The Astros' May 5th game at Washington was called on account of rain, with the teams tied 10-10 in the eleventh. When the game resumed yesterday—in Houston this time, before their regularly scheduled game—Elijah Dukes was on first base and Joel Hanrahan was the pitcher of record for the Nationals. There were just a couple of snags. Dukes is in the minors and Hanrahan plays for Pittsburgh now.

Hanrahan, who pitched a scoreless top of the 11th inning for the Nationals back on May 5, was traded to the Pirates for Nyjer Morgan last month. Morgan pinch ran for Dukes in this game and promptly scored the winning run in the bottom of the 11th inning. That means Hanrahan got the win—his only one of the season—even though he's not on the team anymore and the man who scored the decisive run was playing for Pittsburgh when the game started. Interleague play is so confusing!

So if two of the worst teams in the National League combine their rosters, they're just good enough to beat Houston. I think I see a plan here ... or at least a hilarious sitcom.

Hanrahan earns victory on day off [MLB.com]

When Hurricane Ike rained on the party inside Minute Maid Park in Houston last weekend, Bud Selig infamously made the Astros play two games at a "neutral site", Milwaukee's Miller Park. As you can imagine, this was not well received in the Astros' clubhouse.

Houston, which had been red hot prior to Ike, promptly lost both games to the Cubs - one of which included a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano - and has now fallen into a late season tailspin. Bud Selig then had the brilliant idea of taking out a full-page ad in the Houston Chronicle, and expressed "profound sorrow" for all that was lost in the storm.

The 'Stros weren't having any of it.

“Major League Baseball has always valued the dollar more than they do the individual, the players and their families,” Lance Berkman said. “That’s illustrated in things like playing through a lightning storm in Chicago (on Aug. 4)."

“The thing is we had days at the end of the season that we could have played a single game plus a doubleheader if need be,” Doug Brocail said. “And to make us go up and play at North Wrigley like we had to on no sleep, it was absolutely ridiculous. If it was New York or Boston, it would have been played at the end of the season. I truly believe that, and I think 99.9 percent of our teammates believe that. But no, we’re the Houston Astros.”

Looks like another tremendous moment for the Bud Selig Era.

With Selig, it’s all about money [Houston Chronicle]
'Profound Sorrow' of Selig Not Enough for Astros [The Sporting Blog]

Baseball obviously takes a distant second to more serious issues but in terms of making the Astros road to the playoffs much more challenging, this change of events could really hurt their chances.

While the Cubs had a typical three game weekend series scheduled in Houston, they will play one of those games on Sunday evening and another on Monday afternoon. The third game will be played, if needed to determine a playoff spot, on September 29th.

One interesting fact about the games being moved to Miller Park in Milwaukee is that the upper deck and bleachers sections will be closed to fans. The only effect that will have on the game is to mimic the vibe of some place a little more sunny, like say Tampa Bay.

Are the Brewers the New Mets?

Milwaukee, who looked to be cruising into the post season just a few short weeks ago, has dropped 9 of 12 including yesterday’s loss at the hands of the Phillies ace Cole Hamels.

The Phillies got things going early on Saturday and scored 5 runs in the first two innings following the lead off hits by Jimmy Rollins in both frames. Ryan Howard says what all of Philadelphia knows, "Jimmy's the catalyst. When he goes, we go.”

Inclement weather has also set up the Phillies and Brewers to play two games today at Citizens Bank Park with the Brewers sitting two ahead in the NL wild card hunt. Two Phillies wins today would put the Fightins in a tie with the floundering Brew Crew.

If J-Roll can find a groove over the next two weeks, the Phillies are in the playoffs.

I’ve Got a Splitting Head Ache This Morning

There were all sorts of double headers yesterday with Boston-Toronto splitting a pair as well as the Yankess-Rays and the Mets-Braves. The second Mets loss was particularly enjoyable because it came in a game started by Johan Santana. New York’s bullpen must hate that guy and we love them for it.

