Preliminary efforts to contact Gourmet Spud proved unsuccessful. He's probably doing something Canadian, like tapping a Maple tree or listening to Alanis Morissette albums, so I have set up a new Twitter account for The Hugh Johnson Project.

Join me at @project_hugh on Twitter, would you?

See you there.

• "Just watched an ad for the mls on the notre dame channel. Guess their target audience is fans of bad football?" - MattIsATwitNow

• "Am I the only person who was disappointed that Lou Holtz didn't shit his pants? It's a hope I have each and every Saturday in the fall. I leave disappointed everytime." - drscotter19

• "why have I been watching college football when the CFL is on? Allez Alouettes! Alouette, je te plumerai" - twoeightnine

• "Okie State uses flash cards to call their plays. Should have known" - davidatl44

• "Jesse Palmer just did finger guns to describe "all cylinders firing." METAPHOR FAIL." - sportnspice

Perhaps he was was still reeling from the Marinovich pics?

• "first gameday with new hdtv - after seeing corso in hi-def, might switch to radio". - dmboyer

• "every late hit on paulus makes America giggle." - jeremycham

" "If Navy comes back and beats Ohio State, how are they going to get the ships into Columbus to finish the capture? LOGISTICS ISSUES!!!!!" - kingdonut66

• "I can't wait to see them send Paulus out on defense and watch him slap the field. Someone shoot me. I fuckin hate him." - gregkoko

• "Because when I think college football, I think country singers who in the past have been accused of being homosexuals. Kenny Chesney? "IT'S GOLD, NORBY!"" - kingdonut66

• "Pam Ward and Ray Bentley on TV must [be] like what a blind person hears during an abortion." - jarpav

• "Only Yankees think that "Cocks" jokes are funny. Go back to your pansy NFL." - WolfeReports

Maybe I will, smart guy. Maybe I will.

• "With Paulus under center, I haven't wanted to see a QB get pancaked this bad since that punk Jeff George was playing." - FakeChuckKlosterman

• "Paulus hasn't forgotten how to flop, dove out of bounds rather than be touched." - theamann44

• "So at what point in the second half does Greg Paulus throw three bad passes, run back to the goalpost and allow all three INT's to score? I should've TiVo'd this shit." - kingdonut66

• "It's days like today where I wish College Gameday was sponsored by Hooters." - mattberry05

• "Seven followers, @TheHughJohnson? You are the Baylor Bears of Twitter." - damonbeau

• "Do they even have college football in Canadialand? Or colleges?" - therru [Ed. note: There's an adult learning centre located somewhere outside Winnipeg, I think.]

And one more from kingdonut66: "If Dr. Lou EVER says "Illinoise" again, I have a feeling a band of midwesterners will set up a committee to skull-rape him . . . with Penny Marshall's dick."

Seems fair. Keep them coming, gentlefolk.

It seems like only three years and three days ago that the Mighty MJD unveiled his weekly reader-fueled college football feature on the quivering, pre-Twitter masses. If you're new to the project, here is his original manifesto, which is just as applicable today:

What is hopefully going to make the Hugh Johnson Weekend Project a success is what makes Deadspin itself so awesome: You. The idea is to have people who are watching different games in different parts of the country send their observations in, and the best of them will be compiled into one informative, entertaining, pants-tightening post that touches on a bunch of different games. Ideally, there will be a few of these throughout the day on Saturdays and Sundays (when we'll be starting a little earlier than usual).

When games start on Saturday (and eventually, on Sundays), if you've got a thought or observation on something noteworthy happening in the game you're watching, send it via AOL Instant Messenger to ["The Hugh Johnson" or, via Twitter @TheHughJohnson]. It could be anything from a particularly amusing Steve Spurrier tantrum, a brawl erupting in a MAC game or a third-string tight end for William & Mary has an embarrassing stain on the back of his pants.

And there you have it. Meet us at "The Hugh Johnson" on AIM, or at @TheHughJohnson on Twitter. We'll be the ones wearing the beer helmet and disturbingly short cut-off jersey.

Pat White: 26-32, 332 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT. Hakeem Nicks couldn't swing the ball behind his back enough times to prevent his quarterback from throwing his own INTs, leading West Virginia to an unlikely 31-30 comeback win. However, at least one pre-eminent Deadspin live blogger saw it coming:

I don't like UNC's chances down the stretch unless they take their gangliest senior leader and give him a bloody nose.

