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Jake Plummer

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the wall can't cause an interception

Jake Plummer Is Obsessed With Tiny Blue Balls

It's Sunday, and the following quarterbacks are starting for NFL teams this week: Kerry Collins, Cleo Lemon, Kyle Boller, and Brian Griese. With Timmy Chang probably a Tim Rattay elbow injury away from getting a phone call, some fans are probably amazed that they could use the services Jake Plummer right now. Well, he's not interested right now, what with his handball career and all. More »

2:30 PM on Sun Oct 21 2007
By sussman
29,403 views, 58 comments

Latest by Trackback: I’m trying to figure out how I can get this link-dumping thing to possibly go on a thrice-weekly schedule (T-Th-Sat). more »

jake plummer

The Anticlimactic Retirement of Jake Plummer

I didn't believe Jake Plummer when he said he was considering retiring. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was looking forward to many more years of exciting, high-level Jake-the-Snake football... but I sort of doubt that. More »

3:45 PM on Sun Mar 4 2007
By mjdeadspin
2,076 views, 18 comments

nfl

The Money's Out There, You Pick It Up, It's Yours

Let's get caught up again with the orgy of NFL free agent activity. If you're an NFL player, and your agent couldn't work it out so you were a free agent this off-season, you should probably fire him. More »

1:30 PM on Sun Mar 4 2007
By mjdeadspin
1,370 views, 27 comments

jake plummer

Jake Plummer Will Spread Peace Everywhere But Tampa Bay

You've probably heard by now that Jake Plummer threatened to retire from the NFL just as the Broncos were attempting to trade him to Tampa Bay. Jake is serious with the retirement talk, according to those close to him, and he just might spend that retirement making the world a better place. Via Michael David Smith at the FanHouse, from the Rocky Mountain News: More »

3:30 PM on Sat Mar 3 2007
By mjdeadspin
1,750 views, 19 comments

Latest by T-dawg: @Gasface: Broncos just showed their lack of class on this one. Here around Mile High the word was he more »

nfl

Jake Plummer Has No Qualms About Doing This Again

Everybody has a cross to bear. Some of us were always picked last in kickball and still harbor resentment about it. Some of us have a lifelong fear of spiders, or horses, or, say, snakes. Some of us become never-nudes. We all have to overcome something. More »

3:15 PM on Tue Nov 28 2006
By Leitch
1,718 views, 48 comments

Latest by Holly/Magnolia/Stabby: I'm with Big Picture...Plummer is nothing without his feathered-and-lethal raven mane. When I saw his roster pic at the more »

nfl

Jake Plummer, Terror On The Road

It's easy to forget now, but for a while there last year, Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer was having a pretty cool year. The Broncos had the best record in football, some were touting him as an MVP candidate and some even thought he could lead the team to the Super Bowl. And then the blowout and four turnovers against the Steelers happened, and it's been angst and lament ever since. Oh, and the Broncos just drafted a quarterback in the first round too. More »

1:15 PM on Wed May 24 2006
By Leitch
219 views, 21 comments

Latest by supperclub: Dear Beverage Dude: Why does everybody have to have a Leave it to Beaver 1950s Brett Favre gay ass clone blowin more »

nfl

Imagine What Would Happen If The Steelers LOST ...

If we could impart one piece of wisdom to the youth of America, it would almost certainly be this: Don't fook with Steelers fans. The Denver Post reports that a 17-year-old senior at a Pittsburgh-area high school was commanded by his teacher not to wear another team's jersey into class. The kid wore a John Elway No. 7 anyway, and, well, it didn't end well. More »

3:10 PM on Mon Jan 23 2006
By Leitch
204 views, 9 comments

Latest by Moonshine Mike: I don't know what's scarier - the guy on the left, or the fact someone went to a steelers fantasy more »

nfl

NFL Championship Roundup: Two Bald Guys

• It must have been frustrating for Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck to have reached nearly the pinnacle of his profession, and, as a reward, be forced to be a supporting character as Terry Bradshaw promoted Failure To Launch. But hey, they're both bald; there's that.
• We cannot be relieved or happy to see a Jake Plummer with whom we are comfortable. We will say that he probably is better known for his interceptions now than he was 24 hours ago, which is why he should have just stayed in Arizona.
• Jerome Bettis? From Detroit.
• You know, we love that NFL Network commercial with all the dumb fan predictions — any official NFL production that makes a Sex Boat joke is fine with us, though, to be completist, we'd prefer a dopey fan saying something like, "Hey, those Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, they sure do just like having sex with men, don't they?" as his pal nods — but we still can't quite get behind "Mike Holmgren, Genius Coach." We're not sure why. If he wins in two weeks, we promise to change our tune.
• We saw highlights of Bill Cowher's last Super Bowl for Pittsburgh, 10 years ago, and, uh, he looks exactly the same. He must have looked like that at birth.
• OK, Seattle Seahawks fans, chirp up. We're not sure we actually know any Seahawks fans. Get fired up, people!
• Yeah, we know, it wasn't exactly the most exciting NFL day yesterday, and you probably just really want to talk about Kobe. We'll get there, we promise.

