•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

•Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

•••••

Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.

I'm not a gambling man (because that's illegal and wrong in my state), but it has been pointed out that the Texans were favored at home on Monday Night Football, yet somehow failed to win. Or maybe someone's fantasy team needed about 200 total yards and a passing touchdown? What other reasons can you think of that would make a ref feel inclined to give one up top to the winning quarterback?

Actually, I know what it is. High-fiving is just an instinct. No matter how you feel about someone, no matter impartial you're supposed to pretend to be ... you just can't leave a man hanging like that.

Hey, buddy. High five!

Honorable Mention: New York Islanders goaltender Dwayne Roloson made 58 saves last night to beat ... oh, I'm sorry, it was just the Maple Leafs. Most of their shots probably just slowly skidded to a stop before they got to him.

Want to nominate someone for Last Night's Winner? Send me an email at dashiell@deadspin.com.

Domestic drafts at Reliant Stadium are now served in minuscule 20-ounce cups, instead of the 24-ouncers from last season. One observant fan realized he wasn't as drunk as he should be and did the math, which in all honesty is a better way to spend his time than actually watching preseason football:

We took an empty $7.75 beer cup home Saturday. It was $7.50 last year and when I filled it with water and poured that into one of last year's cups it came up 4 oz. short. After all that publicity about "specials" for the 'down economy' they've pulled a "bait and switch".

While the move is partially due to the NFL's new crackdown on binge drinking, it's also a tricky way for the team to boast they're not raising concessions prices during the recession.

If we'd served 24 ounces this year, the price would be higher," [Houston's VP of Communications] said. But, he added, referring to the NFL initiative, "Honestly, it was more of a responsibility decision. It wasn't a business decision. ... We as the Texans wanted to do the most responsible thing."

The most responsible thing would be to bump the serving size back up to 24 ounces after Matt Schaub inevitably goes down.

Reliant Stadium Beers Are Less Filling In 2009 [Houston Chronicle]

1. They still haven't told everyone to go fuck themselves. If you recall, it was everyone – you, me, your gay uncle, your biological dad who now lives in Haiti – who cruelly mocked the Texans for drafting defensive end Mario Williams first overall in 2006 instead of Vince Young or Reggie Bush. Even Chuck Klosterman stopped listening to Ratt records in an ironically sincere manner to pile on, busting out the ALL CAPS…

REGGIE BUSH IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TACKLE. HE IS WAY, WAY BETTER THAN ALL OF THE OTHER DUDES WHO ARE ELIGIBLE TO BE DRAFTED. WHEN REGGIE BUSH IS RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL, THOSE ATTEMPTING TO KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND CANNOT SEEM TO DO SO. THIS QUALITY IS ADVANTAGEOUS WITHIN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL, AS THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE TOTALITY OF THE SPORT.

Obviously, this decision is wolf-face crazy. It's the kind of decision you make when you are drunk, and on cocaine, and on deadline, and on fire. It's going to define the future of the Houston franchise, and it will potentially wreck it (at least for a decade).

There's a very special feeling you get when you make the correct decision about something when everyone else has gone the other way. This is particularly prevalent in sports. If you bet on one team no one is picking, and they win, you get that smug, Simmonsesque sense of self-satisfaction, the kind that makes you feel entitled to be a real asshole for at least three days. But the Texans have yet to rub everyone's face in it. They just maintain a completely professional levelheadedness with regards to the whole thing. And that's gay. If I were Bob McNair, I'd call a press conference every week. Then I'd say, "Hey, you guys remember when you made fun of us for taking Mario Williams?" Then I'd take my dick out.

2. They gave this guy $2.4 million guaranteed.

3. They still don't give a shit about fielding a decent o-line. Fun fact: In the entire history of the franchise, the Texans have used a first or second round pick on an offensive lineman exactly twice, and only once in the past six years. Last year, the Texans gave up 32 sacks, and that was the second lowest tally in team history. Wonder why Matt Schaub gets hurt so often?

4. Their 3rd string quarterback is…

Ooh, I like this Andre Johnson fella. He lets me go deep. Way deep. Fucking shoulder-in-your-asshole deep. You think being buried behind Matt Schaub and end zone boy is gonna keep the fucking dragon from being unleashed? You got another thing coming. And that other thing coming will be your vagina, coming all over your hot pants. Book it. THE SEX CANNON LOVES HIMSELF SOME HUMID TEXAS PUSSY.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

If you missed the tale, offensive lineman Dan Stevenson (who has never played a game in the NFL) filed a grievance with the league after he was hurt doing full contact blocking drills during a Houston mini-camp last spring. Such drills are prohibited during spring practice by the NFL's collective bargaining agreement. He was one of three Texans players to suffer season-ending injuries in those drills last year.