And Signal to Noise might see things differently next time (and what's a Hugh! without him?):

With his gravy train headed to be the next Antwaan Randle El on Sundays, it's no wonder Bill Stewart told Butch Davis "I don't want to ever play you again" after eking out a one-point win.

Yeah, so that was fun. And don't settle for our word; ask a semi-anonymous tipster:

I was watching the Meineke Car Care Bowl between West Virginia and UNC. With about 4:00 left in the 4th quarter, West Virginia got a sack on Carolina. The guy that sacked the QB was named John Homes or Holmes... Either way... Sounds like the former porn star that was very well endowed. The announcer said the following after the sack: "John Holmes.... HUGE..... *pause* Play here in the 4th quarter"...

And after he said it, his voice sort of changed and it sounded like he was trying not to laugh...

Again: HUGH!

PooolMan wanted us to share more FAU dance team pictures with you:

And we want to prepare you for the Emerald Bowl tonight:

Hugh will now step back into the shrubbery of Athens, GA, and leave you with your own snarky comments. Remember him when you hear the baritone sound of Pam Ward's occasionally accurate play-by-play. Be strong; be smart; be HUGH!

North Carolina leads West Virginia 23-21 at the half as a track meet has broken out. For all the credit both quarterbacks deserve in this game (as well as the secondaries of both teams), the wide receivers have been absolute beasts. We flicked three-year-olds off us at the holiday party with more effort than Hakeem Nicks and Alric Arnett have needed on their touchdowns.

We're a little worried some of you boughed your own holly a little too far this holiday season, as represented by Hugh contributor DH86SJ: 

last night was awesome because of the jager bombs and white castle. these are also the things that are making me miserable today. along with the NBA-grade defenses in the meineke car care bowl.  i'm a bengals fan, so seeing both teams score confuses me.

We love you, man, and we give you total permission to roll over on the couch and sleep it off. We'll cover the bowl games in the morning so you can just write it off on the blackout.

We owe thanks to Hugh contributor PooolMan:

Just a quick FYI, Schnelly did lead us to a New Orleans Bowl victory last year (quickest ever in D1), also you are welcome for our dance team.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Last word goes to our own Matthew Bartholomew Sussman:

For Pat White's final college game, I don't think it was very nice to paint a very faded NFL logo at midfield. If anything, a very vibrant CFL logo was the way to go.

There is nothing wrong with the Henry Burriss career path. Unless you're the Chicago Bears, we mean.

Hugh's still open for business at "TheHughJohnson" on AIM. We'll see him stumble back out in a curiously untied robe at the end of the Meineke Car Care Commercial.

Other scores:

Southern Cal 14, UCLA 7, First Quarter winding down. Matt Sanchez already had 122 yards passing and a TD pass, and then found Damian Williams for another. But UCLA is already past midfield and looking to tie it up again.

Your noon finals:

Virginia Tech 30, Boston College 12.

Pittsburgh 34, UConn 10.

Navy 34, Army 0.

California 38, Washington 0.

And now for your stretch run of Hugh:

Pam Ward is doing a D2 playoff game this week.  This might be a step up in quality from her weekly Northwestern game. —Scumdog0331

so President Bush sat on the Army side of the stadium for the first half...apparently he was the Army offensive coordinator the whole game —Jhar008

drscooter19: Ah, Pam Ward calling ACC football. Boston College is filled with dickbags named Sully. Maryland has crabs.  Not the tasty kind from the sea either.  The crotch ones.  DOES MY HATE PLEASE YOU?!? (Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. So... yes.)

Signal to Noise: The Bayou Classic, where the halftime battle of the bands is much more important than the football. OSU can take its script "Ohio" and stick it where the sun don't shine.

Both bands decided to spell out "OBAMA" this year, for obvious reasons. The Louisiana GOP is already angling for equal time. (In an odd juxtaposition, the Louisiana GOP could be found in Iowa last weekend.)

drscooter19:  Mark Mangino's WIkipedia page includes this line "Mangino's hobbies include eating and being a fat fuck." And I don't see why they would take that down as "non-factual". (Wikipedia only recognizes metric fornication as a measurement of weight.)

Chilltown: Mark Mangino: the only man who can sweat in a snowstorm. (We sense a trend.)

Himagain: The announcers just pointed out how composed Mangino stayed...what's he going to do, jump around? (So... he's large?)

And now Brad Nessler will try too hard...

Herbie's Wingman:  Brad Nessler just said Jeff Demps for Florida is "as fast as a rabbit in love".