9:15 AM on Mon Jan 23 2006
By Leitch
163 views, 9 comments

Latest by seamus: I think the '86 Bears won XXXL. What does it say about the historic imbalance between conferences that the AFC's #6 more »

nfl

Man, Tommy Maddox Has Really Let Himself Go

You know, we understand that beards are the big thing in the NFL playoffs right now, but honestly, we had no idea this guy was a starting quarterback in the AFC Championship Game on Sunday. (He's from the World Beard Championships, in case you were wondering.) More »

2:40 PM on Thu Jan 19 2006
By Leitch
243 views, 3 comments

Latest by Matt Sussman: If Denver wins, I want the headline to read "Broncos Take Ride Plummer's Moustache To Detroit" more »

nfl

The Broncos' Secret Success Ratio

As evidenced by our 3-5 record of predicting playoff games so far (straight up, no spread), we're notoriously lousy at pigskin prognostication. It's not like this has been the easiest postseason to predict anyway; we can only think of one prediction system that would have led to a correct Steelers-Broncos AFC Championship Game prediction. More »

10:45 AM on Wed Jan 18 2006
By Leitch
163 views, 5 comments

Latest by drewB: Anybody else catch the on-air comparison between Plummer's dad in the stands Saturday and Ernest Hemmingway? Top notch. I keep more »

nfl

Jake Plummer, Buzzsaw Soul Crusher

As we enter in to the biggest week of Denver quarterback Jake Plummer's life, leading up to the AFC Championship Game hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers, we feel obliged, as the only fans of The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals on the planet, to ask: How in the hell is this guy a game away from being a Super Bowl quarterback? More »

4:47 PM on Tue Jan 17 2006
By Leitch
200 views, 14 comments

Latest by jHz: I used to work for a boss who was a dyed-in-the-wool Broncos fan. This was especially difficult back in more »

nfl

NFL Playoff Roundup: One Big Idiot Kicker

• Ordinarily, we come down on the side of kickers, if just because we have much more of a physical resemblance to them than 350-pound ogre lineman. But it's pretty much impossible to feel much sympathy for Colts gakker Mike Vanderjagt, whose missed field goal yesterday was somehow the perfect ending to one of the strangest games we've ever seen. We're not sure why we hate him so; maybe it's the earring. But his status as Supreme Goat seems like it's about two years overdue. Never before have we agreed so much with the label "idiot kicker."
• Ben Roethlisberger had more big tackles than Brian Urlacher yesterday, if you're counting.
• We watched that Bears-Panthers game with a bunch of Ditka-ites yesterday in a suburban Chicago bar. We actually saw someone wearing a Jim Miller jersey, which somehow makes us think they deserved to lose.
• Not to nitpick here, but we have a feeling the Colts offensive lineman would like to stuff "good teammate" Peyton Manning in a closet somewhere right now. (And as we know, he'd be in there with Kenny Chesney and not come out.)
• What was with Jimmy Johnson's hair in the FOX studio yesterday? It looked like he'd just had a quickie offset just minutes before going on.
• Honestly, every sideline shot of Tony Dungy yesterday made us look like the last thing on his mind was football.
• As lifelong fans of The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals, we can't quite get our heads around the fact that Jake Plummer is one home game away from the Super Bowl. We'll get into this more in the next week or so, but nobody knows the ups-and-downs of this guy better than Buzzsaw fans. Plummer is like a dog you had to get rid of because he wouldn't stop biting the neighbor, three years later, ending up becoming a bomb-sniffing hero dog who somehow sniffs out a terrorist plot. It's very upsetting.

10:01 AM on Mon Jan 16 2006
By Leitch
294 views, 35 comments

Latest by Ramstone: I know there's a goddam officating comment/post here somewhere..... more »

blogdome

Blogdome: Pretending There Are Things In The World Other Than Football

• On Wednesday, Louisville forward Chad Millard has part of his jaw crushed, three teeth knocked out, and needed dental surgery. And he's in the line-up today. I can't relate. [Pitt Panther Hoops] More »

4:45 PM on Sun Jan 15 2006
By mjdeadspin
145 views, Comment

nfl

Jake Plummer, The New Cher

You had heard all about the (ultimately successful) petition to bring back Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer's moustache, and, if you're like us, you might have thought, hey, as long as he's giving mustache rides to cheerleaders, all is pretty much fine. More »

9:05 AM on Wed Nov 30 2005
By Leitch
794 views, 4 comments

Latest by justjudith: this is disturbing on so many levels. moustaches, especially jake's, are kinda gross. and the fact that people are devoting more »

nfl

Plummer Asks The World, "Who Wants Some?"

Ah, Jake Plummer. Whether it's the mustache, the tendency to occassionally throw the ball with his left hand or his odd or his admirable but oddly hesistant anti-war views, you can always count on Jake Plummer to entertain. This week: A feud with a local columnist over his cheerleader girlfriend. More »

11:20 AM on Tue Oct 18 2005
By Leitch
1,714 views

nfl

NFL Roundup: It's Possible That Plummer Just Isn't That Good

Other Thoughts On The First Weekend Of The NFL:
• As the only guy who ever brought the Buzzsaw to the playoffs, we will always have a soft spot for Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer. But, what, with the out of control hair (facial and otherwise), angry anti-war screeds and the tendency to throw the ball to the other team, it's only a matter of time until he goes into some tirade in front the Broncos fans and talks about "how better it was in Arizona." We sometimes thinks coach Mike Shanahan is starting at him like he's going to eat him, by the way.
• Former CBS Sportsline reporter Jay Glazer, now a sideline guy covering the Vikings game, can't be any taller than 5-foot-2. Minnesota coach Mike Tice is tall, but he's not that tall.
• We were disappointed the NFL did not allow 49ers coach Mike Nolan to wear a tie, like he had requested.
• We think people were booing Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson while they were singing "America the Beautiful" before the Redskins game. Sorry. We're pretty sure, actually.
• A New York City sports bar was a bad place for someone to bearing an Arizona Cardinals hat and Kurt Warner jersey for the second half of that Giants-Buzzsaw Cardinals game yesterday. Trust us.

10:09 AM on Mon Sep 12 2005
By Leitch
113 views