Everyone seems to say—not surprisingly—that this sort of things goes on all time. Chris Mortensen (I know) and Mark Schlereth (I believe) actually seemed to defend the practice on ESPN Radio, saying that coaches routinely ask players to participate in full-speed, full-contact drills and that "technically" it is a violation—but that if they didn't do it, even more players would get hurt when training camp opens. ("You need me on that wall," etc.) In other words ... suck it up, pussies.

So the union actually tries to protect its players—then everyone looks the other way in the name of "old school" toughness. Then as life spans are shortened and debilitating injuries mount, they all look around with shrugged shoulders and ask who could have let this happen.

Although, I'm still confused... are the Texans 8-8 because their coaches get players hurt in meaningless off-season drills or are they 8-8 because their players are whiny bitches?

Outside The Lines: Illegal Contact [ESPN]
Commentary: Texans' risk outweighs any reward [Houston Chronicle]
Breaking News: Texans Cheat, Still Suck [4th and 50]

Rosenfels turned it over three times as the Colts somehow won, 31-27. How bad are things for the Texans right now? Their fans are actually switching over to soccer. From the Houston Chronicle message boards:

• Richard, This is absolute garbage. Let's support real futbol. Houston Dynamo—First Place in Western Conference and a team that knows how to play with a lead. — Coach H

It's all enough to drive Hank Hill absolutely freaking nuts.

Texans Fumble Away Chance At First Victory [Houston Chronicle]

• Falcons first round draft pick Matt Ryan made a decent effort in Atlanta's 20-17 win over the Jaguars. He completed 9 of 15 passes for 113 yards and a touchdown pass to Roddy White. Yeah, you remember Roddy "Free Mike Vick" White. But with 37 QB choices and the starting position up for grabs, who will actually get the job is still up in the air.

• Dallas went down in a 31-17 loss to the Chargers. Adam "Not Pacman" Jones made his return the the NFL for the Cowboys and Phillip Rivers is showing no ill effects from his off-season knee surgery. No word yet on whether Jessica Simpson was in attendance. Also no word on when we can stop calling Dallas "America's Team".

• Other scores of the day: Redskins over Bills (17-14), Titans over Rams (34-13), Panthers over Colts (23-20), Buccaneers over Dolphins (17-6)

This year, the previews will be a little shorter, but will hopefully give us enough of a taste so that, come fall, we'll all be officially sick of previews.

If you'd like to volunteer to write one for this year, please email me at ajd@deadspin.com There are still some teams in desperate search of an author.

Right now: the lovable Houston Texans. Your author is Matthew Campbell.

Matt Campbell is the founder of Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco

His words are after the jump.

I get the question a lot. “Texans fan, huh,” they ask. “How’d that happen?” As if I’d just told them I shit my pants. “How did you wind up following them?” They always stressed the “them” the same way I imagine Republican households do when referring to black people. I used to try to explain myself, but even I had to admit that it seemed strange on the surface. Eventually, I stopped trying and simply answered with a shrug.

As any Texans fan will tell you, the true test of our fandom came on April 29, 2006, when the team drafted Mario Williams. On that day, the fanbase divided quickly into three distinct groups. There were those that loved the pick. I was in that group, along with about nine other people. There were those that hated the pick but were still loyal to the team. And there were those who said to hell with the team and let their fandom follow the Vince Young to the Baby-Eating Sister-Fuckers. (Note: This last group of people, along with all other Titans fans, can feel free to burn in Hell with the dark lord, Bud Adams.)

To make matters worse for the groups who remained loyal, 2006 was anything but a fun year. Mario suffered an early foot injury and, though he played well, the Texans finished 6-10. Meanwhile, Vince Young was gently fluffed by the media and Reggie Bush made the playoffs, where he was appropriately greeted by Sheldon Brown. All season long, ESPN and other bastions of journalistic standards openly mocked the Texans’ decision to skip the Two Surefire Guaranteed 100% Hall Of Famers in favor of The Biggest Bust In The History Of The Universe.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the Hall of Fame. In 2007, Reggie Bush blossomed into a huge vagina too afraid to run between the tackles. (No offense to vaginas.) Vince took a step backward and was nothing short of horrific as a passer, possibly because he ate paint chips as a child. (Random side note, for those who will chime in with “Yeah, but Vince just wins games”: Radio’s career record: 17-11. “Choker” Rex Grossman’s? 19-11.) At the same time, Mario took a gigantic dump in the mouths of those who doubted him, posting 14 sacks, including 3.5 on his Thursday night prime time debut, and dominating down the stretch, even as teams double- and triple-teamed him.