Mr. Red Devil: Brad Nessler just dropped this gem on us:  "They say that Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas." (Brad, honey, we already have a Keith Jackson. His name is Keith Jackson.)

dmoney4sho27:  No matter what a 38-year old mother of three tells you, there is no sex in the Kinnick Stadium bathroom. (Anyone remember when Chris Rock was still alive? Those were good times.)

And your flashback finale...

Mr. Red Devil: I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that all FSU fans are Communists. Especially Camp Tiger Claw.

kingdonut66:  My dad is a Vietnam vet and always scoffs at us when we call a rainstorm a "monsoon".  Well Dad, I love ya . . . but . . . IT'S A FUCKING MONSOON IN TALLAHASSEE!!!!!

You bastards are strong. You beat back the forces of kindness to your fellow man and took a huge squat on the Saints' lease cars of justice. We love you all.

Signal to Noise: Mizzou is dressed in some sort of mustard/piss yellow, and are appropriately shitting the bed against Kansas despite causing turnovers. Remember when Chase Daniel was a Heisman candidate and not just the pizza delivery guy? (No?)

lt.winslow: little known secret. patrick nix is, in fact, the antichrist. (Deadspin: your source for Satanic news.)

Signal to Noise: Lee Corso is apparently now doing Hooters ads like his buddy Dickie V. I wonder if he offered to show the waitresses his merkin. (We hear it goes more like this: #1 - Put your huge head in a box...)

Camp Tiger Claw: Trev Alberts: "You continue doing what you do. That's what you do." No wonder he's been a consistently shitty television personality for years. (Consistent performers are hard to come by.)

Tom: The color analyst in the KU-MU game just called Dezmon Briscoe Inspector Gadget. Excellent work cock hound. (We just like the phrase "cock hound". Release the cock hounds! Yes, it's lovely.)

anskyman2004: You have to love GT's triple option offense. Every girlfriend watching this game with their boyfriend lets out a collective "What the hell are they doing??" everytime Josh Nesbitt snaps the ball. (Well, maybe if your girlfriend is Patrick Nix.)

kingdonut66: Todd Reesing is getting more shit thrown at him than anyone in the Animal House food fight, yet Missouri's defense sucks and is wearing jerseys that they probably vomited on this morning before the game and therefore are awful. Big Twelve Football - Where Nothing Happens Outside Of The States Of Texas And Oklahoma. (Which is the exact inverse of real life.)

drscooter19: Captain Munnerlyn was hurt in the Clemson/South Carolina game. The announcers then made a joke about Captain Munnerlyn not being a captain on the team. If my name were Captain, I wouldn't be playing football. I would have killed myself by now. (To be fair, he was born Private Munnerlyn and worked his way up the family ranks.)

IconOGrill: Pretty sure I just saw Mark Richt say, "Bathtub pillows world peace clock," which is means he's channeling his inner Les Miles and the game is officially blown. (It's one thing to speak in tongues; it's another to translate them. We're officially impressed.)

Signal to Noise: 23 unanswered points for Georgia Tech and they lead 35-28 in Athens, partial help thanks to Matthew Stafford neutering himself by balancing 4 TDs with 2 picks... and Stafford still has a fetus face. (This isn't stopping Michael Phelps, now is it?)

lt.winslow: the canes just put jacory back in, down 10 with 7 minutes left to play... at which point i receive the following text: "if he leads us back again i'll drive to coral gables and blow him" (We're sure the offer still stands. He's dreamy!)

drscooter19:  "South Carolina has the strongest forearms in the conference.  They just keep jerking balls away from Clemson."  There's a dick joke in here somewhere...just can't place my cock on it. (Keep probing.)

• It's halftime in Missouri and 3-0 Kansas. Approximately 32490834290 turnovers have marred the proceedings.

• Clemson has already thrashed South Carolina 24-0 and it's not quite halftime. Approximately 21309092913809810 turnovers have marred the proceedings.

• 21-12 Dogs versus Yellow Jackets in Georgia late in the second. It's a rainy mid-afternoon in Georgia.

• 14-7 Virginia over Virginia Tech at the half as the nerd schools continue to find themselves looking up at their bully older brothers.

And now your thoughts on the matter:

drscooter19:  I don't know what to do.  Normally I start drinking around this time to get through Pam Ward calling some awful Big Ten game, but that whole season is over. I guess I can flip over to the Big East Pissing Contest of the Week and take Wild Turkey to the face. Because that's the only way Big East football is OK to watch. (If you can't embrace the hate this weekend, you don't get college football. Use your aggressive feelings, drscooter19. Let the hate flow through you. )

Signal to Noise: ESPN is part of the liberal media conspiracy and believes in gun control. YOU CAN HAVE OUR GUNS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM LEE CORSO'S COLD, DEAD HANDS!...oh....carry on. (Will do.)

kingdonut66: Steve Spurrier squares off against Dabo Swinney in the ultimate battle of "Who Embarrasses Our State More?" (And to think we would have gone with Dabo Swinney blindly in nearly every other comparison on name alone...)

