Memphis was supposedly decimated when John Calipari took everything but The Door with him on his way out of town, but the 32-year-old head coach took his rag tag bunch of SAT fakers into St. Louis and nearly knocked off the No. 1 team in his second game. Their conference (and the rest of their schedule, really) is still very winnable so expect a lot more "boy genius" stories before this year is out. Maybe someone will take a picture of him at an actual game before the year is out too. (Seriously, this is all the AP has on him.)

Honorable Mention: Matt Bradley. He had to leave the Rangers-Capitals game last night after getting beat up in the first period and got six stitches over his right eye. Then he scored the game-winning goal with five minutes to go in the third. That's a so-so night. [Wash. Post]

Isiah Thomas: He won a game! He won a game! I don't believe what I just saw! [Sun-Sentinel]

* * * * *

As mentioned earlier, we're trying something new this week. Since Barry's last post is actually the first thing that most of you see when you get up in the morning, that's the new "Wake Up, Deadspin!" So keep sending your "Morning Crap" photos and they'll generally end up there. Then I'll be making this spot the new daily version of the "Weekend Winner," as way to highlight one key story from last night's sports action. Is this a good idea? Who the hell knows? We're holding this thing together with paper clips.

If this upsets your rigid, Rain Man-like morning schedule, I apologize. There's still ten minutes to Wapner.

His Florida International team got blown out of Tulsa yesterday, losing 81-49 to the Golden Hurricane, its third double-digit loss in three games. But the story, as always, was Isiah. Midway through the second half, it seems, Thomas gestured testily toward Tulsa coach Doug Wojcik in what I assume was standard coaching semaphore for, "Pull your goddamn starters; a few more blowouts like this, and I'll never get that DePaul job." Minutes later, according to the Associated Press, he began yelling at Wojcik. Wojcik merely shrugged.

"It's a 40-minute game. If you want the truth of it, go back to the (North) Carolina game Monday night, when Carolina was pressing them with 3 minutes left," Wojcik said, referring to FIU's 88-72 loss at North Carolina. "I don't press, and I don't embarrass anybody. But it's a 40-minute game, and I'm in this game to get better.

"I've never seen anything like that. It was very bizarre."

If there's a better epitaph for Isiah Thomas' post-playing career, I've yet to hear it.

Tulsa's Doug Wojcik at odds with Florida International's Isiah Thomas [AP]

I can't tell you what will happen on the court this year—other than that Michigan State will not win the Big Ten title—but it's fairly easy to guess what plotlines will be most attractive to us media vultures as fall turns into winter which turns into March which turns into you wasting a lot of money on bracket pools. Here are just a few stories you'll probably sick to death of by January (if you aren't already.)

The Isiah Experiment

The previously mentioned Thomas leads a terrible squad in a terrible conference, so naturally, you should expect to hear a lot about him. No team this bad will ever get more attention than Isiah's Panthers, who could lose by 50 at Carolina tonight and still consider it a moral victory. Look for him to orchestrate some sort of trade for Marcus Camby in early February.

The One and Dones

This could be year that finally pushes all the people lamenting the NBA age limit rules over the edge. If John Wall and Xavier Henry lead Kentucky and Kansas to the Final Four the way everyone expects them to—and then promptly bolt to the pros the way everyone knows they will—it might have even more people wondering why this charade continues to go on every year when these kids could just go to Europe and be easily forgotten about. I'll take my slow and stiff four-year seniors, thank you.

Yep, That's A One-Handed Basketball Player

This is Kevin Laue, 6-foot-11 center from Pleasanton, Calif., who is now a freshman on scholarship at Manhattan College. Also, he was born without the lower half of his left arm. (Hint to opposing centers: Try to make him put the ball on the floor.) [Photo via NY Daily News]

Marcus Jordan Sticking It To Adidas

Again, with the terrible small colleges in the middle of Florida? Marcus started his college career with a bang—by humiliating his program so that Nike could make .00089% more money next year. Thanks, Dad!

Just-in'love Smith, Guard, Siena Saints

Because why not?

Rick Pitino

Hey, remember when he fucked that woman in a restaurant, (allegedly) got her pregnant, bought her (temporary) silence, (probably?) convinced one of his assistants to marry her and then got all pissy when people pointed out that he shouldn't have done that? That's it. Just reminding you that happened so you can think about it anytime you see him on TV this season. (P.S. 9/11.)

Everything You Need to Know About the 2009-10 Season… [Rush The Court]
2009-10 Preseason 347 Countdown [Rivals]
65 things to watch during the 2009-10 season [FoxSports]

According to interviews Thomas gave to Sports Illustrated this week, the biggest head turner in the book is the claim—made by Magic and his agent, Lon Rosen—that after Johnson was diagnosed with HIV in 1991, Thomas was the one spreading rumors that Magic might have contracted the virus because he was gay.

