How To Hard-Boil Eggs, For Godly Or Ungodly Purposes

Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly) (I mean, we are talking about boiled eggs, and we are gonna have to calibrate our "interesting" scale pretty generously here), hard-boiled eggs, when made properly, receive a much softer boiling than soft-boiled eggs. The "-boiled" is what confuses things: It makes you think that… » 4/19/14 1:09pm Saturday 1:09pm

How To Grill A Flank Steak, The Steak For Socialists

We are Americans (no, not you, Canadians) (OK, you too, c'mon over here ya big galoots), and we like big hunks of steak*. To be precise, we like our own big hunks of steak: We like to saunter into Bob's House of Steak all bowlegged and gimlet-eyed like John Wayne and order for ourselves some great obscene wad of… » 4/12/14 1:32pm 4/12/14 1:32pm

Never Buy New Sneakers In March. Never.

These are my new shoes. I have had them for, oh, a little longer than a week. They are muddy shit, now. I tell myself that I will clean them later, but we all know that even if that does happen—even if I do not forget; even if I am not overwhelmed by the obvious futility of such an enterprise—"cleaning" will not restore… » 4/03/14 4:57pm 4/03/14 4:57pm

How To Fry Brussels Sprouts, And Learn To Love Them At Last

You think of Brussels sprouts and you think of misery. When you were a kid, some damn do-gooder grownup nuked a frozen bag of them in the microwave , and scooped a bunch of them onto your plate next to your delicious SpaghettiOs, and laid some bullshit on you about how eating them would make you grow up big and strong… » 3/29/14 1:59pm 3/29/14 1:59pm

How To Make Linguine With Clams And Bid Farewell To This Goddamn Winter

Groundhog meteorologists notwithstanding, seasons are shapeless, poorly defined things. To wit: Traditionally, in North America, the "winter" season is regarded as beginning at some point in the back half of December (the solstice) and extending into the back half of the following March (the equinox)—and yet, somehow,… » 3/15/14 1:00pm 3/15/14 1:00pm

How To Cook Sea Scallops Without Ruining Them: The Case Against Bacon

Step one is hiring a sinister shifty-eyed fellow with a pencil mustache to remove the bacon from your refrigerator and hide it somewhere in your home where you cannot find it. OK, so he does not have to have a pencil mustache. But it will be awesomer if he does. » 3/01/14 1:00pm 3/01/14 1:00pm

How To Make A Simple Goddamn Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

Everywhere we are gussying up our grilled-cheese sandwiches. In fancy restaurants and home kitchens and delicatessens and those insufferable quasi-fast-food joints with the accented, ambiguously Euro names and the friggin' Ray LaMontagne music on the PA and the cutesy, bottled alterna-soda in the cooler—everywhere, the … » 2/15/14 1:00pm 2/15/14 1:00pm

Let's Make A Really Good Bloody Mary, For Once

When I was a dirty young man working at a low-end marketing outfit, I scoffed at the tagline for the office-approved Dockers-rock station that played all day in any cube pod where the clip artisans outnumbered the conference callers. In between Lilith Fair dirges, furniture store ads, and the softer Third Eye Blind… » 1/10/14 2:00pm 1/10/14 2:00pm

How To Eat The Raw Oyster, Goodness In Its Pure Form

No one has moderate feelings toward the raw oyster (except perhaps for the terminally indifferent, may they ride the Meh Bus straight to hell): Either you ohmigod love love loooooove them, or you think they are gross little brine-loogies and have bad taste in things. » 12/28/13 1:00pm 12/28/13 1:00pm

How To Make A Ragù, Which Has Nothing To Do With Jars

By now you're likely well aware that the word ragù—although perhaps most frequently encountered with its accent symbol flipped over, emblazoned across ten thousand jars of tomato products in your local supermarket—has its own non-commercial definition, other than "bad-tasting Italian-themed ketchup." » 12/21/13 1:30pm 12/21/13 1:30pm

How To Make A Fish Sandwich. (You're Not Too Good For A Fish Sandwich.)

Oh, what, so you think you're too "good" for a fish sandwich? Oh, so fish sandwiches are for "weird leathery shore-people" with "wiry fisherman physiques" and "hairdos from the mid-1970s" and "scars from old knife fights"? Oh, so you "didn't actually say any of that" and I am "having this argument with myself" and you "didn't say… » 11/16/13 1:15pm 11/16/13 1:15pm

This Is How That Jonathan Martin "Pussy" Sign Made It On ESPN

If you want to get a sign on ESPN's College GameDay you have to make it through ESPN security. They screen the signs for religious and political messages and, more generally, anything that could be deemed offensive. One sign that fit the criteria for offensive—the "Pussy" sign with Jonathan Martin's face on it—made it… » 11/16/13 12:39pm 11/16/13 12:39pm

How To Make Home Fries, The Breakfast Of Sluggards

The basic idea is that breakfast is supposed to supply your wretched, dead-eyed carcass with enough chemical energy to work itself up into a state vaguely similar to the authentic vitality of the functional, well-adjusted people edging away from you in half-concealed disgust on the bus. This is why we are instructed to … » 11/09/13 10:57am 11/09/13 10:57am

Screw Your Pumpkin Flavors: How To Make Apple Crumble

Fun fact! Careful examination of the historical record reveals that, whatever the goddamn Starbucks menu may suggest to the contrary, the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs between Sept. 15 and Dec. 20 is not a capital crime. Whether the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs in that time period is… » 10/26/13 12:10pm 10/26/13 12:10pm

How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great

The first thing to do is clear up any misconceptions that the reason to make mashed cauliflower, and not mashed potatoes, is that mashed cauliflower is the more calorically or nutritionally upstanding choice. If that is what you are thinking, stop thinking that, because that is stupid. You're stupid. » 10/12/13 12:00pm 10/12/13 12:00pm