Being Barffaloed. Let me tell you friends, this closering business is a tough gig. You're up into the wee hours, penning a Carrot-Top-oeuvre masterpiece of links to Hockey Monkey and such, but when you roll outta bed on Day 4 of the operation and check the interwebs, said masterpiece isn't there. A red-eyed Leitch answers the door in his housecoat, whispers something about 'Nibbles being a cruel mistress,' and disappears back inside. Frankly, I hit rock bottom yesterday, me and the Buffalo Sabres and our mutual friend Jack. Rejected by Jon Quick, seven unwanted tallies pumped in the five-hole by the midway point, it's any wonder we're here to tell about it. Let's face it, who doesn't miss Chris Drury's stubbly cheeks?

Introducing Kazakhstan to America, One Goal At A Time. Big Kazakh Nik Antropov had a hat trick last night against the Rangers, and for a time the wire services were convinced it was his first ever. Not quite — the lanky one had only put eight years between his two three-goal performances. And unlike his famed countryman, he's not banned "in every Arab country except Lebanon."

Crosby Fails Miserably. Look, if we don't write that headline, no one will. Hockey's golden boy didn't walk on water last night in Calgary, and reports of the second coming, comparisons to a Gretzky-Orr hybrid and his own blogspots (?) — they're all premature, especially given he was out-monstered by Pierre McGuire lovechild Dion Phaneuf. The hockey pope's ceremonial first visit to Western Canada has officially hit a snag, and he still has to face Roberto Luongo on Saturday.

Sanford And Fun. Speaking of Luongo, there's no more underutilized athlete in pro sports than that of his backup 'tender, who barring a cataclysmic groin tear, is the world's highest-paid bench door opener. In any event, it's always an occasion when these guys are thrown in goal, and Curtis Sanford rose to it with a big win in Nashville last night. "Curtis Sanford did what a good goaltender is capable of doing," Vancouver coach Alain Vigneault said, looking up Sanford's name on the roster. "He kept his team in the game when they weren't there." (They were at the Opry.)

The Curtain Call It's been a blast moonlighting here on Deadspin, and I wanted to shut the show down by repeating some of the best comments - uh oh. Christ, it's Stephen A. Smith... maybe I can just slink around— HOC-KEY? I WANNA BE REAL ABOUT SOMETHING HEAH. SOME PEOPLE SAID I SHOULD BRING THIS UP YESTERDAY BUT I COULDN'T. I HAD TO BRACE MYSELF FOR IT BECAUSE I HAD TO SLEEP ON IT. I JUST HAD TO. I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE I'M COMPLETELY ACCURATE WHEN I ASK IF HOCKEY HAD BLACK PEOPLE, WOULD IT BE VIEWED AS A POOR MAN'S BASKETBALL ON SKATES EXCEPT YOU SHOOT AT A LOWER NET WITH A STICK AND THERE'S A GUY THERE TRYING TO STOP IT, AND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HIT EACH OTHER AND YOU'RE WEARING MORE CLOTHES AND THERE'S MORE CANADIANS? WOULD IT NOT!? LET ME ANSWER THAT FOR YOU: I THINK SO! JUST SO YOU CAN GET THE FLAVA OF WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, HAVE IT CRYSTALYZE: MICHAEL ANTWAN GRIER SKATES LIKE AN ANCIENT WATERBEAST CARRYING A BUCKET BUT THAT BUCKET MAY SOON CONTAIN A HART TROPHY. ZDEENO CHARA JUST MIGHT BE THE SLOVAKIAN RAFAEL ARAUJO. GOALTENDING IS THE MOST UNDERREPRESENTED PENALTY IN THE HISTORY OF THIS OR OTHER SPORTS, AND I'M INCLUDING CAVEMAN GAMES. WHEN I THINK OF HOCKEY IT'S MOOSE AND BEAVER AND MAYBE BACK BACON, WHICH MEANS, AND HEAR ME OUT, CANADA NEEDS TO REPRIORITIZE ITS MEATS.

Senators Lose Seven In A Row, Oppose Goalie Marriage. I'm afraid it's a very special Canadian Closer™ today friends, with four back bacon-filled teams battling the evil American empire in Montreal, Toronto, Calgary and Tampa last night. (Which one of these is not like the others, which one doesn't belong...) Ottawa came back in the third period but lost 4-3 in a shootout in Tampa, continuing the team's longest losing streak since the year the Lightning crammed 28,183 hockey fans (every Canadian vacationing in Florida) into Tropicana Field (then known as the Thunderdome) for a game. Mad Max approved.

The Parade Will Begin At The Brass Rail. The Maple Leafs have had perhaps the strangest season of any pro sports club in recent history: Nude photos of rookies on shady corners of the 'net, a GM who can't fire his coach, a president saying he hired the wrong GM (but failing to fire said GM), and a fanbase that continues to fork over $400 a night to eat sushi and watch one of the worst teams in hockey. But Wade Belak did score his first goal in almost four years last night in a 3-1 win over Nashville. (Not counting a stint with something called the Coventry Blaze of the English Hockey League.) I then put a car flag on my tricked out Pacer and headed for Mirtleville.