Surging Twins

While the White Sox sat idle due to the weather, Minnesota went out and took two from the O’s to move into a tie with Chicago atop the Central. Baltimore, who has lost 17 of 20, was hoping the rest of their season could get rained out.

Fading Diamonds

Arizona lost in extra innings last night after the Reds managed to come from behind earlier in the game. To rub a little more salt in the wound, it was former Diamondback Micah Owings, the “player to be named later” in the Adam Dunn deal, who drove in the winning run for Cincinnati.

Zambrano will be examined today. He threw 86 pitches and gave up three runs on five hits and three walks, striking out three. In his previous start against the Pirates, he gave up six runs in 4⅓ innings. Geoff Blum hit a two-run homer in the 11th off of Kerry Wood to win it. Jim Edmonds hit homer No. 17 in the seventh for Chicago.

Any way you look at it the Cubs are in trouble, and this didn't help. Yeah, we want some of that awesome Blackhawks mojo to get us over the top.

Here's the situation: Chicago is 4 1/2 up on the second-place Brewers in the Central with 23 to play. But any team that's 0-for-the-past-two-centuries has to be thinking about the health of its pitching staff for the playoffs. Zambrano has a dead arm, Rich Harden's next start has been pushed back to Sept. 11 in St. Louis (that's a long freakin' rest), Ryan Dempster, who is starting for the first time since 2003, is on pace for 200 innings. And where is Fukudome again?

There is only one reasonable solution to all of this, of course: Rooftop wedding! You stay focused, Cubs fans.

Pregame Thread [Bleed Cubbie Blue]
Zambrano Departs Early As Astros Nip Cubs In Extras [USA Today]

The Astros have indicated that if another team doesn’t claim Chacon by Monday, they'll release him and terminate his contract. The player's association will have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever! “Based on the information we have to date, we believe the Astros’ response violates the Basic Agreement,” union general counsel Michael Weiner said. “If Shawn Chacon clears waivers and is released, we will pursue appropriate relief on his behalf.” If Chacon is released Monday, $983,607 of his $2 million salary would be in dispute.

Chacon’s agent, Dan Horwits, said he would wait to see if his client clear waivers before he addresses whether a grievance would be filed. “This is America, you always get a second chance,” Astros pitcher Wesley Wright said. “Hopefully things will work out in his favor and our favor and after ties are cut with the Astros he can move on somewhere else and be successful.” The good news: Pitcher Runelvys Hernandez was called up from Class AAA Round Rock to take Chacon’s spot on the roster.

• Walkabout. Albert Pujols was 4-for-4 in his return, but the Cardinals lost to the Tigers 3-2 when Clete Thomas drew a bases-loaded walk in the 10th. Way to spoil Will's last day, Leyland. St. Louis reliever Mike Parisi (0-4) gave up a leadoff single to Curtis Granderson and intentionally walked Carlos Guillen and Miguel Cabrera before Thomas drew his second run-scoring walk of the day.

• Sing A Sad Song For Phils . Oakland's Rich Harden (5-0) struck out 11 and retired the first 14 batters before giving up a clean single to Shane Victorino, the Athletics beating the Phillies 5-0. Harden gave up two hits over eight innings.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Cody Ross, Florida Marlins. Great catch, but Cody Ross was certainly not bothered by any unruly fans in the outfield on this grab near the fence in center. It looks like a scene from I Am Legend. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands. Wizard Cat gives Marlins fans: Zero wands.

We had the closest thing to it when Astros soon-to-be-ex-pitcher Shawn Chacon attacked Houston general manager Ed Wade. The dispute seemed to be over a meeting that Chacon refused to attend in manager Cecil Cooper's office. Chacon was rather upfront about the "exchange."

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling me. Then I stood up and said 'you better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him because at that point I wanted to beat his (butt). Words were exchanged."

