Ichiro tells the New York Times:

"Chicks who dig home runs aren't the ones who appeal to me. I think there's sexiness in infield hits because they require technique. I'd rather impress the chicks with my technique than with my brute strength. Then, every now and then, just to show I can do that, too, I might flirt a little by hitting one out."

Ladies...

Ichiro believes the slap single can be a sign of sexiness[Big League Stew]

And it was a clubhouse in need of some direction, given the problems engulfing it as the season came undone. When it came to Ichiro, who got off to a typically slow start in April and part of May, the internal turmoil nearly hit its boiling point. "I just can't believe the number of guys who really dislike him," said one clubhouse insider. "It got to a point early on when I thought they were going to get together and go after him." The coaching staff and then-manager John McLaren intervened when one player was overheard talking — in reference to Ichiro — about wanting to "knock him out." A team meeting was called to clear the air.

That's from part II of a series on rebuilding the Mariners by Geoff Baker of the Seattle Times, who also points out that the Ms are the first franchise in major league history to lose 100 games with a $100 million payroll. At 58-100, the Mariners have quietly built the worst record in baseball, outstinking even the Padres (61-97) and Nationals (59-99). With four games left, the Mariners have a chance tie the franchise record of 104 losses set in 1978, the second year of their existence. More reachable: 1980’s 59-103, or 1983’s 60-102. And those three teams combined probably didn't have a payroll of $100 million.

And with team president Chuck Armstrong already ruling out high-priced free-agent acquisitions this winter, the pending free agency of main power threat Raul Ibanez and trade talk involving Adrian Beltre, it doesn't look good for 2009.

It's all been a strain even on the irrepressibly optimistic U.S.S. Mariner, who had this to say today:

I know I’ve tried to skate through the year a little, not spending too much time staring into the abyss, looking for bright spots like Morrow’s progression, or Ichiro’s play, but I paused after the game tonight and thought about the scope of this disaster for a while. The more I think about it, comparing how the team fell this far that it’s competing with those early expansion years, the more I wonder what I’m doing following this idiocy.

The Sonics are gone, the Seahawks don't look so hot ... even Frasier Crane is no longer around to talk residents down from the ledge. Not a great year to be a Seattleite.

He's pretty relaxed about it, though, in that laid-back, Zen sort of way that's, as always, probably part of a joke by the translator.

"To tell you the truth, some of this is kind of fun," Ichiro said. "To be in a situation this early in Spring Training and have this kind of a bit of intense environment is something that I couldn't experience before. Basically, it's a situation where I need to battle within myself, mentally. That's something that I haven't experienced at this time of year, and I get to experience that right now, and that is great for me. Once I get a hit it might actually make me sad that this experience isn't going to be here any more. But at the same time, I understand I need results."

We love the idea of Ichiro, after finally reaching first on a single, taking off his helmet and looking skyward as a solitary tear slows falls down his cheek. What he has lost can never be recovered, and he must trudge onward, brave, stoic, strong.

Ichiro Hitless In Spring, Still Not Excited About the Cleve [Walk Off Walk]

The Mariners are auctioning off life-sized — bigger than life-sized, actually — bobblehead dolls of Ibanez, Kenji Johjima, Felix Hernandez and Ichiro Suzuki. Bidding begins at $2,500 on the Mariners' home page.

Just for the sake of discussion — and to help you with your decision whether or not to buy — if you were to purchase a Real Doll, it could cost you $6,500. So this thing could pay for itself!

Supersized Mariners Bobbleheads [Home Run Derby]
Real Doll [Official Site] (NSFW)

(By the way ... commence "they need a Rick Ankiel lifesize bobblehead for Leitch ... NOW.)

Listen, we appreciate all La Russa has done for St. Louis, turning the franchise around after the dreary Joe Torre years, and, you know, winning that World Series last year. But now the rest of you understand the pain of being managed by a guy who just has to Make A Decision, even if it's in the face of logic and, more important (we are talking about the All-Star Game, after all), fun. Outstanding comeback. National League with every opportunity to finally win one of these. One of the best hitters in baseball — his own player! — ready and waiting to pinch hit. And La Russa has to pull one of his "I'm the manager and you cannot comprehend my wisdom" moves. He's been doing this crap for a decade in St. Louis, often in the postseason when the Birds could afford it the least. (One of the reasons St. Louis had its historic October run was because a depleted roster had tied La Russa's hands; he had no choice but not to tinker.)

Yes, Tony, we understand, the game could have gone into extra innings, and it's possible the National League would have run out of players. But Christ, man, you've got Albert Pujols with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth of a one run game! What do you want, anyway? As tends to be the case with La Russa anymore, he's so busy thinking about how he's three steps ahead of everyone else that he walks smack dab into a pole.

We love the guy, and we'll always appreciate him. But it's probably about that time, eh, Tony?