Camp Tiger Claw:
There are two kinds of Florida Gator fans
Ignorant Sluts and Insufferable Assholes
(Are you watching, drscooter19? And even in poem form!)

 jelloman4:  Some parents in Tallahassee dressed their baby up like Bobby Bowden for Halloween. The baby crapped his pants and spoke baby talk/gibberish all night to complete the effect. (Sounds like someone's getting cranky without their bedtime.)

And now, without comment or the least bit of fact-checking, we roll the playoff grenade into the room and slam the door behind us...

MIke Tomlin's Afro Dent: We all agree the BCS sucks, but here's what makes it even harder to stomach.  If you made an 8 team playoff using the current BCS Rankings, here are the first four games:

1. Alabama 11-0
 8. Penn State 11-1

 2. Texas 10-1
 7. Texas Tech 10-1

 3. Oklahoma 10-1
 6. Utah 12-0

 4. Florida 10-1
 5. USC 9-1

It picks up all the "Good One Loss Teams".  It leaves out the Big East and the ACC because the conferences are awful.  I don't understand why we can't do something like this.  All four of those games would be AMAZING. If you ran all 4 of those games on December 20, with the winners playing December 27, then the winners of that could play January 5 for the REAL national title.

image via College Game Balls

It's gonna be tough for Spurrier to blow his top with that visor of his. -fitz350z

North Carolina has a kid named Cooter Arnold. I only wish I had known sooner. -bluesteel2626

Brad Nessler said Minnesota and Wisconsin are play for Paul Bunyan's Ass. Maybe that's just his fantasy. -drscooter19

Steve Spurrier just asked Tracy Wolfson who she wanted to play at quarterback, had Danyelle Sargent been working the game she probably would have recommended Otto Graham. -Last of the Romohicans

I don't know who it's more of an insult to, but I just saw Steve Spurrier on the sideline and it looks like he has less of a clue what to do with Florida's defense than Will Leitch does with strippers. -Last of the Romohicans

There's a Chic-Fil-A commercial that shows cows parachuting onto the field. At first, I thought I had sat on the remote and turned on UT/Kansas and the mini-Mangino revolution was taking place. Now I know how people felt when War of the Worlds debuted.

The only thing more embarassing to Michigan fans than eight losses is Drew Henson's NFL career. Oh, and let's not forget App St. Well, atleast there's still basketball seas... Man, it's a good thing the auto industry is thriving, otherwise, there wouldn't be much to live for up there. -Last of the Romohicans

Boise St. now has a lead on Idaho and I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. There's enough people in that state for two institutes of higher learning? I feel like Sarah Palin when she found out Africa was a continent, not a sinus medicine. -Last of the Romohicans

I see no way that Steve Spurrier letting CBS' sideline reporter pick his QB for the 2nd half ends poorly...or worse than this retarded sub system is going. -ndeddiemac

If northwestern actually ends up winning 10 games this year i will paint my willie purple. -AustinBHavery

I'd like to see tha... no, no I wouldn't.

Apologies if I didn't post your thoughts, it's not that we don't love you. It's not you, it's me. (And my browser issues.) Come back next Saturday for all of your Johnson needs.

Terrelle Pryor just kissed James Laurinaitis's helmet. Yikes, that sounded much more Brady Quinn than intended -Zombie Jesus X

Auburn just realized a field goal isn't worth 4 points and took a time out with 4 mintues left to put the offense back on the field. The SEC, number one in math. -iconogrill

Auburn might get one more possession. There is a better chance, however, of someone shoving a feather up Tommy Tuberville's ass and he flies away to Clemson than of the Tigers scoring in less than 2 minutes. -iconogrill

Maryland vs UNC. ACC Football! CATCH THE AWFULNESS! -drscooter19

2 picks already? I'm pretty sure Spurrier still thinks he's calling plays for Florida -fitz350z

Shonn Greene needs to start being mentioned in the Heisman conversations. He's rushed for 1585 yards in 11 games and he's the ONLY back in the country to get 100+ yards in every game this season. —Lady Andrea

Trailing Florida, Steve Spurrier is now regretting his decision not to replace his defense with bathroom stall doors, which have been known to stop most Gators cold in their tracks. -IconOGrill

"I'm cold, I'm wet, we're losing, and now it's snowing. Clearly I'm just staying in this marriage for the kids." —Yostal, live from Michigan Stadium

In the Wisconsin game they just talked about how they'll get into the local music scene. I hear there's this 140-man band thats looking for gigs in Madison. -darktuba

Come on, kids! Keep the Hugh coming through the 3:30 games.

