Pat White: 26-32, 332 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT. Hakeem Nicks couldn't swing the ball behind his back enough times to prevent his quarterback from throwing his own INTs, leading West Virginia to an unlikely 31-30 comeback win. However, at least one pre-eminent Deadspin live blogger saw it coming:

I don't like UNC's chances down the stretch unless they take their gangliest senior leader and give him a bloody nose.

And Signal to Noise might see things differently next time (and what's a Hugh! without him?):

With his gravy train headed to be the next Antwaan Randle El on Sundays, it's no wonder Bill Stewart told Butch Davis "I don't want to ever play you again" after eking out a one-point win.

Yeah, so that was fun. And don't settle for our word; ask a semi-anonymous tipster:

I was watching the Meineke Car Care Bowl between West Virginia and UNC. With about 4:00 left in the 4th quarter, West Virginia got a sack on Carolina. The guy that sacked the QB was named John Homes or Holmes... Either way... Sounds like the former porn star that was very well endowed. The announcer said the following after the sack: "John Holmes.... HUGE..... *pause* Play here in the 4th quarter"...

And after he said it, his voice sort of changed and it sounded like he was trying not to laugh...

Again: HUGH!

PooolMan wanted us to share more FAU dance team pictures with you:

And we want to prepare you for the Emerald Bowl tonight:

Hugh will now step back into the shrubbery of Athens, GA, and leave you with your own snarky comments. Remember him when you hear the baritone sound of Pam Ward's occasionally accurate play-by-play. Be strong; be smart; be HUGH!

North Carolina leads West Virginia 23-21 at the half as a track meet has broken out. For all the credit both quarterbacks deserve in this game (as well as the secondaries of both teams), the wide receivers have been absolute beasts. We flicked three-year-olds off us at the holiday party with more effort than Hakeem Nicks and Alric Arnett have needed on their touchdowns.

We're a little worried some of you boughed your own holly a little too far this holiday season, as represented by Hugh contributor DH86SJ: 

last night was awesome because of the jager bombs and white castle. these are also the things that are making me miserable today. along with the NBA-grade defenses in the meineke car care bowl.  i'm a bengals fan, so seeing both teams score confuses me.

We love you, man, and we give you total permission to roll over on the couch and sleep it off. We'll cover the bowl games in the morning so you can just write it off on the blackout.

We owe thanks to Hugh contributor PooolMan:

Just a quick FYI, Schnelly did lead us to a New Orleans Bowl victory last year (quickest ever in D1), also you are welcome for our dance team.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Last word goes to our own Matthew Bartholomew Sussman:

For Pat White's final college game, I don't think it was very nice to paint a very faded NFL logo at midfield. If anything, a very vibrant CFL logo was the way to go.

There is nothing wrong with the Henry Burriss career path. Unless you're the Chicago Bears, we mean.

Hugh's still open for business at "TheHughJohnson" on AIM. We'll see him stumble back out in a curiously untied robe at the end of the Meineke Car Care Commercial.

Other scores:

Southern Cal 14, UCLA 7, First Quarter winding down. Matt Sanchez already had 122 yards passing and a TD pass, and then found Damian Williams for another. But UCLA is already past midfield and looking to tie it up again.

Your noon finals:

Virginia Tech 30, Boston College 12.

Pittsburgh 34, UConn 10.

Navy 34, Army 0.

California 38, Washington 0.

And now for your stretch run of Hugh:

Pam Ward is doing a D2 playoff game this week.  This might be a step up in quality from her weekly Northwestern game. —Scumdog0331

so President Bush sat on the Army side of the stadium for the first half...apparently he was the Army offensive coordinator the whole game —Jhar008

drscooter19: Ah, Pam Ward calling ACC football. Boston College is filled with dickbags named Sully. Maryland has crabs.  Not the tasty kind from the sea either.  The crotch ones.  DOES MY HATE PLEASE YOU?!? (Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. So... yes.)

Signal to Noise: The Bayou Classic, where the halftime battle of the bands is much more important than the football. OSU can take its script "Ohio" and stick it where the sun don't shine.

Both bands decided to spell out "OBAMA" this year, for obvious reasons. The Louisiana GOP is already angling for equal time. (In an odd juxtaposition, the Louisiana GOP could be found in Iowa last weekend.)

drscooter19:  Mark Mangino's WIkipedia page includes this line "Mangino's hobbies include eating and being a fat fuck." And I don't see why they would take that down as "non-factual". (Wikipedia only recognizes metric fornication as a measurement of weight.)

Chilltown: Mark Mangino: the only man who can sweat in a snowstorm. (We sense a trend.)

Himagain: The announcers just pointed out how composed Mangino stayed...what's he going to do, jump around? (So... he's large?)

And now Brad Nessler will try too hard...

Herbie's Wingman:  Brad Nessler just said Jeff Demps for Florida is "as fast as a rabbit in love".

Mr. Red Devil: Brad Nessler just dropped this gem on us:  "They say that Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas." (Brad, honey, we already have a Keith Jackson. His name is Keith Jackson.)

dmoney4sho27:  No matter what a 38-year old mother of three tells you, there is no sex in the Kinnick Stadium bathroom. (Anyone remember when Chris Rock was still alive? Those were good times.)

And your flashback finale...

Mr. Red Devil: I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that all FSU fans are Communists. Especially Camp Tiger Claw.

kingdonut66:  My dad is a Vietnam vet and always scoffs at us when we call a rainstorm a "monsoon".  Well Dad, I love ya . . . but . . . IT'S A FUCKING MONSOON IN TALLAHASSEE!!!!!

You bastards are strong. You beat back the forces of kindness to your fellow man and took a huge squat on the Saints' lease cars of justice. We love you all.

Signal to Noise: Mizzou is dressed in some sort of mustard/piss yellow, and are appropriately shitting the bed against Kansas despite causing turnovers. Remember when Chase Daniel was a Heisman candidate and not just the pizza delivery guy? (No?)

lt.winslow: little known secret. patrick nix is, in fact, the antichrist. (Deadspin: your source for Satanic news.)

Signal to Noise: Lee Corso is apparently now doing Hooters ads like his buddy Dickie V. I wonder if he offered to show the waitresses his merkin. (We hear it goes more like this: #1 - Put your huge head in a box...)

Camp Tiger Claw: Trev Alberts: "You continue doing what you do. That's what you do." No wonder he's been a consistently shitty television personality for years. (Consistent performers are hard to come by.)

Tom: The color analyst in the KU-MU game just called Dezmon Briscoe Inspector Gadget. Excellent work cock hound. (We just like the phrase "cock hound". Release the cock hounds! Yes, it's lovely.)

anskyman2004: You have to love GT's triple option offense. Every girlfriend watching this game with their boyfriend lets out a collective "What the hell are they doing??" everytime Josh Nesbitt snaps the ball. (Well, maybe if your girlfriend is Patrick Nix.)

kingdonut66: Todd Reesing is getting more shit thrown at him than anyone in the Animal House food fight, yet Missouri's defense sucks and is wearing jerseys that they probably vomited on this morning before the game and therefore are awful. Big Twelve Football - Where Nothing Happens Outside Of The States Of Texas And Oklahoma. (Which is the exact inverse of real life.)

drscooter19: Captain Munnerlyn was hurt in the Clemson/South Carolina game. The announcers then made a joke about Captain Munnerlyn not being a captain on the team. If my name were Captain, I wouldn't be playing football. I would have killed myself by now. (To be fair, he was born Private Munnerlyn and worked his way up the family ranks.)

IconOGrill: Pretty sure I just saw Mark Richt say, "Bathtub pillows world peace clock," which is means he's channeling his inner Les Miles and the game is officially blown. (It's one thing to speak in tongues; it's another to translate them. We're officially impressed.)

