How To Smoke Salmon: Mystical Alchemy From The Majestic West

Pity the poor East Coast rat racer. Look at him, pouring out of the subway with his sooty, bedraggled kin, lurching through ill-lit corridors, past dripping pipes and glaring widows just missing him with the splash of their chamberpots. There he is, spending $12 on a substandard turkey sub. Here he goes, hat brim… » 3/27/15 2:16pm Yesterday 2:16pm

How to Talk To Your New Girlfriend About Your Ex

First and foremost, congratulations on the decision to put your fuck parts together with another person's fuck parts in a more meaningful way than you were putting fuck parts together with others during the abysmal slog through Tinder you've been on since your break-up. Things are probably great: you two have stopped… » 3/25/15 12:40pm Wednesday 12:40pm

How To Eat At A Fancy Restaurant As Though You Belong There

I get it. Your favorite restaurant is Big Chuck's Grilled Meat Wagon, parked between The Noodle Truck and The Taco Truck down at the daily lunchtime curbside bazaar of food trucks. Fine. I, too, love Big Chuck's selection of grilled meats. He's got some quality meats down there on the wagon, no one is denying that. » 3/24/15 1:32pm Tuesday 1:32pm

How To Enjoy Twitter Without Working Yourself Into A Frothing Rage

In general, Twitter is superb. I use it for work, and I love it. As with anything, of course, there are minor aspects that'll make you want to spike your phone/computer into the pavement. But there are incredibly simple actions you can take to minimize the amount of Bad Twitter you have to endure. » 3/23/15 10:35am Monday 10:35am

How to Cash Out Your Change

It's around 3 p.m., and I'm starting to run out of gas. My brain just has no juice. I'm a writer, and I work best in the mornings, so I try to be typing by 7:45 a.m., and with any luck I make it till 4 before the gears start to grind and the works gum up. But not today. Today, by like 3:15, the work feels grueling,… » 3/19/15 1:22pm 3/19/15 1:22pm

No Jokes, Period: A Polite Guy's Guide To A Girl's Time Of The Month

Sometimes the most basic piece of information is also the most helpful, and so, as we begin what I should warn you up front will be a long, intense treatise on this topic, let me tell you this: No two women's periods are alike. Our periods are as unique as we are, which, of course, makes understanding them even more… » 3/17/15 2:10pm 3/17/15 2:10pm

How To Cook Some Tasty (For Once!) Cabbage, For St. Patrick's Day

I love St. Patrick's Day. I know it's terribly unfashionable to admit so, but I love it all: I love the wearing of the green, I love the dogs in costume, I love the KISS ME I'M IRISH buttons. Give me a pair of glittered, bobbly shamrocks affixed to a headband and I'm one bonny Irish lass. The green beer? Hell yes.… » 3/17/15 1:54pm 3/17/15 1:54pm

How To Fight Depression

It has been a long goddamn winter. (At least it has here on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States, i.e. the center of the known universe.) If you and your people are anything like me and mine, all your conversations over the past few months have tended towards serious discussions of the end times—which, for the… » 3/16/15 1:34pm 3/16/15 1:34pm

How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great

This article originally appeared on October 12, 2013. I'm republishing it today because I went on an insane cauliflower kick this week, and also for the lesser reason that I couldn't find good ingredients for what I wanted to cook. If you're looking for something especially St. Patrick's Day-ish, put some chopped… » 3/14/15 1:11pm 3/14/15 1:11pm

How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Assault And Sports 

When I thought my son was old enough to understand the concept of "no means no," I said those exact words to him when he appeared unwilling to back away from a confrontation-in-the-making. This kind of situation arose frequently—the playground, a playdate, just being around his younger sister. "Jonny said he doesn't… » 3/13/15 11:42am 3/13/15 11:42am

How To Eat More (And Better) Fruits And Vegetables So You Don't Die

I live in Boston, which is to say that over the course of the past month or so I, along with millions of disgruntled others, have on more than one occasion found myself snowbound without proper provisions. I went to my local grocer in anticipation of an impending storm—this sounds a lot nicer than it truthfully is, as… » 3/12/15 2:35pm 3/12/15 2:35pm

How To Lease A Car Without Being A Douchenozzle 

So you finally landed that office job where you have to put on a suit and use pointless buzzwords. Here's the problem: All your coworkers drive fancy cars. You want to "look the part" and not show up with your rusted-out beater, but you can't make the payments on, say, a Bimmer or a Lexus. Or can you? Welcome to… » 3/09/15 2:10pm 3/09/15 2:10pm

How to Survive Your First Tech Job

Tech companies make my blood boil. I live in San Francisco, where I'm surrounded by them. What's worse, I'm surrounded by their employees—by droves of social-media strategists and integrated-marketing specialists, by dev-ops leads and database engineers, by bro-grammers. So, so many bro-grammers. This phylum… » 3/05/15 1:30pm 3/05/15 1:30pm

How To Get Your Ass Back In Shape, And Keep It There

Now that the New Year's Resolutions crowd has cleared out of the gym, it's time to get down to business. The goal is not to become CrossFit truthers or pot-smoking ultramarathoners, but to simply avoid racking up massive medical bills due to poor health as we continue our slow, inevitable march to death. And… » 3/04/15 2:04pm 3/04/15 2:04pm