As mentioned, Notre Dame is ahead comfortably 27-7 so you can call off the Charlie Weis Death Watch for another week. Unless you mean it literally, in which case it's best to keep him on it if only because of his belt size. Penn State has opened up their lead to 27-7, and Illinois is getting killed by Ohio State 30-13. But the big game of the day looks to be the Georgia-Auburn matchup, in which the Bulldogs lead 10-6. Let's go upset!

The weird thing though is that all of these games have been giving HUGH a lot of conflicting emotions today.

Confusion:
"Why is ESPN showing OSU-Illinois and Northwestern-Michigan when Ithaca is playing Cortland State?" - Sean's Ramblings

Somewhat-veiled contempt:
"Trying to watch Notre Dame and Navy? 2 minutes and you'll be BEGGING to watch Big Ten football again." —www.midwesternbias.blogspot.com

Not-so-veiled contempt:
"Rutgers and South Florida is the Big East game of the week. Or as many like to call it, the "Who The Fuck Cares Bowl"." - drscooter19

Hatred of the geriatric:
my buddy went as a senior citizen for halloween and wore an actual Depends diaper...shenanigans ensue but i have a feeling this kinda thing happens all the time at ESPN now especially with Lou Holtz around. - tepman16

And fear of the geriatric:
"If there is such a thing as the "Blue Royster Cult", does that make Joe Paterno the Reaper?" - Alexander Holt

But let's finish it off with this witty ode to casual racism:

"Well, I had the mute on and ESPN was showing clips of Asians dressed in yellow windbreakers dancing at the Illinois game, apparently attempting to stay warm. Not even sure what to say here, since a "Chief Irriniwek" dance joke would be inappropriate on several levels. Dammit, maybe I should work for an ESPN call center." - Zombie Jesus X

The man himself Enrico will be handling the rest of your HUGH day. Send him your quips! But be gentle, even if he tells you he wants it rough. He's lying.

Tommy Trojan feeling blue — victim of classic prank [All Things Trojan]

Not a whole lot happening yet. Penn State is knotted up at 7s with Indiana, Michigan is up 14-7 against Northwestern, Ohio State is trouncing the Illini, Texas has a 7-0 lead over Kansas, and Auburn has a 6-0 lead over Georgia in your upset special. But enough of me, what about HUGH?

"Question of the day: are Charlie Weis' steel-belted trousers strong enough to withstand America's military might?" - FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

"The sound in the Michigan/Northwestern game just went out, proving that even God is tired of listening to Pam Ward." - JWaldman11

"I can't wait until the BCS is reorganized into the Obama Bowl." - greenmightymoose

"Pam Ward gets another Northwestern game. Makes me wonder if she's blowing the.....ah who am I kidding, there are no lesbian ADs." - drscooter19

"The Big 11 has a commercial in which they brag about Michael Wilbon. I'm speechless." - MrRedDevil4Ever

And since we started with Big Charlie, let's close out with him as well:

"Over/Under on crabcakes buried in Charlie Weis' sweatshirt: 42." - commenter "Chad Sexington"

Well done, folks. Keep 'em coming.

And wrapping up your Hugh for another Saturday. Thanks for everyone that submitted.

One of the announcers in the Duke/NCSU game just said "In the words of Johnny Cash, you gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em."  Somebody clearly doesn't like delicious roast chicken.  Or beards. —Adrockuw

the Big XII is hogging all the good teams, imitating the SEC. The SEC is hosting yet another shootout, aping the Big XII. I'm feeling all left out, why doesn't anybody wanna be like my beloved Pac-10!?? —Spacecowgirl01

Does anyone know how that couple in those Sonic commercials doesn't get a divorce?  —Yostal

Jerrod Lee throws another pick 6, or Touchdown After INT (TAINT) as Simmons likes to call it.  It's one of the few funny things he's come up with. —DrScooter19         

So after watching Georgia pull out a win against Kentucky and the unheralded Cowboys of Wyoming giddyup into Knoxville and knock off the Vols (more on that later), it's time for the big 3:30 game. Alabama scored early on a John Parker Wilson keeper, but LSU has answered with two scores of their own. Arguably for the first time all season, Alabama appears to have their hands full. No. 15 LSU 14, No. 1 Alabama 7, 2nd Quarter.