Signal to Noise: 23 unanswered points for Georgia Tech and they lead 35-28 in Athens, partial help thanks to Matthew Stafford neutering himself by balancing 4 TDs with 2 picks... and Stafford still has a fetus face. (This isn't stopping Michael Phelps, now is it?)

lt.winslow: the canes just put jacory back in, down 10 with 7 minutes left to play... at which point i receive the following text: "if he leads us back again i'll drive to coral gables and blow him" (We're sure the offer still stands. He's dreamy!)

drscooter19:  "South Carolina has the strongest forearms in the conference.  They just keep jerking balls away from Clemson."  There's a dick joke in here somewhere...just can't place my cock on it. (Keep probing.)

• It's halftime in Missouri and 3-0 Kansas. Approximately 32490834290 turnovers have marred the proceedings.

• Clemson has already thrashed South Carolina 24-0 and it's not quite halftime. Approximately 21309092913809810 turnovers have marred the proceedings.

• 21-12 Dogs versus Yellow Jackets in Georgia late in the second. It's a rainy mid-afternoon in Georgia.

• 14-7 Virginia over Virginia Tech at the half as the nerd schools continue to find themselves looking up at their bully older brothers.

And now your thoughts on the matter:

drscooter19:  I don't know what to do.  Normally I start drinking around this time to get through Pam Ward calling some awful Big Ten game, but that whole season is over. I guess I can flip over to the Big East Pissing Contest of the Week and take Wild Turkey to the face. Because that's the only way Big East football is OK to watch. (If you can't embrace the hate this weekend, you don't get college football. Use your aggressive feelings, drscooter19. Let the hate flow through you. )

Signal to Noise: ESPN is part of the liberal media conspiracy and believes in gun control. YOU CAN HAVE OUR GUNS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM LEE CORSO'S COLD, DEAD HANDS!...oh....carry on. (Will do.)

kingdonut66: Steve Spurrier squares off against Dabo Swinney in the ultimate battle of "Who Embarrasses Our State More?" (And to think we would have gone with Dabo Swinney blindly in nearly every other comparison on name alone...)

Camp Tiger Claw:
There are two kinds of Florida Gator fans
Ignorant Sluts and Insufferable Assholes
(Are you watching, drscooter19? And even in poem form!)

 jelloman4:  Some parents in Tallahassee dressed their baby up like Bobby Bowden for Halloween. The baby crapped his pants and spoke baby talk/gibberish all night to complete the effect. (Sounds like someone's getting cranky without their bedtime.)

And now, without comment or the least bit of fact-checking, we roll the playoff grenade into the room and slam the door behind us...

MIke Tomlin's Afro Dent: We all agree the BCS sucks, but here's what makes it even harder to stomach.  If you made an 8 team playoff using the current BCS Rankings, here are the first four games:

1. Alabama 11-0
 8. Penn State 11-1

 2. Texas 10-1
 7. Texas Tech 10-1

 3. Oklahoma 10-1
 6. Utah 12-0

 4. Florida 10-1
 5. USC 9-1

It picks up all the "Good One Loss Teams".  It leaves out the Big East and the ACC because the conferences are awful.  I don't understand why we can't do something like this.  All four of those games would be AMAZING. If you ran all 4 of those games on December 20, with the winners playing December 27, then the winners of that could play January 5 for the REAL national title.

image via College Game Balls

It's gonna be tough for Spurrier to blow his top with that visor of his. -fitz350z

North Carolina has a kid named Cooter Arnold. I only wish I had known sooner. -bluesteel2626

Brad Nessler said Minnesota and Wisconsin are play for Paul Bunyan's Ass. Maybe that's just his fantasy. -drscooter19

Steve Spurrier just asked Tracy Wolfson who she wanted to play at quarterback, had Danyelle Sargent been working the game she probably would have recommended Otto Graham. -Last of the Romohicans

I don't know who it's more of an insult to, but I just saw Steve Spurrier on the sideline and it looks like he has less of a clue what to do with Florida's defense than Will Leitch does with strippers. -Last of the Romohicans

There's a Chic-Fil-A commercial that shows cows parachuting onto the field. At first, I thought I had sat on the remote and turned on UT/Kansas and the mini-Mangino revolution was taking place. Now I know how people felt when War of the Worlds debuted.

The only thing more embarassing to Michigan fans than eight losses is Drew Henson's NFL career. Oh, and let's not forget App St. Well, atleast there's still basketball seas... Man, it's a good thing the auto industry is thriving, otherwise, there wouldn't be much to live for up there. -Last of the Romohicans

Boise St. now has a lead on Idaho and I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. There's enough people in that state for two institutes of higher learning? I feel like Sarah Palin when she found out Africa was a continent, not a sinus medicine. -Last of the Romohicans

I see no way that Steve Spurrier letting CBS' sideline reporter pick his QB for the 2nd half ends poorly...or worse than this retarded sub system is going. -ndeddiemac

If northwestern actually ends up winning 10 games this year i will paint my willie purple. -AustinBHavery

I'd like to see tha... no, no I wouldn't.

Apologies if I didn't post your thoughts, it's not that we don't love you. It's not you, it's me. (And my browser issues.) Come back next Saturday for all of your Johnson needs.

Terrelle Pryor just kissed James Laurinaitis's helmet. Yikes, that sounded much more Brady Quinn than intended -Zombie Jesus X

Auburn just realized a field goal isn't worth 4 points and took a time out with 4 mintues left to put the offense back on the field. The SEC, number one in math. -iconogrill

Auburn might get one more possession. There is a better chance, however, of someone shoving a feather up Tommy Tuberville's ass and he flies away to Clemson than of the Tigers scoring in less than 2 minutes. -iconogrill

Maryland vs UNC. ACC Football! CATCH THE AWFULNESS! -drscooter19

2 picks already? I'm pretty sure Spurrier still thinks he's calling plays for Florida -fitz350z

Shonn Greene needs to start being mentioned in the Heisman conversations. He's rushed for 1585 yards in 11 games and he's the ONLY back in the country to get 100+ yards in every game this season. —Lady Andrea

Trailing Florida, Steve Spurrier is now regretting his decision not to replace his defense with bathroom stall doors, which have been known to stop most Gators cold in their tracks. -IconOGrill

"I'm cold, I'm wet, we're losing, and now it's snowing. Clearly I'm just staying in this marriage for the kids." —Yostal, live from Michigan Stadium

In the Wisconsin game they just talked about how they'll get into the local music scene. I hear there's this 140-man band thats looking for gigs in Madison. -darktuba

Come on, kids! Keep the Hugh coming through the 3:30 games.

As mentioned, Notre Dame is ahead comfortably 27-7 so you can call off the Charlie Weis Death Watch for another week. Unless you mean it literally, in which case it's best to keep him on it if only because of his belt size. Penn State has opened up their lead to 27-7, and Illinois is getting killed by Ohio State 30-13. But the big game of the day looks to be the Georgia-Auburn matchup, in which the Bulldogs lead 10-6. Let's go upset!

The weird thing though is that all of these games have been giving HUGH a lot of conflicting emotions today.

Confusion:
"Why is ESPN showing OSU-Illinois and Northwestern-Michigan when Ithaca is playing Cortland State?" - Sean's Ramblings

Somewhat-veiled contempt:
"Trying to watch Notre Dame and Navy? 2 minutes and you'll be BEGGING to watch Big Ten football again." —www.midwesternbias.blogspot.com

Not-so-veiled contempt:
"Rutgers and South Florida is the Big East game of the week. Or as many like to call it, the "Who The Fuck Cares Bowl"." - drscooter19

Hatred of the geriatric:
my buddy went as a senior citizen for halloween and wore an actual Depends diaper...shenanigans ensue but i have a feeling this kinda thing happens all the time at ESPN now especially with Lou Holtz around. - tepman16

And fear of the geriatric:
"If there is such a thing as the "Blue Royster Cult", does that make Joe Paterno the Reaper?" - Alexander Holt

But let's finish it off with this witty ode to casual racism:

"Well, I had the mute on and ESPN was showing clips of Asians dressed in yellow windbreakers dancing at the Illinois game, apparently attempting to stay warm. Not even sure what to say here, since a "Chief Irriniwek" dance joke would be inappropriate on several levels. Dammit, maybe I should work for an ESPN call center." - Zombie Jesus X

The man himself Enrico will be handling the rest of your HUGH day. Send him your quips! But be gentle, even if he tells you he wants it rough. He's lying.