These Wings Need A McCartney. Detroit's well on their way to establishing itself as the blandest regular-season dynasty of all time — and even their fans are no shows this season. The Red Wings downed Montreal 4-1, but it turns out Henrik Zetterberg's deft passing and a handful of Europeans with unpronounceable names can't trump "a tidal wave of foreclosures."

Hannu Loses Game He Loved. "It sucks, it really does, but it's gone now, there's nothing you can about it," Blues 'tender Hannu Toivonen said of a 3-1 loss to the Flames. "You have to learn from it and see what I can do better next time." Strangely, these were his exact words when he let the hockey monkey escape earlier in the season. (True, somewhat-related story: They taught a handful of chimps to skate for this film. Sadly, those efforts failed to win them an Oscar or a tryout with the Blues.)

Athlete of the Century Deemed Unwanted Goods. The Penguins dumped Kamloops native Mark Recchi and his $2-million contract on waivers yesterday, upsetting a hockey blogger and prompting city council to rename Mark Recchi Way to Doug Lidster Boulevard. Making matters worse, Recchi spent his own bobblehead night bobbling in the press box.

Hotter Than a Flaming Cheesesteak. The Flyers didn't play last night, but that doesn't stop Philadelphia from topping The Closer for two reasons: (1) Riley Cote became the fifth member of his team suspended this season (meaning the Flyers filled their 'free donut' punch card), and more important, (2) a zamboni caught fire in suburban Aston. (And, no, I don't mean a member of "North America's all-hockey band!!!!" although that would be good, too, if set to Hockey Monkey.) Shudder.

And the Award for the Goaltender Whose Name Sounds the Most Like Someone Clearing Their Throat Goes to ... With the French guy out with a groin tweak and the kid from Bill's Puddle bedridden with the Canadian flu, the Habs called up Jaroslav Halak to save the day tonight against the Detroit Red Wings. That's a bit of a step up from what he was up to with the Hamilton Bulldogs.

Money Can't Buy You Goals. The Rangers reverted to their spendthrift ways in the off-season, but bringing in Scott Gomez and Chris Drury for a combined $87-million over 12 years and spending little on defence and goaltending has seen them become the team with the second-worst offence (and best defence) in the NHL this season. Last night, the small-market Hurricanes fed the Blueshirts their lunch money with a 4-0 win that saw the sentient being who has replaced Cory Stillman score two goals and move into seventh place in league scoring.

Gretzky's Pact With Satan Expires. I honestly can't explain to you good folks why the Phoenix Coyotes aren't hockey's Miami Dolphins right now. This is the worst roster to take the ice since Emilio 'Flying V' Estevez's last stint behind the bench, but coach Wayne Gretzky somehow coaxed these Desert Dogs to a 11-10 start this season with the help of some magic muppets. (The green one's Keith Ballard.) Thankfully, instead of rolling around in the slop in Pittsburgh, Phoenix simply lost 3-1 last night to Pittsburgh, the team's fourth defeat in a row. Order has been restored, no thanks to Miroslav (or Naked Dom).

Brodeur Rising. Atlanta's Ilya Kovalchuk notched a beauty in this one, taking over the NHL goal-scoring lead with 22 in 26 games, which puts him on pace for 69 on the season. [insert joke below] The real story in this one, a 3-2 shootout win by the Devils, was Marty Brodeur, who has now won seven in a row and allowed only eight goals in his last eight starts. Which leads me to blame remarital bliss for the NHL's scoring woes. The once-struggling Devils are now tied for fourth in the East, likely due to the extra practice they get every time their new rink is cordoned off while they're still inside. (Or so Barry Melrose told me.)

Luongo's Wild Ride. Few things make a grown man cry quite like getting annihilated in fantasy sports, and given my hapless teams were both pitted against Roberto 'No Goalo' Luongo this week, it's been a tear-filled time in Mirtleville. Heading into the Canucks' 2-1 loss to the Minnesota Wild last night, Roberto hadn't let in a goal in more than 210 consecutive minutes, posting three shutouts in a row and slightly lessening my will to live. It took a green, hulked out Sean Hill firing a rocket at the net, combined with a tip by Eric Belanger, to finally beat Bobby Lou. Very satisfying free lap dances for all!

Goilers! The Edmonton wing of the blogosphere was on death's door not two weeks ago, deflated due to a lack of Gary Coleman, and this prompted the team to start winning a few games. Every Oilers-Ducks game this season has a sublime subtext, with Anaheim holding Edmonton's first-round pick this June, but the Oilers took this one and are on a 5-2-0 roll. Only in Alberta would a 30-year-old Italian man's return from a debilitating bout of ulcerative colitis inspire lyrical prose.