For those who were in Mario’s camp from the get-go, there is a feeling of satisfaction as we watch the rest of the world realize what we’ve known all along—Mario is better than Jesus. Those two guys we passed on? Please. There is no way Jesus Christ would have twice as many INTs and TDs, and, even in sandals, ol’ JC could certainly average more than 3.7 yards per carry. (Hell, even Ron Dayne averaged more than 4 yards per carry last year.)

But Jesus could never stop Mario Williams. Never. You walk on water? Great, see if that helps you with this swim move. Didn’t think so. Jesus would have better luck trying to teach Vince Young to read.

So, in the end, you can keep your overhyped Eric Metcalf clone, your poor man’s Randall Cunningham, and your Almighty Lord and Savior. I’ll take Mario.

It's the Broncos vs. the Texans, and the best we can say about the game is that it will definitely, 100 percent not feature David Carr. Since most of you won't be able to watch it, if you're salivatingly desperate for fan updates, here's Mile High Report and Texans Locker.

But we're sure you're not that desperate. We just wanted to remind you to update your fantasy lineup. It's the playoffs, after all.

Let's take a look, for example, at Randi. She's 19, she loves the UFC and her goal is to be a cosmetologist/esthetician. And thanks to the fine folks at HoustonTexans.com, with the push of one button, you can make her dance. You can also do the charming, respectful "360 View," which turns her around so that you might see her from all angles. We are actively surprised to not see Aubrey Huff anywhere on that page.

Randi 360 [HoustonTexans.com]
Texans Cheerleader Page Not Demeaning At All [End Zone Buzz]

As always, we know nothing.

Last year, we asked some of our favorite writers to opine why Their Favorite Team Was Better Than Yours. Ultimately, we found this constrictive, and it also might have killed James Frey. So this time, we've just asked them to just run free, talk about their team, their experience as a fan, their hopes, their dreams, their desires for oral sex. All our teams are now assigned; if you sent us an email and we didn't get back to you, we're sorry, and we accept your scorn. But today: The Houston Texans.

Your author is Whitney Pastorek, a staff writer for Entertainment Weekly. Her words are after the jump.

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Upon the announcement that Atlanta had sent backup QB Matt Schaub to the Texans, who promptly released long-time QB and black hole of football death David Carr back into the wild, I took my No. 8 jersey and covered the crooked "CARR" on the back with a piece of duct tape reading "SCHAUB."

I'm not going to miss Carr much, but I also bear him no particular ill will. It's not like he arrived as a mercenary, professed allegiance, and then followed his wallet right back out of town (*cough*I am upset with Clemens and Pettitte*cough¬*). No, Carr seemed genuine in his desire to see this franchise succeed. It's just that, well, he sucked. The ability to throw the occasional six-yard completion so long as the scary endzone isn't looming and no one is making too much noise doth not a professional quarterback make. I look forward to the increased, focused mobility of Matt Schaub — a man who, from everything I've seen, understands that he needs to get away from the men who are wearing the other team's uniform and chasing him around the field, and not just plop down with the ball because he's scared and knows the national press is going to blame it on the offensive line, anyway. I think he's already demonstrated that he's a nice guy, a true leader who's psyched to be out from under ol' Dogbreath Mexico's shadow. I want to like Schaub. I want him someday to warrant a jersey all his own. And maybe it's just that $49.99 in my pocket talking (I buy kid-sized jerseys), but I am very nearly what one might call "excited" about the 2007 Houston Texans.

In fact, I'll call it right now: We are breaking .500 this year. You heard me. I think a number of tiny Voltron pieces are finally clicking into place. Like how we only gave up 43 sacks in 2006, and I say "only" because Seattle gave up 49, and they went to the damn playoffs. Our first round draft pick, defensive tackle Amobi Okoye, may be all of 20 years old, but at least he ain't hiding at his mom's house, JaMarcus. On the offensive front, I've always sort of pictured the Texans as a bunch of really drooly three-legged golden retriever puppies who bounce around but don't come within a mile of fetching the Frisbee; hopefully, the veteran presence of Ahman Green will settle their energy a bit, and perhaps even function as a serviceable prosthetic fourth leg until science (or ownership) figures out how to grow us a real one. And hey, DeMeco Ryans is the reigning NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year! Also, we still have that Mario Williams fellow, somewhere! Look at us go! Wheeeeee!