Tommy Trojan feeling blue — victim of classic prank [All Things Trojan]

Not a whole lot happening yet. Penn State is knotted up at 7s with Indiana, Michigan is up 14-7 against Northwestern, Ohio State is trouncing the Illini, Texas has a 7-0 lead over Kansas, and Auburn has a 6-0 lead over Georgia in your upset special. But enough of me, what about HUGH?

"Question of the day: are Charlie Weis' steel-belted trousers strong enough to withstand America's military might?" - FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

"The sound in the Michigan/Northwestern game just went out, proving that even God is tired of listening to Pam Ward." - JWaldman11

"I can't wait until the BCS is reorganized into the Obama Bowl." - greenmightymoose

"Pam Ward gets another Northwestern game. Makes me wonder if she's blowing the.....ah who am I kidding, there are no lesbian ADs." - drscooter19

"The Big 11 has a commercial in which they brag about Michael Wilbon. I'm speechless." - MrRedDevil4Ever

And since we started with Big Charlie, let's close out with him as well:

"Over/Under on crabcakes buried in Charlie Weis' sweatshirt: 42." - commenter "Chad Sexington"

Well done, folks. Keep 'em coming.

And wrapping up your Hugh for another Saturday. Thanks for everyone that submitted.

One of the announcers in the Duke/NCSU game just said "In the words of Johnny Cash, you gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em."  Somebody clearly doesn't like delicious roast chicken.  Or beards. —Adrockuw

the Big XII is hogging all the good teams, imitating the SEC. The SEC is hosting yet another shootout, aping the Big XII. I'm feeling all left out, why doesn't anybody wanna be like my beloved Pac-10!?? —Spacecowgirl01

Does anyone know how that couple in those Sonic commercials doesn't get a divorce?  —Yostal

Jerrod Lee throws another pick 6, or Touchdown After INT (TAINT) as Simmons likes to call it.  It's one of the few funny things he's come up with. —DrScooter19         

So after watching Georgia pull out a win against Kentucky and the unheralded Cowboys of Wyoming giddyup into Knoxville and knock off the Vols (more on that later), it's time for the big 3:30 game. Alabama scored early on a John Parker Wilson keeper, but LSU has answered with two scores of their own. Arguably for the first time all season, Alabama appears to have their hands full. No. 15 LSU 14, No. 1 Alabama 7, 2nd Quarter.

No. 9 Boise State 28, Utah State 14, 3rd Quarter. Boise State appears to be taking care of business. Two things about the Broncos. First, they round out their schedule at Idaho, at Nevada, and finish with Fresno State at home. Secondly, none of that could matter, as only one non-BCS conference team in the top 12 is guaranteed a big boy bowl. And Utah, two spots above Boise State in the BCS rankings, is really fucking with their destiny as it stands now.

No. 3 Penn State 10, Iowa 7. Come to Penn Staaaaaaaaaaate!
/shits pants

wait, what? oh, Nick Saban's back in town! And here I thought that with all that unfounded hate towards guys in red jerseys the Tigers must've been playing USC Trojans. -SpaceCowgirl01

John Parker Wilson just picked up a 15-yard flag for imitating the Verizon guy after scoring. —Signal2Noise

The Jug stays in Michigan, Pam Ward still sucks, and Nick Sheridan does not equal death.  It's a good day —Yostal

Wyoming just beat Tennessee in the "Two places no one wants to live Bowl" —Cjbrownb

Tennesse falls at home to the Wyoming. If you listen very closely, you can actually hear Clay crying in the distance. —Anskyman2004

Pittsburgh 41, Louisville 7. The Cardinals continue to struggle. Hunter Cantwell threw two picks, along with four team fumbles for good measure. Pitt somehow has come back from the veritable dead, as Dave Wannstedt finds himself at 6-2 with a level of job security that would have seemed unfathomable two months ago.

Ohio State 45, Northwestern 10. I don't understand Jim Tressel. He waits until the week after the biggest game of the year to start Terrelle Pryor, who might already be his best player on offense. And then today he fakes a punt with a 20-point lead. You, sir, baffle my sensibilities.

Michigan State 21, Purdue 7.

North Carolina 28, Ga. Tech 7.

Texas 45, Baylor 21, 4th Quarter. As good as over, really, but not as good as Hugh.

Kentucky blocks a punt and soon after takes the lead on Georgia. All the people without teeth rejoice!

[Nine minutes later]

Kentucky no longer leads... people without teeth, return to sleeping with your cousins now. —Anskyman2004

as they repeatedly fumble the football, it becomes clear that after losing to a nerd school last week, the gophers finally realized they were... the gophers. thus began the downward spiral from dreams of a possible rose bowl to just hoping for another disastrous motor city bowl berth. ah, humility. —SpaceCowgirl01

as a purdue fan and a fan of the forward pass watching the Purdue / Mich St game is like being stabbed over and over in slow motion for 3 and a half hours... —JoeyJoeJoe Man

Pryor is now dodging those sacks when the plays break down, and therefore making me wonder what he could have done in a real offensive system, unlike the Sweater Vest's "run, run, pass" formula. —Signal2Noise [You and me both, brutha. —Ed]

Photo via Getty Images.

Here's how much I hate you Nick Saban...If God himself were to swoop down from the heavens and offer to grant me one wish, any wish, that I so chose, I would pass on having him grant me obscene, Jay-Z levels of wealth, I would pass on him granting me a cock like the most obscenely hung woolly mammoth in world history, and I would pass on him granting me the ability to score epic Wilt Chamberlain-esque levels of ass until the day I died at 879. I would pass on everything to get the opportunity to travel back in time to be your mother's OB-GYN at the time of your birth.

Why would I wish for such a thing you ask? Well, here's why fuckface...So that I could engage in a Terminator-like mission to find your mother/Sarah Conner and destroy you, that's why!

Oh yeah. This is gonna be fun. Almost as fun as your first dose of Hugh.

at the bottom of the Big 10 standings was proof of the conference being better than everyone thinks it is. We did not get a camera shot to see if he had some of Jim Delany's DNA on his face while he said it. —Signal2Noise

The ESPN Halftime people just made a reference to Georgia Tech and UNC looking like the Montreal Alouettes and the Toronto Argonauts. That's a depressing outlook for the futures of those players. —Fraganhome

What would you say the chances are that the Little Brown Jug, is in fact, full of dog shit?—Anskeyman2004

Mich-Minn is the reason the terrorists hate us, mmmmm....field goals —ScumDog0331

An open letter to Nick Saban [Cajun Boy In The City]

So without further adieu, let's let the inmates take over the asylum for one final time this afternoon.

anskyman2004: Did Mike Vanderjagt die, and then reincarnate as Blair Walsh?

Yostal: This is a new low. Oregon actually is the better dressed team in their match up with Cal, who has gone all yellow. It's horrifying. Even in short bursts.

s2nblog: Gary Danielson just called Matthew Stafford a "gunslinger." Are we already anointing the new Brett Favre? Is the Eternal Spirit of the Gunslinger transferred to quarterbacks Dalai Lama-style even when the original isn't dead (or retired) yet?
(minutes later)
Stafford just threw a pick that Joe Haden returned to the UGA 1 yard line. Anoint him the heir to Favre if you wish, all the tendencies are there.

BlueSteel2626: I was previously unfamiliar with Tulsa's team name. Is a Golden Hurricane something like a windier golden shower?

Encouraging Referee Pitman: If Wisconsin finishes under .500, their fans should be forced to listen to Everlast's solo material between the 3rd and 4th quarters.

