How To Win Your First Week At A New Job

The nice thing about a new job is that it probably won’t start sucking immediately. It’ll be easy at first—kind of like the first week of class, where the only thing expected of you is your presence and appropriate clothing (anything beyond pajamas). But unlike the first week of school, your first week here is the… » 5/19/15 3:29pm Tuesday 3:29pm

A Semi-Competent Father's Guide To Volunteering At Your Kid's School

One of the best parts of being a dad in public is the generalized expectation that you are basically a greased-up Kevin James playing banana-cream-pie Jenga with the Queen Mum. Remember those early solo outings with your baby and the generously low bar that you were held to? Doors held open, the fawning looks from the… » 5/18/15 2:52pm Monday 2:52pm

How To Grill A Whole Fish, Because It's Just The Best Thing To Do

There are many good reasons for grilling whole fish. The skin and bones keep the flesh moist and flavorful; the skin itself, when cooked well, is life-changingly delicious; whole fish stands up better to grilling heat than a fillet or fish steak will; whole fish usually costs less by weight than the portioned stuff;… » 5/16/15 11:41am Saturday 11:41am

How To Fight A Debt-Collection Letter

At some point in this unblemished modern world of ours, you’re going to receive a letter claiming that you owe someone money. If it’s a real debt from a real bank or collections agency, then, yeah, unfortunately, you’re going to have to pay at least some of it somehow. But there’s also the likelihood that it’s a… » 5/14/15 2:24pm 5/14/15 2:24pm

Don't Screw Up Mother's Day

Moms are essential. Without them, we’d all be just masses of genetic material floating around. They’ve put up with plenty of your crap (in multiple senses), and this Sunday—which is Mother’s Day, in case you were not aware—is as good an opportunity as any to show the various mothers in your life how much you love… » 5/08/15 2:32pm 5/08/15 2:32pm

How To Make A Kick-Ass Sidecar

Wisconsin is the nation’s best drinking state, and not just because it’s the birthplace of both the Schlitz and Ale Asylum breweries. Cheese Curdistan is also the brandy-swillingest place in America; it’s hard to pin down accurate statistics, but each of the half-dozen sources I consulted are certain that Wisconsin… » 5/06/15 11:58am 5/06/15 11:58am

Stop Sucking At Kissing

As a sex worker who has done in-person work for a decade, I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. So many, in fact, that I have a theory about why call girls of old had the “no kissing” rule, a rule that is unfortunately uncommon among contemporary escorts: It’s not because kissing is more intimate than other acts, but because… » 5/04/15 11:58am 5/04/15 11:58am

Let's All Get Filthy Rich Betting On The Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby, a/k/a “The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports,” is an event rich with tradition. It’s an opportune time to brush up on your Hunter S. Thompson, and/or drink cheap bourbon out of silver cups, and/or laugh along with rich assholes who give their horses ridiculous names for their own amusement. » 5/01/15 2:16pm 5/01/15 2:16pm

How To Get A Good Dog, And Be A Good Dog Owner 

I wasn’t ready when I got my dog, Penny, in college. Lots of people compare owning a dog to raising a child, but I’ve never had a child, so I’ll compare it to looking after a Pokémon, of which I have owned many. True, canines are loyal companions who will come to your aid whenever you may need them. Except in this… » 4/30/15 12:30pm 4/30/15 12:30pm

How To Work From Home

Working in an office is a terrible way to spend your life. Everyone knows this. It’s why Office Space is a cult classic. It’s why Ron Swanson is a cult hero. It’s why tech companies stuff their buildings with ping pong tables and bean bag chairs and yoga studios, desperately trying to convince everyone present that… » 4/27/15 11:20am 4/27/15 11:20am

How To Date Casually Without Hurting Anyone

So, you’ve decided to start dating. But instead of diving headlong into a committed monogamous partnership—or one of those polyamorous ones that’s really more about booty-calling whoever’s around—you’re going to date casually. Which is to say, an ongoing but uncommitted relationship wherein the parties involved… » 4/23/15 2:46pm 4/23/15 2:46pm

The Secret To Perfect Weed Butter

To begin, the briefest of rants. A few years ago, I got one of these Crock-Pot Little Dipper dealies as a gift. The idea, the gift-giver told me, was that I could use it to keep queso or artichoke dip warm when I had friends over. This was going to be so great! No longer would once-hot queso congeal sadly on my coffee… » 4/20/15 5:51pm 4/20/15 5:51pm

How To Make Hollandaise Sauce, And Defy The Brunch-Industrial Complex

Hollandaise sauce is the lifeblood of the brunch-industrial complex. You want brunch—which is to say, you want eggs Benedict, the totemic brunchstuff, and maybe like some strawberries or quiche or whatever else goes with brunch? I dunno, I just really want some eggs Benedict, and it’s 11:30 already—but don’t know how… » 4/18/15 10:59am 4/18/15 10:59am

How To Survive A Music Festival

Music festivals are fun but, be warned: They can also be pretty taxing. After x days of spending x hours listening to x bands while making questionable life decisions, you might be riddled with looming regret. Why did I just do [unconscionable thing] in [a large, public place] while surrounded by [every variety of… » 4/17/15 3:14pm 4/17/15 3:14pm

Make Your Own Brunch, Please

Brunch could very well be the American millennial’s favorite bougie pastime. You may have tried to avoid it for as long as possible (like me), or you may have fully embraced it after your first sip of that amazing mimosa. But face it: There’s not a weekend that goes by where you don’t want to go out and order some… » 4/16/15 4:29pm 4/16/15 4:29pm