"Isiah kept questioning people about it,'' Magic says. "I couldn't believe that. The one guy I thought I could count on had all these doubts. It was like he kicked me in the stomach.''

Thomas says that's "bullshit." His own brother died of AIDS and he says he knows better than to spread rumors like that. Thomas also claims that he was the one who led the charge to get Magic a spot in the 1992 All-Star Game, when most of the players were refusing to take the court with an HIV+ player—a fact that's conveniently left out of the book. Now he's furious to discover that this legendary friendship was apparently a sham.

"It's so hypocritical,'' said Thomas, "There's this public person and then there's this b.s. person. There's Earvin and then there's Magic. OK, I understand you've got to sell a book. But if this is how you sell it, then who's kicking who in the stomach? And it's just like the line he perpetuated that he got me the Knicks' job. Oh, yeah? Ask [Knicks owner] Jim Dolan. Call Barry Watkins [the Knicks' senior VP]. That's a lie.

"You're talking about being two-faced? Magic says he put me up for the job, that he was showing up in hard times and telling me everything was OK. And I come to find out he's been the one stabbing me in the back. ... I'm really hurt and disappointed, particularly with the Olympic team, if he was doing that stuff.''

The last part refers to another item in the book, where Magic basically admits that Isiah was shut out of the Olympic Dream Team because no one wanted to play with him. He also blames the whole "Jordan freeze out" at the '85 All-Star Game on Thomas too. Meanwhile, Isiah says the even bigger lie is Magic's current friendship with Larry Bird. ("Magic hated Larry, and he tried to make other people hate Larry.")

It takes a special kind of jerk to make people feel sorry for Isiah Thomas, but Magic just might be that guy. Whoever you believe, it's pretty clear from this sordid tale—and Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech, among other incidents—that pretty much every superstar you idolized as a kid is a selfish, insecure, backstabbing prick. Of course, that's also why they were all such awesome basketball players.

Isiah Thomas blasts Magic Johnson over criticisms in new book [SI.com]

FIU was invited to the Coaches vs. Cancer Tournament because the big schools always need a gimme to open up their schedule. So while the Golden Panthers were more than content to lose to Ohio State in Thomas' coaching debut, they're none too happy about being scheduled to lose to North Carolina.

The new FIU coach had sounded excited to play an elite team, but apparently not too elite:

Big Ten country," he said [earlier this month]. "If at some point and time you're going to be able to compete with the big boys, you might as well jump right into the fire and get started."

Thomas said he was completely caught off-guard by the switch.

"I had no idea," he said. "No one contacted me, our athletic director, no one. Maybe in 2010, 2011 we can play North Carolina, but not this year."

They had signed a contract that stipulated FIU would play either the Buckeyes or the Tarheels, but were under the impression that it would be OSU. They were in for a surprise when UNC released their schedule today, with FIU first on the docket. Now they're threatening to pull out of the tournament, which behooves me to remind you of two things: they signed a contract, and they're threatening to boycott a tournament that benefits cancer research.

I would be stunned if Isiah Thomas' first act as a head coach was to break a contract," [the tournament organizer] said.

Obviously he hasn't followed Isiah Thomas' career too closely.

FIU Wants To Open Vs. Ohio State [ESPN.com]

The Nuggets forward was jailed by Florida cops on Saturday morning after refusing to submit to a blood alcohol test on suspicion of a DUI.

After averaging under 5 points per game as Isiah Thomas' first round "sleeper"in 2006, the Knicks' banished Balkman to Denver in a salary dump-for "cash considerations" and two players to be cut later.

Denver Post via Weed Against Speed

I'm sure Isiah Thomas had his reasons for going back on a promise made by the previous administration. Could it be because there are now so many blue chippers flocking to Miami begging for a spot in his dream factory? Plus, I'm sure Chris hadn't made any plans for the fall or anything. The good news is that Rozier was fortunate enough to find another available scholarship, at his hometown school of Jacksonville University, which also means he will never have to use basketball as his one ticket out of the swampy dead-end town that he grew up in. What a relief!

Wolfson basketball coach Bruce Rosebrock was bothered by the way FIU handled Rozier's recruitment at the end.

"I think it could have been handled more professional, especially when you consider the people involved are supposed to be professionals," Rosebrock said. "I've gotten calls from several college coaches apologizing for the way that Chris was treated by FIU. They were apologizing for their profession."

A spokesman at FIU said Thomas was assembling his staff and was unavailable for comment.