And for our finale:

jrlididio: Some place in Champaign has a $25 Sandwich called the Big Fat Ugly, which consists of, and I shit you not, two rolls, four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, American cheese, mayo, and ketchup. The Midwest may not have invented fat, but they perfected it.

Well done, everyone. You continue to make us proud.

I know you're groggy from last night. I'm groggy too. But it's not about you. It never was. It's about the 9-year-old boy in rural Iowa who gets past his parents' password and stumbles upon a perfectly-worded joke about the futility of Michigan. It's about the geriatric woman from Arizona who finally got her first computer hooked up to the Internet, only to immediately turn it off forever after being horrified by gratuitous photos of two spry girls kissing at a college football game. It's about the Al-Qaeda member who decides against bombing American infidels after learning that we're not so different after all; we all have a common enemy in Pam Ward. So please, don't let them down. And don't force me to get Mike Singletary to come by and whip out his juicy man-ass!

That said, we did get two jokes from the usual cast of characters:

drscooter19: I get Pam Ward calling an awful game, meanwhile Purdue and Michigan are playing real life Madden. It's not fair!

s2nblog: At what backwater tailor does Archie Manning get his tailoring done? Plaid is not exactly a pattern you want to see on a suit on TV.

One more Hugh to go for the afternoon, folks. Let's get to work!

As of now, Indiana's up 34-31 over the MAC daddies Central Michigan; Minnesota and Northwestern are knotted at 17; the Spartans are predictably losing 24-19 to Wisconsin; and Michigan and Purdue refuse to play defense, the Boilermakers currently up 42-35. Luckily, there's a whole new slate of games getting under way that will hopefully give us some excitement after all of this boring scoring.

But let's see what Hugh have to say:

fraganhome: The Michigan/Purdue game is great, not because it's a football game that Michigan is winning, not because it's an away game and so there's not crowds and noise in Ann Arbor. No, it's great because I get to listen to the Big Ten Network announcing team say "Boubacar Cissoko" repeatedly, and, I like to imagine, stifle their laughter at saying "boob-a-car" a lot.

s2nblog: This early lineup of games is bad. The best football so far today is on the Fox Soccer Channel.

drscooter19: Oooooh! Notre Dame vs Pitt! I've gone and wet myself out of indifference!

And we'll leave you with this, a reminder that it doesn't matter where you're at in the world, we want to hear from you:

DexterFishmore: Happy November, Hugh! I'm actually IM'ing you from a movie theater in Manhattan, where I'm in the middle of High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Just wanted the Hughniverse to know that no matter what you might have heard, this movie really isn't that bad! Hope the football's good today. xoxo

Not much going on yet this morning, as everyone except the Big Ten seems to still be wiping off their makeup and getting out of their pantyhose. Michigan and Wisconsin are in an old fashioned shoot-out, Michigan State is getting ready to tank in the 2nd half of the year yet again, and Northwestern is holding their own against Minnesota.

But the best part about college football this morning is the mass amount of costume shots. Greatest cameo I've seen so far: Green Man from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" at the MSU-Wisconsin game. If anyone has a few screenshots of costumes they've seen in the stands, please send 'em our way.

But enough about my nonsense. What say you?

s2nblog: ESPN gave Old Man Corso guns again when he made his pick — all he needed was a "rassa-frassin" and we had Yosemite Sam on our hands.

drscooter19: If I'm Ray Bentley, I'm telling ESPN to fire me or I'm killing myself on air. Pam Ward's adam's apple is REALLY putting on a show today.

Zombie Jesus X: So, did everyone else, after waking up from a Halloween hangover and seeing the Jordan Shipley-Colt McCoy fishing buddies story, wonder why ESPN was airing "Brokeback Mountain"?

JelloMan: Tebow has his revenge ready. You thought T.O. and the Sharpie was cool? Tebow is going to sign the goal post with half of Leviticus and then circumcise Uga VII.

And let's end it again with s2nblog, who gets a rare double dip into the Hugh pool by showing off his literate nature:

s2nblog: Mike Kafka, who has not started for Northwestern in two years, is putting Minnesota's defense on trial.

Booya, Kafka!

Lady Andrea: The #1-ranked team is playing the #6-ranked team and I have to watch Michigan-Michigan State. Isn't this why we have the Big Ten Network? (So you're the one!)

The now-famous spacecowgirl01: so maybe getting stuck watching Cal-UCLA on ABC instead of Texas-Oklahoma State isn't so bad. They played Green Day's "American Idiot" and let the words "mind fuck" slip through - on ABC! I feel so dirty and rebellious having heard it, like that kid who just learned to spell out "BOOB" on a calculator. (Get on it, people!)

Ray Wert: End zone pilons are NOT an extension of the field. I don't care what U of M-paid refs say. The rule book says "an airborne player striking a pilon is out of bounds." Just sayin'... (Deadspin: We don't charge by the hour.)

Zombie Jesus X: Colt McCoy scores another touchdown. Just think, in a few years he'll be dancing shirtless while drinking tequila with a bunch of dudes then become suicidal and be replaced by Kerry Collins. Too soon? (Texy, line 2...)

JWaldman11: I was just watching Cal/UCLA, and, while they were showing Jeff Tedford on the sidelines, you could see one of the assistant coaches in the background buttoning his pants back up. I guess high school football players aren't the only ones who have to piss while on the field.

Finally, Matthew Stafford's parents are aroused by their son's athletic success, so says Gary Danielson. We're exactly the same at dance recitals.

Hugh goes back into his box for the week. Say goodbye to the nice people, Hugh!

Oops. We think we broke him. shh. Don't tell Weekend KOGOD. And enjoy Penn State-Ohio State; we're rooting for strong American values... and twins.

Corey: I turn 25 today, and my dad got me a Virginia Tech colored Pittsburgh Pirates hat. It was then that I realized that I root for two of the worst offenses in the history of sports. (Entry of the day.)

Pre-Eminent Liveblogger Matt Sussman: Oklahoma has scored 55 points on Kansas State. At halftime. Don't count the Wildcats out of this, though, because if they use the Rock 'n Jock Football rules for the second half, touchdowns are worth double and K-State can score 50 points if Carmen Electra can throw a football through the Jolt Cola swinging tire. (Dan Cortese just called us. Freaky. We turned down the life insurance.)

Herbies_Wingman: Smart move by Kansas scheduling Texas Tech as their homecoming game. Mangino must have been in a diabetic coma when that idea was approved. (Again, just to be clear: Mark Mangino has a slight weight problem.)

Ray Wert: Announcer (at WI/IL) just said something like: Those "Nameless, faceless people on the internet who just cast aspersions..." Pretty funny. (As we told Mr. Wert, we're only accepting tips from people that have been on The Colbert Report.)

Lady Andrea: Grant Harold for Texas Tech is wearing make-up today. He looks like the 4th member of Demolition. Axe, Smash, Crush... and Harold. (We noticed this early today but couldn't figure out how Gene Simmons got eligibility.)

I Heart Poop: No score in the Texas/Okl St game yet. Were both teams killed in bus accidents on the way to the game or is Colt McCoy refusing to come out of the locker room because his ass looks fat in those pants? (We only post this so our next contributor knows who to deal with.)

Texy: I would love to know what goes into the recipe when Colt McCoy "puts some zuzu" on the ball. (Just the petals.)

skollycoddleloo: Poor Stafford. He overthrew that pass like a guy at a bar that picks up this really hot chick, and then gets her home, and then goes STRAIGHT for anal and she gets all pissed off, and all he can do for the rest of the night is just watch Three's Company and masturbate while I gorge myself with cheetoes. Wait, what? (Come and knock on our door for one more Hugh! in about an hour.)

spacecowgirl01: Big 12 Shoot-out update: First, an official's foot gets stomped on and he limps off the field. Now, Eric Morris of Texas Tech barely scores a touchdown and proceeds to apparently dry hump a sideline cameraman. No, seriously. He was on top of him and didn't get off, and it was really, really, really awkward. (Unfortunately, NCAA guidelines prevent Morris from calling the cameraman in the morning. However, he can text the snot out of him. "WIDE ANGL LENS NXT TM LOL")

Signal to Noise: whenever there's a shot of Mark Mangino that's obscured by something (in this case, a ref), it looks like he's sneaking up on someone Jaws-style. (Not since Beverly Hills Ninja have we had such a notion in our heads.)