Nice. You likely won't be seeing Chacon in an Astros jersey again, which seems odd; sure, if we punched our boss, we'd be out of a job ... but then again, Gawker Media doesn't have the pitching problems the Astros do.

A reader helpfully sends in Chacon's new baseball card.

When Miguel Tejada met 8-year-old Jacob Scott on Friday, he was so touched by the little boy with muscular dystrophy he promised him a home run. Tejada fulfilled his vow to the youngster by hitting the first of three straight Houston home runs in a 7-4 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. The Astros hit five homers in the game.

"I was so excited," said Tejada, who'd never promised a home run before. "I know it's hard to tell someone you'll hit a home run and do it. But today when I went to lunch with this kid I wanted him to be happy. So I told him I'd do it."

We would like to see Tom Farrey interview Tejada afterwards. "Isn't it true that you actually promised him a ball over the left field wall, rather than over the right? Mr. Tejada? Mr. Tejada? Where are you going?"

Miguel Tejada Gets His Babe Ruth On [MachoChip]
ESPN Plays To Catch A Predator [Deadspin]

Most journalists we've talked to dream of moments like this; you have a guy you know is lying to you, lies to you to your face and then you NAIL him as he scurries away. Everyone else, you know, regular people, think reporter Tom Farrey trapped Tejada and purposely embarrassed him on camera. (In uniform, no less!)

Frankly, we tend to veer toward the latter camp, despite, you know, being ostensibly (theoretically?) a journalist. As Shakedownsports puts it:

E:60's ambush of Miguel Tejada was flat out wrong. It was television at its lowest point. Pure exploitation in order to get ratings. What did Tejada do to deserve being lured into a studio and left bare in front of a camera on live tape-delayed TV? This isn't "To Catch a Predator." Nobody can think to themselves that the guy on camera deserved what he got. Nobody can think ESPN was helping out it's viewers by calling attention to Tejada's real age. It was simply entrapment. Tom Ferry tricked Tejada into lying and then he had the brazeness to keep yelling questions as Tejada left the room.

It is telling that Tejada took tougher questioning about his age than he ever has about steroids.

Apparently there was some sort of pregame argument between Pujols and Houston's Brandon Backe, and that did not spell good news for the Astros. Although Pujols downplayed it. "No matter who gets me mad or doesn't get me mad, I'm going to go out there and play the game the right way every time,'' he said. From AP: "The exchange lasted a few minutes. It involved yelling and ended with Astros manager Cecil Cooper putting his arm across Backe and guiding him away from Pujols. It apparently was over Pujols sliding into Astros catcher J.R. Towles in the eighth inning of the Cardinals' win over the Astros on Tuesday, an event Pujols had already apologized to Towles for." Pujols also had a run-scoring single and Rick Ankiel had two RBI. It was Pujols' first homers of the season. Bradon Looooooper! allowed five hits and three runs in 5 2/3 innings, striking out four. St. Louis is 7-2 in the Central, a half-game up on the second-place Brewers.

• Tigers Win! Tigers Win! Cigarettes for everyone! After scoring only 15 runs during an 0-7 start, Detroit rolled several runs off the assembly line to beat the Red Sox 7-2. Marcus Thames and Carlos Guillen homered, Edgar Renteria had three hits and Ivan Rodriguez got the 2,500th hit of his career for the Tigers, who also drew eight walks. Well, that helps.

• And Now Even The Mets Are Winning. The Mets beat the Phillies? Must be some sort of mixup. Of course, Philly was playing without Jimmy Rollins, but New York still broke a nine-game losing streak to their hated rival, winning 8-2. Eric Bruntlett and his Magic Fingers made two errors at short — he was filling in for the injured Rollins — and Phillies starter Kyle Kendrick walked six in the first two innings. The paradoxically named Angel Pagan had a two-run double for the Mets.

• Taste The Rockies. Oh Braves, your pitching is so good. Yorvit Torrealba had a three-run homer in a six-run third as the Rockies won their third straight, 12-6. Atlanta used three pitchers; two with ERAs of more than 15.00.