So Rozier won't get to play for Isiah Thomas. Tough break ... or the luckiest break of all time?

Wolfson's Rozier to sign with Jacksonville University after FIU reversal [Jacksonville Times-Union]
Wolfson's Rozier to sign with Jacksonville [FHSAA Sports]

It's a nice gesture and should give all the FIU alumni some peace of mind, but I'd also be worried that not taking the salary almost gives Isiah an automatic out — that this clearly is just part of his personal career rebuilding process and not a "real" job. It also turns out that, during the initial vetting process, FIU Athletic Director Pete Garcia did not talk to anyone at the New York Knicks about Isiah's disastrous five years. That's confidence.

From NYDN:

[H]e was satisfied "we are getting a great human being." He said the basis for his assessment is a personal relationship with Thomas that has blossomed over approximately seven months.

So not only has Garcia put the reputation of the athletic program on the line, he's also jeopardized FIU's Human Resource Management program.

Even more interesting was Chris McKendry's down-and-dirty interview on SportsCenter about some of Thomas' more disturbing publicity— the whole sexual harassment thing and that alleged suicide attempt. Awful Announcing ganked the video.

All a big misunderstanding. But you have to give McKendry some credit for her whole approach on this topic: So, tell me about this whole crazy suicide attempt thing? What's that about? Go get 'em girl!

The thing is, if it really was a suicide attempt do you think ESPN would just throw it out there so casually? Probably not. I suspect there's probably something a little more bone-headed behind Isiah's sleeping pill disaster than anything else.

Isiah Thomas Finally Addresses Alleged Suicide Attempt On Sports Center [AA]

Let's take a look at what Isiah Thomas' credentials are to run a college basketball team. None. He played two years for Bobby Knight almost 30 years ago and, for all we know, hasn't set foot on a college campus since. He was a lousy coach in the pros, taking a conference champion to a .500 record and three straight first-round playoff defeats. He has never given the slightest indication that he would be anything but mediocre on the bench.

But he's more of an executive type, right? His experience can probably straighten out a troubled organization? Except in that department he's even worse. He ruined both a historically proud NBA franchise and a completely unblemished one, and also single-handedly bankrupted an entire league. He's been a total disaster in any sort of management role that he's had.

His basketball resume alone should disqualify him from ever getting another job in the sport again, but that's before we even get to his numerous off-the-court issues. There was the $11 million sexual harassment lawsuit, other accusations of racism, misogyny, general jerkiness, and ... oh yeah ... the man (probably) overdosed on sleeping pills and then tried to claim that it was his daughter who got carted away in an ambulance. That was six months ago. How has everyone forgotten about that?

Will Florida International get better? It would be hard not to. They're a lousy team in a lousy conference, but Isiah's presence alone will probably get them a game or two on ESPN and more interest from top recruits. The one good thing that everyone always says about Thomas is that he has a knack for finding talent, which I guess is not untrue. But do you really think he's interested in flying around the country and eating meatloaf in the living rooms of high school kids? Or even opening the NCAA rule book? I guarantee you he leaves that school with at least one major recruiting violation. FIU is selling their soul and they know it, but what do they really have to lose?

Oh, and his popcorn his terrible.

Former New York Knicks president and coach Isiah Thomas named coach at Florida International [NJ Star-Ledger]

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Clarendon Hills police arrested Preston Thomas, brother of former NBA star Isiah Thomas, for urinating near a church last week. Thomas, 52, of 279 Columbine Drive, Clarendon Hills, was arrested at 9:15 a.m. Jan. 8 at Notre Dame Parish, 64 Norfolk Ave. He was charged with public urination.

Thomas was seen urinating near the church building by a passing motorist, as well as a teacher and student at Notre Dame School. He later was arrested at Golf and Chicago avenues.

For the record, Preston, guys like Billy Carter and Donald Nixon had a function; to act as comic relief to offset their stodgy, more serious brothers. Isiah needs no such help. Anyway, it's all documented in this riveting movie, as I'm sure you recall.

Wait a minute, Preston Thomas was in Kingpin? What?

Isiah's Brother Arrested For 'No Peeing Zone' Violation [Newsday]
Brother Of Former NBA Star Arrested For Urinating At Church [Chicago Sun-Times]

It has been a winding road, but it's down to two: No. 1 seed Buzz Bissinger vs. No. 11 seed Baby Mangino. Voting will be open until next Sunday evening. Let's take a look at the competitors, one last time. We'll also check in on the voting as the week goes along as well.

No. 1 Buzz Bissinger
Opined.
Loudly.
Discussed.
Made up.
Entered the Hall of Fame.

