame.

• 3. Oh Wandy, Well, You Came And You Gave Without Taking ... When the Astros called pitcher Eny Cabreja to spring training in 2003, they were told there was no such person. The guy who showed up was Wandy Rodriguez, who said that he had been using the name Eny Cabreja in the Dominican Summer League and in the minors, but that it wasn't his real name. He refused to elaborate. He still pitches for the Astros today. There is no evidence that Wandy he has ever met Whammy Douglas.

• 4. They Don't Know a Good Thing When They Have It. In 1963, when the team was known as the Colts, third-baseman Bob Aspromonte befriended an Arkansan Little Leaguer who had been blinded when struck by lightning. According to Astros Daily, the kid asked Aspromonte to hit him a home run on three separate occasions. Aspromonte, who hit only eight home runs that entire year, came through all three times, with two grand slams. But the Astros then allowed the kid to slip into anonymity (he reportedly regained his eysight), and Aspromonte went on to hit only 60 homers in a 13-year career.

(Monday: The Chicago White Sox)

Clemens says he plans to retire after the World Baseball Classic — he's pitching against South Africa on Friday — but says that if he's "in the stands in Boston or New York," he might want to come back again. So you know what that means.

Until then, we're pretty certain Roger will be hanging out on a tractor with Brett Favre in Mississippi.

Clemens Expects To Hang Them Up — For Now [USA Today]

From a Sports Illustrated story posted back in May:

I won't read too much into the story his wife, Debbie, told about how when she was preggers and taking BP from her husband, she sprayed a line drive off his leg and on the next pitch he beaned her. In his defense, her belly was hanging over the plate.

We have no idea if this story is true or not — we haven't been able to find it anywhere else on the Web — but if it's not true, man, it should be. We imagine Roger driving the streets of Houston, finding people who have wronged him in the last week — taking too long in a Starbucks line, listening to a radio station that doesn't exclusively play Alan Jackson, no longer honoring the free Subway sandwich stamps — and winging baseballs at their head.

Revealing Rocket [SI.com]
Roger Clemens Grounds His Son [Deadspin]

(No mention of Debbie Clemens is complete, by the way, without a mention of her rather brilliant Web site)

A 92 MPH missile toward the head — but a gentle 92 MPH, and a missile of love.

Clemens Brushes Back Son After Giving Up HR [MSNBC]

Renowned orthopedist Dr. James Andrews was expected to check the progress of Bagwell's right shoulder's mobility in Birmingham, Ala.

"Dr. Andrews suffered a heart attack over the weekend, so we don't know where his situation stands," [Astros general manager Tim] Purpura said.

Bagwell, who had surgery in June and returned in September, continues to work out and undergo extensive physical therapy in Houston in hopes of playing this year.

"I don't know what's going on," Bagwell said of the visit with Andrews.

Dr. James Andrews, of course, is the guy who mastered Dr. Frank Jobe's Tommy John surgery and is the foremost shoulder and knee guy; he's the reason John Smoltz, Kerry Wood, you name it, are still pitching today. Surely his heart attack is more worthy than a notebook tidbit in an offseason Houston Chronicle story. Come to think of it ... that story is the only place we've seen any mention of this. We hope Purpura just has his facts wrong, because a heart attack for one of the most influential doctors in sports would deserve, we think, a little more than, "Hey, what about my shoulder surgery?"

Bagwell Update [Houston Chronicle] (third item)

(Update: Sources confirm that Dr. Andrews did have a heart attack and is currently in intensive care. He is stable, however, and recovering. We wish him well.)

And yesterday, Oswalt got his bulldozer. Not metaphorically this time; like, for real.

"Each year, with our players, I ask them what their goals are," McLane said. "I said, 'Roy, what is one of your goals?' He said, 'To own a bulldozer.' That kind of took me back a little bit. I had never heard that before."

To be fair, Roger Clemens did once request to be called for a "Ditch Witch", though we think he meant a goatee trimmer.

Roy Oswalt, You Do Make Me Laugh [High And Tight]

The Assimilated Negro says this is because people don't care about teams that aren't in New York City, Boston or the Cubs ... and frankly, we're starting to kind of believe him. People moan about East Coast bias, but every year, when the Red Sox or Yankees are in the Series, the ratings improve. When they're not — even when the entrants are from Southern California or San Francisco, not exactly sleepy burgs — they fall through the floor. Even that dog of a series a couple of years ago between the Yankees and Marlins go