• Now What's Going On Here? Hard to imagine any kid taking a hard line on trading his Zack Greinke baseball cards, but that's the way it could be shaping up. It's Greinke Fever! He threw eight scoreless innings to lead the Royals to a 4-0 win over the Yankees, improving to 2-0 with an 0.60 ERA. KC (6-2) leads the Central Division. Baltimore (AL East) and Florida (NL East) are also in first, in case you are asked.

In fact, our pick makes our stomach turn over a bit, but alas. We think this division's going to be a lot better than people think.

1. Chicago Cubs. We're not ready to go with the "they win the World Series in the 100th year" business, but the lineup is starting to scare us a little.
2. Milwaukee Brewers. These guys reek of slow starters, followed by the firing of Ned Yost, followed by a crazy run to the wild card.
3. Houston Astros. This franchise is absolutely dead in two years. Their last gasp will push them into third place. Congrats, guys.
4. St. Louis Cardinals. The lineup should surprise — watch Brian Barton, kids — but man, is that really Todd Wellemeyer in the rotation? Heavens.
5. Cincinnati Reds. No longer will these guys sucker us in. It'll be fun to see who Griffey goes to, though.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: Yes, yes, the Pirates are still around. Nice stadium too.

We type all this through gritted teeth. Your thoughts? Tomorrow, the National League West.

Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Houston Astros. Your author is Whitney Pastorek.

Whitney Pastorek is a senior writer for Entertainment Weekly magazine. Her words are after the jump.

—————————————

A brief anecdote, if you'll permit it:

On May 22 of last year, I drove to San Francisco to see the Astros play the Giants. The game itself was nothing to remember — my scorecard says it was a 4-2 loss, a three-run Giants rally in the 6th nailing our offense-averse coffin shut — but the dude sitting five rows in front of me on that sunny, cool day will be forever burned on my brain. He'd taken notice of my Biggio jersey, and his taunting started with something light and predictable: The Astros sucked, and could I please show him my tits.

I politely ate my garlic fries, and tried not to encourage him. But by the middle innings, the hundred or so patrons seated in our narrow, isolated splashdown gallery were paying more attention to that dude's hollering than to the game itself, because he was unrelenting. At some point in the 7th — or maybe the 8th, I was too irritated to write it down — Dude tired of insulting the current Astros lineup/my anatomy, and moved on to an impressive historical soliloquy involving Houston icons from eras past. "Mike Scott scuffs balls!" he yelled, over and over. "He's a ball-scuffer! Mike Scott scuffs balls!" Against my better judgment, I lashed out to defend my childhood in the only way I know how: "Your mom scuffs balls," I said. The gallery exploded. "Ooooooooooooh!" they cried. Dude sat down and shut up, finally, finally, finally. Somewhere in Texas, I like to think Mike Scott smiled.

I've never had a particularly good experience in San Francisco, honestly — the next day, I returned to the former PacBell to see the Astros lose again, this time by eight runs in front of an entire stadium full of asshats, the kinds of dudes who taunt Morgan Ensberg for kicks; I mean, who taunts Morgan Ensberg?? — but I tell this story to illustrate an important point w/r/t this season's Houston Astros. You see, for the first time, I think I understand the root of the Bay Area's hostility, and I'd like to personally apologize to all Giants fans for judging them without fully comprehending their angst. I now know just how hard it must have been to find your joy with that Barry Bonds guy running around, and I forgive you for lashing out. Because the exact same thing is happening to my Astros, and I think it's making me into a not-so-nice person.