Now, since I'm no good at responding to sports with anything other than raw emotion and awkward run-on sentences, I've called for backup in the form of Matt Campbell, proprietor of the outstanding Texans blog Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco, who rings in with the following intelligible keys to Houston success this season:

———————————————

1. Ahman Green being at least as good as he was last year. 1059 yards in 14 games blows away anything we've had. If he can play 15 or 16 games, rack up 1100 yards, and get in the end zone at least 8 times, we are sitting pretty.

2. The always-present "find a #2 WR." Granted, I think this is a little overblown—I mean, Andre Johnson has never had a real number 2 opposite him and he's still put up great numbers—but it's important in terms of developing the offense. I want Jacoby Jones in that role by mid-season, but I just want production from anyone early on.

3. The development of Mario Williams and Amobi Okoye. For the former, it's time to put up: I say with zero exaggeration, anything less than 10 sacks is unacceptable. As far as Okoye goes, I don't expect him to be a Pro Bowler, but he sure needs to be visible when he's in the game. If he is disappearing for long stretches, Houston, we have a problem.

[Whitney: Matt, please do not use that turn of phrase. Matt: Sorry.]

4. Somewhat related to #3, we have to beat Tennessee at least once this year. If Vince Young goes off for two more wins, especially with no team around him, I don't know that Mario will ever fully recover in the casual fan's eyes. Well, I mean, 20 sacks this season might counter it a little, but there'll always be the "can't beat Vince" and "Vince just wins games" talk.

5. Figure out a long-term plan for the secondary. Dunta Robinson may or may not be as good as we think he is. Petey Faggins is nowhere near as good as people want to think he is. (Though he would be our best nickel CB... if someone would just put him there.) The safties were so underwhelming last year that we have old CBs trying a position switch this summer. Ugh. This team needs to take real stock of what it has, admit that—barring something miraculous—our first round pick has to be a DB of some form, and be willing to try Bennett/Harrison if the incumbents keep stinking up the joint.

———————————————-

Thank you, Matt, for that insightful analysis and perspective. I hope everyone reading takes the time to frequent your blog over the course of the upcoming season. I'm sure that all those interested in the growth and progress of this still-young Houston team will want to check in regularly to...

Oh, wait. Does anyone out there in Deadspin land actually care about the Texans, or are you all just reading this so you can make "Wow, that had way more words than the Shaw Report" jokes in the comments? I know there's a handful of legitimate fans around here — a couple of Houston residents, one or two displaced natives, whoever's got Andre Johnson on their fantasy team — but is anybody else really sitting at their desk, quivering with anticipation at what the future has in store for the starry-eyed toro squad?

No. No, they are not. No one really gives much of a shit about the Texans at all. For, as I've outlined before, the history of football in Houston — nay, all Houston sports, if you do not count the MLS, which it's been my experience this Web site does not — is a checkered one, and a kind of sniffly checker at that. The Oilers encapsulated futility as a franchise, and upon its inception in 2002, the Texans franchise took one look at "futility" and said, "You want us to do what???" Then the Texans franchise ran for the blankie of ineptitude,and pulled that fuzzy yellow wool right over its head. Every now and again, it peeks out just long enough to win a game. Last year, one of those wins even came against Indy. But this is a new thing they're trying, and no one's quite sure how it happened. Still, for all of us paying attention, it was our Super Bowl.

And that's really the thing, I've decided, that makes being a Texans fan so much damn fun. For every game in which we opt to stay conservative in regulation against Tennessee, thus heading to overtime and handing Vince Young a silver platter with which to shove our non-drafting of him down our guilty, embarrassed little throats, there's a joyous victory — our 27-7 mauling of Jacksonville, for example — that defies all logic. Those are great Sundays. And the fact that they're few and far between — well, maybe that just makes them better. It must get really boring to be a Patriots fan, like someone telling you Christmas is going to be twice a week now and, dammit, you are going to love every minute of it or else. For without the lows, how do you recognize the highs? To be a Texans fan is to experience the full range of human emotion, to know what it means to hurt, to fail, to rage against the dying of the light. To be a Texans fan is to live. And I don't know about you, consistently-victorious-football-team followers, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I think.

LUV YA BLUE 4 EVAH

"OK, now everybody listen up. The key to being a successful Houston Texan is to ... wait ... is HGH legal in football? No? Oh, well, don't worry: Take it anyway, you'll sit out four games, no one will care, it's the NFL. Anyway, what was I saying? Dancing. Yes. Dancing is ... you gotta ..."

(passes out)

Evander Talks To Texans [AP Photo]