I Heart Poop: Kentucky just put Randall Cobb in at qb in the 1st quarter. Florida is in trouble if they're standing between him and Nathan Arizona Jr. Otherwise, not so much. ("And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.")

greenmightymoose: Andre Ware rhymes with underwear. Hasn't been said in a while, but his stammering through a critique of Harrell of Texas Tech reminded me of that. (Consider this our public service.)

fraganhome: The last time there was a massacre this bad in Lawrence, Kansas, it was 1863, and about 200 men and boys were killed. (We're considering this our Yostal fanservice.)

jhar008: when they show mark mangino on the sidelines i assume that he is gonna chew some asses out after the game...the asses of the turkey, the pig and any other animal in the postgame buffet. (We just want to explain this one: Mark Mangino is a bit overweight.)

Splenda: even when he is winning, Indiana coach Bill Lynch has a look on his face like he is watching someone screw his wife and there isn't a thing he can do about it. (Is it anything like the Joe Maddon look?)

DexterFishmore: It's not even 2:30 on the East coast, and already three Big XII games (Texas Tech-KU, Baylor-Nebraska and OU-K State) have combined to log 169 points. None of these games is in the 4th quarter, and two haven't reached halftime. Pac-10 defensive coordinators are sincerely flattered by their Midwestern imitators. (Now that's smack worth talking.)

Zombie Jesus X: According to ESPN, Michael Crabtree apparently has a "knack for feeling the football". Meanwhile, a tragically confused Carl Monday begins his stakeout of the Texas Tech student library. (No worries; it's like low-hanging fruit in there.)

spacecowgirl01: BREAKING NEWS in the Minnesota-Purdue game, the only actual close, decent-to-watch game on at the moment: The Purdue Band is having a 12-person mosh pit! ZOMG! ESPN Classic is indeed excellent television.

... update: our commentater (I dont remember who it is) just incorrectly compared the scramble over a fumbled ball on the field to the "cheerleader mosh pit" on the Purdue sideline. Wishful thinking on his part? (We confirm both facts and this third one: it's possible to swim in a cheerleader mosh pit if you stay calm and use slow, deliberate movements. Or that could be quicksand.)

Dos mas, boys and girls. You're bringin' it today; we're proud to be the redhead in your secretarial pool. See you in 90.

The morning signs were generally disappointing, though props to Chilltown for mentioning the "Kirk Loves Lee's Babyarm" call. Sufficiently random and twisted and we can dance to it. We give it a 67. (Yes, if you give us two more, we'll give you a 69. We're getting into the college spirit already!)

We didn't get the "Helen Keller is Lou Holtz's translator" sign. We mean, we get it, but it's pretty base and lazy. We expect mo... about that much out of Columbus. How about a "Anne Frank Wrote Lou's Memoirs"? You know, something more topical.

Now onto your own Twitteresque memoirs:

drscooter19: Pam Ward calls the "Craptacular Big Ten Game Of The Week" Illinois vs Wisconsin. She's excited she gets to say Juice over and over today. (Us, too. That's just a fun word to mangle.)

I Heart Poop: The Raycom SEC football intro includes music from a 2nd rate pop-country band and an inexplicable shot of a Volvo car stereo. I guess they're just recycling their ACC intro. (Old hatreds die hard.)

fraganhome: Ah, must be MSU Saturday, which is a 5-day-long festival in case of victory, and a 10-day-long drinking binge in case of defeat. (Or, as we call it, preparing to go pro in a little thing called life.)

Anon: I think Larry Coker would rather be molesting the paper boy than calling this Miami-Wake Forest game. (We assume our anonymous friend meant this paper boy.)

And it would be wrong to close with anyone else but...

Signal to Noise: Kirk Herbstreit's blonde moppet children are straight-out Children of the Corn.

That's how it's done, kids.

First thing I learned at internet journalism camp - always bookend an upskirt with a downshirt. Maryland continues to only get up for the big games, winning their fifth straight against a top-25er by blanking Wake Forest 29-0. And Matt Grothe went touchdown happy as South Florida smashed Syracuse. In-progress, Ohio State is waaayyy up on Michigan State early, Oklahoma and Kansas are tied at 7 in the first, and Alabama is in tight against Miss after one.

Now what do Hugh guys have to say for yourselves?:

Another Alabama game for CBS today, which means Uncle Gary Danielson is already looking in the stands to see if John Parker Wilson's mom is there. - Signal2Noise

An Eastbound and Down/Smoky and the Bandit referernce? +1, Musberger, +1 - Chilltown

Wow. Outstanding start for Michigan State . . . to their basketball season, anyway. - kingdonut66

Ed Hochuli's gonna have a full inbox after this KU-OU game. - 1980DavidBowieFromTheMusicVideoAshesToAshes

Uncle Verne says Joe Willie Namath is at Bryant-Denny today. Tracy Wolfson better watch out for a surprise marriage proposal. - Signal2Noise

So, Lou Holtz apologized for his Hitler remarks from last night. If anyone has video of this, feel free to send along. Another guy who might have to issue an apology (a very personal one) is Terry Bowden, who wrote that his brother Tommy deserved to get canned.

Texas Tech and Texas A&M are locked into a pretty good battle; early the fourth quarter, Tech is up 30-23. Georgia has a one-touchdown lead on Vanderbilt, and Maryland is blanking Wake Forest 19-0.

(By the way, the picture - found here - accompanying this post has absolutely nothing to do with the games. I hope you don't mind too much.)

Onto your comments...

On Gameday this morning, someone in the 2nd or 3rd row had a sign that said "CHASE DANIEL HAS A FUPA". Hilarity ensued when some ESPN techie with a headset stood on something, reached over some fans, and ripped it out of their hands. Please tell me someone has video of this... - Namssor224

Purdue's playing badly enough to give Joe Tiller a case of the 'beetus. - s2nblog

I think Pam Ward could make stripper Jell-o wrestling with cock fighting in the background seem boring. - greenmightymoose

Jerrod Johnson looks like the second coming of JaMarcus Russell. Good running skills, big arm, even bigger appetite. - s2nblog

Cheering for Syracuse football is like cheering for rotary telephones, dial-up internet and Collective Soul. They haven't been relevant in years. - DoctaJ716

Tommy Bowden must be crying into his $4 million buyout while Dave Pasch and Andre Ware tickle his balls on air. - s2nblog

Either Lou Holtz just apologized, or Mushmouth said Fat Albert and Weird Donald were in trouble, I'm not really sure. - ChadSexingtonDS

The big showdown between the Daniels and the McCoys comes your way this evening. Meanwhile, couple of early shoot-outs going on between Syracuse/South Florida and Texas's A&M and Tech, and Georgia is up a touchdown on Jay Cutler's alma mater.

Was it obvious there I have no idea what I'm talking about? Hope not.

Here's some funny from those that do:

And Pam Ward continues her streak of calling Northwestern games and wasting an ESPN2 slot. She's dressed like a confused 3rd grade teacher. - drscooter19

I had a dream last night that I checked the score from the football game today against Penn State and we'd lost by some obnoxiously huge number. I just hope there's some shellac left over after the game, I've got some fruit that I'd like to use as decoration for my table. - fraganhome

The Clemson fans brought "Yabba Dabo Doo!" signs for new coach Dabo Swinney. Considering the way the offense has played, he looks like someone stole his Pebbles. - Signal2Noise

I really hope that if someone flew him out there, someone in East Lansing kicks Joe The Plumber's ass. That would be awesome. - AsInHowe

Tech vs. A&M. The last time I saw this much scoring, I had a hidden camera in a Tri-Delt bedroom. - DoctaJ716

Either Lou Holtz just apologized, or Mushmouth said Fat Albert and Weird Donald were in trouble, I'm not really sure. - Chad Sexington

I cannot possibly name my kid after Tim Tebow, can I? There's no question, as my Deadspin fans like to celebrate: He is my favorite athlete ever. He is a model person. It certainly wouldn't be a terrible choice, and it's actually a fine, normal name (unlike, say, naming your kid "Peyton," as so many in Tennessee did in the mid-1990s.)