In fact, I'd argue that hacking through the choking media jungle of an ongoing steroids investigation is worse for us Astros fans, because for so many seasons we've been able to happily mind our own business, situated both metaphorically and geographically below the radar. We spent a decade or so accumulating one of the best records in baseball, but still got treated like some mid-market franchise followed by trailer-dwelling methnecks. We drew over three million fans a year, but all anyone saw was the Bush family behind home plate. We made it to our first World Series after a miraculous late-season comeback, and all anyone cared to point out was the slightly racialist lack of African-Americans on the team. Our Hall of Famer second baseman retired, and all anyone knew about him was that he got plunked a lot. But the more I think about it, this debased existence was actually preferable to what's happening now. Now, I log on to my hometown newspaper's sports page, and the only pertinent information about the 2008 Houston Astros' baseball-playing roster is relegated to a side column entitled "Astros Notes." Astros NOTES??

So I'm not going to specifically address the hubris-riddled pitcher who's hanging around like Wooderson with a national press corps in tow. I'm going to save my rant about our too-loyal owner and his tendency to reject common sense for the next time I'm in a Texas sports bar. I shall not address the trade that brought a Mitchell Report-named shortstop to our city a suspiciously short 24 hours before said naming. And I will certainly not go off on a long tangent about congressmen who would rather poke about the checking accounts of athletes than worry about this little war project they started a while back, or sports columnists who waste valuable inches debating who did what to whom in the Billiard Room with Colonel Mustard and a syringe when there are 53 men in Kissimmee, Florida, warming up to play a new season of a wonderful sport that we all love, despite its faults.

Twenty-eight of the 53 players who reported to the Astros' spring training facility this year are new. If you are good at math, you will see that this is more than 50 percent of the roster. I don't know if that's a normal thing for other teams, but it is not often in the modern Astros era that we fans have been asked to throw ourselves behind a group of total strangers. For the majority of my adult life, Biggio and Bagwell have been there to keep us anchored, and it is really—I cannot emphasize this enough—REALLY bizarre to think that the Killer B's will no longer buzz at the Juice Box. The phrase "end of an era" was invented for times like these.

Add to my growing hostility a tremendous sense of confusion, for plenty of other, more recent constants are gone as well: our rotating bench of weak-hitting utility men with four-letter last names; our fragile, broken closer; the entire left side of our infield. Brad Ausmus is hanging in there, but not for long. Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are, I suspect, pretty damn lonely. Geoff Blum came back, so that's something. It never hurts to have a Jose Cruz on your team. But our starting rotation looks like it was cobbled together in the final round of a very drunken and not-particularly-astute fantasy draft, and, like, Darin Erstad? Where the hell did he come from? Am I looking at the Angels roster by mistake? Who are these people?

Here's the weird thing, though. If I put my optimism hat on for a second — and it ain't easy, but I'll do it for you, Deadspin readers — I can see a decent lineup. Roll with me now: Michael Bourn is an unproven entity, but he's got exciting potential and blazing speed. Kaz Matsui is coming off a strong season in Colorado, having at last shaken off the ghosts of his frustrating Mets career. Speaking of former Mets now using their powers for good, Ty Wigginton turned in a decent second half after joining us last July. Carlos Lee is solid as a (giant, lumbering) rock, and Berkman should bounce back if he can stop pulling weird muscles. Hunter Pence should continue along his superstar trajectory if he can stop walking into sliding glass doors. J.R. Towles shows promise behind the plate, and I've got faith that Ausmus will be a terrific mentor for both him and the awesomely-named Humberto Quintero in the months to come. (Just don't let Brad near batting practice.)

Finally, Miguel Tejada is, my god, MIGUEL TEJADA. I don't care if he's eating babies to keep his stats up, so long as they stay up.

Another important factor to consider: We had the best pitching in the league for a couple years there, but we couldn't hit our way out of a T-ball tournament. We've now flipped that equation. If Oswalt stays in character, and Backe comes back strong, and Wandy learns to pitch in cities other than Houston, and Woody Williams sells his soul to the devil, and Paulino continues to mature, and Shawn Chacon—well, never mind so much about him—I think they can maybe hold down the fort long enough for our offense to do some damage. And then they can hand things off to our shiny new bullpen, a bullpen that is guaranteed to work better than last year, when it wasn't so much "closer by committee" as it was "a bunch of pitchers whose reliability hovered somewhere between a drunk Lindsay Lohan and a 1962 Chevy Corvair." Now we've got an exciting setup guy, Oscar Villarreal, and an even more exciting (if totally batshit insane) closer, José Valverde, to bring us home. I don't know if they're Pujols-proof, per se, but I think the days of wanting to shoot myself in the 7th inning are over for the time being.