Public Enemy Number One [Contra Gooblar]

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

OK then! Well, they'd rather have Grady Sizemore anyway, thank you very much.

At Least We Know Ichiro Won't Sign With The Indians [Enjoy The Enjoyment]

"The ball became the same color as the sky,'' he said, through interpreter Ken Barron. "So, I wasn't able to see it ... I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area.'

"Usually, I don't send mental signals," Ichiro replied. "So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don't come my way."

It doesn't quite measure up to our favorite, from when he was discussing why the Mariners were struggling: "If there is a problem, we need to notice what creates the problem. The problem usually isn't just on the cover. You need to look much deeper. For example, if we're talking about a tree and the tree has a problem, you need to look at the root. But you cannot see the root. The mistake is to keep watering the fruit. That's not going to solve anything." Again, we'd love to know his interpreter a little better.

Ichiro And Mental Signals [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
Ichiro Continues To Lose It A Bit [Deadspin]

Because we grew up in the middle of a cornfield surrounded by nothing but grain silos and chubby cows, the whole Boston Red Sox/New York Yankees madness sometimes escapes us. But even we can't ignore the inherent excitement of a Dice-K vs. Ichiro matchup tonight at Fenway Park.

If we were having any trouble having our interest nerves rankled, here's a DOUBLE HAPPY SMILEY YOW! quote from Ichiro about the matchup that will stir the souls of even the most placid observer.

"I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul," he says. "I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

Outstanding. Totally reminds us of when Manny Ramirez said something similar about facing Mariano Rivera for the first time.

"You know what would be great right now? A sandwich. Sandwiches are awesome."

They are awesome. They really are.

Dice-K Vs. Ichiro: History To Repeat [Seattle Times]
Our Flag To April's Breeze Unfurled [Soxaholix]

On Wednesday, Daisuke Matsuzaka will make his Fenway Park debut ... and it's not just a big day for him and the Red Sox, it's also huge for the Japanese baseball fans. Because it's not only Dice-K out there; he's going to face Ichiro Suzuki. If only they could pull Hideki Matsui off the DL for a day and let him pinch hit.

Anyway, as Digital Headbutt points out, this is hardly the first time Matsuzaka and Ichiro will meet ... and, historically, Dice-K has owned Ichiro. It's pretty rare you see Ichiro look as bad on three consecutive at-bats as he does in this video. We look forward to it, mostly because it will be SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME YAY!

Japan Is Going To Implode On Wednesday [Digital Headbutt]

Via Seattlest and The Fanhouse, here's a video of some sort of "mind challenge" game show featuring the Mariners' Ichiro Suzuki. He seems to rather serious about the game, and, frankly, we're kind of intimidated, even though, obviously, we have no idea what he's saying.

"If there is a problem, we need to notice what creates the problem. The problem usually isn't just on the cover. You need to look much deeper. For example, if we're talking about a tree and the tree has a problem, you need to look at the root. But you cannot see the root. The mistake is to keep watering the fruit. That's not going to solve anything."

This doesn't appear to be a translation issue, but rather some curious philosophizing on Ichiro's part. We really tried to follow it, but we got kind of confused around the "look deeper into a tree to see if you should water the fruit" section. Which part is the root again?

Ichiro The Philosopher [Seattlest]

First of all, the show is called, "Furuhata Ninzaburo Final" and it aired on Fuji-tv. Ichiro reportedly had quite a few lines and is said to have executed them perfectly after showing up two hours before his parts were scheduled to be shot. "He came up big for us," said the show's producer.

Typically, celebrity guests are given parts where they play criminal perpetrators in the detective series, which has been running on and off since 1994. Ichiro is reported to be a fan of it. The series stars actor Masakazu Tamura in the role of Furuhata.

By the way, the guy on your site who made the remark about Ichiro killing a guy by slapping him 262 times—-freaking priceless. I'll be snickering about that one for a while.

We love, by the way, the way he's looking at that aluminum bat. Ichiro Smash!

Japan Baseball Daily
Ichiro Will Kill You For Ratings [Deadspin]

The Ichiro who goes back to Japan in the offseason? His lifelong dream is to play a murderer on a Japanese murder mystery show. He realized that dream last night, appearing as a vengeful brother in the popular program "Tamara." Our spy in Japan — our Mata Hari, if you will — tells us:

in this evening's offering of the japanese colombo detective, tamara, ichiro, appearing as himself, intervenes in a blackmail against his brother and murders the blackmailer.

clever and obviously a play for a post baseball career opportunity for our lad. he performs credibly, even playing himself.

You see, that's our favorite part. It's not just that he desperately wanted to play a murderer ... it's that he wanted to play himself playing the murderer. Maybe Kobe should try this.

TV's Digital Future Gets One Year Closer [The Yomiuri Shimbun]

(By the way, we know the site is loading slow today. We're working on it. Sorry.)