But, no, while I won't reveal the top contenders — though I have received some great suggestions over the past 36 hours, including more than a few guesses it would be "Tim" — I will reveal that "Timothy" did not make the final cut, either as a first name or a middle name.

(No, "Tebow" did not make the cut for middle name, either. Though I appreciate you thinking it might... and though I'm not quite sure what that says.)

I will, however, offer an open invitation to Tim Tebow to come up for the bris, 8 days after the birth date. (Oh, you know why I want him there: Sure, you could NAME your kid after Tim Tebow, but it's a much better story to have him join the mohel for the circumcision. Tebow might even learn some new tips. Zing!)

Believe me: The Tebow/Shanoff-bris meme will be worked over on the blog between now and the bris itself. I cannot help it. As soon as I heard about Tebow's turn as the missionary mohel (after I knew my wife was pregnant), I knew I was on a collision course with this topic.

Who the fuck heard the story about Tebow circumcising third-world kids and thought to himself, "I WANT MY KID CIRCUMSIZED BY A HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER!" Dan Shanoff, that's who. Maybe Tebow could pose with Dan after the procedure, tucking the foreskin under his arm for a quick "Heisman" pose in scrubs.

Somebody get Florida's SID on the phone. This absolutely has to happen.

Yes, But Will Tebow Do The Circumcision? [DanShanoff.com]

Oh yeah, here's the rest of Hugh:

It's depressing watching Northwestern getting raped in a sea of white and green. —A prismism

And here's Pam talking about how she's a good luck charm for Northwestern, and what she thinks about blogs talking about here:

http://www.palestra.net/videos/play/16936—OfteHgheigh

I am not sure Andre Ware understands the physics of the sun.  He stated that the Illini player put his hand up to block out the sun even though his shadow is in front of him.  —tsatsekveer

i'm pumped full of hydrocodone from wisdom tooth surgery, so i didn't feel it when i spit out a stitch screaming for my Burnt Orange Brethren.  Tomorrow's going to hurt like a bitch....it was worth it. —DJ Mythic

So which is the bigger weekend sports smackdown thus far: Toledo v. UMich, Texas v. Oklahoma, or Brett Myers v. the Los Angeles Dodgers? —Red Machine D

Let's play the Hugh!

People who don't like flopping should step into the shoes of a theatre major/sports fan. That Oklahoma punter grabbing his knee at the end of the play was my Lawrence of Arabia. —Skolly Coddle Loo

The telecast of Texas-OU ought to be sent to the Academy Award voters, giving the degree of acting to get personal foul flags. Even Cristiano Ronaldo thinks it's a bit much. —Signal 2 Noise

Upon further analysis of their resumes, it appears the officials in the OU/Texas game attended the Ed Hochuli school of officiating.    —Herbies_Wingman

I'd like to thank WTAE in Pittsburgh for royally fucking up my college football watching.  I was all excited to watch Oklahoma and Texas.  I turn on ABC and what do I get?  Rutgers and Cincinatti.  NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING BIG EAST!  NOBODY! —Dr Scooter

Florida International's Mario Cristobal is the first Cuban-American head coach in D-1. Both the new stadium and the team are supported by rafters. —Jelloman 4

You see, the kids these days, they like throwing TDs to Jordan Shipley, which gives them the brain damage.  With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what Quan Cosby is all about.   Y'see, Quan Cosby is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it.  Quan Cosby is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither.  I've got it, Quan Cosby is like the new Coke - he'll be around forever! —Zombie Jesus X

Let's skip-to-my-Hugh...

Somebody gave Corso a gun.  Please forward all of my mail to Fiji. —Mr Red Devil 4 Ever

Lee Corso just shot some kind of Sooner rifle into the air, may or may not have killed a bird, but DEFINITELY spontaneously creamed his pants. —Mateo BC5

Fried banana split at the Texas State Fair? yes. and an angioplasty. —Slothrop

"We thought it was a little nutty when our Defensive Coordinator sacraficed our chicken before a game and slathered himself with it's blood, but then we remembered he was a white guy, so it was just kinda kooky." —Skolly Coddle Loo

You know it's a slow afternoon when the best national game is Alabama vs. Kentucky. Not that I don't love SEC football, I just can't stand watching Nick Saban succeed. Sadly that's been the story so far in Tuscaloosa, with the home team opening up an early 14-0 lead. Glen Coffee got things started when he went relatively untouched for a 78 yard scamper in the first quarter. Alabama added a defensive touchdown, before beginning quarter number two. Even Dicky Lyons Jr. would have a tough time dreaming up a positive outcome for his Wildcats.

Earlier today Kansas capped off a huge comeback to win 35-33 and Boston College held off NC State to win a thriller in the ACC by a score of 38-31. Chris Crane led the Eagles with 431 yards passing and 52 yards rushing. Matt Ryan's replacement guided the team on a game-winning drive in the waning minutes. Not too shitty.

Other Games of Interest:

(7) Texas Tech 14 - 14 Kansas State
Michigan 14 - 10 Illinois
Cal 17 - 0 Arizona State
South Carolina 24 - 21 Ole Miss

Blowing a 4th quarter comeback in pure Kirk Ferentz style, those Hawkeyes. Please tell me he has compromising photos of the Iowa AD or president, because I still can't explain why he has a job. -Signal2Noise

I still get the feeling that Rich Rodriguez is still confused on the sideline. The look on his face seems to say "Where the fuck is Pat White?!" -kingdonut66

Eddie Guns can't catch a break. Even Verne and Gary are making fun of Hochuli after the ref threw a flag on a Bama extra point. -Signal2Noise

NBC needs to get the memo to never show the ND student section. For every hot girl at Holy Cross, God planted a tree. For every hot girl at Notre Dame, God built a Golden Dome. -MUDaveFan

Alabama's Terrance Cody went down from 430 pounds to 360, according to Tracy Wolfson. He still looks like he's eaten a running back or two. -Signal2Noise

That's all for Hugh this week. Thanks to those of you that contributed. The rest of you are all going to hell. I'm sorry.

Update: Arkansas scored to get within ten, and now they have the ball back off of an interception at the end of the third quarter. Fuck.

Virginia Tech made their return to the top 25 this week (20) and they currently hold a seven-point lead over visiting Western Kentucky and their terrifying mascot in the second quarter. Stanford and Notre Dame have just gotten things going in South Bend, and don't pretend you aren't excited god damn it!

Fortunately the 3:30 games, highlighted by the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide taking on the Kentucky Wildcats, will offer up a bit more entertainment.

On to the comments!

I think the announcers have talked more about the coaches in Penn State-Purdue than the actual game. Not that I can actually blame them. -Signal2Noise

I think there's a KU guy who just follows Mangino around on the sidelines. I don't know if this is voluntary or if he just can't escape the gravitational pull. -don keyhotai

NOW I know why they created the Big Ten Network. So Indiana and Minnesota have their due. MUST CLICK OVER! MUST CLICK OVER! -kingdonut66

Oklahoma is executing this siege in Waco with precision the FBI wishes it had done 15 years ago. -Signal2Noise

As everyone knows, the Raycom Announcers for SEC games are ALL named Dave (Two in the booth, 1 on the sideline, no studio team). Despite those facts, this just happened: "Now let's go down to, uh.........Dave?" -Mr. Red Devil

If Tiller allows that kid to kick for the rest of the game, his team should be flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct, "utter dumbfuckery". Operation Shutdown begins . . . now. -kingdonut66

Keep them coming to The Hugh Johnson on AIM, or email them to unsilentmajority@gmail.com.