No. 11 Baby Mangino

Existed.

So, make your voice heard. Who will join 2006 SHOTY Barbaro and 2007 SHOTY Isiah Thomas? It's on.

We have entered the final weekend of SHOTY voting, so we all thought we'd take a moment to remind you to vote, if you haven't, and update you on how voting is going. Polls will close at 12:01 ET Monday morning. Here's where the count stands:

Baby Mangino 75 percent, Isiah Thomas 25 percent.

And: Erin Andrews 55 percent, Buzz Bissinger 45 percent.

It's worth noting that at 5 p.m. Wednesday, Bissinger was up on Andrews by a Franken-esque two votes. At 7 p.m.? Andrews was up by 1,300 votes. Take from that what you will. But there is still time.

So vote. That's how we're all spending our weekend.

• John Daly arrested for drunkenness at Hooters? Next you're going to tell me that Otis apparently shows up bombed at the Mayberry jail. (The PGA was not amused).

• A brilliant plan to get out of a DUI ... offer sex with your girlfriend. I see no way this can fail.

• Isiah Thomas mistook sleeping pills for Reese's Pieces, blamed it on his daughter.

• Travis Henry thought he was in a Scorsese movie.

• Roger Clemens does not recall bleeding through his pants.

• John Rocker was on steroids? Is there nothing to believe in?

• Barry Bonds; still unemployed, but looking fabulous.

• Steroid dealer had unfortunate nickname.

• The Dirty.com's Nik Richie is hit with about 12 metric tons of karma.

• Marcus Vick nabbed for DUI ... by bicycle officer.

• Carmelo Anthony was not drunk. He just has poor balance!

• Ah yes, I remember the drunk Zamboni driver story like it was yesterday. Wait, it was yesterday.

• Jack Kent Cooke's daughter gets drunk and bitchy. Let's watch the fun.

• For the Indiana Hoosiers, success was a drug. Unfortunately, so was drugs.

• What really got Shanahan fired.

• OK, lunch time, everyone.

As mentioned yesterday, voting for both Final Four matchups will be open until Sunday. So fire up.

It's No. 7 seed Isiah Thomas vs. No. 11 seed Baby Mangino. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 7 Isiah Thomas

Won 2007 SHOTY.
Presided over the greatest possession in NBA history.
Got fired, somehow.
Earned $18 million for staying away from his team.
Entered Deadspin Hall of Fame.
Tried to kill himself with sleeping pills.
Blamed it on his daughter.

No. 11 Baby Mangino

Existed.

So, who wins?

So, we have No. 1 seed Buzz Bissinger vs. No. 12 seed Erin Andrews, and No. 7 seed Isiah Thomas vs. No. 11 seed Baby Mangino. It's gonna be a spirited battle for the title.

We're gonna hold off until next week for the voting, because it's Christmas, and though I might not have anything better to do, I suspect you do. So take a few days with the family, mull over your decision making process and be ready to vote on the last four next Monday.

The first round goes a lot faster under Daulerio's stewardship than it did under mine; seems like we went into April last year. Anyway, we're ready to start knocking these puppies out. Two old faves battling it out this happy Friday.

First, a look at the bracket to this point. (Thanks, Happy Pants Jim Cooke.)

Voting will remain open through next week ... so let's go. It's No. 2 seed Roger Clemens vs. No. 7 seed Isiah Thomas. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 2 Roger Clemens
Held a press conference, kind of.
Feuded with Andy Pettitte, kind of.
Told Congress about bleeding through his pants.
Gaped as old flames reared their heads, ugly and otherwise.
Got boners.
Sold a car to Bret Michaels.

No. 7 Isiah Thomas
Won 2007 SHOTY.
Presided over the greatest possession in NBA history.
Got fired, somehow.
Earned $18 million for staying away from his team.
Entered Deadspin Hall of Fame.
Tried to kill himself with sleeping pills.
Blamed it on his daughter.

That's the ticket, folks. Vote as if the world will end tomorrow via a hailstorm of rodents.

Voting will remain open until the end of the first round ... so let's get started. It's No. 7 seed (and 2007 SHOTY winner) Isiah Thomas vs. No. 10 Nightmare Ant. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 7 Isiah Thomas
Won 2007 SHOTY.
Presided over the greatest possession in NBA history.
Got fired, somehow.
Earned $18 million for staying away from his team.
Entered Deadspin Hall of Fame.
Tried to kill himself with sleeping pills.
Blamed it on his daughter.

No. 10 Nightmare Ant
Unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace.
Spawned.
Vowed revenge.

So all right, let's start this puppy off: Who makes it to the Final Eight?