No. 9 Boise State 28, Utah State 14, 3rd Quarter. Boise State appears to be taking care of business. Two things about the Broncos. First, they round out their schedule at Idaho, at Nevada, and finish with Fresno State at home. Secondly, none of that could matter, as only one non-BCS conference team in the top 12 is guaranteed a big boy bowl. And Utah, two spots above Boise State in the BCS rankings, is really fucking with their destiny as it stands now.

No. 3 Penn State 10, Iowa 7. Come to Penn Staaaaaaaaaaate!
/shits pants

wait, what? oh, Nick Saban's back in town! And here I thought that with all that unfounded hate towards guys in red jerseys the Tigers must've been playing USC Trojans. -SpaceCowgirl01

John Parker Wilson just picked up a 15-yard flag for imitating the Verizon guy after scoring. —Signal2Noise

The Jug stays in Michigan, Pam Ward still sucks, and Nick Sheridan does not equal death.  It's a good day —Yostal

Wyoming just beat Tennessee in the "Two places no one wants to live Bowl" —Cjbrownb

Tennesse falls at home to the Wyoming. If you listen very closely, you can actually hear Clay crying in the distance. —Anskyman2004

Pittsburgh 41, Louisville 7. The Cardinals continue to struggle. Hunter Cantwell threw two picks, along with four team fumbles for good measure. Pitt somehow has come back from the veritable dead, as Dave Wannstedt finds himself at 6-2 with a level of job security that would have seemed unfathomable two months ago.

Ohio State 45, Northwestern 10. I don't understand Jim Tressel. He waits until the week after the biggest game of the year to start Terrelle Pryor, who might already be his best player on offense. And then today he fakes a punt with a 20-point lead. You, sir, baffle my sensibilities.

Michigan State 21, Purdue 7.

North Carolina 28, Ga. Tech 7.

Texas 45, Baylor 21, 4th Quarter. As good as over, really, but not as good as Hugh.

Kentucky blocks a punt and soon after takes the lead on Georgia. All the people without teeth rejoice!

[Nine minutes later]

Kentucky no longer leads... people without teeth, return to sleeping with your cousins now. —Anskyman2004

as they repeatedly fumble the football, it becomes clear that after losing to a nerd school last week, the gophers finally realized they were... the gophers. thus began the downward spiral from dreams of a possible rose bowl to just hoping for another disastrous motor city bowl berth. ah, humility. —SpaceCowgirl01

as a purdue fan and a fan of the forward pass watching the Purdue / Mich St game is like being stabbed over and over in slow motion for 3 and a half hours... —JoeyJoeJoe Man

Pryor is now dodging those sacks when the plays break down, and therefore making me wonder what he could have done in a real offensive system, unlike the Sweater Vest's "run, run, pass" formula. —Signal2Noise [You and me both, brutha. —Ed]

Photo via Getty Images.

Here's how much I hate you Nick Saban...If God himself were to swoop down from the heavens and offer to grant me one wish, any wish, that I so chose, I would pass on having him grant me obscene, Jay-Z levels of wealth, I would pass on him granting me a cock like the most obscenely hung woolly mammoth in world history, and I would pass on him granting me the ability to score epic Wilt Chamberlain-esque levels of ass until the day I died at 879. I would pass on everything to get the opportunity to travel back in time to be your mother's OB-GYN at the time of your birth.

Why would I wish for such a thing you ask? Well, here's why fuckface...So that I could engage in a Terminator-like mission to find your mother/Sarah Conner and destroy you, that's why!

Oh yeah. This is gonna be fun. Almost as fun as your first dose of Hugh.

at the bottom of the Big 10 standings was proof of the conference being better than everyone thinks it is. We did not get a camera shot to see if he had some of Jim Delany's DNA on his face while he said it. —Signal2Noise

The ESPN Halftime people just made a reference to Georgia Tech and UNC looking like the Montreal Alouettes and the Toronto Argonauts. That's a depressing outlook for the futures of those players. —Fraganhome

What would you say the chances are that the Little Brown Jug, is in fact, full of dog shit?—Anskeyman2004

Mich-Minn is the reason the terrorists hate us, mmmmm....field goals —ScumDog0331

An open letter to Nick Saban [Cajun Boy In The City]