There are already ten games underway, four of which feature ranked teams, including the number one team in the land from Oklahoma. The Sooners are in Waco this afternoon facing a Baylor team that is really looking forward to this game being over. The Bears gave up a long touchdown pass to Manuel Johnson just 36 seconds into their opponents first drive. When Oklahoma got the ball back the next time they embarked on a more traditional 9 play 63 yard touchdown drive finished off by DeMarco Murray from two yards out. Fast forward a bit and the score becomes 28-0. In the first quarter. Nasty.

Other scores of interest:

Iowa State 17 - 0 Kansas (16) Ed. Note: Daaaamn.
(6) Penn State 10 - 0 Purdue
(12) Florida 7 - 0 Arkansas
Michigan State 13 - 3 Iowa
Minnesota 7 - 7 Indiana

The ACC sucks a bit too much to get any space so far, but if Duke does something spectacular I'll be sure to let you know... Okay, fine. Boston College and NC State are scoring on each other at will, and Chris Cane is well on his way towards a 400 yard passing day. Suck on that, Matty Ice. BC leads 21-17 in the second quarter.

On to the comments!

UF is at Arkansas. There are (at least) 4 white frat boys in the crowd that painted their faces black. Is there a "Black Out" at the game? No there isn't. Thanks for asking. -Mr. Red Devil 4 Ever

Penn St. Purdue and Iowa at Mich St? Didn't they create the Big 10 network so the rest of us wouldn't be subjected to this kind of thing? -iwishuwrentaliar (Ed. Note: That's the leader in the clubhouse for comment of the day.)

Sarah Palin can see Mangino from her house. -JelloMan 4

Best Gameday sign: "New Bailout Plan: Bet on the 'Dores." -Signal2Noise

Gameday brought Kenny Chesney on wearing a BoSox hat. Is there any team he doesn't jump on the bandwagon for? At least he hates Notre Dame. -Signal2Noise

JoePa injured his leg while showing his players an onside kick. There's no punchline. It's just that funny. -drscooter 19

I was up until 4 AM today reading a romance novel, in a (most likely) vain attempt to impress a girl. Thank goodness I have football to allow me to regain my masculinity. I mean, yes, it's only Michigan football, so I still remain pretty girly, but at least there's some violence. -fraganhome

Big Ten Network just showed a commercial ending with JoePa real close to the camera going "COME TO PENN STATE!" while crapping his pants. That guy needs Depends. -drscooter 19

Just heard from an Iowa fan who described his team's defense as a "Bend & Suck" defense. Make of that what you will. -kingdonut66

No. 7 Texas 31, Arkansas 3. Colt McCoy squares off against Casey Dick. I actually typed that up without laughing. The Longhorns already have three sacks. Man, Dick is getting pounded. They could have played this game at my house.

No. 15 Auburn 14, Tennessee 6. I love it how Auburn lines up on offense, then all of them look over to the sideline for the play. Does that remind anyone else of the Dexter Lake Club scene in Animal House?

Houston 21, No. 23 East Carolina 10. Nice hanging out with you Skip Holtz. Looks like your ride's here.

Florida State 19, Colorado 7.

West Virginia 21, Marshall 3.

Navy 17, No. 16 Wake Forest 7. Gotta love that ACC.

And now your final lap of Hugh:

Erin Andrews begins to wonder what Terrelle Pryor looks like without a shirt on.—Zombie Jesus X

Some guy on CBS said "There were 140 plays per game on average in the SEC last year, and only 130 per game this year. That's a 10% decrease in plays ran."  Seems like someone wasn't exactly a math major. —Dr Scooter19

If Rich Rodriguez threatened to make players that turn the ball over hang out with Michael Phelps for a couple hours, they wouldn't have a problem anymore. —ahp9

I was napping, woke up to Auburn recovering a Tennessee fumble in the end zone, and Fulmer looking like he needed an extra order of Chik-fil-A for halftime. That was a Vol season summary in five seconds.—Signal 2 Noise

Rich Rodriguez: "I paid $4 million for THIS?!" . . . West Virginia: "We got $4 million for WHAT?!" —King Donut66

Thanks to everyone that sent in their comments.

If you think this video's blurry, how do you think that asshole that got his helmet blown off feels? That's what I thought, sucka.

'Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water' and 'The end of the Miami/UNC game was Oregonstateesque' - Andre Ware had been waiting all game to bust those out.-Ahp9

Just saw the first ever 9 point swing on 1 play. A 97-yard touchdown throw for Indiana called back for holding in the endzone, which was a safety for Michigan State.—Chilltown [Ed: wouldn't that be an 8-point swing?]

I just saw two miami backup QBs give a synchronized hand motion play call.  I must be on more drugs than the hurricane secondary. —Zombie Jesus X [Ed: Just saw three QBs do it for Indiana against Michigan State, and "only one of those was the real call." Wonder which one?]

This version of the Hugh Johnson Project is brought to you by Washington St. coach Paul Wulff and his strict nutrition standards (via: SbB):

"We're making kids eat their meals," says Wulff, the WSU coach. "They were burning a lot of money by not even eating," Wulff says. "So now we chart every week's meals, how they ate."

"We have our own little training table, which has really good food," Wulff explained the other day in an interview from Pullman. "They're required to eat X amount of meals a week. Kids weren't eating them. Therefore, you have kids not growing. They aren't putting in the proper calories."

All coaches say they care about their players, but man, can anyone claim to be as creepy care as deeply as Paul Wulff does?

Tebow's Florida Gators took all of their vitamins today, and are spanking Tennessee, holding the Vols scoreless with the fourth quarter just getting under way.

Akon steamrolled Army by 19 points; BYU no-hit Wyoming; and Arizona is up by three touchdowns over UCLA.

And now, your witticisms ...

Michigan State decided to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month by having Sparty wear a sombrero and a fake moustache. It was very very disturbing. — Yostal

Over/under on how many weeks Jimmy Clausen makes an appearance on hotchickswithdouchebags.com: 6. — s2nblog

MSU linebacker Brian Long has been on Jimmy Clausen's ass so much today it's making Brady Quinn jealous.

I just want to say as an avid college football fan and gambler, HOW THE HELL does Mizzou not cover the spread at home against Buffalo? Does the Bills success cary over to college ball now? — PooolMan

Beamer's making Butch Davis look like Paul Brown. - FrankBeamersGoiter

There's a Paulus warming up on the sidelines for UNC and I think he's the Duke PG's younger brother, so boo him on principle. — s2nblog

NC State stunned #15 Eastern Carolina today. After State got the game into overtime, Andre Brown caught a ball, ran ten yards and asked his teammates to follow him ... to FREEDOM! They obliged.

Other winners today so far include Clemson (which blanked South Carolina State), Boston College, Northwestern, Georgia Tech, Penn State in a total romp of Temple, Purdue over Central Michigan, and Alabama who destroyed Arkansas.

Iowa's Steeler like haberdashery at Heinz Field is confusing me greatly. This could be a side effect of listening to Ward/Bentley though. — Yostal

Iowa football: The Whitest Kids U Know — ahpasche

My goodness, these Ryder Cup crowds are pretty hostile. Wait, this is the Natalie Gulbis Project, right? A/S/L? — skollycoddleloo

Dr. Lou would diagnose Tennessee's problem as a chronic case of fumbleitis. Dr. Fulmer will be self-medicating with another order of hot wings at halftime. — s2nblog

Full credit to the NC State Wolfpack fans, who got a simultaneous, cross stadium, two-tone bull-$h#t chant going after a poor call (later reversed.) It broke new ground in the mass profanity department. —Yostal

raycom got bored with the Bama/Arkansauce game and decided to bring out the WACKY FIRST DOWN MARKER!!!!! it has added considerably more intrigue to the game. — dammit trey

Iowa playing Pittsburgh to the death should be less figurative and more literal. — MythMan12

Barack Obama's right hand man isn't exactly a fan of Ohio State's football team:

Speaking to members of the University of Delaware football team Friday morning, the Democratic VP candidate said he thinks the Fightin Blue Hens (1-1 this season) could thrash a certain team from Ohio.