The 2008 Houston Astros, in other words and despite all the chaos it took to get us here, do not look that bad on paper. Of course, no one can get hurt — and I swear to god, Berkman, if you even think about playing flag football this summer, I will come down to Second Baptist and lock you in the bowling alley myself. But if everyone plays at the top of their potential, I see no reason why we can't put together a winning record with the tools at hand. Most prognosticators have us ranked third or fourth in the division, but if there's one word you can use to describe the NL Central, it's "sucky," and so as far as I'm concerned, anything is possible. I think we've got a real shot at pulling this off. Maybe. I called a couple of my sources. They do not think I am completely off the mark with this assessment. I think they're just as confused as I am.

So, um, let's go 'Stros! You may be getting decimated in Spring Training, but I'll still see you in San Diego for Opening Day. Hopefully by that time, the Steroidal Eye of Sauron will have turned its gaze elsewhere, and we can get back to the simple pleasures of hitting and catching and running and spitting and scratching. I'll be there every step of the way, even if I don't know the first thing about most of you guys. I like meeting new people! And when I make my annual pilgrimage to San Francisco this summer, Giants fans, garlic fries are on me. I will not show you my tits, but garlic fries are on me.

FBI agents in Washington opened the case a little more than two weeks after both Clemens and McNamee appeared at the same House hearing on Feb. 13, each accusing the other of lying. "The request to open an investigation on the congressional testimony of Roger Clemens has been turned over to the FBI and will receive appropriate investigative action by the Washington Field Office," said FBI spokeswoman Debra Weierman.

Meanwhile, the Astros are distancing themselves. This is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better.

FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]
Congress Decides That It's Time ... For The Comfy Chair! [Deadspin]
Astros Owner Might Reconsider Clemens Deal [MSNBC]

In a letter sent Wednesday to Attorney General Michael Mukasey, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Henry Waxman and ranking Republican Tom Davis said Clemens' testimony that he "never used anabolic steroids or human growth hormone warrants further investigation."

Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, who claimed under oath that he injected the pitcher with HGH, is not expected to undergo further investigation.

"We didn't think Roger Clemens was telling the truth," Waxman said. "We feel it's important for (the Justice Department) to take a special look at this (and) see if any laws were violated. It's going to be up to them" whether Clemens will be prosecuted.

So, this is a long way from being over, kids. And despite your protests, you know you want it.

UPDATE: The FBI has officially opened an investigation into Clemens' testimony. Uh oh.

Congress Wants Justice To Investigate Clemens [MSNBC]
Hey Federal Government, Can I Just Burn My Money Instead? [Cousins Of Ron Mexico]
Steroids and the Government — The KB High Horse Rides Again [The KB]
Congress Removes Cushions, Sends Dogs After Clemens [Mind Rite Sports]
FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]

While Clemens told the Houston Astros he will begin his 10-year "post retirement'' contract to work with minor-league players, the 45-year-old hasn't officially retired, Randy Hendricks said.

"Playing next year is still an option, even if a reduced one from prior years,'' Hendricks said in an e-mail yesterday.

We're not sure how much more abbreviated Clemens' contract could become at this point; we suspect that next year, he will just show up in the top of the first, throw one pitch and then walk off the field with his cap held high in the air. And that pitch will, of course, be directly aimed at the batter's head.

We do encourage him to come back, though; it might be fun to see him pitching in a post-Mitchell report world.

Clemens May Pitch Next Year On A Shorter Schedule, Agent Says [Bloomberg]