"I was out in Ohio," he said while fiddling with a football in his hands. "I told the folks in Ohio that we'd kick Ohio State's ass!" (It remains unclear if Biden actually ever told Ohio voters this.)

Do OSU fans have voting rights?

Ohio State must've been inspired by Biden's words, as they went out and pounded Troy by 18 points this afternoon. Take that, Joe!

No word on how the Democratic VP candidate feels about Minnesota, but they just finished beating up on Florida Atlantic. Purdue and Central Michigan are in a tight one late in the fourth quarter, and East Carolina and N.C. State are locked in an absolute nail biter with seconds remaining.

Onto your comments ...

The Syracuse Orange Drinking Game
- Impotent offense produces SHOCKING three-and-out (drink)
- Vasoline-covered defenders lead to broken tackle (drink)
- Dantley overthrows seventh row (drink twice)
- Secondary stares into space while NW scores on 80-yard TD pass (finish beer)
- Announcer mentions "Greg Robinson" and "hot seat" in same paragraph, as if he's breaking earth-shattering news (take shot)
- Announcer wistfully eulogizes the "once proud tradition" of Syracuse football (insert bottle of whiskey directly up your ass)
- Northwestern wins by more than 2 touchdowns (purchase bottle of 151, rifle, high-powered scope, perch on top of dome, wait for Greg Robinson) — DoctaJ716

FIU opens their new stadium against USF at 5 today. The entire structure is held up by Ned's crutches. — JelloMan 4

Every time the camera shoots over to Kirk Ferentz, he looks like a man who's pissed that he rejected NFL offers three or four years ago. -- s2nblog

Iowa's Steeler like haberdashery at Heinz Field is confusing me greatly. This could be a side effect of listening to Ward/Bentley though.— GoinYostal

I was sure that Joe Paterno was dead, he already looks mummified — JobasHut62

(Eh, close enough.)

All of the games so far today are still in their infancy (though the suspense has completely been extinguished in the contests involving Penn St., Alabama and Georgia Tech), which means we shall turn to our good friend "the dick joke" to get us through the early afternoon.

But before we do that, won't you please enjoy these lovely lasses from the University of Florida.

Thanks to everyone who's submitted something so far; don't be shy to hit up the AIM, everyone else.

They just said that Tom O'brien has been an offensive coach for 30 years. It doesn't show. —MrRedDevil4Ever

Who but the Fighting Wannstaches could fumble away their first possession? — MythMan12

There has to be a word for all the praise being heaped on Golden Tate by the ND faithful. "Rained?" No, that's not it... "Bathed?" No.. that's not it either. - Chad Sexington — IncredibleNYC

The most notable graduate of East Carolina University is WWE owner Vince McMahon. The only notable graduate of East Carolina University is Vince McMahon. Do with what information what you will. – AsInHowe

Congratulations ECU for keeping your scoreless first quarters streak alive. Celebrate by allowing a touchdown on the first play of the second! — GoinYostal

Sean Glennon's younger brother is the third-string QB for NC State, and apparently was the 3rd ranked QB when recruited. Shouldn't your ranking be dropped a little if your immediate family sucks? – s2nblog

/Yes, absolutely./

Hugh IV:

Weis-mania!

The rain sure is coming down in Notre Dame. I haven't seen this many wet Catholics since Sarah Palin's RNC speech. —Sussman

I thought I felt a tremor here in Milwaukee, WI while watching the Purdue game ... My friend told me a ND player took out Charlie Weis' knee on the sidelines ... He should watch out for his players and not the cheeseburger vendors –orion5417

Charlie Weis just got an injury worse than Brady's. Because when he falls back on himself, there is far more weight putting force on the knee. –AsInHowe

[Enrico: ya think?]

Tom Brady and Charlie Weis are still so in synch that they will soon have matching ACL/MCL surgeries. –Slothrop

Charlie Weis gets run into by one of his own guys and comes back with a brace and crutches. This will put a crimp in his eating motions, as the legs are important for the posture of one's gunt.
That's what bad karma will get you, Charlie. Should have accepted Dana's apology. –S2Nblog

The real tragedy as a result of Charlie Weiss injuring his knee is on his 40 time to the buffet. -Herbies_Wingman

So far, this has been a banner weekend in the Pac-10. Washington State got killed by Baylor, Cal got wasted by a Maryland team that lost to East Tennessee State, Oregon's losing to Purdue big and I don't even want to talk about UCLA/BYU. You could say that the day could be saved by USC beating Ohio State, but that would be ignoring the fact that everyone else in the Pac-10 hates USC. –Jwaldman11

Can the entire Pac10 blame today on the pacific time zone? –ahp9

The Stormin' Mormons are up 42-0 at the half over the Hollywood Heathens of UCLA. If the Cougars get to 70 or more, they will clap very loudly in Provo and have a modest get-together in celebration. –S2Nblog
Sam McGuffie is the new Great White Hope –KillerB66

The football gods are obviously friendly with Brigham Young and Joseph Smith. Even a cheap shot at a field goal goes wide for UCLA. -S2NBlog

"Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bulls". I see we're now paraphrasing Berman on college highlights. How long til Erin Andrews busts out, "You're with me, Tebow"? –ZombieJesus

It's not even raining in South Bend, Lou Holtz is just having a lengthy conversation. –Kphelps

Hugh Part III:

Who is the more irrelevant human being? Mizzou's punter or Color commentor DeMarco Farr? –ahpaschen

If Raycom sports go off the air, who will air the hearty asswhippings that the SEC hands out to mighty programs like UAB? I sure how they'll have the LSU North Texas tilt this evening. –Slothrop

The definition of nightmare fuel are back-to-back games featuring Pam Ward and Tom Hammond. It's one of the few times I'm glad I don't have HDTV. -asinhowe

Pam Ward just said if a fumble would have been a baseball play, it would have been difficult to score. I for one am convinced Pam Ward has no difficulty scoring. –DaveWannstache

Jeff Tedford calls onside kick, his team fails to cover it, Terps score — yup, we have a Tedford Collapse three weeks early. –S2N

Ahhh, the SEC returns to CBS. It's not football season without jowly Uncle Verne and Crazy Cousin Gary talkin' about ESS-EE-CEE speed. –S2N

That Iowa-Iowa State trophy looks about as heavy as a NERF football –texasmetsfan

Your ironic shot of the day: they were panning across a line of BYU fans, and one of them flashed devil horns to the camera. For an encore, I'm expecting the BYU cheerleaders to do a crotch chop after every first down. –jwaldman11

Instead of Lloyd Carr's rushes up the middle for no gain, we now have the Rich Rodriguez screen pass for no gain. –AsInHowe

Why does Jimmy cCausen look like Ashley Simpson in her good days? –Kphelps08
Jimmy Clausen is the prettiest princess. –S2N

if frank halliburton goes to the nfl, will his first deal be a no bid contract? –TheChuckster

DId the SEC bring in a Pac10 officiating crew for the UGA/USC game? –Slothrop

The refs have thrown more flags during UGA/South Carolina than you'll see on July 4th. –S2N

I guess teams have not yet figured out that Chase Daniel can be effectively distracted by a well-placed ribeye steak and mash potatoes –ZombieJesusX

The Wolverines are getting paid to throw this game. That is the only explanation for not 1, but 2 fumbles on kickoffs. The field and the ball cannot be wet as it has not rained in 3 hours in South Bend. Say it ain't so, Rich –ChrisDaniel

If UVA finds a way to lose against UConn and/or Duke, General Lee will be rolling over in his grave. And I'm talking about the car. – ZombieJesusX

This Georgia/SC game will be over in time for Hurricane Zelda - Tuffenstein

And just to get this out of the way for all you commenters: No, no.